78: 62 The Apeman's Secret Franklin W. Dixon

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahahahaha they actually did recognize them! Awesome.

gellaho

Remember to keep proper grammar during your street fights

FancyShark

"The fuzz"? Okay, I buy that it's 1980 now

gellaho

And what of the whom

Badgerman

Even after everything they've done the Hardies are cheifly defined by being Fenton's kids

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Congrats, cult. You have accomplished more than literally anyone else I've seen so far.

Brendan

Not enough time to onboard them before His Mighty Storm sweeps the land.

LyraV

I am quite the adequete pugilist myself Sir, let me remove my monocle.

FancyShark

Verily, I say, have at you

gellaho

Squirt, spray, who's to say

Rachel

Oh cool Brendan my island fished cod almost exclusively right up to the 1970s and then they nearly went extinct lol. same hat

FancyShark

Stop trying to make culties happen, writer

It's the same number of letters as cultists. You are solving nothing.

Badgerman

First the table of contents, Gertrude's devil food cake, and now squirting culties. This whole book is mad horny

FancyShark

wait, no, one letter shorter

fuck, fine

gellaho

Classic spray can things like mustard, "catsup," and shoe polish

godless juice jakesy

What is wrong with this author

Badgerman

An early clue to the true identity of the Noah, the Condiment King

FancyShark

This ice cream counter sucks

Rachel

it's not about shortening, it's about mocking

Another ignorant screed against another harmlss cult

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I.....kinda figured they would have a beating coming? How does being covered in mustard prevent them from solving crimes?

Brendan

:Waves hello in nautical flags:

gellaho

The final squirt is the unkindest squirt of all

FancyShark

It makes it sexy

Badgerman

Do - do we need to move this book to the swamp?

Rachel

so you want to worship satan, maybe make some sacrifices, whatever? Who's it hurting? ... besides the obvious

Rachel

god i hope so

Badgerman

The Hardy Boys do seem like one pump chumps come to think of it

gellaho

Why is Aunt Gertrude southern

Rachel

that would really help hold my interest

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank and Joe, squirt and skedaddle.

FancyShark

I watched a Seagal movie where "take a squirt" was used as slang for pissing, so this is really confusing me

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gertrude.......I know you're operating with a 1980's persons idea of a 1950s womans brain but.......you know what they get up to.

gellaho

And back to the Apeman

FancyShark

"You boys look like you were out at a gang initiation. You want some cake?"

Rachel

wait how nasty

Badgerman

attacka you with an ape. killa and smasha you with a man

gellaho

"Overawe" is a new one

FancyShark

Not that kind!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean if someone told me The Incredible Hulk was gonna smash my house I dont think I'd take it that seriously even if someone was dressing up like the Hulk and breaking into houses.

Rachel

gosh darn you to heck or the swamp kind

oh

Badgerman

I mean, yeah, this is just the correct response to prank calls

gellaho

"I don't know why we kept answering"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

its the 1980s so "smash the house" isnt vernacular for anything dirty yet.

FancyShark

You can't defeat a woman with words, Frank. That's like pulling a knife on a samurai.

Badgerman

Life before caller ID was just a jungle of human madness

LyraV

One call was just a donkey braying repeatedly.

Rachel

controversial yet brave

gellaho

Sleekly togged

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The sixth was a tape of smooth jazz with wolf howls, but we thought that was a different caller.

Rachel

off to get the beards

Badgerman

Sleekly Togged could be an actual character name in this series and I wouldn't be at all fazed by now

FancyShark

Okay, new theory: this manuscript fell behind a desk or shelf and they found it thirty years later and published it

gellaho

I like this alternate universe Biff better, he has a sick van

FancyShark

Badgerman

It was sentenced to the Phantom Zone for being too horny for human consumption

Rachel

we've all been there am i right

Badgerman

Oh, so Joe is just the gimp.

Rachel

we've all been

FancyShark

Callie in a tiger outfit is officially new levels of horny

Badgerman

Tony Prito is a high schooler?!?!?

He owns a pizza parlor! What

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's been held back, okay!

gellaho

Well, I guess I know what's going on in your imagination

FancyShark

What, you a cop?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His hands are for making pizza, not doing geometry.

gellaho

Different universe

Badgerman

Oh my god, this has been a multiverse all along?

gellaho

For example, guess who didn't explode!

Badgerman

That explains... way more than it should

Rachel

right i forgot about the hardyverse

FancyShark

Look, she's tried everything conventional. She's tried getting almost murdered. She's tried doing nothing. All that's left is tiger-striped superhero outfits.

1000 Space GDCs

Wait, Chet has a sister?

I just got home from work

gellaho

Yeah, she got car bombed in the first Casefiles

She was Joe's girlfriend

FancyShark

She was the first victim of Joe's curse

gellaho

Then she got cloned in the fourth book

Badgerman

You know, for kids!

gellaho

And came back as a ghost in The book I'm currently making an audiobook for

FancyShark

And the fact that Chet is still friends with the Hardys after that is proof he is a saint

Rachel

actually tbh you might have been overhearing my thoughts so

FancyShark

Which you aren't getting nearly enough thanks for

1000 Space GDCs

Hey, he got a new sister, no harm, no foul

LyraV

What's some light sister exploding between friends amiright?

gellaho

These sound baffles get a lot of play, so I hope you know what a sound baffle is

FancyShark

I think it's something to block sound?

Badgerman

Biff was an MCU early adopter and refuses to admit most releases after Infinity War haven't been as good

Rachel

We've all

1000 Space GDCs

but if they reflect and amplify sound on the inside the acoustics are going to be terrible

gellaho

The Apeman does not appreciate the new hits of 1980

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lost 1980s technology, sound baffles. Keeping music on the dance floor and not making conversation everywhere else impossible!

FancyShark

Apeman senses death. So much death. All around the Hardys.

Badgerman

MAH GAWD IT'S MACHO MAN ENTERING AT #7 IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE

gellaho

There he is

FancyShark

OHH YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH

gellaho

NOT THE COLA!

1000 Space GDCs

Was biff in character when he said jumpin' jupiter?

gellaho

It's the second time the phrase has been uttered

FancyShark

Biff is ripped in half by an angry gorilla. Enjoy, kids!

Brendan

He looks like Alfred E. Neuman

1000 Space GDCs

Also he's described looking more like conan than an ape

Rachel

oh this is that recording artist ive been learning about

gellaho

Not the sound baffles!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Some of this dialogue is so Super Friendsy I cannot believe that its a coincidence.

FancyShark

He really baffled that sound

Badgerman

The baffled sound composing

Hardylleujah

gellaho

HARDY RAGE

Brendan

Miss Martian is a real DC character for the uninitiated.

She's named after my friend Meagan!

But she didn't exist back then.

gellaho

Sounds like they owe Franklin W Dixon some money

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

YEAH KICK AN APE MANS ASS JOE AND FRANK!

Rachel

damnit brendan weed high means your eyes can't dilate and contract as fast

FancyShark

Five seconds later, they are the Hardy Torsos

gellaho

Time to beat this caveman with some table legs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah yeah curb stomp that dipshit!

LyraV

You too eh? I gave up on it and went back to balancing this pyramid on my head.

Badgerman

Stay back, girls, getting mob-ripped to shreds by an ape creature is Man's Work

FancyShark

Good thing the school is full of blunt instruments

1000 Space GDCs

This is the most one-sided fight the hardys are about to lose

Rachel

same except hornier obv

gellaho

I told you the baffles get a lot of play

FancyShark

And yes, I mean Joe

1000 Space GDCs

The sound baffles won't dampen the sound of their screams

Badgerman

I like how side characters are just jumping in to assist like this is Endgame or something

FancyShark

Chet is Captain Marvel in this

Rachel

oh god wait for the requisite women power scene

FancyShark

So many Callies

Rachel

oh i didn't realize that chet was sexy as all hell

gellaho

Interesting, Apeman is literate

Badgerman

It's gonna be so hype when Tony Prito activates instant kill mode

FancyShark

We've only been IMPLYING IT EVERY CHANCE WE GET

godless juice jakesy

The Lost Hardy

1000 Space GDCs

apeman is going to be so pissed that he dropped his most incriminating things

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Chet is what peak performance looks like.

FancyShark

Tony Prito uses Gun!

godless juice jakesy

ApeMan is Gertrude's bastard son that they locked up under the house

Calling it now

Rachel

i did mention i was pretty high

gellaho

Case closed

Badgerman

Ace detectives

FancyShark

Hey, I'll take any excuse to sing the song of Chet

Brendan

Well we know the killer's not a woman. They don't have pockets.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"So yeah lets comb thru all this bar floor debris, maybe we will find enough change for a soda!"

gellaho

The breathmints are going to crack this thing wide open

Rachel

sure, we've all simped before

1000 Space GDCs

Tony is going to whack apeman, just like he learned from Uncle Giuseppe.

Brendan

These are Hardys from like...universe 615

they respect their crime scene

FancyShark

"Looks like we've caught you...fresh handed"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah that New York subway token.

Badgerman

The evidence bags they always carried with them, because they were broken inside on a fundamental level by the ravages of society

gellaho

Classic 80s

Rachel

even in blazers you cannot get an interior breast pocket, which is the best kind of pocket!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

spuuuuuuuuunk

1000 Space GDCs

you gotta go to the nightclub printed on the matches, that's how this works, guy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its so you all cant carry knives.

gellaho

Chet rage!

Rachel

and even if you put a cellphone in it it's almost invisible

LyraV

Yet still I manage.

Rachel

stop flirting with me

FancyShark

oh shit, that girl's going to get the biggest congratulations gift from him

Badgerman

Chet frequents r/saltierthancrait and sees no connection between that and his attitudes towards successful women

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is how you destroy the patriarchy, with knives and possibly homemade pockets.

Badgerman

You can concealed carry anything if you never get caught. True fact

Brendan

Now--to the SHOPPING MALL!

Rachel

just like fashion designers

gellaho

Chet has moved on to another terrible idea

godless juice jakesy

Going to turn him into ape gabagool

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

star wipe

Brendan

1980 cosplay party with a pixielike girl is practically sci-fi

This is the most futuristic novel I've ever read.

Badgerman

Chet would later find success under the pseudonym of "Rob Leifield"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean it worked for Jim Davis, I can't see why it wouldnt work for Chet.

gellaho

Later, the Apeman continues his assault on the Hardy compound

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

OH GOD NO! CHET BECAME OUR UNIVERSES SCOTT ADAMS! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Badgerman

Hahaha what kind of Halloween 2018 nonsense is this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck this is the darkest timeline!

Rachel

Through the television??

gellaho

Chet would write some Marvel's Questprobes

Badgerman

Has Apeman been stalking Gertrude for like 40 years or something

FancyShark

"TAKE ME BACK, GERTRUDE!"

gellaho

Weird, Frank

Brendan

What world, where one such as CHET can be tainted??

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"APEMAN JUST WANT DATE!"

Brendan

This is the Injustice Hardys Patch

Badgerman

If your nut tries to climb in, maybe consider seeing a doctor

godless juice jakesy

Fuck I think my prediction is going to be correct

gellaho

As far as I know, Gertrude is just a moocher, so I don't know what instincts she has

godless juice jakesy

Gertrude is in on it

Stinks to high Heaven

Lol Amazing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ape Man is Aunt Gertrudes partner in the coke trade.

FancyShark

Wild Man At The Disco would have been a much better book

Badgerman

Gertrude has got to be some kind of Manchurian Candidate handler. She's gonna ask Frank to get the cards out next

1000 Space GDCs

Apes! At the Disco

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His real name is Jorge Rodriguez and he's an Argentinian drug smuggler.

1000 Space GDCs

Alfresco is the name of an Italian restaurant near me.

gellaho

Seems like the "Um, actually" trait is genetic

gellaho

godless juice jakesy

I CHIMED IN WITH A HAVENT YOU PEOPLE HEARD OF A SOUND BAFFLER

Rachel

thank god they usually dont reproduce

Badgerman

"Who gives a shit, mom" is the only acceptable answer here

FancyShark

Hell yes on the new name, @godless juice jakesy

gellaho

Maybe pick a better name, Micky

godless juice jakesy

Alfredo Disco might be the best name for anything I've ever heard

Badgerman

*comix boox

1000 Space GDCs

You a hardy boy? I don't care which

Rachel

"Doves are actually the same species as birds"

"Fuck off already, mom."

Brendan

"Perhaps you've read our series that only appeared in comic shops? It sold over 3000 copies."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gertrude Hardy: Bible Detective.

gellaho

Just like how people talk

Brendan

Buzz Barton is such a Stan Lee innovation.

Rachel

I mean I prefer Mr. Balognese Club to each their own

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I guess it depends on how mad he was at his girlfriend when she broke up with him to join a cult."

FancyShark

Culties sounds more like a brand of snack

godless juice jakesy

I read it as "the cuties" every time

gellaho

Always fun to see the New York skyline

godless juice jakesy

It's the worst nickname

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh and they are still doing this cult shit, huh? And not following up on their Aunt being harassed by an ape man.

gellaho

They love little oranges

Rachel

They're the snack that bites back

Rachel

me too incidentally

FancyShark

I can't remember what this means

1000 Space GDCs

Frank hopes to find a sword shaped like the twin towers

godless juice jakesy

My god

Badgerman

The Hardies are forever doomed to warn of the tragedy of 9/11 but condemned to watch it unfold, like Mothman

godless juice jakesy

He's…forgotten

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I dont remember where I was when I first saw this either, its on the tip of my tongue..........

gellaho

"That's why I called you teens all the way to New York: to tell you to do something you were already doing"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

TWO CASES! TWO SUBPLOTS! TWICE THE HARDY ACTION!

godless juice jakesy

Star Comix has a scene with Johnny Sins in an hour, let's hurry this along

FancyShark

"Yeah! Dangerous on the dance floor! Fuck! Write that down! That's another good one!"

Badgerman

You can tell this manuscript was on the shelf for a bit because it still treats the disco as a place people wanted to go for entertainment

Rachel

oh no, this might be too complex for me

the sheer intricacy of the plot

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And the speed of the pacing!

gellaho

Sweatiest man in the biz

LyraV

Why are so many people associated with Bigfoot and Apemen in a constant state of nervous excitement?

gellaho

Badgerman

meth. it's meth

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Aw my guy, blue is gonna show those sweat stains so much.

gellaho

Cocaine's a hell of a drug

Badgerman

Hamp

Huber

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

No fuck you, no one was ever named Hamp Huber.

No.

FancyShark

"Yeah, even I don't know what I was thinking" - The Author

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That cannot be acceptable as the name of a human person, ghostwriter.

gellaho

Everyone in comics has ridiculous names, kid

LyraV

Hamp and his brother Frampt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hamp is something I'd name a pet sidekick after i ran out of ideas like "Rex" or "Lucky"

FancyShark

Hamp is a placeholder name

Badgerman

Hamp Ster

gellaho

Federated Broadcasting System

FancyShark

Vern Kelso

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Federated"?

godless juice jakesy

Lol these names are dogshit

Badgerman

Vern Kelso at least sounds believable in a pulp detective sort of way

"Federated" is just bad

FancyShark

I hope the author agonized over each one

Badgerman

Do these schmucks live in the Federation from Starship Troopers or something, the fuck

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Would you Hardy Boys like to know more?"

gellaho

Gnomelike, fellows