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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 79 - The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #39: Flesh and Blood
Had a real struggle finding something to fit in for the spooky season. However, I figured that what's more spooky than a mysterious identity? A deadly storm? Or...betrayal? Et tu, Chet? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we discover if the real villains were the friends we made along the way.
gellaho
gellaho
I did find a couple of things we will probably do in the future, but they are of the highly annoying variety and I am far too tired to deal with that right now.
Badgerman
Chet finally got tired of the narration fatshaming him and he's taking this whole bitch ass town down with him
Good for Chet, tbh
Ozzie
I love the dynamic posing on these covers.
Christopher Pike book covers have the same sort of chaotic energy.
FancyShark
It leads to so many great rewrites of the titles
FancyShark
and of course I can't find any now
Ozzie
"Help! Why is this turning me on!?"
Ramb$ne Gracie
That's just Battle Dome: the Novelization
Badgerman
Commander finally snaps and murders Odell
Rachel
Liefeldian chest on this fella
Badgerman
He's got that perfect toilet bowl torso that drives the ladies crazy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chest cancer. We lose a lot of Captains America that way.
Badgerman
He could be a Spider Man using his power of chest expansion
dr skull
Jesus Christ every time I see one of those book covers I get wild deja vu. I'm quickly starting to think the "I read a couple of them as a kid" I believed is probably "I read every last one of them"
gellaho
A little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles #39: Flesh and Blood. Have fun with today's preview.
Badgerman
Man they got really avant garde with these inside covers
BlindMonkey
Why haven't I written that last paragraph? I'm a fraud.
Nonexistent entity Thrillho
You should always have something to aspire to
FancyShark
If you can, I implore you to listen to gellaho's audiobook readings of Dead of Night. Everyone needs to witness the stupidest plot we've found yet
FancyShark
stuck doing dumb work stuff. I'll be a bit late to the read. Someone please keep track of how many Callies they go through
gellaho
Once again, you should simply tell them to suck it
FancyShark
Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind
gellaho
At any rate, time to begin
FancyShark
I make that same pose whenever the microwave beeps
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Vogueing at explosions is how you keep your organs from liquifying.
gellaho
I'm not sure how I expected this to begin, but this sure wasn't it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huh. When I started that paragraph I was prepared for a bomb.
1000 Space GDCs
One of those new england tornadoes.
Badgerman
Cyclone season starting early this year I see
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
New England tornadoes are full of lobsters so I can see why he's stunned
1000 Space GDCs
Also, Frank, who has witnessed many murders, finds some property damage worse than a nightmare
gellaho
I'm sure these three teens are the best people to deal with the cleanup
Badgerman
They're uncovering the horror movie villain so they can do the dramatic hand shot right before cut to black/roll credits
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well good for them for pitching in I guess. Weird way to start your mystery book for kids tho.
1000 Space GDCs
Chet was perfectly capable of lifting the roof by himself, but doesn't want to attract attention.
gellaho
Chet not exactly showing the right level of concern for this nearly dead man
Badgerman
Now, I know this series makes a lot of weird logical leaps, but. Chet can't actually be a weather wizard, right?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huh. Well he hangs out with Frank and Joe so a little sociopathy has to rub off
Badgerman
Like, he can't have actually summoned a tornado?
gellaho
More helpful than Callie though, who has decided this tornado is a real hoot
Badgerman
Oh thank god, we'll be famous from local disaster reporting
1000 Space GDCs
what's a new shawk?
Badgerman
Maybe if we get some juicy roll of the carnage we can even get our TikTok off the ground!
1000 Space GDCs
oh, i see, it means 'unpaid intern'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well yeah if not for the tornado she wouldn't have been decanted til next year. Now she's living the high life as her previous ten sisters are greasy stains on buildings and trees.
gellaho
We got a horny and meta ghostwriter this time
LyraV
Finally.
Badgerman
An early Joss Whedon manuscript, perhaps?
godless juice jakesy
Oh shit Hardy Time
1000 Space GDCs
Joe had once thought of dating Liz, but was deterred by the pepper spray and restraining order
Badgerman
"What Joe liked best about Liz was largely superficial and hormone-driven, with no actual respect for her as a person"
gellaho
Really weird energy you're bringing to this book for tweens, ghostwriter
Badgerman
Joe Hardy / the cooler Joe Hardy
LyraV
Okay wow this is thirstier than I was expecting.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hardest thing to believe is Joe is a heartthrob.
gellaho
I'm sure the injured man is very appreciative of all these teens surrounding him with their terrible banter
Badgerman
"He was exactly like Joe in every way but people liked him better. Joe wondered why that was"
godless juice jakesy
Here's what DALL-E thinks cool Hardy Boys look like, complete with exploding computers obviously
Badgerman
First responders are backed up behind the Three Stooges tapping their foot and checking their watches
gellaho
Introducing: Dark Chet
1000 Space GDCs
Meanwhile the guy they pulled the roof off of still has rebar embedded in his torso.
godless juice jakesy
Martin Mangieri
Badgerman
Why are we introducing all these mirror universe counterparts
Did that tornado open a rift to Bayport in the Upside Down or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fat kids love looting.
gellaho
AI thinks cool = blind forty year olds
Badgerman
Also this is just Bulk from Power Rangers
godless juice jakesy
It got the explosions right at least
Badgerman
100%, tip to tail, this is a Bulk ripoff
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw they missed a chance to give him a nickname like "The Mangler"
LyraV
Martin sounds like someone I would have smoked a joint with in high school.
gellaho
The doritos and mountain dew give Mangieri power
Badgerman
Holy shit, he threw a TV at them and then they jumped over it?
What kind of fucking Streets of Rage nonsense is this?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Short and fat but runs from boy cops like a deer.
1000 Space GDCs
these were 90s CRTs, too. Mirror Chet is STRONK
Badgerman
Low center of gravity. Easier to build up momentum
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah but he won't be running for long.
gellaho
Joe's one physical gift is speed. The speed to run headlong into a fight he always loses
godless juice jakesy
He's like a fullback though, low man wins
Badgerman
He just has to outrun the Hardies until they puncture their artery on house wreckage
Lmao, he just held up his fist and Joe ran straight into it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's better to stand and throw down. He's already put Joe down.
1000 Space GDCs
Joe's body-shaming assumptions have caused several problems for him so far
godless juice jakesy
These ghostwriters hate the Fats
1000 Space GDCs
That must have been in the contract
gellaho
Really disappointed this ghostwriter didn't get the "always capitalize" Dumpster memo
gellaho
Also, Mangieri is out for blood for these electronics
He no longer has
Badgerman
Dude, he set a murder trap for a couple teenagers. This dude is bad news
1000 Space GDCs
Joe has been hit in the head with harder things than wood
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
TVs were expensive back then. You could take one to a pawn shop and get enough to make your rent AND get money for crack.
gellaho
Joe's not the best at insults.
gellaho
Also, I guess Don's just watching this for some reason
Badgerman
Don doesn't know the dynamic of Bayport yet, he's just feeling out the vibe
gellaho
Mangieri takes himself out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man it must be really puzzling to Don if this is the first time he's seen teen vigilantes in action.
Badgerman
Self disposing punks! Buy three and get the fourth free!
godless juice jakesy
That'll teach him to steal 80 dollars worth of tube tvs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol Bayport still has ambulance service after a tornado. How quaint.
Badgerman
Chet is gonna get on national TV with Mike Myers and say George Bush doesn't care about fat people
gellaho
And I guess this teen stealing TVs has connections with the mob somehow
Badgerman
The old CRT racket
gellaho
Obviously the cleanest way to get to this plot point was tornado
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah his last name might as well be Pastasauciano, of course he's mobbed up. Not racist at all ghostwriter.
Brendan
Hi all, passing through before guests come over for a drink.
This one's a tough one to miss and it's my own fault.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Put this shit on the big screen and give your guests a real treat.
gellaho
Yeah, Mangieri seems like the kind of hard scrabble teen who'd know about possible assassinations
Brendan
If they can't handle you at your Hot Dog they don't deserve you at your Hardy.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What's to explain? Your narc ass Dad has a hit on him. Duh."
It's funny but......is there ever a time when it can be assumed nobody currently wants Fenton dead?
Badgerman
jeez, I open the mail for two minutes and Fenton bites it
godless juice jakesy
Why, is Fenton ill?
Get it, like the drug
gellaho
I mean, the first case you guys had was against a group of international terrorists literally called "The Assassins"
gellaho
Probably should be on the lookout for hitmen at all times anyway
Badgerman
Yeah, who could want Fenton Hardy dead, certainly not Murder Incorporated
LyraV
Seemed prudent.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If you told me everyone who ever met the Hardy family wanted to kill them I don't think you would be that wrong.
Badgerman
And only half of people who have met the Hardies are actually criminals!
gellaho
Frank, maybe mention the murder before the fake theme park scheme
godless juice jakesy
Mock…is selling shares…in a fake corporation
Is the murderer named Don Killington
Badgerman
That's it!
Leonard Mock hired the tornado!!
gellaho
Close
godless juice jakesy
We know the Italians are going to be named like Luigi Spumoni but you don't have to name every character after what they do or where they come from
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeez that escalated quickly from theme park fraud to murder
Badgerman
Is this all backstory for the tutorial hit in Blood Money?
gellaho
Those damn Mock trials
Badgerman
Somehow Leonard Mock has returned was commuted
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn he's got a competent attorney.
gellaho
I see we're getting the most hot headed of Joes this time out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe......who would hire a fat teen dip shit to murder a cop?
gellaho
Proof that Frank is indeed a robot
Badgerman
Joe has some kind of Manchurian Candidate programming, if you say someone killed Fenton Hardy he'll just blind murder-charge his way straight to them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thinking at computer speed meant something different back then. It took a lot of time to retrieve data.
godless juice jakesy
Hahaha good call
Brendan
Italians: They're just like us!
godless juice jakesy
Franks sitting there with AOL dial tone sound in his head
gellaho
Sounds more like you know were Mock was
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank's hard drive has a whole five hundred megabytes.
gellaho
Sounds like some Propaganda Italiana
Badgerman
Did- did he really think he's just stood there in front of the parole officer for two days?
Or does ghostwriter not know how to edit?
LyraV
Yes.
gellaho
In 1990? He wishes he had that AOL speed
godless juice jakesy
Straight from Foreign Minister Leonardo Bolognese
Brendan
Frank is loading Compuserve at 300 bps
Agent of Fortune
Mock is the bad guy from Rock n Rule
Brendan
I had a friend in 1992 who had some kind of gorgeous like...2D avatar chat room that I absolutely cannot understand how it was able to run.
Agent of Fortune
Badgerman
Christ on a bike
Brendan
I don't know the name, I only know it was 64 colors and everyone had an avatar and that seems impossible back then.
gellaho
Riley giving a very subtle hint to the Hardy Boys
Brendan
Aeon Flux Clown Judge is my Halloween costume now.
gellaho
The tornado was in on it!
Badgerman
"We've been very strongly advised to NOT leave a snubnose with no-print grip tape outside his cell with the gate locked and the security cameras off"
Badgerman
Hahaha he really did hire the tornado what the fuck
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Riley you already pointed these kids at that guy, just tell them his address so they can murder him like you obviously want them to.
1000 Space GDCs
Seems like the police would be aware of the fact that the jail was destroyed and all the prisoners escaped.
gellaho
I have some questions. Such as (1) How quickly does mold grow in Bayport and (2) what the fuck are they doing in chemistry class
Badgerman
Clothes and papers and books and debris and commas
LyraV
Ghostwriter lifted that paragraph from their post Twister fanfiction.
Brendan
You would think, but they're all busy parking their cruisers under the elevated tracks and looking for someone to arrest five minutes before shift ends so they can log four hours of overtime
gellaho
It's a halfway house with a misleading name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The same thing anyone does In chemistry class. Try to make explosives or drugs
Badgerman
Chemistry class taught by one Professor Spengler during the ghostbusting off season
gellaho
Pillows and pillowcases!?!? Yowza!
Badgerman
Yeah, nobody could use any of this shit in the county wide disaster zone, don't call it in or nothing
gellaho
Joe returns to find another list of things. Oh, and a guy about to kill Frank
FancyShark
We'll miss you I say as I show up late
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Instantly I know Frank had it coming.
gellaho
I'm sure those wet pillows would have been a great help
Badgerman
Wring em out, throw em in the dryer, good as new
Agent of Fortune
Have you not seen Rock n Rule? It's not good but it's got a completely bananas last ten minutes
gellaho
Dude swung so hard he exploded the board
FancyShark
I caught some of this about an Evil Chet? What sorcery are we dealing with?
Badgerman
One of those cheap sweatshop single use boards with nails in
This is why you buy American
gellaho
But not so strong that a desk cannot defeat him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw this came so close to Frank meeting his very Story of Ricky demise
FancyShark
He screamed articulately too
Badgerman
Frank Hardy Arrested; Local Teen Detective Speared Man into Unsafe Desk
gellaho
What, is this guy some kind of underground dweller?
Badgerman
Oh shit, he really is Nosferatu
gellaho
Looking good
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So cool the Hardy boys just genre shifted to Condemned: Criminal Origins!
Badgerman
Oh no, never mind. He's a Nosferatu, not the Nosferatu
FancyShark
Ah, it's the previous town heartthrob
gellaho
Ghostwriter busting out some sick lines
FancyShark
OOOHHH DDDAAAAMMMMN
Badgerman
Get fucking dunked on, unhoused and unwell man forgotten by society
FancyShark
Joe knew what he had to do. He killed the man.
Badgerman
He told himself it was a mercy, and that's what he told investigators too, when they found the corpse.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank would kill him and Joe would eat him to hide the evidence.
Brendan
Physical afflictions are an outward manifestation of evil, I thought we all knew that.
gellaho
The Hardys are being beset by a ghoul
Badgerman
Hahaha the fuck is this Vampire larp bullshit
LyraV
Cobra Commander?
FancyShark
"Itchy. Tasty."
1000 Space GDCs
the rehab center was actually a front for one of Fenton's blacksites.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Pickman up in here.
FancyShark
I can't believe we haven't met the local snakeman before now
1000 Space GDCs
Hardysesss! We hates them forever, my preciousss.
gellaho
This sickly hitman is very persistent
FancyShark
Yes, when a wraith reaches into its pocket, it can only be to get ID
Badgerman
Covid really changed Agent 47
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean you guys already kicked his ass and from the sound of it it's not the first time.
gellaho
Certainly their most deadly foe yet
FancyShark
This is how you show the heroes are white without saying it
Badgerman
Haha what?
FancyShark
"Huh. Zombie. He must have ID."
Badgerman
This fucking zombie is the big bad?
He's barely a Walking Dead extra
FancyShark
Leonard Mock is the Earth-2 Rex Moran
gellaho
I didn't know evil wizards were involved in fake theme park scams
Badgerman
Hershel would blast this dude's head off with a shotgun in a rapid cut between two other characters having a conversation
gellaho
Oh, yeah, the kids are loving this
FancyShark
That's right, kids. Cancer makes nosferatus.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol Frank. They don't commute sentences for that. Lmao.
FancyShark
Mock's insurance must be real dogshit if he can only afford a sewer
Badgerman
Jesus, I didn't make the cancer joke on purpose because I thought it was too mean. The fuck, ghostwriter
gellaho
But, loves the local newsletter
gellaho
Brendan
Time to go host. Later skaters.
FancyShark
Later, Brendan!
gellaho
What do you mean, "suddenly?"
Badgerman
And then… you still didn't want him dead?
FancyShark
Guess a lung just gave out
Badgerman
Deflated like a balloon
FancyShark
Martin Mangieri sounds like he should be selling ice cream while a small monkey turns the crank on an organ
gellaho
Leonard giving a lot of mixed signals vis-a-vis murder
gellaho
FancyShark
Leonard, I think you need to reassess your options
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You know, cos he kinda stole my life from me?"
Badgerman
"I feel real good about all my crimes, but fuck your bitch ass narc dad, twerps!"
gellaho
Time to lay down a curse
Badgerman
IT'S CHET
CHET PALPATINE
FancyShark
And with that, Mock explodes into a cloud of bats
The bats also have cancer
gellaho
"Yeah, I killed a guy! So, what? My life is what's important!"
Badgerman
That deal with Nurgle did not go so well for him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's always nice to see some father and son revenge plotting.
Badgerman
The family that slays together stays together
FancyShark
Parents, if you don't talk to your kids about revenge, who will?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bet it's fuckin Don.
Badgerman
Whaaaat? No, he just moved here this book! Couldn't be
gellaho
Mock really doesn't want to blame the cigarettes
FancyShark
"They're so smooth! How could they betray me?!"
Badgerman
This dude is having a fucking Shakespearean death monologue
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait no that's not how full circle works, did you get brain cancer my dude?
gellaho
FancyShark
His son was the tornado
gellaho
you guys have said that a couple of times, and I don't know where you got that idea
Badgerman
In my defense this is like my third Book Cage
I am not up to date on the deep lore
FancyShark
The names are too bland! We can't retain them!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All characters don't exist until we see them
Plus it's funnier if he just shows the fuck up like a Scooby Doo guest.
gellaho
We've barely been this early. And this is still 39
Con Riley is not fucking around this time
gellaho
I'm sowwy
FancyShark
Riley is my favorite non-Chet. He's just waiting for the day he can bury these two
Badgerman
"You're too close to the suspect! Stay off the case! Because this rat fuck is mine."
"I called revenge dibs and everything!"
FancyShark
"My condolences on your partner being murdered by a skeleton in a skinsuit"
gellaho
Nothing weird, just a murderer stalking several teens
Badgerman
Mr. Pizza
1000 Space GDCs
We'd better go dig up your partner and put a stake through his heart, just in case.
FancyShark
Mr. Pizza was the second name after "WE ARE NOT A FRONT"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay Mr. Pizza is a good name for a pizza place, well played.
gellaho
Good to know that some kind of shirt went out of style, very descriptive
1000 Space GDCs
The Mr. Pizza is in between the Mr. Coffee and the Mr. Radar
Badgerman
It's like the Mr. Coffee guys wanted to diversify but keep the brand recognition fuck scooped
gellaho
Tony Prito only works for the best
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mr. Pizza and the Animatronic Sunshine Hoedown.
FancyShark
He's an honest business man
I hope the shirt is a leisure suit
gellaho
Also, great job not describing the kid either
Very helpful for this clue
Badgerman
Oh fuck, he's bringing in Bobby Kindergarten? That dude's a menace
Deadliest Hitman east of the Mississippi
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mr. Pizza is like seven feet tall and built like Schwarzenegger......
FancyShark
Bobby don't fuck around. For $5K and a juice box, he'll make any problem go away
Badgerman
He is getting the feeling of pumping with the dough toss, he is getting the feeling of pumping with the brick oven
gellaho
Callie is on Frank's dork level
Badgerman
PIZZA KING
Agent of Fortune
There's a local chain called Pizza Man
FancyShark
"Bone Crusher" makes sense with all the vertebrae Joe's lost
Badgerman
A weapon to surpass even Mr. Pizza
gellaho
Not annoying at all, Callie
1000 Space GDCs
He's called bone crusher because of how many separate parts his skull is, now.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw this Callie is fun. I'm going to miss her when she denatures into protein slurry.
Badgerman
Jesus, just fucking use normal words, Callie, you twee nerd
FancyShark
What's really sad is this isn't Callie Mk. 1
Badgerman
Oh cool, we have both the Callie viewpoints together
FancyShark
But she doesn't know that
1000 Space GDCs
Also if you're going to be a pedant about radio callsigns, at least be consistent in your use of 'over'
gellaho
Hot-headed and catty Joe, sick
Rachel
ooh how far into the book cage are we?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assume a bunch died in the tornado, at least a years worth
Badgerman
He had asked Liz not Don, who I assume is one entity because there was no comma
FancyShark
There's an Evil Chet and a zombie hitman with cancer
Rachel
Nice
gellaho
Good to know that every girl in this town is annoying
Rachel
Joe can't yet put his finger on Don
FancyShark
Maybe the way Don had a boner while talking about the morgue
gellaho
Fuck off, Liz, you're in high school
Badgerman
Is dead issues a dated joke I'm too cool to get
FancyShark
"Also, he was talking in the sewers and the echoes carried up through my toilet."
Badgerman
Actually getting a big head after being given even a little responsibility is a very high schooler move. Good characterization, ghostwriter!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just more journo slang
FancyShark
It's just J talk
gellaho
How dare Don make fun of Joe's... many girlfriends?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"numerous"
FancyShark
Don is so close to discovering how many deaths are on Joe's head
Badgerman
Ghost writer knew there was a phrase for "little black book" but couldn't quite put his finger on it before deadline
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It lands differently when you know which ones are exes because they died.
gellaho
Frank is a brilliant detective
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe going nut blind.
He's like a bull moose now.
Badgerman
He went after how much pink he crushes, Frank. Between gentlemen, that's a low blow
FancyShark
Joe getting jealous of a dude after he's been dating the same person for two years is very Joe
gellaho
Well, it was about that time again
FancyShark
It can't be that deadly if a Hardy villain is using it
gellaho
Frank's doing great
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Missed his first shot at a stationary target at close range. Fucking Hardy hitmen are the worst.
FancyShark
Then Frank watched as the man ran back out to check if his car was locked
Badgerman
Mock took Mysterious Stranger at level up
FancyShark
Then back into the alley
gellaho
And fuck you for wanting an explanation
gellaho
FancyShark
Then back out because he forgot his wallet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like my guy, with a 357 you don't need the headshot, you aim for center of mass.
Badgerman
I'm just going to imagine Joe leaking blood for the rest of the book because that has to be what logically happened
LyraV
This ghostwriter desperately wants to be writing something more gritty then remembers what they're doing to pay the bills.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank should have his organs spread over the street now.
But some nerd watched Dirty Harry
gellaho
I'm sure Don acting suspiciously certainly isn't any kind of red herring
FancyShark
"Who goes home?"
gellaho
If only the ghostwriter knew you can basically get away with anything
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We're going home because we live and sleep and eat there, Don. Duh."
FancyShark
Don is frustrated because he doesn't know how to invite the Hardys to his Pathfinder game
Rachel
The eternal struggle
gellaho
Every location in Bayport must be prefixed with "Bayport"
Badgerman
Try explaining to them that it's like 5e but better, Don! It's not too late!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe would roll a barbarian and Frank would try some homebrew op shit.
Badgerman
Bayport Mr. Pizza
gellaho
Hell yeah. Enhance the shit out of those photographs
Rachel
Bobby Mock is the fake name I'd give border agents to piss them off
FancyShark
"He's been shot outside the Bayport BDSM Club! Call the Bayport Hospital!"
Badgerman
You don't get to act cool about signing up for Dall E, Frank.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Don't forget to zoom before you enhance, Hardy boys!
Badgerman
Not after what we've done to the poor thing.
FancyShark
The only image computers generate around the Hardys is fire and shrapnel
gellaho
Joe goes to the hospital to "ask questions"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also it's 1990s tech so this will take a week and look like a chess board
FancyShark
"Nice IV you got there. Be a shame if something happened to it."
Badgerman
Questions like "But why can't you just give Dad some ivermectin as a treat?"
gellaho
Secret Agent Joe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"C'mon, it's apple flavored and everything!"
Badgerman
They've given you a bump on the head, and taken away your name
FancyShark
Joe goes undercover by asking everyone to wear blindfolds
Badgerman
Also, the last six Christmases
FancyShark
"Oh, hi Joe," Murphy says.
gellaho
Just what the children love: dying old men
FancyShark
Leonard forgot to mention he desecrated a mummy tomb
Badgerman
Watching every move through his thin, papery eyelids
Like tissue paper
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey kids, have you contemplated mortality today?"
FancyShark
It's like having cancer and tromping around a sewer was bad for him
gellaho
Joe almost immediately chickens out, but has to hide. Which is very convenient because the son comes by to lie to his dad
Badgerman
"Watch! Watch all light fade from this dessicated husk, children! Such will be your fate too! The fate of all Man!!!"
FancyShark
"Call me Daddy, not Father. I paid the agency good money for this."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just what the liberal media wants you to think. I played Sewer Shark.
gellaho
He really wanted to see if the mummy wanted to use any of their buried treasures to pay for a definitely real theme park
Badgerman
"Take that stupid fucking voice changer off, Bobby, it's just us."
FancyShark
That classic cancer hitman grift
gellaho
They just let people walk around hospitals in trench coats and ski masks, right?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Boy........you sound like Bane shilling his Discord server where they trade feet pics. Take that fucking thing off your face."
Badgerman
Those halcyon days when you could bring a magnum into the hospital no questions asked
Pull the trigger, Joe. Obliterate this man's femoral artery. End this bullshit before it starts.
gellaho
So many children read this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah now they ask if you want a bag for it and to put a mask on your gun!
LyraV
Staccato Buzzing is what I'll call my book of poetry one day.
gellaho
This "juvenile paperback" as the sticker says
1000 Space GDCs
how ironic, he wanted to kill joe for his dad, but ended up killing his dad with joe.
Badgerman
Staccato Buzzing is the sound right before flatline when you die in Dead Space
Badgerman
Yeah, I'd call this manuscript "juvenile", for sure
gellaho
Gun must have had a computer in it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Staccato Buzzing: a volume in tribute to bees.
Badgerman
Dang ol' chain-fires!
FancyShark
Leonard's lungs fill with air as sharp as razor blades. His vision blurs. Every heartbeat pumps acid through his rotting veins. And still all he can think of is how his son couldn't spring for a room with a window.
Badgerman
Gotta stick some beeswax in the front of the cylinders, that'll keep the powder from igniting
gellaho
Frank is the only one who is allowed to win fights
gellaho
gellaho
Rekt
Badgerman
I like how we've abandoned Bobby as an identifier so it just looks like Joe is getting the shit beat out of him by Daddy Crime Mummy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bobby could shoot Joe now and have a decent shot at a self defense plea.
Badgerman
Self defense nothing, he could say Joe was fucking with the life support machine. That's murder one
Easy
FancyShark
Bruce "I'll think of a better name later" Smith
1000 Space GDCs
The officer was so horny for that blond nurse he didn't notice the confession, the argument, or the fight.
gellaho
People had such a good understanding of computers in 1990
gellaho
Badgerman
Yeah that's how that works
FancyShark
The tornado hacked the mainframe!
Rachel
we've got to mainframe the hard drive before the floppies go motherboard!
1000 Space GDCs
The tornado blew through and now all their punchcards are out of order
Badgerman
All the time, I'm hearing about big companies losing government contracts because they had a little bit of an outage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Our RAM needs defragging to overwrite the C++
FancyShark
Governments are notoriously quick to change vendors
Badgerman
A cruel and demanding mistress is the Feds
LyraV
Now if only we could get Flogging Molly to write a jaunty tune about those assholes.
gellaho
The VP David Simpson offers Frank a job, which is good because Frank clearly understands what programmers do
gellaho
FancyShark
We better internet this drive before it IBM's all over the desktop
Frank, you don't have to do the job they assign you, you fucking square
Badgerman
You can still work on cases on company time, Frank. That's just praxis
gellaho
Ooh, a 1990 laser printer. I bet that's some great quality
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also you can't legally obtain evidence that way, so I see how Daddy Mock got his sentence commuted.
FancyShark
Sending via the modem is definitely how people talk
Badgerman
That printer is going to explode and shoot a dangerous laser into the wall like in Half Life
Rachel
he has a brand new modem, so he can get a teri hatcher jpeg in only 1.6 hours
gellaho
This place is also called "Bayport Electronics," shouldn't they just be, you know, selling electronics? Not hiring programmers or running photo aging software
FancyShark
Provided no one uses the microwave
Rachel
Or the phone
Badgerman
All the real money is in farmed out government clerical work
1000 Space GDCs
Joe always picks up the phone and kills the connection just as it gets to the nipples.
FancyShark
You want electronics, go to Bayport Pottery
gellaho
What a bothersome day
Badgerman
I dunno, it's been going pretty great for us
LyraV
All this murder and catastrophe sure leaves me relaxed and sleepy.
gellaho
Chief Collig is very disappointed, young man!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank what days of the year are you not pursued by killers?
FancyShark
Gee whiz, some people sure did take their final breath today
Badgerman
Does every cop in this town have a stereotypical Irish surname
gellaho
And I guess the son got away somehow
Rachel
Nothin ta see here boyo
FancyShark
Nope. At least not Potatoes McIntyre
Stereotypical first name tho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And yeah Chief, maybe before you threaten Joe with legal penalties, you might wanna consider his family has been running around for years doing extrajudicial stuff for you, so they know where the bodies are buried.
gellaho
Asking "what happened" about the frailest man I've ever seen is a very stupid question
Badgerman
:itisamystery:
FancyShark
NOOOO! HE HAD SO MANY MINUTES LEFT!
Badgerman
Seconds, even!
gellaho
They introduced one named Stewart. So he just has a kind of a dumb name
FancyShark
He could have watched nearly a full episode of NCIS!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I definitely didn't spend so much time trying to fuck a nurse I let a Hardy boy slip thru."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And he was absolutely NOT wearing scrubs in a misguided attempt at disguise!"
FancyShark
"He definitely stole all the pills someone left out!"
gellaho
Clearly very worried about the death threats against their family
Badgerman
"And he definitely ate all the donuts in the break room!"
"Definitely him! No one else!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And it was absolutely an accident and not calculated on my part for this cop killer to meet an early death. Honest!"
FancyShark
Mixing bowl? Respect to the gluttony
Badgerman
So we're not planning a funeral for Fenton or anything
gellaho
Why write this
Badgerman
Yeah, hang on, wait, what the FUCK, Joe?
1000 Space GDCs
Where is fenton, anyway?
FancyShark
Off giving hitmen cancer
Badgerman
Heav— no. No. Definitely the other place.
FancyShark
You're going to feel silly when this busts the case wide open
gellaho
This is how modems work sure. Straight to the printer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Look sometimes you just admit you want to eat a whole box of Lucky Charms and nobody can stop you. Thus mixing bowl.
gellaho
There is so much CONSUMPTION happening right now
Badgerman
He heard the blip! The bleep bloop! The bloop blops!
FancyShark
Frank doesn't look at a page until it's finished printing. He's OCD like that
gellaho
Just look at this
1000 Space GDCs
It would be hilarious if Mock died in bayport trying to kill Fenton only to realize Fenton was in europe all month.
FancyShark
Jesus, Joe. How are you not pure diabetes?
Badgerman
Chet is psychically assimilating into Joe's body from just offscreen
Rachel
Does he have a tapeworm?
Badgerman
It's the only explanation
gellaho
Well, the computer, modem, and printer add ten pounds each
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe hungers. He's eating for two since he picked up that extradimensional parasite.
FancyShark
At that moment, Chet's hands close over both of their mouths
gellaho
That's kind of the situation. He's literally in Philadelphia for a trial.
1000 Space GDCs
That's just Mirror Chet with his goatee shaved off
Badgerman
I like how this picture immediately drained Frank of all his blood
Rachel
Chet is pretty horrifying
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chet wouldn't have missed the shot on Frank.
gellaho
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
When Chet sets out to bury a man, they get buried.
Badgerman
Got scooped on the Luke but didn't want to double gif
FancyShark
It's not like Chet as any motive aside from you getting his sister killed and always calling him fat
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nice try, ghostwriter. But no dice, You have to do better if you want us to think Chet puts down anything more than pizzas.
gellaho
Kind of seems like they don't really buy the Chet thing, book. How dare you lie to me
FancyShark
Fuck you for making them be reasonable, ghostwriter
Badgerman
The tornado paid off the computer to frame Chet!
My god. This scheme goes all the way to the top
1000 Space GDCs
Friends, plural. without Chet, it would be singular.
gellaho
Or, you know, the evil fat blond kid
FancyShark
"Heavyset" is too tame to refer to Chet
Badgerman
Yeah, because we haven't run into any more of those this book
1000 Space GDCs
No frank, the other guy you've been bodyshaming recently
not the one you allegedly like
gellaho
Don shows up and is not at all suspicious
FancyShark
That checks out. Boxes do fall on files.
Badgerman
Some people's cheeks are just like that, Joe. Rosacea isn't suspicious.
FancyShark
And you do check for files with your face.
1000 Space GDCs
a fist-shaped box fell on don's cheek
gellaho
I, DON, AM NOT LYING TO YOU
FancyShark
Joe, you heard his voice
gellaho
DO NOT SUSPECT ME, DON, I AM ONLY TRUTHFUL
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ghostwriter continually overlooks theyve introduced exactly one male character for it to possibly be, so the boys don't exactly need Hercule Poirot for this one.
Badgerman
We only know it was deep! We don't know that it sounded like Don!
Chet has a car?
Chet fits in a car?
FancyShark
Were there free donuts at the bank? Because Chet being there is not a mystery if so
1000 Space GDCs
This is like one of those mysteries where the killer is a guest star with top billing
FancyShark
Columbo had the decency to show the murderer up front
Badgerman
Columbo respected the audience's intelligence, and Hardy Boys fundamentally does not
gellaho
They go to the building where "Chet" and Callie went. Joe gets knocked down again
Rachel
So... callie is stored in a safety deposit box?
FancyShark
God, now I want a Columbo/Hardys crossover. Endless explosions while Columbo solves the case
Badgerman
That's how this one survived the tornado attack
gellaho
IT DEFINITELY WASN'T I, DON
FancyShark
If this was a play, the audience would be screaming at the stage by now
gellaho
Frank a little too perceptive
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For detectives they sure are bad at knowing when someone is obviously lying.
Rachel
Don is mustache twirlingly innocent
Badgerman
The audience would be breaking down the box office demanding refunds
"He knew that Frank was just thinking out loud"
Just joshing. Just kidding around.
gellaho
TIME TO FEED
FancyShark
Joe wishes
Rachel
Just eat Don and end the book early
Badgerman
c o n s u m e
FancyShark
Joe proceeds to eat an adult harp seal on the kitchen table
gellaho
Chet shows up to the house and he's doing great
FancyShark
Chet, you walked from the car to here. Are you okay?
Badgerman
"AH EHT A BEHBEY"
gellaho
Sick, fat fight on tape
FancyShark
CHET FIGHT!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He did it without eating an entire chicken so no.
gellaho
Well, Chet had it for a second
Badgerman
Two hardened combatants unleashing all their 'soomoo' skills
FancyShark
KIRK DOUBLE FIST!
Badgerman
"Something about the voice sounded familiar", thought the one character who just explained the twist
FancyShark
This same fight happens every day at at least one buffet
gellaho
And that's how Callie met Chuck Lorre
Badgerman
Chet is the undisputed champion of the Golden Corral Royal Rumble
FancyShark
Don't you dare put her on that horrible show, you monster
Rachel
Ughhh id rather die than appear alongside sheldon cooper
Agent of Fortune
Hissssssss
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
With that, Mangieri is the worst Hardy Boys villain.
gellaho
Frank just gaslighting Joe now
FancyShark
Chet...ANGRY
Badgerman
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING THAT UP EARLIER
FancyShark
Chet...kill?
Badgerman
Argh argh argh. Hate murder kill
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank.........you already said it was Don,........you fucker, did you know from the beginning?
Badgerman
Awful, horrible plot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank knew the entire three years Don has lived there ......
FancyShark
Badgerman
Fucking Frank is the real villain of this story
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm beginning to think Mock didn't kill that cop.
FancyShark
How many bodies was it going to take to share that info, Frank?
1000 Space GDCs
At least 3 Callies.
gellaho
The boys decide their best option is the destroyed buildings downtown that have been posted as off limits. As usual, they are the masters of stealth
FancyShark
They strap stealth bike horns to their feet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Van chase with the Bayport PD!
Badgerman
The tornado paid off the cops too?!
gellaho
This seems like a great idea
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Their crime van has a reserve tank?!
Badgerman
When time and speed are of the essence, siphon gas into your friend's shitty '48 Pontiac.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuckin what?
FancyShark
You are continuously followed by explosions, but sure, mess with gasoline
gellaho
Chet's dad is apparently really into stealing gas
Badgerman
For those really long van chases
FancyShark
hahaha, Chet got you good, Joe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was the 90s stealing gas was the done thing
Badgerman
If Chet had gotten Frank to drink gas instead and this was payback for the birth certificate thing I would have forgiven everything
FancyShark
To be fair, Joe, you didn't exactly hesitate
Badgerman
He was still hungy!
1000 Space GDCs
...No one asked you to do that, Joe.
gellaho
The most devious of all detective's tools: a public phone book
Badgerman
Now they go to every house with a Mangieri listed and execute the occupants like the Terminator
FancyShark
Creeps hang with creeps. That's why sex offenders are so popular in prison
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait you didn't even figure out where he lived already? The fuck, Hardy boys.
Badgerman
If you're all in solitary confinement you're still technically all together, right?
gellaho
Chet works great as a door ram
FancyShark
Once Chet starts moving, you can't stop him
It's physics
gellaho
There it is
Badgerman
YES
FancyShark
Weird coincidence
oh wait, cuz of the bomb
1000 Space GDCs
Chet's usenet handle is xX_Unstoppable_Force_420_Xx
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Finally, sweet release!" Frank breathed.
gellaho
Seems like a very advanced technique for Evil Chet
BlindMonkey
Art.
LyraV
Callie should know better than to move.
Badgerman
If it can just go off for whatever reason the author feels like, isn't it really just one reason?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mangieri is one of those Operation Gladio kids you hear tell about
FancyShark
That bomb seems like it'd take a lot of practice to set up
BlindMonkey
Terror rehearsals are a pain
gellaho
There's no way Frank knows how to throw a football
1000 Space GDCs
Mangieri has dressed up as Heath Ledger's Joker for Halloween every year since the movie was released.
FancyShark
A friendly dog brings the bomb back
Badgerman
It sounds cool when you put it like this but the ghostwriter is tastefully omitting the nerdy "NYEHHH" Frank made when he threw the bomb
gellaho
A rare inaccurate cover. I am very disappointed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but the trigger didn't go off from yeeting the fucker but it would have if Callie moved?
FancyShark
Good thing Frank chucked it into that playground outside
Badgerman
Well, it did go off when he moved it, from a certain point of view
gellaho
(1) This is inside a house? (2) Joe definitely isn't involved in this at all. (3) Where is my precious fat boy?
Badgerman
Fuck them kids
gellaho
There's like a steel door surrounded by stone in that picture
1000 Space GDCs
Callie is rocking a sweet sweatervest, though.
FancyShark
They can't put Chet on a cover. They would have to either make it a foldout or admit he's Fabio
Badgerman
Chet was with reflex fast enough to turn his head, that's why he's not on he cover
FancyShark
I could have sworn she was a brunette
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is a complex bomb. Either bobby or Mangieri is wasting their time blowing up cops for vengeance when they could be doing it for fat stacks.
gellaho
Gross
FancyShark
Frank recoils at this organic contact
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They like to remix her hair color every few iterations.
gellaho
She's blonde. Most of the time anyway
Badgerman
"Or my Pizza King", Frank added, and Frenched Chet for much longer and harder
gellaho
There's a very confusing paragraph in the first book
FancyShark
Wait, now I get it. Mock must've gone through a few Callies setting up the bomb
Badgerman
Oh just the one?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe just kind of tries not to look Chet in the eye right now.
gellaho
I'm with Callie, it's a very weird thing to say
Badgerman
They did not call it that, lads
Rachel
uh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck off it's not called blood law you nerd.
Rachel
no that's dumb
1000 Space GDCs
Yeah, I'm pretty sure weregild was a thing
FancyShark
Joe learned his history from a metal album
gellaho
Somebody has short brown hair, it's either Iola or Callie. I put the paragraph in the movie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Frank under that law you'd owe him fucking money you dork.
gellaho
Based on what little I know about Mangieri, that seems unlikely
Badgerman
Jesus, pick a fucking reveal, author
FancyShark
Photographers do like to make bombs
1000 Space GDCs
not everything is about you, joe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe. You fucking dumbass.
gellaho
Joe smash
FancyShark
Neither of them liked actually solving a problem
Badgerman
You can tell because their characters are so different!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe, what exactly do you do, detective wise?
Badgerman
who does
1000 Space GDCs
Joe likes to Chet his way through a problem.
gellaho
Con is the world's largest door mat
Badgerman
Man, when you're the title character and you can't even rightly call it Joeing through a problem, something's gone wrong in your life
FancyShark
btw, did we lose @BlindMonkey ? If so, thank you for dropping in, Dennard!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just asking because you got your ass handed to you by a short fat kid dressed like a Power Rangers comedic relief villain and now you think he's a criminal mastermind.
Badgerman
"T'would be easier to deliver the moon for ye, laddie!"
BlindMonkey
I'm in and out, last minute shopping bits
This is fantastic though
FancyShark
Right on
Badgerman
Oh shit, hello Dennard!
gellaho
Alright, this is my new favorite scene transition
1000 Space GDCs
Con will remember that Frank forgot Stan's name.
BlindMonkey
I never knew how explosive centric Hardy life was
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol of course it's this late in the book before Dead Partner gets named.
Badgerman
Don. Buddy. You had them dead to rights. Just open fire, my man
gellaho
There's an entire book based around computers exploding via viruses
FancyShark
There's a explosion-minimum to these books that is insane
1000 Space GDCs
These children suffer so much head trauma.
BlindMonkey
Their bones must be soft jam
Badgerman
Their entire bodies have built in crumple zones
gellaho
Don is ready to go to hell tonight
1000 Space GDCs
The average brain injury per hardy per book is greater than one.
FancyShark
Joe is immortal. Frank's a robot. It used to be a running joke but now it's the only possible explanation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank is some kind of man borg so his bones are fine, structurally speaking
Badgerman
Just shoot, coward
The Hardies are just as tired of their lives as you are
FancyShark
Pointing a gun at a Hardy triggers the monologue chromosome
gellaho
THIS GUN PROVES MY INNOCENCE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Take the shot, pussy. You'll miss like you did last time.
FancyShark
"I-I just...WILL YOU TWO LOOK AFTER MY CAT WHILE I'M OUT OF TOWN?! Huh, I feel better now."
gellaho
So, I decided to shoot you, I guess
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I JUST THINK YOU SHOULD COME TO GAME NIGHT! WE HAVE CATAN!"
Badgerman
"YOU HAVE TO PET HIM THE WAY HE LIKES! AND TELL HIM HE'S A PRETTY LITTLE KITTY! YOU SAY IT OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF!!"
FancyShark
"I admit it. I'm only trying to use you to get close to Chet."
1000 Space GDCs
Don noticed how everyone in the hardy's orbit ends up dead and was willing to kill to save himself
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He's the Pizza King. Gotta kiss that ring, you know what I mean?"
gellaho
Why did this happen? Who knows
FancyShark
"I understand your pointing a rifle at us. Everyone has that reaction."
Badgerman
I've never seen a clearer case of NaNoWriMo padding
gellaho
Somebody did not like this page
Badgerman
Oh shit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw poor book.
BlindMonkey
I hate pointing a gun at the wrong person. Ruins my afternoon.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
😢
Badgerman
It's not its fault it was written the way it was
1000 Space GDCs
The ghostwriter went around to every library in the country to cut out the most embarassing part
gellaho
NAMESSSSSSSSSS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's only the wrong person if they are alive to testify against you.
FancyShark
The shift key earned its keep that paragraph
Badgerman
God almighty, just say "the kids" or "the team"
gellaho
This book is weird
1000 Space GDCs
I'm glad we were all made aware of the travel arrangements. I'm sure that will come up later
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He keeps them in this little case on a chain."
Badgerman
"He's got the eyes of a cat! He keeps them in a little glass jar in the back of the closet!"
Fuck, scooped
FancyShark
hahaha, did someone cut the page to prevent kids from learning how to break a window?
Badgerman
Haha holy shit that might have been it
LyraV
Someone has tried to punch glass with their hand glass wrapped in a hankerchief and lost their shit when they read another person advocating for it, had to rip the page.
Badgerman
Fucked up their hand and their best hankie. Someone had to pay
FancyShark
So help me god, if they didn't get full coverage...
gellaho
So, looking for someone with a mustache
1000 Space GDCs
Also teens in the 90s all carried handkerchiefs, right?
Badgerman
Y'all mistook a twelve year old for a toddler?
Come on, gang. Come the fuck on.
gellaho
Excuse me, how big?
FancyShark
In a brilliant trick, Bobby Mock is like Benjamin Button. They're looking for a zygote
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah to go with their ascots and vests. What else?
Badgerman
Hahaha whaaaaat?!?
FancyShark
That's a fucking endtable
Badgerman
That's not a book, that's a medieval grimoire
1000 Space GDCs
Mrs. Hardy hates it when Fenton calls it his old case log.
gellaho
Gasp! Not the police officer they barely introduced this book!
Badgerman
You gonna get your fucking horseman-chauffeur to carry this very normal case book around, you extremely believable teenagers in this extremely believable town? Fuck you.
FancyShark
Fenton hates it when she calls it his cold case file
Badgerman
Oh come on.
FancyShark
NOT-
who?
1000 Space GDCs
He slept on the couch for a week after she called it a red herring.
gellaho
To be fair, he was in more of the book. But he was also fairly inconsequential so he got skiiippppeeed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha fuck you book. You set up a red herring but didn't earn your reveal.
Badgerman
I think it would still be just as underwhelming tbh
Badgerman
It set up like three red herrings and undid every one of them almost as soon as it introduced them
FancyShark
It's even better that the writer couldn't make the character interesting enough for us to notice
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Classic "it was just some asshole!" Stuff.
Badgerman
I've never seen anything like it
FancyShark
The best mysteries end with a shrug
gellaho
This was his grand introduction on page 11
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like the ghostwriter read a lot of Sherlock Holmes and was like "oh I can just make a guy up, huh?" But didn't understand why Doyle works.
gellaho
Now, I haven't read all previous 38 books. But I am fairly certain this is the first time he appeared
Badgerman
Oh right. His "distinctive" white blond hair and 357 magnum. The clues were there all along
FancyShark
Hold the fuck on
He's a cop and he wore a ski mask to get into the hospital?
gellaho
"Whaaaaaat?"
FancyShark
He made himself MORE conspicuous?
gellaho
Don't worry about it
FancyShark
Joe, keep up
1000 Space GDCs
To be fair, that's a hard sentance to parse
Badgerman
Fuck you, Joe.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Now him missing Frank at short range makes a lot more sense.
gellaho
Joe is very smart
Badgerman
Hand it back to me so I can put my fingerprints on it too
FancyShark
Someday we need to determine why "snub-nosed .38" was determined to be the gun of choice by crime novelists
gellaho
Luckily Stewart is also very dumb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Neither Hardy boy has ever successfully used a firearm to my knowledge. Every time they think to it's empty
1000 Space GDCs
The more I notice it, the weirder it is that every gun needs to be identified by caliber.
gellaho
Jesus
FancyShark
Second time that gun's exploded
Badgerman
Can't afford the brand names
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was a cheap and easily accessible gun, the Saturday Night Special.
gellaho
What do you mean, "grazed her temple?"
FancyShark
Welp, that Callie's good as mulch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was like THE crime gun for decades
FancyShark
It only slightly killed her
gellaho
Yeah, not like that's bone near your brain
Like grazing your upper ribs
What could possibly go wrong
1000 Space GDCs
Joe's broken those bones hundreds of times
Badgerman
Joe doesn't have anything important behind those bones
FancyShark
They need to make a Callie model that has her organs in her shoes or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They'll just have to decant a new Callie.
gellaho
Stewart has decided full madness is the best way to go
FancyShark
Huh, I guess he's a real cop
gellaho
There are somehow still 27 pages left in this
LyraV
Well that's a terrible plan but whatever.
Badgerman
Con flew backward like Gene Hackman in The Quick and the Dead
gellaho
Kicked out at two
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Make sure you sprinkle some crack on Frank to make it believeable
1000 Space GDCs
And maybe shoot a dog to be safe
gellaho
God damn you, dived
FancyShark
Now a full chapter of Con Riley beating Stewart into paste
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Irish last name vs English last name! To the death!
gellaho
Good news, everything is fine
Badgerman
Check Riley? I thought he was Irish
gellaho
Later: bed time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah of course he was wearing a vest, Joe. You goob.
FancyShark
The fact that he never offered you two vests should be a hint
gellaho
The next morning; they discover an answering machine message that reveals Stewart left their parents a dastardly answering machine message
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You'd think as often as they are shot at they'd know to have their own.
LyraV
a Chief among Lice
gellaho
But more importantly, this asshole didn't write snuck
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Fenton is getting a handy in the stall of a truckstop
Badgerman
Yeah, go in without backup to catch an armed suspect
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Booooo crucify the writer! #snucknotsneaked!
gellaho
Thanks, there's no way I could figure out it was a truck stop on my own
FancyShark
Not West of Bayport Truck Stop? You sicken me, writer
Badgerman
Trucker's Pit Stop was a truck stop, a stop for trucks where trucks could stop
1000 Space GDCs
There was also a pit, but no one liked to talk about that.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was different from The Trucker Pits, a notorious gay dive bar in Downtown Bayport.
gellaho
This is a strange series of events
1000 Space GDCs
That was across the street from the Bayport Gay Dive Bar.
gellaho
Badgerman
What, they didn't just ram him?
FancyShark
Mangieri needs to work on his alibi
gellaho
Ending with Frank trying to punch a window
Badgerman
You gotta wrap your hankie round your fingers first, dummy
FancyShark
I hate when luggage gets to ride up front
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol the idea Mangieri overpowered Fenton and stuffed him in a trunk is delightful
gellaho
Was that tree branch also a ramp?
1000 Space GDCs
Joe keeps underestimating Mangieri like people kept underestimating Butterbean
BlindMonkey
Okay, how many books into Hardydom is this
Badgerman
If anything it should have flipped onto its front and crashed horribly
BlindMonkey
I'm astounded by how far gone this series' mind is
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ah yes, the famous New England Angular Maple.
FancyShark
We kinda jump all over the place
But this is book 39?
gellaho
39. There are over 120. So we are early
BlindMonkey
I love this world
gellaho
And this one doesn't even have any clones or fart cannons
LyraV
If only the consequence of this could somehow be Joe getting knocked out by Butterbean.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I haven't been doing this for as long but I've never seen one that wasn't batshit insane.
Badgerman
Excuse me, fart cannons?
gellaho
So, I gotta go back to this paragraph. It is important you know how impressive this van is
FancyShark
Gellaho has links to the previous reads, if you ever feel like checking those out. But we do this every Friday! Hardy reads are some of the best. You're always welcome to join us!
gellaho
There was a cannon used in by a South American dictator that ran off methane
Badgerman
W—
You know what? Sure.
FancyShark
Now you get it
gellaho
The impressive van struggles to hit eighty
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Hardy Boys are kinda Jason Bourne Babies.
FancyShark
The van is the Chet of vehicles
Badgerman
The Millennium Shitbird
1000 Space GDCs
It's still in third, Joe.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man I love their fuckin Turtle Wagon van
gellaho
Nevertheless, Mangieri decides to eat shit
FancyShark
This wins
Badgerman
Every LA Noire chase was like this
The baddies magically always stayed ahead until they fucking crash into some shit
gellaho
Rad
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hey uh........you guys maybe wanna not smash into the car you think your dad is in the trunk of?
Badgerman
Just Thelma & Louise it straight into the divider, boys
gellaho
Damn you branch ramp!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or do. I'm sure Fenton has a substantial life insurance policy.
FancyShark
If we get another book that ends with a hitman dying in a fireball of their own making, I will sleep with a smile tonight
1000 Space GDCs
They spent so much time fine tuning their engine they forgot to replace the brake pads
Badgerman
A small oil drenched twig, Frank. Jesus, ain't you the smart one?
FancyShark
They didn't notice they'd circled around the block
gellaho
Sure, why not
1000 Space GDCs
The narrator tells us the van is awesome but shows us it's a shitpile.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
An.......old Guard armory.
FancyShark
Because you can just walk in to the National Guard Armory
Badgerman
The National Bayport Guard Armory
Badgerman
Yeah, it's like a Fallout dungeon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah they just abandon those all the time.
gellaho
Gotta wonder how Fenton got caught by Mangieri
FancyShark
Mangieri must've told Fenton he wanted to play a prank on the boys
gellaho
If a place is old, you are allowed to do whatever you want with it
Badgerman
That must have been some bathroom handy
gellaho
That's the law
LyraV
Tricked him with Free Samples.
1000 Space GDCs
Joe bashed his head in with a clock, that was the cleverest thing he'll ever say.
gellaho
What a search
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fenton pops out of the trunk, smiling and says "You boys sure weren't prepared for me to be kidapped! You have to be on your guard!"
gellaho
Stewart has gone fully insane
Badgerman
He's got to cycle the hammer and you're already halfway to him. Fucking split up and bum rush him already
He's gone full Bobby Kindergarten
1000 Space GDCs
Take a drink every time they say .357 magnum
gellaho
Stewart seems like a well adjusted young man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe have never seen Surviving Edged Weapons. In this situation they don't know a gun haver is already practically dead.
Badgerman
Well it wouldn't be a rifle grip, now would it
FancyShark
Suddenly, his father's cancer bursts through the door and tackles him, wrestling the gun away before it can fire
gellaho
This ghostwriter has a very weird idea of how guns work
Badgerman
Beloved side character Toomey the Tumor!
FancyShark
It's not a tumor. It's Justice.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey Carl? Just a quick note, when you write that a gun explodes you realize people don't think it's been fired, right?"
gellaho
Joe's in a fight to the death, and Frank's just untying knots
FancyShark
Guns only explode. Grenades shoot bullets.
Badgerman
A fight to the death tailored for their individual builds
gellaho
These books are the best
gellaho
Trying to establish this dark mood => hot cocoa
Badgerman
Oh thank goodness. For a minute there I thought he might really have been in trouble
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
There's bourbon in that coffee?
FancyShark
WBAY broadcasts out of Houston, but they get complaints if they don't say Bayport
gellaho
Enter Chet, followed by giant sandwich
FancyShark
hahahahaha
Badgerman
Remember when this book was about Chet betraying everybody
LyraV
Chet must CONSUME
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Girthy sandwich.
FancyShark
Joe, you used a mixing bowl for cereal. Shut your damn mouth.
gellaho
And we end with a fun news prank
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's fuckin jealous.
Badgerman
Man. What a note to end on
FancyShark
The families still waiting for word of whether their loved ones survived the tornado do not appreciate Callie's broadcast
1000 Space GDCs
Freeze frame as Joe starts chasing Callie around a couch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Freeze frame as Joe belts Callie across the jaw.
1000 Space GDCs
Meanwhile, Bayport buries their dead
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #39: Flesh and Blood
FancyShark
We did it!
Badgerman
One of the Hardy Boys Casefiles of all time
FancyShark
Outstanding riffs, everybody!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Enjoy captivity, book.
gellaho
So concludes the 79th edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
@1000 Space GDCs , you stole the show tonight
gellaho
'Til Monday
LyraV
This was so awesome, thank you everyone!
FancyShark
@BlindMonkey , please join us for more readings!
1000 Space GDCs
Aww, thanks.
BlindMonkey
Absolutely
The Hardy laughs flow freely
Badgerman
I cannot fucking wait to find out what Book Cage The Movie entails
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's a fine way to spend a Friday evening.
1000 Space GDCs
Thanks everyone, we were all on fire tonight,
FancyShark
Have a great night, everybody! Hope to see you all at the meat party tomorrow and/or Tommy's movie on Sunday!
And thank you again, @gellaho ! You are a hero
Brendan
What was the broad view?
FancyShark
The writer made reveal after reveal and none of them really had an impact because there was no time between setup and payoff. And the real bad guy was a random cop who was so inconsequential gellaho had skipped the parts where he appeared because they were boring
Juho
Where did the insurance money come in?
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY! Except this time it was just some dude? A hitman Fenton Hardy put away years ago swore vengeance on him but got cancer instead. His son swore vengeance and showed up when Fenton was out of town.
FestiveJ(StillEvil)
See, there's an idea for a good twist in there somewhere
i'd say it's maybe one tenth of an idea?
gellaho
Really, the only satisfying ending would have been Con Riley shooting the son
FancyShark
Or Chet tearing him in half
It was sad that Chet lost the fight against Evil Chet, but it also speaks to how nice a guy he is that he can't destroy pure evil when he meets it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair Chet was winning before Bobby intervened
Badgerman
I'm still baffled that the author just could not pick a single reveal without trying to swerve the audience
So there were like three reveals that all immediately had the piss taken out of them
John, a mustache and a headband
Just a friendly reminder that there exists at least one Hardy universe where Chet is canonically beautiful.
