94.2: Mystery Box Gordon McAlpine

Brendan

NGL, this is kind of sweet.

gellaho

Dork

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank Dixon closes his eyes when he kisses her and thinks of the man he wishes Joe had been, instead of the coward he was.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh lord, Stockholm syndrome is setting in. We need to get the fuck outta here

FancyShark

Genevieve Dufour. Sounds Irish

gellaho

Are you thinking detective thoughts?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Elementary, my dear Dixon

GDC

"I can tell because you move your lips when you think"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I mean I would fuck off from the meatgrinder war and bang a French girl too, Joe.

Also you were a pilot and to be absolutely honest, you were probably not really helpful.

Brendan

My brother, the coward, who refused orders from generals told they needed to kill a certain number of men each day to prove they were trying.

gellaho

More tragedy, more!

gellaho

FancyShark

"I should tell you that because this is before antibiotics get into full swing, you have all the gonorrhea"

GDC

Frank's just getting around to this now.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

All this senseless human tragedy happening and I couldn't give less of a shit about any of it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

MUNICIPAL TAXES! YEAH!

gellaho

People just leaving each other left and right

FancyShark

Gordon had a bad breakup in kindergarten

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dames just slow you down when you are running from the ghosts of the fallen.

gellaho

MORE TRAGEDY! MORE! I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

At the very end of this book Carolyn will give birth to a man in a rubber hand suit and Frank will tell everybody to give her a big hand

FancyShark

He dashed out his own brains? That was stupid of him.

gellaho

Bricked

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah maybe if Monsieur Dufour hadnt been quite so quintessentially French about his daughters elopement and disowned her THEN committed suicide his widow wouldnt be behind on her taxes.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I didn't know he could run that fast!

gellaho

A relationship built to last

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Suicide OR disown, y'all, not both.

gellaho

This is so unnecessarily complicated

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This is why the French are on like their fifth Republic.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You gotta reboot it sometimes to keep it working right

FancyShark

"That man's name was Thomas Swift."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's like marriages, if the first one doesnt work out, get a new one ASAP.

gellaho

Yes, I also read it in high school, Gordon

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Don't let sunk cost fallacy trap you into owning a lemon of a car, husband, or republic.

gellaho

Hey, Gordon? Eat a dick

GDC

Remember, he's a real detective, not a good one

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I will never abandon you, just let the water claim us.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If I know Joe, a strapping young doughboy named Chet probably did it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

WE SLEEP WITH DAGON TONIGHT, MY LOVE!

gellaho

Meanwhile, Frank has been practicing stolen literary valor

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What is it with reboots and feeling like they have to turn all the old characters into unlikable jerkwads, man

FancyShark

"As a tribute to Frank Dixon, I'll depict him as an incompetent writer and detective who had to steal to impress his literary girlfriend"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If you can't impress your girlfriend with "I stole some of Hemingways unpublished writings." she doesnt deserve you.

gellaho

Tempered by a prudent lover's caution

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Gordon wrote a romance novel but without the erotic parts.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"If these are YOUR writings, where'd these bourbon stains come from?"

"We BOTH know this is a port house!"

gellaho

It's sad when the ghostwriters of children's books from 80 years ago are better writers then you

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Unless Gellaho is holding out on us and didnt give us the pages where Gordon describes her "moist and glistening flower of womanhood"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Romance is when sex is obliquely mentioned as happening between every side character we don't care about

gellaho

I think literally everything has happened either

1) Off Page

2) In flashback

The only thing that happens in the present are drawn-out conversations that don't go anywhere

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is why sometimes it's a good idea to bring on a beta reader or a cowriter or something

gellaho

That's why that Gen13 book was so good

FancyShark

It's like that bit of writing advice:

Is this the most interesting point in your character's life? If not, then keep focused on this point and never talk about the fun stuff

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

All this is leading to "Joe runs a bakery in Berlin."

oh.........wait..........Joe, war veteran. Pre war berlin. Changed his name......

JOE DIXON IS SECRETLY HITLER!

We got him.

gellaho

Now think about these two children's authors fucking on her damp, destroyed belongings

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Joe Dixon: Der Vinter Soldat

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"thrashings" is not how you should describe lovemaking, Gordon.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Gordo thought that old couple on the bed while the Titanic sank was like the height of eroticism

FancyShark

Remember: This is the solution

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also they fucked on her books.

And she enjoyed it.

That is a thing that is happening in this book.

I assume a book for kids? I can't imagine an adult reading this outside of this exact context.

FancyShark

Kids love when people fuck on books

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is a book for Gordo and no one else

GDC

Carolyn was no longer able to become aroused without smelling wet paper first

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

But i also cant imagine a child hanging in here with this book.

Like I read War and Peace and it was less confusing and boring.

Now if Frank and Carolyn use gematria to prove Napoleon is the Antichrist and resolve to assassinate him, then we have a story.

gellaho

Carson and Anne show up, they have a very long conversation. Then F Scott Fitzgerald randomly appears

FancyShark

Like all fanfiction, this does at least end with a cartoon horse mutilating a cartoon pegasus

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yay Dadfucker and her consort are back?

gellaho

They say boob a lot

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Listen, Cupcakes was an outlier.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

heheheh. boob.

FancyShark

It was proof that the universe is a cold and unfeeling place

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

For you maybe. I'm doing great

Skill issue? +2, +2?

gellaho

Then Anne randomly brings up babysitting Hemingway

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I wrote the thing and if I say he is a boob, a boob he shall be!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Carolyn stood up" is truly one of the great literary mic drops

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Anne is the real name of the nurse who scarred Hemingway, its all coming together.

FancyShark

Come on, Gordon. Talk about the time Hemingway almost got killed because Scott was the boxing ref.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also she is Genivieve Dufour and has made Carolyn fucking Frank weird.

gellaho

Then Carson gives a very long douchebag speech

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"You see, I didnt WANT to nail a hot foreign girl and never tell your mother, I had to."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Every douchebag nerd dreams of pouring out their bottled-up grievances in a speech like this, so my lock-on for Gordo is just about perfectly calibrated now

FancyShark

Once again, Carson is the biggest asshole. Every "adult" version of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys is a template

gellaho

Gordon is really harping on this "where does love go" thing

gellaho

Which has nothing to do with the books he's writing about

But, whatever

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Where does it go now??

(oh waaaow wah oh ohhh)

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Carolyn, you are really taking this way too hard for something you've known or suspected for like eight years now."

FancyShark

Yeah, those were definitely not the lyrics Gordon wrote for his garage band

gellaho

"Gulp," thought Frank

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"If you break up with your new boyfriend, that's on you and you being a weirdo."

FancyShark

"So it went good? Because it sounds like it went good."

gellaho

I would love to hear about some chums

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Um.........okay.......I guess I should tell you that I stole some of Hemingway's juvenalia before I met you, then? Are secrets lies? I am not clear on the rules here."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

In Carolyn's defense, would a weirdo take fuck advice from divorce witch Gertrude Stein?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

YEEE DOGGO!

gellaho

Lovely lovies lovelies love lovily

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Shut up about Gertrude, book, tell us about her dog! Is it a French Bulldog? Toy Poodle? Oooooh maybe a King Charles Spaniel!?

FancyShark

Was this originally a soap opera/literary figure slashfic? It's so hard to get a handle on what to find interesting

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Does it like treats? Can we pet it?

WHOSAGOODBOYYYYY?!

gellaho

Very douchy, ma'am

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

"I swear I've read Stein's works," said Gordon.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Im not familiar with Gertrude Stein as a person but I wonder if portraying her as this smug and self aggrandizing is coming from Gordon having to read poetry in high school and hating it.

Because if I were writing a novel where, say, Nathaniel Hawthorne was a character, he would be a shithead like this.

gellaho

I wanted to give girls heroin

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Schoolgirls love heroin.....es.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Carolyn wanted to give girls a heroine, and Gordo clearly did not

gellaho

Fuck off, Gordon

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also its the late 1920s, Carolyn. Lady Satan will happen in maybe 12 ish years.

FancyShark

"I want my heroine to struggle to deduce basic clues and then struggle to get ahold of a gun that is never fired at her."

gellaho

These conversations are exhausting

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

Every. Imagined. Conversation.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Oh fuck off, Trudy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"No actually I kind of think you're a real so and so, Gertie."

gellaho

Gordon, you do realize these are mysteries, right?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank secretly trying to figure out a way to tell Gertrude Stein she should make him a sandwich.

FancyShark

"A real story is about people wandering around Europe having conversations on the nature of literary questions like 'What do you think of this sentence?'"

gellaho

No, Carolyn's right

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Carolyn, you realize Agatha Christie is now very successful at the very job you want to do, right?

Like as you stand there yammering at Gertrude Stein.

gellaho

Carolyn's going to do some unspeakable things to Frank that she learned in dive bars

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Carolyn wants to overthrow the God of every sheltered white girl in the 1920s. Her dad.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That guy's not going to be the only one improvising with a flute in a second :FuckApe:

gellaho

Look, Edgar Allen Poe only invented the detective mystery right before she was born. She's got to catch up

FancyShark

Meanwhile, Joe's remains have broken down into fertilizer and the nutrients have already been absorbed by a handful of wheat

gellaho

GDC

Can't stay for the rest of this, but good luck everyone.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or he's fighting communists in the streets of Berlin in the company of a neicefucker with a horse whip.

FancyShark

Take care, @GDC !

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Gertrude executed another Veronica. Just pulled a .38 from her purse and capped her right in the head.

#BarchieForever

gellaho

Joe's mother-in-law has been stalking Frank

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Basket has to be a French bulldog.

FancyShark

What would happen if Frank Dixon and Carolyn Keene were real people? They'd watch Gertrude Stein play with a doggo. No, the bus doesn't stop for almost five minutes. There's no point pulling that cord.

It was she!

gellaho

Very useful

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The crone has a great point, Frank. How do you survive being a detective with situational awareness like that?

FancyShark

She who is her!

If Madame Dufour had become Nately's Whore from Catch-22, this scene would have been more fun

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Frank Hardy seems to do just fine, tbf

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank Hardy also has karate.

And a brother who isnt currently fertilizing French wheat.

gellaho

It's very weird to have these Frasier-esque comedic misunderstandings inamongst all this tragedy

gellaho

Just to think: I could be watching Frasier now instead of this. Oh, well

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Hey remember about how I promised to never lie to you? Well, funny story......"

gellaho

Suddenly, Carson is dead

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Just remember I lied about this before I promised not to, so it doesnt count. You cant get mad."

FancyShark

Daddy Issues Status: Resolved

gellaho

Such a fool, you

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Shit, old Fuckdaddy Carson went to his grave already, huh?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm 12 and this is so deep, man

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Gordon getting his "to be, or not to be?" shit in.

gellaho

Hey, Gordon? Fuck off

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

True, none of that "beloved husband and father" bullshit seemed real.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I can just picture him scribbling a half assed drawing of Carolyn hunched over her fathers grave clutching a skull and doing a soliloquy.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That's like eulogy boilerplate

gellaho

I pity the fool who says "fool" this much

FancyShark

Maybe now Frank will get around to finding his brother's corpse

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lying on gravestones is standard practice, thats why mine will read "Fuckmaster General and Lethal Weapon."

and "Thirty Time Kumite Champion, 2000-2024"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Shit, even the Zoom Kumites?

A powerful opponent you must truly be

FancyShark

The Zoomites

gellaho

How dare you lie to me about your short stories, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That's what I call it when more than one of my cats gets the zoomies and start running around.

gellaho

Still fresh 9 years later

Because even the worms cannot destroy Joe Hardy

Excuse me, "Dixon"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Bacteria responsible for decay shrink from his mighty fists.

FancyShark

Don't tell Gordon. I'm hoping he'll forget that instead of the entire subplot

gellaho

Carolyn fell asleep and missed her dad's funeral

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hey Carolyn, remember when you interrupted your dad fucking his girlfriend because you thought someone was breaking in or something? At 17? And you had a talk with her while she still smelled of your fathers fucksweat and aftershave? Was that worse than when your boyfriend lied to you?

gellaho

I thought she was in the graveyard, so that's impressive

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Damn Carolyn, thats fucking ice cold.

FancyShark

She slept through his funeral, just like she didn't sleep through him banging her stepmom. It's called justice.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What a flattering portrait of Carolyn Keene, beloved children's book author

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Fall asleep at a funeral." is next level issues.

gellaho

The book's almost over, Might as well bring Ned into this

FancyShark

"BING!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh real life George is probably not going to be the fun enby we all love who thinks vampires might be real. Dang.

FancyShark

Her entire group of friends is saying this in unison. It's not weird.

gellaho

Ned morphs into Bess mid-speech

FancyShark

"We are Legion, Carolyn! Hi, Carolyn!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Geonedbess the All Encompassing

Geonedbess the Ur Friend beckons you with familiarity, Carolyn!

FancyShark

Take our hand, Carolyn! Step through the gate and enter the realm of shadow, Carolyn!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The vampires only drink your blood here, Carolyn, not your love.

FancyShark

You have so much blood to give, Carolyn. And so much time in which to share it, Carolyn.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Come solve mysteries with us, Carolyn.

Forever and ever and ever.

gellaho

So she fucks off from the memorial, and walks to the elementary school

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Jesus, at least put different people's statements in different quotation mark sections.

gellaho

Her five year old half sister follows her there and they have a very long discussion

FancyShark

Don't listen to Mordred, Carolyn.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Yeah I'm sure the author did it to make us feel her confusion. 🙄

gellaho

Imagine this for like ten pages

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

When even our torturer is yadda yadda yadda-ing through the book you know it's a real stinker

FancyShark

Yes

Always

Sometimes

gellaho

It's fucking exhausting

FancyShark

I see gellaho more as a guide. The Vergil to our Dante

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Carolyn if you werent a fictionalized version of a dipshit you'd know no one is ever too old to learn.

gellaho

He somehow writes like it's being badly improvised

Frank's in London now

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh shit do we have a Beatrice?!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The only book that's being written as you read it!

FancyShark

Yes! It's the face on the books at the end!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh Jesus now we're stealing epigraphs from other books entirely. Fuck you, Gordon

FancyShark

Frank is really becoming a fleshed out character

Now we know he doesn't like tea

gellaho

Hey, guess what? Genevieve is dead

FancyShark

HAHAHAHA

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If you dont like tea, then why did you order it, Frank? Even in Merry Olde England you have to ask for shit before they bring it.

gellaho

Every time Frank gets a lead it's immediately a dead end

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Pin drop reveals by a craftsman at the top of his game

Bravo

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well thats what he gets for fucking around getting laid in France for eight years.

FancyShark

It's like he saw how tension works with Hardy Boys chapter endings and thought "what if this for every plot point?"

gellaho

You don't actually need to read this, but I want to illustrate something. All his dialogue are these short sentences back and forth, yeah?"

FancyShark

Yeah?

gellaho

Most of his prose is these long ass paragraphs

gellaho

I've never seen anything like that before

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

BOOOOOOOO LINE BREAK GORDON!

FancyShark

"Wrinkles in his trousers. So what?"

A+, Gordon

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

True art is incomprehensible. Ergo, true books are impossible to read.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Gordon writes like the drafting AI I use with my transcription work.

gellaho

Guess who's here now?

FancyShark

Joe?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

James Joyce, James Joyce, please say James Joyce.

FancyShark

Faulkner?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Georges Clemenceau

gellaho

That's right, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. But talking about Fairies

FancyShark

...

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh, just Arthur being himself then.

FancyShark

Eat a dick, Gordon

gellaho

Because talking about mysteries would make sense for this book and you can't have that

Gotta have his weird belief in fairies

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Points for historical authenticity tho.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You know, at least when Murdoch Mysteries brought in Conan Doyle to be a weirdo occultist, it was relevant to the mystery at hand

Brendan

Okay, what happened after the boat fuckin

FancyShark

Considering the point deficit Gordon has, it's not much help

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So much. So little.

FancyShark

NOTHING

FUCKING NOTHING

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Some book fucking.

FancyShark

Also, Carson's dead

BUT MOSTLY NOTHING

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And Joe's ex wife is also dead.

gellaho

Why, Gordon, why in the book is this

FancyShark

And Frank and Carolyn broke up because Frank stole some of Hemingway's stories

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like who wouldnt? I could crush so much ass if I had stolen some of Hemingways early writings.

gellaho

Well, that was fucking pointless

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He answered the questions in confidence.

Can you elaborate on that?

No.

gellaho

Guess who it is

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, Gordon, dont turn Doyle into some weird huckster.

FancyShark

It was Charles Nelson Reilly

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Albert Einstein.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

There was boat fuckin? I missed it?

Brendan

Gellaho called me a dork for liking it

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Joe?

gellaho

Joe, but weirdly mute

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

ICHABOD PERCIVAL FREELY.......oh damn its just fucking Joe.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha but he didn't!!! He didn't come anywhere close to finding him ever!!!!!!!!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"I decided not to come home because of the shame it would bring to the family."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

JOE JUST SHOWED UP ON HIS DOORSTEP ONE DAY SIGHT UNSEEN

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Jesus dude, its been like a decade, I didnt think it would take you this long."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"That I survived being bombed in my barracks while asleep."

FancyShark

Other way around, but yeah!