The Book Cage Episode 77 - The Hardy Boys Casefiles #30 The Deadliest Dare
If we're (I'm) doing Hardyween, gotta get some new blood in there. Unfortunately, the spooky Hardy well is running a bit dry. Been too greedy with the creepy covers. Nevertheless, we have a spooky haunted house adventure. The first haunted house Hardy book turned into an entire month (this one!), so be sure to check out this latest Book Cage that happens to be on fire, this Friday 5pm eastern.
Featuring a shout out to future book #42 The Last Laugh on the back, and a name of an unrelated episode of the 1995 series.
The lore runs deep.
A little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #30: The Deadliest Dare. Here is your preview
Hate it when you don't see a fire until you're inside it
May miss the early riffs because I'm getting my flu shot and bonus fauci ouchie but I'll make up for it in the later innings
Missing the fire for the flames.
We'll save a seat for you!
Time to begin the process
Dare to sneeze
Ah. Plague.
Me waking up when I left the heat on overnight
Move over "Call me Ishmael"
Dead of Night also involves an abandoned mill. Bayport was a decaying industry town before it was cool
Also what the fuck is up with those Starfleet excursion jackets on the cover. You boys get lost on your way to Talos IV or something
The loud music was Jimmy Buffit
Hardy Boys are Pittsburghers confirmed
old british science fiction. Just garbage cans with googly eyes.
LET'S
GET
DREWSY
physical?
oh
--Oh, sorry, Frank. Sorry, Joe. I guess you're okay too
Looking like one of the inappropriately horny ghostwriters
Tuck in your shirts, you slobs.
chill out callie
Callie 54 is showing some signs of deterioration
Someone get her some molly and a bottle of water
What does Callie have to do to catch a dick that doesn't have a bomb attached?
Chet is right there
If I somehow by the grace of god ended up at a rave and I saw too schmucks as phenomenally uncool as the Hardy Boys trying to White Guy Shuffle through the proceedings I would assume it was all a dying dream
The sneezing approacheth
I think that ship has sailed, she's hooked on the adrenaline now.
Jesus, lots of coronavirus in these books
Suddenly, a dwarf appears, sneezing wildly
Frank has the same reaction to purple hair as an 80 year old republican congressman
Passive aggressively sneering at personal expression is such Frank move.
"Frank looked up" from Callie's bust, I assume. He seems the type
"Whatever, meat suit."
"Suit?"
This anonymous fat partier getting a lot of play
Fuck
Justin's back
The Hardy Boys in Stephen King's The Stand
Oh my god, it's the entire dance floor
Someone dumped nerve agent into the HVAC
I, however, only sneer at people who call it "personal expression"
Anyways, time for a snack. Right, Joe?
Allergy season hits Bayport way different.
Great White swore to us this effect was necessary to their revised performance.
purple hair? I call it "gay"
and therefore a signal beacon to me, personally
Ghostwriter with the slim shoulders
Slip a little whoopee powder in there
Same but in a "Oh sweet someone to play boardgames with, and maybe get some gardening tips from." way.
At least it's not slender fingers. Seems like every hack author loves those
Is that square for "coke"?
I believe that was the official strategy for deploying mustard gas at Verdun
Either that or spanish fly.
Meanwhile, one building over, a group of bumbling terrorists can't figure out why their Agent Orange dirty bomb isn't working
"i told you this wasnt a bowling alley, but nooooooo."
Callie, running away from the club like the sneezing powder is going to chase them
I do not understand white America's culture's obsession with slight femininity.
Also hanging out with club owners. Which isn't really in her wheelhouse
Also weird for a high schooler
Calling the rest of her dialogue over her shoulder as she sprints to the car
Callie once sneezed out her skull. That was Callie 31, I think?
Callie's in deep with the mob.
Just forty years of Grace Kelly...Callie probably got blown up by a whoopie cushion.
She fucking what
"Kay, seeyabyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" she called out the window of her car as she sped away.
Last person who tried to set off a stink bomb ended up floating in the bay
She dies a lot, is my point. Or should be dead many times over
It's one of the ghostwriters who randomly decides to break narrative to mention book titles
The Mark 3s used to have what science calls "Jellybones".
"Boy, the Empire sure is Striking Back today, huh guys?"
Callie wonders how she knew "thick as thieves" was italicized.
Fuck mentioning the names diegetically means this is what FRANK AND JOE call things.
Back inside, people's skin is sloughing onto the floor
Callie thinks in perfect Chicago style formatting
To be fair this is the most Teen Detective thing they could do
That does explain why the titles rarely make sense
Weird to start the pranks during "school vacation," but you do you, prankmeister
Callie Mk 4's get the AP Style Manual implanted in their memories via post hypnotic suggestion during decantation.
Do they not have summer where the Hardy Boys come from
Book cage!
Oh, they're just senior pranks that really fucked up their timing. Mystery solved
"Remember that great prank the other week where that guy's hands were mailed to his lover by his jilted spouse?"
Guy spraypainting a dick on the bleachers "HAW HAW WAIT'LL THEY GET A LOAD A DIS"
Bayport has been timeless since 1967, what with The Accident and all.
Didn't Callie get blown up?
Adrift in time and space. Forever unable to jump home
Sam Beckett and Al pass by in a Mustang sometimes and go "what a bunch of losers"
Nope. Different girl. Callie is their plucky sidekick who should absolutely be dead
Gotta watch out for them big ol' trees
the big, old trees
They do jump out in front of you when you least expect it
Well now the tree is dead, good job
This book also seems to have claimed shes Frank's girlfriend, which is impossible because Frank doesnt understand human relationships.
Which is why Callie is thirstier than @Rachel
you dont need to understand human relationships to date
What's about to happen is almost unprecedented
Thus, teenagers
All blown-up women are Callie. In Project Hardy they live forever as Valkyries.
They're going to let that cliffhanger simmer
Let's not use hyperbole
WHAAAAAT
Cut to: filing!
Must be saving the two exclamation point cliffhangers for something really plum.
Like big, old plum trees!
heyooo!
HIGH ADVENTURE
in dad's home office
Hot filing action!
Joe is so homophobic
References! Cabinets! Manila folders!
Joe is updating Fenton's reference files on his Mystery Mobile allies with furious notes about Velma.
Joe is having the best time right now.
And will pretend he isnt.
Fenton really screwed up, Joe can't read since the last head injury
Are we getting Misogynist Joe? After Sad Horny Joe, it's going to be refreshingly familiar
"Joe did you file this guy who commited fraud under "Walfsmorgleberd?"
You can just say the FBI
What manner of fucked up alternate universe America is this
Oh, so Curt's the bad guy
Thanks, writer
I'm almost 100% sure Kirkland is the name of a store around here.
Like I think it sells furniture.
Curt Branders does seem like a Kirkland brand terrorist
Fenton has the same secure facilities for confidential documents as donald trump
Curt Branders, International Assassin and Furniture Salesman.
No, wait, we're going to resolve the cliffhanger via telephone
Nothing would make me happier than if the writer forgot this passage and Curt is never mentioned again
Officer Hamburger?!?!
Oh.
Kirkland is the Costco generic brand
Callie has a mild concussion, which is the new skull tech providing value already.
jesus officer, a mild concussion? Who gives a shit?
Those big ol' trees claimed a lot of teens tonight
The mark 3s would have been goo on the dashboard.
"We're still scooping up what's left of Callie's face. Head's still intact."
The skull is a full crumple zone for maximum protection
Concussions are fine, what could go wrong down the line
he probably tol three people their kids were dead last month alone
Oh everybody was driving drunk from that party
Ever since we replaced that section of the road with ball bearings, there's been nothing but trouble.
"They drove into a bumper car stadium"
"There was a birthday"
"And now those eight year olds are dead"
"Frank kept insisting that the tree "Jumped out in front of him." and "He wasnt responsible."
"But nevermind them, your friend has a MILD CONCUSSION"
Callie replaced her seatbelts with twine
"Yes......hahahah.........our......."friend".
"I just thought you'd want to know, Joe. Those kids had their whole lives ahead of them. Anyways, your brother isn't even rattled."
Doctors Lake and Palmer could not be reached
Her seat belt came loose? I think you can sue the manufacturer, callie.
The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard
The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard 2: The Hitman's Kid Brother's Hardyguard
The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard 3: The Hitman's Kid Brother's BodyHardy
Frank tried to crash test the latest model and wasnt gonna let safety standards get in his way.
The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard 4: Oh fuck mission compromised evac nOW NOW SO MUCH BLOOD
Frank and Joe still think seatbelts kill more people than they save so Callie was forced to improvise
"Callie, I think your concussion might be more serious than we thought.."
Goddamn, we cannot keep a Callie intact.
What a prank
"Also, someone put sneezing powder in your gas tank."
The best senior prank of all: mass murder
Honestly, that sounds about right for high schoolers.
"We got a prank letter, too. Something about purging the unclean from this whore of a nation. We all had a good chuckle."
"We also found this note in your glove box that said "Hahahahah, got you, Frank. Have a great summer. Signed Billy, Chutney, Gormley, and Hurnk"
I bet they were wrapped up with giant bows and gift cards too, those sick bastards.
Sounds like a great place to live, sure
Do......do condos spring up around nightclubs?
It turned out six of the other seven cards had those "presents." Car 7 just got a card with five dollars in it.
Condos are like mushrooms. You get the best rate right after a rainstorm when they're fresh.
People love living above the bass drop.
Pretty great when they are breaded and deep fried.
Oh geah people love living directly a 🍨
Alright, this ghostwriter is either 800 years old and/or British
Or jordan peterson
Which would explain a lot actually
"Bally ruffians have gone and absconded with the dashed evidence, brother."
"Bully for them, I say. Been a right drought of enticement around these parts for some time."
"By Jove, I think you have it a'right."
Ah, yes, the secret technique only known to the illustrious craftsmen at Mr Pizza
We gotta get you guys better points of reference
mmmm. Pizza.
Did the cops not notice the plank with nails in it in the car tires?
Tony is strangely tight-lipped about where he was prior to moving to Bayport last year.
They ruled it a suicide
Tony Pizza
"It wasnt Germany. Seriously, boys. It wasnt Germany."
Gonna take a guess and say "Prito" is not a genuine Italian last name
Jesus Christ, what decade is this supposed to be
Tony looked at a bag of Fritos when asked his name and he improvised
"I hear they snap their fingers in time with their steps. Its real intimidating."
What's the scoop, daddy-o
It's a Kirkland snack food
I hear they're a gang of jokers.
It's a-me, Tony Pizza
And midnight tokers
You know the kids these days, if they ain't chatting all the hot gossip at the pizza parlor, they're necking over at the ice cream bar at the pharmacist's
I mean Prito
I bet they play PINBALL.
OH SHIT
And BILLIARDS.
"It's a me, harmless local pizza pasta man Tony Mussolin—I MEAN PRITO FUCK"
And DANCE IN PUBLIC HALLS.
We got trouble! Right here in Bayville City!
And sock hops
Frank and Joe are played by 50s detectives
Prito's eavesdropping habit is why he's hiding out in Bayport
Chet is all in on the cult
Tony the Rat. I bet that's who Curt is after. With his pranks.
There are A LOT of those movies
wow frank doesnt even believe in the KKK
Frank, that's not a cult, its the KKK.
Ghostwriter was raised in the 40s and currently writing during the Satanic Panic. We cracked the code
Chet already took down the cult but doesn't want to brag
I like how we had this thought almost at the same time.
The third book is called Cult of Crime, so they actually have dealt with this already
It's like how Law and Order rips all its plots from the headlines but still execute their scripts with the sensibilities of studio writers from the 90s
By contract, Chet's name must occur within 50 words of pizza.
CHOOSE A DATE BETW-
oh wait
Chet is probably the cult Magus.
I listened to three metal bands today that wear hooded cultist robes
Their sinister Black Pope.
Back at home, Joe is very impatient with this hospital call
Putting sneezing powder in the ventilation system at a rave is classic cult activity
Well that rules out the Klan
Sorry I'll stop
Joe makes out with himself, got it
Cult of the April's Fool
"Archmagus, are you sure this is what Cthulhu commands?"
"YES! DO NOT QUESTION ME! AND PUT GLUE ON THE TOILET SEATS!"
we've all had that urge
Joe hasnt eaten anything for ten minutes and he's getting hungry so he's tasting the inside of his mouth.
Dick confirmed
That's serious escalation
is a dick smutty?
Holy shit, what a call
Like how Ed Gein started with Chinese finger traps
No, this is fifties sensibility smut. Someone wrote "gosh darn" on the school
That's like Marijuana to heroin pipeline
To me smut requires a sense of story, of action
"Really it was tastefully executed but you can't say that sort of thing about President Eisenhower, and certainly not with an illustration."
This ghostwriter is very strange
Paging Rachel
just one?
"God Frank, no I wont smell your finger. That's not even how that........you know what, nevermind."
Those aren't bouncers, Joe.
This is almost human language!
They are bouncy, though
"Joe Hardy Eats Vaginna"
"Hello, plot speaking"
RIGHT MEOW
"It's going to be a bag filled with Skittles left on top of a refrigerator! I told you it'd be worse!"
What a thrilling story
"We're going to replace the syrup in the McDonald's coca cola machine with PEPSI. AHAHAHAHAHA"
The old Hickerson Mansion? Where Hiram Hickerson, the inventory of Hirams Hickory Hickeys used to live? It's been abandoned for years!
He was a big wheel. Like the toy bike. Like Herbie the Love Bug was a Volkswagen. It was real fuckin weird
They say it's haunted!
That's way more fucked up than crashing cars
Hickerson-smoked Hirams