82: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #57: Terror on Track Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

Rob's loaded

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe Hardy: Super Fluffer.

Badgerman

Beat Magnum Hardy stops to luff

TWO INCHES THICK???

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Guys you are allowed to take the cash of the man who is trying to kill you while you rifle thru his pockets.

Badgerman

He just carried that shit around on him?

FancyShark

Bob Steiner: Professional Goon

Badgerman

Fucking take that dosh and run, lads. Fuck this detective bullshit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The third Steiner brother just couldnt cut it in pro wrestling.

FancyShark

That's enough to buy them at least two meals

Brendan

i think it should be commonly accepted as fair play to mug anyone who sneak attacks you if you get the drop on them.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Three because its 80s early 90s money.

Brendan

That's just nuisance tax.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

OH SHIT THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET A BIGFOOT PIZZA FROM PIZZA HUT IF THE CHRONOLOGY LINES UP!

gellaho

"I guess I'll just trust you teens"

Brendan

That's like $2000

Badgerman

Do a deep bow so onlookers know they forefeited their possessions when they forced the fight

The Trainman!

I come out, and I throw trains all ov—all over the ring!

1000 Space GDCs

the law of the rails says your allowed to throw him off the train by the seat of his pants

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Well by train law i cant arrest him. So we have to either scalp him or drag him behind the train."

1000 Space GDCs

if he has a bindle you get to keep it

FancyShark

"So by order of Train Law, scrape the man's face off on the ground as the train keeps moving. We don't fuck around on my train."

gellaho

MUST CONSUME TO REJUVENATE POWER, BROTHER

Brendan

"LET'S RAPE HIM!" cried the conductor, a crazy look in his eyes. The Hardys recoiled, aghast, as the trainmen fell to the unconscious Steiner and set upon him. Soon, he began to scream.

Badgerman

Keelhauling works a little differently on the rails, but it's the same general principle

Brendan

It's funny because it's their culture, not because a man is attacked.

FancyShark

Editor here: No

Badgerman

That's a pretty good bit there sport, what do you call it?

"The Aristocrats!"

gellaho

"Simmonds? Are you absolutely sure that D is supposed to be there?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its very close to a Whitest Kids U'Know sketch too.

Brendan

So I took an improv class and there was this one guy who, that was his actual punchline for half the scenes.

FancyShark

Captain Legally Distinct Character

Brendan

"Girls at camp? Let's paddle up and The Implication them."

1000 Space GDCs

That guy sounds exhausting

Brendan

He also honest to god did the michael scott thing once where he pulled out a finger gun.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Remember to enunciate the D in Simmondszzzzzz."

Brendan

So i guess to me now that level of crazy-ass response is its own lampoon. Sorry if I made it heavy.

gellaho

These two should probably be in prison for 1000 years based on how much obstruction of justice they have done

FancyShark

Honestly, you got a laugh out of me for going so far past dark it became hilarious

gellaho

I thought it was funny

Badgerman

I very briefly made the Hot Dan emote with my actual face

Brendan

You'd be finding vertebrae from California to Colorado

gellaho

But then again, I have read about so many rapes in these books

Well, not these books

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hardy boys are more about blowing women up.

gellaho

And themselves

FancyShark

I mean, the idea of a train conductor going so drunk with power the instant they get the okay from a pair of teenagers to take charge made it hysterical

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And their friends property.

gellaho

Now, I'm old enough to remember pay phones in my childhood. I'm pretty sure you didn't operate them via wire

Brendan

Chet overeats so he has shockwave absorption mass.

except for TV Chet who's a golden god.

Brendan

Did they get a message? Maybe it has a phone number on it like a telegram wire.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its the attachment Frank inserts into his ear to make the noises he needs to make free phone calls.

Badgerman

Frank seems like the kind of dork who still uses semaphore because it's more mechanically interesting to him

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

i guarantee Frank has read a book about smoke signals.

gellaho

Oh, right. They got a telegram fucking thirty pages ago and haven't mentioned it since

Badgerman

He read about the Clacks in Discworld once and it was all over for him

gellaho

The kids in 1991 fucking loved telegrams

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Damn right we did.

Brendan

What a strange period. Like Old West towns in 1910.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Telegrams, Ninja Turtles, and Bigfoot pizzas from pizza hut.

Brendan

"Yeah, this was a gunfighter brothel when I was 20. Anyway, now it's a 7/11."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You could house your whole family in the box.

Badgerman

Man, I missed out on so much cool 90s shit

FancyShark

#1 item for a full decade. Tickle Me Elmo wishes it had the telegram's body count

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That pizza took up your whole table.

Badgerman

Most 7/11s never stopped being gunfighter brothels

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It was like being a fucking king.

Brendan

We had polar bears, internet, and sane Republicans. Never see the like again, I tell ya.

gellaho

Good job, Driscoll, got your kid killed

Badgerman

You lucky ducks. At least I had Pokemon Emerald. Small victories

Brendan

"Professor your son is dead and I met someone from New York!"

FancyShark

We also had Ecto Cooler

Badgerman

The professor also doesn't trust close personal acquaintances, apparently

Brendan

You can still get Ecto Cooler if you find a Filipino joint to sell you calamansi juice.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What is the world coming to when you cant trust the shady detective and his unpaid teen sons to transport your deadly virus and vaccine cross country in a safe and efficient manner?

Brendan

Well, my son is dead, but at least I invented a deadly virus.

gellaho

They kind of randomly decide a wood box contains Curt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You can always make a new son. I am a chemist after all."

Brendan

The professor is absolutely going to douse himself in Ma-Ti and leap from the Sears Tower to punish this world for what it did to him.

Badgerman

"Sorry we broke into your luggage, ma'am, but we thought there was a dead body inside. Don't worry, we're professional teen detectives, we have a permit."

gellaho

They force a cabbie to follow the van

Brendan

"I'm eighteen, so sex."

1000 Space GDCs

If I was a cabbie I would live for the day someone told me to follow that van

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Unfortunately being a chemist he doesnt understand the virus is transmitted by body fluids so he's only dangerous to people in the splash zone.

gellaho

Turns out, just flowers

Badgerman

Ghostwriter decided a cross country train ride wasn't enough to hand a story on and called an audible

Brendan

Yes, but the odds are significant that Chet will eat him.

FancyShark

Just hand over the perennials and no one gets hurt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Randomly accosting people just doing their jobs is the Hardy way, and the American way.

1000 Space GDCs

Florists always hire the angriest goons to unload their deliveries

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Union job is a union job.

gellaho

On the way back they run into Delray. Who has heard about the murder, but somehow doesn't know their involvement

Badgerman

They have a gig to go puppet a giant cricket costume on the Arena set at 5

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And I'd be irritated if two boy detectives burst into my workplace and yelled "STOP RIGHT THERE, MALEFACTORS!"

Brendan

This guy is so cool.

gellaho

Jesus, what a ghoul

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's secretly Keyser Soze!

Brendan

White Lotus S3: Hard Train to Nowhere

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What are you, chubby? A cop? You dont smell like bacon."

gellaho

Then Talia tries robbing two cradles

Floygwai

Shit, I came in and the O'Driscoll is dead? The hell'd you do that for, Dutch?

Wait shit sorry still in Arthur mode from hot dog talk

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You want me to come?"

"Yeah sure.....I want you both to "come."

Badgerman

She's gotten so many free meals out of these dunces

FancyShark

"She emphasizes words oddly, Joe"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe is playing everyones favorite game, "Three way or double homicide."

gellaho

Everything's coming up Driscoll

Floygwai

So how many Hardy boys have died so far

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Watch, she also makes this weird face, where her eybrows go up and down."

Floygwai

I'm gonna guess three

Badgerman

"Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead"

- Ben Franklin, who probably knew a thing or two about threesomes and homicides

FancyShark

Two mugs. He was mugged by actual mugs

gellaho

That's not his name

FancyShark

Sergeant must've had a tough time in school

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

One of the mugs reads "I'm with stupid." and the other "Liberal Tears."

Badgerman

Sergeant Yankton is a character from a satire of the US involvement in WWI

Brendan

The misery bit is the really telling "I punish myself by being with men I despise" detail.

gellaho

Gasp

FancyShark

Steiner fucking ruled

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

These cops just are super quick to accept these teen boys as authority figures.

gellaho

Gasp

Badgerman

Holy shit this dude was ready to fucking party

Floygwai

133 and a third chance of solving this case! But I'm a genetic freak!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Orrrrrr he could have used the twist method. You make a noose out of the wire and when you slip it over their head, you twist it and the torque provides the strangling by itself.

Er..........hypothetically.

In Minecraft.

1000 Space GDCs

A fiber wire, a knife and a sawed off shotgun. That was definitely 47.

All that was missing was a wrench and lockpicks

FancyShark

And a wig

Badgerman

Those were waiting at his dead drops

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He wasnt going for a ghost run with poison at least.

Floygwai

And a can of beans

Badgerman

Was he dressed like a clown and everyone just refused to comment on it? Definitely 47.

gellaho

NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HERE

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Brendan

Maybe the nerve damage is from all the garrote tension.

gellaho

Alright, fuck you too, Discord

Let's try again

Floygwai

Wanna see more? Download Discord Prime!

Brendan

It would be next to impossible for a man to wrap a wire around his coat sleeve and pull with the other hand.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Talia: Mysterious, has a sinister name, strong hands, distrusts cops, always in the right place at the right time.

Badgerman

This is the longest walk to get to one of those "the doctor is a woman?!?!?" reveals

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hmmmmmm.

FancyShark

So hot

Badgerman

:chinhands:

gellaho

Joe gets to play with a camera

gellaho

I think you are probably a little too old for her

Brendan

Joe doesn't understand aperture or art.

Floygwai

I wonder if this Yankton guy knows Michael de Santa

Badgerman

Joe sets off the gun hidden in the camera by mistake and pops Frank right in the dome

FancyShark

Probably

Floygwai

I'll get out of Rockstar reference mode soon enough sorry folks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe has to do the camera shit because Frank would get too........excited.

gellaho

Nothing suspicious there

Badgerman

BANG

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe: "HES GOT A BOMB!" and leaps under a table, and starts to shiver.

Brendan

Glowering: a classic criminal trait

FancyShark

It's like glowing, but sinister

Badgerman

Default tech into expression when they sense a camera on them

Floygwai

Fitting that The Ray is doing it

gellaho

They break into Deleay's compartment

gellaho

Badgerman

Oh boy, a science feature on serums, sizzling reading indeed

gellaho

No, ghostwriter, you've been wasting my time

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Delray is just an innocent guy who takes audio notes.

The reason they suspect him? Cos hes fat.

1000 Space GDCs

The hardys are mad at him because they were wrong

FancyShark

And that's how Rex Moran evades the cops

Brendan

But a snappy dresser

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The Hardy boys never pass a chance to be suspicious of large people.

Badgerman

He shrugs off the fatsuit immediately after they leave

Brendan

They've been teasing it out so long, when do we get Evil Chet?

steak awaits, see you soon.

FancyShark

Steak well, sir!

Floygwai

'A man is dead! But FUCK YOU, paparazzi! Get outta my train!'

Badgerman

You say Evil, I say Extremely Justified

gellaho

They learn from an old lady that someone is just running around on top of the train

Badgerman

It would seem that Loring, if it even is him, the writer hasn't decided yet, is headed for the back of the train

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit FAust is coming!

FancyShark

There's nobody to hear footsteps headed for the car where no one can hear footsteps!

gellaho

That impetuous Joe

Badgerman

Frank followed behind in half-hearted pursuit

Floygwai

He should be called Curt Luring because he's really good at doing that

FancyShark

Now Curt's trying to escape before they discover he took a roll of TP from one of the other rooms

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joes skin flaps that enable him to glide from tree to tree betray him again!

gellaho

There goes that impetuous Joe Hardy

1000 Space GDCs

Joe regretted not believing that hammer pants had gone out of style

Badgerman

It's all gonna be worth it in like five books when he uses them to wingsuit off the CN Tower and save the day, though

Floygwai

Ah yes, the caboose roof. The caboof, as experts call it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Impetuously falling on his ass and sliding off a moving train. What a rascal that joe Hardy is.

gellaho

Tension successfully avoided

Badgerman

And then he went over!

The Wrestlemania crowd went bonkers!

Yeah, I tried rocking a ladder on the side of my caboose once. Kept snagging it on doorframes though. Very annoying

FancyShark

He's got his hands all over that train's ass

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"INches from death, Joe looked his brother in the eye and said "I should have ordered a fifth cheeseburger. With bacon!"

Floygwai

There's always gotta be a convenient ladder on the side of the train whenever someone falls off

Badgerman

It's what they're for!

FancyShark

Frank picking an odd time to admire his brother's hair

gellaho

I love that this ghostwriter thought he needed to explain what a shell game is, but freely uses "impetuous" and "stanchion"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's thinking of ways he can use it when Joe is scraped off the tracks.

Badgerman

That's European outsource work for you. Always talking down to their American audiences

gellaho

Not the stanchion!

Floygwai

Stanchion is my favorite type of salad dressing

FancyShark

Loring's on the stanchion!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kick. Frank. Off. The. Train!

FancyShark

Boy vs Chemist is not as exciting as it sounds

Badgerman

With a wild cry, like a nerd whose Pokémon cards got tore up and who'd finally lost it on the playground

gellaho

Getting a little sexy with Herman

Badgerman

Just pure dork-berserker energy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah Herman DEEP in that caboose.

FancyShark

Herman going to hulk out

gellaho

Not a lot of fight in Loring

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Collar open, tie undone. Herman: After Dark.

Badgerman

HERMAN UNDERGROUND

Floygwai

Thank you for reading out the title credits, Herman

I dunno why you needed to unbutton your shirt to do that, but thanks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh does he know the penalty for stowing away on Herman Mermansons train?"

1000 Space GDCs

"okay, you boys have fun with the interrogation"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hold him down while I fetch the peelers."

FancyShark

"Car battery's in the cable car"

gellaho

"My plan was to indiscriminately murder anyone who tried to get me off the roof"

Badgerman

And to his credit, it was a great plan!

Simple, actionable, easy to remember

gellaho

Loring, asking for protection from the two teens

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Im so sorry that I, in a panic, tried for several sustained minutes to kill you, Hardy Boys."

FancyShark

Loring is trying so hard not to admit he only tipped 3% on a $50 lunch bill

Badgerman

The fucking monster

gellaho

Hmmmmmmm

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I KNOW its supposed to be 10% but I dont BELIEVE in tipping!"

FancyShark

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"He said the organization rhymes with Shmilluminati or something."

Badgerman

"Shut up, it's late, manuscript's due tomorrow, just work with me here"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe and Frank again fail to realize they have eliminated all other named characters and now have exactly ONE suspect.

gellaho

This shit with the dog better pay off

FancyShark

"I only had a $50 and a $10 and I still need to catch a cab when we reach the station!"

gellaho

Moisten those lips

Badgerman

The hallmark of a great mystery novel is when they just kind of bumble from one suspect to another gathering exactly zero relevant clues

FancyShark

Thank god Steiner was an idiot who spoke out loud for the audience's benefit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Curt. I have a lot of sympathy for a guy just trying to get some extra cash, but you caused the death of a man whith a dog. Burn in piss hell.

1000 Space GDCs

Oh, is this where they got the tail from?

gellaho

"Yeah, you almost killed yourself on top of the train for no reason"

FancyShark

STOP DRIVING IN THE PASSING LANE, DAMMIT!

Badgerman

Frank was amazed!

I mean, fuck, I guess someone had to be

gellaho

Noooooooooooo

FancyShark

Or like shooting people in a small room. No wait, I see the use of the analogy now

Badgerman

"Hey curt, any idea where you left the remote?"

"I don't—noooooooooo!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah take that bullet Joe. Sweet kiss of hot lead welcoming you into the arms of your dead girlfriend at least.

gellaho

Angry coughs

Badgerman

Oh also he stared at the door after speaking the longest single syllable in history apparently

FancyShark

I bet Loring is glad he has the Hardys' protection now

gellaho

Jesus H Christ

gellaho

FancyShark

This author isn't allowed in funeral homes

Badgerman

It creased him. Like you would a piece of paper

gellaho

"Did you like the part where the man got shot in the head, kids?"

"Why are you crying!?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe has to hug himself to keep from poking the gunshot wound.

Badgerman

Courier Six: The Early Gigs

1000 Space GDCs

yeah i think that was supposed to be grazed. Nice work, editor

FancyShark

This author goes to the ER on weekends to people watch

gellaho

Frank the Sociopath emerges

Badgerman

If it had greased him that'd be another problem entirely

FancyShark

Golly! What a story this man's personal ruin will make!

gellaho

"Are you seriously asking me about their fucking dog? I've been shot in the goddamned head!"

Floygwai

'A man had been shot. And yet, still, Frank desperately wanted to punch his dick'