78: 62 The Apeman's Secret Franklin W. Dixon

Badgerman

I'm gonna make you some warm tea and turn off Fox News now, okay, Gertrude?

1000 Space GDCs

Miss Hardy has been reading Frederick Wertham.

FancyShark

awwwwww yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh

gellaho

Director Gerald Tappan

Juho

I bet Chet goes commando.

Badgerman

Tappen dat ass lmao gottem

Juho

Tappan dat... Damnit.

gellaho

Some kind of fist or stick-like device

FancyShark

Like a fick or a stist

gellaho

All roads lead to Frome

Juho

It was either blunt or penetrating trauma, who can tell.

Badgerman

Probably wouldn't break Tappan's heart if you did both at the same time

Juho

Faked his own death for the insurance money.

gellaho

Ah, six years ago. Wish I knew what that meant

gellaho

Badgerman

One whole year, six years ago

One of those "one fine day, in the middle of the night" sorts of things I reckon

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ghost writer: "Six years ago is how you respond to the question "What date?" right?"

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY

Badgerman

Good move by the ghost writer to really make this book timeless

Juho

The only variable is how stupidly obvious the insurance scheme is.

1000 Space GDCs

That is some meticulously organized artwork.

gellaho

Kind of seems like treason would be the bigger crime than vandalism and a girl joi a cult, but that's just me

Juho

Well hey, it's good enough for YouTube.

Badgerman

The Hardy Boys investigate Mar a Lago in "The Apeman's Secret"!

Juho

Scrambling and encrypting a signal, that's the same thing, right? Edit: almost.

Brendan

Noah really took this cult from Jonestown to COBRA fast

gellaho

Sure, throw forgery on there too

FancyShark

TREASON?! Omigodomigod, please tell me Chet's comic is okay!

godless juice jakesy

Other various arts

Badgerman

No author for Hardy Boys has ever fucking understood the concept of "stakes"

godless juice jakesy

Sundry relics

1000 Space GDCs

Fenton learned all this while pulling a suspect's fingernails off.

Brendan

Treason's barely a crime.

Ollie North treasoned and he got a Fox show.

Badgerman

This is like the cops on Cop Rock arresting someone for "slavery"

Like, fucking what?

FancyShark

Miscellaneous artifacts

gellaho

Buzz has decided to come back, but, oh no, the boat!

Badgerman

NOT THE SLEUTH

gellaho

Maaaaaaaaaaaan

Badgerman

BELOVED BOAT, NO

FancyShark

"Sweaty Checking" is a bank-themed porno for sure

godless juice jakesy

Can't wait until they get their next boat, Sleuth 2

Badgerman

This book would fuck so hard if they'd just named the boat The Slooper Sleuth

Juho

Wait, it didn't explode? Boo!

godless juice jakesy

No computers on board

Badgerman

The sad part is you just know Nancy Drew would have blown this case wide open by now

FancyShark

Those wouldn't be invented for another 20 years. Or days. I'm still not clear on the time

gellaho

Remarkably, somebody remembered what Tony Prito's boat was called thirteen years later. And used it for a throwaway line in The Dead of Night

Badgerman

Tony, you're like fourth generation. Settle down

FancyShark

Does that mean Dead of Night was written by a Hardy Boys fan? Because that makes it even stupider

Juho

Ehh, anything for you-a bambino 'tectives!

gellaho

Get dunked on

FancyShark

Tony, you're from Detroit

Badgerman

Imagine if he'd landed in the boat and died on impact

gellaho

Considering they get very basic details about the plot within that book wrong? Yes

1000 Space GDCs

Does everyone have a boat for the purposes of this book?

FancyShark

It's been Waterworld the whole time

gellaho

Alright, getting hypnotic drugs involved

godless juice jakesy

This is the 50s or the 80s, everyone is rich off world war 2 or Gordon gekko shit

Badgerman

Fucking finally, we get to the drugs

FancyShark

Kids! Find your own secret Hardy decoder ring in every specially marked box of Culties!

Brendan

OH because I'm ITALIAN I just happen to have a transatlantic BOAT? Ey just kiddin' I'll take yiz out no problem.

Badgerman

Imagine if all the boats were wrecked and they had to build their own raft and Kon Tiki out after the Ark

1000 Space GDCs

Tony's uncle Luigi uses the boat when someone needs to sleep with the fishes.

gellaho

Cara-vajjo

Brendan

Chet was fine because he was huskoyant.

godless juice jakesy

Anyway, Tony Prito is going to hook you up with his cousin Vincenzo Mozzarel

Juho

Now Kon-Tiki started playing in my head.

gellaho

🇮🇹

Brendan

EYYYYY

FancyShark

And their good friend, Papa Mazzola Antipesto

Badgerman

We really needed an Italian person to tell us an Italian word was involved?

Brendan

I fricking knew Tony was going to pipe up with that.

We got dis ting, dis ting of ours

gellaho

Time to go to another museum!

FancyShark

Tony, seriously. You have a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" shirt

Badgerman

WHERE IS THE APEMAN

WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING HIM

gellaho

Michelangelo da Italiano

Ramb$ne Gracie

we call dis, a da spagheddi soup 🍜

godless juice jakesy

He's at the other cousins house, Silvio Mscusi

FancyShark

This art curator sounds like a sex machine

Juho

"It's a language only 60 million Italians people speaks, and some million Swiss, but that's it. Only if you know your calzone from your mozzarell will you know Italian surnames, such as that of one of the most celebrated painters ever. Lasagna"

gellaho

Joe then finds the painting in the houseboat

FancyShark

Tony pipes up. "Girl with Flower Basket is what we call a painting. Eh, fuggedaboudit."

godless juice jakesy

He found it in the houseboat of famed crime boss Venice Rigatoni

gellaho

Joe's a great lawyer

Ramb$ne Gracie

oh i heard he's cousins with the Borodinis

FancyShark

Who sleeps with the fishes after crossing Vinny Johnson, the Half-Italian

Badgerman

Sovcit Joe

Juho

ngl, the idea of storing a Caravaggio on a house boat disturbs me.

Ramb$ne Gracie

yeah nonfiction is harrowing

gellaho

Dude just lets them leave

Probably because the police might notice the giant stolen painting

FancyShark

Joe then hits the agent with a statue until he stops moving and says "you did it"

godless juice jakesy

Yeah you gotta age it in a cave for 3 years before you can shave it on some spaghett

gellaho

His father's "legitimate business"

Juho

"We didn't do a B&E, just trespassing! That's a lesser crime!"

Badgerman

"Pouring foundations" is absolutely a euphemism

Brendan

Dis heah's a paintin' a pizza an' skateboards an' ninjas. Id'z woit' ten million turtleshells

Wait are we still doing a deprecated racism?

FancyShark

Jesus, Tony. You could solve a lot of these problems by calling in some favors

Rachel

Always, Brendan. Always.

gellaho

Oh, thank Christ. ☑️ Redhead

FancyShark

YES

Juho

It's obviously a no-show job.

FancyShark

"For example, there are no Italian paintings by McCoy"

Badgerman

Are we ever going to learn the fucking Apeman's secret

godless juice jakesy

Señor Hacker

Badgerman

I was promised an Apeman and a secret

1000 Space GDCs

McCoy is a very traditional Italian name.

Brendan

We can't end until one shows up.

Rachel

Damn it Jim, it's-a-me!

1000 Space GDCs

Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an art authenticator.

Juho

Caravaggio's mother came from the Naples McCoys.

gellaho

They send in Biff to pretend to be a new recruit. It goes well

godless juice jakesy

I love that they keep just feeding gullible narc children to the cult

Badgerman

Man, anything to avoid putting themselves in actual danger I guess

Ramb$ne Gracie

time to get husky

FancyShark

Biff's barely had an hour of sleep after being deprogrammed, so he's a perfect choice

gellaho

And they are delighted they got their friend arrested

Rachel

does biff show up in every book? why does biff show up anywhere?

Badgerman

Biff got caught in a police sting, making him tonight's biggest loser

FancyShark

hahahaha, he's gonna get shanked. We're such pranksters!

Ramb$ne Gracie

he's too busy skateboarding into city hall

godless juice jakesy

Eh this is the 50s, who hasn't spend some time in the hoosegow

gellaho

That gets illustrated for some reason

godless juice jakesy

Or I guess it could be the 80s, who hasn't spent some time in the joint?

Badgerman

Yeah, sure, that's what a houseboat looks like I guess

gellaho

Biff's the bald one FYI. All the Hardy's friends are secretly old men

FancyShark

House + boat = houseboat

Brendan

Sometimes I suspect these illustrations came from the senior class of the local HS

Badgerman

Ghost illustrated by Chet

Rachel

the boat says northwest, but the characters and poses suggest florida

Juho

I wouldn't want portholes on the lower deck either.

gellaho

Or not arrested

gellaho

Heaven forbid a thing happen

FancyShark

Wow. So fuck you, audience, I guess

Ramb$ne Gracie

the secret is that the apeman painted it

FancyShark

Sam Radley and Mr. Hacker is a song by Dave Matthews, isn't it?

gellaho

The painting on the boat was the forgery btw

Ramb$ne Gracie

see the apeman painted it

Badgerman

Oh sure, naturally

Rachel

white boys not arrested, news at 10

gellaho

Back to one of the thirty plots

Badgerman

Chet is getting to be as bad as Justin

FancyShark

"And they said to never contact them again!"

godless juice jakesy

He sloppily waddled over as his voice plopped

Rachel

I forgot that every character had such terrible names

gellaho

Well, now you've upset Leslie

1000 Space GDCs

This ghost writer is just relentless on chet.

Juho

"We gave up already" is exactly how much anyone cares about Chet's bullshit.

FancyShark

Heaving and wheezing, his lungs sounding like wet balloons stuffed with peanuts

Brendan

I'm not saying I can do better, I'm just saying Star Comix would never buy this art.

Badgerman

I like how they held off on the Chet reveal as if any other fat people exist in this story

godless juice jakesy

Definitely caught his mom fucking Jackie Gleason

Juho

Mrs. Hershel said her 9th grade art project showed maturity beyond her years.

gellaho

1980 everyone

godless juice jakesy

Lol

Brendan

Who is that boy? That BEAUTIFUL, BOUNCING BOY!

Rachel

Damn it, @Brendan! She had to do this with her feet, you know!

godless juice jakesy

Ok so it's 50s or 1880s, got it

Rachel

I mean, i assume

Considering

Brendan

This is the lamest Biff.

FancyShark

They biffed this Biff

Badgerman

"Milkman's helper"

They really had fucking nothing to do back then huh

FancyShark

It was help the milkman or die in Korea. I mean, Vietnam

1000 Space GDCs

Milkman's helper is who gets called when a lonely housewife wants to get spit roasted.

Brendan

I have never in my life seen a milkman, and again, I grew up in real-life Bayport and worked at a dairy a half mile up the road.

gellaho

Fromed

Juho

What the hell does a guy whose job consists of "put milk in car, drive, milk out of car, repeat" need an assistant for?

FancyShark

Locks

1000 Space GDCs

Spitroasts

godless juice jakesy

You mean Zach Tyler's war in Mexico

Badgerman

So all this hullabaloo over a forged animation cel?

Brendan

It's amazing Mexico talks to us.

We are the worst neighbor.

Just the WORST neighbor.

gellaho

Who loves logistics!

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

FancyShark

They're looking at photographic proof of Bigfoot and thinking it's a comic book

godless juice jakesy

Lol yeah just call up the charter flight at midnight

Badgerman

Author I'm fucking dying here

Just tell us the apemans secret already for pity's sake

Juho

Yeah but you've bailed them out from defaulting on their debt quite a few times.

godless juice jakesy

He's going to be flying the plane

Juho

So, I guess it's an abusive depency.

gellaho

gasp

FancyShark

It's Aunt Gertrude

Badgerman

The villain was Greg Land all along!

FancyShark

Aunt Gertrude is the Apeman

gellaho

They get a call from the sweaty editor who got an anonymous tip about where the Apeman is hiding

Badgerman

Trace the trace, trace the inks, ink the trace, ink the inks. Perfectly logical

gellaho

It's a cave

Juho

It was those dastardly Brits, The Kinks!

Badgerman

JUST LIKE THE PICTURE

Juho

Taunting us in song...

Badgerman

THE INKS OF PROPHECY

1000 Space GDCs

I'm surprised they didn't call the flashlight a torch.

gellaho

They decide to throw things at the Apeman

godless juice jakesy

Unfortunately all they can see in the cave are shadows, for they are chained facing the wall

Wait did the rocks explode

FancyShark

Our heroes are throwing rocks and debris at a homeless man

1000 Space GDCs

Never provoke a drunk ape man you fools

gellaho

Twas Amboy

Badgerman

Aw god, it's gonna be that the actor was filming the tv show in costume got bonked on the head and thought he was the real Apeman

Brendan

ALFRED E NEUMAN

Brendan

Zack is MAD's mascot, confirmed.

Gallopin' grasshoppers!

gellaho

He seems of sound mind

Badgerman

Never mind. It was even dumber than this

FancyShark

"You've killed a lot of people, Amboy. And started a cult? I'm not sure. The writer sucks."

1000 Space GDCs

I'll be a monkey's uncle is a thing you definitely say when you regain consciousness in a cave.

gellaho

Or maybe the cult with the hypnotic injections?

gellaho

Eh, they'll get there eventually

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man I had to fix my glasses and I think I missed more than is good for following the plot in a normal book.

Brendan

I left for dinner, and it was like I missed nothing.

Just high seas tomfoolery.

Rachel

I'll be a monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle..

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah this is standard Hardy's Bumblefucking Around in A Cave scenario.

gellaho

Rollo!

godless juice jakesy

Yeah this whole book could have been an email

gellaho

Apeman gets around

Brendan

Ambling Apemen!

Badgerman

Amboy the Amazin' Amblin' Apeman

FancyShark

Meanwhile, Chet is waterboarding every comic artist who tells him his work needs improvement

gellaho

Cavemen love chloroform

gellaho

This investigation is going great

1000 Space GDCs

I love chloroform as a narrative device.

FancyShark

For god's sake, writer, culties are a delicious treat loved by kids AND adults. Stop trying to make this happen

Badgerman

How fortunate for Noah that Apemen are notoriously bad a tying knots

gellaho

Kayoed

Brendan

The name's Liefeld. CHET Liefeld.

Rachel

man the neurology business must be booming in bayside

Badgerman

Jesus, Apeman fucking Arkham Asylumed all those culties

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Certainly not helmet sales.

Badgerman

Using all his fancy Apegadgets

Brendan

The real novel is in someone playing Ten Little Agathas with Blackwater mercs BONK BONK BONK

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

D'you think Apeman has Detective Vision?

gellaho

How dare you try to take that girl from my clutches!

Badgerman

He mostly just hunts by sight and smashes anything that moves

FancyShark

Heyyyy! They remembered her!

Rachel

nope, thank god the libertarians fought for freedom from helmet safety laws

Brendan

"Officer, these perverts tried to steal my barely legal sex cultist"

Badgerman

"You're trying to kidnap what I rightfully stole!"

FancyShark

"We're terribly sorry, Mr. Seagal"

Rachel

if i had a dollar for every time i heard that exact phrase id be rich

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's NOT FAIR!" he screamed as he flipped his cape.

Brendan

In Connecticut we passed a helmet law and then motorcyclists got it REPEALED on the grounds that it was worse to live with injuries than one good deathbonk.

It was actually a topic of some discussion before you arrived.

FancyShark

At least you've always got fresh organ donations

1000 Space GDCs

These so called detectives are trying to rescue the girl I'm legitimately trafficking!

Brendan

They do a rally every year to celebrate helmetlessness, and yes, I do believe people have died doing it.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean fair, I'd rather die peacefully than live with the medical debt.

gellaho

They go to Rollo's rented cottage near Bayport (gasp). He's rolling in dough apparently

FancyShark

"Piecefully"

Brendan

There was a sweet spot briefly where we had future medtech AND health coverage.

Rachel

er, yknow, cause of my criminal law experience

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah of course. And nothing else.

Badgerman

Buddy, if you think a limo is gonna be fine on a beach, I got news for you

Rachel

Well i guess they can't consider themselves pro-life

FancyShark

Rollo saw a cult cruise and thought "That would be a perfect cover to kidnap a woman"