94.1: The Big Lie Anthony Del Col & Werther Dell'Edera

#1 Nancy Drew & The Hardy Boys Comic Books

Tags: The Year of Pain Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew
Frank and Joe Hardy were living a perfect life with their family in Bayport, a small, New England resort-town on the Atlantic - until an unexpected death threw their entire existence into turmoil. Now the Hardy Boys are headed down a much darker path - one that will lead them right into the seedy, crooked heart of their hometown - and with a mysterious figure from their past as a guide... These are the teen detectives as you've never seen them before!

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gellaho

Taking something that is written for children and making it "for adults" is among the most creatively bankrupt things you can do.

The laziest way of going about it, of course, is the edgelord path with tons of violence or sex or both. But there are as many ways to do it wrong as there are stars in the sky.

That is what we will be exploring in a miniseries of The Book Cage entitled: "Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew."

The Book Cage: Episode 94 - Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew: Part 1 - The Big Lie

First up, we have the first in a series of comics that are perfectly designed to irritate me. The Big Lie is a lot of things. It's a neo-noir, because that is the least effort way to adult-up a mystery series for children. It focuses on issues to solidify it in 2011. It flashes up white knight beacons because the guy really, really wants you to know he's cool. Also: it's the Avengers of Stratemeyer Syndicate characters. All your favorites are here: The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Tom Swift, uh...The Bobbsey Twins, and The Rover Boys? You know, The Rover Boys? All that and more coming up in The Big Lie, this Friday 5pm eastern.

gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Ooh

FancyShark

The Chet threesome better be tastefully done

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I'm actually going to be getting my tattoo finished up on Friday at 5 (if it takes that long).

I'll have to ask for their wifi password 😝

gellaho

Everyone has a tragic backstory in this, and none of the Hardy Boys extended universe shows up, so I'm guessing they're all dead

FancyShark

Is Joe still immortal?

Does Frank still not fuck?

I won't ask if Tom Swift is still the worst. That's universal.

gellaho

What they do with Tom Swift is something

gellaho

Something hilarious does happen to Frank, but I think it's in the sequel: The Death of Nancy Drew

I think mostly Joe just mopes about how much he loves Nancy Drew, because that's what everyone does

It's an incredibly irritating comic

FancyShark

I can't wait

Agent of Fortune

I'm surprised that didn't straight up kill you

GDC

It's not by the artist of the other hardy boys comics, is it?

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Oh man I have to try to make this one

gellaho

Coming up at the top of the hour it's Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys: The Big Lie. Try your best to read this preview

gellaho

You are all the ultimate femme fatales

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh fuck, I completely missed it was Friday

Agent of Fortune

It's what

gellaho

And read this letter from the author who thinks 1927 to 2017 is 75 years

Ramb$ne

Harday

Agent of Fortune

Time works differently in Canada

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I trust a dude who looks like this to have his finger on the pulse of the teen detective experience

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The blank, disinterested stare is how you know he's a master of his craft

FancyShark

"They have to adapt to get to the bottom of the most personal crime possible - the death of a parent"

Anthony, Fenton has died more times than a Dark Souls character

Agent of Fortune

Looks like JJ Abrams

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh fuck he sure does.

We might be in trouble here gang

FancyShark

I'm sure @gellaho wouldn't harm us during the...[checks notes]...Year of Pain

Ramb$ne

Plus it's not French

gellaho

He's probably visited Quebec

gellaho

Couldn't possibly be the most annoying thing I've ever read

That's the sequel

FancyShark

We've already read the dumbest thing you've ever read, so now we need new categories

gellaho

It's harder and harder to get superlatives

Agent of Fortune

Sexy sharks?

FancyShark

I think Psychodrome still holds the title of "sharkiest"

"ol' san antone" jakesy

All I know based on this convo is that Nancy better have some bangin' DDs or nobody's going to be interested

gellaho

The eBay seller I bought these from thought it was important to double bag these

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I bet the artist really thought he had something with those streetlight eyes until he started drawing them

gellaho

Their patient wrapping resulted in $7

FancyShark

Worth it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Wow this Swamp Thing reboot looks really cool.

gellaho

Time to begin the process

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha it looks even worse out of the plastic wrapping

FancyShark

Salvador Nanci

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's like if you wanted to subtly hint that the hardy boys did 9/11

gellaho

Payport: The City Without Eyes

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

well, the art at least looks better than the last hardy boys comic

Agent of Fortune

Art has kind of a Steve Lieber look but not good

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

IT FEELS LIKE TIME DOESN'T MOVE IN THIS SETTING DO YOU GET IT LUL SO META

FancyShark

"Stuff like which streetlights have timers and which work on a sensors."

gellaho

No, Anthony, they've encountered murder before

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Someone spilled their tomato soup all over Missus McCabernathy!!

FancyShark

"We had more photos, but they were all of my kid's birthday party. The disposable camera was almost used up when the guy died."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Man it really sucks when I'm looking at pictures of murder victims and my skin turns a weird green.

gellaho

"I loved that man." - something a son says about a father

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's really funny that this dude is trying to sell us a dark and twisted Hardy boys when they've already foiled like two nuclear terror plots

gellaho

The difference is this one removes all the fun

FancyShark

Fenton's pranks are getting grimmer

Agent of Fortune

That is not great art

I don't have anything clever to say about it, it's just shitty looking

FancyShark

"I've loved many men. But that man? I loved him the most."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"We have no motive, just because he kind of faked his death a couple times to teach us a lesson about vigilance, and also shot at Joe's birthday cake, and kept making Fenton/fentanyl jokes......."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Of all the things to steal from Batman you steal the journaling text boxes in place of thought balloons

Agent of Fortune

Thought balloons have been out of style for a while now to be fair

gellaho

In the first of many pointless race swaps, here's Chief Collig. They will get weirder as this goes on

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's like andrea sorrentino's art put through a pop filter

Agent of Fortune

If by pop filter, you mean garbage disposal

FancyShark

Chief Collig looks like he just got out of diapers

gellaho

Frank: police expert

Agent of Fortune

But yeah, they are definitely going for a Brubaker/Rucka artist style

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Comics generally work best when the page is half dialogue

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha he's even tenting his fingers like an anime villain. Fuck this book

gellaho

What does he look like now?

FancyShark

Guernica

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this ain't some kinda Hardy Boys Casefiles: Bad Rap

Agent of Fortune

Is this going to have some sort of bullshit fight club twist where it turns out that Frank and Joe are just split personalities in the same person

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yul Brynner run through a car crusher

Agent of Fortune

Fuck it totally is, isn't it?

gellaho

THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S HARDY BOYS, THIS IS REAL

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's like someone tried to draw lance reddick while having a stroke

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Ahhhhhh my face

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Teen adventure" he says to the dude who in one of those "teen adventures" had to fight an international gang, and one of whom had to have a kung fu duel with the dad of a hot girl he was trying to hook up with.

FancyShark

The delicate circuitry in Frank's face is damaged now

gellaho

Not the smartest app on the phone

Agent of Fortune

Also, one of them had their girlfriend blown up

FancyShark

Shit. This guy's been talking to Charles Boyce

"ol' san antone" jakesy

To be fair almost every computer is an explosive device in this universe

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He was lookin kinda dumb with his finger and his thumb in the shape of a Verified checkmark on his forehead

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Lots of shit gets blown up

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah what? You two dipshits and your dad have always been dangerous extralegal vigilantes, what?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

the writer can't decide if he wants collig to speak with an AAVE accent or not

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He's fighting the phonetic accent instinct so hard

gellaho

The old days, when our parents were shadow apparitions and we were possessed ventriloquist dummies

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Faces are so hard, yall.

Agent of Fortune

A small online business

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Perfect blocking, no notes, can't wait for the finished lines

FancyShark

Those small online businesses of an idyllic childhood

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

she was into crypto, she was killed for her apes

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Mom invented the Nigerian Prince grift, it was the best time."

gellaho

We had friends

FancyShark

So many friends

"ol' san antone" jakesy

I swear people liked us

FancyShark

Just

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

2 whole friends, more than anyone on the planet

FancyShark

Look at them all

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

We had a Chet and an unexploded Iola!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

One even had sweet pink flats they coordinated with their pants. Who else can say the same

gellaho

Anonymous females in the desert during a sandstorm

FancyShark

One Chet is worth a thousand lesser friends. Which is what Iola was reduced to.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Good old Burning Man.

FancyShark

Redhead

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

someone seems to have absconded with her pants

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"No problems in the girlfriend department" sounds like a thing youd report someone to HR for saying about the mail room running smoothly.

Brendan

Greetings, standard "I'm watching movies for work" disclaimer, what's the premise?

gellaho

Taken by the blank badge squad

FancyShark

Hardy Boys Noir!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Blank badge, blank face, all cop.

Brendan

Do you know what I would give to meet an anonymous redhead at Burning Man?

Agent of Fortune

Guess he was the turkey waiting to be served makes me so, so mad

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this has all the try-hard energy of a gritty 90s reboot

Brendan

Come, fair lady, take shelter in the shade of my form.

gellaho

"I will do everything in my power not to draw a face"

Brendan

"tips fedora, and smaller, dick-fedora, and not wearing anything else except black socks and sandals."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

A bag of mushrooms, three pot brownies, and a two liter jug of fresh squeezed orange juice.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I just noticed something: why does nobody wear socks

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They're of the devil

FancyShark

Sock folds take more effort

Or it's to show they're chill

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

They got the Rob Liefeld of faces for this one.

gellaho

Or mailmen

Or trash collectors

Or weathermen

FancyShark

Or most people, come to think of it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Small towns love criminals, you just cant get caught

FancyShark

Except Bad Cop Carl. Everyone loves that guy

To be fair, Carl is the ice cream man and just has a weird name

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

small town law enforcement is like 90% corruption and 10% heart disease wtf is this guy talkiing about

gellaho

We started to believe it. Unrelated, here's Joe pointing

Brendan

Fenton Hardy: illicit photo distributor

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

SEE!

The Boys Hardy's Doubt!

FancyShark

Joe looks like he's sprinting into the wind

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

FEEL!

The author's contempt for this premise!

gellaho

TAKE MY HARDY BOYS ART SERIOUSLY

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

joe's just made he has the hairline of someone in their mid 30s

FancyShark

WONDER!

If this narrative can go anywhere worthwhile!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Aw man, they killed Jack Palance

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

had to save all that face drawing for this one page

FancyShark

Or Bill Paxton

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"More lines!" in comics is the equivalent of getting "More acting!!" from Godfrey Ho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Man the artist drew a really good Unshaven Bill Paxtion With Neck Problem.

FancyShark

"The one time Dad managed to shoot what he aimed at"

gellaho

The Bobbsey Twins, eh? Anybody remember? Anyone 80 years old to appreciate this Stratemeyer Syndicate crossover?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

HEY

I RECOGNIZE THAT PINK HAIRED GIRL

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Everyone saw you just standing in the middle of the party with your fists clenched glaring at nothing. Even for the time they all thought it was weird."

FancyShark

Eyes are the faces of the face. So I will not draw them

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

THAT'S MAX FROM BATMAN BEYOND

gellaho

Then they fight for no reason

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Nan and Bert" sound like a prewar married couple who invite everyone in the neighborhood to their cook out and kind of start dropping hints that they swing.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why does frank have a relatively consistent shaggy-haired look but Joe has a different short hairstyle for every page?

gellaho

Well, they were invented in 1904

FancyShark

So you see, boys, by failing to honor your brother, you were punished with the death of your father

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Swinging grandparents.

gellaho

Frank gets hit again for being a smart-ass

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Frank really looks like a smarmy ass 5 year old in these panels

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

how old is frank supposed to be?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Which tbh just makes me want to see him get hit more.

FancyShark

19

gellaho

Just a great use of the space

Brendan

Detective, the tape shows you slapping a child witness/

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Let's check in with Baby Homelander!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is our interrogation broom closet

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Much as I appreciate seeing a Hardy boy get slapped around, they should have their lawyer present.

FancyShark

Det. Peterson looks like his mom just told him the trip to Disneyland is canceled

gellaho

NO FACES

NO EYES

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

YEAH KICK THAT TEENS ASS PETERSON!

FancyShark

Frank Dies At The End

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

intent: sinister

outcome: hairy

gellaho

Very next panel, draw him like a newspaper cartoon

gellaho

Why not

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Inspector Daddy Warbucks

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah he morphed into Billy Batson all grown up!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

his suit is suddenly quite ill-fitting

gellaho

Joe just hanging out with the lesbians

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Holy shit it really is Homelander.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay but hanging out with lesbians is rad.

So great idea, Joe.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"I can't believe they invited Noodle-Arms McGee back there but not me"

Brendan

JUSTICE is my lawyer

gellaho

Then Anthony's attempts at seeming cool and relatable are working

Hopefully you will not regret this

FancyShark

Uh huh. I'll put you down as "self representation" until the public defender gets here.

gellaho

Meet black Tom Swift

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

his dick, joe

gellaho

Black Tom Swift will have a lot of hilarious reveals later

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh. Oh uh oh.

Brendan

I hung out in a lesbian bar for an hour once before I realized I was just the lone SWM sitting by himself like a creep.

In my defense I was first person there for 20 minutes.

FancyShark

"He spoke in puzzles. One time he called me up and just yelled sudoku at me for ten minutes"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

POV: you are Joe Hardy

gellaho

It's more stupid than offensive

Brendan

GIF

gellaho

But it's not not offensive

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"Wanna make out?" Tom said quizzically. Could never read that guy.

gellaho

Joe walks into a room, it takes half a page

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Are they standing in peepee

Brendan

It must horrify him to know how many cops are killing people with his electric rifle

FancyShark

The stately 20000 square foot library in their suburban home

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

cozy library with a fireplace and there's not a couple making out in it? this party sucks

gellaho

Joe is turning into an elf

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

By Azura by Azura by Azura!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

look ma, I swapped hands!

FancyShark

"I waved, my thumb completely not giving a shit where it was"

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Man this art is rough

gellaho

A mysterious female figure hides in a clock

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

What........the fuck is his hand doing?

gellaho

I wonder if there is a female character closely associated with clocks related to these two

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Rob Liefeld of Faces and Hands.

gellaho

Possibly on the cover of this very book

FancyShark

The time and weather lady on the phone!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Writer saw there was a Nancy Drew book called "Secret of the Old Clock" and decided he'd struck metanarrative gold

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I have to wonder: has the writer ever spoken to a teenager

FancyShark

No. By court order.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh god please let it be a gender swapped Clock King.

gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh yeah. He thought this was fucking genius foreshadowing.

God I want to punch him so bad.

gellaho

Maybe try a different way of drawing Tom

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

dude at least look at the page for your "I'm totally reading this" mug shot

FancyShark

Tom is become a turtle

gellaho

Consistency is hard

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so is perspective

FancyShark

Defiance is the best way to get cops to cooperate

gellaho

What a great page

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Half the time they draw that cop like he's a fucking Reticulan wearing a human mask and its wild.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Comics are like jazz in that it's all about the panels that you don't hear

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Holy shit, what if that was the Grey Man the whole time

FancyShark

Every time we read one of these knock off stories, the only thing the author can think to do is make the Hardys hate each other

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this doesn't look like any small town police station I've ever seen

ours is a little brick building barely larger than a garage

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Bayport police are exceptionally well funded.

FancyShark

Ours looks like a library

gellaho

Should I draw the black man with gigantic feet and playing basketball? Can't see why not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hardy related terrorism is on the rise, after all.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

add "basketball" to "list of things this artist can't draw for shit"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Ours is in the basement of the town offices which itself looks like a multi-story house.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That's very clearly an orange tennis ball.

FancyShark

Also "bulletin boards"

gellaho

What you want to do is make an old reference, then comment on how old that reference is

FancyShark

You're right, Joe

gellaho

Then no one can criticize you

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh come on you can't make your character look hard when they're a young adult at a malt shop

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Drowning his sorrows in a strawberry phosphate.

gellaho

You know how text messages look

FancyShark

"Barkeep, gimme another double chocolate"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this would almost be parody if it weren't trying so hard to take itself seriously

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You can tell they're good detectives because they need to have all their leads spoonfed to them from offscreen.

FancyShark

Linda Everyone, in a rare appearance

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Blind pig moment, them getting a solid lead from a Twitter clone.

gellaho

Just look at all this nothing

FancyShark

GIF

gellaho

Two pages to walk in the back of a restaurant