Tags: The Year of Pain, Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew
A novel about the creators of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys.
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gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 94:2 - Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew: Part 2 - Mystery Box
Mystery Box is fanfiction about two pseudonyms. While that would be weird enough on it's own, Gordon McAlpine goes a step further by refusing to even follow that simple presence. Indeed, he has decided to make Franklin W. Dixon and Carolyn Keene just be Frank Hardy and Nancy Drew. And then he sends them off to 1920's Paris to hang with art weirdos. Because when I think of what kind of person might write small-town, American teen mystery books, I think someone who spent their formative years in Paris, France. Read all about it, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Ramb$ne
Will we survive Art?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Noooo why would you put the due date sticker there?!?
Now we'll never know who was on the front cover!
FancyShark
I'm sure our track record with books set in France will not continue
gellaho
Little under an hour until Mystery Box. Here is the "Intoductory Note"
gellaho
That question will not be answered by this book
And your author for the evening
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm guessing this will read a lot like a ten year old wrote it, then
gellaho
"Marvelously inventive"
FancyShark
That blurb seems tailor-made to piss off @whois -H john.galt and @Macho Man Ball Javo
Macho Man Ball Javo
Oh dear
FancyShark
Gordon appears to think that Nancy Drew mysteries are all about dating and romance. And I'm assuming Frank's story is going to be about plowing Gertrude Stein
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I mean I'd bang Gertrude Stein, so I can't blame him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, ask Fitzgerald and Hemingway for advice on love. I can't think of anyone more eminently qualified.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
James Joyce too.
gellaho
Time to begin the process
FancyShark
Oh hey, they managed to make the only black person on the cover a thief
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That could just be someone having a good day walking with their favorite briefcase just out of shot.
gellaho
I don't think that actually matches what happens in the book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Why would it
gellaho
This book comes has two parts. No reason
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's a 9\11 tribute reference.
Thats why the lines are there.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You're supposed to draw in the planes in the negative space yourself
gellaho
So, you remember that question the whole book was supposed to answer?
gellaho
He answered in before the book started in that quote
Brendan
I can tell this is a Peter David panel without needing to see anything else.
GDC
Gertrude Stein said that in her later years as her cognition declined.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"The truth is the Lost Generation was all little bitch ass pussies. 'Wahhh World War One gave me lifelong trauma', pffft. Get the fuck over yourself, wankers. Also the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew writers were fucking, just nonstop rawdogging 24/7/365"
Gertrude Stein, in conversation, no really I swear
gellaho
The "marvelously inventive" answer being that they just were Frank Hardy and Nancy Drew
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly I just want Gordie to write about Gertrude Stein and her thirst for fuckmeat.
gellaho
You can jerk off on your own time
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Distant pounding", clearly a coded reference to his tryst with Carolyn Keene
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If you rearrange the letters this is eight 9\11s
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He tried to warn us
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also numbers are letters.
The government doesnt want you to know.
FancyShark
Quoting the fake author you're writing about/emulating is a Garth Marenghi move
gellaho
To the extent he's just going to call him Frank the whole time
Brendan
why is everyone acting like this morning never happened?
FancyShark
Unless he makes Dixon a judo robot, this is going to fall apart in seconds
Brendan
I'm not acknowledging anyone who hasn't read the threads this morning.
GDC
The real Joe died in the Somme.
gellaho
Spoiler alert
"The Dixon Boys. I have no ideas" - thought Gordon
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I'm already fantasizing about Frank Dixon fighting Yig cultists on his motorbike while blasted out of his mind of space mead.
FancyShark
Because otherwise time will become a flat circle
gellaho
One thing Gordon has is words, lots and lots of words
Brendan
@GDC called it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Already feeling the Max Payne vibes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I do that looking at a photograph thing all the time now too. Usually with grilled cheese or pizza. Gastric bypass diets suck.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank Dixon diving thru the air in slow motion, looking like someone elses face was mapped over his head with a 2d texture.
gellaho
Joe the murderous pilot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
"I am so innovative," thought Gordon
FancyShark
Faker Hardy Boys are somehow less awesome than normal Hardy Boys despite drinking and smoking
"We sure have had adventures, brother."
"Indeed, fellow brother. I hope I don't die in a war."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Theres no possibility Frank Dixon will kung fu fight a dad, this sucks.
FancyShark
Maybe we'll get a fistfight between him and Hemingway
gellaho
Promontories are back
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hemingway would kick his ass.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Trevor Jones string solo intensifies
FancyShark
"Why am I not coming with? Aren't we the same age?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe wants to shoot down the Kaiser.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Everyone knows you gotta shoot down the Kaiser on his Blitzblimp to end WWI.
The fact nobody did it is why we had a WWII.
gellaho
To give you an idea of what the dialogue is like, it's like this. Short sentences that go on forever and convey no information
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh cool, I used to write fanfic like this too, back when I sucked at it.
FancyShark
Natural dialogue between two introverts
This is considered a marriage proposal in Minnesota
gellaho
"It's gonna be so sweet," wrote the teen in 1918
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Why I'd get on my motorbike and drive to Berlin and give the Hun what for! Thats what I'd do!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Joe seeding the Konami code into this letter is going to be the last minute power up Frank needs to beat MegaWilhelm in the final act.
FancyShark
"I love talking about killing, Frank. The strategy behind it. The feeling of ending another person's life with a pull of the trigger. Golly, it sure is keen."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hilariously, 20s Dead Joe is a combatant in the least worthwhile part of the war.
gellaho
Quickly Joe loses his bloodlust and thus disappears into the ether
GDC
Back in 1918, boxing was still 2d
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
In a few decades Sabaton will write a banger about him though so it evens out.
FancyShark
Joe reached the character limit of his brain
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And that is why we need Super Punch Out in museums, so we can remember the WW1 veterans.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The last minute entry of Pizza Pasta on the Allies' side really turned the tide against the Central Powers.
gellaho
However, as we all know, Joe is invulnerable to all explosives
FancyShark
The shell was called a "Chet" and Frank would never forgive it.
gellaho
"I have so many new ideas," thought Gordon
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like how Steve Trevor can survive six different exploding super bombers and still show up in the year 1984 like nothing happened.
FancyShark
Actually, the captain's exact words were "Holy bloody fucking fuck, the bodies!"
gellaho
I'm not sure this is how this works
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I like how Joe was blown up by a protoNazi superweapon and there's not even a little bit of a vigilante mission impossible adventure about to unfold.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahaha what a bitch ass death they gave Totally Real Joe.
GDC
Your brother failed to die, we need to finish the job
FancyShark
Saving Private Joe
gellaho
"We can't find his body, he must have deserted. Let me tell that grieving family he's a coward and we're going to kill him"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nah this checks out, they shot people for cowardice all the time back in WWI. Officers were fucking insane monsters.
It's like how once you become a Starfleet Admiral your IQ drops by like 80 points.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Come back with your shield or on it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"All we found was a pile of red scraps and some leg bones we havent identified, but they dont look like the bones of a coward so it couldnt be him."
LyraV
Usually I can glean some context but nope, I have no idea what's going on.
FancyShark
We're all missing the irony of Joe dying by explosion instead of his girlfriend
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Wait, it hit his barracks. Maybe he went outside for a piss?
gellaho
"Do you folks have any family graves I can go and piss on by chance?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
"deserted his post under fire" uh he was asleep?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The impact of the shockwave blew him clear over the trenches and now he's behind enemy lines, cutting Krauts with his dick out
FancyShark
This captain rules. Negative fucks to give.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Wow, Captain Cockload, KYS
gellaho
Fenton's position is to forget about Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's just bitter because Joe didnt lose an arm charging a German machine gun nest.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Fuck you, your kid was a coward, if he's not dead already I intend to kill him myself the yellow little pussy. He should save us all the tribunal and kill himself now before I get my hand on him. Anyway sorry you raised such a bitch."
FancyShark
"That's assuming he didn't have his legs shredded by debris and he's now crawling in the woods, getting gnawed at by wolves as sepsis creeps through his wounds."
gellaho
It is at this point, I want you to ask yourself "Who is this book for?"
FancyShark
Gordon
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh I was asking that when I saw the cover.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah eat a dick Mr. Fenton "I didn't fight in the Somme" Hardy.
FancyShark
Fenton showing off his investigative mind
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"It's simple logic", he said, about the least logical supposition any human has ever made
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Better men than you got turned into marinara for years, Fenton.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
He should have stayed in his bed and gotten incinerated.
gellaho
"Joe would want to be disowned by his family"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god the thief is going to be Joe.
LyraV
Don't be a coward and lie about what really happened always seems like bad advice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, I can see it coming a mile away. Fuck this book already.
gellaho
He fought in the Spanish-American War apparently. That's why that captain treated them with respect?
Honestly, Gordon seems to forget what he's writing every couple of pages
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Funny story actually, Fenton had a brother named Jenton who got blown up on the Maine under very similar circumstances.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Spanish-American war was bitch mode for warfare, it barely counts.
gellaho
Teddy Roosevelt would cut out your heart for that, son
Now a story about Frank falling in a hole
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Bitch mode for warfare" is where the USA is most comfortable. Why do you think we wait so long to enter all the big ones
FancyShark
Cave and...dish
Cavendish Caves!
I'm a writer!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
When he came back they called him a coward for not dying in that hole like a man and his father has never let him live it down.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He could try, but given his performance on San Juan I think I could take him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Cavendish nuts fit in your mouth, lmao
gellaho
And after that wonderful story, Frank leaves town on his hog
FancyShark
It was there that Frank saw a bat and knew he must become a symbol of fear
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lonely Frank out there just cranking his hog.
Gonna ride that bike all the way to France.
gellaho
And now, Nancy-I mean Carolyn
FancyShark
Where are you? The Dixon Boys
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Riding your hog gets real lonely without your brother there to help.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancolyn.
FancyShark
I wonder where he got the idea to quote that book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Extremely pertinent epigraph for this chapter
FancyShark
You kids can all identify with the valedictorian girl with her own car, right?
LyraV
I say madam it has been a most difficult morn. Veritably so.
gellaho
Who wants to hear about Carson Drew's young snooty girlfriend?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THREE FOOT WIDE WALL CLOCK.
WHAT.
FancyShark
LyraV
For hiding an entire family of various shrews and rodents.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its for telling American Time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is she parking in the fucking gymnasium basketball court?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She lives in the fold out bleachers.
gellaho
Train station
Positively antebellum
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Train stations had fold out bleachers?!
FancyShark
The sumptuous meals of a post The Jungle Chicago
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I say, Carol Anne, this positively antebellum dress pairs wonderfully with our offerings of mint juleps and chattel slavery."
FancyShark
Liiiiiiiips
gellaho
Could not would not with a mouse, could not would not in a house
LyraV
Her eyes were hungry for gravy but alas there was naught.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yes i find things that remind me of when you could own a man positively enthralling."
gellaho
Yeah, this girl seems like great mother material
gellaho
Fuckin France
FancyShark
So naturally you can see how this will lead to writing YA novels
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
!910s men love ladies who look like a giraffe bleached by the sun.
gellaho
Carson: "Just fucked a colleague's daughter, she sucks but is super hot and is going to be your mom now! I'm a great dad"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
She did not merely speak French, but kissed it as well
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
LyraV
With her long peppery conversational neck she was like a giraffe being prepared for a meal. But graceful.
gellaho
Not creepy at all
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She studied French at. Uh. French school. Hi, I'm Gordon. I'm a writer.
GDC
She introduced them to foreign customs like putting seasoning on their boiled meat.
gellaho
Are you ready for it to get weird?
FancyShark
The classic, actual way stepparents are regarded
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its so hard being a dad when your daughter and your new wife dont get along, even tho they have things in common like being women and similar ages.
FancyShark
"When you were young, I only prayed for your death and ruin"
gellaho
Time to reminisce about your childhood capers. I wonder what those noises could be
gellaho
Who is this book for
FancyShark
Reliability is the highest praise Gordon can give a woman
Inside the bedroom, Carson shows some impressive shadow puppetry skills
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And this is how Carolyn discovered her father was.......fucking her stepmother!
The SHAME!
gellaho
Anne decides after getting railed by the father is the best time to have a powow with the daughter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When IS a good time for the "I fucked your dad. " talk tho?
Breakfast?
FancyShark
"I never would have guessed my father would have sex with someone!"
FancyShark
Deathbed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Standing in the doorway. Talking to your stepdaughter. Not even toweled off, still dripping.
gellaho
Probably don't want to walk in on it
She's also 17,so
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The perfect age to realize your stepmom is fucking your dad, really.
gellaho
Gordon, you just said it was minutes later
Brendan
Sorry, my computer can barely move at the moment because work wants me to run a virus scan atop the 77 tabs I have open. What happened after Frank revealed Joe Dixon had always been a ghost?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"No it's totally true. You dont like me, and that is why I fucked your dad."
gellaho
They aren't married yet. This is important for the very next sentence
FancyShark
Now Carolyn Keene is discovering her dad is fucking her stepmom
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
SCANDAL!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Marriage is in the heart. And the balls.
Brendan
That cad!
gellaho
Anne's going to hit it and quit it
Brendan
Stepmother leaves at 8 p.m. to lie about her Vietnam service, as is Eisenhower's law.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahahaha wow.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I only fucked your dad to show you who's boss. Never defy me again."
FancyShark
"When he wakes up, tell him it's because his dick game is weak."
Brendan
Having established dominance, Anne moves on to Mr. Bobbsey's household.
gellaho
"You can be his treasure forever"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I FUCKED YOUR DAD SHITLIPS. GOODBYE FOREVER."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"He wheezes like a dying walrus when he nuts, did you know that? No I suppose you wouldn't, that would be dark."
FancyShark
oh right! @Brendan , they also said Joe abandoned his post if he didn't die in the ensuing bombing raid. If you didn't see that part.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lol "People can't change" is surprisingly fatalistic for a knockoff Nancy Drew book.
gellaho
You would not believe how long this conversation goes on for
FancyShark
Gordon didn't even skim the Nancy Drew book he owns, did he?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
One night stands are definitely things that require unwilling co-conspirators
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh so you want me to tell your dad I am leaving him because his daughter is a little bitch who doesnt like me and I dont want to ruin his relationship with you? Okay, lets do that."
gellaho
As my token, here's a list of my friends in Paris, child
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I was just gonna drain his balls and vanish like a ghost, but we can do this the hard way."
gellaho
It's surprising because he spends most of the book on her
FancyShark
So how long were they married before she decided to run out?
gellaho
Despite the mystery being about Joe
FancyShark
hahaha
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
as long as it takes to nut.
gellaho
Had not yet been
FancyShark
Oh lord, this book is going to be Finding Forrester but for rich white girls
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Anyhow here's a list of communists, artists, and drug connections I hang out with in Paris, ciao bella!"
gellaho
So, Carolyn responds to her leaving Carson by also leaving Carson
gellaho
That'll fix it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Did Carson run over Gordon's bike or something?
FancyShark
"Dear Dad,
Your dick game was so bad, it not only scared away your fiance but also convinced me through her to leave you."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah I would love it if my lover and daughter disappeared right after one another. Wouldnt be lonely or wonder what I did at all."
Brendan
KISS HER, 17 IS LEGAL IN RIVER HEIGHTS
gellaho
Boy do I hate these conversations
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Was it my weird 1900s dick? Was it the wheezing? Was it the way I let her pour her own tea? It was the tea thing, wasnt it? I was too wild, letting her do her own things, women hate that."
FancyShark
"But you are leaving, right? I can finally have that room back?"
Brendan
Gellaho rolling up with real fanfic about fake authors writing real fanfic about their fake lives, and it's the 9th most bonkers thing today.
gellaho
"You definitely won't regret missing your valedictorian ceremony"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I kind of.......expected you'd move out, Carolyn. You do have a diploma and so on."
gellaho
"Especially considering you could just wait after graduation to leave"
"Why is any of this happening? It's almost like a bad writer is at the wheel, daughter"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Anyhoooo I'm going to have wild, wheezy sex with your stepmother now. Have fun in...........whereever you're going."
GDC
This is the early twenties, she's off to see the blasted remains of france.
FancyShark
The scandal over her skipping her speech would eventually lead to the school shuttering its doors and the town being converted to a salt mine.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tour the killing fields of Flanders.
Fuck the haunted British soldiers.
gellaho
"Who I will contact in 1918.... somehow"
Brendan
Are these moans the wounded, ghosts, or sexual pleasure, wondered Carolyn. This would make a spectacular book.
gellaho
Here's two thousand dollars, you better not have thought anything about my hairline
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Pigeon? Do we use pigeons?"
gellaho
"It means we are being written by a hack, and this was his one idea to get you to France"
GDC
In 1918 that was enough money to buy a dozen Irish children.
FancyShark
It's so cute when parents give nicknames to their children like "my girl"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"This ticket says Spread Eagle, Wisconsin?"
gellaho
So Carson leaves and Carolyn asks a stranger a very weird question
FancyShark
That is the most polite "fuck off, weirdo" I've ever seen
gellaho
5 years later, Frank is a private investigator in France. Don't worry about how
GDC
"lady either get on the train of fuck off"
FancyShark
Sure, why not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Miss.... I am a porter in WW1 era, America. I get paid less in a month than your whole outfit is worth, I might get shot or beaten by Pinkertons, I dont have time for philosophical questions."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Is the shining treasure in the trash the suitcase or is this a poorly thought out start of chapter gimmick?
The world wonders
gellaho
Gordon briefly remembers this is supposed to be the origin story for a writer
FancyShark
Gordon complaining that finishing a story is hard is not a good sign
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank goes and disassociates so hard the councilman assumes hes a veteran.
gellaho
This is where Gordon starts dropping names fast and loose
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just staring off into space while he thinks of why his short stories are important.
gellaho
Do you put etc on an address?
GDC
The suitcase is just full of pages that have "for sale: baby shoes never worn" written all over them
FancyShark
Of course Ernest Hemingway would act like a distressed dignitary at the thought of his stories being stolen and not respond with eight weeks of drinking
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And bottles of whiskey.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Some even half-full.
gellaho
A brilliant idea
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
in like four years Hadley will be an ex-wife anyway.\
FancyShark
Hemingway skiing is more far fetched than anything else
I can only picture him trapping a bunch of skiers in a lodge and telling them how he fought a bear
gellaho
You don't need the details of the case, they are dull. Instead, here's more names
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's only 1923 tho so its more likely a graphic description of how he helped sift thru the remains of a munitions factory in Italy during the war.
FancyShark
This is approaching Assassin's Creed levels of famous people in one place for no reason
gellaho
"So famous, it might be tacky for an author to use as a reference"
FancyShark
"So famous it makes all other works look like the leavings of cowards and frauds"
gellaho
I hope you have room for some more names
FancyShark
Paris, Iowa
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My god. This isn't even aggressively nothing, it's just nothing.
gellaho
EAT THE NAMES
FancyShark
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's over by Cedar Rapids.
Man I knew this was going to be what Gordie thought was "literary" but I hoped it was also not going to be boring.
gellaho
When I imagine the writer of "The Missing Chums," I picture a big fan of Picasso
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah sweettalk Gertrude Stein.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Why does everyone talk like they're in Game of Thrones
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Get in them granny panties.
"Shes talking about sweat, I'm IN!" thought Frank.
gellaho
I think you're supposed to be charmed by Gertrude Stein in this, but she's just kind of an asshole in this
gellaho
Who has like psychic powers and knows everything
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Inaccrochable
FancyShark
This is hitting closer to the Finding Forrester joke I made than I like
LyraV
Inacro...scooooped lol
I just keep hearing it over and over
gellaho
To the extent that Gordon makes her Jesus Christ here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Gertrude Stein as a monologuing supervillain trying to protect the world from Hemingway's writing is... a choice
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GERTRUDE STEIN X ERNEST HEMINGWAY SLASHFIC, LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
FancyShark
"Hemingway's early work is like an albatross around his neck"?
Fuck you, Gordon
LyraV
Something about inaccrochable just does not sit right
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hey Gertie, maybe Hemingway is still kinda sore about that older woman who left him for an Italian officer? Maybe you should fuck off.
FancyShark
Apparently it means, roughly, that something is too sexual to be sold or displayed
GDC
it sounds like she was either going for inaccurate or unapproachable and just kind of flubbed it
gellaho
"My sight tells me they will divorce, for I know all"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Art is nothing if not a dirty, dirty whore.
This is known.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah imagine being an author who blames Hemingways divorces on the raw creative force of art pushing the ignorant away, when it was just how he dealt with that nurse choosing the Italian sausage.
gellaho
Alrighty
GDC
She's still banging Chet on the side, though
gellaho
I'm not sure how he knows that, what with being in France
FancyShark
Ay, Tony got a Callie army!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh so this is what Pizza Tower is about, right?
FancyShark
This is almost making the noir comic look inviting
Brendan
Gertrude Stein is one of those people living time backwards.
FancyShark
Like Merlin or the guy at the barber shop
Brendan
"And you, my boy, my darling Francis, you have the most interesting end of us all. My fae sight tells me so."
gellaho
Frank left Princeton. Why? Fuck you for asking. Also, he's a pilot too
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Can we go back to the part where Carolyn leaves her family because she doesnt want to listen to her dad fuck?
FancyShark
No! Gellaho said that's most of the book! Savor this!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That was more fun than listening to Gertrude Stein: Divorce Oracle.
gellaho
She left because that would bring Carson's floozy back. Somehow
Spoiler alert: it works
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank, its been five years, you need to get over your brother being a dead coward who died in spectacular fashion.
gellaho
So, after getting the suitcase from Gerty, Frank loses it the next day
Brendan
Classic Chet
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddammit Frank, you suck worse than the Hardy Boys by a lot.
gellaho
I hope liked that story about Frank failing as a detective
Brendan
Frank ceased to care. He was utterly railing that college valedictorian.
gellaho
Anyway, Carolyn is on a boat with F Scott Fitzgerald
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
The Clue in the Cock: A Carolyn Keene Adventure
gellaho
Make note that every time we go back to Carolyn, her character and job will change
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She's living that fast paced 20s woman lifestyle.
FancyShark
I hope Fitzgerald spends the whole time staring at a light on a pier
gellaho
She's a poet now
Brendan
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Count Orlovsky sounds like a name I'd have given to a grifter or a vampire.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Count Orlovsky is Count Orlok trying to go incognito and failing.
gellaho
F asks her to babysit his wife
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is going to turn into Last Voyage of the Demeter real fucking quick.
Brendan
Carolyn Keene gave a franc to a begging French flower girl. Merci, ma belle cherie, murmured the young woman , de moi, Coco Chanel.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like a good grifter who fled Russia one step ahead of the Okhrana after fucking the Tsarina and stealing a million dollars in diamonds.
gellaho
Oh, also, she toured Europe and fucked around in New York dive bars
FancyShark
If we get Hemingway and Fitzgerald's feud in this book, I might forgive it
gellaho
Reminder: this is supposed to explain why she wrote Nancy Drew
Which, again, is just an autobiography of her time as a child
so this is all pointless
FancyShark
This really feels like it could have been its own terrible novel without the Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys angle
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew and the Case of The French Dadfucker.
gellaho
And now, Gordon has forgotten how he wrote Carson. So he disapproves of her travels after telling her to travel
FancyShark
Because Nancy Drew books are crammed with poetry
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Oh no, traveling to Europe is fine.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew as adults fanfic, but he got a cease and desist
FancyShark
That tracks
Brendan
Weirdest episode of Outlander yet.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
File 👏 off 👏 the👏 serial 👏 numbers!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not enough rape for it to be Outlander yet
gellaho
Carolyn continues to ask strangers weird questions about love
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I think her dad just disapproves of the French opium dens and such.
FancyShark
Because if anyone knows about love, it's Zelda Fitzgerald
gellaho
If you wanted to know how good her poetry is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hey leave that emotional shit at the door, you bitch. Zelda OUUUUUUUUT!"
FancyShark
pfffffft
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A stupid author's idea of insightful, minimalist prose
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
A mermaid tosses it back with notes
GDC
"Why does everyone call my questions sticky shit?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahahha that sucked so bad, the fishes are laughing at it Carolyn. All the little poop eating fishes think your poetry is terrible.
gellaho
Then Carolyn pesters famous non-poet F Scott on whether she can be a great poet
gellaho
And decides to give up on that completely
FancyShark
Not even Finding Forrester tried this hard
Brendan
I ca'nt really criticize this mingling of real-life figures with low pop given my projects, but it's still me trying to picture the audience for ZeldaFitzgerald giving Nancy Drew's author fuck-wisely directions.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I mean I meant you should discover your own poetry inside yourself but quitting entirely is fine too."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
"No I mean I literally can't say based on a total noob's first attempts."
gellaho
You wanted to here about how the author of Nancy Drew used to fuck any idiot in New York, right?
FancyShark
To be fair, your projects don't treat this like a brilliant, serious concept
gellaho
Who is this for
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Cage
Brendan
Blue is always blue
so speak blue words to me
as you play your blue guitar
in my fuck-cot
gellaho
Anyway, back to asking strangers about love
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Count Orlovsky, the 81 year old mummy, used to tell her her poetry was "intoxicatingly sensual."
FancyShark
Dabadeedabadah
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
blue is always
blue da ba dee
da ba die
fuck, scooped
gellaho
This really helps me understand the Nancy Drew character
GDC
If you can't tell that Nancy Drew was written by someone who slept around in new york speakeasies, you're beyond help
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Wow, everyone's parents suck.
"Yeah, uh, maybe not, honey, I kinda have a good thing going on now with my new family..."
gellaho
This book can only be a nostalgia play, but people who liked Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys don't want this
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Carolyn...... I have like four half sisters. I only know one because I was raised with her. Its EASY AS FUCK to have half siblings.
gellaho
"So, like, this will be about Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys when they grow up. Except, one is dead and all their family lives suck. And they fucked around France for a while. Oh, and also? They're the authors instead."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You dont even need to do anything to get half sibs, its all someone elses effort.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Two of my cousins are half siblings and they and no one else ever treated it any different.
gellaho
Anyway, Carolyn has to babysit the Fitzgerald's kid and Gordon remembers his own premise. But then does it extremely badly
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Frank Dixon doesnt karate fight anyone.
gellaho
"The Middle West of America"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
NOBODY CALLS IT THAT, CAROLYN!
FAKE MIDWESTERNER!
FancyShark
"As a tribute to Nancy Drew, I'm going to say that Carolyn Keene was a hack who stole the entire concept from a child"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
So Nancy Drew started as a bedtime story for the Fitzgeralds' kid 😒
gellaho
(Three Years Later)
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Probably the most true thing you can say about the person behind the Carolyn Keene pen name, in hindsight
FancyShark
Fucking what?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Good thing Scottie didn't say "jerk off" or "torture small animals"
gellaho
Reminder that Frank is supposed to be looking for Joe but has just been fucking around Paris for years
FancyShark
He noticed a blur?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank stole Bravestarr's eyes of the hawk.
The bastard.
FancyShark
Are we jumping forward in time with each chapter? Are we going to see them only decide to write fun stories when they're hours from death?
gellaho
Gertrude Stein told him to fly some dude's wife around. Moving on
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That dude? James Joyce.
FancyShark
GIF
Brendan
Nancy Drew sprung fully formed like Athena from Carolyn's brow.
gellaho
Carolyn Keene gets drunk to meet Hemingway
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
After a huge fucking migraine
FancyShark
Okay, drinking before meeting Hemingway is just smart
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Look, I don't trust this guy with accurate measurements anymore after the three-foot wall clock, okay?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I mean, when in Rome
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
T-Minus like one year ish til Hemingway Divorce #1!
Brendan
FINALLY I was here for a Bravestarr sighting.
gellaho
Spin the Wheel: Carolyn is now a
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Call girl
FancyShark
Model
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Railjack.
gellaho
That's right, writer for Vogue
FancyShark
Dammit
Brendan
Drunk
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
But are the hills like white elephants?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but who ISNT a writer for Vogue?
Brendan
Every protagonista in a metro capital
gellaho
Gordon really wants you to think about Nancy Drew fucking around in dive bars
Brendan
Reader, I MARRIED him, then divorced him because Gertrude Stein said I would
gellaho
She's taken up smoking
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Ganja?
Or opium
FancyShark
Meth
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay a half dozen in like six years is not that many Carolyn.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I don't think it was invented yet?
Carolyn, that's one per year.
FancyShark
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That isnt even a fuck rampage.
gellaho
I want you to know that this conversation with Ernest Hemingway goes on for 9 pages
Brendan
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Does Carolyn get to say anything during it?
gellaho
Can't cut gold like this
Brendan
How ironic.
gellaho
Oh, also, she started writing most of Nancy Drew off page
gellaho
Because fuck you, reader
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is like someone wanted to write the Hemingway biography of his fantasy but is too bad of a writer to write Hemingway.
FancyShark
Gordon must've written out every imaginary conversation he's ever had with these authors
gellaho
You are indeed wise
This conversation about this sentence goes on for four of those pages
FancyShark
That sentence is: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Kick writings ass." Hemingway says, not knowing that in 10 years he will watch fascism destroy Spain.
gellaho
I'm just going to show you most of this because it is intermidable
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I think he meant to say that writing kicks ass. 🤘
Brendan
Hemingway dragged himself across Paris to help copy-edit Nany Drew and she doesn't want to burden him with anything worth his input.
gellaho
FancyShark
This writing is so masturbatory I'm starting to think Brooke McEldowney wrote it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's certainly wordy enough
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is why the FBI started tormenting Hemingway.
Brendan
"Make your sentences longer, Carolyn!" roared Ernie. "Readers want ALL the details!"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
OMG you have to get through a couple rewrites before you start torturing individual sentences like this.
FancyShark
Gordon giving us a transcript of a conversation with his editor, because they already said they'd publish
gellaho
Four pages later, the conversation ends, having accomplished very little
Brendan
"Writing is like an iceberg. It should take a great deal of time to carve deep trenches on the landscape."
GDC
"I appreciate the advice Ernest, but these books are going to be for eight year olds. They're not picky."
FancyShark
"Except for those of us that were raised by wolves. Then the upbringing is mostly meat."
gellaho
Gordon must have mixed up Fenton and Carson, because now Fenton wants Frank back
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Carolyn, have you considered that you are a little bit of a silly moo if you think your upbringing was anything less than great? You went to high school, graduated, and your dad let you wander around Europe."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GET TO THE VOLCANO NUKE, YOU HACK.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh right, you never found your obviously dead brother, huh, Frank?
FancyShark
"Son, on second thought, I've decided your brother didn't die a coward. Please come home to take over the family business of being an ex-cop."
GDC
Fenton opened a hardware store and didn't call it Hardyware?
FancyShark
This book was written by a soulless husk
gellaho
Frank gets his first clue on page 88
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I guess in this world it would have been called Dixonware, huh
gellaho
Fenton also can't be old enough to retire, but don't tell Gordon that
FancyShark
Genevieve is European for "car bomb"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Clue? Oh right, its supposed to be a mystery.
FancyShark
So far the only mystery is how this got published
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I wish Gordo would get a clue and dump this manuscript in the trash already
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Before it was renamed the Thatcher Express.
GDC
He was heavily pressured into retiring after the incident.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Carolyn considers the only thing people know F Scott Fitzgerald for
FancyShark
"Also, spoilers for The Great Gatsby, readers"
Brendan
But Nancy dreamed of that orgiastic black mist.
gellaho
Ernest Hemingway tells a risqué story about Nancy's stepmom
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Boy a novel about a novelist comparing themselves and talking about way better contemporary novelists is really fun.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If you told me Nancy Drew was incepted by a stepmom cucking Carolyn Keene with every person she's ever personally met, I would not have believed you.
I still don't.
FancyShark
This is like being stuck by a braggart at a dull party, but it's a book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This truly is the Year of Pain
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Honestly I've been on board for most of the pain, Nancy Drew having to be convinced that no, vampires are not real was a great time.
gellaho
It's very convenient Ernest Hemingway knows this gossip about Carolyn's dad
gellaho
FancyShark
Oh, I still love reading these with you all. It doesn't change that this writing is terrible
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's incredible. The reveals aren't even reveals. They're not even anything.
gellaho
What would you say about a fake abortion
FancyShark
"I heard the daughter ran away after Anne let the attorney do the thing he kept begging to do"
FancyShark
You mean a child?
BOOM
Brendan
Boy, really let the air out of the room with this story about pretending to let the air in.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I completely dont believe Ernest Hemingway would care so much about Carolyn Keene that he'd remember all this.
gellaho
A perfect time for a meet cute
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Love at first "You seem fine."
FancyShark
Smash cut to them dissolving Hemingway in lye
gellaho
He doesn't care about her, he cares about her sexy stepmom
I'm pretty sure good supercedes real
Brendan
In the background Hemingway continued, "I distinctly remember her saying the attorney cackled with glee! He was overjoyed his wife died! Could finally chase his stupid kid out of the house."
This guy writes books like a lot of people whose day job is teaching Creative Writing, take it from me, a CW major.
FancyShark
Brother!
gellaho
"I came out to prove Joe's virtue, but it turns out he did go awol. So, uh, Oops."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Real is more important than good." is kind of a dipshit thing to say.
gellaho
She's supposed to be a valedictorian
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its boring ME, Frank. And you still wont stop.
FancyShark
What we didn't know was that she's home schooled
Brendan
Men, you are hereby forbidden from marrying all those farm girls whose barns you storm.
FancyShark
awwww
GDC
This is still less boring than Hemmingway being drunk and horny about her ex-stepmom
gellaho
"If you want to date, call me at work"
whois -H john.galt
this reads like a much worse Midnight in Paris, and I despise Midnight in Paris
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Remember lads, keep your seed for Britain. Butt stuff only."
FancyShark
This book is pain
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You seem nice." is usually how women tell you you arent going to get your bayonet wet, Frank.
Brendan
Most girls only get a job in Paris to meet a nice young man who will give them a house in Connecticut while wailing about all the blood on their family's hands.
gellaho
Oh, so now it's in Paris
FancyShark
Gordon needs to jump forward another decade so we can get some nazis to finish off the hack writer bingo
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Or how men tell them that they will, in the way that the bayonet isn't an innuendo
Brendan
Gordon is straining so hard for meaningful epigraphs
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
gotta love that he's quoting a pseudonym for the sweatshop of hardy boys writers
gellaho
So they're in love now
gellaho
Because again, fuck you reader for expecting me to write things
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Naturally, naturally
FancyShark
They are young, white and presumably attractive. The foundation for a relationship is already there.
gellaho
Investigation is going great
Brendan
NGL, this is kind of sweet.
gellaho
Dork
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank Dixon closes his eyes when he kisses her and thinks of the man he wishes Joe had been, instead of the coward he was.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh lord, Stockholm syndrome is setting in. We need to get the fuck outta here
FancyShark
Genevieve Dufour. Sounds Irish
gellaho
Are you thinking detective thoughts?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Elementary, my dear Dixon
GDC
"I can tell because you move your lips when you think"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I mean I would fuck off from the meatgrinder war and bang a French girl too, Joe.
Also you were a pilot and to be absolutely honest, you were probably not really helpful.
Brendan
My brother, the coward, who refused orders from generals told they needed to kill a certain number of men each day to prove they were trying.
gellaho
More tragedy, more!
gellaho
FancyShark
"I should tell you that because this is before antibiotics get into full swing, you have all the gonorrhea"
GDC
Frank's just getting around to this now.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
All this senseless human tragedy happening and I couldn't give less of a shit about any of it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
MUNICIPAL TAXES! YEAH!
gellaho
People just leaving each other left and right
FancyShark
Gordon had a bad breakup in kindergarten
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dames just slow you down when you are running from the ghosts of the fallen.
gellaho
MORE TRAGEDY! MORE! I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At the very end of this book Carolyn will give birth to a man in a rubber hand suit and Frank will tell everybody to give her a big hand
FancyShark
He dashed out his own brains? That was stupid of him.
gellaho
Bricked
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah maybe if Monsieur Dufour hadnt been quite so quintessentially French about his daughters elopement and disowned her THEN committed suicide his widow wouldnt be behind on her taxes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I didn't know he could run that fast!
gellaho
A relationship built to last
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Suicide OR disown, y'all, not both.
gellaho
This is so unnecessarily complicated
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is why the French are on like their fifth Republic.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You gotta reboot it sometimes to keep it working right
FancyShark
"That man's name was Thomas Swift."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's like marriages, if the first one doesnt work out, get a new one ASAP.
gellaho
Yes, I also read it in high school, Gordon
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Don't let sunk cost fallacy trap you into owning a lemon of a car, husband, or republic.
gellaho
Hey, Gordon? Eat a dick
GDC
Remember, he's a real detective, not a good one
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I will never abandon you, just let the water claim us.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If I know Joe, a strapping young doughboy named Chet probably did it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
WE SLEEP WITH DAGON TONIGHT, MY LOVE!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Frank has been practicing stolen literary valor
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What is it with reboots and feeling like they have to turn all the old characters into unlikable jerkwads, man
FancyShark
"As a tribute to Frank Dixon, I'll depict him as an incompetent writer and detective who had to steal to impress his literary girlfriend"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If you can't impress your girlfriend with "I stole some of Hemingways unpublished writings." she doesnt deserve you.
gellaho
Tempered by a prudent lover's caution
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Gordon wrote a romance novel but without the erotic parts.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"If these are YOUR writings, where'd these bourbon stains come from?"
"We BOTH know this is a port house!"
gellaho
It's sad when the ghostwriters of children's books from 80 years ago are better writers then you
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Unless Gellaho is holding out on us and didnt give us the pages where Gordon describes her "moist and glistening flower of womanhood"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Romance is when sex is obliquely mentioned as happening between every side character we don't care about
gellaho
I think literally everything has happened either
1) Off Page
2) In flashback
The only thing that happens in the present are drawn-out conversations that don't go anywhere
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is why sometimes it's a good idea to bring on a beta reader or a cowriter or something
gellaho
That's why that Gen13 book was so good
FancyShark
It's like that bit of writing advice:
Is this the most interesting point in your character's life? If not, then keep focused on this point and never talk about the fun stuff
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All this is leading to "Joe runs a bakery in Berlin."
oh.........wait..........Joe, war veteran. Pre war berlin. Changed his name......
JOE DIXON IS SECRETLY HITLER!
We got him.
gellaho
Now think about these two children's authors fucking on her damp, destroyed belongings
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Joe Dixon: Der Vinter Soldat
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"thrashings" is not how you should describe lovemaking, Gordon.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Gordo thought that old couple on the bed while the Titanic sank was like the height of eroticism
FancyShark
Remember: This is the solution
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also they fucked on her books.
And she enjoyed it.
That is a thing that is happening in this book.
I assume a book for kids? I can't imagine an adult reading this outside of this exact context.
FancyShark
Kids love when people fuck on books
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is a book for Gordo and no one else
GDC
Carolyn was no longer able to become aroused without smelling wet paper first
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
But i also cant imagine a child hanging in here with this book.
Like I read War and Peace and it was less confusing and boring.
Now if Frank and Carolyn use gematria to prove Napoleon is the Antichrist and resolve to assassinate him, then we have a story.
gellaho
Carson and Anne show up, they have a very long conversation. Then F Scott Fitzgerald randomly appears
FancyShark
Like all fanfiction, this does at least end with a cartoon horse mutilating a cartoon pegasus
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yay Dadfucker and her consort are back?
gellaho
They say boob a lot
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Listen, Cupcakes was an outlier.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
heheheh. boob.
FancyShark
It was proof that the universe is a cold and unfeeling place
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
For you maybe. I'm doing great
Skill issue? +2, +2?
gellaho
Then Anne randomly brings up babysitting Hemingway
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I wrote the thing and if I say he is a boob, a boob he shall be!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Carolyn stood up" is truly one of the great literary mic drops
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Anne is the real name of the nurse who scarred Hemingway, its all coming together.
FancyShark
Come on, Gordon. Talk about the time Hemingway almost got killed because Scott was the boxing ref.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also she is Genivieve Dufour and has made Carolyn fucking Frank weird.
gellaho
Then Carson gives a very long douchebag speech
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You see, I didnt WANT to nail a hot foreign girl and never tell your mother, I had to."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Every douchebag nerd dreams of pouring out their bottled-up grievances in a speech like this, so my lock-on for Gordo is just about perfectly calibrated now
FancyShark
Once again, Carson is the biggest asshole. Every "adult" version of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys is a template
gellaho
Gordon is really harping on this "where does love go" thing
gellaho
Which has nothing to do with the books he's writing about
But, whatever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Where does it go now??
(oh waaaow wah oh ohhh)
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Carolyn, you are really taking this way too hard for something you've known or suspected for like eight years now."
FancyShark
Yeah, those were definitely not the lyrics Gordon wrote for his garage band
gellaho
"Gulp," thought Frank
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"If you break up with your new boyfriend, that's on you and you being a weirdo."
FancyShark
"So it went good? Because it sounds like it went good."
gellaho
I would love to hear about some chums
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Um.........okay.......I guess I should tell you that I stole some of Hemingway's juvenalia before I met you, then? Are secrets lies? I am not clear on the rules here."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
In Carolyn's defense, would a weirdo take fuck advice from divorce witch Gertrude Stein?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
YEEE DOGGO!
gellaho
Lovely lovies lovelies love lovily
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shut up about Gertrude, book, tell us about her dog! Is it a French Bulldog? Toy Poodle? Oooooh maybe a King Charles Spaniel!?
FancyShark
Was this originally a soap opera/literary figure slashfic? It's so hard to get a handle on what to find interesting
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Does it like treats? Can we pet it?
WHOSAGOODBOYYYYY?!
gellaho
Very douchy, ma'am
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"I swear I've read Stein's works," said Gordon.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Im not familiar with Gertrude Stein as a person but I wonder if portraying her as this smug and self aggrandizing is coming from Gordon having to read poetry in high school and hating it.
Because if I were writing a novel where, say, Nathaniel Hawthorne was a character, he would be a shithead like this.
gellaho
I wanted to give girls heroin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Schoolgirls love heroin.....es.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Carolyn wanted to give girls a heroine, and Gordo clearly did not
gellaho
Fuck off, Gordon
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also its the late 1920s, Carolyn. Lady Satan will happen in maybe 12 ish years.
FancyShark
"I want my heroine to struggle to deduce basic clues and then struggle to get ahold of a gun that is never fired at her."
gellaho
These conversations are exhausting
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Every. Imagined. Conversation.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Oh fuck off, Trudy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"No actually I kind of think you're a real so and so, Gertie."
gellaho
Gordon, you do realize these are mysteries, right?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank secretly trying to figure out a way to tell Gertrude Stein she should make him a sandwich.
FancyShark
"A real story is about people wandering around Europe having conversations on the nature of literary questions like 'What do you think of this sentence?'"
gellaho
No, Carolyn's right
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Carolyn, you realize Agatha Christie is now very successful at the very job you want to do, right?
Like as you stand there yammering at Gertrude Stein.
gellaho
Carolyn's going to do some unspeakable things to Frank that she learned in dive bars
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Carolyn wants to overthrow the God of every sheltered white girl in the 1920s. Her dad.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That guy's not going to be the only one improvising with a flute in a second :FuckApe:
gellaho
Look, Edgar Allen Poe only invented the detective mystery right before she was born. She's got to catch up
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Joe's remains have broken down into fertilizer and the nutrients have already been absorbed by a handful of wheat
gellaho
GDC
Can't stay for the rest of this, but good luck everyone.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or he's fighting communists in the streets of Berlin in the company of a neicefucker with a horse whip.
FancyShark
Take care, @GDC !
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Gertrude executed another Veronica. Just pulled a .38 from her purse and capped her right in the head.
#BarchieForever
gellaho
Joe's mother-in-law has been stalking Frank
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Basket has to be a French bulldog.
FancyShark
What would happen if Frank Dixon and Carolyn Keene were real people? They'd watch Gertrude Stein play with a doggo. No, the bus doesn't stop for almost five minutes. There's no point pulling that cord.
It was she!
gellaho
Very useful
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The crone has a great point, Frank. How do you survive being a detective with situational awareness like that?
FancyShark
She who is her!
If Madame Dufour had become Nately's Whore from Catch-22, this scene would have been more fun
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Frank Hardy seems to do just fine, tbf
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank Hardy also has karate.
And a brother who isnt currently fertilizing French wheat.
gellaho
It's very weird to have these Frasier-esque comedic misunderstandings inamongst all this tragedy
gellaho
Just to think: I could be watching Frasier now instead of this. Oh, well
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hey remember about how I promised to never lie to you? Well, funny story......"
gellaho
Suddenly, Carson is dead
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Just remember I lied about this before I promised not to, so it doesnt count. You cant get mad."
FancyShark
Daddy Issues Status: Resolved
gellaho
Such a fool, you
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shit, old Fuckdaddy Carson went to his grave already, huh?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm 12 and this is so deep, man
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gordon getting his "to be, or not to be?" shit in.
gellaho
Hey, Gordon? Fuck off
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
True, none of that "beloved husband and father" bullshit seemed real.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I can just picture him scribbling a half assed drawing of Carolyn hunched over her fathers grave clutching a skull and doing a soliloquy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's like eulogy boilerplate
gellaho
I pity the fool who says "fool" this much
FancyShark
Maybe now Frank will get around to finding his brother's corpse
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lying on gravestones is standard practice, thats why mine will read "Fuckmaster General and Lethal Weapon."
and "Thirty Time Kumite Champion, 2000-2024"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Shit, even the Zoom Kumites?
A powerful opponent you must truly be
FancyShark
The Zoomites
gellaho
How dare you lie to me about your short stories, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That's what I call it when more than one of my cats gets the zoomies and start running around.
gellaho
Still fresh 9 years later
Because even the worms cannot destroy Joe Hardy
Excuse me, "Dixon"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bacteria responsible for decay shrink from his mighty fists.
FancyShark
Don't tell Gordon. I'm hoping he'll forget that instead of the entire subplot
gellaho
Carolyn fell asleep and missed her dad's funeral
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hey Carolyn, remember when you interrupted your dad fucking his girlfriend because you thought someone was breaking in or something? At 17? And you had a talk with her while she still smelled of your fathers fucksweat and aftershave? Was that worse than when your boyfriend lied to you?
gellaho
I thought she was in the graveyard, so that's impressive
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn Carolyn, thats fucking ice cold.
FancyShark
She slept through his funeral, just like she didn't sleep through him banging her stepmom. It's called justice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What a flattering portrait of Carolyn Keene, beloved children's book author
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Fall asleep at a funeral." is next level issues.
gellaho
The book's almost over, Might as well bring Ned into this
FancyShark
"BING!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh real life George is probably not going to be the fun enby we all love who thinks vampires might be real. Dang.
FancyShark
Her entire group of friends is saying this in unison. It's not weird.
gellaho
Ned morphs into Bess mid-speech
FancyShark
"We are Legion, Carolyn! Hi, Carolyn!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Geonedbess the All Encompassing
Geonedbess the Ur Friend beckons you with familiarity, Carolyn!
FancyShark
Take our hand, Carolyn! Step through the gate and enter the realm of shadow, Carolyn!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The vampires only drink your blood here, Carolyn, not your love.
FancyShark
You have so much blood to give, Carolyn. And so much time in which to share it, Carolyn.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Come solve mysteries with us, Carolyn.
Forever and ever and ever.
gellaho
So she fucks off from the memorial, and walks to the elementary school
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Jesus, at least put different people's statements in different quotation mark sections.
gellaho
Her five year old half sister follows her there and they have a very long discussion
FancyShark
Don't listen to Mordred, Carolyn.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Yeah I'm sure the author did it to make us feel her confusion. 🙄
gellaho
Imagine this for like ten pages
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
When even our torturer is yadda yadda yadda-ing through the book you know it's a real stinker
FancyShark
Yes
Always
Sometimes
gellaho
It's fucking exhausting
FancyShark
I see gellaho more as a guide. The Vergil to our Dante
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Carolyn if you werent a fictionalized version of a dipshit you'd know no one is ever too old to learn.
gellaho
He somehow writes like it's being badly improvised
Frank's in London now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh shit do we have a Beatrice?!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The only book that's being written as you read it!
FancyShark
Yes! It's the face on the books at the end!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh Jesus now we're stealing epigraphs from other books entirely. Fuck you, Gordon
FancyShark
Frank is really becoming a fleshed out character
Now we know he doesn't like tea
gellaho
Hey, guess what? Genevieve is dead
FancyShark
HAHAHAHA
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If you dont like tea, then why did you order it, Frank? Even in Merry Olde England you have to ask for shit before they bring it.
gellaho
Every time Frank gets a lead it's immediately a dead end
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Pin drop reveals by a craftsman at the top of his game
Bravo
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well thats what he gets for fucking around getting laid in France for eight years.
FancyShark
It's like he saw how tension works with Hardy Boys chapter endings and thought "what if this for every plot point?"
gellaho
You don't actually need to read this, but I want to illustrate something. All his dialogue are these short sentences back and forth, yeah?"
FancyShark
Yeah?
gellaho
Most of his prose is these long ass paragraphs
gellaho
I've never seen anything like that before
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
BOOOOOOOO LINE BREAK GORDON!
FancyShark
"Wrinkles in his trousers. So what?"
A+, Gordon
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
True art is incomprehensible. Ergo, true books are impossible to read.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gordon writes like the drafting AI I use with my transcription work.
gellaho
Guess who's here now?
FancyShark
Joe?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
James Joyce, James Joyce, please say James Joyce.
FancyShark
Faulkner?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Georges Clemenceau
gellaho
That's right, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. But talking about Fairies
FancyShark
...
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh, just Arthur being himself then.
FancyShark
Eat a dick, Gordon
gellaho
Because talking about mysteries would make sense for this book and you can't have that
Gotta have his weird belief in fairies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Points for historical authenticity tho.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You know, at least when Murdoch Mysteries brought in Conan Doyle to be a weirdo occultist, it was relevant to the mystery at hand
Brendan
Okay, what happened after the boat fuckin
FancyShark
Considering the point deficit Gordon has, it's not much help
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So much. So little.
FancyShark
NOTHING
FUCKING NOTHING
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Some book fucking.
FancyShark
Also, Carson's dead
BUT MOSTLY NOTHING
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Joe's ex wife is also dead.
gellaho
Why, Gordon, why in the book is this
FancyShark
And Frank and Carolyn broke up because Frank stole some of Hemingway's stories
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like who wouldnt? I could crush so much ass if I had stolen some of Hemingways early writings.
gellaho
Well, that was fucking pointless
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He answered the questions in confidence.
Can you elaborate on that?
No.
gellaho
Guess who it is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck you, Gordon, dont turn Doyle into some weird huckster.
FancyShark
It was Charles Nelson Reilly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Albert Einstein.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
There was boat fuckin? I missed it?
Brendan
Gellaho called me a dork for liking it
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Joe?
gellaho
Joe, but weirdly mute
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
ICHABOD PERCIVAL FREELY.......oh damn its just fucking Joe.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha but he didn't!!! He didn't come anywhere close to finding him ever!!!!!!!!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
"I decided not to come home because of the shame it would bring to the family."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
JOE JUST SHOWED UP ON HIS DOORSTEP ONE DAY SIGHT UNSEEN
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Jesus dude, its been like a decade, I didnt think it would take you this long."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
"That I survived being bombed in my barracks while asleep."
FancyShark
Other way around, but yeah!
gellaho
Could people actually talk to each other, Gordon? And not this cryptic horseshit
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Come in, I have beers. Deserted? Yeah, I did. Sorry. Say did you ever see a hundred thousand men die in minutes from the air? No? Yeah you should sit down."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Joe has been fighting Charlie Wilson's War this whole time
FancyShark
Now they go out for hamburgers
gellaho
Fuck you
gellaho
If Joe cared about Frank that much, he'd have fucking contacted him
It's been 10 years
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I call him Frank, even though it's not his name
FancyShark
"Okay, settle something for me: Are you a coward? I've got a bet going with Dad."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Sometimes he gets confused but what of it
gellaho
It's not Frank's name either
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah be pissed Frank, because it's not like the Great War was a big deal or something.
gellaho
Franklin is too hard to type, I guess
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He didn't even try to come home for ten years even after the threat of capital punishment was lifted so I'm gonna say yeah, he kind of is
gellaho
Frank punches Joe in the face
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cant imagine why someone would want to go home after fucking off from WW1.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Sorry. I shouldn't have punched you in your own house. Now take your ass outside so I can beat you into a red smear on the rue."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Joe getting in there with that survivors guilt.
And just think, all he did was shoot guys in shitty planes, he never brained a German teenager with a sharpened shovel or drowned a man in mud and shit.
FancyShark
Please, Gordon. Please make it that this is what inspires Dixon to have Joe's girlfriends keep blowing up and him feeling sad about it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe didnt have to sleep lightly knowing the rats would eat his fingers if he didnt.
FancyShark
All's Quiet on the Dixon Front
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yeah? Well I had it rough too, Joe. I had to fuck off and bum around Europe having sex and talking to famous people after the war!"
gellaho
The full story, which you've probably figured out. Joe left to see his lady, then came back and everyone was dead. He left with his pregnant wife. Then got a fake name, then she died from the flu. The end
Imagine that, but over several paragraphs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"My girlfriend leaving me because I stole from Hemingway is a lot like you killing a bunch of people and deciding to not do that because your whole unit died in a freak shelling."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So he really did desert
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Captain Cocksauce was right? (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Well, AWOL into desertion, but I don't think the brass would have seen it that way
gellaho
Fuck, this writing sucks ass
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I think it doesnt count when you come back and your whole barracks is ash and nobody is around.
gellaho
If you ever find yourself writing "he was like a ghost," throw everything away and start over
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Someone slap Gordon, his line break is jammed again.
FancyShark
If I slap Gordon, I'm going to need one of you to pull me away or I won't stop
gellaho
Then Joe leaves for no reason
FancyShark
And that is how Joe shifted his mortgage onto his brother
gellaho
I'm not sure Gordon understands familial love
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank you are legendarily easy to sneak by. Remember that old bat that tailed you for three days in France?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Reminder: this is all part of The Answer.
gellaho
To beat a dead horse: who is this for
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
At least Gordon remembered the line breaks this time.
gellaho
To be fair, Joe wrote that
Eat all of the dicks in the universe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe it took him over ten years of not looking very hard to find you the first time, you are both like in your thirties. By the time he found you again you'd both be ready to die.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Author the Dogshit.
FancyShark
"P.S. Never let a hack writer quote this in a shitty book about pseudonyms"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hope Gordon gets stung by bees.
gellaho
Now imagine Bess fucking around in New York, Nancy Drew fans
FancyShark
Books like these make a strong case for breaking the Prime Directive
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This book is the first one that has ever made me wish I never learned to read.
FancyShark
It's definitely made me wish Gordon never learned to write
gellaho
Imagine: teen Carolyn Keene/Nancy Drew fucking a married man
gellaho
Who is this for
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If pacing is better than whiskey I think you might be drinking wrong.
FancyShark
Whoever they are, we need to find them and destroy them
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sad and lonely Carolyn dumped Frank and is now fucking her Dad's living avatar.
And such is the circle of Girl With Daddy Issues Life.
FancyShark
That's right, sexually adventurous young women! Older men are there when you just need a warm body!
Ramb$ne
That's the plot of Duets
gellaho
She did that when she was a teen. Fun.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Couldn't have been. Duets was interesting.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Circle of Girl With Daddy Issues Life.
FancyShark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Reminding young women of their father is how a certain kind of creep stays alive, its a really gross little ecosystem.
gellaho
Carolyn can't recognize the name of her own character in this book about how she wrote said character
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jeanne, I have enough French to know you absolutely can translate the difference between "Frank is fucking a woman named Nancy in the country." and "Frank has left the country because of a woman named Nancy."
Ramb$ne
Demonstrably false but a brave stance
gellaho
Frank sends her her own book
gellaho
Which she still hadn't finished even though she was 120 pages in years ago
FancyShark
It's another Hemingway story
gellaho
Frank wrote the end of it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You sent me my unfinished work that I forgot to take with me when I left, HOW CRUEL
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yours, any way you please." is code for pegging.
gellaho
Then they get married
FancyShark
If Frank Dixon and Carolyn Keene were real, they'd be insufferable and blatant plagiarists
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Hemingway is at their wedding?
Bullshit.
gellaho
Rushing through the actual plot, Gordon
FancyShark
He ran out of things for Gertrude Stein to say
gellaho
To onions
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT! DONT GET POLITICAL AT MY WEDDING SCOTT!"
Weirdly enough, Hemingway said that.
He's what, on his second or third wife by now?
FancyShark
"May no one here ever know the taste of a shotgun barrel!"
gellaho
You wish
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Gordon is making an extremely good argument here that some books ought to be burned.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"May you all know many years not being spied on by the government!"
FancyShark
Yes, like "amiable". It's the same root word.
Die in obscurity, Gordon
gellaho
And Carolyn wrote The Hardy Boys
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Judgy Gertie, people dont eat opium. You smoke it.
gellaho
Why, Gordon, why have you done this
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
By 1939 they have divorced, Europe is in flames.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Fuck you
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank foils a Nazi plot to kidnap American captains of industry that involves a double agent, Argentina, and a submarine.
FancyShark
"You've given me a reminder that my brother abandoned the family because he couldn't stand the thought of us knowing he didn't die when his friends and wife did."
gellaho
Yeah, whatever.
gellaho
Then did it again when I found him
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Carolyn wins "Best hoagie on the Eastern Seaboard!" for five years running.
gellaho
OK, sure
FancyShark
I'll treasure this reminder of my brother's cowardice forever
gellaho
Get the ghostwriters in there for no reason
FancyShark
"They died of leprosy."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jettisoning the entire premise of the book at the very last minute
FancyShark
"They deserved it."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A masterclass
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The ghostwriters gave us the Hardy Boys kung fu fighting a hot girls dad in Europe, so I really appreciate them.
gellaho
"The Real Characters" aka the dead people I used for my own ends
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
HOW IS THERE MORE
JUST END. ENNNNNND
FancyShark
Gordon spent a whole day in the library and you're going to read it
gellaho
Sure, end with a parenthetical about how the quote you obviously made up was made up
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"So I decided they should fuck and get married, because that's a normal thing to do with people who are "well accquainted"
gellaho
So, that's the end
FancyShark
WE DID IT!
gellaho
Frank never saw his brother Joe again and they wrote books about each other's childhood for the rest of time
What a stupid book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Burn it. Burn it right now.
We cannot suffer its like to live.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The living envy the dead.
FancyShark
It's too clammy to burn. Cage it with Photon.
Let it feel fear.
gellaho
We have defeated Mystery Box
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Place it in the Moaning Labyrinth for the minotaur to keep.
He's been complaining he hasnt got enough to read.
gellaho
I wouldn't saddle Fatamatician with this
So concludes the 94:2 Edition of the Book Cage
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho ! And fuck you, Gordon!
gellaho
Coming up next time: the sequel to The Big Lie: The Death of Nancy Drew comics
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh good, we're not done disrespecting this venerable children's' classic yet
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
gellaho
Could they be the worst part of "Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew" Month?
Possibly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
How
Could they be worse than this
FancyShark
Never ask that
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I refuse to believe such a thing might be possible. The mind rebels at the notion
FancyShark
We thought the murder cabin thing was the stupidest thing we'd ever read. Then we read the sequel.
Ramb$ne
Doona
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If this was a certain podcast I listen to, the host would now reveal that it got worse by being filled with venomous snakes.
FancyShark
oh hell, Doona
Ramb$ne
((*️⃣))
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or that the winter got so cold someone had to go and chop down the frozen tree made of human shit.
Ramb$ne
The France Curse hypothesis remains valid
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Moral is, it can always always get worse, and probably will.
FancyShark
Now it's time for pizza
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Let me live in hope, curse you
FancyShark
Have a good night, everyone!
Ramb$ne
I think that means there must be "Italy makes good book cage" right?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You need to play Dawn of War so you know hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
