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Could people actually talk to each other, Gordon? And not this cryptic horseshit
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Could people actually talk to each other, Gordon? And not this cryptic horseshit
"Come in, I have beers. Deserted? Yeah, I did. Sorry. Say did you ever see a hundred thousand men die in minutes from the air? No? Yeah you should sit down."
Joe has been fighting Charlie Wilson's War this whole time
Now they go out for hamburgers
Fuck you
If Joe cared about Frank that much, he'd have fucking contacted him
It's been 10 years
GIF
I call him Frank, even though it's not his name
"Okay, settle something for me: Are you a coward? I've got a bet going with Dad."
Sometimes he gets confused but what of it
It's not Frank's name either
Yeah be pissed Frank, because it's not like the Great War was a big deal or something.
Franklin is too hard to type, I guess
He didn't even try to come home for ten years even after the threat of capital punishment was lifted so I'm gonna say yeah, he kind of is
Frank punches Joe in the face
Cant imagine why someone would want to go home after fucking off from WW1.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have punched you in your own house. Now take your ass outside so I can beat you into a red smear on the rue."
Hahahah Joe getting in there with that survivors guilt.
And just think, all he did was shoot guys in shitty planes, he never brained a German teenager with a sharpened shovel or drowned a man in mud and shit.
Please, Gordon. Please make it that this is what inspires Dixon to have Joe's girlfriends keep blowing up and him feeling sad about it.
Joe didnt have to sleep lightly knowing the rats would eat his fingers if he didnt.
All's Quiet on the Dixon Front
"Yeah? Well I had it rough too, Joe. I had to fuck off and bum around Europe having sex and talking to famous people after the war!"
The full story, which you've probably figured out. Joe left to see his lady, then came back and everyone was dead. He left with his pregnant wife. Then got a fake name, then she died from the flu. The end
Imagine that, but over several paragraphs
"My girlfriend leaving me because I stole from Hemingway is a lot like you killing a bunch of people and deciding to not do that because your whole unit died in a freak shelling."
So he really did desert
Captain Cocksauce was right? (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Well, AWOL into desertion, but I don't think the brass would have seen it that way
Fuck, this writing sucks ass
I think it doesnt count when you come back and your whole barracks is ash and nobody is around.
If you ever find yourself writing "he was like a ghost," throw everything away and start over
Someone slap Gordon, his line break is jammed again.
If I slap Gordon, I'm going to need one of you to pull me away or I won't stop
Then Joe leaves for no reason
And that is how Joe shifted his mortgage onto his brother
I'm not sure Gordon understands familial love
Frank you are legendarily easy to sneak by. Remember that old bat that tailed you for three days in France?
Reminder: this is all part of The Answer.
To beat a dead horse: who is this for
At least Gordon remembered the line breaks this time.
To be fair, Joe wrote that
Eat all of the dicks in the universe
Joe it took him over ten years of not looking very hard to find you the first time, you are both like in your thirties. By the time he found you again you'd both be ready to die.
Author the Dogshit.
"P.S. Never let a hack writer quote this in a shitty book about pseudonyms"
I hope Gordon gets stung by bees.
Now imagine Bess fucking around in New York, Nancy Drew fans
Books like these make a strong case for breaking the Prime Directive
This book is the first one that has ever made me wish I never learned to read.
It's definitely made me wish Gordon never learned to write
Imagine: teen Carolyn Keene/Nancy Drew fucking a married man
Who is this for
If pacing is better than whiskey I think you might be drinking wrong.
Whoever they are, we need to find them and destroy them
Sad and lonely Carolyn dumped Frank and is now fucking her Dad's living avatar.
And such is the circle of Girl With Daddy Issues Life.
That's right, sexually adventurous young women! Older men are there when you just need a warm body!
That's the plot of Duets
She did that when she was a teen. Fun.
Couldn't have been. Duets was interesting.
Circle of Girl With Daddy Issues Life.
Reminding young women of their father is how a certain kind of creep stays alive, its a really gross little ecosystem.
Carolyn can't recognize the name of her own character in this book about how she wrote said character
Jeanne, I have enough French to know you absolutely can translate the difference between "Frank is fucking a woman named Nancy in the country." and "Frank has left the country because of a woman named Nancy."
Demonstrably false but a brave stance
Frank sends her her own book
Which she still hadn't finished even though she was 120 pages in years ago
It's another Hemingway story
Frank wrote the end of it
You sent me my unfinished work that I forgot to take with me when I left, HOW CRUEL
"Yours, any way you please." is code for pegging.
Then they get married
If Frank Dixon and Carolyn Keene were real, they'd be insufferable and blatant plagiarists
And Hemingway is at their wedding?
Bullshit.
Rushing through the actual plot, Gordon
He ran out of things for Gertrude Stein to say
To onions
"FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT! DONT GET POLITICAL AT MY WEDDING SCOTT!"
Weirdly enough, Hemingway said that.
He's what, on his second or third wife by now?
"May no one here ever know the taste of a shotgun barrel!"
You wish
Gordon is making an extremely good argument here that some books ought to be burned.
"May you all know many years not being spied on by the government!"
Yes, like "amiable". It's the same root word.
Die in obscurity, Gordon
And Carolyn wrote The Hardy Boys
Fuck you Judgy Gertie, people dont eat opium. You smoke it.
Why, Gordon, why have you done this
By 1939 they have divorced, Europe is in flames.
GIF
Fuck you
Frank foils a Nazi plot to kidnap American captains of industry that involves a double agent, Argentina, and a submarine.
"You've given me a reminder that my brother abandoned the family because he couldn't stand the thought of us knowing he didn't die when his friends and wife did."
Yeah, whatever.
Then did it again when I found him
Carolyn wins "Best hoagie on the Eastern Seaboard!" for five years running.
OK, sure
I'll treasure this reminder of my brother's cowardice forever
Get the ghostwriters in there for no reason
"They died of leprosy."
Jettisoning the entire premise of the book at the very last minute
"They deserved it."
A masterclass
The ghostwriters gave us the Hardy Boys kung fu fighting a hot girls dad in Europe, so I really appreciate them.
"The Real Characters" aka the dead people I used for my own ends
HOW IS THERE MORE
JUST END. ENNNNNND
Gordon spent a whole day in the library and you're going to read it
Sure, end with a parenthetical about how the quote you obviously made up was made up
"So I decided they should fuck and get married, because that's a normal thing to do with people who are "well accquainted"
So, that's the end
WE DID IT!
Frank never saw his brother Joe again and they wrote books about each other's childhood for the rest of time
What a stupid book
Burn it. Burn it right now.
We cannot suffer its like to live.
The living envy the dead.
It's too clammy to burn. Cage it with Photon.
Let it feel fear.
We have defeated Mystery Box
Place it in the Moaning Labyrinth for the minotaur to keep.
He's been complaining he hasnt got enough to read.
I wouldn't saddle Fatamatician with this
So concludes the 94:2 Edition of the Book Cage
Thank you, @gellaho ! And fuck you, Gordon!
Coming up next time: the sequel to The Big Lie: The Death of Nancy Drew comics
Oh good, we're not done disrespecting this venerable children's' classic yet
Great riffing, everyone!
Could they be the worst part of "Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew" Month?
Possibly
How
Could they be worse than this
Never ask that
I refuse to believe such a thing might be possible. The mind rebels at the notion
We thought the murder cabin thing was the stupidest thing we'd ever read. Then we read the sequel.
Doona
If this was a certain podcast I listen to, the host would now reveal that it got worse by being filled with venomous snakes.
oh hell, Doona
((*️⃣))
Or that the winter got so cold someone had to go and chop down the frozen tree made of human shit.
The France Curse hypothesis remains valid
Moral is, it can always always get worse, and probably will.
Now it's time for pizza
Let me live in hope, curse you
Have a good night, everyone!
I think that means there must be "Italy makes good book cage" right?
You need to play Dawn of War so you know hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
Borodini in Steele, the guy in the Hardy Boys
And France makes it terrible