#1 Crash Course
"Kathryn, Hi. It's the editor, did you MEAN to imply that one of your teen girl characters is flattered by the idea that she might be a goddess fucking her classmate in a tub of soup?"
"I might have to call someone based on your answer."
[high-pitched shrieking]
Start with a pun, end with bondage
I'm going to need you kids to record yourselves talking about fuckin. For science
"Oh and did you mean to convey that the teacher recorded them doing this? Because that implies things. Sinister things, maybe too sinister for the scope of this book."
I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing
Nathan finally found a kink he can use to get his foot in the door
Also Nathan you dont wanna make offers like that lightly to a goth girl.
That candle wax is hotter than you think.
Later, Jeff tries to calm his boner by burning things
Sez you
Bonkers, because horny can be zany
An excuse to go outside and crank one out into the bushes, no doubt
I'm sure this has nothing to do with the beginning of the book
There's no way this dipshit has life jackets at the ready
"If you see a wraith-like figure in a cloak steering the rowboat and demanding two coins in payment, that's just Mitch."
That sexy knee play
Yeah I keep waiting for them to loop back around to something other than this teacher being kind of a perv.
"Least responsible teacher kills eight students, claims "accident"
Oh my god this dude wants to fuck a cat so bad.
Jeff immediately runs out the door and fucks a hole in the side of a tree.
I'm sure he's arranging plenty of wood
The only thing holding him back is that he'll be distracted. Not that she might not be into it.
muffled woodpecker noises
Has there ever been a Dead Meat kill count with just a single death?
Its about the only teen thing Kathryn has gotten right so far.
This is a book about high school boys, you have to assume like 75% of the day involves being chubbed up
And Jeff is a Tight Pants Kid, unfortunately for him.
Kathryn decides to forgo being coy and just throw out the word "horny"
In this book ostensibly for the kids
I haven't read Judy Blume. Where do her books fall on this?
I don't mess around with my username here but if I was gonna, "as horny as Nathan" would be in the running
Whoa when did we get a Sissyneck appearance
Alot less horny.
Early this morning
Or at least the ones I remember.
Didn't think a YA book author could give Jodi Picoult a run for her money on the deeply weird scale but my god is Kathryn trying
So either he lives on the east coast or he's up real early on the west
The lore grows
Yeah so far Kathryn has been racist, thirsty, and creepy. Solid attempt at the YA Unsettling Triple Crown.
Kelly is very sensitive
Deep, so Deeeeeeeep
Tell them an Irish one just to fuck with them.
Say that again, out loud, slowly.
Deep … Creek … Lake.
Kelly and Jeff will find Rawhead and Bloody Bones instructive.
"Sure, white devil. Just like every Native American, I only have stories from my heritage."
Gweemush
5 will get you 10 Gweemush is a new addition to the Indigenous American pantheon
"Gweemush? Did you make that up? It's only 1990 so we can't google it."
I just checked to be sure. It's made up. Have at it.
Yeah I mean George W
Kathryn heard a baby try to say "Grimace" at McDonald's and got an idea
Hahahaha wait the moral of this story is that the last survivors of this tribe have to fucking die and join the people who have gone before them in death?!?! The moral of the story is to complete your own genocide?!?!?!
It's real in the made up woods somewhere between Baltimore and DC
As are the Susquehanna people
"So in conclusion Brian and Kelly should both throw themselves in the lake."
And now: all the emotions
Isabel is trying so hard not to laugh
Then Jeff goes full caveman
"Hahahahha that nerd Kelly bought that whole Native American jive."
Um Jeff buddy come on now
Dude was literally just waiting for any kind of consent, to anything, to go full kidnapping woods maniac
Jeff this is not what consent means.
Even if they don't have sex, that lake is giving them a UTI
Can't wait for him to drown
Jeff gets scared for like the third time this book, and wanders off
"Oh but she really wanted it even if she was loudly saying no and pleading for help"
Yeah I bet he needed to listen to the ol' vocab tape in his pants
Is kathryn working off some kind of problematic bingo card?
KATHRYYYYYYYYYYYN! YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DOOOOOOOO!
Jeff was embarrassed because he'd forgotten his skin collection
Jeff can't figure out how to talk to girls if his car's not in line-of-sight.
Lets be honest, Kelly struggling gave Jeff a boner and he needs to sort out what that means.
Ten years from now he will be a prolific sex wrestler on Kink.com.
Suddenly, mystery during marshmallows
"Isabel slapped her gooey stick"
That feels right for Jeff if he survives all this.
Poetry
Yeah. Slap that gooey stick. Jesus, you're weird, Kathryn
That's funny Jeff's in the bathroom slapping his gooey stick as well
"WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING IN RIDDLES!" says the girl who thinks riddles are when you werent present for part of the conversation.
How the fuck does this make it to publishing without an editor demanding a page one rewrite
Kelly doesn't understand why Jeff hasn't asked her to marry him yet
Editor?
Anyone who has to say that they're likable probably isn't
Kelly might be a little self centered.
Like jeez girl give him time to come to terms with his new fetish.
Yes, judging how attractive you find someone by how attractive others find them is fine, Jeff
I'm astonished that we've been doing this for almost three hours now and still haven't left act 1
oh wait, Kelly's POV
dangit
At least shit like Godslayer knew how to keep shit moving
Kelly needs someone to tell her its weird to be impatient with someone when you basically just met them and all you want is their sweet hog right now, in the woods.
Later, Kelly makes Jeff get handsy
Lol
Finally, the pretense is over
Good grief.
Jeff. Never apologize for getting a woman wet.
Rule number one.
Also does "shirt-front" mean tits
Also nice to take some fuckin initiative instead of bitching about how Jeff might not like you, Kelly.
If you're apologizing for getting a woman wet, there's a 95% chance you're guessing
What a great character
Just say tits
nah he got the belly button
Seriously calm down Kelly
"WAHT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?! THE GIRL YOU ARENT FILLING WITH CUM AT ALL RIGHT NOW?! ITS LIKE YOU DONT LIKE ME AT ALL! SKREEEEEEEE!"
i've seen this anime
Last time I got laid it started with her grabbing my hand and putting it on her tit out of nowhere, so I can't fault any part of this plan.
I wonder if this has anything to do with the beginning of the book
Just take a breath girlfriend, Jeff does not seem like a fast mover in that department give him some room. I'd say focus on yourself but Kelly might benefit from paying actual attention to Anything but herself.
Frustrate Kelly into savaging you like a bear, Jeff.
Oh come on. Brian didn't even get to do anything and he's already drowned?
lol. Flippant and Lyra giving very different advice
We should run an advice column
Oh man I'm so going to nail my predictions
To different people tho.
Oh, Brian. We hardly knew ye
Literally
Hahaha a teenager has fucking died
Paula, why is Brian's head tucked under your arm?
Paula's talking about her Dark Passenger there
Oh nooooo that guy we kind of thought sucked. Nooooo.
Hell yeah one down, one to go
Some panties for the kids
Who will Kelly interrupt the fights of now?
Kelly he is dead as hell.
Porter is thinking about all the awards he's going to get when these kids pass the SATs
Takes Kelly a while to figure out he sunk
Why the fuck were they out in the rowboat anyway
Because Mitch is persuasive
The teacher was like yeah you guys can play in the boat or whatever
Kelly, I get it. Your Fallback Boyfriend is gone for good, and that's painful. But you gotta let it go, hon.
Kelly is moving at lightning speed from assumption to assumption.
Would be very ironic if that was Brian grabbing her leg
Gweemush? she thought.
The next study session will be a great chance to demonstrate logic. "If Brian hasn't surfaced after X minutes, how likely is it that he will surface in the next minute?"
Sentence of the fucking book right there
"Does Gweemush think I'm pretty?"
Kathryn is great at setting a mood
Ooooh look at Kathryn, she can afford the FANCY pastel crayons.
Who the fuck is Dawn?
The words "Chapter 7" fill me with a visceral dread
"And he loved the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!"
Same number as the amount of living teens left.
"She's not giving thanks thats for sure. Cos her boyfriend is dead, you see."
I hope this ends up being a stealth Thanksgiving story and Isabel's just mowing down the colonizers
Paula's got a great alibi
With her grandads sweet kukri!
Then, what,she cuts herself in half?
Just the Irish part!
"Yeah Sherlock, I told him the boat shit was dangerous and HE DIDNT LISTEN LIKE YOU ARENT DOING RIGHT NOW!"
Split in two, just like dear old Eire
"Now we'll never be able to get the boat going fast enough to ski"
Kelly's vagina quickly helps her forget her best friend
Jesus, Kelly. His body's not even cold yet
Even with the freezing water
Jeff wont be of any use after freezing his dick off, great job KELLY!
He'll be too busy piecing it back together like the shattered lollipop in Kung Fu Hustle.
Kelly's angry that she's not getting the truth, not that her crush blamed her best friend's death on himself
He's a real catch, Kelly
I mean..............Jeff does have a point?
Safety is everyones job.
EVEN YOURS, BRIAN YOU DEAD ASS DINGUS!
We're ignoring the possibility that Brian saw a chance to get away from Paula and he took it
This is now reminding me of a Goosebumps book where campers start disappearing and dying off but then at the end they're all fine and it was a weird prank/social experiment thing.
"You kids can suck it, I'm out"
Dude's taking a taxi back to Baltimore right now, for sure
"You go that way, I'll go home!"
"Yeah its a great idea to leave seven grieving teens alone in the woods. No way will that result in more murders OR group sex."
Curses. Now I'm thinking Porter killed Brian for scoring the lowest on the practice test
Angel decides to keep her written threats
He's just not ready to rip off his pants and reveal his goat legs and scream "HAIL PAN!" and chase them with a hatchet.
She's a goth. She probably writes that a dozen times a day
Black velvet-covered? Is there a sad clown or an Elvis on the back of it?
The boy they called Nathan
Angel is kind of a fair weather goth.
Horny loser + goth chick, no way this'll be awkward.
Angel noooooooo
Which of them brings up bondage again first?
Nathan decides this is a great time to get into theft
Also why does Kath keep switching to first person
Again, my high school thought process
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MON—wait
More mystery! ISN'T IT INTERESTING
Some of you studied the insurance money, I studied the blade
Nathan if you know who did it you should be stabbing the hell out of them and not trying to get laid. Trust me, Angel will be much more impressed if you stab someone THEN try and make time.
Nathan's waking up in a bed of spiders
Okay I was empathizing deeply but even my sad goth younger self would have been like 'old Nathan? wtf dude?'
Nathan's about to take the goth babe to Deep Creek
And his balls covered in candle wax like its a Babybel cheese.
Lol
I wonder what that could possibly mean
Then she remembered the effects of their dinner
Kelly would certainly know about nagging
Amirite fellas
Because slimy is exactly what you expect the bottom of a boat to be
It means Kelly didnt check the bottom of the boat to notice who else would have been in it. Because Kelly is an idiot.
Heyoooo! hahahaha, a boy died
Angel decides to keep this stupid shit up
Sad trombone
Brian's parents are going to spend the rest of their lives screaming whenever they see the letters "SAT"
lol Angel is a shit stirrer.
Kelly's going to do great on the test
Kellys heart will go on I'm sure.
Jeff is a powerful warlock
So on top of everything else Kelly is a precog. Fucking insufferable
Can they please have sex and attract and get eaten by a bear, already?
Kelly is very stupid
He has the pact of the Horny, and his Eldritch Blast cantrip causes the target to make a saving throw vs Horny.
Now see if I found out Kelly was doing coke I wouldn't be surprised.
Jesus CHRIST, Kelly, you goddamn dingbat.
Looks like Jeff's going to be slappin' the ol gooey stick for yet another night
Throw a little 1940s comical misunderstanding in your slasher plot
Kelly you utter dipshit, he's known you for like five fuckin minutes, why would he be talking about girls to YOU?!
He should go and fuck the goth girl instead.
Because he's a desperate loser
Desperate enough… to MURDERRR
He's too much of a dorkus malorkus to be a murderer.
Isabel tries to search the boy's room for her knife. Chris hulks out
Yeah I'm starting to think ol Klepto Nathan might be involved but Paula has been awful quiet
Jeff is a very shitty wrestler
His hand was muscled?
So Chris is always one push away from murder?
Yeah root around in the black kids stuff for stolen items first, Kathryn, that sets a great precedent.
ROID RAGE
Lol
Why does he need the roids at study camp
Also Jeff youre a fucking WRESTLER and you cant wrestle one black dude? Kiss Harvard good bye my guy.
The pills are for his crippling opioid addiction that he feels great shame and frustration about.
GIVE ME LIQUID TESTOSTERONE
The vials are for his thyroid eye disease.
They're experimental elephant abortion drugs, and this is Lenny Rises.
Maybe he or a loved one is suffering from mesothelioma
Chris, you doofus. Just strap a blade to your ankle like everyone else
they're actually for his autoimmune condition. was embarrassed about keeping them in the fridge.
Isabel forgets about her stolen knife because she's very excited about the roids
"Jeff I've SEEN YOU juice in the locker room dude. It's why your dick is like......you know.....a lil Baby Jesus."
Wow, he kicked the habit fast
Aw Chris is gonna be beating his first wife soon.
"I AM NOT AT ALL SUSPICIOUS," said Paula
Isabel pumped Speech at level up
Isabel, if you date Chris, you'd better get used to wondering why the police haven't shown up
his last name ain't brown is it?
"I had never considered this to be weird before"
Nah, this Chris can't sing
Wait. That doesn't clear it up at all
Okay Jeff but consider this, you all suck and also can't wait to leave school at the end of the day.
"He hates students so much he'd drive out into the middle of the woods with eight of them"
I love that nobody thought about this until now
Horny update: still horny even though she thinks he might have killed Brian
Porter is out in the treeline naked but for a scrap of hide, painting himself with homemade woad.
Wait it's not normal for the teacher to take you outside civilization and ditch you?
She's going to be jerking at something soon
"Jerking" is sure a choice of worfuck scooped
bad boys are always popular
Ah, Kelly's going insane
thats every teacher tho
The best way to get some in high school is maybe be a murder suspect.
Just now?
Oh no! The water's come back to finish them off!
Damn it Kelly get it together
Kelly caught goth from Angel.
Cos that is a goth girl thought.
In case you were wondering, the very major breasts get a call back
Thank god. I was worried this book wasn't going to be horny
Major Minor's Majestic Mammaries