84: Crash Course Nicole Davidson

gellaho

Nathan definitely seems like the study retreat kind of guy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And also took him to the movies."

LyraV

Pretty sure I'd take Jeff calling me 'not honor society material' as a compliment.

Even Badger will be smashed

The Cinema Five

Ozzie

Especially if I had a leather jacket on at the time.

Even Badger will be smashed

The first four Cinemas were sunk in the line of duty

FancyShark

I carded every one of these little shits when I worked at the movie theater. And for the first time since I left, I don't feel bad about it

gellaho

"Jeff also figured he might be able to score some during the trip"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Carding teens is the best part of working retail or at a theater.

FancyShark

Jeff also assumed the cane Nathan carried was for coke

Even Badger will be smashed

It's like if Cabin in the Woods was written by M Night

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Also Nathan was notorious for not taking any shit and carried a switchblade, so unperforated Jeff thought he'd be magnanimous and get along."

gellaho

"There's definitely nothing weird about a teacher and eight teens spending five days alone in the woods, right?"

FancyShark

Jeff wondered if Nathan liked dressing like a cat

beastmaster jakesy

This premise does feel weird, yes

"Hey kids, wanna hang out with me in my isolated cabin and study all weekend?"

FancyShark

If Porter's entire goal is to leave them to die, it'll be the first relatable character moment in this story

gellaho

Good news: our main characters are horny for each other

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its not weird if you assume the teacher will get them there, take off his shirt, bellow "I AM BECOME NIMROD! FLEE, SQIRMING BLEATING MEAT!" and chase them with a hunting knife.

Ozzie

I'm still stuck on this, I can't ever imagine being in a car with someone who's completely silent for the ride and thinking to myself "I bet he's on coke"

beastmaster jakesy

Jeff about to test out how deep that creek really is

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Jeff's gonna fuck a crawdad

wait

Even Badger will be smashed

Deep Creek

Really racked the old noggin for that one, huh, Kathryn

gellaho

KELLY DEMANDS ABSOLUTE LOYALTY

beastmaster jakesy

It was either that or Wet Gorge

Lol

Feeling real good about my predictions right now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah Paula should dump Brian.

FancyShark

hahaha, oh Brian. Your balls are in a drawer somewhere

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

In a hole in the ground.

gellaho

This is how teens talked in the early nineties

beastmaster jakesy

At the bottom of Dry Gulch

Ozzie

"alternate female companionship" sounds like code for some kind of gay sex.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kelly thinking maybe shed blow Jeff.

gellaho

What a rock solid relationship

FancyShark

I always suspected substitute teachers were creepy in high school. Kathryn is just proving that was true

beastmaster jakesy

They had to create a whole new term for how hard Brian is friendzoned

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No I can cheat on Paula whenever I WANT!"

beastmaster jakesy

Like a friend multiverse

gellaho

Kathryn deeply studied teens to get they're mannerisms down

gellaho

Always booping each other, those nineties teens

Ozzie

Was it a quick hug or did it last for a moment of heartbeat-listening?

This book fucking sucks, guys.

gellaho

Very astute

FancyShark

"Observe how the human pubescents establish affection hierarchies based on physical contact"

beastmaster jakesy

Why do we need to know how firm his chest is

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Always a boop for my teen friends. Booping each other all day, it really got to be a problem. Surprised it didnt get banned like dabbing did.

FancyShark

:boop:

gellaho

Kelly feels sorry that no one is touch Chris's butt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its the only way we can gauge how hot the boys are in a novel with no pictures.

beastmaster jakesy

Is Chris Jamaican or something

gellaho

Goth ahoy

Even Badger will be smashed

Finally a character worth rooting for. Thicc assed lonely king

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Chris gonna get that pity handjob.

FancyShark

Kohl is a thing?

Even Badger will be smashed

Really dropping Chris's skintone in in the most natural way possible, Kathryn

gellaho

Angel is one Hot Topic

gellaho

All goths shop at Kohl's

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I would probably have hung out with Angel as a teen.

Even Badger will be smashed

Fuck, I just remembered the Manson thing

FancyShark

I would definitely have made Angel uncomfortable at that age

Even Badger will be smashed

I'm gonna be stepping on that rake all night

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Goth kids are easier to convince to try playing RPGs.

gellaho

On the bus, Kelly falls in love with an exotic girl

gellaho

FancyShark

Kelly immediately asks if she can touch her hair

gellaho

Unfortunately, Isabel appears to be a robot who has fallen in love with Mr Porter

beastmaster jakesy

Ah yes, an exotic beauty from the Orient

FancyShark

oh nice, the Native American girl has wolf-life eyes. Nice work, Kathryn

Even Badger will be smashed

It's incredible that this author can find a way to fetishize every single ethnicity

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kelly doesnt notice Isabels absolutely sick kukri her granddad used to kill a machine gun nest full of Japanese soldiers during WW2.

FancyShark

Isabel is why Porter is going to lose his job in a few months

gellaho

Kelly engages Sulu protocol

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Because granddaughter of a Gurkha doesnt fear the history teacher's laser eye.

beastmaster jakesy

Wait is his hair neatly trimmed or mussed?

FancyShark

The skin-tight jeans are how you know he's ready to study for a test

beastmaster jakesy

Those are like two opposite settings

FancyShark

It's neatly trimmed, then mussed. It's called "a waste of money"

Even Badger will be smashed

"Wrestling jacket"? Like he stole Chris Jericho's light up Christmas light jobbie?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kelly is so horny for Jeff and Jeff is so horny for Kelly the two of them are going to explode the first time their hands touch.

FancyShark

We should be thankful this happened before Jeff discovered frosted tips

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like gooshy matter and anti-matter.

gellaho

Angel eats a peach

Ozzie

Good way to show dominance or that you don't mind sticky juices on your hand and forearm.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah Nathan is impressed.

Even Badger will be smashed

Angel doubled over and collapsed, the peach pit lodged in her windpipe.

FancyShark

Ruining fruit is so hot

Ozzie

Yeah, if I had been there at 17, I would've been like "that was the dumbest crazy thing I've ever seen, tell me everything about your life immediately"

gellaho

Later Kelly has a dream

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I must sit next to this person at dinner."

Kelly hearing the call of the wild places.

Even Badger will be smashed

Christ, these fucking dork ass furries deserve each other so badly.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

As all redheads do.

gellaho

This is certainly foreshadowing and not just something weird because this is supposed to be a horror book and so far teens have just made googly eyes at each other

FancyShark

Clearly, this means Kelly sees herself as a bitch

Even Badger will be smashed

"Trust" = "unquestioning, demure obedience"

No followup questions

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also implies Kelly thinks Paula is a dog fucker.

FancyShark

These idiots are going to be so mad when they find out SAT classes are normally held at school

Ozzie

Every bit of Paula's dialogue is the part where I leave the forest as soon as possible, violently if necessary.

gellaho

Chris transforms into a bear while Paula transforms into an owl

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey Mr. Porter? Whats this weird blue salve for? It smells like honey and mushrooms?"

"It's for summoning the Wild Hunt, dont worry about it."

Even Badger will be smashed

Two guesses which animal Isabel animorphs into.

gellaho

Kelly takes this opportunity to neg her best friend inside her head

Change Ramb$ne Gracie!

lucky cat, complete with waving paw

FancyShark

What kind of filthy tramp likes a man who's in shape?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah because teen girls HATE when a guy is ripped.

Even Badger will be smashed

Eughhh, who would want a man with gross muscleeees???

Change Ramb$ne Gracie!

no see, he's all neck

FancyShark

This is the thirstiest book we've ever read

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And of course Kelly thinks Paula is pretending and not expressing an actual opinion.

gellaho

Kelly goes through all the emotions

Even Badger will be smashed

"In a bad female impersonation" is how this entire book was written

FancyShark

Any time the werewolves want to strike is not going to be too soon

LyraV

Wow I dipped out to make dinner (alsospill water all over the kitchen) and things have escalated.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nathan is the kind of kid who has shit in some unique places for someone his age.

gellaho

Kathryn decides this is a good time to get real weird

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh just now huh

beastmaster jakesy

Hahaha

Ozzie

Is this still her self-insert character?

I'm learning way too fucking much about this lady.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well this explains why Kelly is so thirsty and also why shes going to bite Jeffs perineum.

gellaho

More mystery, does it mean anything?

LyraV

Yeah that's not so great Kelly oh man we need better sex education.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

After rubbing peppers on his dick.

beastmaster jakesy

Oh no is the native chick going to be like a shaman or some shit

Even Badger will be smashed

There's no way she's not, I've already accepted it

FancyShark

According to the blurb from the start of the book, the goth is the shaman. Or probably witch/wiccan/plot device

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Kelly could see the ancient native wisdom in her brown, sad, brown face and eyes. She was brown. And sad. And wise. But also brown."

gellaho

Begin the sexual harassment

Ozzie

Same as every time I've screamed that.

beastmaster jakesy

Lol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh Nathan you were doing so good.

But now you fucked it.

gellaho

The teacher did this earlier. You're going to get this from every character

FancyShark

Okay, to be fair, if that did work and he never tried it, it'd be just as sad

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You're going to be jerking it alone in the woods when you die.

gellaho

Seems safe!

Ozzie

"Oh, please" she moaned

It's not a no.

FancyShark

"Also, there's no food. The lake is infested. And we're on an active volcano."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"WAit what?! No seriously how are you going to contact anyone in case of an emergency?"

Even Badger will be smashed

"Moan" is not the word you want to use there

gellaho

Make sure to avoid the random holes in the earth, too

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You realize that this is technically a school function so we are massively liable if anything happens, right?"

gellaho

Only the essentials

FancyShark

"There are also some landmines left over from the last SAT course. They're unmarked, so tread carefully."

Even Badger will be smashed

If teacher hasn't expressly brought these teens out to the woods to murder them for their low grades what was the point of any of this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh and you're getting free cholera and parasites!"

Ozzie

The virgin brought a large bottle of her sexiest perfume on a study trip?

LyraV

The sexiest perfume she could buy from the Claire's at the the mall.

Ozzie

And then put it next to a picture of her dad.

FancyShark

She knows she's a virgin because all the guys she's dated have told her all that stuff "didn't count"

gellaho

Isabel asks Kelly to help her unpack and pulls a fun knife prank

Even Badger will be smashed

One wonders how she's still a virgin with all that sexy perfume she's packing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Little do these horny dipshits know I have dug tiger pits all over this forest! Soon I shall feast upon their succulent flesh in praise of Hecate!"

"What was that Mr. Porter?"

"NOTHING! YOU HEARD NOTHING!"

Even Badger will be smashed

Eight inches long is not just a knife. That is a fucking chopper

beastmaster jakesy

This is a noife

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Aw its cute Kelly thinks an eight inch blade is long.

Even Badger will be smashed

Also in what way was the blade "wicked"

Change Ramb$ne Gracie!

8 is pretty standard for cooking

gellaho

Meanwhile, Angel gets out her magic crystals

Ozzie

I'm picturing a kris right now

FancyShark

That means it's pointy

Angel, please summon a skeleton army and end this

Ozzie

gellaho

Nerd

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah I would be listening to Angel's poetry and lectures about the dark power of crystals and the moon and shit.

FancyShark

Angel learned everything from her dad Cuda

LyraV

I'm sure Kelly will be extremely open minded and thoughtful about all this.

FancyShark

"Omigod, are you, like, Jewish or something?"

gellaho

Chris, meanwhile, is jock sad

FancyShark

Chris regret smashing. Chris only want make friends.

gellaho

We are very different people

beastmaster jakesy

Also definitely not Kathryn's wish fulfillment here

Even Badger will be smashed

The black character can't control his anger.

Uh huh.

beastmaster jakesy

"Oh the jock is so sad inside" no he's not sweetie he's smashing every night and he's got 5 scholarship offers already, he's the fuckin football star

FancyShark

Actually, Chris kind of sounds like he's on the path to becoming Venom

gellaho

Nathan has decided to forgo cleanliness for snacks and condoms

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean listening to someone ramble about their weird hobby is a small price to pay for someone to play Armored Core with and maybe give you a handy once in a while.

Even Badger will be smashed

Kathryn, do we need to send you down to Kenzie in HR?

Even Badger will be smashed

So join the 1900Hotdog discord today!

gellaho

No, he's very sad and angry and is listening to his emo music

beastmaster jakesy

Yeah all the room those condoms take up

gellaho

You know like how football players do

Even Badger will be smashed

"Girls." is not only a full sentence but a full paragraph. True fact

FancyShark

Chris tries to shed all the baby fat, but they taste so good he always has a few in a bag

gellaho

No drinkable water, but Dagwood sandwiches for everyone!

Even Badger will be smashed

Only the essentials for survival

FancyShark

mmmmm. Sundried mayonnaise

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ham has enough water to survive on.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Gobs of mayo on grinder rolls" does not read the same in 2023

gellaho

It's almost like that doesn't make sense, Kathryn you are correct

Even Badger will be smashed

He'll shell out for a Butterball but force everyone to boil their own filthy ass lake water?

FancyShark

hahaha, I missed that they're doing this Thanksgiving week

Ozzie

How the fuck are they going to cook a Thanksgiving turkey in the woods?

beastmaster jakesy

If only you were the author and control-hey wait a minute

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

WAit lol this teacher managed to convince these peoples PARENTS that their kids didnt need to be home for the one American holiday where that's mandatory?! lmao.

Ozzie

Just turn it over the fire for 8 hours?

Even Badger will be smashed

Just like the Pilgrims woulda done

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Pit cook that motherfucker.

Seriously its great.

LyraV

I could see these idiots trying to bury it without coals and wondering why it's not working.

FancyShark

"Why won't it grow more?!"

gellaho

Step right up, bring the next mysterious character interaction

gellaho

Change Ramb$ne Gracie!

i resemble this remark

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ham is excitement, Ham is hydration. Haaaaam!

Even Badger will be smashed

"You're a beast in the sack, I mean. Everybody's heard by now."

FancyShark

hold up

SHE DOESN'T GO TO THEIR SCHOOL?

gellaho

Next up, Chris attempts to murder Nathan

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is where Angel screams something about fighting werewolves in her dreams.

Ozzie

"You—are—a—beast" is even worse than any strange way of talking I would've anticipated.

Even Badger will be smashed

What the fuck is happening

FancyShark

Oh, I feel that. A bad roommate is horrible.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jeez Kelly chill. You have to choke someone for FOREVER to kill them.

Ozzie

I have no clue what that's supposed to sound like out loud.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like a full minute after they pass out at least.

NAthan is fine.

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh but Paula is the beast here.

gellaho

More mystery!

gellaho

And situation resolved

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Now he knows, you dont ask questions like "Can I touch your hair?" and "Have you heard of fast twitch muscle fibers?"

FancyShark

Chris is Irish?

gellaho

Now we're getting Nathan's perspective, so surely we'll find out what Chris was angry about right?

Ozzie

Just throw all his shit in the lake when he's not looking, vengeance secured.

LyraV

Nathans chest was also rumbling deeply from within

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Man all I wanted to do was rummage thru your shit and take whatever caught my eye, ILL HAVE REVENGE!"

gellaho

Of course not, you fool! It's time for SAT prep!

beastmaster jakesy

The secret is Chris also wants to fuck Jeff

Ozzie

Nathan found Chris' copy of Playgirl with the Gay Zeus interview.

FancyShark

Telling that "incestuous" is the first word Kathryn listed as an SAT answer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

WANTON isnt even a question.

beastmaster jakesy

Yeah it's a delicious fried dumpling

gellaho

I guess this is prep for students who have never taken a multiple choice test before and have three brain cells

FancyShark

I'll have three incestuous dumplings and a side of distressed rice

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"But none of those are "WANTON" either? This example question is stupid."

FancyShark

Holy shit, Kathryn, you're playing with fire. You're saying it's stupid to use an adverb for emphasis?

gellaho

This is bad advice

beastmaster jakesy

I- huh?

Ozzie

Love a teacher who tells you not to worry about learning the material and just social engineer the test.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Um.......the fuck what now?

FancyShark

Also, yes, something can be more empty. By the inference that something can be half-empty

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I think this guy is just trying to sabotage these kids.

Ozzie

hahaha, he's just fucking with them before he slaughters them all

Even Badger will be smashed

This pedagogy is literally too stupid for me to insult

gellaho

Rad! I know what incest is!

Ozzie

He can't enjoy the kill if they're not agonizing over similes versus metaphors.

FancyShark

Weird you'd have such a specific example at the ready, Nathan

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"But just yelling the word "WANTON:" isnt a question? That's also not how SAT questions are formatted. Also also none of this bypasses Nathans need to understand a bunch of words he doesnt already know?"

gellaho

Very romantic

FancyShark

Nothing wins a woman over like mentioning you know about incest

Even Badger will be smashed

Definitely a real sentence you would see on an SAT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Um.......titillating?! Sir?!"

"Sir I am having increasing misgivings about this SAT study camp. Can we get to the murdering now?"

gellaho

So, you know I don't think the isolated teacher and students were weird enough yet. We can go further!

beastmaster jakesy

Lol Brian (solemnly):

Even Badger will be smashed

Dear god, arrest this author

gellaho

Weirder!

FancyShark

Porter is getting so much kompromat on these kids

gellaho

"Yes, children, write dirty sentences in my cabin in the woods!"

Even Badger will be smashed

I want to get off Mr. Porter's wild ride