77: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #30: The Deadliest Dare Franklin W. Dixon

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah what kind of goober pranks a museum tho?

FancyShark

An art gallery. It's a nerd turf war

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's performance art! Its Kaufmanesque!"

gellaho

You know those conversations you have about conversations you just had, but in reverse

FancyShark

The museum retaliates by placing arms on the Venus de Milo

Rachel

it's purple hair girl isnt it

Agent of Fortune

Oh they admit frank is a robot

That's refreshing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Probably the voice belonged to one of the denatured Callies who escaped the resyk facility.

Bayport is full of them, because the "resyk facility" is Fentons shed and a crowbar.

FancyShark

Callie Omega. She can't die. Nor can they get her to remain in her cell for more than a few weeks before she finds a way to claw out.

1000 Space GDCs

She's who all the other Callies are spawned from

gellaho

This is how high schoolers talked in the eighties. Like people who were alive when the flashlight was invented.

Badgerman

Quantum Callie. With the power of quantum immortality

Fucking Mystery Inc ass dialogue

1000 Space GDCs

The hardys have a hard time distinguishing between a prank and a heist

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

knoll.....trees......grass.....grassy knoll..........THE HARDY BOYS SHOT KENNEDY!?

FancyShark

Meanwhile, the gnoll ducks back behind a tree before anyone can clarify

LyraV

As long as one of them gets nearly garroted to death I'm happy.

Agent of Fortune

We could probably crowd source write one of these books by now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The famous Bayport Knoll Gnoll.

gellaho

Kids love the cupola perch

Rachel

as long as there isn't a gazebo

FancyShark

It photobombs all the monster hunter shows

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nearby is a kiosk that sells Bayport Knoll Gnoll Rolls.

FancyShark

Kids love a flapping back-

no

LyraV

I feel like HotDog Hardy Adventures would get dark real quick.

1000 Space GDCs

This museum is in terrible condition

gellaho

Clicking on his flash

Agent of Fortune

Excellent restraint, Shark

Agent of Fortune

Page one paragraph one sentence one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Motherfuckers wipe your feet before you vandalize a historical site!

gellaho

What're you talking about, it looks mint

FancyShark

Is good. Like new. You buy. Make offer.

Agent of Fortune

Mint in box

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ah to see Hiram Hickersons Hickory Hickey Hut fall so low.

People told ol Hiram "You cant build a house out of hickory wood." and "This is a swamp." and "Please stop sending us letters."

gellaho

Just once, for me, write "dove"

FancyShark

And "We're an ice cream shop"

gellaho

Oh, right, fire

Badgerman

This is what it sounds like, when dives cry

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

and "Nobody wants hickory flavored ice cream.":

Hahahah arson is a sick prank bro.

FancyShark

The fire's out of shape, so it's not climbing that fast, but still, scary

Badgerman

This whole fuckin loser town is getting pranked so fuckin hard dude

gellaho

Good thing they left the extinguishers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahaha did you see the look on Franks face when he saw we set the house on fire? Total classic prank, Gormley."

Brendan

Luring the Hardys to an agonizing death was a pretty good prank.

FancyShark

There were pranks in the movie Dirty Work that were less lethal than this

Badgerman

There were pranks in Revenge of the Nerds that were more legal than this

gellaho

And what a crisis it was

FancyShark

There were pranks in Saw that were better than this

Rachel

Well, i thought it was funny.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is pretty close to being a remake of Fistful of Dollars, all we need is for people to gun down Frank and Joe as they leave the burning house.

Agent of Fortune

They'd survive unfortunately

FancyShark

"I guess furniture does that," the Hardys thought, leaving without further comment.

Badgerman

We can dream

Badgerman

Yeah, in an age where everything is made out of asbestos, this should be mad sus

Brendan

For a Few Callies More

gellaho

Joe was hopeful because... reasons

Agent of Fortune

Venture Brothers really wasn't much of an exaggeration

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Someone is gonna collect a ton of the insurance money. Bayport must be the insurance fraud capital of the world by now.

Badgerman

Oh fuck, it's the cops. This is gonna be a remake of Dollars

Brendan

At what point do the Hardys become suspects?

1000 Space GDCs

A cop named Con?

FancyShark

Con Riley? Have we been sitting on such a great name this whole time?

Rachel

It is a little on the nose

Badgerman

That's nothing, I knew a con artist named Copper once

Brendan

Amateur sleuths never get suspected but the volunteer firefighters do?

FancyShark

When they are actively stabbing the police in a courthouse

gellaho

Classic seventeen year old talk

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His brother Pro Riley is a baker in San Francisco who makes artisanal dog treats.

Badgerman

Crassus really gave the whole practice a bad name

Agent of Fortune

And his buddy Con Edison

Brendan

Classic rich white kids.

gellaho

He's appeared a lot

1000 Space GDCs

Con's full name is Constantinople. He wants to get it changed to Istanbul, though

Brendan

Why'd he change it?

FancyShark

I guess I forgot his first name

Badgerman

That's nobody's business but the Turks'

Agent of Fortune

It's nobody's business but the turks

Rachel

pffft that's so silly

Badgerman

Scooped ya

FancyShark

That's nobodies-

SCOOPED

Agent of Fortune

Damn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Con Riley gets a lot of shit when he flies the PD helicopter, the dispatcher wont answer him until he refers to it as "Con Air."

Rachel

As if a real person would have a last name like "Riley"

Brendan

In Bayport everyone Italian or darker gets called a Turk.

Badgerman

oh baby, the double scoop

Badgerman

Officer Con Baby

Rachel

I'd watch that movie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I say, Joe, those bally Turks are at it again!"

Agent of Fortune

If your family didn't come over on the mayflower you're not a real Bayportian

FancyShark

"Next thing you know, the whole bloody town's going to be crawling with Huns"

Brendan

Mayflower? Those half-humans kicked out of England for not being Anglican?

Rachel

Send those Huns back to Hunsberg

gellaho

Con makes them leave. This writer has fully given up on the boy detective thing

Agent of Fortune

Wrestling entrance theme lyrics

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Show Jerry and his ruddy Kaiser what for, pip pip."

FancyShark

Joe's reading a pamphlet he sees on the ground

Rachel

poor joe, his vigilanteism isnt being enabled for once.

LyraV

You've been playing too much Bioshock Infinite Joe, take a break.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shut the fuck up, Joe.

Nobody has tried to kill you with a gun yet.

1000 Space GDCs

Joe heard the word unsung for the first time this week and has been dying for a chance to use it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And no elephants have been machine gunned.

This is just about as good as it gets.

FancyShark

"They'll look up and shout 'save us!' And I'll look down and whisper 'let's go get a pizza'"

gellaho

Kids love paisley

Agent of Fortune

A CLUE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Paisley SILK so you know its posh.

Brendan

Frank's Diary: Oct. 8, 1989: Bayport is afraid of me. This city has seen my true face.

gellaho

Pranksters love insignias

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Dashitall, Joe! The games afoot! FOR GOD AND ST. GEORGE!"

FancyShark

"Lost another Callie. Hrm."

Agent of Fortune

Hot dog Hardy Boys DID get dark immediately

Rachel

This is some jack chick shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"After you burn down the museum, we will play D&D."

Rachel

elfstar! Nooooooo!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And there will be a potluck dinner!"

1000 Space GDCs

These people are just trying to film a reality tv show and the hardys keep ruining the challenges

Brendan

Hickson Clock Co. failed for a reason.

FancyShark

PRANKS: Are Your Children Caught Up in the Hip New Fad?

gellaho

Chez Maurice speaks of the pompatus of love

Badgerman

The best criminal conspiracies circulate evidence of their crimes on physical media

Brendan

The only ghost hunter show I want to watch is the Hardys barging in constantly.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank is so defensive about his horniness for paper.

Brendan

I mean it worked for the Illuminati and airports.

gellaho

We really need to get you better points of reference

Rachel

I live in filth 😄

Badgerman

To be fair Chick Tracks rule. Not in the way he intended. But they do rule

Rip to a legend

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They're hilarious.

Best part of shitting in a public bathroom is finding one.

Agent of Fortune

Pour one out for a real one

Rachel

rest in piss jack

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or was when you could find one in the wild.

gellaho

Can't decide on the spelling of hot(-) dog

FancyShark

"Chez Maurice" serves only the finest aerosol dairy products

Rachel

Hot-dog roll, just like americans always call it

Badgerman

It's "hot dog bun" you fucking heathen

FancyShark

Best Wurst is a good name though

Brendan

Wait, what do you call it?

1000 Space GDCs

pigs in a blanket?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"By George, Joe those dashed ducks are giving each other the business over your American Style Sausage Roll."

FancyShark

"Grain pocket"

Brendan

I'm going to have to consult Brockway's Canadian Grain Superheroes article.

gellaho

What is this, fucking Great Expectations?

Rachel

I cant tell you all our secrets Brendan

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If you put salsa on a hotdog with a rye bun its called "The Devils Meatus."

Because of the rye.

Badgerman

I never knew that a book could be eurojank until now

FancyShark

"Prithee, fair fellows. Might I speak with you about the confoundments of the age?"

Rachel

"I suggest for a proper gift you try this beautiful plank of wood with nails."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe "Considerable wealth" Hardy.

1000 Space GDCs

The saleswoman makes a point to rob Joe later

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe would, and thats why he doesnt have a girlfriend. Everyone knows you buy a proper lady a fancy flanged mace as a token of courtship.

FancyShark

Halberd if she puts out

Rachel

Personally i accept all kinds of whips and scourges as well, but I'm a very progressive and modern woman.

gellaho

This bit goes on for a while

Badgerman

True gentlemen would forge their own.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Polearms are for peasants, its improper to give one to a lady. The symbolism alone will give her the vapors.

Badgerman

The whoopee powder cut off oxygen flow to his brain. Gave him amnesia. Doesn't even remember he's American. Very sad

FancyShark

There are two chain-smoking, hardboiled detectives watching this whole sting operation from a van absolutely refusing to believe this shit

1000 Space GDCs

This lady regularly deals with creeps looking to buy stuff for their stalking victims, she's used to this kind of behavior

gellaho

Next time, let's start with the part about how Joe knows her. Otherwise it just sounds like he stalked her until the end of the paragraph

Rachel

Joe is so smooth. Well, his brain is.

Agent of Fortune

Biff

Rachel

Biff Hooper?

Badgerman

Good ol Biff

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He'd get told "Buy her a mace." and would give her some crude iron ball on a stick.

FancyShark

Biff Hooper isn't his real name. It's just the closest thing to words he's been able to say.

Badgerman

Do you think he knows Plurge Gobbo

LyraV

He's simply terrible at making casks.

1000 Space GDCs

His full name is Biffery.

Rachel

"Knows" is a strong word for Biff

Agent of Fortune

These are all such fifties names

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah Biffellthorpe Reinbach Hooper III, his dad runs a barrel factory, Hoopers Coopers.

gellaho

Little rich girl

FancyShark

Family forever shamed by the "snuff incident"

Badgerman

Most of this manuscript was sitting on a shelf in Derry for like twelve years until the right bits of Hardy Boys could be grafted onto a genteel young adult romance

gellaho

Sure, end with how he's bald. That's the important thing

Rachel

Hm, i never heard of an antiques store with a business van. Do they do delivery?

Badgerman

The butler did it!

Agent of Fortune

They deliver PAIN

Rachel

If we're not there in thirty minutes, this authentic 18th century Tuscan lamp is free!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha they have an actual butler lol.

Badgerman

I don't know how yet. But I'm sure it's real clever.

FancyShark

"Hey, dude? Can I get a soda?"

Badgerman

He's putting on a good act of being dead. But I'm onto him.

1000 Space GDCs

There's a trail of blood leading from the conservatory, where Joe finds a bent candlestick on the floor

FancyShark

"Dude?"

gellaho

Definitely foreign. No American has ever used that meaning of clout

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Theyve gone and laid low the bally SERVANTS! Now how will we have tea?!"

FancyShark

"Blimey, this is all manner of bother"

Brendan

Joe holding his own against Sagat.

1000 Space GDCs

Joe's first head injury of the night!

Badgerman

If you drop the C from "blinding clout" you get Jared Leto's pasty ass standing in full sunlight

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Beat 👏 Joe 👏 to death 👏 with sticks! 👏

Brendan

I thought Mark Wahlberg was the lout who blinds.

Agent of Fortune

Joe's brain is basically a giant bruise at this point

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Antique sticks!

gellaho

The tweens really enjoyed reading about Joe's spasms of pain

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Possibly a fine Irish blackthorne shillelagh.

FancyShark

That stick's life is flashing before it

Badgerman

Joe has a stroke. For the kids!

gellaho

Have fun children

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bane of landlord and yeoman alike.

Rachel

Now this is a gift that would win my heart

Especially if i had an opportunity to crack Joe's skull with it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Noted.

FancyShark

The End?

Badgerman

We're not that lucky

gellaho

Meanwhile: Fat Cat

Badgerman

Great gift idea for Hot Dog Secret Santa, in case anyone's making plans

FancyShark

MEHITABEL

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Joe crashed into the sweet arms of Oblivion. Well, on to the next chapter, kids."

KITTY!

A calico!

FancyShark

TWENTY-EIGHTH DEMON OF SOLOMON AND KEEPER OF THE MIDNIGHT GRIMOIRE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And she chonk!

Badgerman

Why isn't this novel about Mehitabel and her owner solving crimes instead of these end crusts of white bread

FancyShark

oh, wait, no

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Best part of this book so far.

FancyShark

it's a kitty

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And?

Rachel

SHE CAN BE BOTH

Agent of Fortune

CAt

gellaho

Fenton has all the coolest friends

FancyShark

I may have overreacted

LyraV

Kitty definitely has several death metal albums named after her.

Agent of Fortune

That's not how you spell Marshall

FancyShark

Rolling papers, specifically

Rachel

Professor Marschall founded Dunder-Mifflin

Badgerman

Tbh I would be the "uncanny paper knowledge" friend so I can't point any fingers here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

HELLO PORTLAND! WE ARE BLOODDOOM AND THIS IS SKINEATER FROM OUR HIT ALBUM MEHITABEL!

Agent of Fortune

I've heard them

LyraV

Marschall sounds like a sort of fancy ice cream dessert.

Brendan

DeClaire Marschall, professor of law.

gellaho

Oh, fuck. You've gotta settle down, ghostwriter. I don't know if I can handle this level of excitement

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Professor, my brother Joe says I have a paper mill in my butt. What does he mean by that? I dont understand him at all."

Rachel

oh ive heard them

Brendan

Professor Marschall whistled inappropriately at a passing coed.

Badgerman

This dude fucking collected paper like Home Depot carpet samples and/or infinity stones

Rachel

Th professor fucking hates frank

Brendan

The soil in this sample could ONLY have come from the Mansion's east bank.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Leaving Professor Marschall was a very weird breakup movie. Had Mila Kunis tho so it wasnt all bad.

gellaho

Everything is a ruin

FancyShark

Darkest Dungeon takes place in Bayport

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man if some dickhead teen came into my office demanding my paper expertise I would bore him to death. Alot like this.

Badgerman

Ruin has come to our — fuck

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I too, flee wailing down the darkened corridors of academia.

gellaho

Ruins are well known for their paper hoards

gellaho

And for being 25 years old

FancyShark

That was the original draft before they demanded more narration

Badgerman

Wayne fell off his chair

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Locked desks being notorious for being proof against moisture and stuff.

Also I didnt go to college, is it normal for such institutions to have their own special type of paper?

Badgerman

Hey man, they lasted just fine in Fallout

FancyShark

"Won't let me write my steamy Victorian romance novel, huh? Fine. I'll give you pages. I'll give you pages for days."

gellaho

Somebody really wants that paper

gellaho

Badgerman

I didn't go to a college that had its own bespoke paper stock but they sure charged me like the did