Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Fucking Doombots, man
#1 A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller
Fucking Doombots, man
My favorite part of this is imagining someone reading this as their first encounter with Tom Swift or the Hardy Boys. They'd read so many of the individual series and wonder what happened
Hahahahah now show him Rainbow Road, Frank.
Just melt that old mans brain with colors and lights.
Reisenbach is getting the future he wanted, but it had to time travel backwards to meet him at the present.
And Joe doesn't even get caught in the explosion?
The fuck are you doing, ghostwriter
Okay, yeah, that's too far
ROBO BOMB!
Sweet.
They just realized that robots have computers in them
And Frank leaves a man to burn to death
If they use the virus from that book in this story, I will overlook the lack of head trauma on Joe
And is all bought into the tabloid story
It's why they explode
Which, given their vast wealth, should be easy.
Goon lives dont matter to the Hardys, we knew this going in.
They get eaten for meter energy that goes into super moves, like the WMAC ninjas
Is that not a thing hikers are known for?
"I cracked a window"
Why didn't they just send the robot by itself with a gunbomb
Mountainous Backcountry is a fake name I made up for myself when I needed a new Gmail for scamming another free trial week of Hulu
Hikers carry shitty binoculars but expensive night vision goggles. For night peepin'.
Like why the thug if there was going to be a superstrong bot with an onboard tactical explosive.
"I also didn't mean to overhear exactly how the author described my speech"
Probably because they want the professor
You have to keep a certain number of people on your payroll or else the IRS gets suspicious
Double doublecross on the goon maybe?
This book is so rad Predator's ending is just its 40-minute mark.
Hard to get the professor's knowledge if he's been explodinated
Nonsense. Just put his brain back together like a jigsaw puzzle
If the professor saw our binocular technology he would suffer a nervous breakdown.
To be clear, the Hardys believe the professor is a time traveler but doubt any of Swift's achievements as tabloid fodder?
And now they prepare their sniper nest
BLOOD GULCH!
They believe Swift is evil because he's rich and a tabloid said he was evil
To be fair nine times out of ten they'd be correct
The swifts own a gigantic multinational corporation the hardys have been previously unaware of.
To be fair, he is rich and that DOES go a long way toward making someone evil.
Their near-constant exposure to explosives gave them the knowledge to recognize these things
To be fair, the Hardys need to be reminded to breathe
The Swifts are the Sacklers of tech.
Yeah that and his icy disregard for all things and utter lack of compassion.
This is now the plot of Civil War in reverse.
the Cap movie not the event
Joe has seen many secret government setups
Weird thing is that's not a joke
Hahahahah why do the guards have "minibazookas" and why does Joe say that like we should think they are commonplace?!
First of all I'm pretty sure a minibazooka is just an M72 LAW launcher.
Fun-size!
Remember that Tom Swift was in this book? Might as well cut over in the middle of a chapter
Second of all they're basically made of cardboard so I could kind of see the argument for them being commonplace.
Harlan would what his what
Once they get over their immediate suspicion of him, they can bond over their mutual love of vans.
This ghost writer has a van thing, which is to their credit.
Do we know who this ghost writer is?
The van is the ideal vehicle for both science and espionage.
"Are there two fellow teens up there? No, don't be ridiculous"
Are all their works so van centric?
And you could do worse for a DIY APC.
What is with this author and calling out baldness
Thank you I'm glad someone else noticed
IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!
Toms experiment will probably vaporize that mountaintop so its a good thing the Hardys will kidnap him.
Why would you refer to a hilltop that way?
Big fan of Night on Bald Mountain.
Like, just leave the hill alone man, it's got enough on its plate as it is
Good thing Tom was able to easily construct a new time machine
alright you've got me there
ooooh purple light this time.
Purple is the color of time.
Fuck you, Joe is not "burly"
If anything he's thick-fleshed.
YEAH KICK HIS ASS HARDY BOYS!
Beat that nerd.
I'm also pretty sure he's younger than you, Tom
Joe in his natural habitat, shoving a dork into the dirt
Tom woke up in the hospital with three broken ribs and a ruptured kidney.
Okay, so Joe could beat the shit out of that guy in a mechanical exosuit, but not Tom fucking Swift?
Tom has main character armor
Tom.......does the Black Dragon send teen goons after you a lot?
"Burly"
I really wanted Tom's thought of "he never expected me to know kickboxing" to be the last thing that went though his head before he got his clock cleaned
Joe and Frank are giving Tom middle school flashbacks.
You know how you punch to push things
You do if you're Mario
Fuck yeah, Karate Frank.
Joe beating a robot to death with its own arm tracks.
Frank is hardended by many death duels with his would be girlfriends kung fu dads.
Felt his ankle grasped
YES! Throw Tom Swift from Chekhovs Cliff!
What'd I say? Coen negligence murder
CAST DOWN THE TECHNOCRAT
SMITE HIS RUIN UPON THE MOUNTAINSIDE
Sure, this is how Frank talks
The ravens and wolves shall feast on his flesh and send his spirit wandering the earth for all time.
The dark haired guy's grim look waver
Cmooooooooon punch first and talk later, Frank. he's using his wily capitalist tricks to confuse you.
Yeah like we, the reader, know that they're Frank and Joe you can just say that
Why are they talking like Brooklyn mooks
Is it possible that there are two ghostwriters in play here?
Its'a us, Frankuigi and Joeio! Spaghett.
We're finally past the part where the heroes fight before teaming up. That took so long.
Then dog pile the old man
Short fight too. The Hardies would have just murdered him if not for the plot.
Also judging by the lack of reaction emotes I assume we've lost Shark.
They'll catch up, I'm sure
Shocking lack of babes inexplicably attracted to the Hardys here
Time travel is Man's Work
Maybe 17th C dirndl blonde will admire Frank having all his teeth
i assume Tom's sister will show up.
Oh, Xavier Mace. Welcome back
This is why everyone involved in STEM should have a .38 and execute anyone who snoops or is named something like "Xavier".
NOOO not Xavier Mace! Although I am less than surprised to see he's been lurking.
Time crime is everyones problem, ERNST.
"Ah, only back in time. You are but a pup"
Oh because going back in time wouldn't screw anything up, of course.
Who cares if that information leaks
Hahahah get styled on Tom. you fucking FOOL. You utter RUBE, with your time machine that only goes into the past.
You know I just left a bunch of it lying around and never tried to use it better mankind or anything.
Frank must be having some kind of personality split based on how much his speech changes moment to moment
Nazi superscience SNEERS at the boundary between past and future!
SNEERS, I tell you!
Frank is just trying to seem sophisticated for the STEM nerds.
Forward seems easier
When I'm put under stress I mostly emit tears.
Like just create a mass bubble.
Have you tried a different type of shampoo?
It's called "waiting".
Aha hahaha haha hahaha hahaha haha haha haha
Earlier it was a time train chugging along
God stop reading newspapers and INVENT A TIME VAN GODDAMMIT!
He puts out a whole magazine just to slag off Swift, those poor writers
Not really hiding their connection to the notorious criminal syndicate, are they
They were ready to KILL because Dr. Doom Mace's private WWN told them to,
You have to rescue Fenton from the late Cretacious before the Star Spawn eat his liver.
Amateur move for the secret evil organization to use their real name in the byline.
The Black Dragon has elevated his media empire to video tapes directly to the president
Yeah, they don't call it Murdoch News.
JET FIGHTER
Dragon News is the kind of name a Neo Nazi would think is cool.
They sent him a copy via fucking harrier jet?
What, was the rocket sled team busy?
Those are two very different images, ghostwriter
instead I'm picturing Peter Cushing.
GIF
Your primitive Star Wars technology
Hahaha oh man. That was a real thing and the government actually called it that.
Not a fun fact or anything, I just thought about that again
What a natural phrase
Goddammit, I forgot
Advisement
Unfortunately for you Xavier, the US isnt smart enough to negotiate with time terrorists.
"Blow up that fuckin city, fuck you. We have more, and it was probably filled with poor people anyway." George Bush-1992.
Put the title in italics, so they get it
Fuck
What's wrong with "advice," Mr. 50 ¢ words?
oh my god, Mace did 9/11
No. No, it's the same meaning, kids. You didn't actually say anything there
New president, doesn't believe the threat...BOOM
I guess deep down we all knew.
A second time rod has hit the World Trade Center.
You know how weak the fundamental aspects of the universe are
Fuck, I got distracted and missed the villain monologue.
I'm constantly falling through the Earth like a glitched videogame
They hold up fine until they doesn't
To send the box back in time on the president's desk, doesn't he have to go back/forward to when the White House isn't there and construct a machine?
Or does this thing also teleport?
He sends a Terminator back to build the White House and then just hide in the walls, waiting
"Oh, but it was just a widdle bit of time twavel"
This ghost writer focused on vans this book. Time travel mechanics are a big ask on top of that.
"Well you see, experimenting with all those POWs meant it was better if I hid out 9in the future.......wait fuck nevermind."
MUST CONSUME
Fucking Richie Rich over here with his supper table.
Call it a dinner table like everyone else!
Now the Hardys can see how the other half live. Tom will give them a share of his food pills.
Oh, Sandra's fucking dead
Oh RIP Sandra.
Holy shit, somebody called the sister showing up to crush on Joe
So dead
Joe's a real LADIES MAN, if you know what I mean: painted in the exploded viscera of all his ladies.
This is 1992, so Vanessa may have already been introduced
I think she must have been
He carries part of whats her name with him wherever he goes. By that I mean he has bone shrapnel embedded in him.
Joe's gonna drop an explosive time rod inside an existing space.
Hot
The long con is for Tom Sr. to pay Joe to leave.
It's not safe for Joe to date in a mansion that's 40% computer lab.
Joe Hardy will be an excellent son in law chimp for Tom Sr.s Experiments.
They are?
Oh, right, the President
They spent five pages bullshitting about the nature of time travel, so I forgot
Yeah because the President has iridium money laying around.
Dundundun
Gasppp
These guys just took a job tracking an academic and now the President has given them cart blanche to stop a time terrorist from blowing up Los Angeles.
Fuckin Vikings in exosuits with laser rifles better come out of that warp.
It's been 11 hours!
Just an eyebrow raise, Frank?
Not, "what the fuck are you talking about"
Well, a reflective shield raise too, to be fair
Or "Does this happen often?"
Ah, so here's where Sandra eats it
The moment she touched his hand we all knew
Just think, somewhere right now Nancy Drew is trying to explain how vampires arent real to her friends or something.
Y'know, I started trying to read the Hardy Boys Book Cage archives and had to skip to another category.
The prone body of a robot
There's a lot of girlfriend fringing, I understand
Huge mistake
I feel like hitting anything with a fire extinguisher would knock it over, fellas
I feel like it doesn't take a genius to assume that would be the cause and effect there
Sandra is programmed for like 3 responses
Sandra is so turned on she is gonna start sliding down the halls and twist an ankle if shes not careful.
Make sure you give your robots a big beefy arm and a teeny-weenie arm
GIF
That way they can open jars efficiently.
I would say this was taken from Jurassic Park. But this came out first
Joe is just showing off for Sandra now.
He's just happy she's not dead yet
Sandra has embraced the Joe lifestyle
-"Alive AND still talking to me, its your lucky day, Joe Hardy!" he thought to himself.
"It's a monster! Let's get out of here!"
And now its Joes turn to be turned on.
Black Dragon sent his weeniest troops
yeah you dont send your elite troops to assault the good guys compound. Its rule 1 of villainy.
Shame they didn't send the one equipped with the robot Stone Cold stunner
You can just say EMP. We All know what that is.
It's rock salt
Alright, so Joe has a metal pole
And Frank has a keyboard
And an unclosed sentence
Frank Hardy, Keyboard Warrior
Little fuck up by the cover artist
Oh man he was like two inches away from getting his head lasered off there.
Plus that robot had two arms of the same size
All sorts of mistakes, Mr Unpronouncable
Get it together, Kuk
I guess sometimes you illustrate for the book you want it to be and not the book you know it is.
Romas "Krazy Kook" Kukalis
That's the most Greek name I've ever not recognized as a Greek name.
His mother was Scooby Doo's daughter.
You know how hard it is to operate a keyboard and a laser
Constant vomiting in time travel
Tom. Maybe you just really need to poop?
Because why would you feel time travel as a physical sensation, Tom?
Little chunks of barf traveling forever through the time stream, like bits of Thanos' brain and an entire brainwashed Juggernaut
And now people are being vaporized
been ambushed by a migraine so I have to catch the end later, keep up those based riffs
Aww hope you feel better quickly.
You know how the universe reacts as one thing to stuff
So if this chapter doesnt end with Frank, Joe, and Tom floating in a void, do we get our money back?
Or is the universe's warranty expired?
Well, it ends with the professor being fucking dead
I mean you dont KNOW.
Didn't know nature law crimes were punished on a "closest proximity" basis
He could have decided the 60s sucked ass and were full of hippies and went to 2099.
Despite their labs being blown to shit, they fix all their limitations in two days
Okay, I know Orb ate shit in that book
And Joe would not understand magnets
Orb Mk II?
It's Orbin time
Hopefully he upgraded the firewall on ol Orb or something because tlast time Orb was a round ass traitor bot.
It'll be fine, just finger Orb with a screwdriver again if he starts getting uppity
"It's a war. But not one the government has any involvement or interest in for some reason"
TIIIIIME WARRRRR
Tom, people just died
Good to see robo-Frank finally make an appearance
"Yeah uh....Tom? Maybe dont tease my brother about how your sister might like him, we kinda.......lets say we are having some real issues keeping Joe's lady friends among the living?"
Or, you know, all the other dead people
"He still has a piece of her tooth that got embedded in a chunk of car, he sleeps with it under his pillow."
"I think its part of the steering wheel but nobody can say for sure."