gellaho
And a nerd, it has everything
77: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #30: The Deadliest Dare Franklin W. Dixon
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Dangerous pranks always backfire.
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FancyShark
WE HIT PAYDIRT!
1000 Space GDCs
This redhead is not paying attention to Frank's words at all.
I like her
gellaho
And now she's out of the book
Badgerman
Just checking off that bingo box
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man making an Argonauts reference with your boat is dangerously close to hubris.
FancyShark
The Argonauts are kicking themselves for not ringing the doorbell
dammit, scooped
Badgerman
The greatest Argonaut of all: Kevin
gellaho
This is at least the fifth time in this book that one of them has arrived at a place where "it was obvious something was wrong"
1000 Space GDCs
'to be alone' is code for 'do drugs with sex workers'.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Doing drugs with sex workers is the best kind of aloneness.
FancyShark
I hope to someday be described as "weather-beaten"
Badgerman
I hope this ends in a sniper fight in the middle of a hurricane like in Equalizer 2.
Agent of Fortune
GRAMATKEEEEE
FancyShark
"Frank then used the lamp to cave in the man's skull"
gellaho
Biff is still going along with this for... reasons
Badgerman
I say, they've taken the motor launch!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean that guard probably will never regain consiousness anyway, and if he does he will need flash cards to spell anything but "mksplubb" again.
Badgerman
That's not cricket 😤
FancyShark
Biff's pretty sure he's in the right place
Brendan
when things are wrong everywhere you go, you're what's wrong.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah I'm aiding an assassination. Its a PRANK, DUH."
1000 Space GDCs
Frank could have saved the guards life by calling an ambulance. As it is, he will bleed to death internally.
gellaho
Frank commandeers Tony's smuggling boat
FancyShark
So many concrete shoes on board
Agent of Fortune
BIFFFFFF
TONY PIZZAAAAA
Badgerman
"Lucky I remembered to backfill this exposition," Frank thought to himself
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah yeah. Ol Tony has a boat.....for.......smuggling. Yes. For smuggling my famous pizza sauce. To avoid.......tariffs......"
1000 Space GDCs
Frank's spying on the guy in witness protection pays off.
gellaho
So many head wounds
FancyShark
Tony's torso would be found a week later, floating in the bay
gellaho
Head Wound: The Book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And absolutely NOT to hide the corpses of people who discover my secret connection to Operation Gladio. Nope."
FancyShark
Curt Branders: We'll Keep It Brief And Personalized
Badgerman
Why'd you bring a gun if you're just going to go out of your way to avoid using it
gellaho
Look at those faaaaat candles
Brendan
Neurologists in Bayport must buy a new Rolls every week.
FancyShark
Guns in the Hardy universe are more like the Talking Stick. You're not allowed to monologue unless you're holding a gun
Agent of Fortune
CURT BRANDERSSSSS
Badgerman
They prefer "stout"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You see, Frank, as an INTERNATIONAL ASSASSIN I sometimes feel the need to kind of.....spice things up in the work place. It would have been really easy to have shot this old man days ago and fucked off to Belize or something. But instead I wove an elaborate plan involving framing a teen cult for murder. To keep busy, you see."
gellaho
This ghostwriter must find sweaters very threatening
FancyShark
Mr. Rogers was his Jigsaw
Agent of Fortune
OTHER BRANDERSSSSS
Badgerman
A dark sweater now, to contrast with his earlier dark sweater
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck you, Kevin. Nobody currently sitting on an apple barrel gets to jeer at someone elses intellect.
Badgerman
Oh fuck, it's the Psycho Ranger Hardy Boys
1000 Space GDCs
That's a Hooper brand apple barrel!
Brendan
The '90s had such a misplaced idea of the need for baggy sweaters.
Agent of Fortune
Psycho loco
FancyShark
It's like every writer was intimidated by longshoremen
gellaho
Angry Kevin
FancyShark
Hang on, Curt's a thief?
Agent of Fortune
Yeah that's not funny
Badgerman
Not as cool as "international swindler"
Agent of Fortune
He prefers grifter
FancyShark
His cover as a thief is "international assassin"?
Badgerman
I have a DnD character like that but in reverse
1000 Space GDCs
To be fair that is cooler
gellaho
Those foolish poor little rich kids
gellaho
Other way around
Badgerman
So this is all just a big revenge scheme?
Agent of Fortune
Assassin international?
FancyShark
Ah, thank you
1000 Space GDCs
Classic cult leader rug pull
Badgerman
Like, there's no profit?
gellaho
He told his younger brother he's a thief to get him to help assassinate a guy\
FancyShark
That's so Curt!
Badgerman
You didn't even forge the wills to get yourselves a cut of their estates?
Freaking amateur hour
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah sick prank Curt. Did you see what your dumb ass little brother looked like when the cops told him he was being charged with 30 counts of murder?"
gellaho
C'mon, can't give me "dove" and now no snuck?
FancyShark
The biggest prank my stepbrother ever pulled on me was short-sheeting my bed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah it was the best, it took forever to pin all those assassinations on him and his stupid little teen cult idea."
gellaho
This is how people talk
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My sister and I once convinced my brother he could reinflate a bike tire without a pump if he breathed hard enough.
Badgerman
You have a large body of water you can throw all your murder evidence into and you're setting up a fall guy
Agent of Fortune
Does not compute
FancyShark
"That's right. I'm sending you to outer space."
Badgerman
The Hardy Boys in: This Island Earth
gellaho
Curt seems very dumb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man this is really needlessly elaborate for a guy who can just sail into international waters, put a slug into an old man, dump his body, and leave the country.
Badgerman
Fuck you, Curt
FancyShark
The international assassin doubts his ability to gauge when someone is dead
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Curt is one of the worst Hardy assassins and that is saying something.
FancyShark
The Assassins are better assassins than this guy, and they're just dipshit terrorists
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I bet Curt doesnt make much money because of his tendency to fuck around.
Badgerman
Who would hire this moron
gellaho
Kevin's enjoying himself
FancyShark
He spends a lot of his income on lotto tickets people have thrown in the trash
Badgerman
Barmet Bay, that classic American place name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Olaf Stundurksy, owner of Olafs Falafel and Taser emporium, Gramatkees deadly rival!
Olaf has CTE
gellaho
"My brother would also never fall for a desperate story"
Brendan
The business associates are going to be very unsettled if they ask for reports and he's like "Okay, I FINALLY got the ancient cult conspiracy ring established, but I've only clubbed Gramatkee in the ear so far...I'm waiting for two local teen sleuths to show up."
Badgerman
"I would never believe my brother the international hitman would kill anybody!"
Brendan
"What? No, just shoot him from the trees with a rifle."
FancyShark
"We're not paying for any of this, are we?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"wait.........you think Biff is my friend? I hate that guy, he put a pickle in my gas tank last year."
gellaho
OK, wtf, so you can say FBI?
FancyShark
Who hasn't tried to impress their little brother by embracing the mystique of the suave and sexy international thief?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lmao the Federal Crime Bureau?
gellaho
Noooooo! That lamp was so young!
Badgerman
Jesus, this guy brought a .32?
FancyShark
Props to the writer for getting near a joke
Badgerman
He's not serious about any of this professional killer bullshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kevin..........you stupid fuck. The ONE person in your life who absolutely cannot be trusted is your brother, everyone with a brother knows this.
gellaho
I think the word "fat" has appeared 50 times. Whether or not it made any sense
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My brother used to steal my jeans and once sold my copy of Suikoden 2 for drug money, you think you should trust that?!
Badgerman
Ghostwriter was really into body shaming inanimate objects
Agent of Fortune
That's not how bullets work
Badgerman
shielJ
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn that chair is thicc if it can stop a nine mil.
at that range.
Badgerman
The bullet got lost in the padding and was too proud to stop and ask for directions
gellaho
Well, that's a first. A Hardy attempting to kill
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
old man Gramatkee has some good taste in chairs.
Brendan
He could have just had the bullet glance. Bullets do weird stuff sometimes!
FancyShark
Holy shit, Frank!
Badgerman
Yeah, the Hardy Boys would be shooting blanks, wouldn't they
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Frank you fuckin NERD, the one time you pull a trigger its empty.
FancyShark
He can't even get a gun hot
Badgerman
No wonder Callie pretends not to notice them
gellaho
So many fat armchairs
Badgerman
SIX armchairs???????
On a BOAT????
FancyShark
"Aw nuts. Can't kill a man, I guess."
FancyShark
YOU FOOL! THE BOAT IS NOTHING BUT CHAIRS!
<sinks>
Badgerman
Great, he said to himself without quotation marks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jesus how big is this fuckin boat if it has a full library?!
gellaho
Getting knocked out turned Biff into an old-timey pugilist
FancyShark
"Have at you!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gramatkee sold a fuckton of keys for this puppy.
Badgerman
"Take this, scallywag!"
FancyShark
"Uncouth ruffian!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I wonder if Biff will wrestle Curt overboard or Curt will shoot Biff in the tummy?
gellaho
But who was fall?
Badgerman
Dived*
Wait. No
FancyShark
Doven
Badgerman
Now I'm confused
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Diven.
FancyShark
Deeved
gellaho
Curt was fall. And I guess Joe sees what Frank sees now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dorved.
gellaho
Yes, they did say dived again
Like they're mocking me
Badgerman
God damn it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Curt you failed to kill TWO TEENS, with a gun. You need to retire.
FancyShark
"Hahaha, guess the Curt's in the water this time!"
"That doesn't make any sense! Help me!"
FancyShark
It was only a matter of time before these books became aware of you
1000 Space GDCs
Man I get distracted by Jeopardy for a minute and now I'm lost.
gellaho
Branderses
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Curts in the cradle and a silver spoon, little boy blue......"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND HELP KEVIN!"
Hahaha no they wont, Curt.
Badgerman
Branders & Branders, the personal injury facilitators. Call today
FancyShark
"One of those idiots will think it's a sandwich. We're fine."
Badgerman
Better Squirt Curt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Neither of the Hardy boys has any kind of marksmanship, its a pistol. And a nine millimeter, you're probably good.
gellaho
Kevin's having a moment
gellaho
Set the boat afire
FancyShark
That's rough. I remember when I found out Santa wasn't a hitman, too.
Badgerman
We must RAM THE YACHT WITH FIRE
gellaho
We say ablaze in this country, sir. It's much cooler, it has a z in it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah you dumb ass. Remember that time I farted in your Cheerios? And remember that time I told you bugs taste like chocolate? Why do you believe me?"
Rachel
Dousing things with gasoline has never failed before!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You came back! Huzzah!
Badgerman
This fucking guy plans assassinations like Francis Drake fights the Spanish Armada
1000 Space GDCs
I hope they remembered to get rid of the fire extinguishers this time.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Phantom Zone cannot hold Rachel!
gellaho
I mean, you might as well go "Branderses's" at this point
Rachel
Ehh this boat fire can't be stopped! Where would they possibly get enough water??
Badgerman
They're escaping to international waters with a gimp. That can't be good
FancyShark
You tell us, writer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A wet gimp.
1000 Space GDCs
The various spellings of branderses's is an indication of how much editors give a shit about this book.
gellaho
Now everyone gets wet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah yeah, Fuck you, Joe.
Enjoy visiting Poseidon.
gellaho
Joe is allergic to air
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yessss swallow the sea water, Joe.
FancyShark
Joe's breathing lessons were showing their flaws
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Succumb and embrace our Dark Mother, the Ocean.
1000 Space GDCs
Joe is unusually non bouyant
gellaho
You are a weird guy, ghostwriter
Badgerman
Good thing I took that underwater basket weaving class!
FancyShark
His brain is cement
Rachel
I'm pulling for Dagon
FancyShark
oh gross. The writer's getting off on this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
RETURN TO THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE JOE!
gellaho
Very bizarre
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It only hurts at first.
FancyShark
Yes, whale songs do remind people of drowning. This all tracks.
Badgerman
Buddy, we have kinktober for this shit
gellaho
It's your boy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God he better not get rescued by a dolphin.
FancyShark
YES!
GO!
FEAST ON THE IMMORTAL!
Rachel
As joe suffocates, the last thing he hears is the gentle cry of a nearby lobster
"kiss the girl"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DEVOUR THE LAND MAMMAL! WOLVES OF THE SEA!
FancyShark
I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THAT'S A DOLPHIN
gellaho
Passing out for the third time today
gellaho
Just Kevin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw its fuckin Kevin.
You asshole.
FancyShark
KEVINS ARE THE DOLPHINS OF THE LAND! DAMMIT!
Badgerman
This dude's brain must be deflated balloon ribbons by now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I wanted Joe to be eaten by sharks and pooped out for all the little poop eating fishes to eat.
Rachel
"Ughhh now i have to tell people i was rescued by kevin? You should have let me drown asshole."
"In fact, throw me back in. Dolphin or bust."
gellaho
Frank wanted to make sure they were dead before he got the least bit wet
Rachel
Correct, yes, nothing has changed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You're........still........a huge dork Kevin..............I'm cough not sorry splutter I peed on your Dungeon Master's Guide."
FancyShark
Can't let the circuitry get wet
gellaho
Look at Mr Fancypants with his thesaurus
FancyShark
This is probably the same dilemma Frank had when they were kids and Joe took a bath
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh.........what was that Kevin? Murderersbrothersayswhat?"
FancyShark
Brooke-ass ghost writing mofo
Badgerman
That's not seawater, he just forgot to go before he left shore
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So is Frank going to beat Kevin to death with a marlinespike or not?
gellaho
I guess it's good that we already know that Biff's there and radioed for help already
gellaho
I mean, I do
I skipped that because radioing for help is boring
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"huge" firebomb.
Rachel
warning y'all I'm unsobering
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Because its a launch.
FancyShark
Might as well kill a man in the most conspicuous manner possible
Rachel
truly legendary hitman stuff
1000 Space GDCs
I ran to a bar 2 hours ago for that purpose.
Badgerman
Biff stays at his post to warn the mainland til the bitter end. The Vince Coleman of Bayport, they called him at the memorial
Rachel
he trained under putin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Leon the Professional had a scene like this.
FancyShark
To be fair, that's how I play Hitman
gellaho
Kevin's looking to end it all
Badgerman
You don't just knock everyone out with spaghetti cans?
1000 Space GDCs
Joe thinks that today is a good day to die.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Personally I like to poison people.
Rachel
see this is why i rely on good old fashioned knives and poison
ALLEGEDLY
FancyShark
Frank can't believe these idiots wouldn't use a knife
Badgerman
"Suppose we ram him"
"That would kill us"
"Only if we die"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God Curt is just the worst assassin.
FancyShark
Joe learned everything from Con Air
gellaho
This ghostwriter is just going to use every type of plural and possessive he can
FancyShark
The hit man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He should try Brandersez, because its got a z and that makes it 90s as fuck.
Badgerman
It's been two words the whole book and it lowkey pisses me off
Rachel
Yeah me too
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
But not Branderzez, because that makes it ZZ Topp as fuck.
gellaho
Well then
FancyShark
I'm assuming if he uses the same version of Branders more than once, it summons the demon to drag him back to hell?
Rachel
It should be the hit-man roll
Rachel
Im trying hon
1000 Space GDCs
Brandon Sanders'ssons's
FancyShark
Curt died as he lived: a complete failure of an assassin
Rachel
angry javo noises
gellaho
I bet the kids had a great time reading this
gellaho
Had a great night's sleep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah after getting foiled by the fucking Hardy boys, I would just stay on board my exploding boat and let Death take me.
FancyShark
"I hope you liked that Hardy Boys book I got you for your birthday!"
Rachel
In my head he delivers tha line like kevin costner in waterworld mourning his boat
Badgerman
Boy, we solved the shit out of this mystery
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean you should have found at least BITS of him.