gellaho
A brilliant idea
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A brilliant idea
in like four years Hadley will be an ex-wife anyway.\
Hemingway skiing is more far fetched than anything else
I can only picture him trapping a bunch of skiers in a lodge and telling them how he fought a bear
You don't need the details of the case, they are dull. Instead, here's more names
It's only 1923 tho so its more likely a graphic description of how he helped sift thru the remains of a munitions factory in Italy during the war.
This is approaching Assassin's Creed levels of famous people in one place for no reason
"So famous, it might be tacky for an author to use as a reference"
"So famous it makes all other works look like the leavings of cowards and frauds"
I hope you have room for some more names
Paris, Iowa
My god. This isn't even aggressively nothing, it's just nothing.
EAT THE NAMES
GIF
It's over by Cedar Rapids.
Man I knew this was going to be what Gordie thought was "literary" but I hoped it was also not going to be boring.
When I imagine the writer of "The Missing Chums," I picture a big fan of Picasso
Yeah sweettalk Gertrude Stein.
Why does everyone talk like they're in Game of Thrones
Get in them granny panties.
"Shes talking about sweat, I'm IN!" thought Frank.
I think you're supposed to be charmed by Gertrude Stein in this, but she's just kind of an asshole in this
Who has like psychic powers and knows everything
Inaccrochable
This is hitting closer to the Finding Forrester joke I made than I like
Inacro...scooooped lol
I just keep hearing it over and over
To the extent that Gordon makes her Jesus Christ here
Gertrude Stein as a monologuing supervillain trying to protect the world from Hemingway's writing is... a choice
GERTRUDE STEIN X ERNEST HEMINGWAY SLASHFIC, LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Hemingway's early work is like an albatross around his neck"?
Fuck you, Gordon
Something about inaccrochable just does not sit right
Hey Gertie, maybe Hemingway is still kinda sore about that older woman who left him for an Italian officer? Maybe you should fuck off.
Apparently it means, roughly, that something is too sexual to be sold or displayed
it sounds like she was either going for inaccurate or unapproachable and just kind of flubbed it
"My sight tells me they will divorce, for I know all"
Art is nothing if not a dirty, dirty whore.
This is known.
Hahahahah imagine being an author who blames Hemingways divorces on the raw creative force of art pushing the ignorant away, when it was just how he dealt with that nurse choosing the Italian sausage.
Alrighty
She's still banging Chet on the side, though
I'm not sure how he knows that, what with being in France
Ay, Tony got a Callie army!
Oh so this is what Pizza Tower is about, right?
This is almost making the noir comic look inviting
Gertrude Stein is one of those people living time backwards.
Like Merlin or the guy at the barber shop
"And you, my boy, my darling Francis, you have the most interesting end of us all. My fae sight tells me so."
Frank left Princeton. Why? Fuck you for asking. Also, he's a pilot too
Can we go back to the part where Carolyn leaves her family because she doesnt want to listen to her dad fuck?
No! Gellaho said that's most of the book! Savor this!
That was more fun than listening to Gertrude Stein: Divorce Oracle.
She left because that would bring Carson's floozy back. Somehow
Spoiler alert: it works
Frank, its been five years, you need to get over your brother being a dead coward who died in spectacular fashion.
So, after getting the suitcase from Gerty, Frank loses it the next day
Classic Chet
Goddammit Frank, you suck worse than the Hardy Boys by a lot.
I hope liked that story about Frank failing as a detective
Frank ceased to care. He was utterly railing that college valedictorian.
Anyway, Carolyn is on a boat with F Scott Fitzgerald
GIF
The Clue in the Cock: A Carolyn Keene Adventure
Make note that every time we go back to Carolyn, her character and job will change
She's living that fast paced 20s woman lifestyle.
I hope Fitzgerald spends the whole time staring at a light on a pier
She's a poet now
GIF
Count Orlovsky sounds like a name I'd have given to a grifter or a vampire.
Count Orlovsky is Count Orlok trying to go incognito and failing.
F asks her to babysit his wife
This is going to turn into Last Voyage of the Demeter real fucking quick.
Carolyn Keene gave a franc to a begging French flower girl. Merci, ma belle cherie, murmured the young woman , de moi, Coco Chanel.
Like a good grifter who fled Russia one step ahead of the Okhrana after fucking the Tsarina and stealing a million dollars in diamonds.
Oh, also, she toured Europe and fucked around in New York dive bars
If we get Hemingway and Fitzgerald's feud in this book, I might forgive it
Reminder: this is supposed to explain why she wrote Nancy Drew
Which, again, is just an autobiography of her time as a child
so this is all pointless
This really feels like it could have been its own terrible novel without the Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys angle
Nancy Drew and the Case of The French Dadfucker.
And now, Gordon has forgotten how he wrote Carson. So he disapproves of her travels after telling her to travel
Because Nancy Drew books are crammed with poetry
Oh no, traveling to Europe is fine.
I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew as adults fanfic, but he got a cease and desist
That tracks
Weirdest episode of Outlander yet.
File π off π theπ serial π numbers!
Not enough rape for it to be Outlander yet
Carolyn continues to ask strangers weird questions about love
I think her dad just disapproves of the French opium dens and such.
Because if anyone knows about love, it's Zelda Fitzgerald
If you wanted to know how good her poetry is
"Hey leave that emotional shit at the door, you bitch. Zelda OUUUUUUUUT!"
pfffffft
A stupid author's idea of insightful, minimalist prose
A mermaid tosses it back with notes
"Why does everyone call my questions sticky shit?"
Hahahahahha that sucked so bad, the fishes are laughing at it Carolyn. All the little poop eating fishes think your poetry is terrible.
Then Carolyn pesters famous non-poet F Scott on whether she can be a great poet
And decides to give up on that completely
Not even Finding Forrester tried this hard
I ca'nt really criticize this mingling of real-life figures with low pop given my projects, but it's still me trying to picture the audience for ZeldaFitzgerald giving Nancy Drew's author fuck-wisely directions.
"I mean I meant you should discover your own poetry inside yourself but quitting entirely is fine too."
"No I mean I literally can't say based on a total noob's first attempts."
You wanted to here about how the author of Nancy Drew used to fuck any idiot in New York, right?
To be fair, your projects don't treat this like a brilliant, serious concept
Who is this for
The Cage
Blue is always blue
so speak blue words to me
as you play your blue guitar
in my fuck-cot
Anyway, back to asking strangers about love
Count Orlovsky, the 81 year old mummy, used to tell her her poetry was "intoxicatingly sensual."
Dabadeedabadah
blue is always
blue da ba dee
da ba die
fuck, scooped
This really helps me understand the Nancy Drew character
If you can't tell that Nancy Drew was written by someone who slept around in new york speakeasies, you're beyond help
GIF
Wow, everyone's parents suck.
"Yeah, uh, maybe not, honey, I kinda have a good thing going on now with my new family..."
This book can only be a nostalgia play, but people who liked Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys don't want this
Carolyn...... I have like four half sisters. I only know one because I was raised with her. Its EASY AS FUCK to have half siblings.
"So, like, this will be about Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys when they grow up. Except, one is dead and all their family lives suck. And they fucked around France for a while. Oh, and also? They're the authors instead."
You dont even need to do anything to get half sibs, its all someone elses effort.
Two of my cousins are half siblings and they and no one else ever treated it any different.
Anyway, Carolyn has to babysit the Fitzgerald's kid and Gordon remembers his own premise. But then does it extremely badly
And Frank Dixon doesnt karate fight anyone.
"The Middle West of America"
NOBODY CALLS IT THAT, CAROLYN!
FAKE MIDWESTERNER!
"As a tribute to Nancy Drew, I'm going to say that Carolyn Keene was a hack who stole the entire concept from a child"
So Nancy Drew started as a bedtime story for the Fitzgeralds' kid π
(Three Years Later)
Probably the most true thing you can say about the person behind the Carolyn Keene pen name, in hindsight
Fucking what?
Good thing Scottie didn't say "jerk off" or "torture small animals"
Reminder that Frank is supposed to be looking for Joe but has just been fucking around Paris for years
He noticed a blur?
Frank stole Bravestarr's eyes of the hawk.
The bastard.
Are we jumping forward in time with each chapter? Are we going to see them only decide to write fun stories when they're hours from death?
Gertrude Stein told him to fly some dude's wife around. Moving on
That dude? James Joyce.
GIF
Nancy Drew sprung fully formed like Athena from Carolyn's brow.
Carolyn Keene gets drunk to meet Hemingway
After a huge fucking migraine
Okay, drinking before meeting Hemingway is just smart
Look, I don't trust this guy with accurate measurements anymore after the three-foot wall clock, okay?
I mean, when in Rome
T-Minus like one year ish til Hemingway Divorce #1!
FINALLY I was here for a Bravestarr sighting.
Spin the Wheel: Carolyn is now a
Call girl
Model
Railjack.
That's right, writer for Vogue
Dammit
Drunk
But are the hills like white elephants?
Okay but who ISNT a writer for Vogue?
Every protagonista in a metro capital
Gordon really wants you to think about Nancy Drew fucking around in dive bars
Reader, I MARRIED him, then divorced him because Gertrude Stein said I would
She's taken up smoking
Ganja?
Or opium
Meth
Okay a half dozen in like six years is not that many Carolyn.
I don't think it was invented yet?
Carolyn, that's one per year.
GIF
That isnt even a fuck rampage.
I want you to know that this conversation with Ernest Hemingway goes on for 9 pages
GIF
Does Carolyn get to say anything during it?
Can't cut gold like this
How ironic.
Oh, also, she started writing most of Nancy Drew off page
Because fuck you, reader
This is like someone wanted to write the Hemingway biography of his fantasy but is too bad of a writer to write Hemingway.
Gordon must've written out every imaginary conversation he's ever had with these authors
You are indeed wise
This conversation about this sentence goes on for four of those pages
That sentence is: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"
"Kick writings ass." Hemingway says, not knowing that in 10 years he will watch fascism destroy Spain.
I'm just going to show you most of this because it is intermidable
I think he meant to say that writing kicks ass. π€
Hemingway dragged himself across Paris to help copy-edit Nany Drew and she doesn't want to burden him with anything worth his input.
This writing is so masturbatory I'm starting to think Brooke McEldowney wrote it
It's certainly wordy enough
This is why the FBI started tormenting Hemingway.
"Make your sentences longer, Carolyn!" roared Ernie. "Readers want ALL the details!"
OMG you have to get through a couple rewrites before you start torturing individual sentences like this.
Gordon giving us a transcript of a conversation with his editor, because they already said they'd publish
Four pages later, the conversation ends, having accomplished very little
"Writing is like an iceberg. It should take a great deal of time to carve deep trenches on the landscape."
"I appreciate the advice Ernest, but these books are going to be for eight year olds. They're not picky."
"Except for those of us that were raised by wolves. Then the upbringing is mostly meat."
Gordon must have mixed up Fenton and Carson, because now Fenton wants Frank back
"Carolyn, have you considered that you are a little bit of a silly moo if you think your upbringing was anything less than great? You went to high school, graduated, and your dad let you wander around Europe."
GET TO THE VOLCANO NUKE, YOU HACK.
Oh right, you never found your obviously dead brother, huh, Frank?
"Son, on second thought, I've decided your brother didn't die a coward. Please come home to take over the family business of being an ex-cop."
Fenton opened a hardware store and didn't call it Hardyware?
This book was written by a soulless husk
Frank gets his first clue on page 88
I guess in this world it would have been called Dixonware, huh
Fenton also can't be old enough to retire, but don't tell Gordon that
Genevieve is European for "car bomb"
Clue? Oh right, its supposed to be a mystery.
So far the only mystery is how this got published
I wish Gordo would get a clue and dump this manuscript in the trash already
Before it was renamed the Thatcher Express.
He was heavily pressured into retiring after the incident.
Meanwhile, Carolyn considers the only thing people know F Scott Fitzgerald for
"Also, spoilers for The Great Gatsby, readers"
But Nancy dreamed of that orgiastic black mist.
Ernest Hemingway tells a risquΓ© story about Nancy's stepmom
Boy a novel about a novelist comparing themselves and talking about way better contemporary novelists is really fun.
If you told me Nancy Drew was incepted by a stepmom cucking Carolyn Keene with every person she's ever personally met, I would not have believed you.
I still don't.
This is like being stuck by a braggart at a dull party, but it's a book
This truly is the Year of Pain
Honestly I've been on board for most of the pain, Nancy Drew having to be convinced that no, vampires are not real was a great time.
It's very convenient Ernest Hemingway knows this gossip about Carolyn's dad
Oh, I still love reading these with you all. It doesn't change that this writing is terrible
It's incredible. The reveals aren't even reveals. They're not even anything.
What would you say about a fake abortion
"I heard the daughter ran away after Anne let the attorney do the thing he kept begging to do"
You mean a child?
BOOM
Boy, really let the air out of the room with this story about pretending to let the air in.
I completely dont believe Ernest Hemingway would care so much about Carolyn Keene that he'd remember all this.
A perfect time for a meet cute
Love at first "You seem fine."
Smash cut to them dissolving Hemingway in lye
He doesn't care about her, he cares about her sexy stepmom
I'm pretty sure good supercedes real
In the background Hemingway continued, "I distinctly remember her saying the attorney cackled with glee! He was overjoyed his wife died! Could finally chase his stupid kid out of the house."
This guy writes books like a lot of people whose day job is teaching Creative Writing, take it from me, a CW major.
Brother!
"I came out to prove Joe's virtue, but it turns out he did go awol. So, uh, Oops."
"Real is more important than good." is kind of a dipshit thing to say.
She's supposed to be a valedictorian
Its boring ME, Frank. And you still wont stop.
What we didn't know was that she's home schooled
Men, you are hereby forbidden from marrying all those farm girls whose barns you storm.
awwww
This is still less boring than Hemmingway being drunk and horny about her ex-stepmom
"If you want to date, call me at work"
this reads like a much worse Midnight in Paris, and I despise Midnight in Paris
"Remember lads, keep your seed for Britain. Butt stuff only."
This book is pain
"You seem nice." is usually how women tell you you arent going to get your bayonet wet, Frank.
Most girls only get a job in Paris to meet a nice young man who will give them a house in Connecticut while wailing about all the blood on their family's hands.
Oh, so now it's in Paris
Gordon needs to jump forward another decade so we can get some nazis to finish off the hack writer bingo
Or how men tell them that they will, in the way that the bayonet isn't an innuendo
Gordon is straining so hard for meaningful epigraphs
gotta love that he's quoting a pseudonym for the sweatshop of hardy boys writers
So they're in love now
Because again, fuck you reader for expecting me to write things
Naturally, naturally
They are young, white and presumably attractive. The foundation for a relationship is already there.
Investigation is going great