90: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #1: Time Bomb Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

Better moisten those lips, Frank

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I too wish to communicate with my sons across the gulfs of time via Frazetta-esque magazine covers.

gellaho

Black Dragon is on a Fenton hunt

gellaho

How and why?

Stop asking questions

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Black Dragon owns all magazines and thus is hyper sensitive to time tampering

gellaho

Oh, hell yes, the boys are going to steal some time machines

gellaho

Suck it, Swift

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh I figured they could know when he chronoported to and just needed a more specific clue to track him down and just like old magazines.

Hahahaha please let Joe seduce Sandra into giving them access to a time machine.

gellaho

"We might never get another shot at a time machine"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I want Tom to get back and find his science dome overrun by raptors and time clones of Fenton Hardy.

Brendan

Zeman howled in his manacles. "Unhand my Book-Wife!" Frank and Joe grimaced as the fertility sculpture burned, and the incunabula paper mache comprising her took all their info with it.

gellaho

How, exactly, is a building "low-slung"

FancyShark

Means basement

Brendan

These are teenage boys, and they're not using this time machine to go plow history's sexiest sexsters.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

When its hanging from a larger, inverted L shaped building.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Who needs real women when you've got Frazetta frescoes of brass bikinis

FancyShark

History would be replaced by a series of explosions

gellaho

Brilliant detectives

Brendan

They could go back to Hyboria!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It's not already?

FancyShark

Joe's curse would explode Hyboria!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

How easy it would be to crush ass as a futureperson? Like you are physically more fit, smell better, better educated, and have a sack with assorted bottles of spices.

Brendan

6' tall and have all your teeth, you could sell yourself as Apollo.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Then they call you a witch and murder you for being too clean

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Nobody else would get any until you fucked off to someplace else.

gellaho

Crom would tremble before the might of Joe

FancyShark

The Riddle of Hardy

gellaho

Fancy VCR

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hang on. How do we know it's not Joe's skeleton in that tomb where Conan found his sword

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh man I want a Hardy Boys vs Thoth Amon.

gellaho

I've already solved The Riddle of Steele

FancyShark

Did the skull break?

gellaho

It's the human penis

gellaho

Because Joe can't die, duh

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh of course, my mistake

gellaho

Anyway, back to this idiot

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

The best part about crossovers is when the respective properties do not interact

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Rob.

gellaho

Picture the carcasses, children!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Hey, kids. Imagine your favorite dinosaurs. Now imagine them dying in a drift of radioactive ash."

gellaho

Why are you crying, kids?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Their flesh and bones picked by the scavenging mammals that will eventually evolve into primates."

FancyShark

Remember, kids: it's like We're Back, except this is what happened to all their friends the scientist abandoned!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Jesus Christ, ghostwriter.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Clutches faded copy of Dinotopia and sobs

LyraV

Tom felt nothing as usual.

Brendan

They pinpoint the exact time the dinosaurs died and all anyone can think is "Mr. President, you shall name ME your eminence gris!"

The sci-fi in this book is so high above the qualities we're used to around here.

gellaho

Why are you crying? Isn't it fun?

FancyShark

Littlefoot has a distended belly! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, CHILDREN?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Fucking hell, put them out of their misery, Tom! They shoot horses too, don't they?!

gellaho

I'm sure the people in the future we'll be very appreciative of that fun fact when they've been given over to a despot obsessed with Tom Swift's mother

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Still not as traumatic as that part of Fantasia that had a battle between a stegosaur and a Rex.

FancyShark

🫂

gellaho

And now: some strange similes about the sun

Brendan

The Land Before Time but After Hope

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

That part was upsetting, I much preferred Night on Bald Mountain or that part where that alligator clearly wants to fuck that hippo ballerina.

gellaho

No shit

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom is such a dipshit for a genius.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"Uhhhh, so THAT happened!"

gellaho

The magic machine can also drill

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Who's benefit is he even being a wiseass for in this scene, ghostwriter? Rob is a robot, he doesnt appreciate it.

FancyShark

On the way home, Tom visits the Trail of Tears, Nanking, and the Tickle Me Elmo holiday season

LyraV

I keep seeing TANC as TALC

gellaho

Tom loading up

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Steals Beanie Baby stock so his remaining collection rises in value.

FancyShark

Groovy

gellaho

Ah, it's the TASER

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh kick ass, lightning shotgun?!

FancyShark

Hell yes. Lightning shotty

gellaho

LyraV

Someone tell Big Lenny about the electric rifle.

FancyShark

Tom's gonna Borderlands this bitch

gellaho

Loose is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Tom Alan Swift's Electric Rifle

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom Asshole Swift Electric Rifle

FancyShark

Tom And Some Electric Rifle

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom And Sons Electric Rifle.

FancyShark

Tom Arnold's Sweet Electric Rifle

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Not to be confused with Tom and Sons Erotic Rifle.

gellaho

Sure, someone else followed him

FancyShark

He must've hid behind the Renaissance

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fuck you.

Fuck you book.

You better reveal the gunman is Dr. Dinosaur.

gellaho

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahahha sweet.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Did she fucking materialize in like a hologram? How the heck did she get there so fast

FancyShark

Wait, they have holograms

gellaho

What a perfectly natural reaction, Sandra

gellaho

I'm always licking my lips when conflicted

Brendan

She shot them with a SASER.

Nobody expected Sandra to be Black Dragon.

gellaho

It really weirds out the people when I'm ordering at McDonald's

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

These days they think you're doing a Joker impression and just roll their eyes.

gellaho

Vroom

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

So how long were they time traveling for? Three or four days?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Booo you didnt take Sandra on a time jaunt? Girls love joyriding in time machines, Joe.

No wonder you're still single.

gellaho

Hmmm, is this one of the ones I've read

LyraV

I would be surprised if it's not.

FancyShark

Doesn't sound familiar

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hahah they fucking found Eddie Winter

FancyShark

Only New York one I remember is Bad Rap

gellaho

There were at least 60 at this time

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Man I want them to visit the Morlocks of the 30s and Frank to be covered in hallucinatory scorpions.

gellaho

I think I'm confusing it with the end of that Phoenix trilogy where they stowed away back to America and pretended to be immigrants being ferried by he bad guys

Things that would already be decades old

Brendan

If you seduce a woman in a year when she's married, technically she's still a virgin back in the present. That's in the Time Bible.

gellaho

What wonders of the past

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I can't wait for these two to get arrested for shitty counterfeiting when they try to buy shit with their Current Year money

LyraV

I'm going to have to miss some because I'm not sure of the schedule out here and don't want to miss feeding the chickens ect before dark, I was warned there are actual mountain lions? so I'm not fucking with that. Be back asap

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh shit, hurry back!

gellaho

Okay, Frank

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Boooo, let your characters get into drama, book!

gellaho

Just like The Black Dragon to send a rough customer

Brendan

It's 1932, just buy like 20 copies of Famous Funnies and rent a bank deposit box for 60 years.

gellaho

Or old Hardy Boys

Brendan

...oh good lord, that means the first appearance of Ghost Rider is 2023's Famous Funnies.

FancyShark

Who the hell would buy a Hardy Boys book?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

Only a sick fuck

Joe doing all the seduction

FancyShark

Thank god. Joe's backup plan was headbutt

Brendan

If you went back in time and didn't give these people superflu, you would absolutely get slapped for saying something offensive like "How's it hanging?" or "What the heck."

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Tom swift ruined the 1930s with all his time travel, now history is woke enough to let women work in comic shops 🤓 😡

gellaho

Them trying out 30s is still more up to date than that book from 1980

FancyShark

Guys, if you have a twenty, I think you can buy a house

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Golly wilikers fellas.

gellaho

Joe Hardy: more responsible with time than boy genius Tom Swift

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Wonder what that kind of wealth feels like 😔

Tom is an INT build and Joe is a WIS build.

It's like the difference between Mr. Fantastic and… uh… people who aren't Mr. Fantastic.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fuck you are in a bad place when either Hardy boy is more responsible than you.

FancyShark

If you think either of them have a mental stat above 5, you are giving them too much credit

gellaho

TIME UZI

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Fucking finally!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom needs an intervention or possibly a Texas Attitude Adjustment.

FancyShark

So much for the timeline

gellaho

65 million years earlier, in Tennessee

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also........submachine guns were a thing in the 30s lads.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Sixty five million years later, Tennessee will still be a shithole

FancyShark

but with spicy chicken

gellaho

Why even do the TASER bit if he isn't going to use it

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

These nerds think people actually say "psywar" instead of "psychological warfare". Of course they're going to go with the brand name

Tom Asshole Swift Empotent Rage

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Tom you dingus, did you not bring a bulletproof vest or something?!

Dinosaurs definitely had guns.

Brendan

Chekhov's TASER only has a half-life of 500 pages. After 65 million years it's essentially dust.

gellaho

Hoo boy, that got me good

gellaho

"Call me Steve."

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

How else could the T. rex have made up for its little arms?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Man you really disrespect someone by sending a time assasin named Steve.

Brendan

Jurassic Steve

gellaho

"Never thought that a Steve like me would ever hit the big time"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hahaha is this dude from the 30s? Did they pull an assassin time switcheroo?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

It would have been so much better if Steve was one of Toms employees who got stranded.

gellaho

Black Dragon sending what has to be millions of assassins into the past

Brendan

Standing 65 million years in the past on the carcass of a triceratops, steeling yourself to murder a child for $400 from a guy who won't be born until the mountains are gravel.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Or if the professor from earlier who invented time travel showed up with an eyepatch and mechanical arm and domed Steve.

gellaho

But remember, the time stream is very fragile

Even though it's pretty definitively isn't

FancyShark

Steve-1000

gellaho

Steve out here losing his mind

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"The go back button"

gellaho

Steve out here wanting to kill everyone

gellaho

FancyShark

Steve out here living his own Sound of Thunder

gellaho

The thug named Steve

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Man I cant decide whether Steve is dumber or Mace, because sending an assassin back in time with no way to return is a sure way to make sure your assassin is motivated to NOT do his job.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Fast thinking for Tom is letting a crazy man with a gun cut a whole rambling promo at him

gellaho

And you really want to do that with a ton of dudes too

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

But Steve is not taking into account he is a dingus and maybe cant operate Toms time tankvan without Tom?

But I kind of expect that from a man who calls it the "go back button"

gellaho

No, goddammit, go for the electric rifle

gellaho

It's literally your thing

FancyShark

Dinguses rarely factor their dingosity into anything

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

This is like an episode of GI Joe and nobody is going to get shot.

gellaho

It's the only reason you as a character are at all relevant in the present

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hahaha he's going to smash him with a styrofoam rock like Kirk

gellaho

The heavy crack of Steve's rifle

Ozzie

If only Tom had some sort of rifle of his own.

gellaho

Steve was immediately in the crack

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It's almost like dude was supposed to snipe you instead of close the distance and monologue at you

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Yeah he seems the type

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Some kind of firearm, maybe powered by a natural force like gravity or something.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Like, it's a fucking bolt action, dude. He's probably not military trained. Just wait til he's in the middle of a reload and fucking rush him.

gellaho

Big mistake swift Tom

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Your only hope is to climb up and eat shit again. Definitely. We're not all watching you ragdoll down the hill and laughing at you. This is the only chance you have for survival.

FancyShark

This is making me miss the ginger psycho from that other Swift book

gellaho

Baby cannon

gellaho

No, I love Steve

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

He shot a fucking baby at him dude

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Swift Tom is what they call anonymous premature ejaculators down at the illegal massage parlors.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

S tier goon

gellaho

Just this idiot running around trying to murder a child

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Not even well.

FancyShark

lol, okay, I'm on board too

gellaho

Why are you crying?

Brendan

Tom listened to all this when he could have just nodded and gone back in time a week to snipe Steve upon arrival.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Well he'd have to get in the van to do that

Brendan

This child must murder a man if he wants to escape the land of dying majestic dinosaurs.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

He's not Kang the Conqueror, for goodness sake. His powers have limits

Brendan

Tom Swift in the Blighted Earth

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

These guys, for reference. Sad and tired, maybe honking like deer.

gellaho

The soft chuckle of Steve

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Little do you know, Steve, Tom Swift outsmarts everyone all the time! Including himself!"

gellaho

How will Tom Swift get out of this one?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Steve will be eaten by a dinosaur by chance.

GIF

gellaho

Well, Steve gets a horrible, mutilating death befitting a supervillian

gellaho

Or, a Steve

Brendan

Gutted him like Jurassic Park had come out last year.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

Steve died as he lived: Steve

Brendan

Time to show Steve...the door

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Before we all got the note that most raptors looked like lizard chickens made of murder.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Rest in power, Steve. We will miss your batshit bumblefuckery

gellaho

This came out first, baby

Rawr

FancyShark

It was an unkind name

gellaho

Is this the end of Tom Swift?

Brendan

Or DID it use a time machine to appear it had?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Another one we found actually probably had feathers.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

This would be the best possible time to jump back to the Hardys

Brendan

Oh dang, that thing will wreck you.

gellaho

It's possible it was in the book first in 1990, but the only thing I remember from that book is how much Michael Crichton clearly hated scientists

gellaho

Zoom zoom

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It might be because we've invoked Chrichton but I really hope we get a dino diamond laser before the end of this book

One full bodied bang is about all I'm good for, too, Fenton

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahah of course Fenton has like some shitty revolver instead of a Tommy gun.

gellaho

So, if Fenton can survive forty gun shots we'll be good

Brendan

When I carve out enough time I'm going to do a Hot Dog about my writing professor's book. He repeatedly told us Crichton was a very smart man and a smarter writer than he, my professor, who also wrote sci-fi.

Timeline sssssssuuuucked

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Calling it now, he's packing a Colt 45

gellaho

Sick

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Or a 1911A1

gellaho

"I'm immortal"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Huh that is the first time I've ever seen anyone call an Uzi high tech.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

High tech for the time. It's still a couple years before the MP40, after all

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also Joe is correct, bullets have never affected either of them directly.

For all they know bullets are made of marshmallows and everyone else is allergic.

Brendan

even a 1930s gangster declines a Mac-10

gellaho

Frank chokes the man out

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Silent Takedowns are so fucking busted, dude

FancyShark

"I don't think rushing him will lead to oral sex, Frank"

"Shut up, Joe"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh cool, Frank Hardy invented BJJ spontaneously in the 1930s.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Good thing nobody ever goes down the storm drains, that Uzi will be safe and sound exactly where it is

Ozzie

How the fuck do you dropkick the hand of a man wrestling around on the ground?

gellaho

Try and guess what the Battle is for

FancyShark

Ages

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also some sewer dwelling 30s urchin is gonna find that gun and become King of America.

WHAT GUN DID YOU BUY FENTON? Inquiring minds want to know!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Battle of the Dome

FancyShark

A gun

gellaho

FancyShark

Hahaha

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

MICROWAVE WARRRR

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah.

gellaho

The goon does not appreciate this meta humor

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Prof Wilder

Not a professor, that's just his actual first name

Brendan

Microwaves' WHAT?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yeah like Dr. Doctor Bliss.

gellaho

Boy, that is petty

FancyShark

It's like Battle Bots, but slower paced

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Hahaha Fenton's so fucking cool. Trolling the big bad with fucking pulp fiction

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah literary burn from the past, that fucking rules.