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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ Poll Time 🚨
It's been a while, and this time the theme is TERROR. Vote for your favorite, and therefore, most terrifying.
Vote using the matching reaction. Polls close at 5pm Eastern.
🚋 #57 - Terror On Track
💼 #76 - Tagged For Terror
🏰 #94 - A Taste For Terror
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah. Train cover.
gellaho
One of these involves an astronaut and someone named Thor Sonderstrom. Best of luck figuring out which one
FancyShark
Joe's face on Tagged For Terror is sublime
They can't be going more than, what, five miles an hour?
Taste for Terror, he's in actual danger from being a clumsy doofus
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah he had to have stood up on those crenellations. A childhood filled with PSAs have told me he has whatever happens coming, and maybe if he's lucky the GI Joe with a jetpack will save him.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Oh I gotta go with Thor!
Badgerman
These are all so good but I can't turn down a good old fashioned train shenanigan
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
I hope Thor is on the train!! Win win!!
Badgerman
I know Tagged for Terror is the start of the Assassins arc but I don't think multiple votes are allowed and if you make me choose between train and airport golf cart, train will win every time
1000 Space GDCs
Those crenellations look like an escher painting
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 82: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #57: Terror On Track
Well, the bad news is that most of you missed the poisoning of Thor Sonderstrom. As punishment, you are being put on THE VIRUS TRAIN. Join Frank, Joe, and Andrew Driscoll (whoever that is). As they journey halfway across the country on a train carrying a deadly disease for...reasons. Get your tickets ready for this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badgerman
Oh so it's a Covid novel
gellaho
Covid famously started spreading from a clandestine train operated by teens
unless you listen to the man
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Badgerman
Man, they got an awful lot riding on three dumbass teens to be putting them on a cross country train ride with the T-virus
Like, not even one armed guard? Did they at least give the train marshal a heads up?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Change three dumbass teens to one half dead cop, some guys sister and a little girl and you have a close approximation of the ending of RE2.
FancyShark
Oh shit, a virus headed to Chicago?! But that's where the computers are!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its up to Frank and Joe to save DeepDish.EXE!
gellaho
The next one is SPIKED! so they're going straight back to California
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Awww shucks, no Thor.
gellaho
A little over an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #57: Terror on Track. Here is the preview
FancyShark
Like the waterfall confrontation scene in The Fugitive if Harrison Ford never noticed Tommy Lee Jones and had a spaz attack
Badgerman
It's at least nice to know that a book predicated on Frank and Joe Hardy eating shit on a train is going to come as advertised
gellaho
Time to begin the process
Badgerman
The Boooooooooook Traiiiiiiiin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, Throw Momma From the Train 2: Throw Hardy from the Train!
Choo choo!
FancyShark
Thomas was through taking the other engines' shit
gellaho
Alrighty
Badgerman
Instantly fucking weird. Let's go
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Running over a Hardy boy is how you get Sir Topham Hat to recognize you are Very Useful.
FancyShark
Disgusting, yet simple
Badgerman
Also Joe is taking that goon's kick straight in the nards on the cover
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Is it prehensile? Try picking up this mug."
FancyShark
"Joe, close the bathroom door"
Badgerman
Fuck, if Zidane from FF9 showed up this book would be so much better.
1000 Space GDCs
The Hardy boys are tampering in God's domain.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, Frank. You HAVE GOT to see this one. I swear its not a shit."
"Well not just a shit."
gellaho
It's just a car, but this ghostwriter thinks he's written a noire
FancyShark
Because traffic is so light around San Francisco International
Brendan
MiBs!
Badgerman
Toot toot chugga chugga Big Black Car!
We'll tail em near, we'll chase em fa-aa-ar!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
IN this one Frank and Joe have had the faces of developers making a weird face pasted on over their polygonal meshes.
Badgerman
Don't ask about the mipmaps on the MiBs
gellaho
Not really much of a tail then
gellaho
FancyShark
And the tension is thwarted
Badgerman
It was a tail!
It was not.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe are justifiably paranoid.
Could have been their dad.
1000 Space GDCs
They weren't tailing you, you were just hogging the passing lane
Badgerman
Frank strongly believes there's no reason to ever exceed the posted speed limit.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It had diplomatic plates. Hey remember when we caused that international incident?"
FancyShark
"Golly, that sure was mysterious!"
"THE SPEED LIMIT'S 75, ASSHOLE!"
gellaho
Fenton will be played by James Earl Jones
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fenton is lying on the floor so people cant see him.
FancyShark
Per Mom's request
Ozzie
"Good thing one person in this car full of detectives thinks to gather evidence" thought the driver.
Badgerman
Fenton Hardy must be like 65 by now, why can't this man just retire
gellaho
You know, the science magazines
Brendan
Professionals say an effective tail requires at least three Fentons.
Badgerman
Good old Science Magazine
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So he invented a new kind of LSD?
Or made a chemical weapon.
One of those.
1000 Space GDCs
He's discovered the Philosopher's Stone
FancyShark
"You mean Arthur Driscoll, the inventor of the dirty bomb?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So LSD then?
Badgerman
Also, fucking Fritz Haber exists. If you're gonna namedrop namedrop somebody in a relevant field
gellaho
Something terrible is happening to Joe's body
gellaho
Kids love Fritz Haber
FancyShark
Driscoll discovered how baking soda and vinegar combine to make a boring science project
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yes son, he invented a bomb to aerosolize LSD and disperse it over a wide area so communist infiltrators would lose their will to live."
Badgerman
They should! He's the reason so many of them are so fucking overweight!
1000 Space GDCs
Joe's pecs continued to spasm uncontrollably
gellaho
Oopsie
FancyShark
"He discovered the chemistry between himself and his lab assistant. The trial is Tuesday."
Badgerman
Counting muscles with his tongue uhhhhh
Sorry, what?
Brendan
Chemistry virus whaaaa
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Uh dad.......if hes a professor of chemistry how did he make a virus?"
"With chemicals. Duh."
Ozzie
He was making some chocolate milk and fucked it all up.
FancyShark
I hate it when I accidentally create ebola
Brendan
or a bolo yeung
Badgerman
I was trying to make pop rocks better but I accidentally t-virus
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chemistry viruses usually just make you unfuckable and you learn how to make bombs and meth.
1000 Space GDCs
Maybe he was making a computer simulation and made his computer explode
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Chemist accidentally made virus" is a comic book origin story for a very unusual sort of Golden Age character.
gellaho
This train is just full of things
Badgerman
The virus vaccine, which is full of the virus
FancyShark
"That's right, they hired a private eye and his children instead of a PMC"
Badgerman
The Six Million Dollar Chemistry Virus
gellaho
The gun snout
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And before you ask, no. Nobody can make more of the vaccine, nobody wrote the recipe down."
Brendan
Maybe he's the einstein of biochem
Badgerman
But did it have a droop snoot
FancyShark
The gun is driving the car!
Brendan
Maybe his work is so nuanced he prints RNA by hand
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe is the Einstein of recognizing firearms.
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
That's just how I describe it 'the snout of the gun'
gellaho
Snack-aholic
FancyShark
Callie knows what Chet likes to munch
Badgerman
Im rooting so hard for Chet to steal Callie right out from under the Hardies
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank wont even notice.
1000 Space GDCs
Callie keeps telling frank how much better Chet is at munching, but he just doesn't get it.
Brendan
I don't even need Chet to have a Blofeld moment anymore, I just want him to be happy.
FancyShark
This will be Callie Lost Number. The one that didn't die, but also didn't stay around Frank
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He deserves it after his idiot friends got his sister exploded.
Badgerman
One day without the Hardies around ought to just about do it
FancyShark
The trick is Chet is always happy. He's always living his best day. Like a golden retriever that doesn't age
Brendan
Hey, by the way, it's good to be here with you all. I've been running full tilt at articles all week and am thiiiis close to turning in the next Hot Dog, but I daresay I've earned a couple hours off and I choose Hardy Party.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Later iterations will have an electrode planted in their brain so they cant leave.
gellaho
Then, at the lab, Eldery Scientist throw attack
Brendan
Treasure these digital gatherings, friends.
FancyShark
Same, Brendan! Great to have you here!
Badgerman
We love you Brendan!
gellaho
He just loved it when his sister got car bombed
1000 Space GDCs
Glad you could escape from your brutal Hot Dog taskmasters
Badgerman
Man every fictional scientist has to be an Einstein xerox
FancyShark
Best. Day.
Brendan
I want just one Feynman banging bongos and babes.
FancyShark
Love all y'all, too. Now, let's read about a virus on a train
gellaho
This is how you steal a vaccine, you walk into a lab and just start punching an old man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its like Train to Busan but slower.
Brendan
how did you reply to yourself?
gellaho
It is mildly confusing
FancyShark
That is how I get my prescriptions
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I didnt give it to them because I forgot to take notes! I'm good at chemistry, not writing."
Badgerman
Fucking insurance companies, man
FancyShark
Click the three dots on the far right of your post and you should get a Reply option
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I refused to comply with their demands. The Gates chips dont arrive til Tuesday! Their testicles would remain unengorged!"
gellaho
The hawk man has so many animal characteristics
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Face of the hawk, strength of the bear.
Something I didnt entirely catch.
BRAVESTARRRRRR!
gellaho
Some great security at this top secret lab
Brendan
whoa
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its Learning Day for Brendan.
gellaho
That was close
1000 Space GDCs
does anyone have 'someone fails to run over a Hardy' on their bingo card?
Brendan
Just glad I don't have to explain Bravestarr to this Discord.
FancyShark
That's the free space
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I do but its too early to tell if I get a bingo.
gellaho
Joe hates nerds
FancyShark
Frank suspects the black car might have followed them
Ozzie
He missed a flying tackle on a guy that was walking toward him but dodged the car.
Badgerman
I mean I don't know what it is just yet but I'll roll with it
Badgerman
Frank with the instant nerd apologetics
Joe just decks him
FancyShark
You will be edumacated later, @Badgerman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For once I agree with Joe? Nobody helps the teen boys in their apparent death struggle? Not a single Gordon Freeman in this place?!
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
'That one scientist might be an actual sheep' -Joe
gellaho
You know government ids. Don't ask what kind
FancyShark
Joe's talking to a pen of sheep at a petting zoo
1000 Space GDCs
"That's what we test the virus on, Joe"
Badgerman
Yeah but did they have their Real IDs?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Frank, I think this might not be a science place. That security guard looks awful goat like."
"Frank.........did we just break into a zoo and fight a red tailed hawk?"
FancyShark
"And he's eating too many tin cans to be normal security"
gellaho
And Ma-Ti with the power of heart death
FancyShark
"Which is a bit hyperbolic since it just makes you shit out your stomach"
Badgerman
Ma-Ti's heel turn shocked and decimated the ranks of the Planeteers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"They tried setting the victims on fire, burying them, throwing them in the ocean, and finally just blowing on them."
"The weird part was when a dude with like blue skin showed up and just kind of......wandered around."
1000 Space GDCs
Driscoll introduces the Hardys to his boss, Wesker
FancyShark
Fatality so high, it actually isn't a problem
1000 Space GDCs
That's what we were going for.
gellaho
You done goofed, Driscoll
Badgerman
The Hardies are definitely spin-off characters that get punted into the Reveliatons games
The Hardy Boys IN: "The Andromeda Strain"
FancyShark
Joe, hit yourself
1000 Space GDCs
Driscoll realizes he has to back up and explain rudimentary genetics.
And sighs deeply
Ozzie
Joe's favorite mutant superhero is X-Man.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also I didnt so much mutate it accidentally as "I am not qualified to work with a virus and lied to get this job.", my real name is Harold Quonset and I manage a McDonalds."
FancyShark
Driscoll makes a mental note to label everything so Joe won't eat a beaker
1000 Space GDCs
And then he realizes he's a chemist, and that isn't his area
gellaho
"I don't want any strangers. I want this man I briefly met years ago and his sons"
Brendan
MA-TI-19 is a hoax!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I met your dad at a symposium about using chemical aids to stop crime."
FancyShark
Chicago: That hub of biowarfare
Badgerman
This is almost exactly how they hook you into a DLC questline in a campaign that didn't foreshadow it at all
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He asked me if I could "Juice up" teen boys, and make them super detectives or something."
gellaho
Curt Loring
FancyShark
"No, seriously. What's his name?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I told him that would be unethical, so he started asking me about mind control drugs."
1000 Space GDCs
Curt Loring is a hobbit
Ozzie
Curt Loring more like Dirt Boring
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Curt Loring is an animator for Warner Brothers.
FancyShark
He's no Rex Moran
gellaho
Fleshy face
Brendan
Or corsican.
1000 Space GDCs
Curt Loring is a very Bobson Dugnutt name.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Whats the difference? Napoleon had hairy feet.
Brendan
God, he's going to show up someday when we most need him.
gellaho
Update: Driscoll is a moron
Ozzie
"I'll show ya. Got twenty bucks?"
FancyShark
If anyone can protect a lethal virus as it journeys across the American Midwest, it's the A-Tea- wait, what?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Look, being a science doer doesnt mean I word good. What the fuck is a shelf?"
FancyShark
Driscoll just got his ass kicked. Maybe give him a few minutes to recover?
Brendan
Plum Island is RIGHT THERE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Explain this word "Gaaaaaaaaa-me" as well."
1000 Space GDCs
"Haven't you ever seen Demolition Man?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh the one with the three seashells?"
"No, never."
gellaho
"Remember when I said that I didn't want strangers?"
Badgerman
Oh so the virus isn't even on the train
What are we even doing here, ghostwriter
FancyShark
And since everything is handled with the utmost care by passenger flight baggage handlers, the world is safe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hiring a big security firm, to securely transport the vials by secure truck.
Securely.
Ozzie
Why a private security firm, then? Why not give it to Chet and tell him to meet you in Chicago?
gellaho
Then they head over to Andrew's house and surely nothing will happen
Badgerman
Knowing how this writer treats Chet he'd probably eat it
FancyShark
Thirsty as a crack, that old saying
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"NOOOOOOO MY DEDUCTIBLE!"
"Ill never get my deposit back now!"
"DAmmit, Dad. I told you we should have rented this car with your name!"
Ozzie
Joe was for sure about to finish a saying with at least 2 slurs in it, so that was good timing.
gellaho
Well, they avoided the bullets by going straight into a ditch
FancyShark
Thanks, Censor Rifle!
Badgerman
Classic maneuver
First thing they taught me at drivers Ed
gellaho
The crash is so hard that a goddamned wheel flies off
gellaho
They're fine though
FancyShark
ohhh, it did that thing that one road sign always warns about
1000 Space GDCs
They go through vans as fast as they go through Callies.
FancyShark
The one that warns about a truck doing a corkscrew spin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank is just tumbling around the vehicle still strapped to his seat.
Badgerman
Cars back then were designed to fall apart in a crash to protect the passen— no? No, they weren't? They should be beef stroganoff right now?
FancyShark
The inside of the van looks like a jar of raspberry preserves
gellaho
The sniper is scared off by an old woman
1000 Space GDCs
Joe always insists that seatbelts cause more fatalities than they prevent
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank should look like that dude in Adaptation when he backs out of his drive and gets t-boned.
FancyShark
Old ladies can track snipers by a single shot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Old ladies are the snipers natural predator.
Snipers fear the scent of Werthers Originals and bug spray.
1000 Space GDCs
Mrs Lubben worked with the French resistance during the war, she knows how to handle a sniper
FancyShark
She still has the scalps on her knitting room wall
Badgerman
Remember when Looney Tunes made Granny an OSS agent
It's like that
gellaho
Later, at the train station. Babe alert
gellaho
Talia Neiman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Dont worry dears. Back when I was your age I slit six Nazi SS men from crotch to gullet and left the sniper with his fascist dick in his own mouth as a warning to his fellows."
FancyShark
Well, Talia, you certainly have a Chicago name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No woman named Talia can possibly be anything but a femme fatale.
Badgerman
"Is that a vaccine in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Brendan
I would be very interested in reading Joseph Q. Dixon's account of this scene.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She has six knives, a sword and a pair of nunchucks on her at all times.
gellaho
Callie feels a disturbance in the air
gellaho
Badgerman
3:15, that classic time to have lunch
FancyShark
"I hope you like overpriced beer and lukewarm potato chips"
Badgerman
Of course they do, they're all going to Chicago!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Talia has studied Frank. She knows the best way to expose a Hardy boy is to give them a free meal.
1000 Space GDCs
Callie is briefly disturbed, but is quickly distracted by Chet's munching again
FancyShark
It's so attentive and thorough
gellaho
Joe using Callie's full name, certainly not weird
Badgerman
Chet is a generous lover. Except on pizza night. Then the food aggression kicks in
Brendan
Has one of these Hardys ever even gotten to first base?
FancyShark
Then the guilt dissolved and Frank resumed cataloguing peoples fingers
Badgerman
I'm sure they have with some Callie or another but they always get exploded
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Callies full name is how Joe triggers Franks Manchurian posthypnotic programming.
Badgerman
Wait, oh my god, is this actually a Callie clone? Is this some more Project Lazarus bullshit?
Brendan
Really turning the screws on Frank there.
FancyShark
Nonsense. Where are they going to find an actress in San Francisco?
gellaho
MUST CONSUME CANDY
Badgerman
I'm so invested in book cage that now I have a thick layer of dumb lore built up on my brain.
Brendan
your date looks like your dead love, Jane Girlfriendname
Badgerman
This is my Warhammer.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Fuck you Frank. Im going to go eat candy with my NEW brother, Andrew."
FancyShark
"Candy machine" means "Tic Tac dispenser"
Badgerman
He thinks it's a candy machine but it's actually for cigarettes
1000 Space GDCs
We're going to eat candy and make chemistries.
Badgerman
He still eats them though. He likes how they clump up when they get wet
gellaho
On the way to try and find Andrew, Joe is distracted by teens
Brendan
Is Callie still alive or something?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"These "Pall Mall" menthol flavored candy sticks are terrible."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Assuming Chet hasnt sucked her pussy so hard her head caved in, yes.
Badgerman
Oh shit, they sent in Red Grant
FancyShark
Someone trying to pull the switch to shut Joe off
FancyShark
If you can call being Frank's girlfriend "alive"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Welp, you knew Andrew for like an hour before he tried to strangle you, Joe. Nice job.
Badgerman
Unrelated but the image of a Hitman trying to strangle someone with the pull string on a Sheriff Woody doll made me happy
FancyShark
Andrew lasted longer than most!
1000 Space GDCs
Well done 47, target eliminated
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh here's your problem. Someone set this thing to "Dipshit."
Brendan
Have we ever seen Callie allve? I'm starting to think she never existed.
gellaho
You guys really like fantasizing about the sexual exploits of these high schoolers, huh
Badgerman
"You'reee my faaavorite deputyyy!"
"ack ghhhhk wheeze"
FancyShark
We may be overinvested in Chet's happiness
Brendan
I'm a Mrs. Hardy man myself.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also they've been teens for over 40 years.
gellaho
You'll never guess that Joe got away
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Yes I came in just in time for my favorite part
Badgerman
He didn't even get free, the strangler just gave up
FancyShark
Completely fumbles the kill at the slightest bit of resistance, just like a pro
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but good for Joe to remember the best way to get out of being garrotted is to just blast the person strangling you in the guts until they let go or die.
gellaho
So many clues
1000 Space GDCs
you really need to commit with the fiber wire
FancyShark
I hope this goes in a Murder on the Orient Express direction
Badgerman
It would be more believable if she had just said "no, leave me alone, weirdo"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah you gotta saw it with the fibre wire, what you really want is piano wire so it slices into the windpipe.
Badgerman
Nobody likes to be bothered in public, least of all train commuters
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I'm visiting with ppl irl which is super rare so I'm going to miss the rest of this one but I'll get caught up later. Keep up the good riffs!
gellaho
"The guy who almost killed me was just so small and weak"
Badgerman
It's also more fun to call it piany wire.
FancyShark
Have fun, @LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree) !
Badgerman
Can't really do that with fiber wire
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Have fun with your company!
gellaho
I don't think they're commuting from San Francisco to Chicago
1000 Space GDCs
they get their choke-wires from the same place they get their gunsnouts
FancyShark
"It might have been one of the guys after the serum. Or maybe a random strangler. You know I have that effect on people."
Badgerman
Listen, Amtrak stans are diehard
Brendan
OK foamer
FancyShark
Can confirm. Those seats are so comfortable!
gellaho
Yeah, Frank, I bet double chin here is the short thin guy
gellaho
No, no that isn't your name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This guy is just nosy but hes got a .38 in his pocket.
FancyShark
This man just wants to get home to his wife and sausages
Badgerman
"I own Del Ray publishing."
1000 Space GDCs
Weird way to introduce yourself to a child
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And by "pharmaceutical supply" he means "Am a drug dealer."
gellaho
And it certainly isn't suspicious that you are in pharmaceuticals
Brendan
Rex Moran coming through!
1000 Space GDCs
or snouty, if you're a Hardy
Brendan
stress testing your dea network.
FancyShark
All he has to do is not get caught by the Hardys
So yeah, he's good
gellaho
Remember that Talia is in her twenties
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They dont catch criminals all the time. Usually the ones they do catch are the ones who decide to murder them for no good reason, so just dont do that and you'll be golden.
FancyShark
That attack on Joe was pretty captivating, guy who wasn't there
gellaho
Blushing through her bones
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank is an okay but not good brother. Hes worried about his brothers near death, but not so worried he cancels his lunch date.
🥐Chloe (i)
"Literally my job to, bud"
Badgerman
Punching way above your weight here, boys
This is clearly a JCVD love interest, y'all better skedaddle before he gets back
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank takes any opportunity he can to point at a womans torso.
FancyShark
He was pointing at her breasts and got lucky
gellaho
You are all forgetting that Frank is a robot
1000 Space GDCs
"a good photojournalist is never without boobs?"
🥐Chloe (i)
So uh, always have those? I mean that! That uh…. Lens thing!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes blushing because shes relieved he didnt ask about her necklace of ears and human teeth.
FancyShark
No, I know. He considers breasts inefficient
Badgerman
Joe's rubbing off on his machine learning algorithms
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Frank is more interested in the camera, it reminds him of computers
FancyShark
That's a good point
gellaho
He gets a big fat interloper anyway
FancyShark
Hell yes, Delray is John Candy
Badgerman
Always a great move to just plunk yourself down at the middle of someone else's table
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha Frank is getting out maneuvered by John Candy on a train.
gellaho
Frank is having a hard time with these very subtle clues
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I wish this old fat guy would fuck off so I can get back to asking Talia about her sweet succulent camera."
FancyShark
Delray thinks Frank's signaling a threesome. Or a murder pact. He's cool with it either way.
Badgerman
I wish John Candy had been around long enough to play against type like this. He'd have kicked ass
🥐Chloe (i)
Literally how is Frank supposed to be a detective, he's dumber than a baby
Badgerman
They just decanted this model, I think
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe likes to throw magnets at him, it messes with his onboard memory.
🥐Chloe (i)
Oh god are there magnets in cameras??? He spent too long looking at her boobs!
Brendan
I'm sorry. I went back up to the ballad of rex moran. It remains incredible. I'm crying.
🥐Chloe (i)
Call the robot ambulance! Franks having a stroke!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe encounters the scientist with a totally real name
🥐Chloe (i)
"This guys so boring" "MMMMMMYOU RANG???"
FancyShark
Curt Loring sounds like a guy who should be showing us how to catch river trout
gellaho
Ghostwriter really running with this grown woman and high schooler thing
FancyShark
Frank doesn't notice Talia putting so much emphasis on "sleeping"
Badgerman
Compartment M for Murder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Boy she must be real tired. We better not bug her."
Brendan
It bugged me to no end young fred was an idiot.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Meanwhile Andrew is just dead and rotting in a cabinet someplace.
Brendan
nit as much as anything Scrappy did but still
🥐Chloe (i)
Wait a second, Curt Loring sounds almost EXACTLY like Curtsexual Loringassault
Brendan
That's my dad.
gellaho
Andrew decided to fuck up the plan and just brought the vials with him
FancyShark
Fenton pulling one of his wacky international pranks
Badgerman
It's a real Andrew move tbh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey what do you think dad means when he said Andrew has the pee?"
"No, not pee, PEA. Its CODE."
"For?"
"Vegetables."
Brendan
Fucking car is near the caboose.
gellaho
Really great plan, Andrew
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Dad wants us to bust Andrew for smuggling undeclared fruits and vegetables!"
FancyShark
Frank doesn't notice her emphasis on "caboose" either
1000 Space GDCs
Andrew has anger management problems
Brendan
wait...from thenortheast to chicago?
🥐Chloe (i)
Not the weed!!! PLEASE DONT TELL ME THEY STOLE THE WEED!!!!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe already flushed it. They are supreme squares.
gellaho
WE MUST PLAN IN ABSOLUTE SECRECY
FancyShark
They started in San Francisco
🥐Chloe (i)
Tell me more about these vials
FancyShark
Or they REALLY suck at directions
FancyShark
One is a deadly virus that can murder the world. The other is the vaccine.
🥐Chloe (i)
Are they about 12 ounces, my little pony figurine at the bottom?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
How could Curt have penetrated our veil?! The only people who knew was us, dad, Curts dad, Andrew, everyone within earshot in that parking lot, and the entire security company we hired!
gellaho
UTMOST. SECRECY.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey mysterious hot lady with a camera, you seem honest. How about you help us with our crime busting capers?"
FancyShark
Talia just needs to move her garrote wire off the table
gellaho
The snack instinct is hard to overcome
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It pays zero dollars and you get all the danger you can eat."
gellaho
What are the odds the small, thin guy was actually a woman?
Impossible, I tell you
FancyShark
You're right. I'm sorry.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe would have smelled her.
Unless.........
HAY FEVER!
gellaho
Hey look, a new Con Riley
gellaho
This ghostwriter is really up on the series
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Riley clan really gets around, job wise.
Brendan
can't lie, I'd take that bet over Curt.
FancyShark
I can only hear him as Steele, forevermore
Badgerman
Con Ductor Riley
Brendan
Conbaby Riley shows up in book #86
gellaho
The hawk has returned
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its Birdman!
Watch out for his solar beams, Frank!
Badgerman
Starland Labs, just different enough from Star Labs to duck the copyright lawsuit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also his vicious dick kicks.
FancyShark
Because coming out with a pistol aimed at the gunman's own head would be a bit dark
Brendan
THIS is the bingo free space
gellaho
Lethal Load was the name of my hardcore band
Badgerman
Heheheh "lethal load"
Brendan
And MY snuff film!
FancyShark
And MY booty shorts line!
Badgerman
I'm still impressed they let you decant a Callie for that
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And my business transporting dangerous chemicals!
On trains!
gellaho
Certainly not suspicious that Talia let this guy get away
1000 Space GDCs
My accomplice would kill you!
FancyShark
This is before Talia's dad tried to make a name for himself and he was still R'has Al Neiman
Brendan
why are they talking like he left?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Gee this mysterious hot woman sure has a strong grip. Almost like a strangler."
gellaho
You can leave this evidence in the capable hands of this elderly assistant conductor, sure
FancyShark
If you ignore a killer, they can't see you
Brendan
the...other conductor?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gunmen are like T-Rexes, if you dont move they cant see you.
Badgerman
Yeah, don't pick it up, put a pen in the barrel and foul the rifling so no usable ballistics can be extracted
Badgerman
Riley's only the assistant conductor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its why they keep missing Frank and Joe.
gellaho
NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HERE
Brendan
Ass Con Riley, got it.
Badgerman
I don't think they get to call themselves detectives when they miss body cues that are LA Noire levels of obvious
FancyShark
Loring is terrified they'll discover he didn't pay for the comfort seat upgrade and just took the seat because no one claimed it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Since I'm not suspicious at all, can I just leave? I'd like to catch the murderer while hes still got time on his schedule for prowling the train looking for dipshits to kill."
gellaho
Aw, shucks
Badgerman
You wouldn't download a comfort seat 💀
FancyShark
Gee whiz!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Frank calm down. That sweater made you look like a Christmas ham with a brain injury. It's better this way."
1000 Space GDCs
Joe had just finished watching a Jordan Peterson video and was very upset with seeing his room messy
gellaho
You know, a human finger
gellaho
Lol
Badgerman
Fucking incredible.
FancyShark
Classic Andrew
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its just one of Joes.
His traveling fingers.
Badgerman
Thinking quickly, the boys write a letter to Fenton asking for a few gallons of hydrochloric acid
FancyShark
"Frank, I see a finger."
"Joe, you're pointing at your face again."
gellaho
Shit, actually dead
gellaho
Enjoy the garroting kids!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also SURPRISE the missing obviously dead guy is dead!
Badgerman
"Contorted face"
FancyShark
"Imagine being that horrible of a parent as to send your own child off on a dangerous mission"
"We should call Dad"
Badgerman
He can grow a new one, he's a chemist
gellaho
"Could you imagine how your parents would mourn your death, children?"
gellaho
"Why are you crying?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah Dad will know what to do. He always tells us what to do with the bodies."
1000 Space GDCs
This looks bad but it turns out Andrew wanted to go out David Carradine style
FancyShark
They especially didn't want to think about how hungry and eager Fenton had looked when they'd mentioned their own mortality once
Brendan
Frank can't even cup a tit in these books but a teenager gets garroted to the point of decapitation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I have even odds that in the event of a Hardy Boy expiring, Fenton just becomes convinced its an elaborate ruse.
gellaho
"The Tall Man From Starland" is my galactic alter ego
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Because Fenton did that once.
FancyShark
The killer is David Bowie?
Badgerman
"He would have had"
gellaho
The ten year olds should really be getting some nudity
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'd rather my ten year old read about titties than garrotting tbh.
Brendan
I'm just saying, you want your preteen imagining first love or last breath?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If I had to pick one.
gellaho
Andrew was up to some weird shit
FancyShark
No, Joe. He ate dog food. He was a deeply eccentric boy
Brendan
Great, now a dog is sad.
1000 Space GDCs
.Andrew was collecting some resident evil herbs
Badgerman
What, are we gonna visit the stonecutter and decide on a cenotaph next? Good god this is ghoulish
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Did the professor just.....put vaccine into dog treats?!
FancyShark
And a waifu pillow is sent to the incinerator
gellaho
"Riley fumbled the gun out a window"
gellaho
"Because, I gotta tell you, it's already hilarious!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You seem like nice boys, I cant imagine why someone would want to kill you."
FancyShark
I would pay money for a Steele/Peewee Herman buddy cop show
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"This near decapitated corpse, is this some kind of prank you non train people pull?!"
Badgerman
Kids these days with their dead body on train car pranks, grumble grumble
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
What is Hermans life like that he has to even ask that question?
1000 Space GDCs
Herman has been the victim of some extremely cruel pranks
FancyShark
He's been sprayed with so much fake blood, he doesn't even smell it any more
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just rolling his eyes dourly as he kicks a path thru fake severed heads.
1000 Space GDCs
His prom was actually the inspiration for Carrie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"These are just paper mache."
FancyShark
Last trip, a class of kindergarteners made him think he'd caused them to mass suicide because he ran out of animal crackers
Badgerman
Yeah that sounds like kindergarteners
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"cmon you guys. This is corn syrup and food coloring. Tickets please."
gellaho
They go through Curt's socks and are lucky to only find a phone number
FancyShark
"It's all crunchy from evidence."
Badgerman
"Since it was hidden in his sock it probably means he wanted to keep it safe— Christ in heaven what the fuck am I saying?!"
gellaho
Hawk man can only appear at the end of chapters
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Are you sure? Im having a hard time reading it. The ink ran, I think Andrew had sweaty feet."
1000 Space GDCs
Joe is amazed that frank could find a phone number by smell
Brendan
Frank calls the number and a person known only as De'vine De'vour tells him ASMR vore erotica.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
SWITCHBLADE! The crime knife!
Badgerman
Hawkman is too busy trying to figure out which version of his backstory is currently canon to be making further appearances in this book
gellaho
OK, ghostwriter, Jesus
FancyShark
"Huh. She must be in a sleeping car."
Brendan
So like...slicing his temple?
Badgerman
Unfortunately it was an inch in the wrong direction and nailed him straight in the brainpan
gellaho
Then Frank almost gets stabbed in the dick
FancyShark
Joe dodging a fucking Assassin's Creed attack
Badgerman
Frank just fucking dragging a dude down a flight of stairs
Brendan
And dragged a man down stairs. FUCK your dental work
FancyShark
Nothing says badass like a midfight promise to yourself
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats why you wear the big belt buckles, Frank. Ask Johnny Cash. Knife fight or ostrich duel, belt buckles keep your guts inside.
1000 Space GDCs
Joe nailed that QTE
Badgerman
CTE is great for interrogations!
gellaho
You know, the chin, the best target for a punch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You kinda........dont need to check the knife for prints guys. You KNOW who had it.
Badgerman
They don't declare the dude KOed so he could just be standing there wide awake while they keep going with the scene
gellaho
The pointiest part of the chin
FancyShark
"Then they ripped him in half like a loaf of bread"
gellaho
We need those claw prints!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Imagine Hambone manifested and did their bread scream emoji.
Badgerman
Oh NOW who's invested in these high schoolers' sex lives, hmm?
FancyShark
Hot damn, Joe
1000 Space GDCs
Joe fluffed like he'd never fluffed before
gellaho
Rob's loaded
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe Hardy: Super Fluffer.
Badgerman
Beat Magnum Hardy stops to luff
TWO INCHES THICK???
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Guys you are allowed to take the cash of the man who is trying to kill you while you rifle thru his pockets.
Badgerman
He just carried that shit around on him?
FancyShark
Bob Steiner: Professional Goon
Badgerman
Fucking take that dosh and run, lads. Fuck this detective bullshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The third Steiner brother just couldnt cut it in pro wrestling.
FancyShark
That's enough to buy them at least two meals
Brendan
i think it should be commonly accepted as fair play to mug anyone who sneak attacks you if you get the drop on them.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Three because its 80s early 90s money.
Brendan
That's just nuisance tax.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
OH SHIT THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET A BIGFOOT PIZZA FROM PIZZA HUT IF THE CHRONOLOGY LINES UP!
gellaho
"I guess I'll just trust you teens"
Brendan
That's like $2000
Badgerman
Do a deep bow so onlookers know they forefeited their possessions when they forced the fight
The Trainman!
I come out, and I throw trains all ov—all over the ring!
1000 Space GDCs
the law of the rails says your allowed to throw him off the train by the seat of his pants
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well by train law i cant arrest him. So we have to either scalp him or drag him behind the train."
1000 Space GDCs
if he has a bindle you get to keep it
FancyShark
"So by order of Train Law, scrape the man's face off on the ground as the train keeps moving. We don't fuck around on my train."
gellaho
MUST CONSUME TO REJUVENATE POWER, BROTHER
Brendan
"LET'S RAPE HIM!" cried the conductor, a crazy look in his eyes. The Hardys recoiled, aghast, as the trainmen fell to the unconscious Steiner and set upon him. Soon, he began to scream.
Badgerman
Keelhauling works a little differently on the rails, but it's the same general principle
Brendan
It's funny because it's their culture, not because a man is attacked.
FancyShark
Editor here: No
Badgerman
That's a pretty good bit there sport, what do you call it?
"The Aristocrats!"
gellaho
"Simmonds? Are you absolutely sure that D is supposed to be there?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its very close to a Whitest Kids U'Know sketch too.
Brendan
So I took an improv class and there was this one guy who, that was his actual punchline for half the scenes.
FancyShark
Captain Legally Distinct Character
Brendan
"Girls at camp? Let's paddle up and The Implication them."
1000 Space GDCs
That guy sounds exhausting
Brendan
He also honest to god did the michael scott thing once where he pulled out a finger gun.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Remember to enunciate the D in Simmondszzzzzz."
Brendan
So i guess to me now that level of crazy-ass response is its own lampoon. Sorry if I made it heavy.
gellaho
These two should probably be in prison for 1000 years based on how much obstruction of justice they have done
FancyShark
Honestly, you got a laugh out of me for going so far past dark it became hilarious
gellaho
I thought it was funny
Badgerman
I very briefly made the Hot Dan emote with my actual face
Brendan
You'd be finding vertebrae from California to Colorado
gellaho
But then again, I have read about so many rapes in these books
Well, not these books
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hardy boys are more about blowing women up.
gellaho
And themselves
FancyShark
I mean, the idea of a train conductor going so drunk with power the instant they get the okay from a pair of teenagers to take charge made it hysterical
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And their friends property.
gellaho
Now, I'm old enough to remember pay phones in my childhood. I'm pretty sure you didn't operate them via wire
Brendan
Chet overeats so he has shockwave absorption mass.
except for TV Chet who's a golden god.
Brendan
Did they get a message? Maybe it has a phone number on it like a telegram wire.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its the attachment Frank inserts into his ear to make the noises he needs to make free phone calls.
Badgerman
Frank seems like the kind of dork who still uses semaphore because it's more mechanically interesting to him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
i guarantee Frank has read a book about smoke signals.
gellaho
Oh, right. They got a telegram fucking thirty pages ago and haven't mentioned it since
Badgerman
He read about the Clacks in Discworld once and it was all over for him
gellaho
The kids in 1991 fucking loved telegrams
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn right we did.
Brendan
What a strange period. Like Old West towns in 1910.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Telegrams, Ninja Turtles, and Bigfoot pizzas from pizza hut.
Brendan
"Yeah, this was a gunfighter brothel when I was 20. Anyway, now it's a 7/11."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You could house your whole family in the box.
Badgerman
Man, I missed out on so much cool 90s shit
FancyShark
#1 item for a full decade. Tickle Me Elmo wishes it had the telegram's body count
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That pizza took up your whole table.
Badgerman
Most 7/11s never stopped being gunfighter brothels
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was like being a fucking king.
Brendan
We had polar bears, internet, and sane Republicans. Never see the like again, I tell ya.
gellaho
Good job, Driscoll, got your kid killed
Badgerman
You lucky ducks. At least I had Pokemon Emerald. Small victories
Brendan
"Professor your son is dead and I met someone from New York!"
FancyShark
We also had Ecto Cooler
Badgerman
The professor also doesn't trust close personal acquaintances, apparently
Brendan
You can still get Ecto Cooler if you find a Filipino joint to sell you calamansi juice.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
What is the world coming to when you cant trust the shady detective and his unpaid teen sons to transport your deadly virus and vaccine cross country in a safe and efficient manner?
Brendan
Well, my son is dead, but at least I invented a deadly virus.
gellaho
They kind of randomly decide a wood box contains Curt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You can always make a new son. I am a chemist after all."
Brendan
The professor is absolutely going to douse himself in Ma-Ti and leap from the Sears Tower to punish this world for what it did to him.
Badgerman
"Sorry we broke into your luggage, ma'am, but we thought there was a dead body inside. Don't worry, we're professional teen detectives, we have a permit."
gellaho
They force a cabbie to follow the van
Brendan
"I'm eighteen, so sex."
1000 Space GDCs
If I was a cabbie I would live for the day someone told me to follow that van
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Unfortunately being a chemist he doesnt understand the virus is transmitted by body fluids so he's only dangerous to people in the splash zone.
gellaho
Turns out, just flowers
Badgerman
Ghostwriter decided a cross country train ride wasn't enough to hand a story on and called an audible
Brendan
Yes, but the odds are significant that Chet will eat him.
FancyShark
Just hand over the perennials and no one gets hurt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Randomly accosting people just doing their jobs is the Hardy way, and the American way.
1000 Space GDCs
Florists always hire the angriest goons to unload their deliveries
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Union job is a union job.
gellaho
On the way back they run into Delray. Who has heard about the murder, but somehow doesn't know their involvement
Badgerman
They have a gig to go puppet a giant cricket costume on the Arena set at 5
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And I'd be irritated if two boy detectives burst into my workplace and yelled "STOP RIGHT THERE, MALEFACTORS!"
Brendan
This guy is so cool.
gellaho
Jesus, what a ghoul
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's secretly Keyser Soze!
Brendan
White Lotus S3: Hard Train to Nowhere
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What are you, chubby? A cop? You dont smell like bacon."
gellaho
Then Talia tries robbing two cradles
Floygwai
Shit, I came in and the O'Driscoll is dead? The hell'd you do that for, Dutch?
Wait shit sorry still in Arthur mode from hot dog talk
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You want me to come?"
"Yeah sure.....I want you both to "come."
Badgerman
She's gotten so many free meals out of these dunces
FancyShark
"She emphasizes words oddly, Joe"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe is playing everyones favorite game, "Three way or double homicide."
gellaho
Everything's coming up Driscoll
Floygwai
So how many Hardy boys have died so far
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Watch, she also makes this weird face, where her eybrows go up and down."
Floygwai
I'm gonna guess three
Badgerman
"Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead"
- Ben Franklin, who probably knew a thing or two about threesomes and homicides
FancyShark
Two mugs. He was mugged by actual mugs
gellaho
That's not his name
FancyShark
Sergeant must've had a tough time in school
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
One of the mugs reads "I'm with stupid." and the other "Liberal Tears."
Badgerman
Sergeant Yankton is a character from a satire of the US involvement in WWI
Brendan
The misery bit is the really telling "I punish myself by being with men I despise" detail.
gellaho
Gasp
FancyShark
Steiner fucking ruled
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
These cops just are super quick to accept these teen boys as authority figures.
gellaho
Gasp
Badgerman
Holy shit this dude was ready to fucking party
Floygwai
133 and a third chance of solving this case! But I'm a genetic freak!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Orrrrrr he could have used the twist method. You make a noose out of the wire and when you slip it over their head, you twist it and the torque provides the strangling by itself.
Er..........hypothetically.
In Minecraft.
1000 Space GDCs
A fiber wire, a knife and a sawed off shotgun. That was definitely 47.
All that was missing was a wrench and lockpicks
FancyShark
And a wig
Badgerman
Those were waiting at his dead drops
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He wasnt going for a ghost run with poison at least.
Floygwai
And a can of beans
Badgerman
Was he dressed like a clown and everyone just refused to comment on it? Definitely 47.
gellaho
NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HERE
Attachment file type: unknown
IMG_20221118_191335.jpg
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Brendan
Maybe the nerve damage is from all the garrote tension.
gellaho
Alright, fuck you too, Discord
Let's try again
Floygwai
Wanna see more? Download Discord Prime!
Brendan
It would be next to impossible for a man to wrap a wire around his coat sleeve and pull with the other hand.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Talia: Mysterious, has a sinister name, strong hands, distrusts cops, always in the right place at the right time.
Badgerman
This is the longest walk to get to one of those "the doctor is a woman?!?!?" reveals
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hmmmmmm.
FancyShark
So hot
Badgerman
:chinhands:
gellaho
Joe gets to play with a camera
gellaho
I think you are probably a little too old for her
Brendan
Joe doesn't understand aperture or art.
Floygwai
I wonder if this Yankton guy knows Michael de Santa
Badgerman
Joe sets off the gun hidden in the camera by mistake and pops Frank right in the dome
FancyShark
Probably
Floygwai
I'll get out of Rockstar reference mode soon enough sorry folks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe has to do the camera shit because Frank would get too........excited.
gellaho
Nothing suspicious there
Badgerman
BANG
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe: "HES GOT A BOMB!" and leaps under a table, and starts to shiver.
Brendan
Glowering: a classic criminal trait
FancyShark
It's like glowing, but sinister
Badgerman
Default tech into expression when they sense a camera on them
Floygwai
Fitting that The Ray is doing it
gellaho
They break into Deleay's compartment
gellaho
Badgerman
Oh boy, a science feature on serums, sizzling reading indeed
gellaho
No, ghostwriter, you've been wasting my time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Delray is just an innocent guy who takes audio notes.
The reason they suspect him? Cos hes fat.
1000 Space GDCs
The hardys are mad at him because they were wrong
FancyShark
And that's how Rex Moran evades the cops
Brendan
But a snappy dresser
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Hardy boys never pass a chance to be suspicious of large people.
Badgerman
He shrugs off the fatsuit immediately after they leave
Brendan
They've been teasing it out so long, when do we get Evil Chet?
steak awaits, see you soon.
FancyShark
Steak well, sir!
Floygwai
'A man is dead! But FUCK YOU, paparazzi! Get outta my train!'
Badgerman
You say Evil, I say Extremely Justified
gellaho
They learn from an old lady that someone is just running around on top of the train
Badgerman
It would seem that Loring, if it even is him, the writer hasn't decided yet, is headed for the back of the train
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit FAust is coming!
FancyShark
There's nobody to hear footsteps headed for the car where no one can hear footsteps!
gellaho
That impetuous Joe
Badgerman
Frank followed behind in half-hearted pursuit
Floygwai
He should be called Curt Luring because he's really good at doing that
FancyShark
Now Curt's trying to escape before they discover he took a roll of TP from one of the other rooms
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joes skin flaps that enable him to glide from tree to tree betray him again!
gellaho
There goes that impetuous Joe Hardy
1000 Space GDCs
Joe regretted not believing that hammer pants had gone out of style
Badgerman
It's all gonna be worth it in like five books when he uses them to wingsuit off the CN Tower and save the day, though
Floygwai
Ah yes, the caboose roof. The caboof, as experts call it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Impetuously falling on his ass and sliding off a moving train. What a rascal that joe Hardy is.
gellaho
Tension successfully avoided
Badgerman
And then he went over!
The Wrestlemania crowd went bonkers!
Yeah, I tried rocking a ladder on the side of my caboose once. Kept snagging it on doorframes though. Very annoying
FancyShark
He's got his hands all over that train's ass
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"INches from death, Joe looked his brother in the eye and said "I should have ordered a fifth cheeseburger. With bacon!"
Floygwai
There's always gotta be a convenient ladder on the side of the train whenever someone falls off
Badgerman
It's what they're for!
FancyShark
Frank picking an odd time to admire his brother's hair
gellaho
I love that this ghostwriter thought he needed to explain what a shell game is, but freely uses "impetuous" and "stanchion"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's thinking of ways he can use it when Joe is scraped off the tracks.
Badgerman
That's European outsource work for you. Always talking down to their American audiences
gellaho
Not the stanchion!
Floygwai
Stanchion is my favorite type of salad dressing
FancyShark
Loring's on the stanchion!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kick. Frank. Off. The. Train!
FancyShark
Boy vs Chemist is not as exciting as it sounds
Badgerman
With a wild cry, like a nerd whose Pokémon cards got tore up and who'd finally lost it on the playground
gellaho
Getting a little sexy with Herman
Badgerman
Just pure dork-berserker energy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah Herman DEEP in that caboose.
FancyShark
Herman going to hulk out
gellaho
Not a lot of fight in Loring
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Collar open, tie undone. Herman: After Dark.
Badgerman
HERMAN UNDERGROUND
Floygwai
Thank you for reading out the title credits, Herman
I dunno why you needed to unbutton your shirt to do that, but thanks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh does he know the penalty for stowing away on Herman Mermansons train?"
1000 Space GDCs
"okay, you boys have fun with the interrogation"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hold him down while I fetch the peelers."
FancyShark
"Car battery's in the cable car"
gellaho
"My plan was to indiscriminately murder anyone who tried to get me off the roof"
Badgerman
And to his credit, it was a great plan!
Simple, actionable, easy to remember
gellaho
Loring, asking for protection from the two teens
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Im so sorry that I, in a panic, tried for several sustained minutes to kill you, Hardy Boys."
FancyShark
Loring is trying so hard not to admit he only tipped 3% on a $50 lunch bill
Badgerman
The fucking monster
gellaho
Hmmmmmmm
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I KNOW its supposed to be 10% but I dont BELIEVE in tipping!"
FancyShark
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He said the organization rhymes with Shmilluminati or something."
Badgerman
"Shut up, it's late, manuscript's due tomorrow, just work with me here"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe and Frank again fail to realize they have eliminated all other named characters and now have exactly ONE suspect.
gellaho
This shit with the dog better pay off
FancyShark
"I only had a $50 and a $10 and I still need to catch a cab when we reach the station!"
gellaho
Moisten those lips
Badgerman
The hallmark of a great mystery novel is when they just kind of bumble from one suspect to another gathering exactly zero relevant clues
FancyShark
Thank god Steiner was an idiot who spoke out loud for the audience's benefit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Curt. I have a lot of sympathy for a guy just trying to get some extra cash, but you caused the death of a man whith a dog. Burn in piss hell.
1000 Space GDCs
Oh, is this where they got the tail from?
gellaho
"Yeah, you almost killed yourself on top of the train for no reason"
FancyShark
STOP DRIVING IN THE PASSING LANE, DAMMIT!
Badgerman
Frank was amazed!
I mean, fuck, I guess someone had to be
gellaho
Noooooooooooo
FancyShark
Or like shooting people in a small room. No wait, I see the use of the analogy now
Badgerman
"Hey curt, any idea where you left the remote?"
"I don't—noooooooooo!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah take that bullet Joe. Sweet kiss of hot lead welcoming you into the arms of your dead girlfriend at least.
gellaho
Angry coughs
Badgerman
Oh also he stared at the door after speaking the longest single syllable in history apparently
FancyShark
I bet Loring is glad he has the Hardys' protection now
gellaho
Jesus H Christ
gellaho
FancyShark
This author isn't allowed in funeral homes
Badgerman
It creased him. Like you would a piece of paper
gellaho
"Did you like the part where the man got shot in the head, kids?"
"Why are you crying!?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe has to hug himself to keep from poking the gunshot wound.
Badgerman
Courier Six: The Early Gigs
1000 Space GDCs
yeah i think that was supposed to be grazed. Nice work, editor
FancyShark
This author goes to the ER on weekends to people watch
gellaho
Frank the Sociopath emerges
Badgerman
If it had greased him that'd be another problem entirely
FancyShark
Golly! What a story this man's personal ruin will make!
gellaho
"Are you seriously asking me about their fucking dog? I've been shot in the goddamned head!"
Floygwai
'A man had been shot. And yet, still, Frank desperately wanted to punch his dick'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Wilikers, this is going to make a neat clipping for the files I keep in a locked box under the bed back home." thought frank.
"Wha.......I got.......shot and you're asking about Checkers?"
1000 Space GDCs
Oh wait, the dog has the virus, it's a The Thing.
Badgerman
Jesus, I think it's serious. Curt can only communicate in monosyllables now.
gellaho
Frank took this information from the man with a headwound as gospel
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Checkers......is..........he's a senior..........dog."
FancyShark
Frank's Idea: A ten-year fixed mortgage
1000 Space GDCs
Frank forgets that normal humans don't shrug off head trauma like Joe
Professor Driscoll is going to lose everything. his dog, his son, and I bet his wife divorces him, both for making a deadly virus and for killing their son.
FancyShark
Global armageddon would definitely come up in counseling
gellaho
The ghostwriter briefly forgets that it's "Herman" not "Sherman"
gellaho
Badgerman
"Please, Herman was my father. Call me Sherman."
FancyShark
Herman was sick that day so they called his understudy
Floygwai
For fuck's sake it's on the same page
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sherman Herman: Train Motherfucker.
Badgerman
Went to a new promotion and had to rebrand to Japanese Herman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fridays on HBO.
1000 Space GDCs
Sherman "The Tank" Herman
gellaho
Beyond the Dining Car was the name of my prog band
FancyShark
"I mean, it'd suffocate"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well its not the first time we looked for a dead dog."
Floygwai
What a coincidence, mine was That Hamburger from the Dining Car
FancyShark
"Not up his ass, Joe."
Brendan
hi
Badgerman
101 Dining Car Hamburger Jokes
1000 Space GDCs
At the end of the dining car is just a sign that says 'here be dragons'
FancyShark
Hi, @Brendan ! Loring is dead. Steiner's evil.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's really just Hermans nap space, but the dog kept barking so he had to get DEEP in the caboose.
gellaho
Andrew decided this top secret mission was the best time get a new dog
FancyShark
Puppy!
Brendan
Sad because its owner died.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Andrew died days ago so that puppy definitely needs some food and water and a bath.
FancyShark
Thank you for telling us the puppy was cute, ghostwriter
Badgerman
Nothing better happen to this fucking puppy, ghostwriter.
gellaho
Flawless disguise?
Badgerman
You will be found.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe you asshole its a puppy.
Yes, it will piss all over you.
Get used to it. Its not a big deal, youll wash.
FancyShark
Andrew stored a virus in a cage with a puppy. I hope he's burning in hell.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
PUPPY!
gellaho
Hey, look, it's Talia
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For no fuckin reason too.
gellaho
WHO COULDST HAVE FORESEEN THIS!?
FancyShark
"So are you guys gonna spitroast me or can I just kill you and take the virus?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh golly gosh gee, its the only other named character of note, mysteriously shown up.
Badgerman
Lmao, the dog treats weren't even a color coded puzzle clue, he just had them because he had a puppy he was smuggling
FancyShark
"She's emphasizing words oddly again, Joe"
Badgerman
Don't bother, Talia, we've been trying to keep these dolts in the book cage for ages now. They keep getting out
Floygwai
Goddammit, but Talia al Ghul sounded like such a trustworthy name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She has a gun, now Joe and Frank are thinking "Oh she is definitely flirting with us now. We smooove."
gellaho
You planned on questioning him once he was unconscious?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And like I said, never trust a Talia when capers are afoot.
FancyShark
She's new at this
1000 Space GDCs
Talia got distracted when Andrew climaxed, and forgot to let go
FancyShark
And by "this", I mean she's a dominatrix. The puppy is the real mastermind.
Brendan
My best friend is an event photographer/photojournalist and basically my entire job assisting him was remembering flashes for him.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Doing a Wiccan ritual? Yeah find a Talia. Need someone to tell you about crystals? A Talia will work for that. But if you have a mystery or a murder? That Talia is a bad one.
gellaho
Talia is terrified of old ladies
gellaho
You did a lot of flashing, did you?
Brendan
he lost $3k in equipment letting the tide creep up the beach in PR. He could have brought me along for $500.
FancyShark
Talia fears old women because they remind her of the impermanence of her own youth
And also because they can wither you with a touch
Badgerman
Bruh
Brendan
He was lost in his art
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Talia believes old women can cast the Evil Eye.
And they CAN.
FancyShark
Now I miss my gramma
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Stopped clock and all that.
gellaho
Talia might still be going with Plan A
gellaho
Brendan
which that day was jewelry on swimsuit-clad models so I don't blame him but WHENCE BRENDAN
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank: "Tie my brother up.........yeah she is definitely into me."
FancyShark
Talia's throwing mixed signals
Brendan
she'll always be with you. you'll see her every time your children smile or you look up from a sink in the bathroom.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Standard Talia practice.
Badgerman
The gun is just a prop for their roleplay. It adds some zest
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Batman and me were very confused by our respective Talias.
gellaho
Alright, new plan: mass murder
gellaho
Brendan
Talia: the anti-callie?
FancyShark
Thanks, bro. She did damn a loooooooot of heathens
Brendan
Are we building a Dark Avengers??
FancyShark
Damn. She's a freak
gellaho
Fucking weird, ghostwriter
1000 Space GDCs
This is becoming more like a resident evil plot all the time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait........a distraction.......for what?! If you had just cut your losses the Hardys would never have..........fucking Talia.
Badgerman
Why. Why don't you just kill them
Nobody else knows you have the virus
FancyShark
It's the final defense of the Hardys: Stupid Criminals
Badgerman
Fwip, fwip, yoink, bye
gellaho
Jesus, Joe is a dipshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe and Frank have this resonance with each other, it makes people around them have like a temporary CTE, they are why the government thinks Havana Syndrome is real.
FancyShark
Joe's still thinking about the candy machine
gellaho
Joe still trying to cuck Callie
FancyShark
She already regrets trying to seduce you, Frank
Floygwai
Joe misheard and just assumed everyone was going to get off the train with 'a mild coughing'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe never stops to consider maybe she just wants them both to shit blood and die from the hideously painful fatal infection she is going to unleash.
gellaho
"It's totally unfair and not cool to be honest"
FancyShark
Viruses are the perfect way to cover up you left a train
Floygwai
Yes, nobody will ever find an abandoned train full of corpses
FancyShark
Look at Penn Station
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"How can we be completely ineffective at our jobs if you dont tell us everything? We might help by accident. Now. We heard you found a dog?"
gellaho
Going great so far
FancyShark
How did they escape?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Badgerman
Don't worry about it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Muscle tensing. And Joe read The Secret.
gellaho
There was a glass bottle they broke and cut themselves free
Badgerman
Did it happen to be full of deadly virus
FancyShark
Nope, just vaccine
Badgerman
Phooey
gellaho
The Fentoncopter appears
FancyShark
Get to da Fenton!
Badgerman
FancyShark
I hope the train's approaching a tunnel
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Its okay boys, I have the vaccine in my Fentonbelt. Here take this Fenton-vaccine spray and get into the Fentoncopter."
gellaho
"Maybe we should have done that three hours ago"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"JESUS CHRIST you made it AIRBORNE?! BY ACCIDENT?!"
FancyShark
"Also, these vials are very porous. Not sure why."
gellaho
I wonder who that is
1000 Space GDCs
Frank noticed the man's ass looked fantastic
gellaho
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The lab admins said something about "Glass being too expensive and balsa wood would work fine."
Badgerman
Fenton would have saved us all a lot of time if he'd just capped Driscoll the second he showed up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I read that as "the butt gun clipped the copter pilot"
gellaho
Oh, hell yes
gellaho
Action Frank
Badgerman
He cleared yards worth of distance in three steps
FancyShark
All this because Driscoll was told to make a scent of Febreeze that didn't make you feel like you were being strangled by a greenhouse
gellaho
Ghostwriter leaning on the children understanding drunken behavior
Brendan
All i know is the professor invented a horrible, world-ending virus, and Talia is removing it from public transit before it reaches a major population center.
FancyShark
"That helicopter's drunk! Just like Daddy!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"NO we said "fresh Irish grass" not "corpse field in Cambodia". Driscoll you ass, you've cost us billions!"
1000 Space GDCs
This scene would have made a way better cover
gellaho
Not Frank's shins!
FancyShark
"Wait! I have another one! It sloughs off your skin and leaves a scent like a spring rain!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ARRRG MY SHINS! I'll never play foosball again!"
FancyShark
Every gun user in this universe has the reaction time of a coma patient
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also yes, grab the hands of the person piloting the heli, Frank. That wont end badly.
gellaho
"Aw, shucks"
FancyShark
Sure, lady. I'll just leave my bank information with you.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay let me get away and I'll give you a handjob."
"Nice try lady, but my hands are already washed!"
"What.........just forget it. I'll go to jail."
gellaho
Uh, oh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean yeah you probably did just build a bioweapon for the US government, Driscoll.
gellaho
"You wouldn't!" he said to the person stealing a deadly virus
FancyShark
Damn, if only the Sergeant had some hilarious element to his name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You have become Death, something of something or other.
"And uh......the vaccine is right there, dingus. This is a solved problem."
1000 Space GDCs
Wait, weren't you selling the virus?
Badgerman
Once again I must ask why Talia went full supervillain for no raisin
FancyShark
I'm sure she didn't switch labels to be a dick
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Like I literally cured this virus. You setting it off is just inconvenient."
gellaho
Well, that makes a lot of-wait, what?
Brendan
Can't believe I got snaked on Death Train 2x in a month.
Badgerman
Batman-level deductive reasoning. The Adam West one.
gellaho
Why are they still in the train
FancyShark
It's Death Train AND the deadly virus story in one! Schmitty should read this!
gellaho
Karate,
Badgerman
Just empty the train and drive it out to the middle of nowhere
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also I thought the virus was airborne? If they put it in the water then they just have to get on the PA and tell people not to drink the train juice.
Badgerman
Fuck yeah, karate. I take it all back
FancyShark
Too bad trains are always a single, solid mass
Sure would be handy if you could unhook the dangerous car
gellaho
It's too bad viruses are invulnerable to explosions and high temperatures
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man remember when Frank had that death duel with an Asian man who was a martial arts master, and how cool that was?
1000 Space GDCs
I don't think trains generally have a boiler, unless they're steam trains
FancyShark
I'm sorry, author, are we being too sarcastic?
Badgerman
Just fucking throw it off the train you dumbasses
gellaho
Joe knows he cannot die
Badgerman
Wait, fuck, you don't even need to do anything. Just take the blasting cap out.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If only there were something you could do with many hundred gallons of water contaminated by a virus, but theres no choice but to drink it. Otherwise the terrorists win.
Badgerman
It's only plastic explosive, it can't go off without that
FancyShark
The gorges of the American Midwest
gellaho
That's what they are called, ghostwriter, pass receivers
gellaho
You goddamned nerd
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe has to try with ALL his willpower to not simply put the virus vial in his mouth and eat it.
gellaho
And you don't run for field goals
Badgerman
A pass receiver running for a field goal
Holy shit
Couldn't even do a single google
1000 Space GDCs
Sometimes Joe just can't get rid of a bomb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"SPORTSBALL REFERENCE for you jocks reading Hardy Boys books in 1993!" - The nerd ass ghostwriter.
FancyShark
Are you questioning this writer's research integrity?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That has to be a deliberate slight, right?
gellaho
Pick one metaphor, please
FancyShark
Tell ya what, you want a real pancake-bomb, you should try my wife's cooking! Heyooo!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thinking about pancakes made Frank hungry and he decided to huck the bomb before he was tempted to eat it.
gellaho
A mushroom cloud? Really.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Plastic explosives famously being powered by thermonuclear reaction, yes.
1000 Space GDCs
Joe sportses the bomb into the gorge
Badgerman
Jesus Christ, this script is fucking imploding on itself
gellaho
Talia still trying Plan A
FancyShark
"I kicked a three-pointer to Love," Joe thought, sportsingly.
gellaho
I'd give you a D-, Frank
Badgerman
Dead. Like you left him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean who could have guessed shed run into the two least directly horny teen boys on Earth?
gellaho
He dunked the baseball net, he did
FancyShark
He really was the Home Run
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Thats a real sticky wicket hurley!"
gellaho
Ditto
Badgerman
Wuuuump wuuuuuump
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The next sentence better include an explosion.
FancyShark
Respect to Talia for not giving up
Except when she gave up
Badgerman
Back on the train we go! Duhuhuh
FancyShark
Record scratch
gellaho
So, they ran into these two blonde girls a few times. I didn't mention it because they have nothing to do with the plot
Brendan
Talia is relentless.
FancyShark
She's a Callie after all
Brendan
Huge vat / must pay.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I do love drinks that come from vats.
gellaho
Well, they are how the book ends. Giggling at hot chocolate
Brendan
Is that code?
FancyShark
Laugh and freeze frame to credits
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sally is not bright, is she?
Badgerman
Everywhere you looook
🎷
FancyShark
Yes, but we can't explain it outside the swamp
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #57: Terror on Track
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You drink the hot chocolate while DEEP in the caboose.
FancyShark
We did it!
1000 Space GDCs
Sally and ruth ask Joe if they know a guy named Chet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Train was the right choice.
Brendan
Great job running a train on the Hardys, gang!
1000 Space GDCs
Thanks for doing this as usual, everyone
FancyShark
The guy they "could never forget after that crazy weekend"
Great riffing, everyone!
gellaho
Thus concludes the 82nd Edition of The Book Cage
Badgerman
Perfect way to end a Friday, excellent Caging everybody!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thanks @gellaho, its always a great time.
Brendan
We have an anti-Chet AND anti-Callie. Bring on the Sturdy Boys.
FancyShark
Thank you again, @gellaho !
gellaho
I'm mildly surprised that the evil international espionage organization didn't turn out to be The Assassins
But, then again, this ghostwriter seemed to know jack shit about anything
FancyShark
This plan was too smart for The Assassins
gellaho
I still can't quite believe there was a completely separate Con Riley
Badgerman
It was such an unforced error
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Talia would have gotten away with it if Frank could pick up what she was putting down.
Badgerman
I hope he's not the last
FancyShark
The writer had to have seen the name and not understood the significance
And now, dinner. Have a great night, everyone! Love you all! See you tomorrow for Fight Night!
Brendan
Goodnight, shark. Thank you, Gellaho. Good booking, friends.
