77: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #30: The Deadliest Dare Franklin W. Dixon

Rachel

mood

FancyShark

Won't someone please take dat paper?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

T-MONEY!

Badgerman

A teenager! KILL IT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

COUNTING IT WITH HIS TONGUE!

Oh shit I blacked out there for a second and channeled Hambone.

FancyShark

Frank, I'm pretty sure the next bullet is coming from a gun

Badgerman

IT TOOK A DOUBLE PUMP TO GET HIM OUT OF THE BURNING RUIN

Rachel

interesting theory

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This isnt even related to the case, the residents of Bayport just really like shooting at each other while driving.

gellaho

JOE HUNGERS

Badgerman

Shit, when's the next Battle Dome watch party

FancyShark

There are subtle clues

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lucky and Wild is Bayports most popular arcade game.

FancyShark

Next week

Badgerman

Thought the narration was calling the hot dog beautiful

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe tells time by hotdogs in his stomach.

FancyShark

Joe ate an actual dog. Joe thought it was sexy.

Rachel

Downtown kirkland hot dogs decompose at very predictable speeds

Unlike downtown kirkland hot-dogs, which have highly unpredictable rolls

John, a mustache and a headband

Amazing he's been kidnapped so often his first thought is the time.

FancyShark

1000 Space GDCs

Joe really takes being knocked out and kidnapped in stride.

Badgerman

Foreshadowing

Agent of Fortune

Fell asleep did I miss anything

FancyShark

Mostly paper

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And he woke up next to the mutilated corpse of someone named Venus! Some crazy motherfucker put a clock in her!

1000 Space GDCs

I had to walk to a bar, I missed some stuff too.

gellaho

Joe spends a couple of pages getting out of the chair. Then runs into Jeanne

Brendan

I love Hardy weeks so much.

FancyShark

We still haven't hit our redhead quota

Badgerman

Joe noticed she wasn't tied, the kinky bastard

Brendan

Jeanne Sinclair, Lady Consort

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, Joe. I smashed your skull in because you came into my house without permission, unannounced."

Brendan

This is my parlour loveseat, Joe. You are trespassing.

gellaho

Now Joe's in some kind of death trap

Rachel

Mmm. I need a boyfriend.

FancyShark

"Jeanne Sinclair. I might've known."

"Joe, this is my house."

Rachel

A durable one this time.

Badgerman

"The room will begin flooding with poison gas unless you solve my riddle."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"The door is made solid steel and locked. Now lift up your shirt Joe. I sewed the key inside you. There's a knife on the side table. LET THE GAME BEGIN!"

Brendan

Joe thought for a minute, then charged headfirst through the drywall around the steel.

FancyShark

Joe proceeds to chew on the doorknob

Rachel

Mmm. I need a boyfriend.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Frank had some banter with himself

Badgerman

"May" is being optimistic

Rachel

note that he's zooming past regular trees.

Not big, old trees

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's just like Frank to 1) be driving Callies car during being shot at, and 2) not have his own goddam gun.

1000 Space GDCs

As in, he's giving them permission?

Badgerman

As in the gunmen may kill him before the killer trees do

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also how does her car not have armor plates and bulletproof glass?

Rachel

Yeah, i thought this was america!

Shouldn't the teens all have guns?

gellaho

Frank runs out of the car into the forest, and the people just kind of leave

FancyShark

"The pitter-patter of hot lead told me that Callie was gonna be in a tizzy when I next saw her, assuming the mooks on my tail didn't relocate me to a new bed six feet underground"

gellaho

He goes home

Badgerman

Oh thank god. I was worried there would be stakes

Brendan

Hardy Boys in SIN CITY: THAT PURPLE LESBO

Rachel

Frank hasnt eaten anything in hours, call the hospital!

Brendan

wait, is lesbo hate speech yet or is that just slang

Badgerman

Aunt Gertrude came carrying a ham sandwich on a plate. Not rawdogging it like some kind of degenerate

Rachel

Ill give you a pass this time.

Brendan

Seriously? I'm sorry if it is.

gellaho

Why even bother writing this

1000 Space GDCs

Aunt Gertrude's dementia has progressed far enough that she doesn't remember Joe anymore.

Brendan

I need to know, this stuff is in motion always.

Agent of Fortune

Ah hell my parents are here

Badgerman

Oh fuck, he hasn't eaten and now darkness is closing in. My man has hypoglycemia

Rachel

haha no it's fine sweetie it's a very mild, jocular term

FancyShark

How about SIN CITY: A DAME TO CHET FOR

Rachel

Sorry for teasing you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh yeah thanks for returning my car IN EXCELLENT CONDITION Frank."

Brendan

Tease always, just let me know if I'm wandering into scorched backtrail.

1000 Space GDCs

Better condition than usual, to be fair.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This Callie is just a tad passive aggressive.

Rachel

Will do

FancyShark

Callie's happy she doesn't have to hose the remains of another Callie out of the interior this time

Badgerman

"Is he in trouble?"

"Well, it's Joe, so"

1000 Space GDCs

Usually when a Hardy borrows her car she immediately picks up a new issue of auto trader.

Rachel

Callie's insurance bill is astronomical

FancyShark

Her credit score is just a poo emoji

Badgerman

She should just invest in a Pinto, let that problem finally solve itself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I mean I dont CARE if he's in trouble. It's just a hassle to start the decantation process and who wants to start that if the old one isnt expired yet? Talk about awkward."

gellaho

Frank arrives at an old building, again

1000 Space GDCs

Her insurance company stopped covering acts of Hardy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bayports insurance industry is basically nonexistent.

Badgerman

Are any of these spooky haunted houses actually going to be haunted

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They have to get a federal subsidy just to have a bank in city limits.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Course not. The only ghosts around the Hardy Boys are the ghosts of exploded girlfriends.

gellaho

Seems like these pranksters might also be swingers

FancyShark

For the ultimate prank, we enslaved the souls of the dead to make spooky noises while we charge bored suburbanites $5 a person to shuffle through our deathtrap of a house

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Good luck haunting a car when Joe has its scorched remains crushed into a cube.

Badgerman

What is this, a goldfish seance club?

FancyShark

"It's saying something!......................'glub'?"

Ozzie

Their logo is a billiard ball?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I TOLD you guys to use washable paint! Now the principal wont let us have our LARP here again!"

1000 Space GDCs

That place looks horrifying under black light.

gellaho

Just like Kevin, forgetting the ceremonial candles

FancyShark

"And you're sure this is how we lose our virginity?"

"Yes, dumbass. It says so right here in the DMG."

FancyShark

You'd never think a blacklight could catch fire

Badgerman

"You forgot our special ceremonial incense again, Biiiiff! 😩"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"NO YOU GET SOME BIFF! I'm the High Wizard, you're just the Exalted Magician, its your job this time."

FancyShark

That's so Kevin!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Did you even bring the Doritos and Mt. Dew, KEVIN?!"

gellaho

Typical candle tiff

FancyShark

"NUH UH! I BROUGHT THE TABLE SO IT'S MY TURN TO BE THE WIZARD!"

1000 Space GDCs

So many cults have broken up over stupid candle fights.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Look, just because I sent Gormley "Pussy Hound" Chalmers over to her house to tell her to keep her mouth shut, doesnt mean I'm responsible for what may or may not have happened, BIFF."

FancyShark

Parents, talk to your kids about candles before someone else does.

Badgerman

"It's VITALLY IMPORTANT that our Yankee Candle shipments be kept in our criminal storeroom 😤"

Rachel

If they dont keep it down Kevin's mom is going to have to come down there.

Brendan

Are they still writing Hardy novels? Is it in that grunting the kids call slang?

gellaho

Biff seems to have joined this group without knowing anything about it

Badgerman

In fairness that's how most people end up in DnD circles

Rachel

Biff is the High Wizard of Exposition

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Biff is asking a lot of questions for a guy in a Circle.

Brendan

"females don't want a real man, they just want a cuck to pay their bills," said Chet.

"based AF" chuckled Joe.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its like Biff doesnt understand what he's here for.

Brendan

Hi, I am the future, now and forever. I will always be young and I am not a cranky old man right now.

gellaho

The one they call Kevin

Agent of Fortune

Fucking amateurs

Badgerman

Kevin Branders, that consumerist pig

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"If it WAS Kevin Branders, then Frank would ambush him with a sock full of gravel."

1000 Space GDCs

The earth-man you call 'Kevin'.

Rachel

He's here as a blood sarifice to Ba'al. Which he will later admit is a pretty great prank.

gellaho

Third gun pull

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"If not, Frank would just slash his tires."

FancyShark

"I decided to tail the one called Kevin. He was clearly the only brain in this little scholar's club."

Brendan

It's going to go ugly when the other prisoners find out the Crimson Council of 12 gang was sent upriver by two HS seniors.

Badgerman

"Hold it right there, son", as he's dangling from a ledge

Not like he can do fucking anything else

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ba'al: "Oh ho ho ho! You really got me this time, Kevin. You pranked me good, this guy was supposed to go to Moloch."

FancyShark

"Kevin, you are the best!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"This is better than that time you had a herd of sacrificial goats delivered to the Baptist church on fifth street."

gellaho

Meanwhile: Joe gets some exposition

FancyShark

"Or that time I put holy water in your-"

"We don't talk about that, Kevin."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Honestly, I just joined this Circle to fuck nerds, but the losers just kept putting arson in the bowl."

Badgerman

Oh, so it's all just a hilarious misunderstanding that built up to mass murder plots

Brendan

Nah, Ba'al only accepts child sacrifice. Hardys are canonically 18 to rent cars and stuff.

FancyShark

Jeanne set this all up as an elaborate way to tell Joe to not talk to her

Rachel

Hence, prank

gellaho

Classic Kevin

Rachel

Keep up ya lesbo

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah but they've been held back more than a little bit, so all the kids they know are 16.

Brendan

Oh man, if I were that cool.

Badgerman

Kevin is the cult leader personality type. This shit just kind of happens with him

LyraV

He's always hosting late night cult orgies, Oh Kevin you scoundrel.

Rachel

Well who hasnt done that a few dozen times?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuckin KEVINS always having the worst cult orgies.

FancyShark

Kevin's college transcript is metal as fuck

Badgerman

Not for lack of trying, I assure you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They never have enough hydration.

And the balance is all off.

1000 Space GDCs

Jeanne got creeped out when Kevin kept putting pranks in the bowl that said 'show me ur boobs'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And you dont even get a quality statue of Baphomet with the big ol tonker.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean anything to anyone, Jeanne

Badgerman

Only Biff took him up on it, oddly

FancyShark

Kevin's dog keeps telling people to kill the innocent. Or it wants beggin' strips. It's hard to tell.

Badgerman

Gramatkee's not a name, it's a borked Scrabble hand

LyraV

A real common behavioral issue

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Kevin this idol of Baphomet is paper mache! Who would be able to fuck this? It will crumble the first time! You suck."

gellaho

Pullovers are very intimidating

Rachel

I gotta disappear, i love y'all!

Badgerman

Sweet James Bond cosplay, dickhead

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

International assassin and teen cult member?

FancyShark

Take care, Rachel!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Watch out for the teen cultists!

Agent of Fortune

SURPRISE

LyraV

have fun!

gellaho

Curt has the thinnest lips in the business

Badgerman

Check under your tires for board with nails in!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man you are obviously going to kill him later, Curt.

Just shoot him NOW.

Badgerman

Curt's got Kenneth Branagh lips

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Your car seat will wash.

FancyShark

Curt can't even sip without spilling his drink. That's how thin his lips are.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hes an international assassin because Bayports insurance collapse has made cosmetic surgery too expensive, so he cant get the plump ass lips he's always dreamed of.

gellaho

Meanwhile: Frank is accosted by Droopy Mustache

Badgerman

He was almost completely bald except for his hair and mustache.

Normal human man

1000 Space GDCs

Is the caliber of the guns relevant information here?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is really weird, I genuinely hope that these two adult men arent in a teen prank cult.

gellaho

It goes well

FancyShark

So far, this is all a classic Fenton prank

Badgerman

This stupid asshole did a Jedi front flip and landed straight into a gun barrel. Fuck you, Frank.

Brendan

"Here? In the men's room stall?"

1000 Space GDCs

Frank pulls off a surprisingly effective elbow drop.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Droopy Mustache pulls off his disguise and its Fenton.

FancyShark

"Gotcha, son!"

Brendan

You know, this was in fact the proper reserve of the exclamation point.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahaha, Son. You need to be more careful, what if this had been a real scenario where your dad sets up an elaborate cult and is about to shoot you in the face?"

gellaho

Joe escapes his chair. Again.

FancyShark

"So, Mr. Sittles. We meet again."

"Joe, are you talking to the chair?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe........its called a haymaker.

You fucking NERD.

gellaho

Big Automatic Thump is the name of my funk band

Badgerman

He "circled down on him" with a punch

What, was it fucking tracking him?

Did he make HEAT lock on the dude before throwing out that roundhouse?

FancyShark

"Which is sad, because Frank was trying to dive out the window."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man how bad a gunman do you have to be to miss when your gun is pressed against the forehead?!

FancyShark

At some point, you're better off hoping for an accident

Badgerman

Was there even a token "smack the gun hand out of the way" move

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or is all this a fantasy passing thru Frank's brain as it cools on the floor?

gellaho

Back at the house: CONSUME

FancyShark

Remember when this book was about...

what was this about?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

A series of.......slightly out of hand pranks?

Badgerman

"What, you don't think I can stuff my face with these donuts? Fuckin' watch me you weak ass"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe and Frank breaking up a D&D game?

gellaho

You can type Gramatkee as much as you like, I will not accept it

FancyShark

Callie's insurance claim?

Badgerman

Gramatkee sounds like a fucked up Final Fantasy monster

FancyShark

Curt Branders: We'll Label Anything And We'll Be Briefly Rude

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah Willis Gramatkee, of Gramatkees Tchotchkees and Keys.

1000 Space GDCs

Gramatkee sounds like a white person trying to come up with a native American sounding name.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gramatkees Pączkis and Keys was such a dud, people kept choking on the keys.

FancyShark

Gramatkee the Polish Gnome was not a popular book

gellaho

Off to another abandoned building

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

the pączki was pretty alright tho.

FancyShark

Are we sure Bayport isn't in Chernobyl?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It sounds like a suburb of Detroit.

1000 Space GDCs

Bayport has more abandoned buildings than Gotham city.

Badgerman

This is like an MST3K where the movie is so boring Mike/Joel/Jonah and the bots can't save it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Bayport, Indiana. Where Hope Goes To Die Uninsured.

Badgerman

If this all ends with Robocop busting through a wall to save the day I'll take back everything I said about this book

FancyShark

It's not as batshit as some of the other books, but the riffs tonight have been top notch. Like cheese puffs.

1000 Space GDCs

That one where Tom is just screaming 'END!'

gellaho

At the old barn, Joe is getting Catty

FancyShark

"Don't go there, girlfriend," says the whitest boy in the 50's 80's

Badgerman

The virgin accomplice vs the Chad chartwell boxer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh........Chad did you not see what happened to Crumbleton? Kevin stabbed him six times for "questioning him" and all Crumbleton did was ask Kevin if he could pass the salt."

FancyShark

Classic Kevin prank

gellaho

Joe decides to beat him up

gellaho

FancyShark

Like Joe Pesci's character in any Scorcese movie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Glass Chad.

Everyone knows he's the easiest character to beat in Super Hardy Out.

1000 Space GDCs

Chartwell is a catering company. No wonder he sucks at boxing.

Badgerman

I mean I'd have tried to befriend him but I guess the blind haymaker works too

gellaho

Kevin has psychic powers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Not even a haymaker, two jabs. Jabs are the punch you throw to measure or create distance or keep their defence occupied.

Chad is a terrible boxer. He needs to watch more Hajime no Ippou.

Badgerman

He made it like three steps and got dog piled

Why do these dorks keep splitting up again?

gellaho

Joe's having quite a day

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe.........why was the police a bluff?

Brendan

NOT an exclamation cliffhanger

gellaho

He hasn't exploded yet, so it's still looking up

FancyShark

Light takes longer to register in Joe's brain

Badgerman

Guard just fucking windmill spinning that punch. Like a cartoon character

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe hasnt been the same since Frank replaced his brain with a lobsters central nervous system.

Badgerman

He went on to runner-up at UFC 3

gellaho

They save that for the end of chapters

FancyShark

GELLAHO cliffhanger!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The best kind of cliffhangers!

Badgerman

You're telling me gellaho understands pacing and tension better than the guy who wrote this book?

Yeah, I believe that.

1000 Space GDCs

Low bar.

FancyShark

Nothing says "legendary detective" like hoping you can stop after ringing a doorbell

gellaho

Shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank........why did you not CALL AHEAD YOU FUCKING DINGUS!

Brendan

It was I, Joe. Your own brother: the architect of all your pain.

gellaho

☑️ Redhead

And

☑️ Sleeenderrrr

FancyShark

"Joe, you're talking to a sponge."