The Book Cage Episode 79 - The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #39: Flesh and Blood
Had a real struggle finding something to fit in for the spooky season. However, I figured that what's more spooky than a mysterious identity? A deadly storm? Or...betrayal? Et tu, Chet? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we discover if the real villains were the friends we made along the way.
I did find a couple of things we will probably do in the future, but they are of the highly annoying variety and I am far too tired to deal with that right now.
Chet finally got tired of the narration fatshaming him and he's taking this whole bitch ass town down with him
Good for Chet, tbh
I love the dynamic posing on these covers.
Christopher Pike book covers have the same sort of chaotic energy.
It leads to so many great rewrites of the titles
and of course I can't find any now
"Help! Why is this turning me on!?"
That's just Battle Dome: the Novelization
Commander finally snaps and murders Odell
Liefeldian chest on this fella
He's got that perfect toilet bowl torso that drives the ladies crazy
Chest cancer. We lose a lot of Captains America that way.
He could be a Spider Man using his power of chest expansion
Jesus Christ every time I see one of those book covers I get wild deja vu. I'm quickly starting to think the "I read a couple of them as a kid" I believed is probably "I read every last one of them"
A little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles #39: Flesh and Blood. Have fun with today's preview.
Man they got really avant garde with these inside covers
Why haven't I written that last paragraph? I'm a fraud.
You should always have something to aspire to
If you can, I implore you to listen to gellaho's audiobook readings of Dead of Night. Everyone needs to witness the stupidest plot we've found yet
stuck doing dumb work stuff. I'll be a bit late to the read. Someone please keep track of how many Callies they go through
Once again, you should simply tell them to suck it
Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind
At any rate, time to begin
I make that same pose whenever the microwave beeps
Vogueing at explosions is how you keep your organs from liquifying.
I'm not sure how I expected this to begin, but this sure wasn't it
Huh. When I started that paragraph I was prepared for a bomb.
One of those new england tornadoes.
Cyclone season starting early this year I see
New England tornadoes are full of lobsters so I can see why he's stunned
Also, Frank, who has witnessed many murders, finds some property damage worse than a nightmare
I'm sure these three teens are the best people to deal with the cleanup
They're uncovering the horror movie villain so they can do the dramatic hand shot right before cut to black/roll credits
Well good for them for pitching in I guess. Weird way to start your mystery book for kids tho.
Chet was perfectly capable of lifting the roof by himself, but doesn't want to attract attention.
Chet not exactly showing the right level of concern for this nearly dead man
Now, I know this series makes a lot of weird logical leaps, but. Chet can't actually be a weather wizard, right?
Huh. Well he hangs out with Frank and Joe so a little sociopathy has to rub off
Like, he can't have actually summoned a tornado?
More helpful than Callie though, who has decided this tornado is a real hoot
Oh thank god, we'll be famous from local disaster reporting
what's a new shawk?
Maybe if we get some juicy roll of the carnage we can even get our TikTok off the ground!
oh, i see, it means 'unpaid intern'
Well yeah if not for the tornado she wouldn't have been decanted til next year. Now she's living the high life as her previous ten sisters are greasy stains on buildings and trees.
We got a horny and meta ghostwriter this time
Finally.
An early Joss Whedon manuscript, perhaps?
Oh shit Hardy Time
Joe had once thought of dating Liz, but was deterred by the pepper spray and restraining order
"What Joe liked best about Liz was largely superficial and hormone-driven, with no actual respect for her as a person"
Really weird energy you're bringing to this book for tweens, ghostwriter
Joe Hardy / the cooler Joe Hardy
Okay wow this is thirstier than I was expecting.
Hardest thing to believe is Joe is a heartthrob.
I'm sure the injured man is very appreciative of all these teens surrounding him with their terrible banter
"He was exactly like Joe in every way but people liked him better. Joe wondered why that was"
Here's what DALL-E thinks cool Hardy Boys look like, complete with exploding computers obviously
First responders are backed up behind the Three Stooges tapping their foot and checking their watches
Introducing: Dark Chet
Meanwhile the guy they pulled the roof off of still has rebar embedded in his torso.
Martin Mangieri
Why are we introducing all these mirror universe counterparts
Did that tornado open a rift to Bayport in the Upside Down or something
Fat kids love looting.
AI thinks cool = blind forty year olds
Also this is just Bulk from Power Rangers
It got the explosions right at least
100%, tip to tail, this is a Bulk ripoff
Aw they missed a chance to give him a nickname like "The Mangler"
Martin sounds like someone I would have smoked a joint with in high school.
The doritos and mountain dew give Mangieri power
Holy shit, he threw a TV at them and then they jumped over it?
What kind of fucking Streets of Rage nonsense is this?
Short and fat but runs from boy cops like a deer.
these were 90s CRTs, too. Mirror Chet is STRONK
Low center of gravity. Easier to build up momentum
Yeah but he won't be running for long.
Joe's one physical gift is speed. The speed to run headlong into a fight he always loses
He's like a fullback though, low man wins
He just has to outrun the Hardies until they puncture their artery on house wreckage
Lmao, he just held up his fist and Joe ran straight into it
It's better to stand and throw down. He's already put Joe down.
Joe's body-shaming assumptions have caused several problems for him so far
These ghostwriters hate the Fats
That must have been in the contract
Really disappointed this ghostwriter didn't get the "always capitalize" Dumpster memo
Also, Mangieri is out for blood for these electronics
He no longer has
Dude, he set a murder trap for a couple teenagers. This dude is bad news
Joe has been hit in the head with harder things than wood
TVs were expensive back then. You could take one to a pawn shop and get enough to make your rent AND get money for crack.
Joe's not the best at insults.
Also, I guess Don's just watching this for some reason
Don doesn't know the dynamic of Bayport yet, he's just feeling out the vibe
Mangieri takes himself out
Man it must be really puzzling to Don if this is the first time he's seen teen vigilantes in action.
Self disposing punks! Buy three and get the fourth free!
That'll teach him to steal 80 dollars worth of tube tvs
Lol Bayport still has ambulance service after a tornado. How quaint.
Chet is gonna get on national TV with Mike Myers and say George Bush doesn't care about fat people
And I guess this teen stealing TVs has connections with the mob somehow
The old CRT racket
Obviously the cleanest way to get to this plot point was tornado
Yeah his last name might as well be Pastasauciano, of course he's mobbed up. Not racist at all ghostwriter.
Hi all, passing through before guests come over for a drink.
This one's a tough one to miss and it's my own fault.
Put this shit on the big screen and give your guests a real treat.
Yeah, Mangieri seems like the kind of hard scrabble teen who'd know about possible assassinations
If they can't handle you at your Hot Dog they don't deserve you at your Hardy.
"What's to explain? Your narc ass Dad has a hit on him. Duh."
It's funny but......is there ever a time when it can be assumed nobody currently wants Fenton dead?
jeez, I open the mail for two minutes and Fenton bites it
Why, is Fenton ill?
Get it, like the drug
I mean, the first case you guys had was against a group of international terrorists literally called "The Assassins"
Probably should be on the lookout for hitmen at all times anyway
Yeah, who could want Fenton Hardy dead, certainly not Murder Incorporated
Seemed prudent.
If you told me everyone who ever met the Hardy family wanted to kill them I don't think you would be that wrong.
And only half of people who have met the Hardies are actually criminals!
Frank, maybe mention the murder before the fake theme park scheme
Mock…is selling shares…in a fake corporation
Is the murderer named Don Killington
That's it!
Leonard Mock hired the tornado!!
Close
We know the Italians are going to be named like Luigi Spumoni but you don't have to name every character after what they do or where they come from
Jeez that escalated quickly from theme park fraud to murder
Is this all backstory for the tutorial hit in Blood Money?
Those damn Mock trials
Somehow Leonard Mock has returned was commuted
Damn he's got a competent attorney.
I see we're getting the most hot headed of Joes this time out
Joe......who would hire a fat teen dip shit to murder a cop?
Proof that Frank is indeed a robot
Joe has some kind of Manchurian Candidate programming, if you say someone killed Fenton Hardy he'll just blind murder-charge his way straight to them
Thinking at computer speed meant something different back then. It took a lot of time to retrieve data.
Hahaha good call
Italians: They're just like us!
Franks sitting there with AOL dial tone sound in his head
Sounds more like you know were Mock was
Frank's hard drive has a whole five hundred megabytes.
Sounds like some Propaganda Italiana
Did- did he really think he's just stood there in front of the parole officer for two days?
Or does ghostwriter not know how to edit?
Yes.
In 1990? He wishes he had that AOL speed
Straight from Foreign Minister Leonardo Bolognese
Frank is loading Compuserve at 300 bps
Mock is the bad guy from Rock n Rule
I had a friend in 1992 who had some kind of gorgeous like...2D avatar chat room that I absolutely cannot understand how it was able to run.
Christ on a bike
I don't know the name, I only know it was 64 colors and everyone had an avatar and that seems impossible back then.
Riley giving a very subtle hint to the Hardy Boys
Aeon Flux Clown Judge is my Halloween costume now.
The tornado was in on it!
"We've been very strongly advised to NOT leave a snubnose with no-print grip tape outside his cell with the gate locked and the security cameras off"
Hahaha he really did hire the tornado what the fuck
Riley you already pointed these kids at that guy, just tell them his address so they can murder him like you obviously want them to.
Seems like the police would be aware of the fact that the jail was destroyed and all the prisoners escaped.
I have some questions. Such as (1) How quickly does mold grow in Bayport and (2) what the fuck are they doing in chemistry class
Clothes and papers and books and debris and commas
Ghostwriter lifted that paragraph from their post Twister fanfiction.
You would think, but they're all busy parking their cruisers under the elevated tracks and looking for someone to arrest five minutes before shift ends so they can log four hours of overtime
It's a halfway house with a misleading name
The same thing anyone does In chemistry class. Try to make explosives or drugs
Chemistry class taught by one Professor Spengler during the ghostbusting off season
Pillows and pillowcases!?!? Yowza!
Yeah, nobody could use any of this shit in the county wide disaster zone, don't call it in or nothing
Joe returns to find another list of things. Oh, and a guy about to kill Frank
We'll miss you I say as I show up late
Instantly I know Frank had it coming.
I'm sure those wet pillows would have been a great help
Wring em out, throw em in the dryer, good as new
Have you not seen Rock n Rule? It's not good but it's got a completely bananas last ten minutes
Dude swung so hard he exploded the board
I caught some of this about an Evil Chet? What sorcery are we dealing with?
One of those cheap sweatshop single use boards with nails in
This is why you buy American
But not so strong that a desk cannot defeat him
Aw this came so close to Frank meeting his very Story of Ricky demise
He screamed articulately too
Frank Hardy Arrested; Local Teen Detective Speared Man into Unsafe Desk
What, is this guy some kind of underground dweller?
Oh shit, he really is Nosferatu
Looking good
So cool the Hardy boys just genre shifted to Condemned: Criminal Origins!
Oh no, never mind. He's a Nosferatu, not the Nosferatu
Ah, it's the previous town heartthrob
Ghostwriter busting out some sick lines
OOOHHH DDDAAAAMMMMN
Get fucking dunked on, unhoused and unwell man forgotten by society
Joe knew what he had to do. He killed the man.
He told himself it was a mercy, and that's what he told investigators too, when they found the corpse.
Frank would kill him and Joe would eat him to hide the evidence.
Physical afflictions are an outward manifestation of evil, I thought we all knew that.
The Hardys are being beset by a ghoul
Hahaha the fuck is this Vampire larp bullshit
Cobra Commander?
"Itchy. Tasty."
the rehab center was actually a front for one of Fenton's blacksites.
Fuckin Pickman up in here.
I can't believe we haven't met the local snakeman before now
Hardysesss! We hates them forever, my preciousss.
This sickly hitman is very persistent
Yes, when a wraith reaches into its pocket, it can only be to get ID
Covid really changed Agent 47
I mean you guys already kicked his ass and from the sound of it it's not the first time.
Certainly their most deadly foe yet
This is how you show the heroes are white without saying it
Haha what?
"Huh. Zombie. He must have ID."
This fucking zombie is the big bad?
He's barely a Walking Dead extra
Leonard Mock is the Earth-2 Rex Moran
I didn't know evil wizards were involved in fake theme park scams
Hershel would blast this dude's head off with a shotgun in a rapid cut between two other characters having a conversation
Oh, yeah, the kids are loving this
That's right, kids. Cancer makes nosferatus.
Lol Frank. They don't commute sentences for that. Lmao.
Mock's insurance must be real dogshit if he can only afford a sewer
Jesus, I didn't make the cancer joke on purpose because I thought it was too mean. The fuck, ghostwriter
But, loves the local newsletter
Time to go host. Later skaters.
Later, Brendan!
What do you mean, "suddenly?"
And then… you still didn't want him dead?
Guess a lung just gave out
Deflated like a balloon
Martin Mangieri sounds like he should be selling ice cream while a small monkey turns the crank on an organ
Leonard giving a lot of mixed signals vis-a-vis murder
Leonard, I think you need to reassess your options
"You know, cos he kinda stole my life from me?"
"I feel real good about all my crimes, but fuck your bitch ass narc dad, twerps!"
Time to lay down a curse
IT'S CHET
CHET PALPATINE
And with that, Mock explodes into a cloud of bats
The bats also have cancer
"Yeah, I killed a guy! So, what? My life is what's important!"
That deal with Nurgle did not go so well for him
It's always nice to see some father and son revenge plotting.
The family that slays together stays together
Parents, if you don't talk to your kids about revenge, who will?
Bet it's fuckin Don.
Whaaaat? No, he just moved here this book! Couldn't be
Mock really doesn't want to blame the cigarettes
"They're so smooth! How could they betray me?!"
This dude is having a fucking Shakespearean death monologue
Wait no that's not how full circle works, did you get brain cancer my dude?
His son was the tornado
you guys have said that a couple of times, and I don't know where you got that idea
In my defense this is like my third Book Cage
I am not up to date on the deep lore
The names are too bland! We can't retain them!
All characters don't exist until we see them
Plus it's funnier if he just shows the fuck up like a Scooby Doo guest.
We've barely been this early. And this is still 39
Con Riley is not fucking around this time
I'm sowwy
Riley is my favorite non-Chet. He's just waiting for the day he can bury these two