Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Fucking Doombots, man
90: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #1: Time Bomb Franklin W. Dixon
#1 A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller
Tags:
The Year of Pain
An explosive discovery ignites a cosmic countdown to destruction!
Archive
FancyShark
My favorite part of this is imagining someone reading this as their first encounter with Tom Swift or the Hardy Boys. They'd read so many of the individual series and wonder what happened
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah now show him Rainbow Road, Frank.
Just melt that old mans brain with colors and lights.
Brendan
Reisenbach is getting the future he wanted, but it had to time travel backwards to meet him at the present.
gellaho
And Joe doesn't even get caught in the explosion?
gellaho
The fuck are you doing, ghostwriter
FancyShark
Okay, yeah, that's too far
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
ROBO BOMB!
Sweet.
GDC
They just realized that robots have computers in them
gellaho
And Frank leaves a man to burn to death
FancyShark
If they use the virus from that book in this story, I will overlook the lack of head trauma on Joe
gellaho
And is all bought into the tabloid story
gellaho
It's why they explode
GDC
Which, given their vast wealth, should be easy.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Goon lives dont matter to the Hardys, we knew this going in.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
They get eaten for meter energy that goes into super moves, like the WMAC ninjas
gellaho
Is that not a thing hikers are known for?
FancyShark
"I cracked a window"
Brendan
Why didn't they just send the robot by itself with a gunbomb
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Mountainous Backcountry is a fake name I made up for myself when I needed a new Gmail for scamming another free trial week of Hulu
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hikers carry shitty binoculars but expensive night vision goggles. For night peepin'.
Brendan
Like why the thug if there was going to be a superstrong bot with an onboard tactical explosive.
gellaho
"I also didn't mean to overhear exactly how the author described my speech"
gellaho
Probably because they want the professor
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You have to keep a certain number of people on your payroll or else the IRS gets suspicious
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Double doublecross on the goon maybe?
Brendan
This book is so rad Predator's ending is just its 40-minute mark.
gellaho
Hard to get the professor's knowledge if he's been explodinated
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Nonsense. Just put his brain back together like a jigsaw puzzle
Brendan
If the professor saw our binocular technology he would suffer a nervous breakdown.
To be clear, the Hardys believe the professor is a time traveler but doubt any of Swift's achievements as tabloid fodder?
gellaho
And now they prepare their sniper nest
Brendan
BLOOD GULCH!
FancyShark
They believe Swift is evil because he's rich and a tabloid said he was evil
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
To be fair nine times out of ten they'd be correct
GDC
The swifts own a gigantic multinational corporation the hardys have been previously unaware of.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
To be fair, he is rich and that DOES go a long way toward making someone evil.
gellaho
Their near-constant exposure to explosives gave them the knowledge to recognize these things
FancyShark
To be fair, the Hardys need to be reminded to breathe
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The Swifts are the Sacklers of tech.
LyraV
Yeah that and his icy disregard for all things and utter lack of compassion.
Brendan
This is now the plot of Civil War in reverse.
the Cap movie not the event
gellaho
Joe has seen many secret government setups
gellaho
Weird thing is that's not a joke
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah why do the guards have "minibazookas" and why does Joe say that like we should think they are commonplace?!
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
First of all I'm pretty sure a minibazooka is just an M72 LAW launcher.
Brendan
Fun-size!
gellaho
Remember that Tom Swift was in this book? Might as well cut over in the middle of a chapter
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Second of all they're basically made of cardboard so I could kind of see the argument for them being commonplace.
Harlan would what his what
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Once they get over their immediate suspicion of him, they can bond over their mutual love of vans.
GDC
This ghost writer has a van thing, which is to their credit.
Do we know who this ghost writer is?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The van is the ideal vehicle for both science and espionage.
gellaho
"Are there two fellow teens up there? No, don't be ridiculous"
GDC
Are all their works so van centric?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And you could do worse for a DIY APC.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
What is with this author and calling out baldness
LyraV
Thank you I'm glad someone else noticed
gellaho
IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Toms experiment will probably vaporize that mountaintop so its a good thing the Hardys will kidnap him.
LyraV
Why would you refer to a hilltop that way?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Big fan of Night on Bald Mountain.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Like, just leave the hill alone man, it's got enough on its plate as it is
gellaho
Good thing Tom was able to easily construct a new time machine
LyraV
alright you've got me there
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
ooooh purple light this time.
Purple is the color of time.
gellaho
Fuck you, Joe is not "burly"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
If anything he's thick-fleshed.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
YEAH KICK HIS ASS HARDY BOYS!
Beat that nerd.
gellaho
I'm also pretty sure he's younger than you, Tom
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Joe in his natural habitat, shoving a dork into the dirt
GDC
Tom woke up in the hospital with three broken ribs and a ruptured kidney.
gellaho
Okay, so Joe could beat the shit out of that guy in a mechanical exosuit, but not Tom fucking Swift?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Tom has main character armor
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Tom.......does the Black Dragon send teen goons after you a lot?
gellaho
"Burly"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I really wanted Tom's thought of "he never expected me to know kickboxing" to be the last thing that went though his head before he got his clock cleaned
GDC
Joe and Frank are giving Tom middle school flashbacks.
gellaho
You know how you punch to push things
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
You do if you're Mario
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, Karate Frank.
Brendan
Joe beating a robot to death with its own arm tracks.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Frank is hardended by many death duels with his would be girlfriends kung fu dads.
gellaho
Felt his ankle grasped
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
YES! Throw Tom Swift from Chekhovs Cliff!
Brendan
What'd I say? Coen negligence murder
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
CAST DOWN THE TECHNOCRAT
SMITE HIS RUIN UPON THE MOUNTAINSIDE
gellaho
Sure, this is how Frank talks
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
The ravens and wolves shall feast on his flesh and send his spirit wandering the earth for all time.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
The dark haired guy's grim look waver
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Cmooooooooon punch first and talk later, Frank. he's using his wily capitalist tricks to confuse you.
LyraV
Yeah like we, the reader, know that they're Frank and Joe you can just say that
gellaho
Why are they talking like Brooklyn mooks
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Is it possible that there are two ghostwriters in play here?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Its'a us, Frankuigi and Joeio! Spaghett.
GDC
We're finally past the part where the heroes fight before teaming up. That took so long.
gellaho
Then dog pile the old man
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Short fight too. The Hardies would have just murdered him if not for the plot.
GDC
Also judging by the lack of reaction emotes I assume we've lost Shark.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
They'll catch up, I'm sure
Brendan
Shocking lack of babes inexplicably attracted to the Hardys here
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Time travel is Man's Work
Brendan
Maybe 17th C dirndl blonde will admire Frank having all his teeth
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
i assume Tom's sister will show up.
gellaho
Oh, Xavier Mace. Welcome back
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
This is why everyone involved in STEM should have a .38 and execute anyone who snoops or is named something like "Xavier".
LyraV
NOOO not Xavier Mace! Although I am less than surprised to see he's been lurking.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Time crime is everyones problem, ERNST.
gellaho
"Ah, only back in time. You are but a pup"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh because going back in time wouldn't screw anything up, of course.
Who cares if that information leaks
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hahahah get styled on Tom. you fucking FOOL. You utter RUBE, with your time machine that only goes into the past.
LyraV
You know I just left a bunch of it lying around and never tried to use it better mankind or anything.
gellaho
Frank must be having some kind of personality split based on how much his speech changes moment to moment
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Nazi superscience SNEERS at the boundary between past and future!
SNEERS, I tell you!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Frank is just trying to seem sophisticated for the STEM nerds.
Brendan
Forward seems easier
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
When I'm put under stress I mostly emit tears.
Brendan
Like just create a mass bubble.
gellaho
Have you tried a different type of shampoo?
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
It's called "waiting".
gellaho
Aha hahaha haha hahaha hahaha haha haha haha
LyraV
Earlier it was a time train chugging along
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
God stop reading newspapers and INVENT A TIME VAN GODDAMMIT!
LyraV
He puts out a whole magazine just to slag off Swift, those poor writers
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Not really hiding their connection to the notorious criminal syndicate, are they
Brendan
They were ready to KILL because Dr. Doom Mace's private WWN told them to,
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
You have to rescue Fenton from the late Cretacious before the Star Spawn eat his liver.
GDC
Amateur move for the secret evil organization to use their real name in the byline.
gellaho
The Black Dragon has elevated his media empire to video tapes directly to the president
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Yeah, they don't call it Murdoch News.
Brendan
JET FIGHTER
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Dragon News is the kind of name a Neo Nazi would think is cool.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
They sent him a copy via fucking harrier jet?
What, was the rocket sled team busy?
gellaho
Those are two very different images, ghostwriter
gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
instead I'm picturing Peter Cushing.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
gellaho
Your primitive Star Wars technology
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Hahaha oh man. That was a real thing and the government actually called it that.
Not a fun fact or anything, I just thought about that again
gellaho
What a natural phrase
gellaho
gellaho
Goddammit, I forgot
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Advisement
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Unfortunately for you Xavier, the US isnt smart enough to negotiate with time terrorists.
"Blow up that fuckin city, fuck you. We have more, and it was probably filled with poor people anyway." George Bush-1992.
gellaho
Put the title in italics, so they get it
gellaho
gellaho
Fuck
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
What's wrong with "advice," Mr. 50 ¢ words?
Brendan
oh my god, Mace did 9/11
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
No. No, it's the same meaning, kids. You didn't actually say anything there
Brendan
New president, doesn't believe the threat...BOOM
LyraV
I guess deep down we all knew.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
A second time rod has hit the World Trade Center.
gellaho
You know how weak the fundamental aspects of the universe are
GDC
Fuck, I got distracted and missed the villain monologue.
gellaho
I'm constantly falling through the Earth like a glitched videogame
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
They hold up fine until they doesn't
Brendan
To send the box back in time on the president's desk, doesn't he have to go back/forward to when the White House isn't there and construct a machine?
Or does this thing also teleport?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
He sends a Terminator back to build the White House and then just hide in the walls, waiting
gellaho
"Oh, but it was just a widdle bit of time twavel"
GDC
This ghost writer focused on vans this book. Time travel mechanics are a big ask on top of that.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Well you see, experimenting with all those POWs meant it was better if I hid out 9in the future.......wait fuck nevermind."
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Fucking Richie Rich over here with his supper table.
Call it a dinner table like everyone else!
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Now the Hardys can see how the other half live. Tom will give them a share of his food pills.
gellaho
Oh, Sandra's fucking dead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Oh RIP Sandra.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Holy shit, somebody called the sister showing up to crush on Joe
gellaho
So dead
Brendan
Joe's a real LADIES MAN, if you know what I mean: painted in the exploded viscera of all his ladies.
gellaho
This is 1992, so Vanessa may have already been introduced
I think she must have been
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He carries part of whats her name with him wherever he goes. By that I mean he has bone shrapnel embedded in him.
Brendan
Joe's gonna drop an explosive time rod inside an existing space.
LyraV
Hot
Brendan
The long con is for Tom Sr. to pay Joe to leave.
It's not safe for Joe to date in a mansion that's 40% computer lab.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Joe Hardy will be an excellent son in law chimp for Tom Sr.s Experiments.
gellaho
They are?
gellaho
Oh, right, the President
They spent five pages bullshitting about the nature of time travel, so I forgot
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Yeah because the President has iridium money laying around.
gellaho
Dundundun
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Gasppp
Brendan
These guys just took a job tracking an academic and now the President has given them cart blanche to stop a time terrorist from blowing up Los Angeles.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Vikings in exosuits with laser rifles better come out of that warp.
Brendan
It's been 11 hours!
gellaho
Just an eyebrow raise, Frank?
gellaho
Not, "what the fuck are you talking about"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Well, a reflective shield raise too, to be fair
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Or "Does this happen often?"
gellaho
Ah, so here's where Sandra eats it
LyraV
The moment she touched his hand we all knew
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Just think, somewhere right now Nancy Drew is trying to explain how vampires arent real to her friends or something.
Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷
Y'know, I started trying to read the Hardy Boys Book Cage archives and had to skip to another category.
gellaho
The prone body of a robot
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
There's a lot of girlfriend fringing, I understand
gellaho
Huge mistake
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
I feel like hitting anything with a fire extinguisher would knock it over, fellas
I feel like it doesn't take a genius to assume that would be the cause and effect there
LyraV
Sandra is programmed for like 3 responses
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Sandra is so turned on she is gonna start sliding down the halls and twist an ankle if shes not careful.
gellaho
Make sure you give your robots a big beefy arm and a teeny-weenie arm
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
GIF
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
That way they can open jars efficiently.
gellaho
I would say this was taken from Jurassic Park. But this came out first
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Joe is just showing off for Sandra now.
LyraV
He's just happy she's not dead yet
gellaho
Sandra has embraced the Joe lifestyle
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
-"Alive AND still talking to me, its your lucky day, Joe Hardy!" he thought to himself.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
"It's a monster! Let's get out of here!"
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
And now its Joes turn to be turned on.
gellaho
Black Dragon sent his weeniest troops
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
yeah you dont send your elite troops to assault the good guys compound. Its rule 1 of villainy.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Shame they didn't send the one equipped with the robot Stone Cold stunner
GDC
You can just say EMP. We All know what that is.
FancyShark
It's rock salt
gellaho
Alright, so Joe has a metal pole
gellaho
And Frank has a keyboard
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
And an unclosed sentence
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Frank Hardy, Keyboard Warrior
gellaho
Little fuck up by the cover artist
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Oh man he was like two inches away from getting his head lasered off there.
gellaho
Plus that robot had two arms of the same size
All sorts of mistakes, Mr Unpronouncable
gellaho
Get it together, Kuk
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I guess sometimes you illustrate for the book you want it to be and not the book you know it is.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Romas "Krazy Kook" Kukalis
Brendan
That's the most Greek name I've ever not recognized as a Greek name.
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
His mother was Scooby Doo's daughter.
gellaho
You know how hard it is to operate a keyboard and a laser
gellaho
Constant vomiting in time travel
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Tom. Maybe you just really need to poop?
Because why would you feel time travel as a physical sensation, Tom?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Little chunks of barf traveling forever through the time stream, like bits of Thanos' brain and an entire brainwashed Juggernaut
gellaho
And now people are being vaporized
LyraV
been ambushed by a migraine so I have to catch the end later, keep up those based riffs
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Aww hope you feel better quickly.
gellaho
You know how the universe reacts as one thing to stuff
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
So if this chapter doesnt end with Frank, Joe, and Tom floating in a void, do we get our money back?
Or is the universe's warranty expired?
gellaho
Well, it ends with the professor being fucking dead
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
I mean you dont KNOW.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
Didn't know nature law crimes were punished on a "closest proximity" basis
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
He could have decided the 60s sucked ass and were full of hippies and went to 2099.
gellaho
Despite their labs being blown to shit, they fix all their limitations in two days
gellaho
Okay, I know Orb ate shit in that book
gellaho
And Joe would not understand magnets
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Orb Mk II?
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It's Orbin time
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
Hopefully he upgraded the firewall on ol Orb or something because tlast time Orb was a round ass traitor bot.
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
It'll be fine, just finger Orb with a screwdriver again if he starts getting uppity
gellaho
"It's a war. But not one the government has any involvement or interest in for some reason"
Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs
TIIIIIME WARRRRR
FancyShark
Tom, people just died
gellaho
Good to see robo-Frank finally make an appearance
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"Yeah uh....Tom? Maybe dont tease my brother about how your sister might like him, we kinda.......lets say we are having some real issues keeping Joe's lady friends among the living?"
gellaho
Or, you know, all the other dead people
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage
"He still has a piece of her tooth that got embedded in a chunk of car, he sleeps with it under his pillow."
"I think its part of the steering wheel but nobody can say for sure."