94.2: Mystery Box Gordon McAlpine

gellaho

A brilliant idea

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

in like four years Hadley will be an ex-wife anyway.\

FancyShark

Hemingway skiing is more far fetched than anything else

I can only picture him trapping a bunch of skiers in a lodge and telling them how he fought a bear

gellaho

You don't need the details of the case, they are dull. Instead, here's more names

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's only 1923 tho so its more likely a graphic description of how he helped sift thru the remains of a munitions factory in Italy during the war.

FancyShark

This is approaching Assassin's Creed levels of famous people in one place for no reason

gellaho

"So famous, it might be tacky for an author to use as a reference"

FancyShark

"So famous it makes all other works look like the leavings of cowards and frauds"

gellaho

I hope you have room for some more names

FancyShark

Paris, Iowa

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

My god. This isn't even aggressively nothing, it's just nothing.

gellaho

EAT THE NAMES

FancyShark

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's over by Cedar Rapids.

Man I knew this was going to be what Gordie thought was "literary" but I hoped it was also not going to be boring.

gellaho

When I imagine the writer of "The Missing Chums," I picture a big fan of Picasso

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah sweettalk Gertrude Stein.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Why does everyone talk like they're in Game of Thrones

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Get in them granny panties.

"Shes talking about sweat, I'm IN!" thought Frank.

gellaho

I think you're supposed to be charmed by Gertrude Stein in this, but she's just kind of an asshole in this

gellaho

Who has like psychic powers and knows everything

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Inaccrochable

FancyShark

This is hitting closer to the Finding Forrester joke I made than I like

LyraV

Inacro...scooooped lol

I just keep hearing it over and over

gellaho

To the extent that Gordon makes her Jesus Christ here

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Gertrude Stein as a monologuing supervillain trying to protect the world from Hemingway's writing is... a choice

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GERTRUDE STEIN X ERNEST HEMINGWAY SLASHFIC, LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

FancyShark

"Hemingway's early work is like an albatross around his neck"?

Fuck you, Gordon

LyraV

Something about inaccrochable just does not sit right

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hey Gertie, maybe Hemingway is still kinda sore about that older woman who left him for an Italian officer? Maybe you should fuck off.

FancyShark

Apparently it means, roughly, that something is too sexual to be sold or displayed

GDC

it sounds like she was either going for inaccurate or unapproachable and just kind of flubbed it

gellaho

"My sight tells me they will divorce, for I know all"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Art is nothing if not a dirty, dirty whore.

This is known.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah imagine being an author who blames Hemingways divorces on the raw creative force of art pushing the ignorant away, when it was just how he dealt with that nurse choosing the Italian sausage.

gellaho

Alrighty

GDC

She's still banging Chet on the side, though

gellaho

I'm not sure how he knows that, what with being in France

FancyShark

Ay, Tony got a Callie army!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh so this is what Pizza Tower is about, right?

FancyShark

This is almost making the noir comic look inviting

Brendan

Gertrude Stein is one of those people living time backwards.

FancyShark

Like Merlin or the guy at the barber shop

Brendan

"And you, my boy, my darling Francis, you have the most interesting end of us all. My fae sight tells me so."

gellaho

Frank left Princeton. Why? Fuck you for asking. Also, he's a pilot too

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Can we go back to the part where Carolyn leaves her family because she doesnt want to listen to her dad fuck?

FancyShark

No! Gellaho said that's most of the book! Savor this!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That was more fun than listening to Gertrude Stein: Divorce Oracle.

gellaho

She left because that would bring Carson's floozy back. Somehow

Spoiler alert: it works

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank, its been five years, you need to get over your brother being a dead coward who died in spectacular fashion.

gellaho

So, after getting the suitcase from Gerty, Frank loses it the next day

Brendan

Classic Chet

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Goddammit Frank, you suck worse than the Hardy Boys by a lot.

gellaho

I hope liked that story about Frank failing as a detective

Brendan

Frank ceased to care. He was utterly railing that college valedictorian.

gellaho

Anyway, Carolyn is on a boat with F Scott Fitzgerald

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Brendan

The Clue in the Cock: A Carolyn Keene Adventure

gellaho

Make note that every time we go back to Carolyn, her character and job will change

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She's living that fast paced 20s woman lifestyle.

FancyShark

I hope Fitzgerald spends the whole time staring at a light on a pier

gellaho

She's a poet now

Brendan

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Count Orlovsky sounds like a name I'd have given to a grifter or a vampire.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Count Orlovsky is Count Orlok trying to go incognito and failing.

gellaho

F asks her to babysit his wife

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is going to turn into Last Voyage of the Demeter real fucking quick.

Brendan

Carolyn Keene gave a franc to a begging French flower girl. Merci, ma belle cherie, murmured the young woman , de moi, Coco Chanel.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like a good grifter who fled Russia one step ahead of the Okhrana after fucking the Tsarina and stealing a million dollars in diamonds.

gellaho

Oh, also, she toured Europe and fucked around in New York dive bars

FancyShark

If we get Hemingway and Fitzgerald's feud in this book, I might forgive it

gellaho

Reminder: this is supposed to explain why she wrote Nancy Drew

Which, again, is just an autobiography of her time as a child

so this is all pointless

FancyShark

This really feels like it could have been its own terrible novel without the Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys angle

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nancy Drew and the Case of The French Dadfucker.

gellaho

And now, Gordon has forgotten how he wrote Carson. So he disapproves of her travels after telling her to travel

FancyShark

Because Nancy Drew books are crammed with poetry

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Oh no, traveling to Europe is fine.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew as adults fanfic, but he got a cease and desist

FancyShark

That tracks

Brendan

Weirdest episode of Outlander yet.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

File 👏 off 👏 the👏 serial 👏 numbers!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Not enough rape for it to be Outlander yet

gellaho

Carolyn continues to ask strangers weird questions about love

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I think her dad just disapproves of the French opium dens and such.

FancyShark

Because if anyone knows about love, it's Zelda Fitzgerald

gellaho

If you wanted to know how good her poetry is

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Hey leave that emotional shit at the door, you bitch. Zelda OUUUUUUUUT!"

FancyShark

pfffffft

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A stupid author's idea of insightful, minimalist prose

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

A mermaid tosses it back with notes

GDC

"Why does everyone call my questions sticky shit?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahahha that sucked so bad, the fishes are laughing at it Carolyn. All the little poop eating fishes think your poetry is terrible.

gellaho

Then Carolyn pesters famous non-poet F Scott on whether she can be a great poet

gellaho

And decides to give up on that completely

FancyShark

Not even Finding Forrester tried this hard

Brendan

I ca'nt really criticize this mingling of real-life figures with low pop given my projects, but it's still me trying to picture the audience for ZeldaFitzgerald giving Nancy Drew's author fuck-wisely directions.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I mean I meant you should discover your own poetry inside yourself but quitting entirely is fine too."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"No I mean I literally can't say based on a total noob's first attempts."

gellaho

You wanted to here about how the author of Nancy Drew used to fuck any idiot in New York, right?

FancyShark

To be fair, your projects don't treat this like a brilliant, serious concept

gellaho

Who is this for

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Cage

Brendan

Blue is always blue

so speak blue words to me

as you play your blue guitar

in my fuck-cot

gellaho

Anyway, back to asking strangers about love

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Count Orlovsky, the 81 year old mummy, used to tell her her poetry was "intoxicatingly sensual."

FancyShark

Dabadeedabadah

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

blue is always

blue da ba dee

da ba die

fuck, scooped

gellaho

This really helps me understand the Nancy Drew character

GDC

If you can't tell that Nancy Drew was written by someone who slept around in new york speakeasies, you're beyond help

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Wow, everyone's parents suck.

"Yeah, uh, maybe not, honey, I kinda have a good thing going on now with my new family..."

gellaho

This book can only be a nostalgia play, but people who liked Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys don't want this

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Carolyn...... I have like four half sisters. I only know one because I was raised with her. Its EASY AS FUCK to have half siblings.

gellaho

"So, like, this will be about Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys when they grow up. Except, one is dead and all their family lives suck. And they fucked around France for a while. Oh, and also? They're the authors instead."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You dont even need to do anything to get half sibs, its all someone elses effort.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Two of my cousins are half siblings and they and no one else ever treated it any different.

gellaho

Anyway, Carolyn has to babysit the Fitzgerald's kid and Gordon remembers his own premise. But then does it extremely badly

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And Frank Dixon doesnt karate fight anyone.

gellaho

"The Middle West of America"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

NOBODY CALLS IT THAT, CAROLYN!

FAKE MIDWESTERNER!

FancyShark

"As a tribute to Nancy Drew, I'm going to say that Carolyn Keene was a hack who stole the entire concept from a child"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

So Nancy Drew started as a bedtime story for the Fitzgeralds' kid 😒

gellaho

(Three Years Later)

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Probably the most true thing you can say about the person behind the Carolyn Keene pen name, in hindsight

FancyShark

Fucking what?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Good thing Scottie didn't say "jerk off" or "torture small animals"

gellaho

Reminder that Frank is supposed to be looking for Joe but has just been fucking around Paris for years

FancyShark

He noticed a blur?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank stole Bravestarr's eyes of the hawk.

The bastard.

FancyShark

Are we jumping forward in time with each chapter? Are we going to see them only decide to write fun stories when they're hours from death?

gellaho

Gertrude Stein told him to fly some dude's wife around. Moving on

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That dude? James Joyce.

FancyShark

GIF

Brendan

Nancy Drew sprung fully formed like Athena from Carolyn's brow.

gellaho

Carolyn Keene gets drunk to meet Hemingway

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

After a huge fucking migraine

FancyShark

Okay, drinking before meeting Hemingway is just smart

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Look, I don't trust this guy with accurate measurements anymore after the three-foot wall clock, okay?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I mean, when in Rome

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

T-Minus like one year ish til Hemingway Divorce #1!

Brendan

FINALLY I was here for a Bravestarr sighting.

gellaho

Spin the Wheel: Carolyn is now a

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Call girl

FancyShark

Model

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Railjack.

gellaho

That's right, writer for Vogue

FancyShark

Dammit

Brendan

Drunk

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

But are the hills like white elephants?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay but who ISNT a writer for Vogue?

Brendan

Every protagonista in a metro capital

gellaho

Gordon really wants you to think about Nancy Drew fucking around in dive bars

Brendan

Reader, I MARRIED him, then divorced him because Gertrude Stein said I would

gellaho

She's taken up smoking

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Ganja?

Or opium

FancyShark

Meth

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay a half dozen in like six years is not that many Carolyn.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I don't think it was invented yet?

Carolyn, that's one per year.

FancyShark

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That isnt even a fuck rampage.

gellaho

I want you to know that this conversation with Ernest Hemingway goes on for 9 pages

Brendan

GIF

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Does Carolyn get to say anything during it?

gellaho

Can't cut gold like this

Brendan

How ironic.

gellaho

Oh, also, she started writing most of Nancy Drew off page

gellaho

Because fuck you, reader

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This is like someone wanted to write the Hemingway biography of his fantasy but is too bad of a writer to write Hemingway.

FancyShark

Gordon must've written out every imaginary conversation he's ever had with these authors

gellaho

You are indeed wise

This conversation about this sentence goes on for four of those pages

FancyShark

That sentence is: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Kick writings ass." Hemingway says, not knowing that in 10 years he will watch fascism destroy Spain.

gellaho

I'm just going to show you most of this because it is intermidable

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I think he meant to say that writing kicks ass. 🤘

Brendan

Hemingway dragged himself across Paris to help copy-edit Nany Drew and she doesn't want to burden him with anything worth his input.

gellaho

FancyShark

This writing is so masturbatory I'm starting to think Brooke McEldowney wrote it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's certainly wordy enough

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This is why the FBI started tormenting Hemingway.

Brendan

"Make your sentences longer, Carolyn!" roared Ernie. "Readers want ALL the details!"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

OMG you have to get through a couple rewrites before you start torturing individual sentences like this.

FancyShark

Gordon giving us a transcript of a conversation with his editor, because they already said they'd publish

gellaho

Four pages later, the conversation ends, having accomplished very little

Brendan

"Writing is like an iceberg. It should take a great deal of time to carve deep trenches on the landscape."

GDC

"I appreciate the advice Ernest, but these books are going to be for eight year olds. They're not picky."

FancyShark

"Except for those of us that were raised by wolves. Then the upbringing is mostly meat."

gellaho

Gordon must have mixed up Fenton and Carson, because now Fenton wants Frank back

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Carolyn, have you considered that you are a little bit of a silly moo if you think your upbringing was anything less than great? You went to high school, graduated, and your dad let you wander around Europe."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GET TO THE VOLCANO NUKE, YOU HACK.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh right, you never found your obviously dead brother, huh, Frank?

FancyShark

"Son, on second thought, I've decided your brother didn't die a coward. Please come home to take over the family business of being an ex-cop."

GDC

Fenton opened a hardware store and didn't call it Hardyware?

FancyShark

This book was written by a soulless husk

gellaho

Frank gets his first clue on page 88

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I guess in this world it would have been called Dixonware, huh

gellaho

Fenton also can't be old enough to retire, but don't tell Gordon that

FancyShark

Genevieve is European for "car bomb"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Clue? Oh right, its supposed to be a mystery.

FancyShark

So far the only mystery is how this got published

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I wish Gordo would get a clue and dump this manuscript in the trash already

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Before it was renamed the Thatcher Express.

GDC

He was heavily pressured into retiring after the incident.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Carolyn considers the only thing people know F Scott Fitzgerald for

FancyShark

"Also, spoilers for The Great Gatsby, readers"

Brendan

But Nancy dreamed of that orgiastic black mist.

gellaho

Ernest Hemingway tells a risqué story about Nancy's stepmom

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Boy a novel about a novelist comparing themselves and talking about way better contemporary novelists is really fun.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If you told me Nancy Drew was incepted by a stepmom cucking Carolyn Keene with every person she's ever personally met, I would not have believed you.

I still don't.

FancyShark

This is like being stuck by a braggart at a dull party, but it's a book

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This truly is the Year of Pain

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Honestly I've been on board for most of the pain, Nancy Drew having to be convinced that no, vampires are not real was a great time.

gellaho

It's very convenient Ernest Hemingway knows this gossip about Carolyn's dad

gellaho

FancyShark

Oh, I still love reading these with you all. It doesn't change that this writing is terrible

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's incredible. The reveals aren't even reveals. They're not even anything.

gellaho

What would you say about a fake abortion

FancyShark

"I heard the daughter ran away after Anne let the attorney do the thing he kept begging to do"

FancyShark

You mean a child?

BOOM

Brendan

Boy, really let the air out of the room with this story about pretending to let the air in.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I completely dont believe Ernest Hemingway would care so much about Carolyn Keene that he'd remember all this.

gellaho

A perfect time for a meet cute

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Love at first "You seem fine."

FancyShark

Smash cut to them dissolving Hemingway in lye

gellaho

He doesn't care about her, he cares about her sexy stepmom

I'm pretty sure good supercedes real

Brendan

In the background Hemingway continued, "I distinctly remember her saying the attorney cackled with glee! He was overjoyed his wife died! Could finally chase his stupid kid out of the house."

This guy writes books like a lot of people whose day job is teaching Creative Writing, take it from me, a CW major.

FancyShark

Brother!

gellaho

"I came out to prove Joe's virtue, but it turns out he did go awol. So, uh, Oops."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Real is more important than good." is kind of a dipshit thing to say.

gellaho

She's supposed to be a valedictorian

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its boring ME, Frank. And you still wont stop.

FancyShark

What we didn't know was that she's home schooled

Brendan

Men, you are hereby forbidden from marrying all those farm girls whose barns you storm.

FancyShark

awwww

GDC

This is still less boring than Hemmingway being drunk and horny about her ex-stepmom

gellaho

"If you want to date, call me at work"

whois -H john.galt

this reads like a much worse Midnight in Paris, and I despise Midnight in Paris

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Remember lads, keep your seed for Britain. Butt stuff only."

FancyShark

This book is pain

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"You seem nice." is usually how women tell you you arent going to get your bayonet wet, Frank.

Brendan

Most girls only get a job in Paris to meet a nice young man who will give them a house in Connecticut while wailing about all the blood on their family's hands.

gellaho

Oh, so now it's in Paris

FancyShark

Gordon needs to jump forward another decade so we can get some nazis to finish off the hack writer bingo

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Or how men tell them that they will, in the way that the bayonet isn't an innuendo

Brendan

Gordon is straining so hard for meaningful epigraphs

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

gotta love that he's quoting a pseudonym for the sweatshop of hardy boys writers

gellaho

So they're in love now

gellaho

Because again, fuck you reader for expecting me to write things

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Naturally, naturally

FancyShark

They are young, white and presumably attractive. The foundation for a relationship is already there.

gellaho

Investigation is going great