90: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #1: Time Bomb Franklin W. Dixon

#1 A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller

Tags: The Year of Pain

An explosive discovery ignites a cosmic countdown to destruction!

Archive

gellaho: In one hour, get zapped in A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor
Spotty:Actual Witchcraft Scholar: Penetrating a field with a 10 foot cylinder? I've seen this before.
FancyShark: Weird to have the Protoss show up in a Hardy Boys/Tom Swift book
gellaho: Hmmm, I seemed to have made a minor mistake due to the fact that these books are not numbered. This is the second one
FancyShark: huh; oopsie
gellaho: So, quick 🚨 Poll Time 🚨; 1️⃣ Time Bomb; 2️⃣ The Alien Factor
gellaho: For reference
FancyShark: There better be balls
gellaho: Number your goddamned books
Ozzie: The Hardy Boys are absolutely not equipped to dodge dinosaurs.
gellaho: Looking like Time Bomb, so here's the new preview
gellaho: Everyone knows broken physics = purple
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's the colour out of space! Nic Cage told me so!; Oh shit, I'm purple; Any moment now I could clip out of world
gellaho: I hate to interrupt, actually no I don't. People have this discussion constantly; It's time to begin the process
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah, never mind that shit, here comes Book Cage!
gellaho: We open with the robot that I'm pretty sure killed itself in the first book
gellaho: AND COSMIC RAY'S
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fuck yeah, cosmic rays! They'll either give us superpowers like the Fantastic Four or give us cancer like everybody else!!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Unfortunately robots can be cruelly yanked from the embrace of Death anytime.
Brendan: If my robot starts questioning my wisdom but also doesn't know basic science facts, I'm going to pull his battery before he kills me in my sleep.
Agent of SVVERVED: oh fuck it's the Hardy boys
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Do........cosmic rays fall like rain? Have I been missing out on infinite cosmic power this whole time?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "When my satellite is right overhead", give or take a few hundred thousand miles
LyraV: Sweet I didn't miss too much
gellaho: Then 23,550 cubic feet of cylinders
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Right on time in fact.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah because Cherenkov radiation is what you want to look for if you want to have a good time; If your Geiger counter ain't rockin', don't come a- knockin'
gellaho: Sure, that'll prove that... what?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah, its gonna get all STALKER in here.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It'll prove Tom Swift is fucking rad as shit, is what
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuckin tachyons, how do they work?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Subatomic penetration rapid fire through your skull, mostly
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And how can I use it to destroy armored vehicles?
gellaho: Tom understands these quantum particles, but not the portable phone
LyraV: Hey maybe ask me if I want to actually answer first?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Missed opportunity to have Rob open a panel on his body and hand him a physical phone receiver
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Toms robot invents wifi like 30 years early.; In three weeks it will invent sexting.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: ; if (you) = up; then (nudes) = send;
gellaho: Just coasting off the A-Bomb for twenty years
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Mostly he's remembered for being the waterfall that Moriarty and Holmes fell from.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "No, he's not the one quoting the Bhagavad Gita. No he was probably not a Nazi."; "Probably."
LyraV: I guess Princeton was cool with it, he wasn't teaching or anything just hanging around the cafeteria
gellaho: I'm not entirely sure why Tom had to be here for his dad to read his mail, but sure
GDC: Reisenbach was one of the Operation Paperclip guys
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
gellaho: Laundry lists are terrifying
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh god. What kind of madman needs a list for his laundry?
GDC: Who makes a list for laundry? Just wash all the stuff in the hamper, you don't need to itemize it
LyraV: It's his love letters to Lucille Ball; He was too shy to send them
gellaho: The ninth dimension is my favorite
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The erotic poems will be published in a hardcover volume.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: 50 Dimensions of Gray
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Booooo I came here for enternainment, not string theory, boooooooo! Make a dimensional bomb out of robot parts, Tom!
GDC: The good doctor is going to make a portal to the Hardyverse
Ozzie: My Madeleine L'engle fanfic! Where did you find it?
gellaho: You can tell the equations are for time travel without the design notes?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah fuck you, dont give Tom Swift a time machine! He could barely handle an electric shirt that makes you Boyka.
gellaho: I'm sure nobody bothered looking at the famous, disappearing professor's unpublished papers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's just one of those things that's really obvious in hindsight
LyraV: Yeah maybe someone should have looked at those notes at some point.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah I know when some old science freak dies and I get his unpublished notes I just assume its all weird slashfic and poetry about Lucille Ball's delicate fuckfarts.
gellaho: And he didn't publish any of it. Because.
GDC: Tom swift is going to go to the library's card catalog and look up "uncatalogued scientific papers"
LyraV: Annotations like 'hahaha I'm just doing this for shits and giggles fuck science'
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's too dangerous for the muggles to have their hands on. Which is why he didn't destroy it
gellaho: Very scientific
Ozzie: He was fucking the time machine and knew it would come to light once the papers were published.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It was probably all the drawings in the margins.
Ozzie: Yeah, yeah, the Flux Capacitor, obviously
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He could never have their torrid affair come to light. What would his interocitor think?
gellaho: Black Dragon has agents at every public library. How much could that possibly cost
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's not like public libraries are funded anyway, so it can't be a lot
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Not that much. I'd do it for less than a hundo.
gellaho: Completely revamped because it turns out the professor's designs were horseshit
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Because of course Tom Swift only needs two weeks to redesign and fabricate a fucking time machine.
gellaho: What could go wrong with testing a one way time machine
Brendan: This book is rad to the maximum.
FancyShark: Sorry I'm late. Someone please catch me up
gellaho: Choo-Choo
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: A mysteriously German scientist has left Tom Swift his notes on time travel.
GDC: wait, did they replace the transistors with microchips or the other way around?
Brendan: Tom Swift got sent a box full of notes by the time machine's inventor's heirs. They didn't even look at it!
FancyShark: lol; Thank you both!; I'm sure this won't backfire
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Also he discovered tachyons but that's not even an issue
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift is about to go full Sliders.
Ozzie: "We have to recreate this disappeared scientist's experiments in time travel!"
Brendan: Gonna call my organization the Black Dragon but we just do a lot of urban garden volunteer work and Big Brother coaching.
gellaho: Time to give the past; puts on sunglasses; cocks gun; Some lead poisoning.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
FancyShark: Time is like a train and we are cows on the tracks
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Harlan Ellison?; Should have known that prick would be involved
GDC: "Harlan is ready with a string of verbal abuse for you, son"
LyraV: this slew me
Brendan: Sounds like he's going to Timeline a Sliders, which is lamer but hey, pretty dope for a kid's book older than both of them.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Shitty on the Edge of Forever
Brendan: "Fuck Harlan Ellison."
gellaho: Harlan Ames is their security guard. They're sending the lead bar into his safe; The scientific purple
FancyShark: Harlan, the 800-year old security officer?
GDC: FYI Reisenbach worked on building an atomic bomb in the forties but the book is cagey about who for.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I made the same Harlan Ellison joke the last time he showed up.; I'm a very simple input-output sort of creature.
FancyShark: It's Hitler. It's always Hitler.
gellaho: Hopefully there was nothing important in that safe; The one they are time flinging a lead bar into
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The machine catapults that iron bar thru the security guards torso and Tom has to get a replacement from another timeline.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The lead bar goes flying into Harlan's gut on the opposite end of time, passing cleanly through his skin and organs
FancyShark: At the funeral, Tom states he prefers his friends unleaded
GDC: That was a precisely calibrated science bar
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fuck, scooped
gellaho: Is that better?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It's like Dont Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead but with time travel.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Cockamamie
GDC: Well Doc Brown ran this test on his dog, so a lead bar is probably an improvement
Brendan: If their calculations are off by a femtosecond or a nanometer, Harlan is either floating in space or Philadelphia Experimented.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A word we will most definitely be using in The Future
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He's right tho, it IS pretty cockamamie.; Wouldnt that mean the bar was in the safe the whole time tho?
FancyShark: Some kinda dole-gurn' extra-dimensional traverse contraption
Brendan: I like that we as a society have agreed that blacklight is the color of unknowable alienness
gellaho: Well, la-ti-da Mr Fancypants
Brendan: How much energy does this time machine require?
LyraV: I mean unless you're a stoner, then it's what makes your tapestries look dope
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: That's usually the conclusion one draws when they run a blacklight over the average shut in's bedroom, so it's appropriate
FancyShark: That's "Chrono Trigger", Swift
LyraV: Thank you it was right on the tip of my mind
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Pretty bizarre says the man driving a hovercraft.
gellaho: I was worried, but fuck it
gellaho
gellaho: It is very annoying discord makes me upload these individually
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah telefrag.
GDC: "Wish we hadn't tried it on all those dogs first"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "We invented a time railgun and almost murdered Harlan with it, but no harm no foul amirite"
FancyShark: "Some Persian kid showed up with a dagger and told us to knock it off, but we shot him"
Brendan: This would be the end of war one way or another.; It's either a can't miss gun or an existential erasure.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This is all dangerously close to a Doctor Doom plot
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: and the start of TIME WAR!
Brendan: Tom Swift IS Kang the Conqueror
gellaho: Eat radiation, the past!
FancyShark: He's so close to supervillain already. Any second now he's going to get that final push
gellaho: Don't worry about why the dirt didn't explode
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tom Swift is why the final season of Enterprise got so fucking weird
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Five minutes with Frank and Joe should do it.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Granted it did make pretty good fodder for Star Trek Online. Silver linings
LyraV: He's NOT a supervillain?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Technically
LyraV: I have been reading these way wrong.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah I mean he has a sweet battle van, so technically he is a good guy for now.
Brendan: Twinkie Reactor
gellaho: It was nice of the helicopter to wait until the experiment was over
FancyShark: I love that we're getting "Crisis on Infinite Earths" and all they're bringing to the table is "Not Evil Supervillain", "Robo Boy" and "Immortal Expl-; Actually, this could work
Brendan: Wait is all this plot just to make the Hardy crossover temporarily real?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Most definitely
gellaho: The widdlest helicopter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A book written before Predator drones, clearly
gellaho: Spoiler alert: nope
Brendan: This Tom Swift novel is better sci-fi than the last six sci-fi books we read.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The best we could imagine for attack drone tech was that one RC plane mission from San Andreas
Brendan: Some pulp pud writing about dragon-planets and starbarians while the kids' book is like "Yeah, you'd want a highly radioactive isotope so you could measure its journey by half-life..."
gellaho: Hardcore
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He's got Steele rocket-tubes!!
gellaho: I will not have you disparaging the good name of Maximilian Dragonard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah Max can disparage his own good name well enough on his own
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah his security guards have anti-armor weapons, he really came prepared.
Brendan: Nothing I could say about that anger-lord is worse than the truth.
gellaho: Everyone dies
Brendan: Just grimly marrying a woman he met for one drink in his head.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: To be fair, Dragonard got brain surgery so he might be less of a weirdo in book 2.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Children's book, by the way; At least shit like Star Wars swaps out the bullets for fun colored lasers
gellaho: Mr Swift immediately abandons all his security men
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hell yeah this is what a growing child needs. Amphibious assaults for science.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Y'all didn't put a deadman switch on that thing?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also great establishing the stakes, book, like.......im genuinely impressed.
Brendan: Yeah, this book, as the kids say, fuckslaps.
gellaho: And as for how the Hardy Boys get involved? Fenton is just hired by someone
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Wait this is all contemporary?
LyraV: What?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I thought Tom Swift was in The Future
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: hahahaha yeah of course it is.
Brendan: But Mr. Hardy, said Drake. Reisenbacj is a Nazi war criminal!; Committing TIMECRIME
LyraV: They could have done it any way in the infinite of imagination and went with...yeah alright.
gellaho: The strongest of all men: old professors
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "The professor shook his bald head" is truly sublime as a sentence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Old bald guy really looks like he can bench press a truck, the book just decided we didnt need to know it.
gellaho: "Hey boys, I'm going to take a nap. Why don't you two get a head start on this."
gellaho: Joe believes Sandy Koufax might somehow be involved
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Shut the fuck up about baseball, Joe."
LyraV: Seriously.
gellaho: Fat Cat Burglar
gellaho
LyraV: The library association's network ruled over by people quietly telling you to 'shhhhhh'
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Makes sense. I know I am stealthy as HELL, I could do cat burglary.; Also its real easy to steal from public libraries.
Brendan: This is the most distinction Joe and Frank have ever had.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Social engineering will get you farther than spandex catsuits. Though the spandex helps
gellaho: It's always the (life) insurance money
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Gripping paper trail action.
gellaho: Oh, thank God it got Italian. I was worried this wasn't a Book Cage
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The ghostwriter heard of that thing where narrative has to have peaks and valleys but didnt quite execute on that right.
Brendan: if I get a time machine I'm just going to go sink European ships approaching other continents.
gellaho: You are so brave
GDC: But doctor, I am pagliarusso
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I'd trade Bablyonians their beer recipe for AK-47s.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Brendan fucks up the calibration on his time torpedo and sinks the Lusitania by mistake
gellaho: That doesn't seem legally binding, but sure
FancyShark: GASP
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Where in Canada tho?
gellaho: Those Irish immigrants trying to escape the potato famine are going to have a real rude awakening
GDC: I have a house in Canada, you wouldn't know her.
LyraV: I'm headed to that trial where the Pope was already dead, it's sure to be surreal laugh riot.
FancyShark: "If...shows up...gets...Canada...got it."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Like a Yukon fortress compound and a duplex in Alberta are not at all equal.
gellaho: Look at Mr Fenton Hardy here
FancyShark: They are when you see how many caribou are crammed in there
Brendan: Uh, I think I can tell the difference between a quartersloop and a steam-flongled hidgepidge, Frump.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh Ontario? Not bad.
Spotty:Actual Witchcraft Scholar: Who the hell just knows that off the top of their head?
GDC: Niagara is not a city in Ontario.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Least its not Quebec or Alberta.
Brendan: Oh yeah, lots of people want to meet Jesus, I'm just going to make sure Paul doesn't get up from the road to Damascus.
GDC: Niagara Falls, or Niagara On The Lake are real cities.
FancyShark: Brendan waiting with a baseball bat
gellaho: So not that good of care then
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: So the professor is probably having fun machine gun dueling the cyber-apes of the future in the Cenozoic era, just leave him alone.
LyraV: Eventually scientists will figure out that all time travel is just people going back in time to see cool shows. Like 90% of the people at the Hollywood Bowl seeing Monty Python are time travelers.
gellaho: Frank felt uneasy
gellaho: Frank began to feel uneasy
Ozzie: Between "History's Funniest Show Trials" and "I Saw Them When", I'm very interested in subscribing to your time travel YouTube channel.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Uneasiness comes in waves, like nausea
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And has a knife, look out, Frank!
gellaho: Joe with a special report: steel door difficult to open
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Locked. Severely.; Joe discovers Al Capone's lost vault
Ozzie: He can only pick locks up to Moderate
GDC: The lock had a little frowny face on it.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Time bunker!
GDC: I wonder if the time bunker has a time blender in it.; For time smoothies
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This is why you always keep a copy of the magazine that boosts lockpicking skill on your person
gellaho: They go into town where it turns out everyone is very into minting
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Listen, minting is cool as shit.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You have to eat so many bugs to learn how to make Fortify Lockpicking potions, Frank may be out of luck.
gellaho: Baldish
FancyShark: Baldish is balding's noncommittal sibling
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Bald-ish was a weird direction for NBC to go after Black-ish
GDC: Kept making terrible puns, kept a crypt
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha gas prices are a riot.
FancyShark: "Kind of bald, but with hair that was white"
gellaho: Like he, I dunno, traveled from the past er something
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha I just checked and gas was like 31 cents a gallon in the 60s, no wonder he made a face.
FancyShark: "He also seemed like he'd contracted every disease that'd become commonplace since the turn of the century"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This is a lot of setup to get these characters into the same room together.
gellaho: That's where you go for the newspaper
gellaho: Old Uneasy Frank, back at it again
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah cos who wants to buy a newspaper?
FancyShark: I love you all, but if I see you have a coffee-table book on The 1960's, I'm leaving your home and never coming back
Brendan: There is no way that they haven't found a massive porn stash yet.
gellaho: A real steal with all that lead
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I only have coffee table books on Star Wars blueprints and the history of the Federation from Star Trek, so I'm safe
gellaho: Wakka wakka
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Ah yes........um........Heil.....Rrrreeeagan?"
FancyShark: Reisenbach really taking his time on the "Summer of Love" section
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Sorry I havent caught up on your future customs."
gellaho: "Sure, I'll trust you random teens"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Flawless cover, actually
Brendan: Ernst came forward in time? Nah, Ernst, you have to go backwards first and establish a $1 index fund investment
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha don't bring up South America, German doctor on the run! What are you doing!!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: How long until Reisenbach is busted by JCVD for Willful Timery With Intent?
gellaho: Back at home, the wonders of 1992
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Show him Nintendo and make him die!
FancyShark: "Don't stick your genitals in any of these things. Trust me," says Fenton.
gellaho: But, before the excitement of a fax, GUN PLAY
FancyShark: Oh no!; [Hardys immediately begin fixing sandwiches]
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Just collapse his brain with Mario Kart.
gellaho: Fenton's Last Stand
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's their power up food, like spinach
LyraV: I had to step out to grab dinner, what did I miss?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GET TO THE HARDY VAN!
FancyShark: Fenton's gonna die like he always wanted: In a hail of bullets away from his sons
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: Fenton is captured by armored spacemen
gellaho
FancyShark: The Hardys found Reichenbach wandering around from the past and now thugs have kicked in the door to capture him
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh fuck, they have power armor
FancyShark: Klaatu is done fucking around
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: These kids and their dad are so fucking dead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah, the Time Swat has arrived.
LyraV: Nice that escalated quickly
GDC: Iron skeleton is a Warhammer as fuck way to describe powered armor
gellaho: Fenton in the dungeon
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: For Fenton it's like coming home
FancyShark: Uh, Fenton. Salt shouldn't stain like that
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It's absolutely not salt.
GDC: Have any of the hardy books had a section from Fenton's perspective?
gellaho: Fenton master escapist
FancyShark: In a prison cell? It's for sure not salt
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fenton is about to play every prisoners favorite game: "Bird shit or jism?"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: it's always jism
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its not a fun game but you take what you can get.
LyraV: Surely he meant sweat stained
FancyShark: "Key chain" and "pocket knife" are his nicknames for Joe and Frank
gellaho: The duplicitous Professor Drake
FancyShark: I'm sure Professor Drake isn't the Black Dragon
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Upton Sinclair?!; That fiend!
gellaho: Now: holograms
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Aw I wanted it to be a time travelling Andrew Carnegie.
FancyShark: "You're going to read about meat packing in Chicago and demand reforms!"
LyraV: He's been twirling his moustache the whole time, how could they not have noticed
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He was doing it under his hologram
FancyShark: Again with the holograms that could render so many technologies obsolete
gellaho: I'm guessing Upton's sticking around
FancyShark: He interfered in a No Interference zone
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Five yard penalty. Automatic first down.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Uhhhh ohhhhhhhh someone is gonna get liquidated.
gellaho: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: TRAP DOOR! ALLIGATOR PIT!; TIME ALLIGATOR PIT!
gellaho: Emperor Drake
FancyShark: YES; FIRE PIT
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I love a good lasering.
GDC: Classic bumbling henchman execution.
FancyShark: Who knew the secret to making Tom Swift work was characters we don't openly hate and the secret to making Hardy Boys work was making shit happen?
gellaho: You got this, Fenton
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Should've lightly electrocuted his balls a bit first though. That's the real supervillain move
gellaho: Shit
FancyShark: World's Greatest Detective
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hooting
gellaho: Hey!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
FancyShark: I love that we're getting actual Fenton stuff
GDC: That's the 'broken out of the supply closet' alarm.
gellaho: Steel Door: the book
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
FancyShark: SPANG
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: :SteeleYourself: 🚪
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Remember to serpentine, Fenton.
FancyShark: Fenton kept proper quips for himself
gellaho: I'll be dipped
FancyShark: Nevermind
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahha fuck yeah, he found a time machine.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
LyraV: Maybe you will buddy people leave death rays just lying around all the time
gellaho: Welp, there goes Fenton
gellaho: They leave their time machines unlocked, so it's a possibility
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha fuck yes TIME ESCAPE!!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fenton is enough of a pro to have a time pun ready.
Ozzie: "See you EARLIER!"
gellaho: I wonder what movie that is
FancyShark: Fenton lands in 1892 and resolves to make new sons out of buckets
FancyShark: Zardoz
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah I love Starcrash too Joe
GDC: Space Mutiny
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha the Zardoz rock has its own emote; Fuck yes
Brendan: If you don't use your time machine to feed henchmen to the T. Rex what are you even doing?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF; Getting so much use out of that GIF today.
Brendan: Fenton's prison break is beat for beat Max's.
gellaho: Frank about to take out the Super Suit
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: STONY FACED
Brendan: Man, Fenton really pulled out all the stops on this particular fake death prank.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: We summoned it
FancyShark: Robot vs Robot
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The time travel ARG he set up is a real stumper
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: TEENAGERS and their van! VS! Power armored terrorists!
gellaho: The most advanced technology cannot defeat the most deadly of foes: a tree
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Classic juke
FancyShark: The Hardys are badass?! What the hell is going on?!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nice.
gellaho: If you thought that was it, no: jet car
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Did… did we get a ghostwriter who's taking this shit seriously?; Are we that lucky?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah high speed chase!
gellaho: Frank & Furious
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I expect all this action to be followed by Frank and Joe filling out tax forms.
FancyShark: SWEET!
GDC: Van fight!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: HELL YEAH!
LyraV: DO IT LIVE THE VAN
Brendan: Joe wearing an "I'm with Furious" t-shirt.
gellaho: Van off-roading
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Joe opens the side door and has an M60 with hi ex rounds.
Brendan: You know boys, most teens would consider themselves lucky to have been in just TWO high-speed car chases before college.
gellaho: Frank riding blind, a classic chess gambit
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Offroading in a van is pretty sweet.
FancyShark: STILL BEING CHASED. CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.; God, this fucking rules
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank going full Van Zatoichi.
GDC: They should have adapted this novel for the TV series.
Brendan: Frank is being really Joe today.
gellaho: Classic Robert Frost, always needed in a car chase
FancyShark: If Chet shows up now and cuts the robot in half with an axe, this will replace Dead of Night as my favorite
Brendan: Chet's already in Alexandria eating extinct species.
gellaho: Zoom zoom
GDC: Dropping poetry references the middle of a van fight is cooler than any hardy book deserves
FancyShark: "Extinct Species" is the translated name of the Alexandrian baroness he met
gellaho: The next day: THE CONSUMPTION MUST BEGIN
FancyShark: Better get our star rating down first
LyraV: Dude I know where you could get some bitchin Van ideas
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha I just caught up. this book fucking rules
gellaho
FancyShark: hahaha, awesome!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Where the fuck was this level of writing thirty books ago!?
gellaho: Funmobile
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This writer made the Hardies cool!
GDC: Why did they go with racing stripes and not a sweet dragon?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fuck yes call it a funmobile!!
FancyShark: That's for cruising for not-Callie
Brendan: GOOD he deserves love.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I was worried when most of the early book was just plodding time travel setup but I'm 100% on board now. This book whips ass
gellaho: MUST CONSUME
Brendan: I hope he's Justinian and just railing Theodora.
Ozzie: Culling the weak
FancyShark: Attacking those plates like they owe them money
LyraV: Just HAM.
GDC: Risenbach isn't aware how hacky airplane food jokes are now.
LyraV: Like a whole honey roasted ham with your eggs and hotcakes
gellaho: Reisenbach really wants to know what's happening with Batboy
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Technocriminalsss
Brendan: This dude invented time travel and he can't believe microwaves.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: We have astrophysicists who are flat earthers. It takes all kinds
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And they definitely had them in the 60s, like the Japanese army tried to use microwaves to make a death ray.
FancyShark: Show him Goober Grape and he'll write off the future as a doomed hellscape
gellaho: Do the Hardy Boys and Tom Swift meet because of Weekly World News?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Anything to stop Godzilla
gellaho: You bet your ass
FancyShark: HAHAHA!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Don't ever say tabloids did nothing for us as a society
Ozzie: Tom Swift outmatches the Hardy Boys by so much that he's a conspiracy theory.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I mean..........they arent WRONG but they arent quite right.
Brendan: This is libel.
GDC: They're doing the Men In Black approach to tabloids.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It's probably Black Dragon propaganda.
gellaho: Looks like one of the Tom Swift books stole Moonraker
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Which is cool as FUCK.; Hahahaha MOONSTALKER!
GDC: Are these references to books?
Ozzie: Is this just a list of his prior adventures?
gellaho: Yes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Moonstalker is such a distinctly non-NASA name for a spacecraft
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: CYBORG KICKBOXER
Ozzie: "This guy kicks so much ass that he's a danger to the general public"
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Fire Biker? That's just Ghostrider
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: FIRE BIKER
gellaho: Already read that
LyraV: I remember Cyborg Kickboxer
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It was cool.
LyraV: The cover was very unique
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Going straight to the archives after this cage
gellaho: No shit, Joe
FancyShark: Ahhh, there's the idiot we know
GDC: Cyborg Kickboxer is far lamer than you are imagining.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I am girded for disappointment
FancyShark: The villain in Cyborg Kickboxer was pretty rad tho
gellaho: Thanks, National Enquirer!
FancyShark: hahahaha
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: YES FRANK AND JOE PLOT A KIDNAPPING!
FancyShark: "Let's kidnap someone, brother"
Brendan: This quantum physicist's student dabbled in wetware engineering
GDC: The Hardy's are planning a counter kidnapping
Brendan: I dunno, sounds like he has a pretty sweet exoskeleton.
gellaho: "Corporate Card" means Fenton's card
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "We shall steal the boy in his sleep. Ever so softly, brother."
Brendan: This is turning into a Coen Brothers plot.; Someone's going to die due to stupidity.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Any second now a catalog case full of money is going to enter the picture
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Wait, I thought this was a team-up?; (Of course I haven't really been following along...)
FancyShark: I hope it's Tom Swift
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I assume its like one of those comic book team ups where they have to have a comical misunderstanding first.
gellaho: Better than a hard hand up the wazoo
FancyShark: @Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷 , you should always remember that no team up happens in a crossover without the heroes first inexplicably trying to kill each other
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Ohhhh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Gotta test their power levels first
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Like Naruto
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's like an exhibition ma— actually you know what, it's way more like Naruto
Ozzie: This was 1992, I'm pretty sure you could still buy airplane tickets in cash under a fake name to fly domestic
gellaho: Time for some phone phreakin'
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I mean, even fucking Orochimaru teamed up with them in the end and I'll shut up now 😅
FancyShark: "Swift has cyborgs and death rays. But we have an explosion curse and a trail of dead girlfriends."
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: That hard hand squeezing Franks heart isnt grief or apprehension, its cholesterol.
LyraV: They do this often enough to have earned thousands in frequent flyer miles just rescuing their father.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It could be Star Platinum stilling his heart rate so Dio will drop his guard. You don't know
gellaho: Unfortunately, Professor Drake finds them. Fortunately, Joe is dressed
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: If Frank had a stand it would be Ham Sandwich.
FancyShark: Frank didn't have this planned. He just hates seeing Joe's skin
Brendan: If they thought this would happen why were they even in the room.
gellaho: JOE SMASH
Ozzie: Everyone they encounter has hired goons, have they considered also hiring a goon?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: HARDY KARATE FIGHT!
Ozzie: I don't know what kind of overheard they have but it might be worth the money.
FancyShark: Chet is less "goon" than "hero friend"
Brendan: They make their own goons out of Joe and hate for savings and health.
gellaho: This is some horseshit, Joe should have been incapacitated by now
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahah Joe doing what I wish every hero would do in the middle of a villain monologue
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also they get in death duels with international kung fu killers so they really dont need goons.
FancyShark: Fuck yes!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah, this is a different writer. They actually believe in the Hardies' capabilities and try to make us believe in them too
FancyShark: The writer lost the notes and made Joe a competent fighter!
gellaho: I don't care for it
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Joe is going to get a real SHOCK when Drake shows him what he can do.
gellaho: At least he gets electrocuted
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
GDC: Joe hasn't even suffered a head injury yet. This ghost writer hasn't done his homework.
gellaho: The fuck you mean, "just as I thought"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Elementary
FancyShark: hahaha, Frank, you asshole
LyraV: Joe hasn't been garroted even once yet
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: joe got electrocuted like my nephew trying to flirt.
GDC: That wasn't very good protection if he was defeated by a lamp.
gellaho: And the fuck you mean, "obviously," you ancient man?
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fucking Doombots, man
FancyShark: My favorite part of this is imagining someone reading this as their first encounter with Tom Swift or the Hardy Boys. They'd read so many of the individual series and wonder what happened
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah now show him Rainbow Road, Frank.; Just melt that old mans brain with colors and lights.
Brendan: Reisenbach is getting the future he wanted, but it had to time travel backwards to meet him at the present.
gellaho: And Joe doesn't even get caught in the explosion?
gellaho: The fuck are you doing, ghostwriter
FancyShark: Okay, yeah, that's too far
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: ROBO BOMB!; Sweet.
GDC: They just realized that robots have computers in them
gellaho: And Frank leaves a man to burn to death
FancyShark: If they use the virus from that book in this story, I will overlook the lack of head trauma on Joe
gellaho: And is all bought into the tabloid story
gellaho: It's why they explode
GDC: Which, given their vast wealth, should be easy.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Goon lives dont matter to the Hardys, we knew this going in.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They get eaten for meter energy that goes into super moves, like the WMAC ninjas
gellaho: Is that not a thing hikers are known for?
FancyShark: "I cracked a window"
Brendan: Why didn't they just send the robot by itself with a gunbomb
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Mountainous Backcountry is a fake name I made up for myself when I needed a new Gmail for scamming another free trial week of Hulu
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hikers carry shitty binoculars but expensive night vision goggles. For night peepin'.
Brendan: Like why the thug if there was going to be a superstrong bot with an onboard tactical explosive.
gellaho: "I also didn't mean to overhear exactly how the author described my speech"
gellaho: Probably because they want the professor
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: You have to keep a certain number of people on your payroll or else the IRS gets suspicious
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Double doublecross on the goon maybe?
Brendan: This book is so rad Predator's ending is just its 40-minute mark.
gellaho: Hard to get the professor's knowledge if he's been explodinated
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Nonsense. Just put his brain back together like a jigsaw puzzle
Brendan: If the professor saw our binocular technology he would suffer a nervous breakdown.; To be clear, the Hardys believe the professor is a time traveler but doubt any of Swift's achievements as tabloid fodder?
gellaho: And now they prepare their sniper nest
Brendan: BLOOD GULCH!
FancyShark: They believe Swift is evil because he's rich and a tabloid said he was evil
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: To be fair nine times out of ten they'd be correct
GDC: The swifts own a gigantic multinational corporation the hardys have been previously unaware of.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: To be fair, he is rich and that DOES go a long way toward making someone evil.
gellaho: Their near-constant exposure to explosives gave them the knowledge to recognize these things
FancyShark: To be fair, the Hardys need to be reminded to breathe
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The Swifts are the Sacklers of tech.
LyraV: Yeah that and his icy disregard for all things and utter lack of compassion.
Brendan: This is now the plot of Civil War in reverse.; the Cap movie not the event
gellaho: Joe has seen many secret government setups
gellaho: Weird thing is that's not a joke
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah why do the guards have "minibazookas" and why does Joe say that like we should think they are commonplace?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: First of all I'm pretty sure a minibazooka is just an M72 LAW launcher.
Brendan: Fun-size!
gellaho: Remember that Tom Swift was in this book? Might as well cut over in the middle of a chapter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Second of all they're basically made of cardboard so I could kind of see the argument for them being commonplace.; Harlan would what his what
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Once they get over their immediate suspicion of him, they can bond over their mutual love of vans.
GDC: This ghost writer has a van thing, which is to their credit.; Do we know who this ghost writer is?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The van is the ideal vehicle for both science and espionage.
gellaho: "Are there two fellow teens up there? No, don't be ridiculous"
GDC: Are all their works so van centric?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And you could do worse for a DIY APC.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What is with this author and calling out baldness
LyraV: Thank you I'm glad someone else noticed
gellaho: IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Toms experiment will probably vaporize that mountaintop so its a good thing the Hardys will kidnap him.
LyraV: Why would you refer to a hilltop that way?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Big fan of Night on Bald Mountain.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Like, just leave the hill alone man, it's got enough on its plate as it is
gellaho: Good thing Tom was able to easily construct a new time machine
LyraV: alright you've got me there
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: ooooh purple light this time.; Purple is the color of time.
gellaho: Fuck you, Joe is not "burly"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: If anything he's thick-fleshed.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: YEAH KICK HIS ASS HARDY BOYS!; Beat that nerd.
gellaho: I'm also pretty sure he's younger than you, Tom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Joe in his natural habitat, shoving a dork into the dirt
GDC: Tom woke up in the hospital with three broken ribs and a ruptured kidney.
gellaho: Okay, so Joe could beat the shit out of that guy in a mechanical exosuit, but not Tom fucking Swift?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tom has main character armor
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom.......does the Black Dragon send teen goons after you a lot?
gellaho: "Burly"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I really wanted Tom's thought of "he never expected me to know kickboxing" to be the last thing that went though his head before he got his clock cleaned
GDC: Joe and Frank are giving Tom middle school flashbacks.
gellaho: You know how you punch to push things
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: You do if you're Mario
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah, Karate Frank.
Brendan: Joe beating a robot to death with its own arm tracks.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank is hardended by many death duels with his would be girlfriends kung fu dads.
gellaho: Felt his ankle grasped
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: YES! Throw Tom Swift from Chekhovs Cliff!
Brendan: What'd I say? Coen negligence murder
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: CAST DOWN THE TECHNOCRAT; SMITE HIS RUIN UPON THE MOUNTAINSIDE
gellaho: Sure, this is how Frank talks
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: The ravens and wolves shall feast on his flesh and send his spirit wandering the earth for all time.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The dark haired guy's grim look waver
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Cmooooooooon punch first and talk later, Frank. he's using his wily capitalist tricks to confuse you.
LyraV: Yeah like we, the reader, know that they're Frank and Joe you can just say that
gellaho: Why are they talking like Brooklyn mooks
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Is it possible that there are two ghostwriters in play here?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its'a us, Frankuigi and Joeio! Spaghett.
GDC: We're finally past the part where the heroes fight before teaming up. That took so long.
gellaho: Then dog pile the old man
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Short fight too. The Hardies would have just murdered him if not for the plot.
GDC: Also judging by the lack of reaction emotes I assume we've lost Shark.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They'll catch up, I'm sure
Brendan: Shocking lack of babes inexplicably attracted to the Hardys here
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Time travel is Man's Work
Brendan: Maybe 17th C dirndl blonde will admire Frank having all his teeth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: i assume Tom's sister will show up.
gellaho: Oh, Xavier Mace. Welcome back
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This is why everyone involved in STEM should have a .38 and execute anyone who snoops or is named something like "Xavier".
LyraV: NOOO not Xavier Mace! Although I am less than surprised to see he's been lurking.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Time crime is everyones problem, ERNST.
gellaho: "Ah, only back in time. You are but a pup"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh because going back in time wouldn't screw anything up, of course.; Who cares if that information leaks
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah get styled on Tom. you fucking FOOL. You utter RUBE, with your time machine that only goes into the past.
LyraV: You know I just left a bunch of it lying around and never tried to use it better mankind or anything.
gellaho: Frank must be having some kind of personality split based on how much his speech changes moment to moment
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Nazi superscience SNEERS at the boundary between past and future!; SNEERS, I tell you!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank is just trying to seem sophisticated for the STEM nerds.
Brendan: Forward seems easier
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: When I'm put under stress I mostly emit tears.
Brendan: Like just create a mass bubble.
gellaho: Have you tried a different type of shampoo?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It's called "waiting".
gellaho: Aha hahaha haha hahaha hahaha haha haha haha
LyraV: Earlier it was a time train chugging along
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: God stop reading newspapers and INVENT A TIME VAN GODDAMMIT!
LyraV: He puts out a whole magazine just to slag off Swift, those poor writers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Not really hiding their connection to the notorious criminal syndicate, are they
Brendan: They were ready to KILL because Dr. Doom Mace's private WWN told them to,
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: You have to rescue Fenton from the late Cretacious before the Star Spawn eat his liver.
GDC: Amateur move for the secret evil organization to use their real name in the byline.
gellaho: The Black Dragon has elevated his media empire to video tapes directly to the president
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah, they don't call it Murdoch News.
Brendan: JET FIGHTER
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Dragon News is the kind of name a Neo Nazi would think is cool.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They sent him a copy via fucking harrier jet?; What, was the rocket sled team busy?
gellaho: Those are two very different images, ghostwriter
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: instead I'm picturing Peter Cushing.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
gellaho: Your primitive Star Wars technology
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha oh man. That was a real thing and the government actually called it that.; Not a fun fact or anything, I just thought about that again
gellaho: What a natural phrase
gellaho
gellaho: Goddammit, I forgot
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Advisement
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Unfortunately for you Xavier, the US isnt smart enough to negotiate with time terrorists.; "Blow up that fuckin city, fuck you. We have more, and it was probably filled with poor people anyway." George Bush-1992.
gellaho: Put the title in italics, so they get it
gellaho
gellaho: Fuck
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: What's wrong with "advice," Mr. 50 ¢ words?
Brendan: oh my god, Mace did 9/11
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: No. No, it's the same meaning, kids. You didn't actually say anything there
Brendan: New president, doesn't believe the threat...BOOM
LyraV: I guess deep down we all knew.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: A second time rod has hit the World Trade Center.
gellaho: You know how weak the fundamental aspects of the universe are
GDC: Fuck, I got distracted and missed the villain monologue.
gellaho: I'm constantly falling through the Earth like a glitched videogame
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They hold up fine until they doesn't
Brendan: To send the box back in time on the president's desk, doesn't he have to go back/forward to when the White House isn't there and construct a machine?; Or does this thing also teleport?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He sends a Terminator back to build the White House and then just hide in the walls, waiting
gellaho: "Oh, but it was just a widdle bit of time twavel"
GDC: This ghost writer focused on vans this book. Time travel mechanics are a big ask on top of that.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Well you see, experimenting with all those POWs meant it was better if I hid out 9in the future.......wait fuck nevermind."
gellaho: MUST CONSUME
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fucking Richie Rich over here with his supper table.; Call it a dinner table like everyone else!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Now the Hardys can see how the other half live. Tom will give them a share of his food pills.
gellaho: Oh, Sandra's fucking dead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh RIP Sandra.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Holy shit, somebody called the sister showing up to crush on Joe
gellaho: So dead
Brendan: Joe's a real LADIES MAN, if you know what I mean: painted in the exploded viscera of all his ladies.
gellaho: This is 1992, so Vanessa may have already been introduced; I think she must have been
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He carries part of whats her name with him wherever he goes. By that I mean he has bone shrapnel embedded in him.
Brendan: Joe's gonna drop an explosive time rod inside an existing space.
LyraV: Hot
Brendan: The long con is for Tom Sr. to pay Joe to leave.; It's not safe for Joe to date in a mansion that's 40% computer lab.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Joe Hardy will be an excellent son in law chimp for Tom Sr.s Experiments.
gellaho: They are?
gellaho: Oh, right, the President; They spent five pages bullshitting about the nature of time travel, so I forgot
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah because the President has iridium money laying around.
gellaho: Dundundun
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Gasppp
Brendan: These guys just took a job tracking an academic and now the President has given them cart blanche to stop a time terrorist from blowing up Los Angeles.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuckin Vikings in exosuits with laser rifles better come out of that warp.
Brendan: It's been 11 hours!
gellaho: Just an eyebrow raise, Frank?
gellaho: Not, "what the fuck are you talking about"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Well, a reflective shield raise too, to be fair
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or "Does this happen often?"
gellaho: Ah, so here's where Sandra eats it
LyraV: The moment she touched his hand we all knew
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Just think, somewhere right now Nancy Drew is trying to explain how vampires arent real to her friends or something.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Y'know, I started trying to read the Hardy Boys Book Cage archives and had to skip to another category.
gellaho: The prone body of a robot
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: There's a lot of girlfriend fringing, I understand
gellaho: Huge mistake
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I feel like hitting anything with a fire extinguisher would knock it over, fellas; I feel like it doesn't take a genius to assume that would be the cause and effect there
LyraV: Sandra is programmed for like 3 responses
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Sandra is so turned on she is gonna start sliding down the halls and twist an ankle if shes not careful.
gellaho: Make sure you give your robots a big beefy arm and a teeny-weenie arm
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: That way they can open jars efficiently.
gellaho: I would say this was taken from Jurassic Park. But this came out first
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Joe is just showing off for Sandra now.
LyraV: He's just happy she's not dead yet
gellaho: Sandra has embraced the Joe lifestyle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: -"Alive AND still talking to me, its your lucky day, Joe Hardy!" he thought to himself.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "It's a monster! Let's get out of here!"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And now its Joes turn to be turned on.
gellaho: Black Dragon sent his weeniest troops
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: yeah you dont send your elite troops to assault the good guys compound. Its rule 1 of villainy.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Shame they didn't send the one equipped with the robot Stone Cold stunner
GDC: You can just say EMP. We All know what that is.
FancyShark: It's rock salt
gellaho: Alright, so Joe has a metal pole
gellaho: And Frank has a keyboard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And an unclosed sentence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank Hardy, Keyboard Warrior
gellaho: Little fuck up by the cover artist
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh man he was like two inches away from getting his head lasered off there.
gellaho: Plus that robot had two arms of the same size; All sorts of mistakes, Mr Unpronouncable
gellaho: Get it together, Kuk
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I guess sometimes you illustrate for the book you want it to be and not the book you know it is.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Romas "Krazy Kook" Kukalis
Brendan: That's the most Greek name I've ever not recognized as a Greek name.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: His mother was Scooby Doo's daughter.
gellaho: You know how hard it is to operate a keyboard and a laser
gellaho: Constant vomiting in time travel
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom. Maybe you just really need to poop?; Because why would you feel time travel as a physical sensation, Tom?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Little chunks of barf traveling forever through the time stream, like bits of Thanos' brain and an entire brainwashed Juggernaut
gellaho: And now people are being vaporized
LyraV: been ambushed by a migraine so I have to catch the end later, keep up those based riffs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Aww hope you feel better quickly.
gellaho: You know how the universe reacts as one thing to stuff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: So if this chapter doesnt end with Frank, Joe, and Tom floating in a void, do we get our money back?; Or is the universe's warranty expired?
gellaho: Well, it ends with the professor being fucking dead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I mean you dont KNOW.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Didn't know nature law crimes were punished on a "closest proximity" basis
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He could have decided the 60s sucked ass and were full of hippies and went to 2099.
gellaho: Despite their labs being blown to shit, they fix all their limitations in two days
gellaho: Okay, I know Orb ate shit in that book
gellaho: And Joe would not understand magnets
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Orb Mk II?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's Orbin time
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hopefully he upgraded the firewall on ol Orb or something because tlast time Orb was a round ass traitor bot.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It'll be fine, just finger Orb with a screwdriver again if he starts getting uppity
gellaho: "It's a war. But not one the government has any involvement or interest in for some reason"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: TIIIIIME WARRRRR
FancyShark: Tom, people just died
gellaho: Good to see robo-Frank finally make an appearance
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Yeah uh....Tom? Maybe dont tease my brother about how your sister might like him, we kinda.......lets say we are having some real issues keeping Joe's lady friends among the living?"
gellaho: Or, you know, all the other dead people
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "He still has a piece of her tooth that got embedded in a chunk of car, he sleeps with it under his pillow."; "I think its part of the steering wheel but nobody can say for sure."
gellaho: Hey, he's only encountered one Iola clone at this point in time
GDC: "haha, my sister wants to bone you and all your love interests die"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Every night he has to fight off the Tooth Fairy to keep it there.
gellaho: The second comes next year; "Oh, shit, dad. We've been wasting time"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Huh I had.........I really hadnt considered you two might be spies but now I'm........uhhhhh nevermind, who wants hoagies?!"
gellaho: Hey, it's a reference to the Phoenix Equation trilogy
gellaho: Fenton's wacky pranks
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Schrodinger's Fenton is neither alive nor dead until directly observed
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Yeah just a while ago we had to watch poachers machine gun a herd of elephants to death and we thought our dad had blown up. And that one girl liked Joe and fell out of the narrative completely. So she might as well be dead."
gellaho: And now: a dweeb
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Another time I had to fistfight a hot girls dad in Europe."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha this dude just showed up and he's already about to cry; What a loser
gellaho: Dalton Barnes
gellaho: Very private
FancyShark: Conservatively dressed! It has to be the same writer!
Brendan: There wasn't an iola of her left.
gellaho: I wonder who couldst have put such a letter in the bank
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Dumont went into industrial chemicals, Cranston became a famous actor in a series about meth, and Clarkson launched a music career so now its just this dweeb.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
gellaho: gasp
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Ah the old "Letter held in trust" scheme.
FancyShark: The issue is a napkin drawing of a dick
GDC: Fenton Back to the future 3'd his kids
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Oh god this magazine has some really racist fiction! Why did this note tell us to buy this?!"
gellaho: Fenton just thought they'd really like a short story
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "That's not even how you spell "show", this magazine sucks."
FancyShark: The only copy they can find has been photoshopped into an issue of Man Comics
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This whole story is an Unlikely Tale, amirite
gellaho: Numerous specialty magazine shops? There's not only one, but multiple?
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Hit up every Hudson News in the airport AND the mall.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah yeah right, 1992 was loaded with magazines from 1932.
gellaho: Oh, I'm fully aware
FancyShark: "Also because they came free in cartons of orange juice"
gellaho: Wakka wakka
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And that was how 1992 kids got educated on the history of print.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: "Just like this book we're in!"; "... Wait, what?"
gellaho: I feel like this book has been directed at me and I don't like it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Joe fumbles it with his big dumb mitts and the last ever copy of Action Comics #1 is lost forever
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha this is the book where Hardy Boys books become canon to their own universe.
FancyShark: @gellaho is self-conscious about his gladiator cosplay
gellaho: Did somebody get access to the book cage
gellaho: I have so many shirtlike garments; Or, shirts
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The schlock is coming from inside the cage!! 😱
FancyShark: Check the tape! Is the tape secured?!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Toms dad acting like 30s people didnt have porn.
gellaho: Shit, Fenton is Simon Hawke
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fuck. Yes.
FancyShark: Holy Shit!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hell yeah it was.
WikiFeet Ramb$ne: 30's porn: the idea that women have to disrobe somewhat to go to the bathroom
FancyShark: @cake boi jakesy ! New lore!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Into the Hawke-Verse
FancyShark: @Brendan ! Fenton is Simon Hawke!
gellaho: I guess I was correct in making Con Riley Steele
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The Multicage of Madness
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He got paid like three whole dollars for that story.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Enough to retire on back then
FancyShark: It's all connected, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan
cake boi jakesy: Timewars: Hardy???
FancyShark: I swear to god though, if that star whale shows up, we riot
gellaho: Superaccurate clock
FancyShark: Eat shit, regular clock owners
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's super accurate you guys. Stop laughing
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Atomic clocks are cool but only if you call them atomic clocks.
Brendan: Fenton has way better adventures than his sons.; They dodge bullets, he fakes his death and travels back in time.
gellaho: Oh, no! They don't have enough warp detectors! What are they going to do!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: How will they ever detect the warp?!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its a race against time AND fate!
gellaho: Only one choice, really; Dinosaurs.
Brendan: PARADOX ALERT
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: HELL YES IT IS!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
FancyShark: Somehow a butterfly in the Cretaceous period senses Joe's foot in its future
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fucking; This book is a masterpiece
gellaho: And, of course, we'll find out all about that; Next week
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What a perfect cliffhanger
Brendan: Epic.; In the most literal sense.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah its coming true:
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What a perfect book; What a cage! What a team! What a 2023!
FancyShark: Aw man. I'm sorry I missed so much of this tonight.; And that I'll be missing at least part of it next week because I'll be flying to Vegas
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I missed most of it.; One of these Fridays I'll be home alone or something and play along the whole time.; Like when my kid is in college or something.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It happens sooner than you'd like.
Brendan: In a harrier with an urgent message!
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: Yeah I'm not in a rush.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: On the bright side there's an entire half of book we haven't gotten to yet!
gellaho: Only got ninety pages left, possibly need to throw in a weird Hardy Manga at the end; Until then, this has been the 90th Edition of the Book Cage
GDC: Thanks everyone. This book was better than it had any right to be.
FancyShark: Thank you, @gellaho !; Great work, everyone!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This one ruled pretty hard, thanks @gellaho
gellaho: May all of your time machines be bidirectional
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This book fucking ruled. Thanks again @gellaho !
FancyShark: Have a good night, everybody!
gellaho: The Book Cage Episode 90.5 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller ™️: Time Bomb; It's a time travelling adventure with Frank, Joe, and Tom. Fenton Hardy has travelled back to the past and become a shlock sci-fi writer in Unlikely Tales in order to communicate with his sons. Is this book itself someone in my life attempting to communicate with me? Seems like it. So join me for part 2, where the boys will travel 65 million years in the past to find elements for time machine detectors. Which I guess means they've left their father to die? Anyway Friday, 5pm eastern, as always.
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Eh, Fenton's been around the block, he'll be fine
gellaho: A little under an hour until A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller ™️ Time Bomb. If you forgot what happened last time, well
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Time scams!
FancyShark: Not since Mass Effect has there been such a dire need for iridium
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Have they tried probing Uranus
FancyShark: Many times. It's tapped out
gellaho: Time to resume the process
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: TIIIIIME WARRRR
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Sick electric guitar riffs
gellaho: "Don't look at me like I'm crazy for saying the best way to get iridium is 65 million years ago"
gellaho: "How dare you question me!"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The dinosaur layer! Of course!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This is just a really convoluted plan on Toms part to get a pet raptor.; Just a feathery little murder chicken to be his best friend.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He could build his own and it'd probably be safer
gellaho: Ah, so now the plan is to go right before the extinction event
gellaho: What a brilliant boy
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "It's okay, we'll pull our shirts over our mouths to block out the poison cloud"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: uhhhhhh.........Tom? If you dont go right AFTER the event......is there going to be any iridium? I see some flaws with this idea aside from the obvious threats to the nature of causality.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Dude really wants to save that raptor
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also since its just sitting there as dust how are you gonna collect it?
gellaho: Well, I guess eventually I was going to come across the worst plan of all time
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "GAWD DAD, YOU NEVER GIVE ME ENOUGH CREDIT FOR MY MAD SCIENCE IDEAS!"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Risking certain death on the off chance that he can find a chunk of superheated irradiated shit before all of planet earth gets wiped off the map by history is a very comic book plan
gellaho: This killed most of the dinosaurs, but we'll be fine; We'll only be close enough for debris; If only they had some way to get more time
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Everybody put on your sunblock and your power armor!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its only giant burning space rocks falling from the sky, what could go wrong?
gellaho: Like some kind of machine; For time; A chronogizmo
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The stuff of science fantasy, i tells ya
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: One of the robots heard "crash production" and started printing thousands of copies of Crash Bandicoot.
gellaho: "Sounds impressive," said Frank of the nuclear jet monster truck
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: To be fair if the crazy man told me his nuke car could fly I would smile and say placating things while I looked for an exit too
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank himself is a miracle of technology so its hard to get him excited.
gellaho: I rarely agree with Joe about anything
gellaho: But this is the correct response
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He found his truffle, finally.
gellaho: I would call this personality more of a downgrade
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Frank is smitten.
gellaho: You know, science stuff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Just sitting inside it gives you six kinds of cancer because Tom didnt think to install or mention the unshielded reactor.
gellaho: They say the asteroid hit the Gulf of Mexico, so where are they planning to go?; That's right, Mexico
gellaho: I'm beginning to think this is just a very elaborate suicide
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom believes in the funeral customs of Egypt so he's decided to take Frank and Joe along with him as lackeys in the afterlife.; When they arrive the TANC will unfold into an elaborate tech ziggurat.
gellaho: Actually, he's just going with his robot
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Which is a pyramid but with style.
gellaho: Which is complete horseshit; Gimme them boys fighting dinosaurs; In fact, leave Tom behind
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: WHAT THE FUCK GHOSTWRITER! You are passing on Hardy Boys vs the Tyrant Lizard?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This is so transparently Back to the Future I'm expecting Doc Brown to show up
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Never meet your heroes
gellaho: "It was as if a clown was making a balloon animal with the universe"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: BOOOOOO Frank and Joe need to be here!; Whats even the point if they cant accidentally swap teeth during chronorematerialization?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A TOM SWIFT ADVENTURE and the hardy boys are there too I guess
gellaho: This time machine sucks
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hope you went to the bathroom before you got in, fucker!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fucking..........what? It takes subjective time to time travel?! The fuck kind of relativistic bullshit is this?!
gellaho: Don't worry, space-travel mode comes with a toilet
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: So Tom is just gonna play checkers with his fuckin robot for two days while we read about it.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tom and Rob were thoroughly compacted within the grinding machine parts of the TANC as it reshuffled its shape
gellaho: How big does this ghostwriter think pickups are
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Toms dad sure has balls contradicting his son when his son has created a TRANSFORMING NUCLEAR VAN that is capable of space travel and time travel.
LyraV: Did I miss much?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nope, Tom is going back in time and has left Frank and Joe in the present.; Because we cant have nice things.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: His nuclear transformer van is bigger on the inside
gellaho: Thanks for this vital information, ghostwriter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I think the old ghostwriter might have bust in and murdered the cool new one
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Im already too out of it to even fact check the ghost writers science bullshit.
gellaho: Earlier, Tom Swift said that any time travel is possibly detrimental to the universe
gellaho
GDC: I'm not going to be around for this, and I am regretting it.
LyraV: Tom well known for his knowledge of plants?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Like I feel so betrayed by Frank and Joe not getting to ride an ankylosaurus.
gellaho: So, what's the first thing Tom Swift does when he lands in the past?
LyraV: talks down to someone
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Starts irradiating the burrows of small mammals.
gellaho: Sends out twenty robots to randomly time travel
gellaho: "Time travel is dangerous"; "Let me just shotgun blast out twenty time travelers"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its........kind of funny how they are doing something that may unravel the universe just to keep whats his name from being Shadow President.
gellaho: And then, three more times
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or timeploding a city, just like...... i dunno, risk\reward calculus seems off.
gellaho: "Better be careful about time travelling"
Brendan: It's very simple. They can only move one foot per mile and one second per eight million days.
gellaho: 100 TIME TRAVELS LATER
LyraV: That's...that's a bad plan Tom; Like I would have maybe preferred you just talk down to people
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jesus Christ, Tom. You're going to be the reason the Nazis win the war.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah uh Tom? I think chronoporting into the blast zone of a planet killer asteroid is dumb.
gellaho: This magic science vehicle still needs a runway though
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Is this where Tom meets the Angel of Death come to harvest the souls of the dinosaurs for their sinful ways?
gellaho: The future town of Chicxulub
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tom's in for a big surprise when he finds out the meteor which killed the dinosaurs was the Black Marker.
gellaho: Are you sure no course deviation required, Rob?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: We should be getting this and we arent and fuck this.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha this dipshit is playing chicken with an Armageddon asteroid.
FancyShark: Same
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man earlier I thought "Hey maybe he will do a time Armageddon and go mine the asteroid as it comes down. Nah thats kind of too awesome." and I wish it was happening.
LyraV: He's something...hmm what's that word? Starts with an N and ryhmes with 'larp statistic'; narcissistic that's it
gellaho: And one more time warp for good measure
Brendan: Frank buries a pistol in a sandwich bag right under the spot where he'll park his car in 65 million years, in case anyone comes for him.
Brendan: Ah dammit I need to reread Atomic Robo now.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift is responsible for the chrono-impoverishment of Appalachia.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah you do!
gellaho: Cut to: Frank watching the asteroid hit. Is this footage from one of the robots?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He was responsible for the regular impoverishment of Appalachia too, lest we forget; Live Frank Reaction
Brendan: Tom Swift: Backards Booger Men sympathizer
gellaho: No, it's a simulation
FancyShark: So it's not, in fact, "just a jump to the left"
Brendan: Tom had 52 hours to kill so he mocked up what he was a day away from recording.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh cool, for a second I thought Tom had casually invented a TV set that could get signals from the past or future and the book might be weird.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh good, Tom left them a screensaver to watch in his absence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Its really just the 3D pipe one from Windows 2
gellaho: Apparently the Hardy Boys solved some kind of federal library crime without knowing it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: That one ruled
FancyShark: "Weird how much of this plan appears to involve Tom being praised by historical figures."; "I think he took some liberties with the sim"
Brendan: He has probes! It was right there for chronobroadcasting
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Look, we catch alot of thieves, library and otherwise. You have to be more specific."
gellaho: Old magazines!?!? That bastard!
FancyShark: Tom steps on a bug and Iola is caught in a looped explosion
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It turns out its just old copies of Dragon Magazine, because Howard is a legacy D&D fan.; The rare books? The Deities and Demigods handbook with the Cthulhu mythos material, and the Monster Manual with the original cover.
LyraV: Zemen knows THE Mace Windu?! dope.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Arrested for Oriental Adventures crimes
gellaho: Just say he reminds him of The Gray Man, what are you being coy about
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: A..........dangerous operative? He steals fucking magazines.
FancyShark: You can't infringe on the copyright of the series you have the rights to!
gellaho: That's only something I, a thirty year old thirty years in the future, will know or care about
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Cmon Frank, I know you're bored because you didnt get to fight a terror bird, but you need to stop fantasizing right now.
gellaho: He's talking about The Gray Man being an operative for The Network. Being needlessly vague like this causes these kinds of misunderstandings
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Frank really thinks he could take Gray Man in a fight when the reality is G man would just plug him with a 45 before he even knew he was in the room
gellaho: Oh, good, this book came out in August; If it came out in June I'd swear someone was after me
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I think Frank and Joe have causal armor, like guns just stop working properly when they are used against them.
gellaho: Can't have me and this book being the same age
LyraV: Garrotes break unexpectedly
FancyShark: Marksmen suddenly miss
gellaho: YOU'LL GO TO PRISON FOR YOUR TEN DOLLAR WORDS
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh yeah thats how they get you. You cant buy a book that is the exact age you are, you'll die of mysterious causes and your soul will be trapped in the pages and eaten slowly by silverfish.
FancyShark: That's why I buy a book the same age as each new friend I meet.
gellaho: Look, there was a book in here called "War Through Time" I am not taking any chances
Brendan: Funny that you would know the word for the thing we found hundreds of in your house. MIGHTY suspicious, even...
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Taking chances with time books is how your children blink out of existence.
FancyShark: Or get cool eye patches
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So maybe do take a chance on time books?
FancyShark: But eye patches!
gellaho: ONLY I TRULY UNDERSTAND BOOKS
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Look at it this way, either your kids get way cooler or they're no longer your problem. Win-win either way
FancyShark: Hoo boy. That's what gellaho's going to scream when they finally drag him away from his book cage
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: When a person takes "bibliophile" too literally you get a Howard Zeman.
FancyShark: hahaha, hell yes on the new title @gellaho
gellaho: Seems like a thing someone obsessed with old books would do. Just throw em in the mail
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Charitable that you think there will be much left to drag away from the twisted conglomeration of metal, paper, and meat.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "The address was an address. He recited the address. I as the author can't be assed to come up with a fake address."
gellaho: This is tatterdemalion all over again
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Ghost writer didnt pay ten dollars for that dictionary\thesaurus for nothing.
FancyShark: If you like incunabula; And getting caught in the rain
LyraV: Yeah but it's not nearly as exciting to say 'baseball cards' over and over to sound cool
gellaho: YES
gellaho: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fenton chooses a method of communication that he knew his boys would pick up on immediately.
gellaho: Better moisten those lips, Frank
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I too wish to communicate with my sons across the gulfs of time via Frazetta-esque magazine covers.
gellaho: Black Dragon is on a Fenton hunt
gellaho: How and why?; Stop asking questions
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Black Dragon owns all magazines and thus is hyper sensitive to time tampering
gellaho: Oh, hell yes, the boys are going to steal some time machines
gellaho: Suck it, Swift
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh I figured they could know when he chronoported to and just needed a more specific clue to track him down and just like old magazines.; Hahahaha please let Joe seduce Sandra into giving them access to a time machine.
gellaho: "We might never get another shot at a time machine"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I want Tom to get back and find his science dome overrun by raptors and time clones of Fenton Hardy.
Brendan: Zeman howled in his manacles. "Unhand my Book-Wife!" Frank and Joe grimaced as the fertility sculpture burned, and the incunabula paper mache comprising her took all their info with it.
gellaho: How, exactly, is a building "low-slung"
FancyShark: Means basement
Brendan: These are teenage boys, and they're not using this time machine to go plow history's sexiest sexsters.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: When its hanging from a larger, inverted L shaped building.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Who needs real women when you've got Frazetta frescoes of brass bikinis
FancyShark: History would be replaced by a series of explosions
gellaho: Brilliant detectives
Brendan: They could go back to Hyboria!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's not already?
FancyShark: Joe's curse would explode Hyboria!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: How easy it would be to crush ass as a futureperson? Like you are physically more fit, smell better, better educated, and have a sack with assorted bottles of spices.
Brendan: 6' tall and have all your teeth, you could sell yourself as Apollo.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Then they call you a witch and murder you for being too clean
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Nobody else would get any until you fucked off to someplace else.
gellaho: Crom would tremble before the might of Joe
FancyShark: The Riddle of Hardy
gellaho: Fancy VCR
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hang on. How do we know it's not Joe's skeleton in that tomb where Conan found his sword
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh man I want a Hardy Boys vs Thoth Amon.
gellaho: I've already solved The Riddle of Steele
FancyShark: Did the skull break?
gellaho: It's the human penis
gellaho: Because Joe can't die, duh
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh of course, my mistake
gellaho: Anyway, back to this idiot
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
FancyShark: The best part about crossovers is when the respective properties do not interact
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuckin Rob.
gellaho: Picture the carcasses, children!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Hey, kids. Imagine your favorite dinosaurs. Now imagine them dying in a drift of radioactive ash."
gellaho: Why are you crying, kids?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Their flesh and bones picked by the scavenging mammals that will eventually evolve into primates."
FancyShark: Remember, kids: it's like We're Back, except this is what happened to all their friends the scientist abandoned!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Jesus Christ, ghostwriter.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Clutches faded copy of Dinotopia and sobs
LyraV: Tom felt nothing as usual.
Brendan: They pinpoint the exact time the dinosaurs died and all anyone can think is "Mr. President, you shall name ME your eminence gris!"; The sci-fi in this book is so high above the qualities we're used to around here.
gellaho: Why are you crying? Isn't it fun?
FancyShark: Littlefoot has a distended belly! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, CHILDREN?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fucking hell, put them out of their misery, Tom! They shoot horses too, don't they?!
gellaho: I'm sure the people in the future we'll be very appreciative of that fun fact when they've been given over to a despot obsessed with Tom Swift's mother
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Still not as traumatic as that part of Fantasia that had a battle between a stegosaur and a Rex.
FancyShark: 🫂
gellaho: And now: some strange similes about the sun
Brendan: The Land Before Time but After Hope
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: That part was upsetting, I much preferred Night on Bald Mountain or that part where that alligator clearly wants to fuck that hippo ballerina.
gellaho: No shit
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom is such a dipshit for a genius.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "Uhhhh, so THAT happened!"
gellaho: The magic machine can also drill
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Who's benefit is he even being a wiseass for in this scene, ghostwriter? Rob is a robot, he doesnt appreciate it.
FancyShark: On the way home, Tom visits the Trail of Tears, Nanking, and the Tickle Me Elmo holiday season
LyraV: I keep seeing TANC as TALC
gellaho: Tom loading up
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Steals Beanie Baby stock so his remaining collection rises in value.
FancyShark: Groovy
gellaho: Ah, it's the TASER
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh kick ass, lightning shotgun?!
FancyShark: Hell yes. Lightning shotty
gellaho
LyraV: Someone tell Big Lenny about the electric rifle.
FancyShark: Tom's gonna Borderlands this bitch
gellaho: Loose is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tom Alan Swift's Electric Rifle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom Asshole Swift Electric Rifle
FancyShark: Tom And Some Electric Rifle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom And Sons Electric Rifle.
FancyShark: Tom Arnold's Sweet Electric Rifle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Not to be confused with Tom and Sons Erotic Rifle.
gellaho: Sure, someone else followed him
FancyShark: He must've hid behind the Renaissance
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck you.; Fuck you book.; You better reveal the gunman is Dr. Dinosaur.
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahha sweet.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Did she fucking materialize in like a hologram? How the heck did she get there so fast
FancyShark: Wait, they have holograms
gellaho: What a perfectly natural reaction, Sandra
gellaho: I'm always licking my lips when conflicted
Brendan: She shot them with a SASER.; Nobody expected Sandra to be Black Dragon.
gellaho: It really weirds out the people when I'm ordering at McDonald's
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: These days they think you're doing a Joker impression and just roll their eyes.
gellaho: Vroom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So how long were they time traveling for? Three or four days?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Booo you didnt take Sandra on a time jaunt? Girls love joyriding in time machines, Joe.; No wonder you're still single.
gellaho: Hmmm, is this one of the ones I've read
LyraV: I would be surprised if it's not.
FancyShark: Doesn't sound familiar
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahah they fucking found Eddie Winter
FancyShark: Only New York one I remember is Bad Rap
gellaho: There were at least 60 at this time
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man I want them to visit the Morlocks of the 30s and Frank to be covered in hallucinatory scorpions.
gellaho: I think I'm confusing it with the end of that Phoenix trilogy where they stowed away back to America and pretended to be immigrants being ferried by he bad guys; Things that would already be decades old
Brendan: If you seduce a woman in a year when she's married, technically she's still a virgin back in the present. That's in the Time Bible.
gellaho: What wonders of the past
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I can't wait for these two to get arrested for shitty counterfeiting when they try to buy shit with their Current Year money
LyraV: I'm going to have to miss some because I'm not sure of the schedule out here and don't want to miss feeding the chickens ect before dark, I was warned there are actual mountain lions? so I'm not fucking with that. Be back asap
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh shit, hurry back!
gellaho: Okay, Frank
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Boooo, let your characters get into drama, book!
gellaho: Just like The Black Dragon to send a rough customer
Brendan: It's 1932, just buy like 20 copies of Famous Funnies and rent a bank deposit box for 60 years.
gellaho: Or old Hardy Boys
Brendan: ...oh good lord, that means the first appearance of Ghost Rider is 2023's Famous Funnies.
FancyShark: Who the hell would buy a Hardy Boys book?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: Only a sick fuck; Joe doing all the seduction
FancyShark: Thank god. Joe's backup plan was headbutt
Brendan: If you went back in time and didn't give these people superflu, you would absolutely get slapped for saying something offensive like "How's it hanging?" or "What the heck."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Tom swift ruined the 1930s with all his time travel, now history is woke enough to let women work in comic shops 🤓 😡
gellaho: Them trying out 30s is still more up to date than that book from 1980
FancyShark: Guys, if you have a twenty, I think you can buy a house
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Golly wilikers fellas.
gellaho: Joe Hardy: more responsible with time than boy genius Tom Swift
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Wonder what that kind of wealth feels like 😔; Tom is an INT build and Joe is a WIS build.; It's like the difference between Mr. Fantastic and… uh… people who aren't Mr. Fantastic.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck you are in a bad place when either Hardy boy is more responsible than you.
FancyShark: If you think either of them have a mental stat above 5, you are giving them too much credit
gellaho: TIME UZI
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fucking finally!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom needs an intervention or possibly a Texas Attitude Adjustment.
FancyShark: So much for the timeline
gellaho: 65 million years earlier, in Tennessee
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also........submachine guns were a thing in the 30s lads.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Sixty five million years later, Tennessee will still be a shithole
FancyShark: but with spicy chicken
gellaho: Why even do the TASER bit if he isn't going to use it
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: These nerds think people actually say "psywar" instead of "psychological warfare". Of course they're going to go with the brand name; Tom Asshole Swift Empotent Rage
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom you dingus, did you not bring a bulletproof vest or something?!; Dinosaurs definitely had guns.
Brendan: Chekhov's TASER only has a half-life of 500 pages. After 65 million years it's essentially dust.
gellaho: Hoo boy, that got me good
gellaho: "Call me Steve."
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: How else could the T. rex have made up for its little arms?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man you really disrespect someone by sending a time assasin named Steve.
Brendan: Jurassic Steve
gellaho: "Never thought that a Steve like me would ever hit the big time"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha is this dude from the 30s? Did they pull an assassin time switcheroo?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It would have been so much better if Steve was one of Toms employees who got stranded.
gellaho: Black Dragon sending what has to be millions of assassins into the past
Brendan: Standing 65 million years in the past on the carcass of a triceratops, steeling yourself to murder a child for $400 from a guy who won't be born until the mountains are gravel.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or if the professor from earlier who invented time travel showed up with an eyepatch and mechanical arm and domed Steve.
gellaho: But remember, the time stream is very fragile; Even though it's pretty definitively isn't
FancyShark: Steve-1000
gellaho: Steve out here losing his mind
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "The go back button"
gellaho: Steve out here wanting to kill everyone
gellaho
FancyShark: Steve out here living his own Sound of Thunder
gellaho: The thug named Steve
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Man I cant decide whether Steve is dumber or Mace, because sending an assassin back in time with no way to return is a sure way to make sure your assassin is motivated to NOT do his job.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Fast thinking for Tom is letting a crazy man with a gun cut a whole rambling promo at him
gellaho: And you really want to do that with a ton of dudes too
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: But Steve is not taking into account he is a dingus and maybe cant operate Toms time tankvan without Tom?; But I kind of expect that from a man who calls it the "go back button"
gellaho: No, goddammit, go for the electric rifle
gellaho: It's literally your thing
FancyShark: Dinguses rarely factor their dingosity into anything
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: This is like an episode of GI Joe and nobody is going to get shot.
gellaho: It's the only reason you as a character are at all relevant in the present
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha he's going to smash him with a styrofoam rock like Kirk
gellaho: The heavy crack of Steve's rifle
Ozzie: If only Tom had some sort of rifle of his own.
gellaho: Steve was immediately in the crack
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's almost like dude was supposed to snipe you instead of close the distance and monologue at you
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Yeah he seems the type
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Some kind of firearm, maybe powered by a natural force like gravity or something.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Like, it's a fucking bolt action, dude. He's probably not military trained. Just wait til he's in the middle of a reload and fucking rush him.
gellaho: Big mistake swift Tom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Your only hope is to climb up and eat shit again. Definitely. We're not all watching you ragdoll down the hill and laughing at you. This is the only chance you have for survival.
FancyShark: This is making me miss the ginger psycho from that other Swift book
gellaho: Baby cannon
gellaho: No, I love Steve
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He shot a fucking baby at him dude
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Swift Tom is what they call anonymous premature ejaculators down at the illegal massage parlors.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: S tier goon
gellaho: Just this idiot running around trying to murder a child
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Not even well.
FancyShark: lol, okay, I'm on board too
gellaho: Why are you crying?
Brendan: Tom listened to all this when he could have just nodded and gone back in time a week to snipe Steve upon arrival.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Well he'd have to get in the van to do that
Brendan: This child must murder a man if he wants to escape the land of dying majestic dinosaurs.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He's not Kang the Conqueror, for goodness sake. His powers have limits
Brendan: Tom Swift in the Blighted Earth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: These guys, for reference. Sad and tired, maybe honking like deer.
gellaho: The soft chuckle of Steve
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Little do you know, Steve, Tom Swift outsmarts everyone all the time! Including himself!"
gellaho: How will Tom Swift get out of this one?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Steve will be eaten by a dinosaur by chance.; GIF
gellaho: Well, Steve gets a horrible, mutilating death befitting a supervillian
gellaho: Or, a Steve
Brendan: Gutted him like Jurassic Park had come out last year.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
FancyShark: Steve died as he lived: Steve
Brendan: Time to show Steve...the door
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Before we all got the note that most raptors looked like lizard chickens made of murder.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Rest in power, Steve. We will miss your batshit bumblefuckery
gellaho: This came out first, baby; Rawr
FancyShark: It was an unkind name
gellaho: Is this the end of Tom Swift?
Brendan: Or DID it use a time machine to appear it had?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Another one we found actually probably had feathers.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: This would be the best possible time to jump back to the Hardys
Brendan: Oh dang, that thing will wreck you.
gellaho: It's possible it was in the book first in 1990, but the only thing I remember from that book is how much Michael Crichton clearly hated scientists
gellaho: Zoom zoom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It might be because we've invoked Chrichton but I really hope we get a dino diamond laser before the end of this book; One full bodied bang is about all I'm good for, too, Fenton
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah of course Fenton has like some shitty revolver instead of a Tommy gun.
gellaho: So, if Fenton can survive forty gun shots we'll be good
Brendan: When I carve out enough time I'm going to do a Hot Dog about my writing professor's book. He repeatedly told us Crichton was a very smart man and a smarter writer than he, my professor, who also wrote sci-fi.; Timeline sssssssuuuucked
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Calling it now, he's packing a Colt 45
gellaho: Sick
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Or a 1911A1
gellaho: "I'm immortal"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Huh that is the first time I've ever seen anyone call an Uzi high tech.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: High tech for the time. It's still a couple years before the MP40, after all
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also Joe is correct, bullets have never affected either of them directly.; For all they know bullets are made of marshmallows and everyone else is allergic.
Brendan: even a 1930s gangster declines a Mac-10
gellaho: Frank chokes the man out
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Silent Takedowns are so fucking busted, dude
FancyShark: "I don't think rushing him will lead to oral sex, Frank"; "Shut up, Joe"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh cool, Frank Hardy invented BJJ spontaneously in the 1930s.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Good thing nobody ever goes down the storm drains, that Uzi will be safe and sound exactly where it is
Ozzie: How the fuck do you dropkick the hand of a man wrestling around on the ground?
gellaho: Try and guess what the Battle is for
FancyShark: Ages
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also some sewer dwelling 30s urchin is gonna find that gun and become King of America.; WHAT GUN DID YOU BUY FENTON? Inquiring minds want to know!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Battle of the Dome
FancyShark: A gun
gellaho
FancyShark: Hahaha
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: MICROWAVE WARRRR
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah.
gellaho: The goon does not appreciate this meta humor
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Prof Wilder; Not a professor, that's just his actual first name
Brendan: Microwaves' WHAT?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Yeah like Dr. Doctor Bliss.
gellaho: Boy, that is petty
FancyShark: It's like Battle Bots, but slower paced
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha Fenton's so fucking cool. Trolling the big bad with fucking pulp fiction
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah literary burn from the past, that fucking rules.
Brendan: What an erudite memory this thug has.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Why is Fenton not the main character?
Brendan: Black Dragon is Cobra Commander.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I'd remember a master crafted burn like that too
gellaho: "How dare you not do a better job of killing me, you idiot!"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Oh man, lecturing your own would be assassin is such a power move
gellaho: Fenton threatening this man with The Bubonic Plague
Brendan: I will violate the Geneva Convention if you don't talk and I am answerable to no man. -- Fenton
Ozzie: They sent this goon back to the '30s to invent the Nuremberg Defense ahead of the holocaust?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: You ever get the feeling a series is about the wrong protagonist?
FancyShark: Yes because we read PsyMan
Brendan: I had a couple protagonists take over a story in my time.; "Oh, I guess this is the main character."
gellaho: Really want to make your evil lair in a highly trafficked historical tourist attraction
FancyShark: I hope the evil gift shop is nice
gellaho: Hardys out here planning on taking out The Black Dragon
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: So this underground fort from Revolutionary War times lasted two hundred years of sediment buildup and urban sprawl?
gellaho: While Tom is fucking around with the corpse of Steve
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: ATTACK THROUGH TIIIIIIIIIIME
gellaho: Welcome to the piss room
gellaho: Leaving the goon in the piss room
FancyShark: Mattress makes a terrible guard
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Oh god dad you need to clean your bathroom."; "Bathroom? I sleep here."; "The bathroom is over there." points at rusty bucket; Fenton.......you are assaulting the lair of a high tech villain and you are HOPING you wont need a gun?
gellaho: I think they've got this
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Okay but for just one second, I would like to show appreciation for the ghost writer, he used horde correctly and people tend to not do that anymore.
gellaho: The soft flesh of the neck
FancyShark: "Stay back or I'll write more satire!"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: TIIIIIME BUUUUUUG wait there's no way that would work
gellaho: Uh oh
Ozzie: How the fuck do you threaten someone with an already exploded building?
FancyShark: See, THAT is how to Time Terrorist
Ozzie: If you send it back in time, it will have already happened.
gellaho: Where my own empire will be destroyed by me... wait
FancyShark: "1900...hotdog"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just one million dollars' worth of gold? That's not even enough to run a city.
Ozzie: Is it a million in 1900s money or 1990s money?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Waste management costs alone are going to fucking ruin you, my guy.
gellaho: Nah, that'll never work
bɒW ɘlditƨɘestible Wad: You know. After going through shit like this I don't know how the Hardys could go back to solving cases where someone just gets robbed or killed
gellaho: They've already stopped several international terrorist schemes at this point
FancyShark: They did stop a volcano bomb from annihilating the world
gellaho: At least one hydrogen bomb in Indonesia
Ozzie: The smart play with a time machine and a million dollars of gold in 1900 is to just put it in a swiss bank and then travel back to the present when you're the richest human in history thanks to interest.
gellaho: Anyway, Tom uses chickens and mud to defeat a dinosaur
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I still love that the volcano annihilation bomb was just a fucking footnote in Dead of Night.
bɒW ɘlditƨɘestible Wad: The writers for Supernatural learned how to consistently escalate the stakes from Hardy Boys books
gellaho: Now that I think about it, that might be 1993
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Chickens, leaves and mud can also make a nice way to cook a meal.
FancyShark: And how to keep going long past the point where they should have stopped
gellaho: It was a trilogy like right before it. Never forget that all of Dead of Night is about the trial following that case
gellaho: They should have never stopped writing these; There should be 800
FancyShark: Okay, yeah; But I stand by my criticism of Supernatural
bɒW ɘlditƨɘestible Wad: Can't they farm them out to the same writing sweatshops that produce YA vampire novels,
gellaho: What a mysterious comma
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: We have ai for that now anyway
gellaho: Anyway, the robot's fighting the dinosaur
bɒW ɘlditƨɘestible Wad: Stick an unassuming White person on the inside flap as the "author" and have the books written by undergraduates making less than minimum wage and Creative Writing credits
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah I got my Robot vs Dinosaur.
gellaho: The guy who came up with the Hardy Boys basically invented that; A hundred years ago
bɒW ɘlditƨɘestible Wad: Really? I thought Sandra Brown did
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: And if you think that's bad, just wait til you hear what else they've been using underpaid young people to make; maaaaan
gellaho: They didn't invent metal until the 19th century
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: there was a puzzlement; is the thing
gellaho: Ah, the Barbarian Brothers approach
gellaho
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: No it will probably just go right back to hunting, Rob.; It's an animal, it does that almost nonstop.
gellaho: Pay dirt on the test hole
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom will never realize he could probably have just sent Rob to do this.
gellaho: Tom Swift apparently forgot witnessing Steve getting shred to bits
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: And kicked back with a cup of cocoa with meth in it.
FancyShark: Steve With The Wind
gellaho: Enough to do what now
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "As Tom is my witness, I will never go hungry again!"; "Tom........what the fuck are you talking about?"
gellaho: Scientists are going to be real confused when they find the Steve Bones
FancyShark: "We have found evidence of Steves as far back as the Cretaceous period"
gellaho: Could it have anything to do with all the time travel we and those assassins have been doing?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: They're gonna be even more confused when they find the Steve Rifle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: It will just be chalked up to dinosaurs, they had guns.
gellaho: Well, I guess getting all that iridium was pointless
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Dinosaurs for Hire is science fact. Deal with it, liberals.
FancyShark: Dammit, Swift
FancyShark: Thunderlizards Rule!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Well where the fuck else would it be, the US has only two important cities and they're both on the eastern seaboard
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I mean from Maces point of view timesploding New York makes good sense, and tbh I can see why you'd wanna glass New York.; The endemic rudeness for example.
FancyShark: But the food!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: My cousin!
gellaho: Look at Mr Osama Bin Laden here
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Spider-Man!
gellaho: Speaking of
FancyShark: And save the zoo!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: None of those things will have existed when New York is timesploded.; It stopes existing both in the future AND the past.
FancyShark: And Brendan and Schmitty and Dennard!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: So you wont miss them.; I'm sure the Time Police will evacuate the really important people like Brendan, Schmitty, and Dennard.
gellaho: Suddenly: TIME BLENDER
LyraV: Fuck yeah!!!
FancyShark: oh shiiiiiii
LyraV: Twist suddenly Michael Dorn twist suddenly Nancy drew
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Chubby Checker is a Time Lord!!
gellaho: Some trippy shit for the kids
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah, maybe Tom will use a contained time\gravity anomaly to squash a dude.; Kids love trippy shit.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's why Dr. Strange is literally the only other thing Steve Ditko is remembered for
FancyShark: Tom gets passed by a magic school bus
gellaho: The fuck is happening
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: It's a; TIIIIIIIME BOOOOOMB
gellaho: What do I care about time?
gellaho: Black Dragon going somewhere without time, apparently
FancyShark: And he's eaten by a langolier
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
gellaho: RIP Fenton
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: He's going to his ranch in the back hills of Montana, where time isnt naturally occurring. You have to ship time in by train.
FancyShark: oh shit
gellaho: RIP Frank
LyraV: Things went sideways quick
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: FRANKS LOVE FOR FENTON IS LIKE A TRUCK!
FancyShark: Oh shit!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Good crossovers mean the characters I don't like all die, right
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah the Black Dragon kind of rules.
gellaho: Of course, Joe the Immortal cannot die
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Too bad his nemesis is fucking Tom Swift, Dipshit Genius.
FancyShark: I mean, Tom's obviously going to undo this, but still; Hardcore
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "My future awaits me in the past"
FancyShark: This is some Infinity War shit
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah why did you put off going to your time stronghold in the past you nerd?
gellaho: I don't like that the Hardy Boys died and now I'm stuck with Tom Swift
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: He had all the time in the world, until he didn't
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh fuck is he gonna do an Eliminators?!
gellaho: The Giant Simile is back
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oooooh is Tom going to come before the throne of Azathoth and be subsumed into its formless nuclear chaos?!
FancyShark: I like that Joe took Mace down with him
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: A hero to the end
gellaho: Time Storm: Time Blender Part 2
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: TIIIIME STORRRM
gellaho: Tom uses the energy from Joe's final words to bravely tell a robot what to do
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Me ordering pizza through my smart home speaker when I get home at the end of the week
gellaho: Jesus Fucking Christ
FancyShark: Fuck!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: "WHY DO YOU WEEP, CHILDREN"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: hahahaha this got hardcore all of a sudden again.; The good ghostwriter wrestled the typewriter away from the bad one.
FancyShark: "GAZE INTO THE HOWLING VOID THAT WAITS FOR US ALL, CHILDREN"
LyraV: This book goes a lot harder than I was expecting
gellaho: Hi, Ernst
FancyShark: I might actually buy copies of these
Ozzie: Kill him with a rock now before he invents time travel!
FancyShark: And Dead of Night
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha does he just murder Ernst?!
FancyShark: And Steele
Brendan: What'd I miss?
gellaho: Oh, yeah, my robot
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I genuinely don't know where to begin with the recap
gellaho: Cosmic horror
FancyShark: TIMEPOCALPSE
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I actually laughed out loud
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Also I suggested that maybe destroying New York with a timesplosion wouldnt be the worst thing ever.
FancyShark: Black Dragon killed the Hardys and Fenton
gellaho: Ah, right, the things my robot can do
FancyShark: Tom has to stop the collapse of time itself; This is some seasons finale Doctor Who stakes
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: I was really worried about that protuberance until its position on the robot was specified
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Rob.........did my jack off camera save the day?!"
gellaho: "The same horrors I, the ghostwriter, described for children. I don't know why I'm not allowed to see my kids anymore."
Ozzie: "Don't take my word for it, experience the horror yourself"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just fucking sitting there like Werner Herzog listening to the Tim Treadwell tape
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Its probably because of my ex wife, she poisoned the kids against me."
FancyShark: "Time is like alternate weekends only. It's not enough"
gellaho: Such irony in the destruction of the universe
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Okay, professor, you only destroyed yourself and everyone in New York. Its hardly the WHOLE world.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Just fucking burn your notes, dude! Easy fix
gellaho: "Ask your parents about why a blackout might cause births, children"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Storks are blinded by light pollution, duh.
gellaho: Oh, no, the time storm is destroying everything throughout time. But Tom was still fucking around showing an old man his tapes
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: man fuck time; what did it ever do for us?
LyraV: Sounds about right
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh well then, nevermind. Feel bad I guess, old man.
Brendan: Ernst, I'm begging you to invent the time machine so my parents fuck into existence a me.
gellaho: Is it?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I misinterpreted this badly.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: YOU CAN JUST BURN THE PAPERS ON THE GROUND; YOU CAN JUST SMASH THE MACHINE ON THE GROUND; WHAT
Brendan: Mis, or alternately?
gellaho: An important lesson in the importance of punctuation
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: THEY WILL FALL AS A METEOR!
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Stein's Gate is more boring than I remember
Ozzie: They're gonna do the math to make sure it doesn't go off course and destroy NYC anyway?
gellaho: Boring is not the word I would use
Brendan: Yeah but the machine has to make the trip so they might as well make the trip destroy it.; Oh shit Tom Swift and Ernst killed the dinosaurs.
gellaho: Not existing? Whatever man, I'm Gen X dude
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: There's no way that's not the twist; Holy shit, that's why there was the iridium sidequest earlier
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Yeah that's a win/win for Tom
gellaho: Whee
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: I mean it seems like it would just maroon Tom Swift in a new timeline, since his is dead but whatever.
FancyShark: dangit, I need to sign off. Catch the rest of this later. Thank you, @gellaho ! Take care everyone!
Brendan: Tom Swift: Time Christ
gellaho: Meanwhile, at the beginning of the book
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: so what are our time travel rules? Positive feedback loops, multiverse theory, what?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Aw goddammit, so Joe and Frank are not only alive but didnt kick Toms ass a little bit.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Cosmic rays? They're gonna get Fantastic Four powers— wait; This is the beginning of the book
gellaho: I appreciate when people insist on how time travel would actually work as thought that's a thing that could possibly exist
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: GIF; Time isnt real anyway. Like birds.
LyraV: Time was invented by capitalists Maaaaaaaaaaaaan
Brendan: Think about it. They NEED causality so you're dependent on time to not starve; Then they make you SELL THEM YOUR TIME.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: my god
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: GIF
Brendan: You can travel back in time but you need the energy of an entire universe to do it.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: we must liberate the proletariat by destroying causality
gellaho: The repetition of the beginning of the book goes on for longer than you'd expect
Brendan: Basically you have to sacrifice a parallel universe every time you want to go back.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: I'd expect half a page
Brendan: BASICALLY
gellaho: Try five and a half
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Hahahah nice. I respect a time travel book that copy pastes its own beginning.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Okay but what about advancedly?
gellaho: So, instead of receiving papers about time travel, he gets letters about scientific ethics
LyraV: They wanted to be Really sure you got it
gellaho: So, you know, boring
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Historians will say Erich and Otto were good friends and roommates but you and I know better
gellaho: Then Fenton shows up for some reason
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: i like that the author thought the nuclear bomb wouldn't destroy the world. Now of course we know better
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "Hahahaha ethics? What? I'm Tom Fucking Swift, baybee. I tested an electric karate shirt on my best friend. Ethics are for plebians!"
gellaho: The reason being that they've found unusual fossils
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: "I built a robot with a reset button in its butthole that you have to stab with an ice pick. TOM SWIFT! MOTHERFUCKER!"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahahahaha they're gonna find the Steve Rifle
gellaho: STEVE!
LyraV: Did anyone ever sort out those twenty other time robots? Did I miss that?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Wait but didnt that never happen because.........; Fuck you book.; This is Tom Swifts Judgement Day, he can never escape it.
gellaho: And we end with Tom doing something weird with his shoe and Joe saying something equally as strange
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Joe remembers.; JOE REMEMBERS.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You'd think so.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: But Joe also wasn't chased by dinosaurs?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: You'd think so.
gellaho: They were used to pinpoint the time of the asteroid. They came back after investigating. They did it three more times. Which is 160 time travels in total
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Joe clearly existed outside of time and space and was briefly omniscient before Tom reset everything.
gellaho: NEEEEEEEEERRRRRDDD
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: 160 dead parallel universes i guess
Brendan: Lovingly yours, Mark Zuckerberg.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Oh fuck Total Reality Generator doesnt sound sinister at all, huh Tom?
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: That's some Gor shit
gellaho: We have defeated A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller ™️: Time Bomb
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Hahaha what a wet fart of an ending
Brendan: Must have sucked becoming one with everything and blowing up your own girlfriend.
LyraV: I like this ghost writer, they had teeth.
gellaho: So concludes the 90th Edition of the Book Cage
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: The Crossover That Never Was
gellaho: And what a 90th
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: i got my dinosaur vs robot fight and Joe and Frank kinda did kick Toms ass, so my satisfaction is high.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
LyraV: It was awesome @gellaho thank you!!!!
gellaho: May all of your Microwaves be Battled Over
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift is somehow less likeable but more unhinged than the Hardy boys.
Mrs. Rachel Jorgam: Great job y'all i look forward to reading it all
gellaho: And may Steve be with you
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: What a fucking book. Great caging, gang!
LyraV: We felt you here in spirit
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷: I was at my parents' so I missed it 🥲
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs: Thanks again, @gellaho !
Brendan: See you all tomorrow, Hot Doggers...YESTERDAY.