79: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #39: Flesh and Blood Franklin W. Dixon

Badgerman

"You're too close to the suspect! Stay off the case! Because this rat fuck is mine."

"I called revenge dibs and everything!"

FancyShark

"My condolences on your partner being murdered by a skeleton in a skinsuit"

gellaho

Nothing weird, just a murderer stalking several teens

Badgerman

Mr. Pizza

1000 Space GDCs

We'd better go dig up your partner and put a stake through his heart, just in case.

FancyShark

Mr. Pizza was the second name after "WE ARE NOT A FRONT"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay Mr. Pizza is a good name for a pizza place, well played.

gellaho

Good to know that some kind of shirt went out of style, very descriptive

1000 Space GDCs

The Mr. Pizza is in between the Mr. Coffee and the Mr. Radar

Badgerman

It's like the Mr. Coffee guys wanted to diversify but keep the brand recognition fuck scooped

gellaho

Tony Prito only works for the best

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mr. Pizza and the Animatronic Sunshine Hoedown.

FancyShark

He's an honest business man

I hope the shirt is a leisure suit

gellaho

Also, great job not describing the kid either

Very helpful for this clue

Badgerman

Oh fuck, he's bringing in Bobby Kindergarten? That dude's a menace

Deadliest Hitman east of the Mississippi

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mr. Pizza is like seven feet tall and built like Schwarzenegger......

FancyShark

Bobby don't fuck around. For $5K and a juice box, he'll make any problem go away

Badgerman

He is getting the feeling of pumping with the dough toss, he is getting the feeling of pumping with the brick oven

gellaho

Callie is on Frank's dork level

Badgerman

PIZZA KING

Agent of Fortune

There's a local chain called Pizza Man

FancyShark

"Bone Crusher" makes sense with all the vertebrae Joe's lost

Badgerman

A weapon to surpass even Mr. Pizza

gellaho

Not annoying at all, Callie

1000 Space GDCs

He's called bone crusher because of how many separate parts his skull is, now.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Aw this Callie is fun. I'm going to miss her when she denatures into protein slurry.

Badgerman

Jesus, just fucking use normal words, Callie, you twee nerd

FancyShark

What's really sad is this isn't Callie Mk. 1

Badgerman

Oh cool, we have both the Callie viewpoints together

FancyShark

But she doesn't know that

1000 Space GDCs

Also if you're going to be a pedant about radio callsigns, at least be consistent in your use of 'over'

gellaho

Hot-headed and catty Joe, sick

Rachel

ooh how far into the book cage are we?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I assume a bunch died in the tornado, at least a years worth

Badgerman

He had asked Liz not Don, who I assume is one entity because there was no comma

FancyShark

There's an Evil Chet and a zombie hitman with cancer

Rachel

Nice

gellaho

Good to know that every girl in this town is annoying

Rachel

Joe can't yet put his finger on Don

FancyShark

Maybe the way Don had a boner while talking about the morgue

gellaho

Fuck off, Liz, you're in high school

Badgerman

Is dead issues a dated joke I'm too cool to get

FancyShark

"Also, he was talking in the sewers and the echoes carried up through my toilet."

Badgerman

Actually getting a big head after being given even a little responsibility is a very high schooler move. Good characterization, ghostwriter!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just more journo slang

FancyShark

It's just J talk

gellaho

How dare Don make fun of Joe's... many girlfriends?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"numerous"

FancyShark

Don is so close to discovering how many deaths are on Joe's head

Badgerman

Ghost writer knew there was a phrase for "little black book" but couldn't quite put his finger on it before deadline

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It lands differently when you know which ones are exes because they died.

gellaho

Frank is a brilliant detective

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe going nut blind.

He's like a bull moose now.

Badgerman

He went after how much pink he crushes, Frank. Between gentlemen, that's a low blow

FancyShark

Joe getting jealous of a dude after he's been dating the same person for two years is very Joe

gellaho

Well, it was about that time again

FancyShark

It can't be that deadly if a Hardy villain is using it

gellaho

Frank's doing great

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Missed his first shot at a stationary target at close range. Fucking Hardy hitmen are the worst.

FancyShark

Then Frank watched as the man ran back out to check if his car was locked

Badgerman

Mock took Mysterious Stranger at level up

FancyShark

Then back into the alley

gellaho

And fuck you for wanting an explanation

gellaho

FancyShark

Then back out because he forgot his wallet

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like my guy, with a 357 you don't need the headshot, you aim for center of mass.

Badgerman

I'm just going to imagine Joe leaking blood for the rest of the book because that has to be what logically happened

LyraV

This ghostwriter desperately wants to be writing something more gritty then remembers what they're doing to pay the bills.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank should have his organs spread over the street now.

But some nerd watched Dirty Harry

gellaho

I'm sure Don acting suspiciously certainly isn't any kind of red herring

FancyShark

"Who goes home?"

gellaho

If only the ghostwriter knew you can basically get away with anything

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"We're going home because we live and sleep and eat there, Don. Duh."

FancyShark

Don is frustrated because he doesn't know how to invite the Hardys to his Pathfinder game

Rachel

The eternal struggle

gellaho

Every location in Bayport must be prefixed with "Bayport"

Badgerman

Try explaining to them that it's like 5e but better, Don! It's not too late!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe would roll a barbarian and Frank would try some homebrew op shit.

Badgerman

Bayport Mr. Pizza

gellaho

Hell yeah. Enhance the shit out of those photographs

Rachel

Bobby Mock is the fake name I'd give border agents to piss them off

FancyShark

"He's been shot outside the Bayport BDSM Club! Call the Bayport Hospital!"

Badgerman

You don't get to act cool about signing up for Dall E, Frank.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Don't forget to zoom before you enhance, Hardy boys!

Badgerman

Not after what we've done to the poor thing.

FancyShark

The only image computers generate around the Hardys is fire and shrapnel

gellaho

Joe goes to the hospital to "ask questions"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also it's 1990s tech so this will take a week and look like a chess board

FancyShark

"Nice IV you got there. Be a shame if something happened to it."

Badgerman

Questions like "But why can't you just give Dad some ivermectin as a treat?"

gellaho

Secret Agent Joe

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"C'mon, it's apple flavored and everything!"

Badgerman

They've given you a bump on the head, and taken away your name

FancyShark

Joe goes undercover by asking everyone to wear blindfolds

Badgerman

Also, the last six Christmases

FancyShark

"Oh, hi Joe," Murphy says.

gellaho

Just what the children love: dying old men

FancyShark

Leonard forgot to mention he desecrated a mummy tomb

Badgerman

Watching every move through his thin, papery eyelids

Like tissue paper

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey kids, have you contemplated mortality today?"

FancyShark

It's like having cancer and tromping around a sewer was bad for him

gellaho

Joe almost immediately chickens out, but has to hide. Which is very convenient because the son comes by to lie to his dad

Badgerman

"Watch! Watch all light fade from this dessicated husk, children! Such will be your fate too! The fate of all Man!!!"

FancyShark

"Call me Daddy, not Father. I paid the agency good money for this."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just what the liberal media wants you to think. I played Sewer Shark.

gellaho

He really wanted to see if the mummy wanted to use any of their buried treasures to pay for a definitely real theme park

Badgerman

"Take that stupid fucking voice changer off, Bobby, it's just us."

FancyShark

That classic cancer hitman grift

gellaho

They just let people walk around hospitals in trench coats and ski masks, right?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Boy........you sound like Bane shilling his Discord server where they trade feet pics. Take that fucking thing off your face."

Badgerman

Those halcyon days when you could bring a magnum into the hospital no questions asked

Pull the trigger, Joe. Obliterate this man's femoral artery. End this bullshit before it starts.

gellaho

So many children read this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah now they ask if you want a bag for it and to put a mask on your gun!

LyraV

Staccato Buzzing is what I'll call my book of poetry one day.

gellaho

This "juvenile paperback" as the sticker says

1000 Space GDCs

how ironic, he wanted to kill joe for his dad, but ended up killing his dad with joe.

Badgerman

Staccato Buzzing is the sound right before flatline when you die in Dead Space

Badgerman

Yeah, I'd call this manuscript "juvenile", for sure

gellaho

Gun must have had a computer in it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Staccato Buzzing: a volume in tribute to bees.

Badgerman

Dang ol' chain-fires!

FancyShark

Leonard's lungs fill with air as sharp as razor blades. His vision blurs. Every heartbeat pumps acid through his rotting veins. And still all he can think of is how his son couldn't spring for a room with a window.

Badgerman

Gotta stick some beeswax in the front of the cylinders, that'll keep the powder from igniting

gellaho

Frank is the only one who is allowed to win fights

gellaho

gellaho

Rekt

Badgerman

I like how we've abandoned Bobby as an identifier so it just looks like Joe is getting the shit beat out of him by Daddy Crime Mummy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bobby could shoot Joe now and have a decent shot at a self defense plea.

Badgerman

Self defense nothing, he could say Joe was fucking with the life support machine. That's murder one

Easy

FancyShark

Bruce "I'll think of a better name later" Smith

1000 Space GDCs

The officer was so horny for that blond nurse he didn't notice the confession, the argument, or the fight.

gellaho

People had such a good understanding of computers in 1990

gellaho

Badgerman

Yeah that's how that works

FancyShark

The tornado hacked the mainframe!

Rachel

we've got to mainframe the hard drive before the floppies go motherboard!

1000 Space GDCs

The tornado blew through and now all their punchcards are out of order

Badgerman

All the time, I'm hearing about big companies losing government contracts because they had a little bit of an outage

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Our RAM needs defragging to overwrite the C++

FancyShark

Governments are notoriously quick to change vendors

Badgerman

A cruel and demanding mistress is the Feds

LyraV

Now if only we could get Flogging Molly to write a jaunty tune about those assholes.

gellaho

The VP David Simpson offers Frank a job, which is good because Frank clearly understands what programmers do

gellaho

FancyShark

We better internet this drive before it IBM's all over the desktop

Frank, you don't have to do the job they assign you, you fucking square

Badgerman

You can still work on cases on company time, Frank. That's just praxis

gellaho

Ooh, a 1990 laser printer. I bet that's some great quality

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also you can't legally obtain evidence that way, so I see how Daddy Mock got his sentence commuted.

FancyShark

Sending via the modem is definitely how people talk

Badgerman

That printer is going to explode and shoot a dangerous laser into the wall like in Half Life

Rachel

he has a brand new modem, so he can get a teri hatcher jpeg in only 1.6 hours

gellaho

This place is also called "Bayport Electronics," shouldn't they just be, you know, selling electronics? Not hiring programmers or running photo aging software

FancyShark

Provided no one uses the microwave

Rachel

Or the phone

Badgerman

All the real money is in farmed out government clerical work

1000 Space GDCs

Joe always picks up the phone and kills the connection just as it gets to the nipples.

FancyShark

You want electronics, go to Bayport Pottery

gellaho

What a bothersome day

Badgerman

I dunno, it's been going pretty great for us

LyraV

All this murder and catastrophe sure leaves me relaxed and sleepy.

gellaho

Chief Collig is very disappointed, young man!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank what days of the year are you not pursued by killers?

FancyShark

Gee whiz, some people sure did take their final breath today

Badgerman

Does every cop in this town have a stereotypical Irish surname

gellaho

And I guess the son got away somehow

Rachel

Nothin ta see here boyo

FancyShark

Nope. At least not Potatoes McIntyre

Stereotypical first name tho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And yeah Chief, maybe before you threaten Joe with legal penalties, you might wanna consider his family has been running around for years doing extrajudicial stuff for you, so they know where the bodies are buried.

gellaho

Asking "what happened" about the frailest man I've ever seen is a very stupid question

Badgerman

:itisamystery:

FancyShark

NOOOO! HE HAD SO MANY MINUTES LEFT!

Badgerman

Seconds, even!

gellaho

They introduced one named Stewart. So he just has a kind of a dumb name

FancyShark

He could have watched nearly a full episode of NCIS!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I definitely didn't spend so much time trying to fuck a nurse I let a Hardy boy slip thru."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And he was absolutely NOT wearing scrubs in a misguided attempt at disguise!"

FancyShark

"He definitely stole all the pills someone left out!"

gellaho

Clearly very worried about the death threats against their family

Badgerman

"And he definitely ate all the donuts in the break room!"

"Definitely him! No one else!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And it was absolutely an accident and not calculated on my part for this cop killer to meet an early death. Honest!"

FancyShark

Mixing bowl? Respect to the gluttony

Badgerman

So we're not planning a funeral for Fenton or anything

gellaho

Why write this

Badgerman

Yeah, hang on, wait, what the FUCK, Joe?

1000 Space GDCs

Where is fenton, anyway?

FancyShark

Off giving hitmen cancer

Badgerman

Heav— no. No. Definitely the other place.

FancyShark

You're going to feel silly when this busts the case wide open

gellaho

This is how modems work sure. Straight to the printer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Look sometimes you just admit you want to eat a whole box of Lucky Charms and nobody can stop you. Thus mixing bowl.

gellaho

There is so much CONSUMPTION happening right now

Badgerman

He heard the blip! The bleep bloop! The bloop blops!

FancyShark

Frank doesn't look at a page until it's finished printing. He's OCD like that

gellaho

Just look at this

1000 Space GDCs

It would be hilarious if Mock died in bayport trying to kill Fenton only to realize Fenton was in europe all month.

FancyShark

Jesus, Joe. How are you not pure diabetes?

Badgerman

Chet is psychically assimilating into Joe's body from just offscreen

Rachel

Does he have a tapeworm?

Badgerman

It's the only explanation

gellaho

Well, the computer, modem, and printer add ten pounds each

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe hungers. He's eating for two since he picked up that extradimensional parasite.

FancyShark

At that moment, Chet's hands close over both of their mouths

gellaho

That's kind of the situation. He's literally in Philadelphia for a trial.

1000 Space GDCs

That's just Mirror Chet with his goatee shaved off

Badgerman

I like how this picture immediately drained Frank of all his blood

Rachel

Chet is pretty horrifying

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Chet wouldn't have missed the shot on Frank.

gellaho

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

When Chet sets out to bury a man, they get buried.

Badgerman

Got scooped on the Luke but didn't want to double gif

FancyShark

It's not like Chet as any motive aside from you getting his sister killed and always calling him fat

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nice try, ghostwriter. But no dice, You have to do better if you want us to think Chet puts down anything more than pizzas.

gellaho

Kind of seems like they don't really buy the Chet thing, book. How dare you lie to me

FancyShark

Fuck you for making them be reasonable, ghostwriter

Badgerman

The tornado paid off the computer to frame Chet!

My god. This scheme goes all the way to the top

1000 Space GDCs

Friends, plural. without Chet, it would be singular.

gellaho

Or, you know, the evil fat blond kid

FancyShark

"Heavyset" is too tame to refer to Chet

Badgerman

Yeah, because we haven't run into any more of those this book

1000 Space GDCs

No frank, the other guy you've been bodyshaming recently

not the one you allegedly like

gellaho

Don shows up and is not at all suspicious

FancyShark

That checks out. Boxes do fall on files.

Badgerman

Some people's cheeks are just like that, Joe. Rosacea isn't suspicious.

FancyShark

And you do check for files with your face.

1000 Space GDCs

a fist-shaped box fell on don's cheek

gellaho

I, DON, AM NOT LYING TO YOU

FancyShark

Joe, you heard his voice

gellaho

DO NOT SUSPECT ME, DON, I AM ONLY TRUTHFUL

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ghostwriter continually overlooks theyve introduced exactly one male character for it to possibly be, so the boys don't exactly need Hercule Poirot for this one.

Badgerman

We only know it was deep! We don't know that it sounded like Don!

Chet has a car?

Chet fits in a car?

FancyShark

Were there free donuts at the bank? Because Chet being there is not a mystery if so

1000 Space GDCs

This is like one of those mysteries where the killer is a guest star with top billing

FancyShark

Columbo had the decency to show the murderer up front

Badgerman

Columbo respected the audience's intelligence, and Hardy Boys fundamentally does not

gellaho

They go to the building where "Chet" and Callie went. Joe gets knocked down again

Rachel

So... callie is stored in a safety deposit box?

FancyShark

God, now I want a Columbo/Hardys crossover. Endless explosions while Columbo solves the case

Badgerman

That's how this one survived the tornado attack

gellaho

IT DEFINITELY WASN'T I, DON

FancyShark

If this was a play, the audience would be screaming at the stage by now

gellaho

Frank a little too perceptive

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

For detectives they sure are bad at knowing when someone is obviously lying.

Rachel

Don is mustache twirlingly innocent

Badgerman

The audience would be breaking down the box office demanding refunds

"He knew that Frank was just thinking out loud"

Just joshing. Just kidding around.

gellaho

TIME TO FEED

FancyShark

Joe wishes

Rachel

Just eat Don and end the book early

Badgerman

c o n s u m e

FancyShark

Joe proceeds to eat an adult harp seal on the kitchen table