77: 30 The Deadliest Dare Franklin W. Dixon

#30 The Hardy Boys: Casefiles

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Dangerous pranks always backfire.

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gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 77 - The Hardy Boys Casefiles #30 The Deadliest Dare

If we're (I'm) doing Hardyween, gotta get some new blood in there. Unfortunately, the spooky Hardy well is running a bit dry. Been too greedy with the creepy covers. Nevertheless, we have a spooky haunted house adventure. The first haunted house Hardy book turned into an entire month (this one!), so be sure to check out this latest Book Cage that happens to be on fire, this Friday 5pm eastern.

gellaho
gellaho

Featuring a shout out to future book #42 The Last Laugh on the back, and a name of an unrelated episode of the 1995 series.

LyraV

The lore runs deep.

gellaho

A little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #30: The Deadliest Dare. Here is your preview

FancyShark

Hate it when you don't see a fire until you're inside it

Badgerman

May miss the early riffs because I'm getting my flu shot and bonus fauci ouchie but I'll make up for it in the later innings

Ozzie

Missing the fire for the flames.

FancyShark

We'll save a seat for you!

gellaho

Time to begin the process

gellaho

Dare to sneeze

FancyShark

Ah. Plague.

Badgerman

Me waking up when I left the heat on overnight

JAVO! Put down that DNA

Move over "Call me Ishmael"

gellaho

Dead of Night also involves an abandoned mill. Bayport was a decaying industry town before it was cool

Badgerman

Also what the fuck is up with those Starfleet excursion jackets on the cover. You boys get lost on your way to Talos IV or something

FancyShark

The loud music was Jimmy Buffit

Badgerman

Hardy Boys are Pittsburghers confirmed

Rachel

old british science fiction. Just garbage cans with googly eyes.

Brendan

LET'S

GET

DREWSY

Rachel

physical?

oh

Brendan

--Oh, sorry, Frank. Sorry, Joe. I guess you're okay too

gellaho

Looking like one of the inappropriately horny ghostwriters

Brendan

Tuck in your shirts, you slobs.

gellaho
Rachel

chill out callie

FancyShark

Callie 54 is showing some signs of deterioration

Rachel

Someone get her some molly and a bottle of water

Brendan

What does Callie have to do to catch a dick that doesn't have a bomb attached?

FancyShark

Chet is right there

Badgerman

If I somehow by the grace of god ended up at a rave and I saw too schmucks as phenomenally uncool as the Hardy Boys trying to White Guy Shuffle through the proceedings I would assume it was all a dying dream

gellaho

The sneezing approacheth

LyraV

I think that ship has sailed, she's hooked on the adrenaline now.

Badgerman

Jesus, lots of coronavirus in these books

FancyShark

Suddenly, a dwarf appears, sneezing wildly

1000 Space GDCs

Frank has the same reaction to purple hair as an 80 year old republican congressman

Brendan

Passive aggressively sneering at personal expression is such Frank move.

Badgerman

"Frank looked up" from Callie's bust, I assume. He seems the type

FancyShark

"Whatever, meat suit."

"Suit?"

gellaho

This anonymous fat partier getting a lot of play

Badgerman

Fuck

Justin's back

FancyShark

The Hardy Boys in Stephen King's The Stand

Badgerman

Oh my god, it's the entire dance floor

Someone dumped nerve agent into the HVAC

gellaho

I, however, only sneer at people who call it "personal expression"

FancyShark

Anyways, time for a snack. Right, Joe?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Allergy season hits Bayport way different.

Brendan

Great White swore to us this effect was necessary to their revised performance.

Rachel

purple hair? I call it "gay"

and therefore a signal beacon to me, personally

gellaho

Ghostwriter with the slim shoulders

gellaho

Slip a little whoopee powder in there

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Same but in a "Oh sweet someone to play boardgames with, and maybe get some gardening tips from." way.

Badgerman

At least it's not slender fingers. Seems like every hack author loves those

Ozzie

Is that square for "coke"?

Badgerman

I believe that was the official strategy for deploying mustard gas at Verdun

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Either that or spanish fly.

FancyShark

Meanwhile, one building over, a group of bumbling terrorists can't figure out why their Agent Orange dirty bomb isn't working

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"i told you this wasnt a bowling alley, but nooooooo."

gellaho

Callie, running away from the club like the sneezing powder is going to chase them

Brendan

I do not understand white America's culture's obsession with slight femininity.

gellaho

Also hanging out with club owners. Which isn't really in her wheelhouse

gellaho

Also weird for a high schooler

Badgerman

Calling the rest of her dialogue over her shoulder as she sprints to the car

FancyShark

Callie once sneezed out her skull. That was Callie 31, I think?

1000 Space GDCs

Callie's in deep with the mob.

Brendan

Just forty years of Grace Kelly...Callie probably got blown up by a whoopie cushion.

Badgerman

She fucking what

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Kay, seeyabyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" she called out the window of her car as she sped away.

1000 Space GDCs

Last person who tried to set off a stink bomb ended up floating in the bay

FancyShark

She dies a lot, is my point. Or should be dead many times over

gellaho

It's one of the ghostwriters who randomly decides to break narrative to mention book titles

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The Mark 3s used to have what science calls "Jellybones".

Badgerman

"Boy, the Empire sure is Striking Back today, huh guys?"

1000 Space GDCs

Callie wonders how she knew "thick as thieves" was italicized.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck mentioning the names diegetically means this is what FRANK AND JOE call things.

FancyShark

Back inside, people's skin is sloughing onto the floor

Badgerman

Callie thinks in perfect Chicago style formatting

Badgerman

To be fair this is the most Teen Detective thing they could do

FancyShark

That does explain why the titles rarely make sense

gellaho

Weird to start the pranks during "school vacation," but you do you, prankmeister

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Callie Mk 4's get the AP Style Manual implanted in their memories via post hypnotic suggestion during decantation.

Badgerman

Do they not have summer where the Hardy Boys come from

Agent of Fortune

Book cage!

Badgerman

Oh, they're just senior pranks that really fucked up their timing. Mystery solved

FancyShark

"Remember that great prank the other week where that guy's hands were mailed to his lover by his jilted spouse?"

Brendan

Guy spraypainting a dick on the bleachers "HAW HAW WAIT'LL THEY GET A LOAD A DIS"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bayport has been timeless since 1967, what with The Accident and all.

Agent of Fortune

Didn't Callie get blown up?

Badgerman

Adrift in time and space. Forever unable to jump home

Sam Beckett and Al pass by in a Mustang sometimes and go "what a bunch of losers"

FancyShark

Nope. Different girl. Callie is their plucky sidekick who should absolutely be dead

gellaho

Gotta watch out for them big ol' trees

Rachel

the big, old trees

FancyShark

They do jump out in front of you when you least expect it

Agent of Fortune

Well now the tree is dead, good job

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This book also seems to have claimed shes Frank's girlfriend, which is impossible because Frank doesnt understand human relationships.

FancyShark

Which is why Callie is thirstier than @Rachel

Rachel

you dont need to understand human relationships to date

gellaho

What's about to happen is almost unprecedented

Rachel

Thus, teenagers

Brendan

All blown-up women are Callie. In Project Hardy they live forever as Valkyries.

gellaho

They're going to let that cliffhanger simmer

Rachel

Let's not use hyperbole

FancyShark

WHAAAAAT

gellaho

Cut to: filing!

Brendan

Must be saving the two exclamation point cliffhangers for something really plum.

Like big, old plum trees!

FancyShark

heyooo!

Badgerman

HIGH ADVENTURE

in dad's home office

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hot filing action!

Rachel

Joe is so homophobic

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

References! Cabinets! Manila folders!

Brendan

Joe is updating Fenton's reference files on his Mystery Mobile allies with furious notes about Velma.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe is having the best time right now.

And will pretend he isnt.

1000 Space GDCs

Fenton really screwed up, Joe can't read since the last head injury

FancyShark

Are we getting Misogynist Joe? After Sad Horny Joe, it's going to be refreshingly familiar

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Joe did you file this guy who commited fraud under "Walfsmorgleberd?"

gellaho

You can just say the FBI

Badgerman

What manner of fucked up alternate universe America is this

FancyShark

Oh, so Curt's the bad guy

Thanks, writer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm almost 100% sure Kirkland is the name of a store around here.

Like I think it sells furniture.

Rachel

Curt Branders does seem like a Kirkland brand terrorist

1000 Space GDCs

Fenton has the same secure facilities for confidential documents as donald trump

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Curt Branders, International Assassin and Furniture Salesman.

gellaho

No, wait, we're going to resolve the cliffhanger via telephone

FancyShark

Nothing would make me happier than if the writer forgot this passage and Curt is never mentioned again

Badgerman

Officer Hamburger?!?!

Oh.

Agent of Fortune

Kirkland is the Costco generic brand

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Callie has a mild concussion, which is the new skull tech providing value already.

Rachel

jesus officer, a mild concussion? Who gives a shit?

gellaho

Those big ol' trees claimed a lot of teens tonight

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The mark 3s would have been goo on the dashboard.

FancyShark

"We're still scooping up what's left of Callie's face. Head's still intact."

Badgerman

The skull is a full crumple zone for maximum protection

Agent of Fortune

Concussions are fine, what could go wrong down the line

Rachel

he probably tol three people their kids were dead last month alone

Badgerman

Oh everybody was driving drunk from that party

1000 Space GDCs

Ever since we replaced that section of the road with ball bearings, there's been nothing but trouble.

FancyShark

"They drove into a bumper car stadium"

"There was a birthday"

Rachel

"And now those eight year olds are dead"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Frank kept insisting that the tree "Jumped out in front of him." and "He wasnt responsible."

Rachel

"But nevermind them, your friend has a MILD CONCUSSION"

gellaho

Callie replaced her seatbelts with twine

gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yes......hahahah.........our......."friend".

FancyShark

"I just thought you'd want to know, Joe. Those kids had their whole lives ahead of them. Anyways, your brother isn't even rattled."

Doctors Lake and Palmer could not be reached

Rachel

Her seat belt came loose? I think you can sue the manufacturer, callie.

Brendan

The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard

The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard 2: The Hitman's Kid Brother's Hardyguard

The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard 3: The Hitman's Kid Brother's BodyHardy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank tried to crash test the latest model and wasnt gonna let safety standards get in his way.

Brendan

The Hitman's Kid Brother's Bodyguard 4: Oh fuck mission compromised evac nOW NOW SO MUCH BLOOD

1000 Space GDCs

Frank and Joe still think seatbelts kill more people than they save so Callie was forced to improvise

Rachel

"Callie, I think your concussion might be more serious than we thought.."

Brendan

Goddamn, we cannot keep a Callie intact.

gellaho

What a prank

Brendan

"Also, someone put sneezing powder in your gas tank."

Badgerman

The best senior prank of all: mass murder

Honestly, that sounds about right for high schoolers.

FancyShark

"We got a prank letter, too. Something about purging the unclean from this whore of a nation. We all had a good chuckle."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"We also found this note in your glove box that said "Hahahahah, got you, Frank. Have a great summer. Signed Billy, Chutney, Gormley, and Hurnk"

LyraV

I bet they were wrapped up with giant bows and gift cards too, those sick bastards.

gellaho

Sounds like a great place to live, sure

gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Do......do condos spring up around nightclubs?

Rachel

It turned out six of the other seven cards had those "presents." Car 7 just got a card with five dollars in it.

FancyShark

Condos are like mushrooms. You get the best rate right after a rainstorm when they're fresh.

LyraV

People love living above the bass drop.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Pretty great when they are breaded and deep fried.

Rachel

Oh geah people love living directly a 🍨

gellaho

Alright, this ghostwriter is either 800 years old and/or British

FancyShark
Rachel

Or jordan peterson

Which would explain a lot actually

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Bally ruffians have gone and absconded with the dashed evidence, brother."

FancyShark

"Bully for them, I say. Been a right drought of enticement around these parts for some time."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"By Jove, I think you have it a'right."

gellaho

Ah, yes, the secret technique only known to the illustrious craftsmen at Mr Pizza

gellaho

We gotta get you guys better points of reference

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

mmmm. Pizza.

Agent of Fortune

Did the cops not notice the plank with nails in it in the car tires?

FancyShark

Tony is strangely tight-lipped about where he was prior to moving to Bayport last year.

FancyShark

They ruled it a suicide

Agent of Fortune

Tony Pizza

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It wasnt Germany. Seriously, boys. It wasnt Germany."

Badgerman

Gonna take a guess and say "Prito" is not a genuine Italian last name

gellaho

Jesus Christ, what decade is this supposed to be

FancyShark

Tony looked at a bag of Fritos when asked his name and he improvised

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I hear they snap their fingers in time with their steps. Its real intimidating."

Agent of Fortune

What's the scoop, daddy-o

Rachel

It's a Kirkland snack food

Rachel

I hear they're a gang of jokers.

Agent of Fortune

It's a-me, Tony Pizza

Rachel

And midnight tokers

Badgerman

You know the kids these days, if they ain't chatting all the hot gossip at the pizza parlor, they're necking over at the ice cream bar at the pharmacist's

Agent of Fortune

I mean Prito

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I bet they play PINBALL.

Agent of Fortune

OH SHIT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And BILLIARDS.

Badgerman

"It's a me, harmless local pizza pasta man Tony Mussolin—I MEAN PRITO FUCK"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And DANCE IN PUBLIC HALLS.

Badgerman

We got trouble! Right here in Bayville City!

Agent of Fortune

And sock hops

gellaho

Frank and Joe are played by 50s detectives

1000 Space GDCs

Prito's eavesdropping habit is why he's hiding out in Bayport

gellaho
gellaho

Chet is all in on the cult

FancyShark

Tony the Rat. I bet that's who Curt is after. With his pranks.

Agent of Fortune

There are A LOT of those movies

Rachel

wow frank doesnt even believe in the KKK

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank, that's not a cult, its the KKK.

Badgerman

Ghostwriter was raised in the 40s and currently writing during the Satanic Panic. We cracked the code

FancyShark

Chet already took down the cult but doesn't want to brag

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I like how we had this thought almost at the same time.

gellaho

The third book is called Cult of Crime, so they actually have dealt with this already

Badgerman

It's like how Law and Order rips all its plots from the headlines but still execute their scripts with the sensibilities of studio writers from the 90s

Brendan

By contract, Chet's name must occur within 50 words of pizza.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
FancyShark

CHOOSE A DATE BETW-

oh wait

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Chet is probably the cult Magus.

Agent of Fortune

I listened to three metal bands today that wear hooded cultist robes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Their sinister Black Pope.

gellaho

Back at home, Joe is very impatient with this hospital call

1000 Space GDCs

Putting sneezing powder in the ventilation system at a rave is classic cult activity

Badgerman

Well that rules out the Klan

Agent of Fortune

Sorry I'll stop

Joe makes out with himself, got it

Brendan

Cult of the April's Fool

FancyShark

"Archmagus, are you sure this is what Cthulhu commands?"

"YES! DO NOT QUESTION ME! AND PUT GLUE ON THE TOILET SEATS!"

Rachel

we've all had that urge

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe hasnt eaten anything for ten minutes and he's getting hungry so he's tasting the inside of his mouth.

gellaho

Dick confirmed

Agent of Fortune

That's serious escalation

Rachel

is a dick smutty?

Badgerman

Holy shit, what a call

FancyShark

Like how Ed Gein started with Chinese finger traps

1000 Space GDCs

No, this is fifties sensibility smut. Someone wrote "gosh darn" on the school

Agent of Fortune

That's like Marijuana to heroin pipeline

Rachel

To me smut requires a sense of story, of action

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Really it was tastefully executed but you can't say that sort of thing about President Eisenhower, and certainly not with an illustration."

gellaho

This ghostwriter is very strange

Agent of Fortune

Paging Rachel

Rachel

just one?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"God Frank, no I wont smell your finger. That's not even how that........you know what, nevermind."

1000 Space GDCs

Those aren't bouncers, Joe.

FancyShark

This is almost human language!

Agent of Fortune

They are bouncy, though

Brendan

"Joe Hardy Eats Vaginna"

gellaho

"Hello, plot speaking"

Agent of Fortune

RIGHT MEOW

FancyShark

"It's going to be a bag filled with Skittles left on top of a refrigerator! I told you it'd be worse!"

gellaho

What a thrilling story

Rachel

"We're going to replace the syrup in the McDonald's coca cola machine with PEPSI. AHAHAHAHAHA"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The old Hickerson Mansion? Where Hiram Hickerson, the inventory of Hirams Hickory Hickeys used to live? It's been abandoned for years!

Badgerman

He was a big wheel. Like the toy bike. Like Herbie the Love Bug was a Volkswagen. It was real fuckin weird

FancyShark

They say it's haunted!

Agent of Fortune

That's way more fucked up than crashing cars

Brendan

Hickerson-smoked Hirams

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah what kind of goober pranks a museum tho?

FancyShark

An art gallery. It's a nerd turf war

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's performance art! Its Kaufmanesque!"

gellaho

You know those conversations you have about conversations you just had, but in reverse

FancyShark

The museum retaliates by placing arms on the Venus de Milo

Rachel

it's purple hair girl isnt it

Agent of Fortune

Oh they admit frank is a robot

That's refreshing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Probably the voice belonged to one of the denatured Callies who escaped the resyk facility.

Bayport is full of them, because the "resyk facility" is Fentons shed and a crowbar.

FancyShark

Callie Omega. She can't die. Nor can they get her to remain in her cell for more than a few weeks before she finds a way to claw out.

1000 Space GDCs

She's who all the other Callies are spawned from

gellaho

This is how high schoolers talked in the eighties. Like people who were alive when the flashlight was invented.

Badgerman

Quantum Callie. With the power of quantum immortality

Fucking Mystery Inc ass dialogue

1000 Space GDCs

The hardys have a hard time distinguishing between a prank and a heist

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

knoll.....trees......grass.....grassy knoll..........THE HARDY BOYS SHOT KENNEDY!?

FancyShark

Meanwhile, the gnoll ducks back behind a tree before anyone can clarify

LyraV

As long as one of them gets nearly garroted to death I'm happy.

Agent of Fortune

We could probably crowd source write one of these books by now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The famous Bayport Knoll Gnoll.

gellaho

Kids love the cupola perch

Rachel

as long as there isn't a gazebo

FancyShark

It photobombs all the monster hunter shows

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nearby is a kiosk that sells Bayport Knoll Gnoll Rolls.

FancyShark

Kids love a flapping back-

no

LyraV

I feel like HotDog Hardy Adventures would get dark real quick.

1000 Space GDCs

This museum is in terrible condition

gellaho

Clicking on his flash

Agent of Fortune

Excellent restraint, Shark

Agent of Fortune

Page one paragraph one sentence one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Motherfuckers wipe your feet before you vandalize a historical site!

gellaho

What're you talking about, it looks mint

FancyShark

Is good. Like new. You buy. Make offer.

Agent of Fortune

Mint in box

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ah to see Hiram Hickersons Hickory Hickey Hut fall so low.

People told ol Hiram "You cant build a house out of hickory wood." and "This is a swamp." and "Please stop sending us letters."

gellaho

Just once, for me, write "dove"

FancyShark

And "We're an ice cream shop"

gellaho

Oh, right, fire

Badgerman

This is what it sounds like, when dives cry

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

and "Nobody wants hickory flavored ice cream.":

Hahahah arson is a sick prank bro.

FancyShark

The fire's out of shape, so it's not climbing that fast, but still, scary

Badgerman

This whole fuckin loser town is getting pranked so fuckin hard dude

gellaho

Good thing they left the extinguishers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahaha did you see the look on Franks face when he saw we set the house on fire? Total classic prank, Gormley."

Brendan

Luring the Hardys to an agonizing death was a pretty good prank.

FancyShark

There were pranks in the movie Dirty Work that were less lethal than this

Badgerman

There were pranks in Revenge of the Nerds that were more legal than this

gellaho

And what a crisis it was

FancyShark

There were pranks in Saw that were better than this

Rachel

Well, i thought it was funny.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is pretty close to being a remake of Fistful of Dollars, all we need is for people to gun down Frank and Joe as they leave the burning house.

Agent of Fortune

They'd survive unfortunately

FancyShark

"I guess furniture does that," the Hardys thought, leaving without further comment.

Badgerman

We can dream

Badgerman

Yeah, in an age where everything is made out of asbestos, this should be mad sus

Brendan

For a Few Callies More

gellaho

Joe was hopeful because... reasons

Agent of Fortune

Venture Brothers really wasn't much of an exaggeration

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Someone is gonna collect a ton of the insurance money. Bayport must be the insurance fraud capital of the world by now.

Badgerman

Oh fuck, it's the cops. This is gonna be a remake of Dollars

Brendan

At what point do the Hardys become suspects?

1000 Space GDCs

A cop named Con?

FancyShark

Con Riley? Have we been sitting on such a great name this whole time?

Rachel

It is a little on the nose

Badgerman

That's nothing, I knew a con artist named Copper once

Brendan

Amateur sleuths never get suspected but the volunteer firefighters do?

FancyShark

When they are actively stabbing the police in a courthouse

gellaho

Classic seventeen year old talk

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His brother Pro Riley is a baker in San Francisco who makes artisanal dog treats.

Badgerman

Crassus really gave the whole practice a bad name

Agent of Fortune

And his buddy Con Edison

Brendan

Classic rich white kids.

gellaho

He's appeared a lot

1000 Space GDCs

Con's full name is Constantinople. He wants to get it changed to Istanbul, though

Brendan

Why'd he change it?

FancyShark

I guess I forgot his first name

Badgerman

That's nobody's business but the Turks'

Agent of Fortune

It's nobody's business but the turks

Rachel

pffft that's so silly

Badgerman

Scooped ya

FancyShark

That's nobodies-

SCOOPED

Agent of Fortune

Damn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Con Riley gets a lot of shit when he flies the PD helicopter, the dispatcher wont answer him until he refers to it as "Con Air."

Rachel

As if a real person would have a last name like "Riley"

Brendan

In Bayport everyone Italian or darker gets called a Turk.

Badgerman

oh baby, the double scoop

Badgerman

Officer Con Baby

Rachel

I'd watch that movie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I say, Joe, those bally Turks are at it again!"

Agent of Fortune

If your family didn't come over on the mayflower you're not a real Bayportian

FancyShark

"Next thing you know, the whole bloody town's going to be crawling with Huns"

Brendan

Mayflower? Those half-humans kicked out of England for not being Anglican?

Rachel

Send those Huns back to Hunsberg

gellaho

Con makes them leave. This writer has fully given up on the boy detective thing

Agent of Fortune

Wrestling entrance theme lyrics

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Show Jerry and his ruddy Kaiser what for, pip pip."

FancyShark

Joe's reading a pamphlet he sees on the ground

Rachel

poor joe, his vigilanteism isnt being enabled for once.

LyraV

You've been playing too much Bioshock Infinite Joe, take a break.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shut the fuck up, Joe.

Nobody has tried to kill you with a gun yet.

1000 Space GDCs

Joe heard the word unsung for the first time this week and has been dying for a chance to use it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And no elephants have been machine gunned.

This is just about as good as it gets.

FancyShark

"They'll look up and shout 'save us!' And I'll look down and whisper 'let's go get a pizza'"

gellaho

Kids love paisley

Agent of Fortune

A CLUE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Paisley SILK so you know its posh.

Brendan

Frank's Diary: Oct. 8, 1989: Bayport is afraid of me. This city has seen my true face.

gellaho

Pranksters love insignias

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Dashitall, Joe! The games afoot! FOR GOD AND ST. GEORGE!"

FancyShark

"Lost another Callie. Hrm."

Agent of Fortune

Hot dog Hardy Boys DID get dark immediately

Rachel

This is some jack chick shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"After you burn down the museum, we will play D&D."

Rachel

elfstar! Nooooooo!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And there will be a potluck dinner!"

1000 Space GDCs

These people are just trying to film a reality tv show and the hardys keep ruining the challenges

Brendan

Hickson Clock Co. failed for a reason.

FancyShark

PRANKS: Are Your Children Caught Up in the Hip New Fad?

gellaho

Chez Maurice speaks of the pompatus of love

Badgerman

The best criminal conspiracies circulate evidence of their crimes on physical media

Brendan

The only ghost hunter show I want to watch is the Hardys barging in constantly.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank is so defensive about his horniness for paper.

Brendan

I mean it worked for the Illuminati and airports.

gellaho

We really need to get you better points of reference

Rachel

I live in filth 😄

Badgerman

To be fair Chick Tracks rule. Not in the way he intended. But they do rule

Rip to a legend

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They're hilarious.

Best part of shitting in a public bathroom is finding one.

Agent of Fortune

Pour one out for a real one

Rachel

rest in piss jack

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or was when you could find one in the wild.

gellaho

Can't decide on the spelling of hot(-) dog

FancyShark

"Chez Maurice" serves only the finest aerosol dairy products

Rachel

Hot-dog roll, just like americans always call it

Badgerman

It's "hot dog bun" you fucking heathen

FancyShark

Best Wurst is a good name though

Brendan

Wait, what do you call it?

1000 Space GDCs

pigs in a blanket?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"By George, Joe those dashed ducks are giving each other the business over your American Style Sausage Roll."

FancyShark

"Grain pocket"

Brendan

I'm going to have to consult Brockway's Canadian Grain Superheroes article.

gellaho

What is this, fucking Great Expectations?

Rachel

I cant tell you all our secrets Brendan

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If you put salsa on a hotdog with a rye bun its called "The Devils Meatus."

Because of the rye.

Badgerman

I never knew that a book could be eurojank until now

FancyShark

"Prithee, fair fellows. Might I speak with you about the confoundments of the age?"

Rachel

"I suggest for a proper gift you try this beautiful plank of wood with nails."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe "Considerable wealth" Hardy.

1000 Space GDCs

The saleswoman makes a point to rob Joe later

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe would, and thats why he doesnt have a girlfriend. Everyone knows you buy a proper lady a fancy flanged mace as a token of courtship.

FancyShark

Halberd if she puts out

Rachel

Personally i accept all kinds of whips and scourges as well, but I'm a very progressive and modern woman.

gellaho

This bit goes on for a while

Badgerman

True gentlemen would forge their own.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Polearms are for peasants, its improper to give one to a lady. The symbolism alone will give her the vapors.

Badgerman

The whoopee powder cut off oxygen flow to his brain. Gave him amnesia. Doesn't even remember he's American. Very sad

FancyShark

There are two chain-smoking, hardboiled detectives watching this whole sting operation from a van absolutely refusing to believe this shit

1000 Space GDCs

This lady regularly deals with creeps looking to buy stuff for their stalking victims, she's used to this kind of behavior

gellaho

Next time, let's start with the part about how Joe knows her. Otherwise it just sounds like he stalked her until the end of the paragraph

Rachel

Joe is so smooth. Well, his brain is.

Agent of Fortune

Biff

Rachel

Biff Hooper?

Badgerman

Good ol Biff

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He'd get told "Buy her a mace." and would give her some crude iron ball on a stick.

FancyShark

Biff Hooper isn't his real name. It's just the closest thing to words he's been able to say.

Badgerman

Do you think he knows Plurge Gobbo

LyraV

He's simply terrible at making casks.

1000 Space GDCs

His full name is Biffery.

Rachel

"Knows" is a strong word for Biff

Agent of Fortune

These are all such fifties names

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah Biffellthorpe Reinbach Hooper III, his dad runs a barrel factory, Hoopers Coopers.

gellaho

Little rich girl

FancyShark

Family forever shamed by the "snuff incident"

Badgerman

Most of this manuscript was sitting on a shelf in Derry for like twelve years until the right bits of Hardy Boys could be grafted onto a genteel young adult romance

gellaho

Sure, end with how he's bald. That's the important thing

Rachel

Hm, i never heard of an antiques store with a business van. Do they do delivery?

Badgerman

The butler did it!

Agent of Fortune

They deliver PAIN

Rachel

If we're not there in thirty minutes, this authentic 18th century Tuscan lamp is free!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha they have an actual butler lol.

Badgerman

I don't know how yet. But I'm sure it's real clever.

FancyShark

"Hey, dude? Can I get a soda?"

Badgerman

He's putting on a good act of being dead. But I'm onto him.

1000 Space GDCs

There's a trail of blood leading from the conservatory, where Joe finds a bent candlestick on the floor

FancyShark

"Dude?"

gellaho

Definitely foreign. No American has ever used that meaning of clout

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Theyve gone and laid low the bally SERVANTS! Now how will we have tea?!"

FancyShark

"Blimey, this is all manner of bother"

Brendan

Joe holding his own against Sagat.

1000 Space GDCs

Joe's first head injury of the night!

Badgerman

If you drop the C from "blinding clout" you get Jared Leto's pasty ass standing in full sunlight

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Beat 👏 Joe 👏 to death 👏 with sticks! 👏

Brendan

I thought Mark Wahlberg was the lout who blinds.

Agent of Fortune

Joe's brain is basically a giant bruise at this point

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Antique sticks!

gellaho

The tweens really enjoyed reading about Joe's spasms of pain

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Possibly a fine Irish blackthorne shillelagh.

FancyShark

That stick's life is flashing before it

Badgerman

Joe has a stroke. For the kids!

gellaho

Have fun children

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bane of landlord and yeoman alike.

Rachel

Now this is a gift that would win my heart

Especially if i had an opportunity to crack Joe's skull with it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Noted.

FancyShark

The End?

Badgerman

We're not that lucky

gellaho

Meanwhile: Fat Cat

Badgerman

Great gift idea for Hot Dog Secret Santa, in case anyone's making plans

FancyShark

MEHITABEL

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Joe crashed into the sweet arms of Oblivion. Well, on to the next chapter, kids."

KITTY!

A calico!

FancyShark

TWENTY-EIGHTH DEMON OF SOLOMON AND KEEPER OF THE MIDNIGHT GRIMOIRE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And she chonk!

Badgerman

Why isn't this novel about Mehitabel and her owner solving crimes instead of these end crusts of white bread

FancyShark

oh, wait, no

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Best part of this book so far.

FancyShark

it's a kitty

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And?

Rachel

SHE CAN BE BOTH

Agent of Fortune

CAt

gellaho

Fenton has all the coolest friends

FancyShark

I may have overreacted

LyraV

Kitty definitely has several death metal albums named after her.

Agent of Fortune

That's not how you spell Marshall

FancyShark

Rolling papers, specifically

Rachel

Professor Marschall founded Dunder-Mifflin

Badgerman

Tbh I would be the "uncanny paper knowledge" friend so I can't point any fingers here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

HELLO PORTLAND! WE ARE BLOODDOOM AND THIS IS SKINEATER FROM OUR HIT ALBUM MEHITABEL!

Agent of Fortune

I've heard them

LyraV

Marschall sounds like a sort of fancy ice cream dessert.

Brendan

DeClaire Marschall, professor of law.

gellaho

Oh, fuck. You've gotta settle down, ghostwriter. I don't know if I can handle this level of excitement

gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Professor, my brother Joe says I have a paper mill in my butt. What does he mean by that? I dont understand him at all."

Rachel

oh ive heard them

Brendan

Professor Marschall whistled inappropriately at a passing coed.

Badgerman

This dude fucking collected paper like Home Depot carpet samples and/or infinity stones

Rachel

Th professor fucking hates frank

Brendan

The soil in this sample could ONLY have come from the Mansion's east bank.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Leaving Professor Marschall was a very weird breakup movie. Had Mila Kunis tho so it wasnt all bad.

gellaho

Everything is a ruin

FancyShark

Darkest Dungeon takes place in Bayport

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man if some dickhead teen came into my office demanding my paper expertise I would bore him to death. Alot like this.

Badgerman

Ruin has come to our — fuck

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I too, flee wailing down the darkened corridors of academia.

gellaho

Ruins are well known for their paper hoards

gellaho

And for being 25 years old

FancyShark

That was the original draft before they demanded more narration

Badgerman

Wayne fell off his chair

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Locked desks being notorious for being proof against moisture and stuff.

Also I didnt go to college, is it normal for such institutions to have their own special type of paper?

Badgerman

Hey man, they lasted just fine in Fallout

FancyShark

"Won't let me write my steamy Victorian romance novel, huh? Fine. I'll give you pages. I'll give you pages for days."

gellaho

Somebody really wants that paper

gellaho
Badgerman

I didn't go to a college that had its own bespoke paper stock but they sure charged me like the did

Rachel

mood

FancyShark

Won't someone please take dat paper?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

T-MONEY!

Badgerman

A teenager! KILL IT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

COUNTING IT WITH HIS TONGUE!

Oh shit I blacked out there for a second and channeled Hambone.

FancyShark

Frank, I'm pretty sure the next bullet is coming from a gun

Badgerman

IT TOOK A DOUBLE PUMP TO GET HIM OUT OF THE BURNING RUIN

Rachel

interesting theory

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This isnt even related to the case, the residents of Bayport just really like shooting at each other while driving.

gellaho

JOE HUNGERS

Badgerman

Shit, when's the next Battle Dome watch party

FancyShark

There are subtle clues

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lucky and Wild is Bayports most popular arcade game.

FancyShark

Next week

Badgerman

Thought the narration was calling the hot dog beautiful

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe tells time by hotdogs in his stomach.

FancyShark

Joe ate an actual dog. Joe thought it was sexy.

Rachel

Downtown kirkland hot dogs decompose at very predictable speeds

Unlike downtown kirkland hot-dogs, which have highly unpredictable rolls

John, a mustache and a headband

Amazing he's been kidnapped so often his first thought is the time.

FancyShark
1000 Space GDCs

Joe really takes being knocked out and kidnapped in stride.

Badgerman

Foreshadowing

Agent of Fortune

Fell asleep did I miss anything

FancyShark

Mostly paper

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And he woke up next to the mutilated corpse of someone named Venus! Some crazy motherfucker put a clock in her!

1000 Space GDCs

I had to walk to a bar, I missed some stuff too.

gellaho

Joe spends a couple of pages getting out of the chair. Then runs into Jeanne

Brendan

I love Hardy weeks so much.

FancyShark

We still haven't hit our redhead quota

Badgerman

Joe noticed she wasn't tied, the kinky bastard

Brendan

Jeanne Sinclair, Lady Consort

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, Joe. I smashed your skull in because you came into my house without permission, unannounced."

Brendan

This is my parlour loveseat, Joe. You are trespassing.

gellaho

Now Joe's in some kind of death trap

Rachel

Mmm. I need a boyfriend.

FancyShark

"Jeanne Sinclair. I might've known."

"Joe, this is my house."

Rachel

A durable one this time.

Badgerman

"The room will begin flooding with poison gas unless you solve my riddle."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"The door is made solid steel and locked. Now lift up your shirt Joe. I sewed the key inside you. There's a knife on the side table. LET THE GAME BEGIN!"

Brendan

Joe thought for a minute, then charged headfirst through the drywall around the steel.

FancyShark

Joe proceeds to chew on the doorknob

Rachel

Mmm. I need a boyfriend.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Frank had some banter with himself

Badgerman

"May" is being optimistic

Rachel

note that he's zooming past regular trees.

Not big, old trees

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's just like Frank to 1) be driving Callies car during being shot at, and 2) not have his own goddam gun.

1000 Space GDCs

As in, he's giving them permission?

Badgerman

As in the gunmen may kill him before the killer trees do

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also how does her car not have armor plates and bulletproof glass?

Rachel

Yeah, i thought this was america!

Shouldn't the teens all have guns?

gellaho

Frank runs out of the car into the forest, and the people just kind of leave

FancyShark

"The pitter-patter of hot lead told me that Callie was gonna be in a tizzy when I next saw her, assuming the mooks on my tail didn't relocate me to a new bed six feet underground"

gellaho

He goes home

Badgerman

Oh thank god. I was worried there would be stakes

Brendan

Hardy Boys in SIN CITY: THAT PURPLE LESBO

Rachel

Frank hasnt eaten anything in hours, call the hospital!

Brendan

wait, is lesbo hate speech yet or is that just slang

Badgerman

Aunt Gertrude came carrying a ham sandwich on a plate. Not rawdogging it like some kind of degenerate

Rachel

Ill give you a pass this time.

Brendan

Seriously? I'm sorry if it is.

gellaho

Why even bother writing this

1000 Space GDCs

Aunt Gertrude's dementia has progressed far enough that she doesn't remember Joe anymore.

Brendan

I need to know, this stuff is in motion always.

Agent of Fortune

Ah hell my parents are here

Badgerman

Oh fuck, he hasn't eaten and now darkness is closing in. My man has hypoglycemia

Rachel

haha no it's fine sweetie it's a very mild, jocular term

FancyShark

How about SIN CITY: A DAME TO CHET FOR

Rachel

Sorry for teasing you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh yeah thanks for returning my car IN EXCELLENT CONDITION Frank."

Brendan

Tease always, just let me know if I'm wandering into scorched backtrail.

1000 Space GDCs

Better condition than usual, to be fair.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This Callie is just a tad passive aggressive.

Rachel

Will do

FancyShark

Callie's happy she doesn't have to hose the remains of another Callie out of the interior this time

Badgerman

"Is he in trouble?"

"Well, it's Joe, so"

1000 Space GDCs

Usually when a Hardy borrows her car she immediately picks up a new issue of auto trader.

Rachel

Callie's insurance bill is astronomical

FancyShark

Her credit score is just a poo emoji

Badgerman

She should just invest in a Pinto, let that problem finally solve itself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I mean I dont CARE if he's in trouble. It's just a hassle to start the decantation process and who wants to start that if the old one isnt expired yet? Talk about awkward."

gellaho

Frank arrives at an old building, again

1000 Space GDCs

Her insurance company stopped covering acts of Hardy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bayports insurance industry is basically nonexistent.

Badgerman

Are any of these spooky haunted houses actually going to be haunted

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They have to get a federal subsidy just to have a bank in city limits.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Course not. The only ghosts around the Hardy Boys are the ghosts of exploded girlfriends.

gellaho

Seems like these pranksters might also be swingers

FancyShark

For the ultimate prank, we enslaved the souls of the dead to make spooky noises while we charge bored suburbanites $5 a person to shuffle through our deathtrap of a house

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Good luck haunting a car when Joe has its scorched remains crushed into a cube.

Badgerman

What is this, a goldfish seance club?

FancyShark

"It's saying something!......................'glub'?"

Ozzie

Their logo is a billiard ball?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I TOLD you guys to use washable paint! Now the principal wont let us have our LARP here again!"

1000 Space GDCs

That place looks horrifying under black light.

gellaho

Just like Kevin, forgetting the ceremonial candles

FancyShark

"And you're sure this is how we lose our virginity?"

"Yes, dumbass. It says so right here in the DMG."

FancyShark

You'd never think a blacklight could catch fire

Badgerman

"You forgot our special ceremonial incense again, Biiiiff! 😩"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"NO YOU GET SOME BIFF! I'm the High Wizard, you're just the Exalted Magician, its your job this time."

FancyShark

That's so Kevin!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Did you even bring the Doritos and Mt. Dew, KEVIN?!"

gellaho

Typical candle tiff

FancyShark

"NUH UH! I BROUGHT THE TABLE SO IT'S MY TURN TO BE THE WIZARD!"

1000 Space GDCs

So many cults have broken up over stupid candle fights.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Look, just because I sent Gormley "Pussy Hound" Chalmers over to her house to tell her to keep her mouth shut, doesnt mean I'm responsible for what may or may not have happened, BIFF."

FancyShark

Parents, talk to your kids about candles before someone else does.

Badgerman

"It's VITALLY IMPORTANT that our Yankee Candle shipments be kept in our criminal storeroom 😤"

Rachel

If they dont keep it down Kevin's mom is going to have to come down there.

Brendan

Are they still writing Hardy novels? Is it in that grunting the kids call slang?

gellaho

Biff seems to have joined this group without knowing anything about it

Badgerman

In fairness that's how most people end up in DnD circles

Rachel

Biff is the High Wizard of Exposition

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Biff is asking a lot of questions for a guy in a Circle.

Brendan

"females don't want a real man, they just want a cuck to pay their bills," said Chet.

"based AF" chuckled Joe.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its like Biff doesnt understand what he's here for.

Brendan

Hi, I am the future, now and forever. I will always be young and I am not a cranky old man right now.

gellaho

The one they call Kevin

Agent of Fortune

Fucking amateurs

Badgerman

Kevin Branders, that consumerist pig

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"If it WAS Kevin Branders, then Frank would ambush him with a sock full of gravel."

1000 Space GDCs

The earth-man you call 'Kevin'.

Rachel

He's here as a blood sarifice to Ba'al. Which he will later admit is a pretty great prank.

gellaho

Third gun pull

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"If not, Frank would just slash his tires."

FancyShark

"I decided to tail the one called Kevin. He was clearly the only brain in this little scholar's club."

Brendan

It's going to go ugly when the other prisoners find out the Crimson Council of 12 gang was sent upriver by two HS seniors.

Badgerman

"Hold it right there, son", as he's dangling from a ledge

Not like he can do fucking anything else

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ba'al: "Oh ho ho ho! You really got me this time, Kevin. You pranked me good, this guy was supposed to go to Moloch."

FancyShark

"Kevin, you are the best!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"This is better than that time you had a herd of sacrificial goats delivered to the Baptist church on fifth street."

gellaho

Meanwhile: Joe gets some exposition

FancyShark

"Or that time I put holy water in your-"

"We don't talk about that, Kevin."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Honestly, I just joined this Circle to fuck nerds, but the losers just kept putting arson in the bowl."

Badgerman

Oh, so it's all just a hilarious misunderstanding that built up to mass murder plots

Brendan

Nah, Ba'al only accepts child sacrifice. Hardys are canonically 18 to rent cars and stuff.

FancyShark

Jeanne set this all up as an elaborate way to tell Joe to not talk to her

Rachel

Hence, prank

gellaho

Classic Kevin

Rachel

Keep up ya lesbo

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah but they've been held back more than a little bit, so all the kids they know are 16.

Brendan

Oh man, if I were that cool.

Badgerman

Kevin is the cult leader personality type. This shit just kind of happens with him

LyraV

He's always hosting late night cult orgies, Oh Kevin you scoundrel.

Rachel

Well who hasnt done that a few dozen times?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuckin KEVINS always having the worst cult orgies.

FancyShark

Kevin's college transcript is metal as fuck

Badgerman

Not for lack of trying, I assure you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They never have enough hydration.

And the balance is all off.

1000 Space GDCs

Jeanne got creeped out when Kevin kept putting pranks in the bowl that said 'show me ur boobs'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And you dont even get a quality statue of Baphomet with the big ol tonker.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean anything to anyone, Jeanne

Badgerman

Only Biff took him up on it, oddly

FancyShark

Kevin's dog keeps telling people to kill the innocent. Or it wants beggin' strips. It's hard to tell.

Badgerman

Gramatkee's not a name, it's a borked Scrabble hand

LyraV

A real common behavioral issue

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Kevin this idol of Baphomet is paper mache! Who would be able to fuck this? It will crumble the first time! You suck."

gellaho

Pullovers are very intimidating

Rachel

I gotta disappear, i love y'all!

Badgerman

Sweet James Bond cosplay, dickhead

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

International assassin and teen cult member?

FancyShark

Take care, Rachel!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Watch out for the teen cultists!

Agent of Fortune

SURPRISE

LyraV

have fun!

gellaho

Curt has the thinnest lips in the business

Badgerman

Check under your tires for board with nails in!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man you are obviously going to kill him later, Curt.

Just shoot him NOW.

Badgerman

Curt's got Kenneth Branagh lips

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Your car seat will wash.

FancyShark

Curt can't even sip without spilling his drink. That's how thin his lips are.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hes an international assassin because Bayports insurance collapse has made cosmetic surgery too expensive, so he cant get the plump ass lips he's always dreamed of.

gellaho

Meanwhile: Frank is accosted by Droopy Mustache

Badgerman

He was almost completely bald except for his hair and mustache.

Normal human man

1000 Space GDCs

Is the caliber of the guns relevant information here?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is really weird, I genuinely hope that these two adult men arent in a teen prank cult.

gellaho

It goes well

FancyShark

So far, this is all a classic Fenton prank

Badgerman

This stupid asshole did a Jedi front flip and landed straight into a gun barrel. Fuck you, Frank.

Brendan

"Here? In the men's room stall?"

1000 Space GDCs

Frank pulls off a surprisingly effective elbow drop.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Droopy Mustache pulls off his disguise and its Fenton.

FancyShark

"Gotcha, son!"

Brendan

You know, this was in fact the proper reserve of the exclamation point.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahaha, Son. You need to be more careful, what if this had been a real scenario where your dad sets up an elaborate cult and is about to shoot you in the face?"

gellaho

Joe escapes his chair. Again.

FancyShark

"So, Mr. Sittles. We meet again."

"Joe, are you talking to the chair?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe........its called a haymaker.

You fucking NERD.

gellaho

Big Automatic Thump is the name of my funk band

Badgerman

He "circled down on him" with a punch

What, was it fucking tracking him?

Did he make HEAT lock on the dude before throwing out that roundhouse?

FancyShark

"Which is sad, because Frank was trying to dive out the window."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man how bad a gunman do you have to be to miss when your gun is pressed against the forehead?!

FancyShark

At some point, you're better off hoping for an accident

Badgerman

Was there even a token "smack the gun hand out of the way" move

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or is all this a fantasy passing thru Frank's brain as it cools on the floor?

gellaho

Back at the house: CONSUME

FancyShark

Remember when this book was about...

what was this about?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

A series of.......slightly out of hand pranks?

Badgerman

"What, you don't think I can stuff my face with these donuts? Fuckin' watch me you weak ass"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe and Frank breaking up a D&D game?

gellaho

You can type Gramatkee as much as you like, I will not accept it

FancyShark

Callie's insurance claim?

Badgerman

Gramatkee sounds like a fucked up Final Fantasy monster

FancyShark

Curt Branders: We'll Label Anything And We'll Be Briefly Rude

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah Willis Gramatkee, of Gramatkees Tchotchkees and Keys.

1000 Space GDCs

Gramatkee sounds like a white person trying to come up with a native American sounding name.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gramatkees Pączkis and Keys was such a dud, people kept choking on the keys.

FancyShark

Gramatkee the Polish Gnome was not a popular book

gellaho

Off to another abandoned building

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

the pączki was pretty alright tho.

FancyShark

Are we sure Bayport isn't in Chernobyl?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It sounds like a suburb of Detroit.

1000 Space GDCs

Bayport has more abandoned buildings than Gotham city.

Badgerman

This is like an MST3K where the movie is so boring Mike/Joel/Jonah and the bots can't save it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Bayport, Indiana. Where Hope Goes To Die Uninsured.

Badgerman

If this all ends with Robocop busting through a wall to save the day I'll take back everything I said about this book

FancyShark

It's not as batshit as some of the other books, but the riffs tonight have been top notch. Like cheese puffs.

1000 Space GDCs

That one where Tom is just screaming 'END!'

gellaho

At the old barn, Joe is getting Catty

FancyShark

"Don't go there, girlfriend," says the whitest boy in the 50's 80's

Badgerman

The virgin accomplice vs the Chad chartwell boxer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh........Chad did you not see what happened to Crumbleton? Kevin stabbed him six times for "questioning him" and all Crumbleton did was ask Kevin if he could pass the salt."

FancyShark

Classic Kevin prank

gellaho

Joe decides to beat him up

gellaho
FancyShark

Like Joe Pesci's character in any Scorcese movie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Glass Chad.

Everyone knows he's the easiest character to beat in Super Hardy Out.

1000 Space GDCs

Chartwell is a catering company. No wonder he sucks at boxing.

Badgerman

I mean I'd have tried to befriend him but I guess the blind haymaker works too

gellaho

Kevin has psychic powers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Not even a haymaker, two jabs. Jabs are the punch you throw to measure or create distance or keep their defence occupied.

Chad is a terrible boxer. He needs to watch more Hajime no Ippou.

Badgerman

He made it like three steps and got dog piled

Why do these dorks keep splitting up again?

gellaho

Joe's having quite a day

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe.........why was the police a bluff?

Brendan

NOT an exclamation cliffhanger

gellaho

He hasn't exploded yet, so it's still looking up

FancyShark

Light takes longer to register in Joe's brain

Badgerman

Guard just fucking windmill spinning that punch. Like a cartoon character

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe hasnt been the same since Frank replaced his brain with a lobsters central nervous system.

Badgerman

He went on to runner-up at UFC 3

gellaho

They save that for the end of chapters

FancyShark

GELLAHO cliffhanger!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The best kind of cliffhangers!

Badgerman

You're telling me gellaho understands pacing and tension better than the guy who wrote this book?

Yeah, I believe that.

1000 Space GDCs

Low bar.

FancyShark

Nothing says "legendary detective" like hoping you can stop after ringing a doorbell

gellaho

Shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank........why did you not CALL AHEAD YOU FUCKING DINGUS!

Brendan

It was I, Joe. Your own brother: the architect of all your pain.

gellaho

☑️ Redhead

And

☑️ Sleeenderrrr

FancyShark

"Joe, you're talking to a sponge."

gellaho

And a nerd, it has everything

FancyShark

WE HIT PAYDIRT!

1000 Space GDCs

This redhead is not paying attention to Frank's words at all.

I like her

gellaho

And now she's out of the book

Badgerman

Just checking off that bingo box

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man making an Argonauts reference with your boat is dangerously close to hubris.

FancyShark

The Argonauts are kicking themselves for not ringing the doorbell

dammit, scooped

Badgerman

The greatest Argonaut of all: Kevin

gellaho

This is at least the fifth time in this book that one of them has arrived at a place where "it was obvious something was wrong"

1000 Space GDCs

'to be alone' is code for 'do drugs with sex workers'.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Doing drugs with sex workers is the best kind of aloneness.

FancyShark

I hope to someday be described as "weather-beaten"

Badgerman

I hope this ends in a sniper fight in the middle of a hurricane like in Equalizer 2.

Agent of Fortune

GRAMATKEEEEE

FancyShark

"Frank then used the lamp to cave in the man's skull"

gellaho

Biff is still going along with this for... reasons

Badgerman

I say, they've taken the motor launch!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean that guard probably will never regain consiousness anyway, and if he does he will need flash cards to spell anything but "mksplubb" again.

Badgerman

That's not cricket 😤

FancyShark

Biff's pretty sure he's in the right place

Brendan

when things are wrong everywhere you go, you're what's wrong.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah I'm aiding an assassination. Its a PRANK, DUH."

1000 Space GDCs

Frank could have saved the guards life by calling an ambulance. As it is, he will bleed to death internally.

gellaho

Frank commandeers Tony's smuggling boat

FancyShark

So many concrete shoes on board

Agent of Fortune

BIFFFFFF

TONY PIZZAAAAA

Badgerman

"Lucky I remembered to backfill this exposition," Frank thought to himself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahah yeah. Ol Tony has a boat.....for.......smuggling. Yes. For smuggling my famous pizza sauce. To avoid.......tariffs......"

1000 Space GDCs

Frank's spying on the guy in witness protection pays off.

gellaho

So many head wounds

FancyShark

Tony's torso would be found a week later, floating in the bay

gellaho

Head Wound: The Book

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And absolutely NOT to hide the corpses of people who discover my secret connection to Operation Gladio. Nope."

FancyShark

Curt Branders: We'll Keep It Brief And Personalized

Badgerman

Why'd you bring a gun if you're just going to go out of your way to avoid using it

gellaho

Look at those faaaaat candles

Brendan

Neurologists in Bayport must buy a new Rolls every week.

FancyShark

Guns in the Hardy universe are more like the Talking Stick. You're not allowed to monologue unless you're holding a gun

Agent of Fortune

CURT BRANDERSSSSS

Badgerman

They prefer "stout"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You see, Frank, as an INTERNATIONAL ASSASSIN I sometimes feel the need to kind of.....spice things up in the work place. It would have been really easy to have shot this old man days ago and fucked off to Belize or something. But instead I wove an elaborate plan involving framing a teen cult for murder. To keep busy, you see."

gellaho

This ghostwriter must find sweaters very threatening

FancyShark

Mr. Rogers was his Jigsaw

Agent of Fortune

OTHER BRANDERSSSSS

Badgerman

A dark sweater now, to contrast with his earlier dark sweater

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, Kevin. Nobody currently sitting on an apple barrel gets to jeer at someone elses intellect.

Badgerman

Oh fuck, it's the Psycho Ranger Hardy Boys

1000 Space GDCs

That's a Hooper brand apple barrel!

Brendan

The '90s had such a misplaced idea of the need for baggy sweaters.

Agent of Fortune

Psycho loco

FancyShark

It's like every writer was intimidated by longshoremen

gellaho

Angry Kevin

FancyShark

Hang on, Curt's a thief?

Agent of Fortune

Yeah that's not funny

Badgerman

Not as cool as "international swindler"

Agent of Fortune

He prefers grifter

FancyShark

His cover as a thief is "international assassin"?

Badgerman

I have a DnD character like that but in reverse

1000 Space GDCs

To be fair that is cooler

gellaho

Those foolish poor little rich kids

gellaho

Other way around

Badgerman

So this is all just a big revenge scheme?

Agent of Fortune

Assassin international?

FancyShark

Ah, thank you

1000 Space GDCs

Classic cult leader rug pull

Badgerman

Like, there's no profit?

gellaho

He told his younger brother he's a thief to get him to help assassinate a guy\

FancyShark

That's so Curt!

Badgerman

You didn't even forge the wills to get yourselves a cut of their estates?

Freaking amateur hour

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahah sick prank Curt. Did you see what your dumb ass little brother looked like when the cops told him he was being charged with 30 counts of murder?"

gellaho

C'mon, can't give me "dove" and now no snuck?

FancyShark

The biggest prank my stepbrother ever pulled on me was short-sheeting my bed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah it was the best, it took forever to pin all those assassinations on him and his stupid little teen cult idea."

gellaho

This is how people talk

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

My sister and I once convinced my brother he could reinflate a bike tire without a pump if he breathed hard enough.

Badgerman

You have a large body of water you can throw all your murder evidence into and you're setting up a fall guy

Agent of Fortune

Does not compute

FancyShark

"That's right. I'm sending you to outer space."

Badgerman

The Hardy Boys in: This Island Earth

gellaho

Curt seems very dumb

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man this is really needlessly elaborate for a guy who can just sail into international waters, put a slug into an old man, dump his body, and leave the country.

Badgerman

Fuck you, Curt

FancyShark

The international assassin doubts his ability to gauge when someone is dead

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Curt is one of the worst Hardy assassins and that is saying something.

FancyShark

The Assassins are better assassins than this guy, and they're just dipshit terrorists

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I bet Curt doesnt make much money because of his tendency to fuck around.

Badgerman

Who would hire this moron

gellaho

Kevin's enjoying himself

FancyShark

He spends a lot of his income on lotto tickets people have thrown in the trash

Badgerman

Barmet Bay, that classic American place name

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Olaf Stundurksy, owner of Olafs Falafel and Taser emporium, Gramatkees deadly rival!

Olaf has CTE

gellaho

"My brother would also never fall for a desperate story"

Brendan

The business associates are going to be very unsettled if they ask for reports and he's like "Okay, I FINALLY got the ancient cult conspiracy ring established, but I've only clubbed Gramatkee in the ear so far...I'm waiting for two local teen sleuths to show up."

Badgerman

"I would never believe my brother the international hitman would kill anybody!"

Brendan

"What? No, just shoot him from the trees with a rifle."

FancyShark

"We're not paying for any of this, are we?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"wait.........you think Biff is my friend? I hate that guy, he put a pickle in my gas tank last year."

gellaho

OK, wtf, so you can say FBI?

FancyShark

Who hasn't tried to impress their little brother by embracing the mystique of the suave and sexy international thief?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

lmao the Federal Crime Bureau?

gellaho

Noooooo! That lamp was so young!

Badgerman

Jesus, this guy brought a .32?

FancyShark

Props to the writer for getting near a joke

Badgerman

He's not serious about any of this professional killer bullshit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kevin..........you stupid fuck. The ONE person in your life who absolutely cannot be trusted is your brother, everyone with a brother knows this.

gellaho

I think the word "fat" has appeared 50 times. Whether or not it made any sense

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

My brother used to steal my jeans and once sold my copy of Suikoden 2 for drug money, you think you should trust that?!

Badgerman

Ghostwriter was really into body shaming inanimate objects

Agent of Fortune

That's not how bullets work

Badgerman

shielJ

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Damn that chair is thicc if it can stop a nine mil.

at that range.

Badgerman

The bullet got lost in the padding and was too proud to stop and ask for directions

gellaho

Well, that's a first. A Hardy attempting to kill

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

old man Gramatkee has some good taste in chairs.

Brendan

He could have just had the bullet glance. Bullets do weird stuff sometimes!

FancyShark

Holy shit, Frank!

Badgerman

Yeah, the Hardy Boys would be shooting blanks, wouldn't they

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah Frank you fuckin NERD, the one time you pull a trigger its empty.

FancyShark

He can't even get a gun hot

Badgerman

No wonder Callie pretends not to notice them

gellaho

So many fat armchairs

Badgerman

SIX armchairs???????

On a BOAT????

FancyShark

"Aw nuts. Can't kill a man, I guess."

FancyShark

YOU FOOL! THE BOAT IS NOTHING BUT CHAIRS!

<sinks>

Badgerman

Great, he said to himself without quotation marks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jesus how big is this fuckin boat if it has a full library?!

gellaho

Getting knocked out turned Biff into an old-timey pugilist

FancyShark

"Have at you!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gramatkee sold a fuckton of keys for this puppy.

Badgerman

"Take this, scallywag!"

FancyShark

"Uncouth ruffian!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I wonder if Biff will wrestle Curt overboard or Curt will shoot Biff in the tummy?

gellaho

But who was fall?

Badgerman

Dived*

Wait. No

FancyShark

Doven

Badgerman

Now I'm confused

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Diven.

FancyShark

Deeved

gellaho

Curt was fall. And I guess Joe sees what Frank sees now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Dorved.

gellaho

Yes, they did say dived again

Like they're mocking me

Badgerman

God damn it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Curt you failed to kill TWO TEENS, with a gun. You need to retire.

FancyShark

"Hahaha, guess the Curt's in the water this time!"

"That doesn't make any sense! Help me!"

FancyShark

It was only a matter of time before these books became aware of you

1000 Space GDCs

Man I get distracted by Jeopardy for a minute and now I'm lost.

gellaho

Branderses

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Curts in the cradle and a silver spoon, little boy blue......"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND HELP KEVIN!"

Hahaha no they wont, Curt.

Badgerman

Branders & Branders, the personal injury facilitators. Call today

FancyShark

"One of those idiots will think it's a sandwich. We're fine."

Badgerman

Better Squirt Curt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Neither of the Hardy boys has any kind of marksmanship, its a pistol. And a nine millimeter, you're probably good.

gellaho

Kevin's having a moment

gellaho

Set the boat afire

FancyShark

That's rough. I remember when I found out Santa wasn't a hitman, too.

Badgerman

We must RAM THE YACHT WITH FIRE

gellaho

We say ablaze in this country, sir. It's much cooler, it has a z in it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah you dumb ass. Remember that time I farted in your Cheerios? And remember that time I told you bugs taste like chocolate? Why do you believe me?"

Rachel

Dousing things with gasoline has never failed before!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You came back! Huzzah!

Badgerman

This fucking guy plans assassinations like Francis Drake fights the Spanish Armada

1000 Space GDCs

I hope they remembered to get rid of the fire extinguishers this time.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The Phantom Zone cannot hold Rachel!

gellaho

I mean, you might as well go "Branderses's" at this point

Rachel

Ehh this boat fire can't be stopped! Where would they possibly get enough water??

Badgerman

They're escaping to international waters with a gimp. That can't be good

FancyShark

You tell us, writer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

A wet gimp.

1000 Space GDCs

The various spellings of branderses's is an indication of how much editors give a shit about this book.

gellaho

Now everyone gets wet

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah yeah, Fuck you, Joe.

Enjoy visiting Poseidon.

gellaho

Joe is allergic to air

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yessss swallow the sea water, Joe.

FancyShark

Joe's breathing lessons were showing their flaws

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Succumb and embrace our Dark Mother, the Ocean.

1000 Space GDCs

Joe is unusually non bouyant

gellaho

You are a weird guy, ghostwriter

Badgerman

Good thing I took that underwater basket weaving class!

FancyShark

His brain is cement

Rachel

I'm pulling for Dagon

FancyShark

oh gross. The writer's getting off on this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

RETURN TO THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE JOE!

gellaho

Very bizarre

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It only hurts at first.

FancyShark

Yes, whale songs do remind people of drowning. This all tracks.

Badgerman

Buddy, we have kinktober for this shit

gellaho

It's your boy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God he better not get rescued by a dolphin.

FancyShark

YES!

GO!

FEAST ON THE IMMORTAL!

Rachel

As joe suffocates, the last thing he hears is the gentle cry of a nearby lobster

"kiss the girl"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

DEVOUR THE LAND MAMMAL! WOLVES OF THE SEA!

FancyShark

I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THAT'S A DOLPHIN

gellaho

Passing out for the third time today

gellaho

Just Kevin

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Aw its fuckin Kevin.

You asshole.

FancyShark

KEVINS ARE THE DOLPHINS OF THE LAND! DAMMIT!

Badgerman

This dude's brain must be deflated balloon ribbons by now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I wanted Joe to be eaten by sharks and pooped out for all the little poop eating fishes to eat.

Rachel

"Ughhh now i have to tell people i was rescued by kevin? You should have let me drown asshole."

"In fact, throw me back in. Dolphin or bust."

gellaho

Frank wanted to make sure they were dead before he got the least bit wet

Rachel

Correct, yes, nothing has changed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You're........still........a huge dork Kevin..............I'm cough not sorry splutter I peed on your Dungeon Master's Guide."

FancyShark

Can't let the circuitry get wet

gellaho

Look at Mr Fancypants with his thesaurus

FancyShark

This is probably the same dilemma Frank had when they were kids and Joe took a bath

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh.........what was that Kevin? Murderersbrothersayswhat?"

FancyShark

Brooke-ass ghost writing mofo

Badgerman

That's not seawater, he just forgot to go before he left shore

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

So is Frank going to beat Kevin to death with a marlinespike or not?

gellaho

I guess it's good that we already know that Biff's there and radioed for help already

gellaho

I mean, I do

I skipped that because radioing for help is boring

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"huge" firebomb.

Rachel

warning y'all I'm unsobering

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Because its a launch.

FancyShark

Might as well kill a man in the most conspicuous manner possible

Rachel

truly legendary hitman stuff

1000 Space GDCs

I ran to a bar 2 hours ago for that purpose.

Badgerman

Biff stays at his post to warn the mainland til the bitter end. The Vince Coleman of Bayport, they called him at the memorial

Rachel

he trained under putin

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Leon the Professional had a scene like this.

FancyShark

To be fair, that's how I play Hitman

gellaho

Kevin's looking to end it all

Badgerman

You don't just knock everyone out with spaghetti cans?

1000 Space GDCs

Joe thinks that today is a good day to die.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Personally I like to poison people.

Rachel

see this is why i rely on good old fashioned knives and poison

ALLEGEDLY

FancyShark

Frank can't believe these idiots wouldn't use a knife

Badgerman

"Suppose we ram him"

"That would kill us"

"Only if we die"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God Curt is just the worst assassin.

FancyShark

Joe learned everything from Con Air

gellaho

This ghostwriter is just going to use every type of plural and possessive he can

FancyShark

The hit man

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He should try Brandersez, because its got a z and that makes it 90s as fuck.

Badgerman

It's been two words the whole book and it lowkey pisses me off

Rachel

Yeah me too

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

But not Branderzez, because that makes it ZZ Topp as fuck.

gellaho

Well then

FancyShark

I'm assuming if he uses the same version of Branders more than once, it summons the demon to drag him back to hell?

Rachel

It should be the hit-man roll

Rachel

Im trying hon

1000 Space GDCs

Brandon Sanders'ssons's

FancyShark

Curt died as he lived: a complete failure of an assassin

Rachel

angry javo noises

gellaho

I bet the kids had a great time reading this

gellaho

Had a great night's sleep

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah after getting foiled by the fucking Hardy boys, I would just stay on board my exploding boat and let Death take me.

FancyShark

"I hope you liked that Hardy Boys book I got you for your birthday!"

Rachel

In my head he delivers tha line like kevin costner in waterworld mourning his boat

Badgerman

Boy, we solved the shit out of this mystery

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean you should have found at least BITS of him.

FancyShark

Nope. Dolphins.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Theres bound to be one playing with his severed head like a ball.

gellaho

"Chuffing?" Eat a dick, you limey bastard

1000 Space GDCs

Frank called off the search after 30 seconds, because he was hungry

Rachel

that helicopter is just chuffed to make it into the novel

Badgerman

"Splashing", that classic spotlight sound

FancyShark

Jamming their cameras and mikes into any opening they could find

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, ghostwriter, the only things that chuff in Gods America are the tigers we keep illegally.

gellaho

"This is the third explosion which yanked me from slumber"

FancyShark

"Frank bubbled his way down the block, dancing and gargling with concentration"

Rachel

then the two television crews fought like in the hit film anchorman

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man if only someone hucked a trident in this book.

Badgerman

This dialogue is fucking transcendent

FancyShark

"I should have known an idiot died tonight"

gellaho

There's Frank the sociopath

gellaho

Kevin just behind him, sobbing

Rachel

"I'm gonna sleep soundly from here on out," said Con, drawing his gun on the boys.

Badgerman

Hooey, I say. Hooey!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah to be fair, international assassins in the process of doing a murder dont really count for public safety concerns in terms of "keep casualties low."

FancyShark

"I mean, there's not enough left to call him a person anymore"

Rachel

No one who growls has ever said Hooey.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Balderdash is more of a growly word.

gellaho

And on which side is the one called Kevin?

Badgerman

His own, mostly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What? Oh he was just doing pranks. Like arson and kidnapping. No big deal there, right, officer?"

Rachel

"This police shit is hard. Teenage boys, do i give this son of a bitch a medal or a bullet?"

gellaho

I foresee fines

1000 Space GDCs

Constantine Riley just wants teens to do his job for him.

FancyShark

"Depends. He seems to support anyone he thinks is a thief"

Badgerman

Conbaby really peering into the crystal ball for this one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bayport PD is really ahead of their time with defunding their police department, since two teen boys seem to solve all the crimes. Officer Con probably just does paperwork.

Rachel

Conneticut Riley is the worst fortune teller in Kirkland.

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's only half Irish after all.

FancyShark

Aunt Gertrude is a gorgon

Rachel

Annnnnnd freezeframe

Badgerman

🎺 Brrrradada-dada-da! 🎵

gellaho

We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #30: The Deadliest Dare

Badgerman

<iris wipe gets caught around Joe's neck>

FancyShark

We did it!

1000 Space GDCs

Aunt Gertrude's solution for everything is cod liver oil.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If the manga is any indication Aunt Gertrude has what my grandpappy would call "A body made for sin."

Rachel

I want to thank gellaho

gellaho

So concludes the 77th Edition of The Book Cage

1000 Space GDCs

Thanks everyone, as usual.

Rachel

And to a slightly lesser extent, all of you other lovely folks and animals

FancyShark

Thank you everyone!

Great riffs, all!

Rachel

A pleasure as always

Badgerman

Great way to end the week, gang!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Good way to spend a Friday night.

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

I can't wait to hear all of your chapters for Hardyween!

Rachel

Remember to have your Hardy's spayed and/or neutered.

1000 Space GDCs

Thanks to everyone condemning this book to book jail.

FancyShark

And if you see a Callie, just remember she's as scared of you as you are of her

Agent of Fortune

Thanks Gellaho!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wear gloves and wash your hands while handling a wild Callie, they dont carry rabies but are prone to ticks and fleas.

Badgerman

The Hardies have names.