gellaho
Better moisten those lips, Frank
#1 A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller
Better moisten those lips, Frank
I too wish to communicate with my sons across the gulfs of time via Frazetta-esque magazine covers.
Black Dragon is on a Fenton hunt
How and why?
Stop asking questions
Black Dragon owns all magazines and thus is hyper sensitive to time tampering
Oh, hell yes, the boys are going to steal some time machines
Suck it, Swift
Oh I figured they could know when he chronoported to and just needed a more specific clue to track him down and just like old magazines.
Hahahaha please let Joe seduce Sandra into giving them access to a time machine.
"We might never get another shot at a time machine"
I want Tom to get back and find his science dome overrun by raptors and time clones of Fenton Hardy.
Zeman howled in his manacles. "Unhand my Book-Wife!" Frank and Joe grimaced as the fertility sculpture burned, and the incunabula paper mache comprising her took all their info with it.
How, exactly, is a building "low-slung"
Means basement
These are teenage boys, and they're not using this time machine to go plow history's sexiest sexsters.
When its hanging from a larger, inverted L shaped building.
Who needs real women when you've got Frazetta frescoes of brass bikinis
History would be replaced by a series of explosions
Brilliant detectives
They could go back to Hyboria!
It's not already?
Joe's curse would explode Hyboria!
How easy it would be to crush ass as a futureperson? Like you are physically more fit, smell better, better educated, and have a sack with assorted bottles of spices.
6' tall and have all your teeth, you could sell yourself as Apollo.
Then they call you a witch and murder you for being too clean
Nobody else would get any until you fucked off to someplace else.
Crom would tremble before the might of Joe
The Riddle of Hardy
Fancy VCR
Hang on. How do we know it's not Joe's skeleton in that tomb where Conan found his sword
Oh man I want a Hardy Boys vs Thoth Amon.
I've already solved The Riddle of Steele
Did the skull break?
It's the human penis
Because Joe can't die, duh
Oh of course, my mistake
Anyway, back to this idiot
GIF
The best part about crossovers is when the respective properties do not interact
Fuckin Rob.
Picture the carcasses, children!
"Hey, kids. Imagine your favorite dinosaurs. Now imagine them dying in a drift of radioactive ash."
Why are you crying, kids?
"Their flesh and bones picked by the scavenging mammals that will eventually evolve into primates."
Remember, kids: it's like We're Back, except this is what happened to all their friends the scientist abandoned!
Jesus Christ, ghostwriter.
Clutches faded copy of Dinotopia and sobs
Tom felt nothing as usual.
They pinpoint the exact time the dinosaurs died and all anyone can think is "Mr. President, you shall name ME your eminence gris!"
The sci-fi in this book is so high above the qualities we're used to around here.
Why are you crying? Isn't it fun?
Littlefoot has a distended belly! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, CHILDREN?
Fucking hell, put them out of their misery, Tom! They shoot horses too, don't they?!
I'm sure the people in the future we'll be very appreciative of that fun fact when they've been given over to a despot obsessed with Tom Swift's mother
Still not as traumatic as that part of Fantasia that had a battle between a stegosaur and a Rex.
🫂
And now: some strange similes about the sun
The Land Before Time but After Hope
That part was upsetting, I much preferred Night on Bald Mountain or that part where that alligator clearly wants to fuck that hippo ballerina.
No shit
Tom is such a dipshit for a genius.
"Uhhhh, so THAT happened!"
The magic machine can also drill
Who's benefit is he even being a wiseass for in this scene, ghostwriter? Rob is a robot, he doesnt appreciate it.
On the way home, Tom visits the Trail of Tears, Nanking, and the Tickle Me Elmo holiday season
I keep seeing TANC as TALC
Tom loading up
Steals Beanie Baby stock so his remaining collection rises in value.
Groovy
Ah, it's the TASER
Oh kick ass, lightning shotgun?!
Hell yes. Lightning shotty
Someone tell Big Lenny about the electric rifle.
Tom's gonna Borderlands this bitch
Loose is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence
Tom Alan Swift's Electric Rifle
Tom Asshole Swift Electric Rifle
Tom And Some Electric Rifle
Tom And Sons Electric Rifle.
Tom Arnold's Sweet Electric Rifle
Not to be confused with Tom and Sons Erotic Rifle.
Sure, someone else followed him
He must've hid behind the Renaissance
Fuck you.
Fuck you book.
You better reveal the gunman is Dr. Dinosaur.
Hahahahha sweet.
Did she fucking materialize in like a hologram? How the heck did she get there so fast
Wait, they have holograms
What a perfectly natural reaction, Sandra
I'm always licking my lips when conflicted
She shot them with a SASER.
Nobody expected Sandra to be Black Dragon.
It really weirds out the people when I'm ordering at McDonald's
These days they think you're doing a Joker impression and just roll their eyes.
Vroom
So how long were they time traveling for? Three or four days?
Booo you didnt take Sandra on a time jaunt? Girls love joyriding in time machines, Joe.
No wonder you're still single.
Hmmm, is this one of the ones I've read
I would be surprised if it's not.
Doesn't sound familiar
Hahah they fucking found Eddie Winter
Only New York one I remember is Bad Rap
There were at least 60 at this time
Man I want them to visit the Morlocks of the 30s and Frank to be covered in hallucinatory scorpions.
I think I'm confusing it with the end of that Phoenix trilogy where they stowed away back to America and pretended to be immigrants being ferried by he bad guys
Things that would already be decades old
If you seduce a woman in a year when she's married, technically she's still a virgin back in the present. That's in the Time Bible.
What wonders of the past
I can't wait for these two to get arrested for shitty counterfeiting when they try to buy shit with their Current Year money
I'm going to have to miss some because I'm not sure of the schedule out here and don't want to miss feeding the chickens ect before dark, I was warned there are actual mountain lions? so I'm not fucking with that. Be back asap
Oh shit, hurry back!
Okay, Frank
Boooo, let your characters get into drama, book!
Just like The Black Dragon to send a rough customer
It's 1932, just buy like 20 copies of Famous Funnies and rent a bank deposit box for 60 years.
Or old Hardy Boys
...oh good lord, that means the first appearance of Ghost Rider is 2023's Famous Funnies.
Who the hell would buy a Hardy Boys book?
GIF
Only a sick fuck
Joe doing all the seduction
Thank god. Joe's backup plan was headbutt
If you went back in time and didn't give these people superflu, you would absolutely get slapped for saying something offensive like "How's it hanging?" or "What the heck."
Tom swift ruined the 1930s with all his time travel, now history is woke enough to let women work in comic shops 🤓 😡
Them trying out 30s is still more up to date than that book from 1980
Guys, if you have a twenty, I think you can buy a house
Golly wilikers fellas.
Joe Hardy: more responsible with time than boy genius Tom Swift
Wonder what that kind of wealth feels like 😔
Tom is an INT build and Joe is a WIS build.
It's like the difference between Mr. Fantastic and… uh… people who aren't Mr. Fantastic.
Fuck you are in a bad place when either Hardy boy is more responsible than you.
If you think either of them have a mental stat above 5, you are giving them too much credit
TIME UZI
Fucking finally!
Tom needs an intervention or possibly a Texas Attitude Adjustment.
So much for the timeline
65 million years earlier, in Tennessee
Also........submachine guns were a thing in the 30s lads.
Sixty five million years later, Tennessee will still be a shithole
but with spicy chicken
Why even do the TASER bit if he isn't going to use it
These nerds think people actually say "psywar" instead of "psychological warfare". Of course they're going to go with the brand name
Tom Asshole Swift Empotent Rage
Tom you dingus, did you not bring a bulletproof vest or something?!
Dinosaurs definitely had guns.
Chekhov's TASER only has a half-life of 500 pages. After 65 million years it's essentially dust.
Hoo boy, that got me good
"Call me Steve."
How else could the T. rex have made up for its little arms?
Man you really disrespect someone by sending a time assasin named Steve.
Jurassic Steve
"Never thought that a Steve like me would ever hit the big time"
Hahaha is this dude from the 30s? Did they pull an assassin time switcheroo?
It would have been so much better if Steve was one of Toms employees who got stranded.
Black Dragon sending what has to be millions of assassins into the past
Standing 65 million years in the past on the carcass of a triceratops, steeling yourself to murder a child for $400 from a guy who won't be born until the mountains are gravel.
Or if the professor from earlier who invented time travel showed up with an eyepatch and mechanical arm and domed Steve.
But remember, the time stream is very fragile
Even though it's pretty definitively isn't
Steve-1000
Steve out here losing his mind
"The go back button"
Steve out here wanting to kill everyone
Steve out here living his own Sound of Thunder
The thug named Steve
Man I cant decide whether Steve is dumber or Mace, because sending an assassin back in time with no way to return is a sure way to make sure your assassin is motivated to NOT do his job.
Fast thinking for Tom is letting a crazy man with a gun cut a whole rambling promo at him
And you really want to do that with a ton of dudes too
But Steve is not taking into account he is a dingus and maybe cant operate Toms time tankvan without Tom?
But I kind of expect that from a man who calls it the "go back button"
No, goddammit, go for the electric rifle
It's literally your thing
Dinguses rarely factor their dingosity into anything
This is like an episode of GI Joe and nobody is going to get shot.
It's the only reason you as a character are at all relevant in the present
Hahaha he's going to smash him with a styrofoam rock like Kirk
The heavy crack of Steve's rifle
If only Tom had some sort of rifle of his own.
Steve was immediately in the crack
It's almost like dude was supposed to snipe you instead of close the distance and monologue at you
Yeah he seems the type
Some kind of firearm, maybe powered by a natural force like gravity or something.
Like, it's a fucking bolt action, dude. He's probably not military trained. Just wait til he's in the middle of a reload and fucking rush him.
Big mistake swift Tom
Your only hope is to climb up and eat shit again. Definitely. We're not all watching you ragdoll down the hill and laughing at you. This is the only chance you have for survival.
This is making me miss the ginger psycho from that other Swift book
Baby cannon
No, I love Steve
He shot a fucking baby at him dude
Swift Tom is what they call anonymous premature ejaculators down at the illegal massage parlors.
S tier goon
Just this idiot running around trying to murder a child
Not even well.
lol, okay, I'm on board too
Why are you crying?
Tom listened to all this when he could have just nodded and gone back in time a week to snipe Steve upon arrival.
Well he'd have to get in the van to do that
This child must murder a man if he wants to escape the land of dying majestic dinosaurs.
He's not Kang the Conqueror, for goodness sake. His powers have limits
Tom Swift in the Blighted Earth
These guys, for reference. Sad and tired, maybe honking like deer.
The soft chuckle of Steve
"Little do you know, Steve, Tom Swift outsmarts everyone all the time! Including himself!"
How will Tom Swift get out of this one?
Steve will be eaten by a dinosaur by chance.
GIF
Well, Steve gets a horrible, mutilating death befitting a supervillian
Or, a Steve
Gutted him like Jurassic Park had come out last year.
GIF
Steve died as he lived: Steve
Time to show Steve...the door
Before we all got the note that most raptors looked like lizard chickens made of murder.
Rest in power, Steve. We will miss your batshit bumblefuckery
This came out first, baby
Rawr
It was an unkind name
Is this the end of Tom Swift?
Or DID it use a time machine to appear it had?
Another one we found actually probably had feathers.
This would be the best possible time to jump back to the Hardys
Oh dang, that thing will wreck you.
It's possible it was in the book first in 1990, but the only thing I remember from that book is how much Michael Crichton clearly hated scientists
Zoom zoom
It might be because we've invoked Chrichton but I really hope we get a dino diamond laser before the end of this book
One full bodied bang is about all I'm good for, too, Fenton
Hahahah of course Fenton has like some shitty revolver instead of a Tommy gun.
So, if Fenton can survive forty gun shots we'll be good
When I carve out enough time I'm going to do a Hot Dog about my writing professor's book. He repeatedly told us Crichton was a very smart man and a smarter writer than he, my professor, who also wrote sci-fi.
Timeline sssssssuuuucked
GIF
Calling it now, he's packing a Colt 45
Sick
Or a 1911A1
"I'm immortal"
Huh that is the first time I've ever seen anyone call an Uzi high tech.
High tech for the time. It's still a couple years before the MP40, after all
Also Joe is correct, bullets have never affected either of them directly.
For all they know bullets are made of marshmallows and everyone else is allergic.
even a 1930s gangster declines a Mac-10
Frank chokes the man out
Silent Takedowns are so fucking busted, dude
"I don't think rushing him will lead to oral sex, Frank"
"Shut up, Joe"
Oh cool, Frank Hardy invented BJJ spontaneously in the 1930s.
Good thing nobody ever goes down the storm drains, that Uzi will be safe and sound exactly where it is
How the fuck do you dropkick the hand of a man wrestling around on the ground?
Try and guess what the Battle is for
Ages
Also some sewer dwelling 30s urchin is gonna find that gun and become King of America.
WHAT GUN DID YOU BUY FENTON? Inquiring minds want to know!
Battle of the Dome
A gun
Hahaha
MICROWAVE WARRRR
Fuck yeah.
The goon does not appreciate this meta humor
Prof Wilder
Not a professor, that's just his actual first name
Microwaves' WHAT?
Yeah like Dr. Doctor Bliss.
Boy, that is petty
It's like Battle Bots, but slower paced
Hahaha Fenton's so fucking cool. Trolling the big bad with fucking pulp fiction
Hahahahah literary burn from the past, that fucking rules.