94.2: Mystery Box Gordon McAlpine

gellaho

Could people actually talk to each other, Gordon? And not this cryptic horseshit

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"Come in, I have beers. Deserted? Yeah, I did. Sorry. Say did you ever see a hundred thousand men die in minutes from the air? No? Yeah you should sit down."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Joe has been fighting Charlie Wilson's War this whole time

FancyShark

Now they go out for hamburgers

gellaho

Fuck you

gellaho

If Joe cared about Frank that much, he'd have fucking contacted him

It's been 10 years

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I call him Frank, even though it's not his name

FancyShark

"Okay, settle something for me: Are you a coward? I've got a bet going with Dad."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Sometimes he gets confused but what of it

gellaho

It's not Frank's name either

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah be pissed Frank, because it's not like the Great War was a big deal or something.

gellaho

Franklin is too hard to type, I guess

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He didn't even try to come home for ten years even after the threat of capital punishment was lifted so I'm gonna say yeah, he kind of is

gellaho

Frank punches Joe in the face

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Cant imagine why someone would want to go home after fucking off from WW1.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Sorry. I shouldn't have punched you in your own house. Now take your ass outside so I can beat you into a red smear on the rue."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah Joe getting in there with that survivors guilt.

And just think, all he did was shoot guys in shitty planes, he never brained a German teenager with a sharpened shovel or drowned a man in mud and shit.

FancyShark

Please, Gordon. Please make it that this is what inspires Dixon to have Joe's girlfriends keep blowing up and him feeling sad about it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe didnt have to sleep lightly knowing the rats would eat his fingers if he didnt.

FancyShark

All's Quiet on the Dixon Front

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"Yeah? Well I had it rough too, Joe. I had to fuck off and bum around Europe having sex and talking to famous people after the war!"

gellaho

The full story, which you've probably figured out. Joe left to see his lady, then came back and everyone was dead. He left with his pregnant wife. Then got a fake name, then she died from the flu. The end

Imagine that, but over several paragraphs

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"My girlfriend leaving me because I stole from Hemingway is a lot like you killing a bunch of people and deciding to not do that because your whole unit died in a freak shelling."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So he really did desert

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Captain Cocksauce was right? (⁠╯⁠°⁠□⁠°⁠）⁠╯⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Well, AWOL into desertion, but I don't think the brass would have seen it that way

gellaho

Fuck, this writing sucks ass

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I think it doesnt count when you come back and your whole barracks is ash and nobody is around.

gellaho

If you ever find yourself writing "he was like a ghost," throw everything away and start over

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Someone slap Gordon, his line break is jammed again.

FancyShark

If I slap Gordon, I'm going to need one of you to pull me away or I won't stop

gellaho

Then Joe leaves for no reason

FancyShark

And that is how Joe shifted his mortgage onto his brother

gellaho

I'm not sure Gordon understands familial love

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank you are legendarily easy to sneak by. Remember that old bat that tailed you for three days in France?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Reminder: this is all part of The Answer.

gellaho

To beat a dead horse: who is this for

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

At least Gordon remembered the line breaks this time.

gellaho

To be fair, Joe wrote that

Eat all of the dicks in the universe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe it took him over ten years of not looking very hard to find you the first time, you are both like in your thirties. By the time he found you again you'd both be ready to die.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Author the Dogshit.

FancyShark

"P.S. Never let a hack writer quote this in a shitty book about pseudonyms"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I hope Gordon gets stung by bees.

gellaho

Now imagine Bess fucking around in New York, Nancy Drew fans

FancyShark

Books like these make a strong case for breaking the Prime Directive

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This book is the first one that has ever made me wish I never learned to read.

FancyShark

It's definitely made me wish Gordon never learned to write

gellaho

Imagine: teen Carolyn Keene/Nancy Drew fucking a married man

gellaho

Who is this for

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If pacing is better than whiskey I think you might be drinking wrong.

FancyShark

Whoever they are, we need to find them and destroy them

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Sad and lonely Carolyn dumped Frank and is now fucking her Dad's living avatar.

And such is the circle of Girl With Daddy Issues Life.

FancyShark

That's right, sexually adventurous young women! Older men are there when you just need a warm body!

Ramb$ne

That's the plot of Duets

gellaho

She did that when she was a teen. Fun.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Couldn't have been. Duets was interesting.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Circle of Girl With Daddy Issues Life.

FancyShark

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Reminding young women of their father is how a certain kind of creep stays alive, its a really gross little ecosystem.

gellaho

Carolyn can't recognize the name of her own character in this book about how she wrote said character

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jeanne, I have enough French to know you absolutely can translate the difference between "Frank is fucking a woman named Nancy in the country." and "Frank has left the country because of a woman named Nancy."

Ramb$ne

Demonstrably false but a brave stance

gellaho

Frank sends her her own book

gellaho

Which she still hadn't finished even though she was 120 pages in years ago

FancyShark

It's another Hemingway story

gellaho

Frank wrote the end of it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You sent me my unfinished work that I forgot to take with me when I left, HOW CRUEL

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Yours, any way you please." is code for pegging.

gellaho

Then they get married

FancyShark

If Frank Dixon and Carolyn Keene were real, they'd be insufferable and blatant plagiarists

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And Hemingway is at their wedding?

Bullshit.

gellaho

Rushing through the actual plot, Gordon

FancyShark

He ran out of things for Gertrude Stein to say

gellaho

To onions

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT! DONT GET POLITICAL AT MY WEDDING SCOTT!"

Weirdly enough, Hemingway said that.

He's what, on his second or third wife by now?

FancyShark

"May no one here ever know the taste of a shotgun barrel!"

gellaho

You wish

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Gordon is making an extremely good argument here that some books ought to be burned.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"May you all know many years not being spied on by the government!"

FancyShark

Yes, like "amiable". It's the same root word.

Die in obscurity, Gordon

gellaho

And Carolyn wrote The Hardy Boys

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck you Judgy Gertie, people dont eat opium. You smoke it.

gellaho

Why, Gordon, why have you done this

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

By 1939 they have divorced, Europe is in flames.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Fuck you

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank foils a Nazi plot to kidnap American captains of industry that involves a double agent, Argentina, and a submarine.

FancyShark

"You've given me a reminder that my brother abandoned the family because he couldn't stand the thought of us knowing he didn't die when his friends and wife did."

gellaho

Yeah, whatever.

gellaho

Then did it again when I found him

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Carolyn wins "Best hoagie on the Eastern Seaboard!" for five years running.

gellaho

OK, sure

FancyShark

I'll treasure this reminder of my brother's cowardice forever

gellaho

Get the ghostwriters in there for no reason

FancyShark

"They died of leprosy."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jettisoning the entire premise of the book at the very last minute

FancyShark

"They deserved it."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A masterclass

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The ghostwriters gave us the Hardy Boys kung fu fighting a hot girls dad in Europe, so I really appreciate them.

gellaho

"The Real Characters" aka the dead people I used for my own ends

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

HOW IS THERE MORE

JUST END. ENNNNNND

FancyShark

Gordon spent a whole day in the library and you're going to read it

gellaho

Sure, end with a parenthetical about how the quote you obviously made up was made up

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"So I decided they should fuck and get married, because that's a normal thing to do with people who are "well accquainted"

gellaho

So, that's the end

FancyShark

WE DID IT!

gellaho

Frank never saw his brother Joe again and they wrote books about each other's childhood for the rest of time

What a stupid book

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Burn it. Burn it right now.

We cannot suffer its like to live.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The living envy the dead.

FancyShark

It's too clammy to burn. Cage it with Photon.

Let it feel fear.

gellaho

We have defeated Mystery Box

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Place it in the Moaning Labyrinth for the minotaur to keep.

He's been complaining he hasnt got enough to read.

gellaho

I wouldn't saddle Fatamatician with this

So concludes the 94:2 Edition of the Book Cage

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho ! And fuck you, Gordon!

gellaho

Coming up next time: the sequel to The Big Lie: The Death of Nancy Drew comics

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh good, we're not done disrespecting this venerable children's' classic yet

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

gellaho

Could they be the worst part of "Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew" Month?

Possibly

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

How

Could they be worse than this

FancyShark

Never ask that

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I refuse to believe such a thing might be possible. The mind rebels at the notion

FancyShark

We thought the murder cabin thing was the stupidest thing we'd ever read. Then we read the sequel.

Ramb$ne

Doona

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If this was a certain podcast I listen to, the host would now reveal that it got worse by being filled with venomous snakes.

FancyShark

oh hell, Doona

Ramb$ne

((*️⃣))

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or that the winter got so cold someone had to go and chop down the frozen tree made of human shit.

Ramb$ne

The France Curse hypothesis remains valid

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Moral is, it can always always get worse, and probably will.

FancyShark

Now it's time for pizza

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Let me live in hope, curse you

FancyShark

Have a good night, everyone!

Ramb$ne

I think that means there must be "Italy makes good book cage" right?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You need to play Dawn of War so you know hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.

Ramb$ne

Borodini in Steele, the guy in the Hardy Boys

gellaho

And France makes it terrible