Tags: The Year of Pain, Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew
Frank and Joe Hardy were living a perfect life with their family in Bayport, a small, New England resort-town on the Atlantic - until an unexpected death threw their entire existence into turmoil. Now the Hardy Boys are headed down a much darker path - one that will lead them right into the seedy, crooked heart of their hometown - and with a mysterious figure from their past as a guide...
These are the teen detectives as you've never seen them before!
Archive
gellaho
Taking something that is written for children and making it "for adults" is among the most creatively bankrupt things you can do.
The laziest way of going about it, of course, is the edgelord path with tons of violence or sex or both. But there are as many ways to do it wrong as there are stars in the sky.
That is what we will be exploring in a miniseries of The Book Cage entitled: "Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew."
The Book Cage: Episode 94 - Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew: Part 1 - The Big Lie
First up, we have the first in a series of comics that are perfectly designed to irritate me. The Big Lie is a lot of things. It's a neo-noir, because that is the least effort way to adult-up a mystery series for children. It focuses on issues to solidify it in 2011. It flashes up white knight beacons because the guy really, really wants you to know he's cool. Also: it's the Avengers of Stratemeyer Syndicate characters. All your favorites are here: The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Tom Swift, uh...The Bobbsey Twins, and The Rover Boys? You know, The Rover Boys? All that and more coming up in The Big Lie, this Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Ooh
FancyShark
The Chet threesome better be tastefully done
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I'm actually going to be getting my tattoo finished up on Friday at 5 (if it takes that long).
I'll have to ask for their wifi password 😝
gellaho
Everyone has a tragic backstory in this, and none of the Hardy Boys extended universe shows up, so I'm guessing they're all dead
FancyShark
Is Joe still immortal?
Does Frank still not fuck?
I won't ask if Tom Swift is still the worst. That's universal.
gellaho
What they do with Tom Swift is something
gellaho
Something hilarious does happen to Frank, but I think it's in the sequel: The Death of Nancy Drew
I think mostly Joe just mopes about how much he loves Nancy Drew, because that's what everyone does
It's an incredibly irritating comic
FancyShark
I can't wait
Agent of Fortune
I'm surprised that didn't straight up kill you
GDC
It's not by the artist of the other hardy boys comics, is it?
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Oh man I have to try to make this one
gellaho
Coming up at the top of the hour it's Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys: The Big Lie. Try your best to read this preview
gellaho
You are all the ultimate femme fatales
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh fuck, I completely missed it was Friday
Agent of Fortune
It's what
gellaho
And read this letter from the author who thinks 1927 to 2017 is 75 years
Ramb$ne
Harday
Agent of Fortune
Time works differently in Canada
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I trust a dude who looks like this to have his finger on the pulse of the teen detective experience
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The blank, disinterested stare is how you know he's a master of his craft
FancyShark
"They have to adapt to get to the bottom of the most personal crime possible - the death of a parent"
Anthony, Fenton has died more times than a Dark Souls character
Agent of Fortune
Looks like JJ Abrams
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh fuck he sure does.
We might be in trouble here gang
FancyShark
I'm sure @gellaho wouldn't harm us during the...[checks notes]...Year of Pain
Ramb$ne
Plus it's not French
gellaho
He's probably visited Quebec
gellaho
Couldn't possibly be the most annoying thing I've ever read
That's the sequel
FancyShark
We've already read the dumbest thing you've ever read, so now we need new categories
gellaho
It's harder and harder to get superlatives
Agent of Fortune
Sexy sharks?
FancyShark
I think Psychodrome still holds the title of "sharkiest"
"ol' san antone" jakesy
All I know based on this convo is that Nancy better have some bangin' DDs or nobody's going to be interested
gellaho
The eBay seller I bought these from thought it was important to double bag these
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I bet the artist really thought he had something with those streetlight eyes until he started drawing them
gellaho
Their patient wrapping resulted in $7
FancyShark
Worth it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wow this Swamp Thing reboot looks really cool.
gellaho
Time to begin the process
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha it looks even worse out of the plastic wrapping
FancyShark
Salvador Nanci
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's like if you wanted to subtly hint that the hardy boys did 9/11
gellaho
Payport: The City Without Eyes
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
well, the art at least looks better than the last hardy boys comic
Agent of Fortune
Art has kind of a Steve Lieber look but not good
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
IT FEELS LIKE TIME DOESN'T MOVE IN THIS SETTING DO YOU GET IT LUL SO META
FancyShark
"Stuff like which streetlights have timers and which work on a sensors."
gellaho
No, Anthony, they've encountered murder before
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Someone spilled their tomato soup all over Missus McCabernathy!!
FancyShark
"We had more photos, but they were all of my kid's birthday party. The disposable camera was almost used up when the guy died."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man it really sucks when I'm looking at pictures of murder victims and my skin turns a weird green.
gellaho
"I loved that man." - something a son says about a father
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's really funny that this dude is trying to sell us a dark and twisted Hardy boys when they've already foiled like two nuclear terror plots
gellaho
The difference is this one removes all the fun
FancyShark
Fenton's pranks are getting grimmer
Agent of Fortune
That is not great art
I don't have anything clever to say about it, it's just shitty looking
FancyShark
"I've loved many men. But that man? I loved him the most."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"We have no motive, just because he kind of faked his death a couple times to teach us a lesson about vigilance, and also shot at Joe's birthday cake, and kept making Fenton/fentanyl jokes......."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Of all the things to steal from Batman you steal the journaling text boxes in place of thought balloons
Agent of Fortune
Thought balloons have been out of style for a while now to be fair
gellaho
In the first of many pointless race swaps, here's Chief Collig. They will get weirder as this goes on
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's like andrea sorrentino's art put through a pop filter
Agent of Fortune
If by pop filter, you mean garbage disposal
FancyShark
Chief Collig looks like he just got out of diapers
gellaho
Frank: police expert
Agent of Fortune
But yeah, they are definitely going for a Brubaker/Rucka artist style
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Comics generally work best when the page is half dialogue
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha he's even tenting his fingers like an anime villain. Fuck this book
gellaho
What does he look like now?
FancyShark
Guernica
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this ain't some kinda Hardy Boys Casefiles: Bad Rap
Agent of Fortune
Is this going to have some sort of bullshit fight club twist where it turns out that Frank and Joe are just split personalities in the same person
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yul Brynner run through a car crusher
Agent of Fortune
Fuck it totally is, isn't it?
gellaho
THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S HARDY BOYS, THIS IS REAL
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's like someone tried to draw lance reddick while having a stroke
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Ahhhhhh my face
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Teen adventure" he says to the dude who in one of those "teen adventures" had to fight an international gang, and one of whom had to have a kung fu duel with the dad of a hot girl he was trying to hook up with.
FancyShark
The delicate circuitry in Frank's face is damaged now
gellaho
Not the smartest app on the phone
Agent of Fortune
Also, one of them had their girlfriend blown up
FancyShark
Shit. This guy's been talking to Charles Boyce
"ol' san antone" jakesy
To be fair almost every computer is an explosive device in this universe
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He was lookin kinda dumb with his finger and his thumb in the shape of a Verified checkmark on his forehead
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Lots of shit gets blown up
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah what? You two dipshits and your dad have always been dangerous extralegal vigilantes, what?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the writer can't decide if he wants collig to speak with an AAVE accent or not
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's fighting the phonetic accent instinct so hard
gellaho
The old days, when our parents were shadow apparitions and we were possessed ventriloquist dummies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Faces are so hard, yall.
Agent of Fortune
A small online business
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Perfect blocking, no notes, can't wait for the finished lines
FancyShark
Those small online businesses of an idyllic childhood
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she was into crypto, she was killed for her apes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Mom invented the Nigerian Prince grift, it was the best time."
gellaho
We had friends
FancyShark
So many friends
"ol' san antone" jakesy
I swear people liked us
FancyShark
Just
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
2 whole friends, more than anyone on the planet
FancyShark
Look at them all
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
We had a Chet and an unexploded Iola!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
One even had sweet pink flats they coordinated with their pants. Who else can say the same
gellaho
Anonymous females in the desert during a sandstorm
FancyShark
One Chet is worth a thousand lesser friends. Which is what Iola was reduced to.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Good old Burning Man.
FancyShark
Redhead
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
someone seems to have absconded with her pants
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"No problems in the girlfriend department" sounds like a thing youd report someone to HR for saying about the mail room running smoothly.
Brendan
Greetings, standard "I'm watching movies for work" disclaimer, what's the premise?
gellaho
Taken by the blank badge squad
FancyShark
Hardy Boys Noir!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Blank badge, blank face, all cop.
Brendan
Do you know what I would give to meet an anonymous redhead at Burning Man?
Agent of Fortune
Guess he was the turkey waiting to be served makes me so, so mad
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this has all the try-hard energy of a gritty 90s reboot
Brendan
Come, fair lady, take shelter in the shade of my form.
gellaho
"I will do everything in my power not to draw a face"
Brendan
"tips fedora, and smaller, dick-fedora, and not wearing anything else except black socks and sandals."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A bag of mushrooms, three pot brownies, and a two liter jug of fresh squeezed orange juice.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I just noticed something: why does nobody wear socks
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They're of the devil
FancyShark
Sock folds take more effort
Or it's to show they're chill
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They got the Rob Liefeld of faces for this one.
gellaho
Or mailmen
Or trash collectors
Or weathermen
FancyShark
Or most people, come to think of it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Small towns love criminals, you just cant get caught
FancyShark
Except Bad Cop Carl. Everyone loves that guy
To be fair, Carl is the ice cream man and just has a weird name
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
small town law enforcement is like 90% corruption and 10% heart disease wtf is this guy talkiing about
gellaho
We started to believe it. Unrelated, here's Joe pointing
Brendan
Fenton Hardy: illicit photo distributor
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SEE!
The Boys Hardy's Doubt!
FancyShark
Joe looks like he's sprinting into the wind
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
FEEL!
The author's contempt for this premise!
gellaho
TAKE MY HARDY BOYS ART SERIOUSLY
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
joe's just made he has the hairline of someone in their mid 30s
FancyShark
WONDER!
If this narrative can go anywhere worthwhile!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Aw man, they killed Jack Palance
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
had to save all that face drawing for this one page
FancyShark
Or Bill Paxton
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"More lines!" in comics is the equivalent of getting "More acting!!" from Godfrey Ho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man the artist drew a really good Unshaven Bill Paxtion With Neck Problem.
FancyShark
"The one time Dad managed to shoot what he aimed at"
gellaho
The Bobbsey Twins, eh? Anybody remember? Anyone 80 years old to appreciate this Stratemeyer Syndicate crossover?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
HEY
I RECOGNIZE THAT PINK HAIRED GIRL
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Everyone saw you just standing in the middle of the party with your fists clenched glaring at nothing. Even for the time they all thought it was weird."
FancyShark
Eyes are the faces of the face. So I will not draw them
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
THAT'S MAX FROM BATMAN BEYOND
gellaho
Then they fight for no reason
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Nan and Bert" sound like a prewar married couple who invite everyone in the neighborhood to their cook out and kind of start dropping hints that they swing.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why does frank have a relatively consistent shaggy-haired look but Joe has a different short hairstyle for every page?
gellaho
Well, they were invented in 1904
FancyShark
So you see, boys, by failing to honor your brother, you were punished with the death of your father
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Swinging grandparents.
gellaho
Frank gets hit again for being a smart-ass
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Frank really looks like a smarmy ass 5 year old in these panels
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
how old is frank supposed to be?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Which tbh just makes me want to see him get hit more.
FancyShark
19
gellaho
Just a great use of the space
Brendan
Detective, the tape shows you slapping a child witness/
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Let's check in with Baby Homelander!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is our interrogation broom closet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Much as I appreciate seeing a Hardy boy get slapped around, they should have their lawyer present.
FancyShark
Det. Peterson looks like his mom just told him the trip to Disneyland is canceled
gellaho
NO FACES
NO EYES
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
YEAH KICK THAT TEENS ASS PETERSON!
FancyShark
Frank Dies At The End
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
intent: sinister
outcome: hairy
gellaho
Very next panel, draw him like a newspaper cartoon
gellaho
Why not
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Inspector Daddy Warbucks
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah he morphed into Billy Batson all grown up!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
his suit is suddenly quite ill-fitting
gellaho
Joe just hanging out with the lesbians
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Holy shit it really is Homelander.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but hanging out with lesbians is rad.
So great idea, Joe.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"I can't believe they invited Noodle-Arms McGee back there but not me"
Brendan
JUSTICE is my lawyer
gellaho
Then Anthony's attempts at seeming cool and relatable are working
Hopefully you will not regret this
FancyShark
Uh huh. I'll put you down as "self representation" until the public defender gets here.
gellaho
Meet black Tom Swift
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
his dick, joe
gellaho
Black Tom Swift will have a lot of hilarious reveals later
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh. Oh uh oh.
Brendan
I hung out in a lesbian bar for an hour once before I realized I was just the lone SWM sitting by himself like a creep.
In my defense I was first person there for 20 minutes.
FancyShark
"He spoke in puzzles. One time he called me up and just yelled sudoku at me for ten minutes"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
POV: you are Joe Hardy
gellaho
It's more stupid than offensive
Brendan
GIF
gellaho
But it's not not offensive
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"Wanna make out?" Tom said quizzically. Could never read that guy.
gellaho
Joe walks into a room, it takes half a page
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Are they standing in peepee
Brendan
It must horrify him to know how many cops are killing people with his electric rifle
FancyShark
The stately 20000 square foot library in their suburban home
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
cozy library with a fireplace and there's not a couple making out in it? this party sucks
gellaho
Joe is turning into an elf
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
By Azura by Azura by Azura!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
look ma, I swapped hands!
FancyShark
"I waved, my thumb completely not giving a shit where it was"
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Man this art is rough
gellaho
A mysterious female figure hides in a clock
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
What........the fuck is his hand doing?
gellaho
I wonder if there is a female character closely associated with clocks related to these two
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Rob Liefeld of Faces and Hands.
gellaho
Possibly on the cover of this very book
FancyShark
The time and weather lady on the phone!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Writer saw there was a Nancy Drew book called "Secret of the Old Clock" and decided he'd struck metanarrative gold
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I have to wonder: has the writer ever spoken to a teenager
FancyShark
No. By court order.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh god please let it be a gender swapped Clock King.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh yeah. He thought this was fucking genius foreshadowing.
God I want to punch him so bad.
gellaho
Maybe try a different way of drawing Tom
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
dude at least look at the page for your "I'm totally reading this" mug shot
FancyShark
Tom is become a turtle
gellaho
Consistency is hard
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so is perspective
FancyShark
Defiance is the best way to get cops to cooperate
gellaho
What a great page
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Half the time they draw that cop like he's a fucking Reticulan wearing a human mask and its wild.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Comics are like jazz in that it's all about the panels that you don't hear
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Holy shit, what if that was the Grey Man the whole time
FancyShark
Every time we read one of these knock off stories, the only thing the author can think to do is make the Hardys hate each other
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this doesn't look like any small town police station I've ever seen
ours is a little brick building barely larger than a garage
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bayport police are exceptionally well funded.
FancyShark
Ours looks like a library
gellaho
Should I draw the black man with gigantic feet and playing basketball? Can't see why not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hardy related terrorism is on the rise, after all.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
add "basketball" to "list of things this artist can't draw for shit"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Ours is in the basement of the town offices which itself looks like a multi-story house.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's very clearly an orange tennis ball.
FancyShark
Also "bulletin boards"
gellaho
What you want to do is make an old reference, then comment on how old that reference is
FancyShark
You're right, Joe
gellaho
Then no one can criticize you
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh come on you can't make your character look hard when they're a young adult at a malt shop
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Drowning his sorrows in a strawberry phosphate.
gellaho
You know how text messages look
FancyShark
"Barkeep, gimme another double chocolate"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this would almost be parody if it weren't trying so hard to take itself seriously
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You can tell they're good detectives because they need to have all their leads spoonfed to them from offscreen.
FancyShark
Linda Everyone, in a rare appearance
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Blind pig moment, them getting a solid lead from a Twitter clone.
gellaho
Just look at all this nothing
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
Two pages to walk in the back of a restaurant
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P0_f5fkrCTA
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddam, its like the artist was trying to make a really boring storyboard for a movie but made a boring comic instead when he got told "This movie is boring."
gellaho
Need all that lead up for your edgy Nancy Drew appearance
FancyShark
There's a clear line between "minimalism" and "not trying" and this creative team sprang right over it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The reverse Oblivion
gellaho
They made ten covers for this
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cmon if you're going to make a noir Nancy Drew give her a gun in a shoulder rig, this is basic shit.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ten???
Because the first was so great??
gellaho
I also have one of those. It sucks,
gellaho
We have defeated The Big Lie #1
FancyShark
We did?!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
lmao
Hahahah.
gellaho
Onto The Big Lie #2
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh thank god we can leaveAW FUCK.
gellaho
I don't know if you can notice, but there's a lot of focus on Nancy Drew
FancyShark
It's subtle
gellaho
Let's see if that applies to the story at all
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You can hardly notice her Sin City esque red top on that cover at all.
Because my eyes are blurring so bad at first I thought her top was the red maw of a giant turtle and thought "Oh shit, giant turtle adventure?!" and was disappointed when I looked closer.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I love how it's a big pot but no one has any more chips
gellaho
Special Unthanks to you, Anthony
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If you've posted "stuff" on social media, you can be found liable for this dreck by The Hague
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Is this going to be the one where the boys Nancy Do her?
FancyShark
waaaaaaaaaaait a second
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Casting a wide net so that no one will turn him in
gellaho
Would you take lobster?
FancyShark
This artist did Something Is Killing The Children!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man this comic would be so much cooler if it had a giant lobster attack.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
More like Something Is Killing The Audience
Agent of Fortune
Strong bargain basement Tim Sale energy here
gellaho
I WILL NOT DRAW A FACE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Faces killed his family.
But in the sense that its used in professional wrestling.
The artist just really misunderstood the term.
Agent of Fortune
Fuck you
gellaho
Asian Nancy Drew stepping in for one panel
FancyShark
Seriously!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Top left panel: "Cro Magnon Nancy", bottom right, "Nancy Khan."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nancy Drew with her classic cons
gellaho
Introducing our hero, Nancy Drew using the Hardy Boys for her own devices
FancyShark
I have to assume the artist did not want to do this, because the artwork here is dogshit compared to Something Is Killing The Children
gellaho
Because in this universe, everyone loves Nancy Drew and she will use that to manipulate them
But she is still the good guy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nonsense, just look at those bloated ankles stuffed into those boots
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its a noir story so it needs a deceitful woman and Nancy is practically the only choice.
gellaho
The three seen here as ugly children
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
George and Bess arent smart enough to manipulate anyone, they believe anything.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Something is Caricaturing the Children
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That's not how a magnifying glass works, artist. I know you dont wanna be here but cmon.
gellaho
"Buh"
FancyShark
Every case in that cave
gellaho
TRAGEDY FOR EVERYONE
gellaho
I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST
Brendan
Which one of these kids is the Avatar again? Tom?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I think its Trunbus.
Brendan
I think I gotta bounce. I can't read any of these on a laptop screen, and they've got me doing Avengers today, which is like 90 tags per scene, and SO MANY scene changes.
gellaho
Carson seems to have aged forty years in the time it took Nancy to age ten
FancyShark
Sheeeit. Good luck, @Brendan ! We'll miss you!
Brendan
Happy Fentoning!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's been a stressful life
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ten years hits a grown man harder than a kid.
It's like dog years.
gellaho
One of the many faces of George
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cute, but not as good as enby George.
gellaho
Oh, wait, here's were all the age hits Nancy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you.
FancyShark
Invasion of privacy. The mark of true friendship.
gellaho
Then she invades her father's privacy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I found his stash of donkey show videos. Good thing I was wearing the Heavy Stress line of eyeshadow."
gellaho
MORE TRAGEDY
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancy are you about to blame your mom dying of being sick on your parents relationship problems?
FancyShark
Carson's model train addiction destroyed this family
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Because people just die of illness, its not really a matter of willpower, Nancy.
You need some grief counselling.
gellaho
The artist cannot choose a way to draw Carson
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha he looks like Colonel Sanders Who Fucks.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Blue Comet was worth it though
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is straight up Captain Nemo from the Disney movie.
FancyShark
There's an argument to be made that willpower can help. But not if your husband has already made little trees for the little countryside.
gellaho
That can't possibly be the facial expression you wanted to draw
FancyShark
"Now CLENCH"
gellaho
No, this is serious art for adults
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Nobody can take loss well
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Saving this for emoji purposes
gellaho
They must go on benders
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Pooping
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They must.
gellaho
Because this author clearly understands the Nancy Drew character
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No that is what most teens would do.
You're completely right about that Nancy.
gellaho
Valedictorian, mystery solver cannot stomach death
Or her father not responding to emails
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Now dump that weird square you were dating and hook up with a guy in his mid 20s who owns a convertible and sells weed behind the high school.
gellaho
Which is what this is actually about
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Then the teen grief cycle will be complete.
gellaho
Hey, The Rover Boys anyone?
gellaho
Why aren't you appreciating this Stratemeyer Syndicate Avengers!?
These characters everybody knows
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Girl on the bottom right stepped right out of a 70s Master of Kung Fu issue.
gellaho
"They can finger anybody."
FancyShark
This took a turn
gellaho
It's called diversity
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I really hate when I have to get the person who murdered my father fingered.
gellaho
Anthony really wants you to know how cool he is
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
"You haven't seen Casino Royale, right? I didn't steal this"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Surely there's an inciting incident at the end of #2 in the series
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Nancy, you obviously need some things explained to you if you think that just because they murdered their dad they're now going to be fine going to some kind of mob poker game.
gellaho
Now, consider Joe's balls
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That's really a mean thing to say to Joe, his balls were liquified by all the car bombs.
gellaho
Sporty
FancyShark
Artist trying very hard to not get offensive again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If theres one thing criminals trust implicitly, its two teen detectives accused of murder.
gellaho
"I can't be racist, I made a bunch of the characters black!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Something Is Woking The Bayfield
gellaho
A myriad of litanies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
To be fair, this depiction of a black guy is nearly up to the standards of the time the Punisher got plastic surgery to look like a black dude and hung out with Luke Cage.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It would have been so much better if this plot centered around a seedy back room DnD campaign.
FancyShark
Dead Ale Wives comic when
gellaho
Well, these panels go in some kind of order
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I feel a strong need to send a copy of Understanding Comics to someone.
FancyShark
What's more exciting than watching people play poker without seeing their cards? READING about it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe's Joeder sense is tingling.
It detects hamburgers in a radius of nearly a mile.
gellaho
Consider Joe's balls again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Boy the writer really wanted us to think about a 19 year olds balls.
FancyShark
This is going to end with Joe going full tanuki on the rest of the cast
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
hello
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
goodbye
gellaho
Cheating to get four of a kind is a great way to get kneecapped, Nancy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Love you! Have a nice day!
gellaho
No matter how many piercings and beanies you now have
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Who's Steve Jobs?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Always a great con when you blurt out that you're giving yourself the best cards the second you lose a hand
gellaho
NO FACES
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Real experienced raconteur stuff
Lost your mind?
Or your mind???
FancyShark
Ricky looks vampiric
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Wow if I tagged brendan with this would that count as a prank or just abuse?
FancyShark
He had to leave to timestamp Avengers
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
RICKY Goes to Poker Night!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All of these panels are going to be reused for the edgy Top Cow vampire comic the artist is going to draw.
gellaho
Now, just to look up what the Rover Boys were
gellaho
Not sure you nailed that, Anthony
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Huh.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
flirtatious huh? Are military boarding schools coed?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No, not getting "military boarding school pranks and shenanigans." from these.
FancyShark
Underground gambling. So mischievous!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It could be recency bias but old school Rover Boys almost sounds interesting comparatively
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No the troops are afraid of girls.
gellaho
Translated that into mafia that beats the shit out of each other for smalltime poker games
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They got cooties, sarge!
FancyShark
Hey, there's the flirting!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Boy they are really kicking the hell out of Sam. He's gonna be pissing red at this rate.
FancyShark
So wacky!
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
jesus boys, take bets on sports or something, this is just sad
gellaho
Joe tells them Nancy cheated, for some reason
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Figures. Shit goes south, blame the woman. Classic noir bullshittery.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You really could scrub the text and turn this into a solid Vampire: The Masquerade comic.
gellaho
Which, for some reason, makes them not upset about the unauthorized poker game
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
That's.. not the best way to demonstrate motion
gellaho
NOT OUR BOAT!
FancyShark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its doing it on the boat that really offends the pride.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh shit, Tintin's here too!
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
It doesn't look like he flippd the table in anger, it looks like he just placed it a momemt ago
gellaho
You remember that lobster thing, right?
gellaho
From the beginning?
FancyShark
The thing that was better drawn than any of the people?
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
I know that facial expression
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Is this when Nancy pulls a gun and starts blasting?
gellaho
Collect all the virgins
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
She's trying to figire out where she left her keys
gellaho
We have defeated The Big Lie #2
FancyShark
We are tearing through these
gellaho
Onto #3
gellaho
These things are filled with fucking ads
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Nancy Drew key party
FancyShark
hahaha, what the hell happened to the artwork?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The face replacement really got me on this one.
gellaho
And I mean, they do look terrible and all
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Now they're doing 70s retro-futuristic?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hey, you got your Phantom in my Spider-Man Noir!
FancyShark
Spiderbatmanspirit vs Legally Distinct Hulk
gellaho
Ran out of people
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The ads are likely entirely for comics that had like five issues and at least thirty or fourty different variant covers.
gellaho
FancyShark
No notes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Every panel a painting
gellaho
Time for Joe's perspective
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Not what I'd be thinking staring down the barrel of a gun, but I dont think im kinda smart.
FancyShark
lol, that makes the first bit even funnier
gellaho
Frank out here trying to get murdered
FancyShark
Frank talked to Pablo Escobar the same way
gellaho
ACTION RECTANGLES
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Hm. I had dangerous conflict de-escalationtraining today. This tactic was not covered.
gellaho
Gun safety is important
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well he deescalated from gunplay to regular ass beating so I guess thats kind of a success.
FancyShark
Until they bring out the saw
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Joe out there doing a "No, I didnt admit anything."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Yeah, scratch your chin with the barrel, that's smart.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
No triggerguard on that thing either looks like
gellaho
We cheated you not to cheat you but to show we could cheat you. That's cool, right?
FancyShark
This conversation is going to end with three gunshots and three duffel bags being dumped in the harbor
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lol the old "We scammed you to prove how good we are at scamming, now trust us to scam FOR you."
gellaho
That damn eye thief is back at it again
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
yeah alwaysmake the angry man with a gun feel that you're talking down to him, great move
FancyShark
Hard drives?
Crap, we're gonna see bodies getting torn to shreds
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Better move: Get the obviously watched by cops guys to do your illegal activities, because theres no way they could rat you out for immunity or a lighter sentence.
That never happens.
FancyShark
Good point. We better promote them.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
In no time the Hardy boys and Nancy are handling cocaine distribution for the entire east coast.
gellaho
Can you tell which character the artist is most interested in drawing?
FancyShark
Soda, obviously
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe, you should be grateful, because in this situation, its pretty likely he accepted that apology because he wants to collect her feet.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
has the regrettable three-way not happened yet?
FancyShark
Frank always struck me more as the kind of serial killer who would take a human body apart just to see how it worked
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"The Bayport DaVinci Killer has struck again! Police are baffled!"
FancyShark
Nope. Almost got everyone murdered, though!
FancyShark
"Jesus Christ, it's another Callie Shaw. Fifth one this week."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
There's a regrettable three way?
gellaho
You know how it's pitch black in cars during the daytime?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
More to the point, there's a three way you don't regret?
gellaho
Hands
FancyShark
Guess the pistol whipping solved their personal problems
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Have the aged up pony pals made an appearance yet? I expect they're thotting around on motorcycles
FancyShark
Hands with 800% more detail than the faces
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fingers like French fries
gellaho
The intense shadows of the family dining room
FancyShark
"If you hadn't driven him to suicide. Wash the dishes when you're done."
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
😘
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That is so fucking smug AND sinister.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is the expression of a person who has nudes of dead people and a combat knife in his desk drawer.
gellaho
"cool"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If he didn't kill their dad he definitely killed the other thirty bodies stashed in the crawlspace.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Shadows are great because they cover things you would otherwise have to draw and they can appear anywhere any time for no reason
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I dont like coffee. Its yucky and bitter."
gellaho
Apparently legible writing is very hard
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
"And it gets everywh-AIEEEE!"
gellaho
FancyShark
"Larry, the lettering on the car's a bit-"
"Fuck you. Fuck YOU!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This comic is what you get when you play too much Max Payne and go pill for pill with Max.
gellaho
The Bayport Police operate using hotel keycards
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Lmao
FancyShark
"Criminal thing" he says, doing the same shit they do whenever they work a case
gellaho
Nancy's got her clown makeup on for hacking
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bayport police got all their security ideas from Doom.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
I've been through a lot of police stations for a lot of different reasons but the keycards are new.
FancyShark
Wait till you see the skull keys
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
The cacodaemons are a good deterrent tho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Police Chief Cyberdemon will now make a statement.
gellaho
Police procedure is to send everyone out to one burglary. Especially when the computers have suspiciously stopped working
FancyShark
Mayberry had better cops than this
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh "burglary" is just a euphemism. They called in an active shooter threat to the high school.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
the nazi stuff wasn't a deal breaker for some reason
gellaho
"We'll just allow any member of Geek Squad in the Precinct, sure"
FancyShark
It hid the treasure rooms!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mayor Icon of Sin thought it would be fine.
gellaho
"Can you help me figure out how to use this mouse?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Geek Squad can get you into a surprising amount of places, to be fair.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Although a police department having hilariously bad IT does feel true to life
Ramb$ne
Administrative mime assistant
gellaho
Joe ass shot for everyone
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Flatter than this shading
FancyShark
"Joe? Remember, the circuits aren't candy. Joe? JOE?!"
gellaho
Let there be dark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Dark. Shadowy. Like our souls...."
gellaho
A back door joke for everyone
FancyShark
$5 says that was the line the writer was most proud of
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Long noir monologue about darkness
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
door opens
let there be dork
gellaho
Snap goes the hard drives
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancy should punch him in the dick as she goes by.
FancyShark
How could their idiotic plan with countless ways to go wrong have gone wrong?
gellaho
They just let random attorneys take things from the evidence room unattended, right?
FancyShark
hahahaha
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
we have to pinky promise not to tamper with the evidence first
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Having trauma flashbacks about the time I head a component make a snap sound when I took it out.
FancyShark
You forgot Nancy's dad prosecuted your dad?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I mean Pheonix Wright did the same thing and it would never give me an inaccurate impression of the criminal justice system
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The Hardy's dad can beat up Nancy's dad tho so it balances out.
FancyShark
Like hearing the hammer on a gun click. Or at least the same effect.
gellaho
Such suspense
gellaho
"ol' san antone" jakesy
They don't do leg day in the Geek Squad apparently
Ramb$ne
On the west coast they're the Carl's Jr. Boys
"ol' san antone" jakesy
No cake in that break room
FancyShark
"And there aren't any cameras here, so we can relax"
gellaho
Great
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
stellar joke hambone doll
FancyShark
Case closed
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Like fourty copies of ARMA 3 and something called "Akiba Maid War Mod: Top Secret."
gellaho
Ramb$ne
Oh that's the one with no shoes
gellaho
Dundundrugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No shit tho, an ARMA 3 Akiba Maid War mod would be pretty lit.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My god. They're smuggling cracked Switch cartridges.
The crime makes them taste better.
Ramb$ne
That's just Limon 7
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Who could have foreseen that the video games were actually not video games
Ramb$ne
Look how tiny her hand is on the right
FancyShark
Meanwhile, us tech dweebs are going "YOU'RE GOING TO DAMAGE THE PLATTERS!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh fuck off you cannot hide drugs inside a hard drive like that without compromising its ability to be used like a hard drive
FancyShark
See?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also what could be worse than drugs?
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
sobriety
FancyShark
Human trafficking?
Harder to pull off with hard drives tho
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
weirdly restrained for this "gritty" reboot that it's not CP or like, murder victim photos or something
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
only trafficking like .1% of a human at a time?
FancyShark
They've still gotta sell to a large market
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's dark and twisted but it's not like sick or anything, that's just gross
FancyShark
"This shipment is all toes and nostrils"
gellaho
Just to identify the insane range on advertising here, you have both this
gellaho
But also this
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That would be a pretty cool premise for a sci fi story, a criminal syndicate who freeze dries people into a powder form for transport and you just add water to reconstitute them.
FancyShark
That's way too adorable to be in the same book as this- wait, boobs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bettie Page is a national treasure, so I'll allow it.
Ramb$ne
That was a batman film starting Adam west
gellaho
We have defeated The Big Lie #3
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Interior art? More like posterior art
gellaho
Moving on to #4
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Big Lie was that this series would be worth purchasing
Ramb$ne
The joker had a machine that turned people into a wettable powder and kidnapped world leaders
FancyShark
Getting closer to a real Hardys cover
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Her lies just keep getting bigger
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Consistent art styles? What are those?
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
yeah i remember that batman too
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My Big Fat Greek Lie
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shit, I knew I could have written for that show.
gellaho
A man sits in a room
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
I think thw riddler was in there somewhere
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You know, when Dara O'Briain did this, it was captivating.
Not so much here.
gellaho
Your lovely heroes come with golf clubs
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Now there's FORE of them
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Modern golf clubs arent that good for beating ass with, they tend to be made of graphite and bend.
You want the steel ones at least.
FancyShark
They're using the 2 iron? I'd use the pitching wedge
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Eeven then, they're expensive.
gellaho
Nose, do you get it? Nose? Nose!
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Looks like Ping G425s
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A man noses! A slave obeys!
"ol' san antone" jakesy
The notch at the heel of the club gives it away
FancyShark
It only took one tap before he gave in, which gives them -2 on this hole
gellaho
The dark web
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Product placement? In my Nancy Drew Hardy Boys crossover comic?!
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Lol the shadow only hitting their faces
"Drawing sucks"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Drawing this does, clearly
gellaho
Faces are hard
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
Worse than drugs? drugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is a stupid fucking plan to move drugs.
Probably thought of by someone who doesnt know how you smuggle drugs.
FancyShark
The style is a giveaway it's the same artist as SIKTC, but the inconsistency really screams they're doing this under duress
gellaho
Emotions are hard to express
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Wait i got it, they were planning on destroying the drugs and collecting
THE INSURANCE MONEY
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Drawing with a golf club to their head
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Beat his ass Joe.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
It really fits as little product as possible into the smallest possible spaces
While having enormous overheads
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly, selling used hard drives would be more profitable.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Yes but undetectable. Nerds never take apart hard drives
gellaho
Maybe wipe that disgusted look off your face before trying to get information
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
The exact face i make when a man asks me for directions
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancy looking more femme fatale in every panel that goes by.
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
exact
gellaho
They retreat to go... stand on a lake?
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Why is she sleeping with a floodlight
FancyShark
Beating with golf clubs then seducing the pulped remains is the new dating advice from Vogue
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think maybe Nancy has her "gentle male persuasion" and "dead parent" faces mixed up, judging from earlier
Ramb$ne
I was hoping it'd be a femme ferral
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Drawing backgrounds, also hard
FancyShark
They wrote a Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew mystery with less mystery than an average episode of NCIS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If it wasnt impossible I'd start to think this comic was drawn by an AI.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And way less eroticism
gellaho
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha are they writing all of this backwards?
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Ok this page suggests the AI drawing theory is not out of play yet
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's literally the only way this can make sense for a through the table perspective shot
gellaho
FancyShark
PUNCHES <---> OUCH?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Is this what gooning is?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
--->BLING
gellaho
FancyShark
"Not now, Joe"
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Ok so they decided to join the klan
gellaho
General Jack Smith, I am
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom Swift not available for comment at press time
FancyShark
Would you, could you on a train?
gellaho
General Jack Smith with his... conch shell?
gellaho
Yes, prohibition
FancyShark
With this chalupa, I name this city Bayport
gellaho
It's not like the Hardy Boys were written during that time or anything
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Seen here shortly before he got crushed with a rock by the naughty boys on the island
FancyShark
What a cesspool of corruption with its beer and its smuggling teabags of DRUGS in computers
gellaho
How long did you think prohibition lasted?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hazardous.
No predicate. In fact, no subject.
FancyShark
Haphazardous
gellaho
Twenty year old gangsters love Abbot and Costello
FancyShark
Silver Sable cameo
gellaho
"Speaking of faces: what are those?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Incredible casting choice, to staff this entire comic with faceless goons
FancyShark
"I'm already a criminal. Might as well ask teens about their sex lives."
gellaho
Gangsters live for sitcom hijinks
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
shadows are attractes to faces
gellaho
To be fair, I'm pretty sure he's also supposed to be a teen
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A bit late to be trying to mix in comedy, eh
gellaho
Nailed it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Someone snuck the top half of Ian McShanes face onto this teen crimelord.
FancyShark
"Clearasil, amirite teens?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
DON'T MOVE
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
U Can't Nancy Me
FancyShark
"I just realized that this was incredibly obvious"
gellaho
... INSTEAD BUY OUR SEMI-PORNOGRAPHIC COMICS
FancyShark
So many of Dynamite's titles are barely not porn
gellaho
Good a time as any to practice watercolors
gellaho
There is something horrific in the back of this. Not porn, but real bad
FancyShark
Counterpoint
gellaho
Time for Joe to perform some elven magicks
gellaho
They are really trying to sell that hard in here
Along with the children's books and pornography
FancyShark
lol
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Children love pornography, they wont let you say it but its true.
FancyShark
I have the collections of the Army of Darkness ones. They're really good, but the density of ads is insane
gellaho
Must be magic, because I don't know what's happening here
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Clearly he can conjure fire.
gellaho
The hell is going on
FancyShark
I think Joe found a secret door?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
✅ Kicked Down a Door
FancyShark
Rumrunner tunnel shenanigans
So great when you cover everything in shadow
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Rumrunnel, if you will
gellaho
The square hole turning into a manhole cover
gellaho
THERE IS ONE WAY.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Something is Squaring the Circles
gellaho
They seem very worried
FancyShark
Dutching the hell out of that angle
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
somebody wake up the cameraman.
gellaho
Who?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
It's "The Doctor"
gellaho
Not sure why Nancy is leading this, but sure
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It would have genuinely been a better twist if it had been Chet
gellaho
And dead
FancyShark
Great eulogy
This is still no higher a body count than a normal Hardy Boys story
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh, he just spilled india ink on his wifebeater. Don't be so dramatic.
FancyShark
Nancy, why did you think "To be continued..."
gellaho
So, are you ready for The Worst Thing?
FancyShark
hoo boy, okay
gellaho
I can almost guarantee you aren't
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh I can hardly wait
gellaho
Remember this was 2017
FancyShark
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
HA
FancyShark
DYNAMITE, WHAT HAF THOU WROUGHT
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A Team Up That Makes So Much Sense!
gellaho
We have defeated The Big Lie #4
gellaho
Moving right along to The Big Lie #5
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
*Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys may contain little to no Nancy Drew.
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
I can't believe grumpy cat was assassinated with a crossbow at a book signing
FancyShark
That's a glam rock album cover, minus the hair
gellaho
And now: some bullshit Hardy Boys ancestry.com
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just straight up tracing H P Lovecraft photos now
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
He was a cop and bootlegger at what, 14?
FancyShark
Average lifespan was like 17, so probably
gellaho
Owen Hardy tragically never learned how to use a gavel
gellaho
So edgy
gellaho
EDGY
FancyShark
In a normal Hardy Boys book, we'd be on the third car chase or fourth explosion by now
gellaho
Somebody really needed to catch that eye burglar
gellaho
It's noir, OK? That means boring
FancyShark
"Got your nose", the gritty reboot
gellaho
Time for punching
FancyShark
hahaha
Punches so huge the pages CANNOT CONTAIN THEM
gellaho
Joe's erect
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
CRUN
WHI
gellaho
Is it too late to take it all back? Joe thinks as he continues punching
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WHUM
gellaho
Or Frank is thinking that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Another graduate from the Frank Miller school of onomatopoeia
FancyShark
[punch]
"Sorry."
[punch]
"Sorry."
[punch]
"Sorry."
gellaho
Very confusing because it's showing Joe for most of that
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
featuring Gurge Muchael
FancyShark
I think it's Joe?
Him being an idiot does explain why he'd question if he should take it back while he keeps punching
That's textbook Joe
gellaho
See, noir means black so I can put as much of it wherever I want
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
beautiful, i love that this comic series takes place on the plane of shadow
FancyShark
Now I'm getting deja vu from the last crossover comic we read
gellaho
Ah, the vast darkness of daytime
FancyShark
Starting to think the artist did this on a dare
gellaho
Have you ever thought about that, man?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He sure did this on something
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
black ink owned a controlling interest in the publisher
gellaho
He did not return for the second one
FancyShark
No, but the writer did!
gellaho
Great
gellaho
Oh, he certainly did
Rachel, 2-Ded Krew
...
FancyShark
BLIZZ
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Legs
FancyShark
Bayonetta had less leg than Nancy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well that is certainly three ways to draw legs.
gellaho
The eternal blackness of the bookstore
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
More ass tho, Nancy looks like her legs are directly connected to her ribs.
FancyShark
At this point, why not just say there's an eclipse?
gellaho
The postcard drives Joe insane
gellaho
I'm assuming, otherwise I don't know what that angle is about
FancyShark
You know you've hit rock bottom when you consider shoplifting a postcard
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man, imagine, someone got PAID to make this.
gellaho
Ooh, the Tom Swift background
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You Wouldn't Download a Post Card …
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No but only because e cards are lame.
gellaho
Classic Tom Swift
FancyShark
hahaha, what the fuck
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
FancyShark
Couldn't even let the black guy be rich?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nope.
gellaho
He's black, so he can't be a super genius son of an inventor
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lets be honest, the way this comic is going we will be grateful he doesnt talk like Power Man in the 70s.
gellaho
He also has to be Mr Robot for some reason
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
So, you know, not Tom Swift at all
gellaho
Oh, and the whole page looks like this
FancyShark
Props to this author for making me feel sorry for Tom Swift, but not for the reasons intended
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
So close to being a real arty noir comic.
So close.
gellaho
He's got to be poor, a hacker and have a complicated relationship with meat
FancyShark
This author really gets teens
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Is this the clitoris
gellaho
Sports: pictured here as picking apples at the farmers market
FancyShark
Collig Slenderman
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Agent 47 hunting for non lethal throwables again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
Fickle's Pickle's
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Do they cost a nickel?
FancyShark
Fickle's Puckle's also works perfectly
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nope. Sorry, try again, Apostrophe Dragon.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Formerly Chuck's
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
A greengrocer must have been through here.
gellaho
"I sense pickle crime"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
FancyShark
"A pickle is in danger!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
BREAK PICKLE LAW - SUFFER PICKLE JUSTICE!!
FancyShark
The brine eats through the sidewalk like alien acid blood but no one notices
gellaho
Great stuff
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Poor Fickle, he just wanted to run a pickle based business in peace.
But unfortunately cops dont prevent crime, not even pickle crime.
FancyShark
The world wasn't ready for him
gellaho
Tom Swift takes this opportunity to show Collig his ass
FancyShark
Collig is minutes away from dying of malnutrition
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And he's not on the right side of those minutes, either
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh so that's why Collig is bald. He got the 3G radiation.
gellaho
Or, you know, theft
gellaho
He's being consumed by the void
FancyShark
Potato, potahto
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hacking the old way, by calling his work and pretending to be a fed.
FancyShark
Faces aren't enough anymore
gellaho
Take everything you know about Tom Swift. Now, forget all that
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Collig is turning into Discount The Question.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Tom Swift is black?
FancyShark
And not rich
And the son of a butcher
But he's a hacker
And a vegetarian
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hey, uh.....Joe? Could you not punch the meat? Or wear gloves, its a sanitary thing."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The only Swift who could ever reach me
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
some old white dude starts writing his scathing review, the word "woke" featuring prominently
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
was the son of a butcher man
gellaho
The old lobster dock with it's yachts
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He hasnt said "Sweet Christmas!" yet so its a triumph of diversity.
FancyShark
If you get there real early, you can see the lobsters breaching the water
gellaho
It is very woke to turn a super genius inventor into a poor black kid who steals cell phones
FancyShark
This author isn't afraid to tackle the real issues
Specifically, lobster issues
gellaho
Streeeeeeeeeeetch
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
BREAK LOBSTER LAW - SUFFER LOBSTER JUSTICE
gellaho
Dundundumb
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
This is all you need to sell a comic series
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That looks like an old timey ad for guns or dynamite.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Whoa whoa whoa, spoiler alert, plot outline!
I didn't want to know they murdered their father for real yet!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No, its more or less like I remember it.
FancyShark
"Shadowy figures" got more play than probably anticipated
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Somebody close read this outline and tell me if it says Bayport will be a character of its own
gellaho
We have defeated The Big Lie #5
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hottest rap duo of 2023
FancyShark
FINAL ROUND
gellaho
And finally, #6
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We're just now finding a body on the covers?
Shouldn't that have been a cover like three issues back?
gellaho
Who does?
FancyShark
It is vital that Nancy be on every cover
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys Find a Dead Body.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah she's the only one with complete art.
gellaho
Heh, how's it goin?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh. Ohhhhhhh boy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That man has his dick out.
gellaho
BANG
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That's the face of someone who just said "What do you think of THIS, little lady?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh sure, that might as well happen
FancyShark
The End
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yay, we solved the Riddle of Executing Nancy's Corrupt Dad!
gellaho
Sick copy paste job on Carson
FancyShark
awww
Yes, give him compressions on his bullet wound. Really grind it in there.
gellaho
He's fine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Way to get Frank and Joe in more murder related trouble NANCY!
gellaho
Suspense averted
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh thank god. I was worried there would be stakes for a second.
FancyShark
Author nailed that aspect at least
gellaho
Faces
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh no, the bad news is I found the weapon he was shot with........in your purse. You're coming downtown."
Frank and Joe, clear Havers of Hitman Money.
Couldnt possibly have been one of the many many people Nancy's dad fucked over in his law career or anything.
gellaho
He didn't answer some emails, so he's obviously a murderer and drug smuggler
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I mean, duh.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And just like that, Nancy is ready to finish the job that assassin started on her dad.
gellaho
Nancy reveals her third eyelid
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That's how fast kids turn on their parents. So answer your damn emails.
FancyShark
Next, twelve pages of her beating her hospitalized father to death with a golf club
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
AGH!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Holy Nancy's Nictating Membranes, Batman!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She's a lizard man!
gellaho
You do kind of suck Nancy, yes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cute boots tho, Nancy.
Or they would be if the artist could draw.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
When your dad's body is cold but the yaddas are hot 🔥
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or rather, muster the fucks to draw properly.
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fucking Christ.
Can we go one issue without Frank looking like Damian?
FancyShark
That's it. I officially can't tell who this is for.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's for the author and no one else
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Joe looking like a gay Miami Vice detective?
gellaho
Maybe eyeless was better
FancyShark
SHE SEES US!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like they're trying to do the Deathloop art style if it sucked.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Until you zoom in it really looks like he has a little pencil thin mustache.
gellaho
AAAAAH
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancy, you need two eyes, dont give one to the Shadows from Beyond.
FancyShark
She sees so much more now
gellaho
Any evidence? No? Alright
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Evidence is for suckers and chumps
FancyShark
"Fuck, this is the last one? Uhh, okay. No, I got this."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Still bumps into shit, depth perception isnt one of the powers she got.
FancyShark
Oh yeah. She covers her whole place in padding now.
gellaho
"Yeah, you can just come in here, out of town teen"
FancyShark
"Can you hurry up, kid? I've got a team of soccer players that want to rent this space for practice."
gellaho
Why is "thieves" in quotation marks?
LyraV
Those shoulder pads scream professional.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
?thieves?
!poison!
gellaho
Very useful magnifying glass
FancyShark
"He said 'Please listen to me. I might be shot if you don't listen.' I never figured out what he meant."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I used to burn ants with this. Sigh."
LyraV
Why would a spider build it's web there?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To get to the other side!
LyraV
Oh. It's broken.
FancyShark
Makes it look bigger
gellaho
Obviously, that meant go back to the cave you went to once when you were 8
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I ask myself that question whenever I get into the shower.
gellaho
I can't believe he would follow me!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They super are. Your dad is a lawyer by day, mob hitman by night. He was paid to kill Fenton but Fenton doublecrossed him. Fenton played by Chow Yun Fat.
FancyShark
And he brought his sound effects!
gellaho
You might remember this is supposedly about finding Fenton's killer
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No, that doesnt ring a bell.
gellaho
I say might, because I'm pretty sure the author forgot
What with his obsession with Nancy Drew
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Two reasons.
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
Use the darkness, which is everywhere on this wretched earth
LyraV
She's standing in front of an exploding orange egg
gellaho
The dark makes art easy!
FancyShark
An eggsplosion, if you will
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This dude watched the finale of True Detective S1 and figured darkness and confusion was how mysteries should end.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Frank? Get away from the computer, Frank, you arent allowed after Holy Terror!"
gellaho
It was the fat ugly cop made up for this series! Who would have guessed?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh noooo! Not beloved Just Introduced Here Man!
Who could have foreseen this?!
gellaho
Vaguery!
FancyShark
Which means the murderer was threatening to fistfight Joe to get him to confess
Wait, that actually sounds desperate enough to work
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The writer has clearly been interrogated by a cop before.
FancyShark
And by "interrogated", you mean "got a speeding ticket"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Now confess to shooting your dad fifty two times with my gun."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Broken clocks and all that
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Or I will beat your ass."
gellaho
JOE SMASH
FancyShark
"I have to kill you. It's how my character is written."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SUMP
FancyShark
YES
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SPLAS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's fucking Joever.
gellaho
Time for murder
FancyShark
FINALLY some proper Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew "villain fails to shoot them and gets his ass beat"-ing
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
All these awesome poses and Frank still looks like a horrid little schoolboy.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shoot him in the face, Nancy! Revenge is actually really cool!
gellaho
You know, they
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And then she executes him now that the begging has tenderized the meat.
FancyShark
"They threatened to tell the world I'm bald! I couldn't live with it!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bigfoot's disappointing son.
GIF
gellaho
Like the Stratemeyer Syndicate! Get it!?
gellaho
Anthony thought he was real smart for that one
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Syndicate? Like the hit videogame?"
FancyShark
In the fine tradition of The Assassins
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"The one from Bullfrog? That game ruled."
gellaho
Collig not pictured
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Now its totally okay, im glad Peter Molyneux killed our dads."
gellaho
The FBI are known for their frozen faces and unnatural badge holding
FancyShark
I like gellaho's version of Collig more
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I can't believe the bad guy was Hammerhead from Spider Man this whole time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank, Joe......I dont think the FBI are going to necessarily have jurisdiction here, but whatever.
gellaho
Yeah, Joe looks really excited
FancyShark
woo
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe got a new Iphone, he's gonna play Angry Birds in the car now.
gellaho
Back for seconds on Hal Holbrook
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank meanwhile, looks like he's got a glass fronted box picked out for Nancy's hands.
gellaho
Is finding your mom that impressive? I'm pretty sure she knows where you live
FancyShark
Yep, cars definitely have three separate seats in the back
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This author has never traveled outside the trunk of a car before.
Ramb$ne
So wait they're happy about a lazy ur mom joke?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's modded, it has all bucket seats.
gellaho
The end, or is it?
gellaho
It's not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And a licorice dispenser.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kingpin?!
FancyShark
dun dun DUN!
gellaho
And here's Anthony to lay it out for you
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah, we get to hang out with Vincent D'Onofrio?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dumb dumb dummmmmb
gellaho
The Bobbsey Twins! Get excited!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The who now?
The what twins?
gellaho
I'm also pretty sure Tom Swift does not appear in the next one
FancyShark
He's got meat to chop
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"It seemed organic" is code switching for "I'm a total hack"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
What kind of "Grandma would have appreciated this reference" shit is this?
LyraV
It sounds vaguely familiar
gellaho
This man is multiple creators
LyraV
I wonder if they've STILL got the light on
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They were aiming for noir but came out with "Early 2000s CW teen version"
FancyShark
Yeah. The European revenge spree was more noir than this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I named you part of my syndicate so you can't report me to the cops without incriminating yourself, tee hee!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And I cannot stress enough that Joe had a kung fu death duel with a hot girls dad!
It ruled.
FancyShark
It was incredible
gellaho
Horny ouija
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I want that book to be a John Woo movie.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
There's a non-horny Ouija?!
Damn I have been using mine wrong the whole time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Okay but ending on Elvira was a fucking power move, holy shit
FancyShark
Alright, I'll buy your ouija board, but I'm cutting off the ouija crap around the important part
gellaho
We have defeated The Big Lie #6
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Not gonna lie, if you get Cassie Peterson on it, I will at least think about buying it.
FancyShark
We did it!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
National. Treasure.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Six times, even!
gellaho
So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
Great work, everybody!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Thanks @gellaho !
gellaho
Most of the really bad stuff is in The Death of Nancy Drew, so look forward to that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Suffering to continue!
LyraV
I napped through some of it but I'm going back to read from the beginning
These comics are amazing
FancyShark
May all your faces be hidden! Have a great night and see you tomorrow!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Still not over the extremely tiny Proton in the corner
FancyShark
Oh, that book deserves the cage most of all
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I don't know if you can say that after Crash Course.
Crash Course was pretty fucking terrible.
Ramb$ne
We've had some powerful smells this year
FancyShark
Crash Course had a cyborg wizard fall in love with a pre-teen girl?
