94.2: Mystery Box Gordon McAlpine

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 94:2 - Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew: Part 2 - Mystery Box

Mystery Box is fanfiction about two pseudonyms. While that would be weird enough on it's own, Gordon McAlpine goes a step further by refusing to even follow that simple presence. Indeed, he has decided to make Franklin W. Dixon and Carolyn Keene just be Frank Hardy and Nancy Drew. And then he sends them off to 1920's Paris to hang with art weirdos. Because when I think of what kind of person might write small-town, American teen mystery books, I think someone who spent their formative years in Paris, France. Read all about it, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Ramb$ne

Will we survive Art?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Noooo why would you put the due date sticker there?!?

Now we'll never know who was on the front cover!

FancyShark

I'm sure our track record with books set in France will not continue

gellaho

Little under an hour until Mystery Box. Here is the "Intoductory Note"

gellaho

That question will not be answered by this book

And your author for the evening

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm guessing this will read a lot like a ten year old wrote it, then

gellaho

"Marvelously inventive"

FancyShark

That blurb seems tailor-made to piss off @whois -H john.galt and @Macho Man Ball Javo

Macho Man Ball Javo

Oh dear

FancyShark

Gordon appears to think that Nancy Drew mysteries are all about dating and romance. And I'm assuming Frank's story is going to be about plowing Gertrude Stein

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I mean I'd bang Gertrude Stein, so I can't blame him.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah, ask Fitzgerald and Hemingway for advice on love. I can't think of anyone more eminently qualified.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

James Joyce too.

gellaho

Time to begin the process

FancyShark

Oh hey, they managed to make the only black person on the cover a thief

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That could just be someone having a good day walking with their favorite briefcase just out of shot.

gellaho

I don't think that actually matches what happens in the book

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Why would it

gellaho

This book comes has two parts. No reason

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's a 9\11 tribute reference.

Thats why the lines are there.

gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You're supposed to draw in the planes in the negative space yourself

gellaho

So, you remember that question the whole book was supposed to answer?

gellaho

He answered in before the book started in that quote

Brendan

I can tell this is a Peter David panel without needing to see anything else.

GDC

Gertrude Stein said that in her later years as her cognition declined.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"The truth is the Lost Generation was all little bitch ass pussies. 'Wahhh World War One gave me lifelong trauma', pffft. Get the fuck over yourself, wankers. Also the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew writers were fucking, just nonstop rawdogging 24/7/365"

Gertrude Stein, in conversation, no really I swear

gellaho

The "marvelously inventive" answer being that they just were Frank Hardy and Nancy Drew

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Honestly I just want Gordie to write about Gertrude Stein and her thirst for fuckmeat.

gellaho

You can jerk off on your own time

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Distant pounding", clearly a coded reference to his tryst with Carolyn Keene

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If you rearrange the letters this is eight 9\11s

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He tried to warn us

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also numbers are letters.

The government doesnt want you to know.

FancyShark

Quoting the fake author you're writing about/emulating is a Garth Marenghi move

gellaho

To the extent he's just going to call him Frank the whole time

Brendan

why is everyone acting like this morning never happened?

FancyShark

Unless he makes Dixon a judo robot, this is going to fall apart in seconds

Brendan

I'm not acknowledging anyone who hasn't read the threads this morning.

GDC

The real Joe died in the Somme.

gellaho

Spoiler alert

"The Dixon Boys. I have no ideas" - thought Gordon

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I'm already fantasizing about Frank Dixon fighting Yig cultists on his motorbike while blasted out of his mind of space mead.

FancyShark

Because otherwise time will become a flat circle

gellaho

One thing Gordon has is words, lots and lots of words

Brendan

@GDC called it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Already feeling the Max Payne vibes.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I do that looking at a photograph thing all the time now too. Usually with grilled cheese or pizza. Gastric bypass diets suck.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank Dixon diving thru the air in slow motion, looking like someone elses face was mapped over his head with a 2d texture.

gellaho

Joe the murderous pilot

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

"I am so innovative," thought Gordon

FancyShark

Faker Hardy Boys are somehow less awesome than normal Hardy Boys despite drinking and smoking

"We sure have had adventures, brother."

"Indeed, fellow brother. I hope I don't die in a war."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Theres no possibility Frank Dixon will kung fu fight a dad, this sucks.

FancyShark

Maybe we'll get a fistfight between him and Hemingway

gellaho

Promontories are back

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hemingway would kick his ass.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Trevor Jones string solo intensifies

FancyShark

"Why am I not coming with? Aren't we the same age?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe wants to shoot down the Kaiser.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Everyone knows you gotta shoot down the Kaiser on his Blitzblimp to end WWI.

The fact nobody did it is why we had a WWII.

gellaho

To give you an idea of what the dialogue is like, it's like this. Short sentences that go on forever and convey no information

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh cool, I used to write fanfic like this too, back when I sucked at it.

FancyShark

Natural dialogue between two introverts

This is considered a marriage proposal in Minnesota

gellaho

"It's gonna be so sweet," wrote the teen in 1918

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Why I'd get on my motorbike and drive to Berlin and give the Hun what for! Thats what I'd do!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Joe seeding the Konami code into this letter is going to be the last minute power up Frank needs to beat MegaWilhelm in the final act.

FancyShark

"I love talking about killing, Frank. The strategy behind it. The feeling of ending another person's life with a pull of the trigger. Golly, it sure is keen."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hilariously, 20s Dead Joe is a combatant in the least worthwhile part of the war.

gellaho

Quickly Joe loses his bloodlust and thus disappears into the ether

GDC

Back in 1918, boxing was still 2d

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

In a few decades Sabaton will write a banger about him though so it evens out.

FancyShark

Joe reached the character limit of his brain

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And that is why we need Super Punch Out in museums, so we can remember the WW1 veterans.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The last minute entry of Pizza Pasta on the Allies' side really turned the tide against the Central Powers.

gellaho

However, as we all know, Joe is invulnerable to all explosives

FancyShark

The shell was called a "Chet" and Frank would never forgive it.

gellaho

"I have so many new ideas," thought Gordon

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's like how Steve Trevor can survive six different exploding super bombers and still show up in the year 1984 like nothing happened.

FancyShark

Actually, the captain's exact words were "Holy bloody fucking fuck, the bodies!"

gellaho

I'm not sure this is how this works

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I like how Joe was blown up by a protoNazi superweapon and there's not even a little bit of a vigilante mission impossible adventure about to unfold.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahaha what a bitch ass death they gave Totally Real Joe.

GDC

Your brother failed to die, we need to finish the job

FancyShark

Saving Private Joe

gellaho

"We can't find his body, he must have deserted. Let me tell that grieving family he's a coward and we're going to kill him"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nah this checks out, they shot people for cowardice all the time back in WWI. Officers were fucking insane monsters.

It's like how once you become a Starfleet Admiral your IQ drops by like 80 points.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Come back with your shield or on it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"All we found was a pile of red scraps and some leg bones we havent identified, but they dont look like the bones of a coward so it couldnt be him."

LyraV

Usually I can glean some context but nope, I have no idea what's going on.

FancyShark

We're all missing the irony of Joe dying by explosion instead of his girlfriend

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Wait, it hit his barracks. Maybe he went outside for a piss?

gellaho

"Do you folks have any family graves I can go and piss on by chance?"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"deserted his post under fire" uh he was asleep?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The impact of the shockwave blew him clear over the trenches and now he's behind enemy lines, cutting Krauts with his dick out

FancyShark

This captain rules. Negative fucks to give.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Wow, Captain Cockload, KYS

gellaho

Fenton's position is to forget about Joe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He's just bitter because Joe didnt lose an arm charging a German machine gun nest.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Fuck you, your kid was a coward, if he's not dead already I intend to kill him myself the yellow little pussy. He should save us all the tribunal and kill himself now before I get my hand on him. Anyway sorry you raised such a bitch."

FancyShark

"That's assuming he didn't have his legs shredded by debris and he's now crawling in the woods, getting gnawed at by wolves as sepsis creeps through his wounds."

gellaho

It is at this point, I want you to ask yourself "Who is this book for?"

FancyShark

Gordon

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh I was asking that when I saw the cover.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah eat a dick Mr. Fenton "I didn't fight in the Somme" Hardy.

FancyShark

Fenton showing off his investigative mind

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"It's simple logic", he said, about the least logical supposition any human has ever made

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Better men than you got turned into marinara for years, Fenton.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

He should have stayed in his bed and gotten incinerated.

gellaho

"Joe would want to be disowned by his family"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh my god the thief is going to be Joe.

LyraV

Don't be a coward and lie about what really happened always seems like bad advice.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus, I can see it coming a mile away. Fuck this book already.

gellaho

He fought in the Spanish-American War apparently. That's why that captain treated them with respect?

Honestly, Gordon seems to forget what he's writing every couple of pages

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Funny story actually, Fenton had a brother named Jenton who got blown up on the Maine under very similar circumstances.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Spanish-American war was bitch mode for warfare, it barely counts.

gellaho

Teddy Roosevelt would cut out your heart for that, son

Now a story about Frank falling in a hole

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Bitch mode for warfare" is where the USA is most comfortable. Why do you think we wait so long to enter all the big ones

FancyShark

Cave and...dish

Cavendish Caves!

I'm a writer!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

When he came back they called him a coward for not dying in that hole like a man and his father has never let him live it down.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He could try, but given his performance on San Juan I think I could take him.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Cavendish nuts fit in your mouth, lmao

gellaho

And after that wonderful story, Frank leaves town on his hog

FancyShark

It was there that Frank saw a bat and knew he must become a symbol of fear

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lonely Frank out there just cranking his hog.

Gonna ride that bike all the way to France.

gellaho

And now, Nancy-I mean Carolyn

FancyShark

Where are you? The Dixon Boys

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Riding your hog gets real lonely without your brother there to help.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nancolyn.

FancyShark

I wonder where he got the idea to quote that book

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Extremely pertinent epigraph for this chapter

FancyShark

You kids can all identify with the valedictorian girl with her own car, right?

LyraV

I say madam it has been a most difficult morn. Veritably so.

gellaho

Who wants to hear about Carson Drew's young snooty girlfriend?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

THREE FOOT WIDE WALL CLOCK.

WHAT.

FancyShark

LyraV

For hiding an entire family of various shrews and rodents.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its for telling American Time.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Is she parking in the fucking gymnasium basketball court?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She lives in the fold out bleachers.

gellaho

Train station

Positively antebellum

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Train stations had fold out bleachers?!

FancyShark

The sumptuous meals of a post The Jungle Chicago

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I say, Carol Anne, this positively antebellum dress pairs wonderfully with our offerings of mint juleps and chattel slavery."

FancyShark

Liiiiiiiips

gellaho

Could not would not with a mouse, could not would not in a house

LyraV

Her eyes were hungry for gravy but alas there was naught.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Yes i find things that remind me of when you could own a man positively enthralling."

gellaho

Yeah, this girl seems like great mother material

gellaho

Fuckin France

FancyShark

So naturally you can see how this will lead to writing YA novels

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

!910s men love ladies who look like a giraffe bleached by the sun.

gellaho

Carson: "Just fucked a colleague's daughter, she sucks but is super hot and is going to be your mom now! I'm a great dad"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

She did not merely speak French, but kissed it as well

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

LyraV

With her long peppery conversational neck she was like a giraffe being prepared for a meal. But graceful.

gellaho

Not creepy at all

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She studied French at. Uh. French school. Hi, I'm Gordon. I'm a writer.

GDC

She introduced them to foreign customs like putting seasoning on their boiled meat.

gellaho

Are you ready for it to get weird?

FancyShark

The classic, actual way stepparents are regarded

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its so hard being a dad when your daughter and your new wife dont get along, even tho they have things in common like being women and similar ages.

FancyShark

"When you were young, I only prayed for your death and ruin"

gellaho

Time to reminisce about your childhood capers. I wonder what those noises could be

gellaho

Who is this book for

FancyShark

Reliability is the highest praise Gordon can give a woman

Inside the bedroom, Carson shows some impressive shadow puppetry skills

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And this is how Carolyn discovered her father was.......fucking her stepmother!

The SHAME!

gellaho

Anne decides after getting railed by the father is the best time to have a powow with the daughter

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

When IS a good time for the "I fucked your dad. " talk tho?

Breakfast?

FancyShark

"I never would have guessed my father would have sex with someone!"

FancyShark

Deathbed

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Standing in the doorway. Talking to your stepdaughter. Not even toweled off, still dripping.

gellaho

Probably don't want to walk in on it

She's also 17,so

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The perfect age to realize your stepmom is fucking your dad, really.

gellaho

Gordon, you just said it was minutes later

Brendan

Sorry, my computer can barely move at the moment because work wants me to run a virus scan atop the 77 tabs I have open. What happened after Frank revealed Joe Dixon had always been a ghost?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"No it's totally true. You dont like me, and that is why I fucked your dad."

gellaho

They aren't married yet. This is important for the very next sentence

FancyShark

Now Carolyn Keene is discovering her dad is fucking her stepmom

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

SCANDAL!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Marriage is in the heart. And the balls.

Brendan

That cad!

gellaho

Anne's going to hit it and quit it

Brendan

Stepmother leaves at 8 p.m. to lie about her Vietnam service, as is Eisenhower's law.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahahaha wow.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I only fucked your dad to show you who's boss. Never defy me again."

FancyShark

"When he wakes up, tell him it's because his dick game is weak."

Brendan

Having established dominance, Anne moves on to Mr. Bobbsey's household.

gellaho

"You can be his treasure forever"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I FUCKED YOUR DAD SHITLIPS. GOODBYE FOREVER."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"He wheezes like a dying walrus when he nuts, did you know that? No I suppose you wouldn't, that would be dark."

FancyShark

oh right! @Brendan , they also said Joe abandoned his post if he didn't die in the ensuing bombing raid. If you didn't see that part.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lol "People can't change" is surprisingly fatalistic for a knockoff Nancy Drew book.

gellaho

You would not believe how long this conversation goes on for

FancyShark

Gordon didn't even skim the Nancy Drew book he owns, did he?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

One night stands are definitely things that require unwilling co-conspirators

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Oh so you want me to tell your dad I am leaving him because his daughter is a little bitch who doesnt like me and I dont want to ruin his relationship with you? Okay, lets do that."

gellaho

As my token, here's a list of my friends in Paris, child

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I was just gonna drain his balls and vanish like a ghost, but we can do this the hard way."

gellaho

It's surprising because he spends most of the book on her

FancyShark

So how long were they married before she decided to run out?

gellaho

Despite the mystery being about Joe

FancyShark

hahaha

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

as long as it takes to nut.

gellaho

Had not yet been

FancyShark

Oh lord, this book is going to be Finding Forrester but for rich white girls

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Anyhow here's a list of communists, artists, and drug connections I hang out with in Paris, ciao bella!"

gellaho

So, Carolyn responds to her leaving Carson by also leaving Carson

gellaho

That'll fix it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Did Carson run over Gordon's bike or something?

FancyShark

"Dear Dad,

Your dick game was so bad, it not only scared away your fiance but also convinced me through her to leave you."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah I would love it if my lover and daughter disappeared right after one another. Wouldnt be lonely or wonder what I did at all."

Brendan

KISS HER, 17 IS LEGAL IN RIVER HEIGHTS

gellaho

Boy do I hate these conversations

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Was it my weird 1900s dick? Was it the wheezing? Was it the way I let her pour her own tea? It was the tea thing, wasnt it? I was too wild, letting her do her own things, women hate that."

FancyShark

"But you are leaving, right? I can finally have that room back?"

Brendan

Gellaho rolling up with real fanfic about fake authors writing real fanfic about their fake lives, and it's the 9th most bonkers thing today.

gellaho

"You definitely won't regret missing your valedictorian ceremony"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I kind of.......expected you'd move out, Carolyn. You do have a diploma and so on."

gellaho

"Especially considering you could just wait after graduation to leave"

"Why is any of this happening? It's almost like a bad writer is at the wheel, daughter"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Anyhoooo I'm going to have wild, wheezy sex with your stepmother now. Have fun in...........whereever you're going."

GDC

This is the early twenties, she's off to see the blasted remains of france.

FancyShark

The scandal over her skipping her speech would eventually lead to the school shuttering its doors and the town being converted to a salt mine.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tour the killing fields of Flanders.

Fuck the haunted British soldiers.

gellaho

"Who I will contact in 1918.... somehow"

Brendan

Are these moans the wounded, ghosts, or sexual pleasure, wondered Carolyn. This would make a spectacular book.

gellaho

Here's two thousand dollars, you better not have thought anything about my hairline

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Pigeon? Do we use pigeons?"

gellaho

"It means we are being written by a hack, and this was his one idea to get you to France"

GDC

In 1918 that was enough money to buy a dozen Irish children.

FancyShark

It's so cute when parents give nicknames to their children like "my girl"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"This ticket says Spread Eagle, Wisconsin?"

gellaho

So Carson leaves and Carolyn asks a stranger a very weird question

FancyShark

That is the most polite "fuck off, weirdo" I've ever seen

gellaho

5 years later, Frank is a private investigator in France. Don't worry about how

GDC

"lady either get on the train of fuck off"

FancyShark

Sure, why not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Miss.... I am a porter in WW1 era, America. I get paid less in a month than your whole outfit is worth, I might get shot or beaten by Pinkertons, I dont have time for philosophical questions."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Is the shining treasure in the trash the suitcase or is this a poorly thought out start of chapter gimmick?

The world wonders

gellaho

Gordon briefly remembers this is supposed to be the origin story for a writer

FancyShark

Gordon complaining that finishing a story is hard is not a good sign

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank goes and disassociates so hard the councilman assumes hes a veteran.

gellaho

This is where Gordon starts dropping names fast and loose

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just staring off into space while he thinks of why his short stories are important.

gellaho

Do you put etc on an address?

GDC

The suitcase is just full of pages that have "for sale: baby shoes never worn" written all over them

FancyShark

Of course Ernest Hemingway would act like a distressed dignitary at the thought of his stories being stolen and not respond with eight weeks of drinking

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And bottles of whiskey.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Some even half-full.