84: Crash Course Nicole Davidson

gellaho

Of course she can't swim, she'd melt. Duh

gellaho

beastmaster jakesy

Think she has double D's?

FancyShark

I can't play guitar. You don't see me crying about it.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Goths are notorious for negative buoyancy.

gellaho

Well, that was pointlessly drawn out

beastmaster jakesy

Ugh fine

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It really hurts their feelings when you bring it up.

beastmaster jakesy

DOUBLE D'S NUTS

gellaho

I love that Kelly thinks that diary would be evidence

It's not like Angel is dead, she can just say what she saw

Even Badger will be smashed

FancyShark

And no one questions that Angel sounds like a hellbeast when she yells

gellaho

Nathan's decided to get drunk and start showing off his stolen money

FancyShark

"Hustled so many squirrels"

LyraV

Kellys blood is in a constant state of rush

FancyShark

It's a serious medical condition

Her blood pressure must be astronomical

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Kelly..........I have a job. I work at McDonalds. You go there every week, how do you not recognize me? How do you think I got that motorcycle?!"

gellaho

"It's so great Brian died!"

FancyShark

I hope they include all this will-they-won't-they drama in Brian's eulogy

Even Badger will be smashed

"We'll never forget the tragic passing of our dear friend Brian"

"Who?"

gellaho

Thinking about Brian's bloated corpse gets me so hot

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"So yeah having a hard on makes brain do not good, need blood there."

"Oh its great how we are kissing while little fishes nibble my rotting best friend in the cold dark of the lake."

FancyShark

Twist: These characters are all different personalities in the killer's mind

gellaho

Hey, Kathryn? Cold shower

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Nathan talks like a vampire in a horny novel for women to masturbate to.

Even Badger will be smashed

Dude canonically gets turned on by rejection

FancyShark

Nathan tried all only of his moves and he's out of ideas

gellaho

Angel runs off into the woods

Ozzie

And yet Angel is oblivious

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sometimes you have to be direct but damn bro, you arent even dating.

Ozzie

I forgot she was wearing a cloak for all of this.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Of course. Shes a goth.

gellaho

And, there we go, Kathryn officially put in an erection

Even Badger will be smashed

something tells me that's not the only hood of Nathan's that was dripping there

Hahah I was right?

LyraV

those damn accusing pants

gellaho

He meets a mysterious stranger in the woods

Even Badger will be smashed

✅ Buckskin

gellaho

What could go wrong with this knife throwing exhibition?

gellaho

WHO COULDST HAVE FORESEEN THIS BETRAYAL!?

FancyShark

Kathryn's been clever. No one talks like a human, so this could be anyone

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh man nothing sucks more than dying horny. Thats how you get horny ghosts.

gellaho

Don't you hate it when you get leaves in your hair?

Ozzie

The original idea for Ghostbusters involved more bustin'

FancyShark

In his last moments, Nathan realized how turned on this made him

gellaho

Try to angle that three way, Jeff

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Angel would be down for a threeway.

Jeff might find it more than he can deal with.

See: Wax coated balls.

FancyShark

Jeff finished when Kelly arrived

He's very out of his league

gellaho

They decide to ignore Angel and wait an hour first before looking

Somehow he's still alive

gellaho

Despite, you know, bleeding for an hour

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You can live for a surprisingly long time if you get stabbed.

Long as it misses the organs.

Even Badger will be smashed

Bleeding like a Kurosawa movie villain

beastmaster jakesy

Didn't he just say he felt his organs rupturing

gellaho

Cat fight!

Even Badger will be smashed

What else can I say but :Traxxine:

beastmaster jakesy

Oh shit come on Paula!

Ozzie

That knife death was way more penetration than I thought Nathan would be experiencing.

gellaho

So, uh, you going to say what you heard Isabel? No? Alright

beastmaster jakesy

Hmmmmm@mmmmmmmmmm who's the only person who was here at the start but is no longer here

Hmmmmmm such a mystery

Even Badger will be smashed

Holy shit, you don't think...

Brian tried to kill Brian!?!?!?!?!

gellaho

Snacks and shit updates

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I love how none of these kids have seen a horror movie and have no idea whats going on.

gellaho

People refusing to communicate: the book!

Even Badger will be smashed

The literal second they figure out it's Porter and there's more of them than him they can just beat the shit out of him and the book could be over

gellaho

"I'm going to stab the killer and then we'll have a tape recording of it. So cool!"

Even Badger will be smashed

the author suddenly remembers her self-insert needs to do something heroic

FancyShark

Dammit, there's an easy way to solve this. Burn the forest down.

gellaho

Meanwhile: Paula is definitely not acting suspiciously at all

gellaho

Perfectly sane

FancyShark

Kathryn looked up "yandere" and thought "That's easy"

Even Badger will be smashed

"we brnt da furest down masta wayn"

gellaho

Isabel heard Paula discussing a suicide pact with Brian, and thought that shouldn't be shared

gellaho

gellaho

For some reason

Well, it'd be rude to admit I was eavesdropping

beastmaster jakesy

Just when you thought it couldn't get any dumber

FancyShark

These kids are acting so wanton

gellaho

"It couldn't possibly be that Paula killed him, though"

gellaho

Isabel can fix him!

Even Badger will be smashed

Brian reveals he's still alive after murdering everyone else and that he and Kelly are brother and sister and also he's crazy in love with her, hahaha wouldn't that be crazy?

Wait that's actually how Harper's Island ended

Ozzie

I fuckin' knew it

gellaho

If Kelly's not careful she might slip on her own fluids

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The paranoia is starting to set in.

FancyShark

Kelly knew what she had to do. She'd have to kill them all.

LyraV

that everything else is carrying a lot of future disappointment for Kelly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh........no I just thought it would be......nicer looking."

gellaho

I don't understand this plan

gellaho

FancyShark

I was hoping she'd recreate the blood test scene from The Thing

gellaho

gasp Paula!?

gellaho

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa

FancyShark

Kelly's never heard of "lying"

beastmaster jakesy

Hell yeah, time to collect on my wager

gellaho

Weird that you brought up Porter like he was involved then immediately reversed there

FancyShark

GASP!

PAULA IS PORTER!

gellaho

"I would have let you go if it was just Brian, but Nathan is a smelly drunk harasser who deserves to live!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"THERE IS NO PORTER ONLY PAULA! HAIL PAN!" she screamed as the knife plunged.

FancyShark

Weird time to bring up eye color

Even Badger will be smashed

"I'd never do anything to hurt him! I'd only convince him to drown himself in the lake! Not the same thing!"

gellaho

Carefully calculated pocket rocks

gellaho

beastmaster jakesy

EINHORN IS FINKLE!

gellaho

Friendzoned beyond the grave

FancyShark

His irregular shape collection!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Be real funny if Paula didnt actually do any of this.

gellaho

I think the part where she admitted to being a sociopath might be a clue that she didn't care about stabbing Nathan

gellaho

Who is still alive, it's weird you seem to care more about him than your dead best friend

FancyShark

This is going to affect Paula's test score

gellaho

"Hold on, death is painful? I hadn't considered that"

Even Badger will be smashed

Did. Did Brian not consider bringing a life jacket in case this exact situation happened

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Im getting the feeling Brian maybe suggested the whole thing as a way to get rid of Paula.

gellaho

This really does just go on and on

Even Badger will be smashed

Kathryn really wanted this to be a miniseries

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God just have a knife fight you tedious little shits.

FancyShark

"First time he'd ever gone down"

gellaho

Holy shit, Kelly really would have let her get away with killing her best friend if she hadn't stabbed Nathan

LyraV

The adventures of Detective Kelly and her nonstop rushing stupidity

gellaho

What the fuck

FancyShark

hahahahaha

Kelly is just the worst

beastmaster jakesy

She needs some post nut clarity real bad

Even Badger will be smashed

if this self insert is at all representative of the author, Kathryn is just a real piece of shit

gellaho

You are terrible at this, Kelly

beastmaster jakesy

She'll die the same way she lived: stupidly

gellaho

Hahahahaaaaaaaaaa

GDC-TOWN

Gee, indeed

beastmaster jakesy

Lol

beastmaster jakesy

Where is everyone else during all this

FancyShark

That. Is. Perfect.

LyraV

No notes.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

lol well at least Kelly didnt get it in a vital part, just her thinkmeat.

Even Badger will be smashed

Blissfully unaware that their friend is being murdered, just as Kelly planned

gellaho

Meanwhile, Angel decides to relive some personal tragedies nearby in the bushes

FancyShark

holy fuck, Kathryn

beastmaster jakesy

Has Nathan bled out yet

FancyShark

He's only lost 12 liters so far

So, no

gellaho

Angel finishes reminiscing just in time to not stop the head wound

FancyShark

Porter is so fired

gellaho

Welp, that was pointless

FancyShark

Once, twice, three times an evidence tampering

gellaho

Jeff is lost

Even Badger will be smashed

Join the club, mate

gellaho

Luckily runs into Angel

FancyShark

"I don't know if she's hurt. She looked like she could take a punch."

gellaho

Angel decides some interpretive dance is in order

beastmaster jakesy

Are rocks hard?

gellaho

Kelly's mouth tastes like rubber...for reasons

FancyShark

Jeff is learning that his sexual impulses kill women

gellaho

You gotta moisten those lips

Even Badger will be smashed

Things that needed smoothing down on this teenager:

- Shoulder blades

- ass

-

gellaho

All Paula knows is rocks

FancyShark

God it would rule if the lake was only a few inches deep

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kelly is fortunately just as cogent as before she got head trauma so thats looking good.

LyraV

All this delicate planning and rocks were the real murderer all along.

gellaho

@FancyShark can you confirm?

FancyShark

Pfft. In that lake? Maybe if they had a groupon

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is lake shark erasure and I wont stand for it, Kelly.

GDC-TOWN

Best she can hope for is maybe some muskie.

gellaho

Time to fight crazy with crazy

beastmaster jakesy

Her first good strategy yet

FancyShark

hahahaha, Kelly's brain got switched on

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Paula you are about to be outwitted by a dippy moo with a head injury. Comment?

beastmaster jakesy

Hey Paula you were right I was totally fucking Brian and he said you suck

gellaho

Kelly is only capable of reasoning when she's lost a lot of blood

FancyShark

Kelly's going to be smashing her head with a brick every time she encounters a tricky SAT question

gellaho

TIME TO STAB!

Even Badger will be smashed

"WANTON!" bonk "WANTON!" bonk

GDC-TOWN

So I just got here but are these two women bringing up high school beefs as they fight over a dude while bleeding out?

gellaho

That loss of blood is a double edged sword

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

More or less.

gellaho

Strong in mind, weak in body

FancyShark

They're two students at an SAT study camp. Paula killed her own boyfriend, Kelly's childhood friend, out of jealousy

Even Badger will be smashed

This is some fucking Riverdale shit

gellaho

Suddenly: Jeff

FancyShark

And Paula? Taken by the lake sharks

Even Badger will be smashed

"there was a fight but I can't be assed to write it, don't worry Jeff won"

gellaho

ARE YOU SHITTING ME

beastmaster jakesy

One student is drowning at 10 mph and the other is drowning at 25 mph. How long until they collide?

FancyShark

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha snitches get stitches.

gellaho

What in the actual fuck

beastmaster jakesy

Lol

FancyShark

"Kelly and the SAT group knew better, but the Lopezes didn't deserve justice or closure"

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Porter

beastmaster jakesy

Also what about all the stabbed and beaten kids

FancyShark

HAHAHAHAHA

Porter, you fucking suck

LyraV

Oh Porter you are so fired.

beastmaster jakesy

Lol wat

Even Badger will be smashed

HA

FancyShark

This ending almost makes up for all of it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha he's going to be lucky to not be charged with negligence.

gellaho

Yeah, that still doesn't really make sense

gellaho

FancyShark

hahahahaha

gellaho

Also, all that and he just caught his toe?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

lol Paula really planned this.

gellaho

Fuck you, Kathryn, you suck

beastmaster jakesy

Nathan is on his 50th gallon of blood by now

FancyShark

Paula must have an outstanding lawyer

gellaho

Nathan also hates all of them

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah I wouldn't want to hang out with them either.

gellaho

Are you fucking serious? She was fucking crazy! She made the stranger up

FancyShark

Nathan finally caught up with us

Kelly's head has healed. The stupid can't leak any more

beastmaster jakesy

Kelly still has that brain injury apparently

LyraV

She bashed your head in with a rock Kelly

gellaho

That's what tipped you off!?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

These kids all deserved to get murdered. THIS is the lingering question they had that KELLY had to figure out for them?

KELLY IS THE HERCULE POIROT IN THIS BOOK.

FancyShark

Kathryn isn't just flubbing the landing. She's getting banned from the event

gellaho

This could not be a simpler mystery, Kathryn, why are you pretending this shit is at all relevant

beastmaster jakesy

She expected to be beyond pain

Even Badger will be smashed

"She expected to be beyond pain"

beastmaster jakesy

Apparently goth girl is rubbing off on all of them

FancyShark

lol

This feels like someone trying to explain the hidden meanings in The Little Engine That Could

Even Badger will be smashed

It's just. It's beyond parody

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They all caught the goth. You really have to be careful when you make friends with a goth.

gellaho

Jesus Christ, these kids are dumb

Even Badger will be smashed

No one could be this batshit on purpose

beastmaster jakesy

FOR YOU SEE PAULA WAS A LIAR

gellaho

"I thought you might cover up a murder for someone you kind of knew because you went to the same school"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I figured it would be bad to be the lone non white girl accusing the white girls."

FancyShark

Kathryn, you are so bad at this

LyraV

Maybe one more pseudonym and you can make it not exist anymore author.

beastmaster jakesy

Oh shit I forgot we're dealing with someone with a Reading Diploma

gellaho

"Are you serious? Yes, 100% yes"

beastmaster jakesy

Lol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If I wrote something this bad under a pseudonym, I would make a third pseudonym and blog about how bad I am as an author and make myself my own literary nemesis.

beastmaster jakesy

"There were 5 of us and 1 murderer, could we have done anything to stop her if I told the others????"

FancyShark

These kids were going to take the SATs when they shouldn't be allowed to carry sharp objects

gellaho

Kelly, seems more like you wanted Brian dead

Even Badger will be smashed

Reading apparently didn't cover Writing

Even Badger will be smashed

Yeah that sounds like high schoolers

beastmaster jakesy

No the real tragedy is that he died you dipshit

gellaho

"Because your conscious is so very, very dumb"

FancyShark

Okay, this ending was worth it

gellaho

Friendzoned at the grave

Even Badger will be smashed

"It was a parlor mystery the whole time you guys, you just thought it was a slasher! Swerved!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God and it still manages to cram a teen life lesson in there.

beastmaster jakesy

Everyone press F to pay respects to Brian

gellaho

"Ugh, this trial is going to be such a drag"

gellaho

And let's conclude with making out on his grave

beastmaster jakesy

The ultimate friendzoning

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

bow chicka bow wow

FancyShark

"I knew he was the one for me when he stuck his tongue in my mouth while standing on my best friend's grave"

gellaho

God, I hope that last sentence is a lie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its how Brian would have wanted it.

Even Badger will be smashed

One more nom de plume for the road

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I hope when I die one of you will make out on my grave.

gellaho

We have defeated Crash Course

Even Badger will be smashed

That was fucking insanity.

FancyShark

We did it!

Superb riffing, everyone!

LyraV

I wonder if any of them passed the SATs

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

FancyShark

Only if they had rocks