78: 62 The Apeman's Secret Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

You better be keeping count

Rachel

"we're willing to give you the hardy brand"

"Get the fuck out of my office, kid"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Tee hee hee, before I answer thee, I must ask of ye, these riddles three!"

FancyShark

I think we're at five?

gellaho

Capitalizing son, why not

FancyShark

"I'm not Joe Son, sir"

Badgerman

What the fuck is this branching plot CRPG quest bullshit

gellaho

I'm pretty sure Gil killed Frome

gellaho

Brendan

Is this one of Steven Grant's? I thought he wrote his books later.

gellaho

Onto the body-building enthusiasts

FancyShark

"He also said 'Oh god, he's killing me! Help! Help!'. Very weird guy."

gellaho

FancyShark

If this book has Big Lenny, it will all be worth it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Well what he said was "Fuck that asshole Rudd, he's the kind of son of a bitch who'd sell his own mother to a brothel, except he could get more money pimping her himself.", but i cant say that in front of fine upstanding youths."

Badgerman

I am getting the feeling of pahmping in tha Hardy Bois books, ngyaaah

gellaho

Rollo

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

hahahah liniment.

FancyShark

All day long, I am solving mysteries and cumming

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nobody has used that word in a modern context in ages, what the fuck, liniment?!

1000 Space GDCs

That's a weird euphemism for cum.

gellaho

Zack Amboy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Here, smear this "liniment" on your muscles, Harry!"

godless juice jakesy

Haha Dixon is fucking with us now

Brendan

Rollo Eckert, Austrian superman

Badgerman

I'm Zack! Amboy. I- I am Am. Boy? I, Zack, Amboy. Yes.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Presently Amboy" would be an alright name for a Puritan tho.

gellaho

Burn

godless juice jakesy

Glass houses, Frank and Joe

FancyShark

"Especially when they told him and he said thanks"

1000 Space GDCs

If he keeps pumping hell eventually become Zack Amman

gellaho

Frank gets a phone call

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

So Joe and Frank immediately adapt to become the Arnolds of this gym I see.

Badgerman

When unobserved Joe immediately goes limp as a ragdoll

The reverse "Andy's coming!"

gellaho

Perfect time to give Joe an Indian burn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is common when you detach the camera in some games, the engine reduces physics on non observed objects to save processing power.

gellaho

Conk!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm not sure what non fatally ambushing Joe accomplishes.

But whatever.

FancyShark

The blood is pooling on Joe's brain, but he says he's fine

LyraV

This all feels like he's talking about something else entirely.

1000 Space GDCs

It's unusual for Joe to get head trauma off screen

godless juice jakesy

This checks out, traumatic brain injuries weren't invented yet

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joes had so many brain injuries his thinkmeat is mostly scar tissue at this point.

It forms a thick cushion.

gellaho

Fenton operates a spy network in this continuity, I guess

gellaho

Badgerman

Joe's MRI scans look something like this, I assume

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fenton is secretly Vampire J Edgar Hoover confirmed.

gellaho

Bologna!

Rachel

it's pretty good fried on a piece of toast

Brendan

This HAS to be Grant.

gellaho

That is the totality of information they get from Hamp

Brendan

This is like based on talking to Gil Kane about Victor Fox or Bob Kane, no relation.

godless juice jakesy

You gotta go to Amboy for the full story

gellaho

Oh, come on. Tell me what Buzz's hair color is

gellaho

I have my suspicions

godless juice jakesy

Every path takes us closer to the insurance money

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE-

oh, we did that already

Badgerman

Christ, I forgot there were culties in this one

Brendan

IT'S ALWAYS THE 🍨

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh god they are still doing this cult shit and not more SECRET OF THE APE MAN!

godless juice jakesy

Get ready for it at the end, you know it's coming

gellaho

Oh, Buzz is getting brainwashed immediately

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The secret of the ape man better be he is the leader of another, entirely separate cult.

godless juice jakesy

If any of those mandarin oranges give you trouble, let us know

FancyShark

They knew Buzz wouldn't take more than a standard 15 minute break

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Frank. Culties isnt a thing, stop trying to make it happen. I know you and Joe are real into it, but it just sucks."

gellaho

Chet with all his creative juices flowing

Badgerman

Pretty sure this is just how Flex Mentallo started, actually

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

When you are as large and handsome as Chet your juices need more time to circulate, give him time.

gellaho

They have their own boat in this one

godless juice jakesy

The Sleuth

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The Hardycraft.

FancyShark

These dipshits are going full Batman

Badgerman

The Sleuth

1000 Space GDCs

To the Hardyboat!

godless juice jakesy

You come up with Gil Rollow and Zack Amboy and the fuckin Sleuth is the best you can do

Badgerman

Fuck off

At least call it the Sleuth Sloop, or something

gellaho

Who could have foreseen Buzz giving up the ghost

Brendan

You're missing the point. It's the S.S. Sleuth

SSS

SNAKES

who led ape men out of the garden?

FancyShark

AAGGGHH! SNAKES!

Brendan

LUCIFER

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahha of course it was a trap, you goobers.

godless juice jakesy

My god

LyraV

Wow you can tell that from over there Frank? Leave Sue alone you creep.

FancyShark

Duuuuuuuude

Brendan

THE FLOOD

was CAUSED

by GOD

gellaho

Alright, the presently thing is really starting to wear on me

Brendan

WE ARE CHILDREN OF A BANISHED KING

Badgerman

And now he's going to move to San Fran and battle for the soul of all reality! AIIEEEEEE!!

1000 Space GDCs

What makes a climbing rig a detective climbing rig?

FancyShark

The hat

Brendan

I worked on boats for four years and I could not tell you what third mate's stripes look like.

Badgerman

It's like a Bat-climbing rig

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lmao I love that the captain and third mate arent wearing the cult getup, meaning they are probably just random employees that came with the boat.

FancyShark

Cultie Youths is definitely a slur

gellaho

Time for some diving

FancyShark

It's a party boat the cult keeps renting

gellaho

Wheeeeeeeeeee

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like when those Libertarian dinguses tried to make a cruise ship a floating city and found they needed an actual professional captain to do anything legally.

Badgerman

Goof thing the Hardies know how to swim!

LyraV

While Presently Fellows sounds like a terrible boy band.

gellaho

Well, that was a successful adventure

Badgerman

They went through a couple rough drafts before they settled on "weezer"

Badgerman

I can't believe I called that the twist was "they knew how to swim and were fine"

1000 Space GDCs

Kersplash just doesn't land as a sound effect.

Badgerman

Wait hahahaha the Sleuth is a pathetic little plastic rowboat. Fucking losers

gellaho

Get me the president!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"kersplash!"..........fuck you writer. A five year old says kersplash, get some better onomatopoeia. you fuck.

1000 Space GDCs

Wait, their "speedy" craft is a rowboat?

godless juice jakesy

Kersplash has a 2.15 career ERA and is second in the league in playoff strikeouts

Badgerman

What kind of plastic rowboat has a "powerful transciever" on it

FancyShark

They're floating in the box their radio came in

1000 Space GDCs

And Fenton is a famous manhunter now?

gellaho

It's not, they rowed from the speedboat. The plastic thing is weird

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"powerful transceiver" means they have a walkie talkie and their dad is on the shore.

1000 Space GDCs

Like a bounty hunter?

Badgerman

The Hardylorian

gellaho

This has escalated

FancyShark

Most cults only dream of this level of attention

Badgerman

Uhhh were these guys Dagon worshippers and the FBI just needed an excuse to move in?

1000 Space GDCs

Fenton has authorized a drone strike on the ark.

godless juice jakesy

When it's just some bitch who goes missing, call in the Hardy's. But when the Hardy's go missing, we need the full force of the US military, baby

gellaho

Don't give me that bilge!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"OH SHIT ITS THE TREASURY AGENTS! QUICK! 23 SKIDDOO!"

gellaho

Certainly worked out well for the Branch Dividian

1000 Space GDCs

Fenton plans on shipping the culties to the CIA black site he's somehow in charge of.

Badgerman

"This is the twentieth century"

"Don't give me that bilge"

Pick one.

FancyShark

"The expression of fears unsounded our peace"

godless juice jakesy

Hahahaha they're not even there for the missing girl!

Brendan

Nah it's still called bilge

godless juice jakesy

It was when the boy went missing!

Amazing

Brendan

Ships keep their own lingo.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Captain who now? I dont.........read books.........I do boat stuff. Like technical manuals."

Brendan

You call it the bathroom you're gonna get razzed. It's the head.

Badgerman

They're like micronations

1000 Space GDCs

This captain is intimately familiar with admiralty law.

gellaho

And Buzz seemed so strong willed

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also they HAD a boat and the are in a fucking BAY, so its not like hucking them overboard is a federal crime.

Let he who has not yeeted a Hardy into water cast the first stone.

FancyShark

"Noah cultie" is something an infant babbles out, you hack

gellaho

She went there of her own free will, so hard to do anything about that.

godless juice jakesy

I don't know, if they can save private Ryan they can save her

Badgerman

if this were a Yakuza game Joe and Frank would have already super smokin' combo-styled this entire boat into unconsciousness and rescued what's her name

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Buzz trying to signal the boys with his eyes "Help, I am under duress, try again to rescue me and sue" and Joe and Frank are getting "Bring hotdogs."

gellaho

Chet has had a very busy day

FancyShark

And then learn it was a cult

Badgerman

Chet. Buddy. Read the freaking room

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man this made me think of how similar Yakuza games are to a Hardy Boys book and it was just.......🤯

Badgerman

Oh shit, now I'm thinking about it too

gellaho

The name parade continues

FancyShark

I'm still convinced Chet is trying to get two fussy children to calm down, stop pretending to fight a cult, and do some drawings with him at the kitchen table

1000 Space GDCs

This ghost writer must be British.

Badgerman

Olaf O. Olafsen

FancyShark

Majima and Kiryu would make these stories so much better

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah no dont like follow up on the previous thread, I'm sure Buzz isnt being tortured and brainwashed right now so he can be ritually married to a goat.

gellaho

Dante Mazzola over here

FancyShark

FINALLY

A name that whips

godless juice jakesy

I'll be seeing him at the disco later

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Itzza mea! Dante Mazzola witha your pizza pie!"

gellaho

Aunt Gertrude has entered the spy game

gellaho

Badgerman

Meanwhile Buzz is being hollowed out to be a good vessel for Lord Paimon

1000 Space GDCs

Frank immediately blows G's cover

FancyShark

"We're going to tie a string around your soul and the other end around the doorknob and slam it shut. You won't feel a thing."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

My brain just started yelling at me in a House of the Dead 2 voice "SUFFER LIKE G DID?"

And Frank really doesnt understand how code names work. Just let your aunt have some fun Frank.

gellaho

Sue out in New York delivering cult packages

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh so Sam couldnt do investigation because hes too old, huh Fenton?

FancyShark

"Of the taxi? Okay"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

But look who did the thing?

gellaho

These cultists cannot hold on to these amulets

godless juice jakesy

Just carrying around piles of amulets

Badgerman

Oh shit, this really is where Brockway got his Wikiwhy amulet

FancyShark

The amulet of Noah!

Just like in the bible!

gellaho

I see no red flags

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is one of those times where I suspect the cult leader is going to tear off his hood and say "Hahaha boys, I got you good this time. Next time you'll be ready for your old dad to be a cult leader and feed your enemies information on your investigations, wont you?"

Badgerman

No it's not, shut up

Noah Norvel is not his real name

gellaho

Meanwhile: Chet's about to get his "idea" stolen

Badgerman

How dare you try to pass off these Doctor Pibbs of names as the genuine article

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay but brainwashing people is fine because they're legal adults? I mean I dont think the FBI can really do anything about that?

FancyShark

"Hey there, Norvel Reddenbacher"

"YOU SHUT UP! I'LL BE BIG AND IMPORTANT SOME DAY! AND THEN YOU'LL SEE!"

1000 Space GDCs

Chet doesn't realize Micky just wanted to make fun of his art.

FancyShark

Micky needed toilet paper

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahha look at this shit this fat kid showed me, I think he thought those two asshole "detectives" are my friends?"

gellaho

The go to bother the daughter Frome

Badgerman

Frome gnome go home

FancyShark

Robbers normally love punch bowls

1000 Space GDCs

Are they at a point in time where VCR wasn't a commonly known acronym?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Detective instinct" = ask a normal question when someone tells you how they were burglarized.

gellaho

Then: more muscle men

Badgerman

Again with the beetling brows!

FancyShark

Big Bad Beetling Brows

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's me, Vic Cardiff. Oim from ol Blighty!"

gellaho

Sporty car

Badgerman

Sporty. Not a sports car, per se, but still a little fun

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fenton and Gertrude are in the drug trade together.

It's how they can afford a "sporty car" on his salary.

1000 Space GDCs

Wait he thinks Fenton is a private eye? He has the ear of the president apparently.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its why Gertrude knows to not use names over the phone.

gellaho

They send Chet to stake out Noah's mansion, and he sees a g-g-ghost

gellaho

Uh oh

Badgerman

It's just a Klansman, Chet. Get a grip

FancyShark

THEY TOOK CHET!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Chet your fat eyes are so fat and dumb. Obviously it was someone WEARING white."

And after they said that, Chet said "You know what? Fuck these two, I'll walk home."

FancyShark

Luckily, Chet's so fat they couldn't have gotten far

1000 Space GDCs

Why would you describe anyone as roly poly.

gellaho

Pucker those foreheads

Badgerman

He did what? Frank did fucking what??

LyraV

He did WHAT to his forehead?

scooped lol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait........what? Frank........this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard anyone say about tresspassing.

FancyShark

Because people notoriously walk closer to ghosts when they see them

1000 Space GDCs

Frank has muscle groups no human has.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank.......do you think you can just abduct someone if they set foot on your yard? Or are you positing that the cult thinks that?

gellaho

I'm not sure what I expected of Noah, but this weren't it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank...........what is that freezer in the garage for?

Gold satin jumpsuit.

Okay yeah fair dues, this is a cult leader.

Badgerman

Did David Carradine raid Supreme Leader Snoke's wardrobe?

gellaho

Malicious twinkle

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lol you have fucked up now Noah.

gellaho

Alright, so Chet is a fifty year old man

Badgerman

Thank you for specifying that the fat guy's discomfort came from being bound in a stress position, author. I'd never have guessed

FancyShark

"And how he impregnated my seven redheaded supermodel daughters in the time it took you two to arrive?"

Brendan

S-sissyneck?

Badgerman

Pretty sure Noah escaped from the set of Running Man

gellaho

The face of youth

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahhaha that picture managed to make Chet look like someone got told "Sammo Hung, but white and a little fatter."

FancyShark

Look at that fat piece of shit

Badgerman

He looks like even at this very moment he's smuggling Rolos in his cheek folds

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Like if he ate a whole box of deep fried Twinkies for each meal for a month."

FancyShark

He's Jerry Orbach in a wig!

Badgerman

They had to rename the Elvis sandwich the Chet sandwich after he was done with them

1000 Space GDCs

Chet's got a wicked five o'clock shadow.

gellaho

Impudent is one of those words only fictional evil people use

FancyShark

And cauliflower ear

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If I ever am cooking in a restaurant, and someone asks for a "Chet" I will give them two fried twinkies on a sliced donut, drizzled in strawberry jam and sprinkled with rollos.

FancyShark

Garnished with a hug

gellaho

Noah talking like a sultan now

LyraV

That sounds delicious if I'm being honest.

Badgerman

Remember when all of this was about the Apeman's Secret?

FancyShark

Nope

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Right?

gellaho

Aunt Gertrude has all the personalities

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also I love that the cult leader is literally telling them "Fuck off my property or I will call the cops." more or less.

NOOOOO NOT THE COMIC ART MUSEUM!

Its the only museum worth visiting anymore!

gellaho

Boy, that's quite a sentence

Badgerman

Yeah now that you put it like that it is pretty strange

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait........you had a comic museum and you DIDNT KNOW ABOUT IT?!

Fuck the both of you, Joe and Frank.

Badgerman

Too busy solving crimes to read comix

gellaho

Aunt Gertrude out here with 18 distinct personalities

FancyShark

Gertrude is an anagram for Legion

Badgerman

Sure thing, Aunt G, let's get you to bed

Juho

That sentence was a grammatical three-lane pile-up.

LyraV

That happened to me after the Dark Phoenix Saga.

gellaho

Say it slow