Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You Wouldn't Download a Post Card …
#1 Nancy Drew & The Hardy Boys Comic Books
You Wouldn't Download a Post Card …
No but only because e cards are lame.
Classic Tom Swift
hahaha, what the fuck
Couldn't even let the black guy be rich?
Nope.
He's black, so he can't be a super genius son of an inventor
Lets be honest, the way this comic is going we will be grateful he doesnt talk like Power Man in the 70s.
He also has to be Mr Robot for some reason
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So, you know, not Tom Swift at all
Oh, and the whole page looks like this
Props to this author for making me feel sorry for Tom Swift, but not for the reasons intended
So close to being a real arty noir comic.
So close.
He's got to be poor, a hacker and have a complicated relationship with meat
This author really gets teens
Is this the clitoris
Sports: pictured here as picking apples at the farmers market
Collig Slenderman
Agent 47 hunting for non lethal throwables again
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Fickle's Pickle's
Do they cost a nickel?
Fickle's Puckle's also works perfectly
Nope. Sorry, try again, Apostrophe Dragon.
Formerly Chuck's
A greengrocer must have been through here.
"I sense pickle crime"
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"A pickle is in danger!"
BREAK PICKLE LAW - SUFFER PICKLE JUSTICE!!
The brine eats through the sidewalk like alien acid blood but no one notices
Great stuff
Poor Fickle, he just wanted to run a pickle based business in peace.
But unfortunately cops dont prevent crime, not even pickle crime.
The world wasn't ready for him
Tom Swift takes this opportunity to show Collig his ass
Collig is minutes away from dying of malnutrition
And he's not on the right side of those minutes, either
Oh so that's why Collig is bald. He got the 3G radiation.
Or, you know, theft
He's being consumed by the void
Potato, potahto
Hacking the old way, by calling his work and pretending to be a fed.
Faces aren't enough anymore
Take everything you know about Tom Swift. Now, forget all that
Collig is turning into Discount The Question.
Tom Swift is black?
And not rich
And the son of a butcher
But he's a hacker
And a vegetarian
"Hey, uh.....Joe? Could you not punch the meat? Or wear gloves, its a sanitary thing."
The only Swift who could ever reach me
some old white dude starts writing his scathing review, the word "woke" featuring prominently
was the son of a butcher man
The old lobster dock with it's yachts
He hasnt said "Sweet Christmas!" yet so its a triumph of diversity.
If you get there real early, you can see the lobsters breaching the water
It is very woke to turn a super genius inventor into a poor black kid who steals cell phones
This author isn't afraid to tackle the real issues
Specifically, lobster issues
Streeeeeeeeeeetch
BREAK LOBSTER LAW - SUFFER LOBSTER JUSTICE
Dundundumb
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This is all you need to sell a comic series
That looks like an old timey ad for guns or dynamite.
Whoa whoa whoa, spoiler alert, plot outline!
I didn't want to know they murdered their father for real yet!
No, its more or less like I remember it.
"Shadowy figures" got more play than probably anticipated
Somebody close read this outline and tell me if it says Bayport will be a character of its own
We have defeated The Big Lie #5
Hottest rap duo of 2023
FINAL ROUND
And finally, #6
We're just now finding a body on the covers?
Shouldn't that have been a cover like three issues back?
Who does?
It is vital that Nancy be on every cover
Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys Find a Dead Body.
Yeah she's the only one with complete art.
Heh, how's it goin?
Oh. Ohhhhhhh boy.
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That man has his dick out.
BANG
That's the face of someone who just said "What do you think of THIS, little lady?"
Oh sure, that might as well happen
The End
Yay, we solved the Riddle of Executing Nancy's Corrupt Dad!
Sick copy paste job on Carson
awww
Yes, give him compressions on his bullet wound. Really grind it in there.
He's fine
Way to get Frank and Joe in more murder related trouble NANCY!
Suspense averted
Oh thank god. I was worried there would be stakes for a second.
Author nailed that aspect at least
Faces
"Oh no, the bad news is I found the weapon he was shot with........in your purse. You're coming downtown."
Frank and Joe, clear Havers of Hitman Money.
Couldnt possibly have been one of the many many people Nancy's dad fucked over in his law career or anything.
He didn't answer some emails, so he's obviously a murderer and drug smuggler
I mean, duh.
And just like that, Nancy is ready to finish the job that assassin started on her dad.
Nancy reveals her third eyelid
That's how fast kids turn on their parents. So answer your damn emails.
Next, twelve pages of her beating her hospitalized father to death with a golf club
AGH!
Holy Nancy's Nictating Membranes, Batman!
She's a lizard man!
You do kind of suck Nancy, yes
Cute boots tho, Nancy.
Or they would be if the artist could draw.
When your dad's body is cold but the yaddas are hot 🔥
Or rather, muster the fucks to draw properly.
Jesus Christ
Fucking Christ.
Can we go one issue without Frank looking like Damian?
That's it. I officially can't tell who this is for.
It's for the author and no one else
And Joe looking like a gay Miami Vice detective?
Maybe eyeless was better
SHE SEES US!
It's like they're trying to do the Deathloop art style if it sucked.
Until you zoom in it really looks like he has a little pencil thin mustache.
AAAAAH
Nancy, you need two eyes, dont give one to the Shadows from Beyond.
She sees so much more now
Any evidence? No? Alright
Evidence is for suckers and chumps
"Fuck, this is the last one? Uhh, okay. No, I got this."
Still bumps into shit, depth perception isnt one of the powers she got.
Oh yeah. She covers her whole place in padding now.
"Yeah, you can just come in here, out of town teen"
"Can you hurry up, kid? I've got a team of soccer players that want to rent this space for practice."
Why is "thieves" in quotation marks?
Those shoulder pads scream professional.
?thieves?
!poison!
Very useful magnifying glass
"He said 'Please listen to me. I might be shot if you don't listen.' I never figured out what he meant."
"I used to burn ants with this. Sigh."
Why would a spider build it's web there?
To get to the other side!
Oh. It's broken.
Makes it look bigger
Obviously, that meant go back to the cave you went to once when you were 8
I ask myself that question whenever I get into the shower.
I can't believe he would follow me!
They super are. Your dad is a lawyer by day, mob hitman by night. He was paid to kill Fenton but Fenton doublecrossed him. Fenton played by Chow Yun Fat.
And he brought his sound effects!
You might remember this is supposedly about finding Fenton's killer
No, that doesnt ring a bell.
I say might, because I'm pretty sure the author forgot
What with his obsession with Nancy Drew
Two reasons.
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Use the darkness, which is everywhere on this wretched earth
She's standing in front of an exploding orange egg
The dark makes art easy!
An eggsplosion, if you will
This dude watched the finale of True Detective S1 and figured darkness and confusion was how mysteries should end.
"Frank? Get away from the computer, Frank, you arent allowed after Holy Terror!"
It was the fat ugly cop made up for this series! Who would have guessed?
Oh noooo! Not beloved Just Introduced Here Man!
Who could have foreseen this?!
Vaguery!
Which means the murderer was threatening to fistfight Joe to get him to confess
Wait, that actually sounds desperate enough to work
The writer has clearly been interrogated by a cop before.
And by "interrogated", you mean "got a speeding ticket"
"Now confess to shooting your dad fifty two times with my gun."
Broken clocks and all that
"Or I will beat your ass."
JOE SMASH
"I have to kill you. It's how my character is written."
SUMP
YES
SPLAS
It's fucking Joever.
Time for murder
FINALLY some proper Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew "villain fails to shoot them and gets his ass beat"-ing
All these awesome poses and Frank still looks like a horrid little schoolboy.
Shoot him in the face, Nancy! Revenge is actually really cool!
You know, they
And then she executes him now that the begging has tenderized the meat.
"They threatened to tell the world I'm bald! I couldn't live with it!"
Bigfoot's disappointing son.
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Like the Stratemeyer Syndicate! Get it!?
Anthony thought he was real smart for that one
"Syndicate? Like the hit videogame?"
In the fine tradition of The Assassins
"The one from Bullfrog? That game ruled."
Collig not pictured
"Now its totally okay, im glad Peter Molyneux killed our dads."
The FBI are known for their frozen faces and unnatural badge holding
I like gellaho's version of Collig more
I can't believe the bad guy was Hammerhead from Spider Man this whole time
Frank, Joe......I dont think the FBI are going to necessarily have jurisdiction here, but whatever.
Yeah, Joe looks really excited
woo
Joe got a new Iphone, he's gonna play Angry Birds in the car now.
Back for seconds on Hal Holbrook
Frank meanwhile, looks like he's got a glass fronted box picked out for Nancy's hands.
Is finding your mom that impressive? I'm pretty sure she knows where you live
Yep, cars definitely have three separate seats in the back
This author has never traveled outside the trunk of a car before.
So wait they're happy about a lazy ur mom joke?
It's modded, it has all bucket seats.
The end, or is it?
It's not
And a licorice dispenser.
Kingpin?!
dun dun DUN!
And here's Anthony to lay it out for you
Hell yeah, we get to hang out with Vincent D'Onofrio?
Dumb dumb dummmmmb
The Bobbsey Twins! Get excited!
The who now?
The what twins?
I'm also pretty sure Tom Swift does not appear in the next one
He's got meat to chop
"It seemed organic" is code switching for "I'm a total hack"
What kind of "Grandma would have appreciated this reference" shit is this?
It sounds vaguely familiar
This man is multiple creators
I wonder if they've STILL got the light on
They were aiming for noir but came out with "Early 2000s CW teen version"
Yeah. The European revenge spree was more noir than this
I named you part of my syndicate so you can't report me to the cops without incriminating yourself, tee hee!
And I cannot stress enough that Joe had a kung fu death duel with a hot girls dad!
It ruled.
It was incredible
Horny ouija
I want that book to be a John Woo movie.
There's a non-horny Ouija?!
Damn I have been using mine wrong the whole time.
Okay but ending on Elvira was a fucking power move, holy shit
Alright, I'll buy your ouija board, but I'm cutting off the ouija crap around the important part
We have defeated The Big Lie #6
Not gonna lie, if you get Cassie Peterson on it, I will at least think about buying it.
We did it!
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National. Treasure.
Six times, even!
So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
Thank you, @gellaho !
Great work, everybody!
Thanks @gellaho !
Most of the really bad stuff is in The Death of Nancy Drew, so look forward to that
Suffering to continue!
I napped through some of it but I'm going back to read from the beginning
These comics are amazing
May all your faces be hidden! Have a great night and see you tomorrow!
Still not over the extremely tiny Proton in the corner
Oh, that book deserves the cage most of all
I don't know if you can say that after Crash Course.
Crash Course was pretty fucking terrible.
We've had some powerful smells this year
Crash Course had a cyborg wizard fall in love with a pre-teen girl?
That's a crash course in criminal offenses
So... 50% yes?