84: Crash Course Nicole Davidson

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 84: Crash Course

I was entirely too nice to myself last year. We begin our new year of pain with a classic theme: a grown-ass adult writing about annoying horny teens. Our case study this time is one Nicole Davidson, AKA Kathryn Jensen AKA Kathryn Johnson, a motivational speaker and checks notes writing coach. Uh oh. Anyway, this many-pseudonymed woman wrote a couple of "horror" novels for teens. It certainly looks like Friday the 13th but, spoiler alert, only one person dies. Gird thy loins for the scariest of all topics: SAT test preparation. This Friday 5pm eastern.

gellaho

beastmaster jakesy

Lol the teacher just leaves them all there to die?

Even Badger will be smashed

To be fair I feel like every child caretaker familiar with Friday movies would have done the same

gellaho

Under an hour until Crash Course the teen horror book. See if you can figure out who the murderer and murderee are just from this preview.

LyraV

I'm not sure but Brian's description of his relationship with Paula feels a bit off.

FancyShark

Paula sounds creepy too

Ozzie

Not looking forward to seeing the "strange ways" Angel speaks.

beastmaster jakesy

Brian definitely steals Kelly's underwear at some point

I'm going to say the murderer is Paula in the kitchen with the lead pipe

The murderee is Jeff and Paula did it to hurt Kelly who is stealing her mans

Book it, mortal lock

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Because it was not specific I choose to believe Isabel's grandad gave her a sick kukri and is a Gurkha.

Even Badger will be smashed

My money's on the football jock with entitlement issues, for the record

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean you always hope its going to be Jason Vorhees in a surprise cameo.

Even Badger will be smashed

He just crashes through the front door and there's a big burst of cheers and applause like Urkel just showed up

gellaho

Time to begin the process

gellaho

Boy, Discord was struggling with uploads for a couple of minutes there

Even Badger will be smashed

Much smaller prisoner than I was picturing

FancyShark

A perfect place to study...or to die. But only those two things

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Those teens are going to have a hard time finding the privacy to fuck in a cabin that small.

gellaho

Btw this is also not her real name. I don't know why Kathryn Johnson decided to double pseudonym

Even Badger will be smashed

She knew what she'd done.

gellaho

Bizarre

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Plausible deniability for her freezer full of teen feet.

LyraV

The trees on the cover art look strangely bendy like the wind is blowing in two directions at once

FancyShark

"For Dave, who asked me to not explicitly mention the handy I gave him in high school"

gellaho

The prologue is where the murder happens. Very little of it makes sense

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Dave" Wang Yu.

LyraV

Well it implies there were multiple wrestlers that you might get Dave confused with.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"These winds are the work of the devil."

gellaho

It is a flash forward to about halfway through the book, which I don't think counts as a prologue

FancyShark

In Media Res doesn't work so well in books

Even Badger will be smashed

Well it does if you fucking do it right

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Dave and Steve together make one two headed centaur wrestler.

gellaho

Coleman: just what you need for a murde

LyraV

Think I understand the double pseudonym now.

Even Badger will be smashed

Nothing like a stiff jerk in the stern, i tells ya

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"We're GOING night fishing and that's FINAL!"

FancyShark

Dipping and wobbling, the boat galumphed and gafoodled through the mist

gellaho

And now: a series of sentences that should relate to one another, but cannot

FancyShark

That's not a legend. That's a teenager's shitty goth poetry

Even Badger will be smashed

Thomaston High, home of the Really Useful Engines

LyraV

This is almost a synopsis of the first season of 'Heroes' but more racist.

gellaho

Well, there is a shitty goth. Foreshadowing?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's not like I'm going to die or anything." - literal famous last words.

gellaho

Mystery is compelling if it's endless and no details are given, right?

FancyShark

I say that every time I eat a burrito, just in case

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What is this, Batman Babies? Is this kid Teen Scarecrow?

LyraV

What had he begun? Let me say several more things that maybe might get there.

Even Badger will be smashed

Shit I hope so, dude could stand to show up more

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I HAD to fart fear gas into Tonys breakfast cereal, Batman. He made out with Cindy! I WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH CINDY!"

Ozzie

They used Scarecrow in Titans and nobody will ever believe who they cast to play him if I say it.

FancyShark

Gilbert Gottfried?

gellaho

And now: a conversation. Or rather, two people randomly cycling through fear and threats

gellaho

That show employed a powerful necromancer

Even Badger will be smashed

Nothing like a good long finger from the shadow in the stern, i tells ya

LyraV

Clearly a stan for T$ of Battledome.

Even Badger will be smashed

T-Money Mafia

FancyShark

UGGGGHHHH HE'S COUNTING MURDERS WITH HIS TONGUE!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

When someone tells you the best way to drown quicker you are ethically in the clear to shove them off the boat in my opinion.

gellaho

No! Not the Coleman!

gellaho

FancyShark

Aw man, he loved collecting unwieldy shapes

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh no, the attempted murder drowns halfway through the book.

Anyway,

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"silky-cool" is how I would describe the flavor of a menthol cigarette in an ad, not freezing water I'm currently drowning in.

gellaho

I'm sure this will be a great tone setter for the rest of the book. It's definitely not going to be a bunch of annoying horny teens

Even Badger will be smashed

I understand drowning water is quite frothy, actually

FancyShark

His heart will go on

gellaho

Smash-cut to: a teen girl just loving the mail

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"RAGERRRRRRRRRT!" he thought, as he drowned like an asshole.

FancyShark

Yeah, it's Brian. I'm locking in my guess

Even Badger will be smashed

Thomaston, Baltimore

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"EEEEEEH THE LATEST ISSUE OF TEEN VOGUE IS HEEEERE!"

FancyShark

"A NEW CAR WASH OPENED?! OMG!"

Even Badger will be smashed

The misaddressed mail bomb promptly scattered her across the yard when it detonated

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Mr. Henderson died of a stroke! Sweet! Garage sale coming up!

Ozzie

I thought Gellaho said "the mall" and I was super confused when it started talking about packages.

Even Badger will be smashed

Same

gellaho

Her joy over the mail is interrupted by memories of her mom walking out on her

Even Badger will be smashed

Whomst amogus hasn't been there

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

For being excited about the mail she sure doesnt seem to understand how it works, asking questions like that.

gellaho

But, no time for that, time to go see Brian

gellaho

LyraV

Curiosity is such a bully with their fierce taunts.

Ozzie

Her mom is gonna Mrs. Voorhees this summer camp, calling it now

Even Badger will be smashed

Also, this dipshit talks to her mail. I hope she's the first victim

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kelly needs a Schoolhouse Rock style song to help her know what to do with letters.

gellaho

☑️ Redhead

gellaho

(See if you can figure out which character is Kathryn's stand-in. It's very difficult)

LyraV

That is a lot of words to describe her teeth.

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh man does this twee redhead have murder victim written all over her

FancyShark

"Practicing a grin" is the best way to get your readers to identify with a character

Ozzie

Now I feel like we've all just learned that Kathryn's mom walked out on her.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You lose more Kellys this way.

gellaho

You can tell she's soft spoken from all the screaming

FancyShark

Was not expecting "blue eyes" when I read "enormous"

gellaho

How about the phrase "they were raised in some kind of emotion"

Ozzie

a soft-spoken, petite blonde with enormous

blue eyes

SHIT scooped

FancyShark

Oh, well in that case, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well way to make me sympathize with Paula and not Kelly. Paula likes cats.

LyraV

This book throws some intense sentences at you and I'm glad you caught this. What does that even mean?

Ozzie

Paula is cleaning up after a budding neighborhood serial killer.

gellaho

Boy do I hate Kelly

Ozzie

Doesn't bode well for Brian now that I think of it.

Even Badger will be smashed

Good god this girl is exhausting.

FancyShark

Kelly has His & Hers sweaters in every size, just to cover her bases

gellaho

I don't know what you mean. I'm not seeing any kind of signs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I already hope Paula shoves Kelly into a walk in freezer and feeds her to stray cats.

LyraV

I felt that 'anyway' in my soul.

Even Badger will be smashed

Topical Raymond Reddington

Ozzie

Can't believe that show got renewed for another season this year.

FancyShark

A good friend is one that you resent

Ozzie

I mean, I'm gonna watch it, but still shocked.

Even Badger will be smashed

It's a really long list, okay

It's more of a spreadsheet

gellaho

A series of Kelly's attempts to understand hu-mans

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Okay im home from work and errands (i.e., buying weed), what have i missed so far?

gellaho

Paula felt some kind of emotion

Even Badger will be smashed

I feel like we're getting a window into Kathryn's idea of wish fulfillment from this prose

Ozzie

That's worded like he's doing it in a way that he knows she can't misinterpret.

Like anything less than a huge smile she would take as aggression.

FancyShark

Someone drowns later, Kelly is the worst, and Paula is a budding monster

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh my god she ran down the hill and flounced into their apartment to open the mail at them????

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It wasnt a very good drowning tho. 5\10.

Even Badger will be smashed

I would no contact the entire fucking state if some weirdo did that to me

FancyShark

Like he has a gun pointed at him

gellaho

Brian works at the mail room (?) at school, so she was trying to get him to tell her what was in an envelope addressed to her dad

They seemed to be made for each other: (1) skin tone

Even Badger will be smashed

Just give it to your dad???? Don't convince your friends to commit mail fraud??? What the hell, Kelly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oooof I dont like when authors use phrases like "Hispanic genes"

gellaho

Kelly tries these human emotions, but accidentally forgets to breathe

LyraV

The most satisfying errand imo

FancyShark

I'm glad the author at least waited until after saying "despite his father's Hispanic genes" before mentioning Brian was sensitive and smart

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Okay is Kelly a robot or an alien?

gellaho

Brian's 80 years old I guess

FancyShark

Yes

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

She clearly doesn't understand your hoo-man e-mo-shuns

Even Badger will be smashed

Envelopes, those, uh, "distinctive yellow rectangles"

FancyShark

BullSHIT no one studies for the SATs. My school spent a goddamn week prepping us for those

Ozzie

If Brian called her "old girl", she might be a horse.

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

SAT is like an american standardized test, right?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I didnt even TAKE the SATs and I studied for them.

gellaho

Going from 0-60, Kelly

Even Badger will be smashed

SAT actually stands for Stupid Ass Test. True fact

FancyShark

Yeah. It's one of two tests that they decided is easier to gauge than actual abilities for getting into college

Even Badger will be smashed

No followup questions

Ozzie

She's only just now feeling as if she were intruding?

Even Badger will be smashed

Kelly. For the love of God. You are the problem.

FancyShark

Kelly was hit really hard by caller ID

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Yeah that's how law school works too. Have this arbitrary exam that measures nothing.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Really really sympathizing with Paula right now.

gellaho

And she's a theater kid? Good work on building the world's most annoying teen

Even Badger will be smashed

Social media blocking was another gut punch

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I think perhaps Kelly might have been economical with the truth when she claimed Paula was jealous.

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

It doesn't correlate to success in any way but i still take every opportunity to tell people i aced it

Even Badger will be smashed

Of course she was in Cats

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Yeah Cats is the most obnoxious musical and that's saying something

FancyShark

I'm not saying I wouldn't have been a bit into Kelly in high school, but I will admit to not having good judgement

gellaho

Meet our other main character: rich douche!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its a pretty good objective way to tell people the truth, that you're smart and awesome.

Ozzie

Yeah, I would've dated her no question.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jeff wants to fuck that car.

Even Badger will be smashed

Car & Driver namedrop means there's a good chance Jeff's life was changed forever by his first Brockway article

FancyShark

Because when you think "tank", you think "BMW"

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Yeah yeah we all date terrible women

gellaho

We meet Jeff planning to kill his professor

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also what kind of teen reads "Car & Driver"?

Thats an old man mag.

LyraV

The kind who 'hungers' for a corvette while obsessively listing it's features.

FancyShark

I have a cousin obsessed with cars and I'm pretty sure he can't make it through an issue of Car & Driver without chemical assistance

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

A teenager with a corvette is fated to be a douchebag in layer life, it's axiomatic

gellaho

Fear Porter's magic eye!

Even Badger will be smashed

Sounds more like Mr. Porter didn't believe in uncompensated time, and honestly, good for him

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Autosexual?

Even Badger will be smashed

Ozzie

This is a truly improbable high school history teacher.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mr. Porter makes a nickel, school makes a dime, thats why he goes home to shit immediately after class.

gellaho

Kathryn confuses high school with college. Which is troubling because she claims to be a substitute teacher

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Mr. Porter was to be played by Alan Rickman in the movie adaptation

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

See Mr. Porter is why teachers need to be armed. He has a damn laser eye and you dont see kids disrespecting him.

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

And Kelly? Mark Zuckerberg

Even Badger will be smashed

"Every teacher gets one."

gellaho

Meet your Ice for tonight

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh my god is Baxter played by T-Money?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jeff......why do you think his eyes are "small and ruthless"? Jeff?

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Jeff is so turned on right now

FancyShark

"His eyes were dark, so you couldn't see them at a distance or gauge their size because-" holy shit, Kathryn

Even Badger will be smashed

Just actual linebacker Terry Crews, the only adult on the scrimmage line

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

I have a book for him actually

gellaho

"Gotcha, you bastard," he thought before casually approaching

FancyShark

I think the same thing when I flag down a waiter

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

For me It's when I ask a guy out

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Fuck. No, Jeff, I will not change your grade. For the last time, Bismarck did NOT invent the beef wellington."

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Yup, right after tackling him to the ground

gellaho

"Gotcha, you bastard," he thought right before politely asking about an SAT prep course

gellaho

FancyShark

"Submit to my will, you fucker," Jeff thought, asking for help

Even Badger will be smashed

Average social media tough guy when they have to interact with a human in public

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Some guys like it when women get aggressive with them. Usually that doesnt involve a spear tackle but whatever. It works.

FancyShark

You don't speak for everyone

gellaho

"Gotcha, you bastard," he thought before shitting his pants

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Few protest, if only because of the broken ribs

LyraV

Jeff then politely offered to carry his valise to his car.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Broken ribs and being immensely flattered.

FancyShark

Porter's evil eye is turning Jeff's organs into liquid

gellaho

Because nobody ever shares their PSAT scores. I guess

Even Badger will be smashed

Blackmailed into taking his education seriously. I guess it's the only way some people learn

FancyShark

Who hasn't guarded their test scores with the same intensity as unsolicited pictures of their own genitals?

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Jeff who gives a fuck, genie has left the bottle

gellaho

Porter's going to use the mind magic from Godslayer to improve SAT scores

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

I never share my test scores, not even when i broke the 99th percentile on my LSAT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh and your parents showed me that picture of you when you were five and nudely riding a toy train."

LyraV

He's really burning with intensity over this minor tutoring thing.

gellaho

The only reason you wouldn't share your test score is if it's bad Jeff, they already know

Even Badger will be smashed

"No sweat", that very cutting edge of youthful lingo

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And they told me that one time you shit your pants at Timmy Sorensons birthday party and tried to pass it off by sitting in his cake."

FancyShark

Jeff: The boy who treats asking for help studying like it's a hostage negotiation

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And also that you see a doctor for your weird crooked dick."

gellaho

The mysterious thoughts of the history teacher will definitely pay off

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

But he's so fucking cool and edgy while he does it though. Like a fucking lizard king in his Corvette

gellaho

Jeff is a great guy

FancyShark

Porter made a mental note to plant drugs on Jeff

Ozzie

Angel MANSON

No fuckin' way.

Even Badger will be smashed

Jeff no. Abort. Abort. Eject

Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger

Kelly intrigues him? Is he a cryptid hunter?

FancyShark

Do it, Jeff. You fucking deserve each other

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, Jeff, not that Manson family. God."

gellaho

Kelly is apparently the flash

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kelly, now with carbonated bubbling.

gellaho

Kathryn Johnson really had a pulse on the lingo of the teenage boy in 1990

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

Kelly would do this and think it was adorable

FancyShark

Warren: Not a student and not allowed on school grounds

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Her rack is totally righteous!" would have worked better for 90s lingo, Kathryn.

gellaho

Jeff gets a boner during Cats

gellaho

Very major restraining orders

Even Badger will be smashed

gamine

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is how furries are made. Teens performing Cats.

Well one of the ways.

This is what we had to settle for in the 90s when you wanted to make a furry.

FancyShark

"She even shat in a box, right on stage"

LyraV

I had to look it up.

Even Badger will be smashed

O-oh my god I just read the actual text.

I don't think Jeff was just popping a boner.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It wasnt even in the script, it was all improv from Kelly."

Ozzie

It's called method acting

gellaho

While reminiscing about that musical boner he once had, a student tweaker runs in front of his car

Ozzie

Ozzie

Dude, what the fuck

FancyShark

FINALLY! A highschool experience I understand!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"There's two for one chalupas at the Taco Bell! STEP ON IT!"

gellaho

Nathan doesn't like showers, man

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Stacy works there and she gives me free churros!"

Okay but Nathan is pretty close to how I dressed as a teen.

FancyShark

This is The Breakfast Club, but with some extra, terrible characters sprinkled in

gellaho

Good to know that Jeff masturbated to completion in the school parking lot

gellaho

Thanks, Kathryn

Even Badger will be smashed

Kathryn, Jesus fuck

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Feeling flush with post wank goodwill, Jeff agreed to give the kid he didnt like a five minute ride."