90: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #1: Time Bomb Franklin W. Dixon

#1 A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller

Tags: The Year of Pain
An explosive discovery ignites a cosmic countdown to destruction!

Archive

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Fucking Doombots, man

FancyShark

My favorite part of this is imagining someone reading this as their first encounter with Tom Swift or the Hardy Boys. They'd read so many of the individual series and wonder what happened

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah now show him Rainbow Road, Frank.

Just melt that old mans brain with colors and lights.

Brendan

Reisenbach is getting the future he wanted, but it had to time travel backwards to meet him at the present.

gellaho

And Joe doesn't even get caught in the explosion?

gellaho

The fuck are you doing, ghostwriter

FancyShark

Okay, yeah, that's too far

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

ROBO BOMB!

Sweet.

GDC

They just realized that robots have computers in them

gellaho

And Frank leaves a man to burn to death

FancyShark

If they use the virus from that book in this story, I will overlook the lack of head trauma on Joe

gellaho

And is all bought into the tabloid story

gellaho

It's why they explode

GDC

Which, given their vast wealth, should be easy.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Goon lives dont matter to the Hardys, we knew this going in.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

They get eaten for meter energy that goes into super moves, like the WMAC ninjas

gellaho

Is that not a thing hikers are known for?

FancyShark

"I cracked a window"

Brendan

Why didn't they just send the robot by itself with a gunbomb

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Mountainous Backcountry is a fake name I made up for myself when I needed a new Gmail for scamming another free trial week of Hulu

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hikers carry shitty binoculars but expensive night vision goggles. For night peepin'.

Brendan

Like why the thug if there was going to be a superstrong bot with an onboard tactical explosive.

gellaho

"I also didn't mean to overhear exactly how the author described my speech"

gellaho

Probably because they want the professor

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

You have to keep a certain number of people on your payroll or else the IRS gets suspicious

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Double doublecross on the goon maybe?

Brendan

This book is so rad Predator's ending is just its 40-minute mark.

gellaho

Hard to get the professor's knowledge if he's been explodinated

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Nonsense. Just put his brain back together like a jigsaw puzzle

Brendan

If the professor saw our binocular technology he would suffer a nervous breakdown.

To be clear, the Hardys believe the professor is a time traveler but doubt any of Swift's achievements as tabloid fodder?

gellaho

And now they prepare their sniper nest

Brendan

BLOOD GULCH!

FancyShark

They believe Swift is evil because he's rich and a tabloid said he was evil

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

To be fair nine times out of ten they'd be correct

GDC

The swifts own a gigantic multinational corporation the hardys have been previously unaware of.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

To be fair, he is rich and that DOES go a long way toward making someone evil.

gellaho

Their near-constant exposure to explosives gave them the knowledge to recognize these things

FancyShark

To be fair, the Hardys need to be reminded to breathe

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The Swifts are the Sacklers of tech.

LyraV

Yeah that and his icy disregard for all things and utter lack of compassion.

Brendan

This is now the plot of Civil War in reverse.

the Cap movie not the event

gellaho

Joe has seen many secret government setups

gellaho

Weird thing is that's not a joke

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah why do the guards have "minibazookas" and why does Joe say that like we should think they are commonplace?!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

First of all I'm pretty sure a minibazooka is just an M72 LAW launcher.

Brendan

Fun-size!

gellaho

Remember that Tom Swift was in this book? Might as well cut over in the middle of a chapter

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Second of all they're basically made of cardboard so I could kind of see the argument for them being commonplace.

Harlan would what his what

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Once they get over their immediate suspicion of him, they can bond over their mutual love of vans.

GDC

This ghost writer has a van thing, which is to their credit.

Do we know who this ghost writer is?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The van is the ideal vehicle for both science and espionage.

gellaho

"Are there two fellow teens up there? No, don't be ridiculous"

GDC

Are all their works so van centric?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And you could do worse for a DIY APC.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

What is with this author and calling out baldness

LyraV

Thank you I'm glad someone else noticed

gellaho

IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Toms experiment will probably vaporize that mountaintop so its a good thing the Hardys will kidnap him.

LyraV

Why would you refer to a hilltop that way?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Big fan of Night on Bald Mountain.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Like, just leave the hill alone man, it's got enough on its plate as it is

gellaho

Good thing Tom was able to easily construct a new time machine

LyraV

alright you've got me there

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

ooooh purple light this time.

Purple is the color of time.

gellaho

Fuck you, Joe is not "burly"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

If anything he's thick-fleshed.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

YEAH KICK HIS ASS HARDY BOYS!

Beat that nerd.

gellaho

I'm also pretty sure he's younger than you, Tom

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Joe in his natural habitat, shoving a dork into the dirt

GDC

Tom woke up in the hospital with three broken ribs and a ruptured kidney.

gellaho

Okay, so Joe could beat the shit out of that guy in a mechanical exosuit, but not Tom fucking Swift?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Tom has main character armor

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom.......does the Black Dragon send teen goons after you a lot?

gellaho

"Burly"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I really wanted Tom's thought of "he never expected me to know kickboxing" to be the last thing that went though his head before he got his clock cleaned

GDC

Joe and Frank are giving Tom middle school flashbacks.

gellaho

You know how you punch to push things

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

You do if you're Mario

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah, Karate Frank.

Brendan

Joe beating a robot to death with its own arm tracks.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Frank is hardended by many death duels with his would be girlfriends kung fu dads.

gellaho

Felt his ankle grasped

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

YES! Throw Tom Swift from Chekhovs Cliff!

Brendan

What'd I say? Coen negligence murder

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

CAST DOWN THE TECHNOCRAT

SMITE HIS RUIN UPON THE MOUNTAINSIDE

gellaho

Sure, this is how Frank talks

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The ravens and wolves shall feast on his flesh and send his spirit wandering the earth for all time.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The dark haired guy's grim look waver

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Cmooooooooon punch first and talk later, Frank. he's using his wily capitalist tricks to confuse you.

LyraV

Yeah like we, the reader, know that they're Frank and Joe you can just say that

gellaho

Why are they talking like Brooklyn mooks

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Is it possible that there are two ghostwriters in play here?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Its'a us, Frankuigi and Joeio! Spaghett.

GDC

We're finally past the part where the heroes fight before teaming up. That took so long.

gellaho

Then dog pile the old man

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Short fight too. The Hardies would have just murdered him if not for the plot.

GDC

Also judging by the lack of reaction emotes I assume we've lost Shark.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

They'll catch up, I'm sure

Brendan

Shocking lack of babes inexplicably attracted to the Hardys here

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Time travel is Man's Work

Brendan

Maybe 17th C dirndl blonde will admire Frank having all his teeth

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

i assume Tom's sister will show up.

gellaho

Oh, Xavier Mace. Welcome back

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

This is why everyone involved in STEM should have a .38 and execute anyone who snoops or is named something like "Xavier".

LyraV

NOOO not Xavier Mace! Although I am less than surprised to see he's been lurking.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Time crime is everyones problem, ERNST.

gellaho

"Ah, only back in time. You are but a pup"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh because going back in time wouldn't screw anything up, of course.

Who cares if that information leaks

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahah get styled on Tom. you fucking FOOL. You utter RUBE, with your time machine that only goes into the past.

LyraV

You know I just left a bunch of it lying around and never tried to use it better mankind or anything.

gellaho

Frank must be having some kind of personality split based on how much his speech changes moment to moment

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Nazi superscience SNEERS at the boundary between past and future!

SNEERS, I tell you!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Frank is just trying to seem sophisticated for the STEM nerds.

Brendan

Forward seems easier

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

When I'm put under stress I mostly emit tears.

Brendan

Like just create a mass bubble.

gellaho

Have you tried a different type of shampoo?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

It's called "waiting".

gellaho

Aha hahaha haha hahaha hahaha haha haha haha

LyraV

Earlier it was a time train chugging along

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

God stop reading newspapers and INVENT A TIME VAN GODDAMMIT!

LyraV

He puts out a whole magazine just to slag off Swift, those poor writers

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Not really hiding their connection to the notorious criminal syndicate, are they

Brendan

They were ready to KILL because Dr. Doom Mace's private WWN told them to,

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

You have to rescue Fenton from the late Cretacious before the Star Spawn eat his liver.

GDC

Amateur move for the secret evil organization to use their real name in the byline.

gellaho

The Black Dragon has elevated his media empire to video tapes directly to the president

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Yeah, they don't call it Murdoch News.

Brendan

JET FIGHTER

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Dragon News is the kind of name a Neo Nazi would think is cool.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

They sent him a copy via fucking harrier jet?

What, was the rocket sled team busy?

gellaho

Those are two very different images, ghostwriter

gellaho
Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

instead I'm picturing Peter Cushing.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

GIF

gellaho

Your primitive Star Wars technology

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hahaha oh man. That was a real thing and the government actually called it that.

Not a fun fact or anything, I just thought about that again

gellaho

What a natural phrase

gellaho
gellaho

Goddammit, I forgot

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Advisement

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Unfortunately for you Xavier, the US isnt smart enough to negotiate with time terrorists.

"Blow up that fuckin city, fuck you. We have more, and it was probably filled with poor people anyway." George Bush-1992.

gellaho

Put the title in italics, so they get it

gellaho
gellaho

Fuck

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

What's wrong with "advice," Mr. 50 ¢ words?

Brendan

oh my god, Mace did 9/11

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

No. No, it's the same meaning, kids. You didn't actually say anything there

Brendan

New president, doesn't believe the threat...BOOM

LyraV

I guess deep down we all knew.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

A second time rod has hit the World Trade Center.

gellaho

You know how weak the fundamental aspects of the universe are

GDC

Fuck, I got distracted and missed the villain monologue.

gellaho

I'm constantly falling through the Earth like a glitched videogame

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

They hold up fine until they doesn't

Brendan

To send the box back in time on the president's desk, doesn't he have to go back/forward to when the White House isn't there and construct a machine?

Or does this thing also teleport?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

He sends a Terminator back to build the White House and then just hide in the walls, waiting

gellaho

"Oh, but it was just a widdle bit of time twavel"

GDC

This ghost writer focused on vans this book. Time travel mechanics are a big ask on top of that.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Well you see, experimenting with all those POWs meant it was better if I hid out 9in the future.......wait fuck nevermind."

gellaho

MUST CONSUME

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Fucking Richie Rich over here with his supper table.

Call it a dinner table like everyone else!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Now the Hardys can see how the other half live. Tom will give them a share of his food pills.

gellaho

Oh, Sandra's fucking dead

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh RIP Sandra.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Holy shit, somebody called the sister showing up to crush on Joe

gellaho

So dead

Brendan

Joe's a real LADIES MAN, if you know what I mean: painted in the exploded viscera of all his ladies.

gellaho

This is 1992, so Vanessa may have already been introduced

I think she must have been

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

He carries part of whats her name with him wherever he goes. By that I mean he has bone shrapnel embedded in him.

Brendan

Joe's gonna drop an explosive time rod inside an existing space.

LyraV

Hot

Brendan

The long con is for Tom Sr. to pay Joe to leave.

It's not safe for Joe to date in a mansion that's 40% computer lab.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Joe Hardy will be an excellent son in law chimp for Tom Sr.s Experiments.

gellaho

They are?

gellaho

Oh, right, the President

They spent five pages bullshitting about the nature of time travel, so I forgot

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yeah because the President has iridium money laying around.

gellaho

Dundundun

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Gasppp

Brendan

These guys just took a job tracking an academic and now the President has given them cart blanche to stop a time terrorist from blowing up Los Angeles.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Vikings in exosuits with laser rifles better come out of that warp.

Brendan

It's been 11 hours!

gellaho

Just an eyebrow raise, Frank?

gellaho

Not, "what the fuck are you talking about"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Well, a reflective shield raise too, to be fair

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Or "Does this happen often?"

gellaho

Ah, so here's where Sandra eats it

LyraV

The moment she touched his hand we all knew

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Just think, somewhere right now Nancy Drew is trying to explain how vampires arent real to her friends or something.

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

Y'know, I started trying to read the Hardy Boys Book Cage archives and had to skip to another category.

gellaho

The prone body of a robot

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

There's a lot of girlfriend fringing, I understand

gellaho

Huge mistake

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I feel like hitting anything with a fire extinguisher would knock it over, fellas

I feel like it doesn't take a genius to assume that would be the cause and effect there

LyraV

Sandra is programmed for like 3 responses

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Sandra is so turned on she is gonna start sliding down the halls and twist an ankle if shes not careful.

gellaho

Make sure you give your robots a big beefy arm and a teeny-weenie arm

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

GIF

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

That way they can open jars efficiently.

gellaho

I would say this was taken from Jurassic Park. But this came out first

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Joe is just showing off for Sandra now.

LyraV

He's just happy she's not dead yet

gellaho

Sandra has embraced the Joe lifestyle

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

-"Alive AND still talking to me, its your lucky day, Joe Hardy!" he thought to himself.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"It's a monster! Let's get out of here!"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And now its Joes turn to be turned on.

gellaho

Black Dragon sent his weeniest troops

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

yeah you dont send your elite troops to assault the good guys compound. Its rule 1 of villainy.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Shame they didn't send the one equipped with the robot Stone Cold stunner

GDC

You can just say EMP. We All know what that is.

FancyShark

It's rock salt

gellaho

Alright, so Joe has a metal pole

gellaho

And Frank has a keyboard

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

And an unclosed sentence

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Frank Hardy, Keyboard Warrior

gellaho

Little fuck up by the cover artist

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh man he was like two inches away from getting his head lasered off there.

gellaho

Plus that robot had two arms of the same size

All sorts of mistakes, Mr Unpronouncable

gellaho

Get it together, Kuk

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I guess sometimes you illustrate for the book you want it to be and not the book you know it is.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Romas "Krazy Kook" Kukalis

Brendan

That's the most Greek name I've ever not recognized as a Greek name.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

His mother was Scooby Doo's daughter.

gellaho

You know how hard it is to operate a keyboard and a laser

gellaho

Constant vomiting in time travel

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom. Maybe you just really need to poop?

Because why would you feel time travel as a physical sensation, Tom?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Little chunks of barf traveling forever through the time stream, like bits of Thanos' brain and an entire brainwashed Juggernaut

gellaho

And now people are being vaporized

LyraV

been ambushed by a migraine so I have to catch the end later, keep up those based riffs

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Aww hope you feel better quickly.

gellaho

You know how the universe reacts as one thing to stuff

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

So if this chapter doesnt end with Frank, Joe, and Tom floating in a void, do we get our money back?

Or is the universe's warranty expired?

gellaho

Well, it ends with the professor being fucking dead

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I mean you dont KNOW.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Didn't know nature law crimes were punished on a "closest proximity" basis

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

He could have decided the 60s sucked ass and were full of hippies and went to 2099.

gellaho

Despite their labs being blown to shit, they fix all their limitations in two days

gellaho

Okay, I know Orb ate shit in that book

gellaho

And Joe would not understand magnets

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Orb Mk II?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It's Orbin time

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hopefully he upgraded the firewall on ol Orb or something because tlast time Orb was a round ass traitor bot.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It'll be fine, just finger Orb with a screwdriver again if he starts getting uppity

gellaho

"It's a war. But not one the government has any involvement or interest in for some reason"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

TIIIIIME WARRRRR

FancyShark

Tom, people just died

gellaho

Good to see robo-Frank finally make an appearance

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Yeah uh....Tom? Maybe dont tease my brother about how your sister might like him, we kinda.......lets say we are having some real issues keeping Joe's lady friends among the living?"

gellaho

Or, you know, all the other dead people

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"He still has a piece of her tooth that got embedded in a chunk of car, he sleeps with it under his pillow."

"I think its part of the steering wheel but nobody can say for sure."