98: ON WHEELS John Jakes

Tags: The Year of Pain

The powerful and prophetic novel of tomorrow's warrior of the highway

Archive

gellaho: The Book Cage: Episode 98 - ON WHEELS; Our fallen king John Jakes is back and, well, just look at it. In the future, 10% of Americas population lives on the road. Always. If any member of the clan ever goes below 40 mph, they die. Featuring a cover that bafflingly mentions Slaughterhouse Five and Dune, it's a "brilliant prophetic novel of America's future lost generation." Come ON WHEELS, fellow Children of the Firebird, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": POP QUIZ HOTSHOT
bacteriamaster jakesy: John Jakes walked so Keanu Reeves could run in SPEED
waywardcross: "Just drove here from the post-Apocalypse and boy are my arms tires"
gellaho: A little under an hour until ON WHEELS by John Jakes. Spoiler alert for this preview
FancyShark: Was he born, born to be wild?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": I guess he really was born in motion if he's a screaming full grown man with wheels for arms and feet
Brendan: Last of the Dragonards VI: DOWNSHIFT
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": "Billy Spoiler Worships Speed"; I mean, it's a fine movie, but it's not that good
Brendan: Sounds more like Speed took its notes from Billy Spoiler; Billy Spoiler is Billy Karate's cousin. He shows up once per season like Tom Hanks on Family Ties.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": If Billy Spoiler's not a Turbo Teen what has any of this been for
gellaho: Let's ride.
FancyShark: Someone painted the answer to "why do you like cars?"
gellaho: RIP
gellaho: THE LAST AMERICAN HERO IS JUNIOR JOHNSON. YES!
FancyShark: YES!
gellaho: Little weird to quote a book about an old-time NASCAR driver for your future distopia, but you do you, Jakes; i / Low Gear
FancyShark: More lore, Jakes. More!; Give me so much tablesetting there isn't room for a guest
gellaho: Get on the radiophone
Brendan: It's weird how many sci-fi writers got bored, stuck in traffic, hated it, and thought, in the future, everyone will want to do this full-time.
GDC: Radiophones are how you know it's the future.
gellaho: I hate it when my brain coils
Brendan: Picture a phone in your car, but with the 500-mile spool of telephone wire removed from the rear axle.
FancyShark: God damn that light
gellaho: Boy, that sure is one sentence
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Oh my fucking god it sure is.; This is why Jakes is a book cage legend.
GDC: That's a lot of words for 'deathtrap'
FancyShark: Just Billy and his Pinto
GDC: His pinto with the check engine light on.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Billy Spoiler worships fiery combustion!!
gellaho: The far off past-future from the 1970s; Slapped, "dialled," and fiddled to get the intercar
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": God I love when sci fi is just normal shit with Jetpacks taped on.
Brendan: Billy doesn't stop for ANYTHING.
FancyShark: "He entered the car like an ape that had never seen a car before"
Brendan: He lives his life on the run. Run ON.
gellaho: Jobe Spoiler says explore the rearvision for the Ramps
Brendan: The real tragedy of Tiananmen Square was it voided this world's speculative history from ever coming true.
FancyShark: "Ramps. I only heard of these in songs and stories."
Brendan: So Billy Karate is a first cousin then?
gellaho: Billy's leakin'
gellaho: They call their internal combustion engine cars "mothers" for some reason
GDC: "nope, just the Flintstones kind"
FancyShark: Freud goes to get a fresh notebook
gellaho: The lugubrious, always cheering gravel-rasp of the many-named Tal. So venerated because he finished high school
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The characters name is being built as you read it; Innovative
Brendan: Well obviously you can't fuck your dad.
FancyShark: Col Tal has some Major Major Major Major authority going on
GDC: Those were crossed out but the publisher left them in anyway.
Brendan: They're bad fatherfuckers? No, no, ridiculous.
FancyShark: I dig that he's special because no one knows why he's there
Brendan: He was hard charger who drove a Lincoln Mercury; As all old men do.
GDC: He just showed up one day with a clipboard and a hardhat.
gellaho: The ramps drive turbines. If you were wondering what that means, keep wondering
FancyShark: ahhhh. John Jakes and his never-explained terminology. It feels good to see again
gellaho: Tighten your bowels
FancyShark: Fuck yeah on the new title, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com
gellaho: That's too many tires
gellaho: We may also have to examine what "van" means
FancyShark: It's short for "vanhicle"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": This motherfucker pulling up in a clone trooper turbo tank
gellaho: The highway patrol has a bedtime, because what bad could happen in the middle of the night?
FancyShark: The lanes are multiplying with each paragraph
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": That's morning shift's problem
gellaho: Saw Tal's mother yaw
FancyShark: If this was an audiobook, this would be the point where Jakes started to sound like he was improvising
Brendan: He's gotten better on the passive speech, but still needs to slice through the crap excess detail.
GDC: Tal's nodding off at the wheel.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": That's his secret, cap
gellaho: If the van's a-rockin', just come right inside
FancyShark: I'm sure this won't play a part in the story later; That wasn't sarcasm
gellaho: I'm not sure John Jakes understands motor vehicles if he thinks you can link a ton of them together and just keep driving
GDC: These gang names are stupid.
FancyShark: Cloverleafs. I assume they're Bulgarian?
gellaho: Probably shouldn't have called Tal "a hard charger" before if you were going to use "Hardcharger" as a proper name on the next page
FancyShark: How have we gotten this far in Book Cage without a character named Big Daddy?
Brendan: Listen, you can't backspace a typewriter
GDC: We've just had medium daddies so far.
gellaho: The nasty oversized blowhole of the happily married
FancyShark: Lord, I was born a rampin' man
gellaho: The situation was quite ticklish
FancyShark: Witness him?
Brendan: It was a fuckmobile, got it.; A fuckmobile continuously edging.
GDC: You can tell how nasty a turbine gets based on their blowhole.
gellaho: But when it comes to performance - fuckgobbler
GDC: Billy, listen. Lee is doing this because he wants to fuck you.
FancyShark: Maybe don't breath so heavily while you say it, at least
Brendan: You're all exhaust, no horsepower.
gellaho: Ghostly balls
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Oh man, you have to be perpetually blueballed when you're a ghost?; That's so rough.
GDC: Jakes rolls dice every time he needs a number of lanes.
gellaho: Some numbskull pophead stopper in-boring on the merge-in feeder
FancyShark: This reads like Jakes was being misled by a bunch of truckers at a diner about truck lingo
gellaho: Hot punch has started many blood feuds
GDC: Ginger punch sounds like something Dickens characters would drink.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Keeps you from getting a cold at least.
gellaho: Sparkly intensity
FancyShark: Ginger Punch is my MMA drag name
gellaho: Never going below 40 on the Federal I-Jobs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Sadness tugged at Billy, like a truckstop sex worker.
gellaho: Electric runabout can't do 80mph
FancyShark: Merging: The Novel
gellaho: Something you'll notice about this book is how the speeds they're going don't really seem that fast
GDC: Although I give Jakes credit for predicting Tesla drivers.
FancyShark: This is 1970's speeds. You have to adjust for inflation
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jobe Spoiler, inventor of the chromed bumper.
gellaho: There's also a lot of bumper car action
FancyShark: Unstable Max: Annoyance Road
gellaho: The fuck is a half-boot
GDC: This is just a normal commute in Toronto.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: lmao a half boot? Like what school marms wear?
gellaho: The license plates of a warrior
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Are there two Nevadas in this future highway hellscape?
gellaho: And they say chivalry is dead
GDC: Good thing these outlaw clans have valid plates with current registration.
FancyShark: They're rebels. But they're not law breakers.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": It did a very specific maneuver, so common and so uniform that it's named after a letter of the alphabet, out of control
gellaho: Gasoline is illegal, so the Spoilers' mothers are illegal. But they can also run in packs without being pulled over and have them registered?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: This is like a very old man read Damnation Alley and the first chapter of Snow Crash, did LSD, and is trying to describe what those stories are like while he hallucinates he is being frozen in time.
gellaho: Anyway, one of the Ramps ran into the lady driver, suffering the indignity of dropping below forty. But keeping some pride by walking
GDC: After falling asleep watching mad max.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Must making pissing real awkward.
gellaho: 8 Mile
FancyShark: You have to imagine they've passed the same cactus enough times to name it. The Sierra Nevada desert is big but it's not "drive forever and never see the end" big
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": GIF
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: How do you even refuel something if you have to do it shark style and never stop moving?
GDC: And adjusted the rolled up sock
gellaho: If you're car starts falling apart at 94mph, I'm not sure you're cut out for street racing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: 94 isnt even that fast.......
GDC: That's a very narrow range of speeds they can be in. Not less than 40, but 94 is dangerous.
FancyShark: The moderately paced and the furious
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Those are speed detaching parts, they make you go faster; He's sure to win when he pulls out this little trick
gellaho: He's got fatter nuts to tighten
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": :FuckApe:
GDC: He tightens fat nuts, and leaves wiping up to someone else.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Big Daddy "Fat Tight Nuts" Ramp?
FancyShark: Does "see the big fifty" mean he'll see fifty years old or is it a highway?
GDC: He wants to see all fifty states?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Or see all 50 states?
gellaho: The odometer of a legend
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Cos hes gonna run into trouble in some of the Appalachian ones if he cant go under 40.
gellaho: (ignore that John Jakes called it a speedometer)
GDC: A five digit odometer really dates this.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Big Daddy "Fat Tight Nuts" Hardcharger......
FancyShark: At mile 100,000, it explodes
gellaho: Billy imagines his god of death is ridden by a chick with sweet tits
GDC: Or just more evidence his car sucks.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": This is a really weird adaptation of Desert Bus you guys
FancyShark: A lady with hair of corn and tits of milk
GDC: This is desert communal van.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oh man no wonder they think 50,000 miles on the odometer is a big deal if a Firebird is a legendary car.
gellaho: The grammar on that first sentence really went out the window
FancyShark: Hightest meaning high-test or someone prejudiced against the tall?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Did the author have a stroke? "there was a hightest gas used it for signs"?
gellaho: You know, when that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Someones editor had to have been dying of lead poisoning to have let that slip by.
gellaho: Your car sucks, Billy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: hahahahah it cant go past 101, my shitty SUV can and probably not even blow the engine.
gellaho: Suddenly: station wagon
GDC: Does he mean... neon?
gellaho: And those kids are fucking dead
FancyShark: The Griswalds try to take out the Ramps; hahahahaha, wait
Brendan: The longer you drive, the bigger the desert gets.
GDC: They were just trying to beat rush hour.
FancyShark: These idiots have a "never drive below 40mph" rule and they live in a world where other people stop?; How are they still alive?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Really, who drives a fucking station wagon in the nightmare future?
gellaho: So, high-test is a gasoline thing. I have no idea what happened with the sign. I'm pretty sure some words went missing there
FancyShark: TIL
gellaho: I'm going to be skipping the car action. I don't think even the best authors could make car chases comprehensible in text; Billy gets crashed into the wall. He uses his speedo to check if he's a man
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": A very common experience for boys of his age
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: At least in Damnation Alley, Roger Zelazny had the good sense to include being attacked by giant mutant possibly radioactive bats.
Brendan: Now do we think should of was a stylistic choice or the author's own mistake?
GDC: Billy is as bad at grammar as he is at having a good car.
gellaho: Bullet-shaped milk freighters
Brendan: Babe, what do you say tonight we slow down to 45 mph and just enjoy ourselves?; NO! SUSAN I goddamn SAID
FancyShark: DEER!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": HYPEMILK: WE SHOOT OUR MILK AT YOU
gellaho: You know how you suffer hurrahs
FancyShark: "In fact, stop talking altogether, Billy"
gellaho: If they're 10% of the population, I think there are, by definition, many clans on the roads
FancyShark: aww, they meet up for Christmas? That's sweet
GDC: Is this one of those post apocalyptic stories where the government is still perfectly intact?
gellaho: Billy bleeds black
gellaho: Spurt towards the egg
FancyShark: Billy isn't the first person who vowed to stab someone at a holidy get-together
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy........are you a beetle? Do you have ichor?
FancyShark: Someone say Spurt?
Brendan: All of our books fit within the Steele universe, where Staten Island is a mysterious deathwaste but also we truck in coffee over the Lincoln Tunnel.
gellaho: You gotta use all the punctuation, that's what they're there for
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: The roving clans of moto reavers use every part of the English language.
FancyShark: Yes, Wrinkleproof was a cutting expose on the fabric softener industry
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Exclamation points are filed to become machetes.
gellaho: THE FEDERALLY-ISSUED LICENSE PLATE OF A WARRIOR-NOMAD
gellaho
GDC: The highways have 1d20 lanes
FancyShark: The DMV in post-apocalyptic America does not fuck around. You WILL register on time
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": LICENSED ROAD SAMURAI
Brendan: Stupid gang logic is the most realistic part of this book.
gellaho: Bleeding black all the way to his dick
Brendan: "I know it helps the cops catch me but I'm obliged to stunt on other outlaws."
GDC: Federally licensed outlaws.
Brendan: okay but why capitalize Tin?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Hey Colonel? Remember how I said I cut myself? Turns out I done scraped my whole forehead off."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Caplital letters make it cooler and more important.
FancyShark: He better slow down to the low 40s if he's going to pass out
gellaho: If you are wondering how these gigantic road vans get constructed when they have to be going 40 at all times: don't
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": it's like if Mortal Engines was stupid.
FancyShark: I hope it's bungee cords and putting the cars in neutral
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Well you start with a set of wheels that you toss off the back of a truck while its tied to something.; And meth.
gellaho: Also, the speed limit is 80, so their cars really suck
FancyShark: Mostly meth
gellaho: Sammy Spoiler: mobile mechanic
GDC: Oh. They've got one of those trucks like in knight rider.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I wonder if Jakes played Car Wars or Autoduel or maybe Atomic Highway?
FancyShark: Sammy hasn't even looked at their cars yet but he's already overcharging them
gellaho: Here's another Billy's willy update:
gellaho: His dick is wobbly. Repeat: wobbly.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": He should take up pedestrianism
FancyShark: If your genitals are wobbly, that means they're...working? Asleep?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billys willy is wobbly when it should be wibbly. Its a bad sign.
FancyShark: Mad Max by Dr Seuss
gellaho: I'm not sure how these 28 apartment vans help get the doctor there quicker, but whatever
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: You have to be really agile to jump from van to van.; They lose so many doctors in the assorted pistons and wheel wells.
gellaho: Swing and a miss on the prognostication, Jakes
FancyShark: Those safety devices? The Club
gellaho: Definitely a better system than parking
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Pollution control device is half a potato with a hole drilled thru it in the tailpipe and a box of baking soda in the glove box.
gellaho: At least, that's what an old Irishman told me
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Hey what if doing things with car was as awkward and dangerous as doing things in space?"
FancyShark: Putting car in neutral and letting the other car's engine haul twice the load. This will not backfire
gellaho: The doctor gives Billy viagra, then goes on his way
gellaho: As far as what "rendered his punchcard" means, who knows?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: How would you change the oil like this? Or brake pads?
gellaho: You drive into the service vehicle, which is going at least 40 and do it in there; How do the larger vehicles get serviced?; Road Fairies
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: If Billy gets three more head injuries he can get a free six inch sub.
gellaho: The van is big enough for a hospital wing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy, if you are lying in a bunk, or standing in a way that you face a direction not in keeping with your velocity, are you still a real man?
gellaho: If you were worried, the drugged up girl was fine
gellaho: Kids are still dead, though
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The ultimate van
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Like if you turn sideways in the van are you not then travelling not forward?
gellaho: They don't believe in relativity
FancyShark: So when Groucho Marx said "A hotel bed is a parked taxi with the meter running", is this what he meant?; Oh, she was jailed? By the outlaws?
gellaho: Time for another Billy's willy update:
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Whats even the point of nightmarish future road warrior shit if you cant do drugs without the Man coming at you?!
gellaho: The Federal Highway Patrol, I'd assume
GDC: This is just regular America with a bunch of mad max larpers
gellaho: I have a hard time picturing any of this
Brendan: Gen. Ford Motors is the one man Col. Tal Dumbname respects.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I assume these people can never reproduce except by kidnapping because they can only go forward during sex.
Brendan: So, Texas.
gellaho: Scrooch
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: The old "In and in more."
Brendan: Well the secret is to thrust in and never pull out.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Til you climb out your partners mouth like some kind of parasitic wasp larvae.
gellaho: She had been a Tollbooth
Brendan: How do you decouple? Easy, turn around and face aft. Now you're pulling forward.; But you do have to subtract the relative momentum of the sex from the forward momentum.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Every coital session ends in a foot race.; God help you if you fuck someone slower than you.
Brendan: This is why all Spoiler vaginas are aimed fore of convoy at birth. To give the kids a headstart.
FancyShark: Don't know why he capitalized it. She was an actual tollbooth; This Cars fanfic is getting weird
Brendan: This dumb book would make an awesome video game though.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "His right leg was still jamming up and down..." its called death spasms, dont worry, the twitching stops before long.
gellaho: The school van
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oh no wonder they dont believe in relativity, they only have an eighth grade education.
gellaho: Alright, so we're now implying that going below 40 is deadly
FancyShark: So the station wagon was full of dead people?; I mean, before the crash
gellaho: Plasto pint
FancyShark: That means "sippy cup"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: The government could get rid of these people by just not repairing roads for a while.
FancyShark: Hell, Illinois did that for years
Brendan: What kind of MAN goes below 40 except FREQUENTLY when going fast creates avoidable crashes that NECESSITATE he stop?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: And thats why nobody can leave Illinois by car.
gellaho: His fancy, highfalutin high school education
Brendan: Illinois Nazis. I don't know as you'd call 'em people.
FancyShark: Fuckin' nazi pary. I hate Illinois nazis
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Illinoizis we call em.
gellaho: I assume when John Jakes moved to Florida, he learned this wasn't true
Brendan: This is radical sci-fi.; Positing a dry Florida.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Maybe once the atomic wars dry up the seas?; Or something?
Brendan: Sea killed my father, so I took revenge.
FancyShark: The Colonel better talk like Foghorn Leghorn or he's in violation of the Panama Hat Old Guy doctrine
GDC: Jakes is pushing back against the moist Florida narrative.
gellaho: Time for another Billy's willy update:
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Did he just get circumcised or something?
FancyShark: Billy's dick must be his Jiminy Cricket
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes are you trying to tell us Billy is horny or be broke his dick in a car accident?; Because you can do that and its a serious medical condition, Jakes.
gellaho: Grandiloquent
GDC: Jakes deploys some grizzled prospector style racial slurs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Damn y'all have been doing this shit for only fifty years and already forgot shit?
FancyShark: Exhaust fumes are not good for long term exposure
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "It was our Road God given right to keep putting lead in our gas and bygod we continue to do it."; "Now perk up your third ear on your back and listen close, Billy."
gellaho: I don't know what you are talking about; Unrelated
FancyShark: Oh hell
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: hahahahahahah
gellaho
FancyShark: lol; Jakes, you are so not equipped to handle that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oh buddy. Jakes. Buddy......no.
gellaho: Spring frog fever
Brendan: I miss Rex Moran so much.; We didn't deserve that beautiful creature.
gellaho: I think he's the perfect guy for it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: We shall never see his like again.; So......Billy is horny? Like......frogs?
gellaho: My share of gash
Brendan: Really just depends what consumer products he feels are Black enough to become his characters' surnames, doesn't it?; Like if the Black People homeplanet is Maple Syruptopia, we have a problem.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Colonel, I have that dried gourd I put slices of room temperature deli meat in, like we all do."
FancyShark: There's piece of ass and there's share of gash, but never call someone either of those or you're headed for a shallow grave
Brendan: I'm kidding, of course. OBVIOUSLY he would call Black Earth "MapSyria."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: If you're going faster than 40 miles an hour you get there much quicker.
gellaho: Get that gash!
Brendan: "You know, like the kind of woman you killed back there."
FancyShark: Speaking of gash, how's that head wound treating you, Billy?
gellaho: A future without denim!? This certainly is a dystopia
GDC: Isn't denim made out of cotton?
FancyShark: You never stop driving. Who cares what people are wearing in an immobile city?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Yeah, you cant grow cotton on top of a van.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: City on wheels, boom.
gellaho: Fancied Holiday Inn
FancyShark: I'm sorry but the off-shoot of Holiday Inn is called Days Inn and it's as sad as that name implies
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": It really is just Mortal Empires
gellaho: You know, the instrument "traps"
FancyShark: Excuse me, Jakes, but I believe you mean the gashes of the clans and their droplings
gellaho: You know, like how Jesus lived
FancyShark: And the Lord said "Ass, Gas or Grass. No one be Saved for free"
gellaho: John Jakes has decided that subtlety is for the weak
gellaho: All the talent for social satire as someone on Tumblr
FancyShark: So overcrowded that it took three hours for them to reach the nearest doctor
GDC: Classic 70s overpopulation sci-fi
gellaho: And they are 10% of the population, but there aren't that many of them; Figure that out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: And nobody can just turn to their granddad and say "Grandaddy is all that true?" because 50 years is an unfathomable span of time........; Who even lives that long?
FancyShark: Not Billy's dad, that's for sure
gellaho: I'm not sure I understand this belief system
FancyShark: He couldn't have learned anything. He was born eight years after the world changed
gellaho: For one thing, he says there's plenty of room to live in cities. But also, everyone should live on the road. But also, somehow fight in Asia
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Jakes no! Never get involved in a land war in Asia!
Brendan: This book makes much more sense if you take Jakes as despising every one of his idiot characters. This is his Robocop.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: But never go slower than 40 miles an hour while you drive to Asia.
gellaho: I'm pretty sure he does
Brendan: It's him saying "Here's everything that sucks about America if the sucky suckers win."
gellaho: He's made them stereotypical road hillbillies
gellaho: Like I said, all the social satire of a Tumblr post
GDC: They claim they're free because they live on government funded highways. They're really just libertarians.
gellaho: Billy says no fatties
Brendan: I'm satirizing your observation.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy, you just missed out bud.
gellaho: They somehow turned four vans into a dance floor. Figure that out
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Fucking sick, actually
gellaho: Choicest gash
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Ah yes, "fried chickens" and "the trimmings"
FancyShark: I hope his head is still bleeding through this
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Mmmm, fried chicken.
gellaho: Choice gash targeted
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Oh no somebody spiked Billy's punch!
gellaho: Hard lubbing
FancyShark: Complex series of emotions for spotting a creep across the room
gellaho: John Jakes likes himself some high tits
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Shirley Talltits
FancyShark: Taffy is gray, isn't it?
Brendan: You can tell when it's ready if the thighs smell young.
GDC: I've never heard the phrase taffy colored before.
gellaho: Taffy can be many colors; It can also be Laffy; Seductive finger wiggles
Brendan: This is an entire culture that sits 24/7, you would think a fat girl would be treasured for having an ass.; LOVE YOURSELVES, LADIES; #go39getbusydyin
gellaho: Billy stiffened at her woman-teasing
FancyShark: Damn her woman-ways
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy that sex gourd you made for the long nights on the road is looking better and better for you.
FancyShark: So it's the post apocalypse but dating is still in the 1950s
gellaho: Stay away from the Holiday Inn people, Billy
Brendan: Billy liked his women barely legal (driving age) and acting even younger than that. Also sickly and playing weird mind games.
gellaho: Can't get drive-thru if you can't go under 40
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oh shit she has bedbugs and a lousy continental breakfast.
Brendan: #go40forfreedom; Billy has never smelled a lilac in his life.; He literally cannot stop to smell the roses.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Unless he has weird taste in car air fresheners.
gellaho: Languorous broken-hearted mountainpop
Brendan: although I guess he's stopping to smell Rose's young girl thighs.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Leaving room for Motor Jesus.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": I'm glad naming music keeps getting stupid in the future past
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: A couple of them
gellaho: Uh oh
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: A yard, you could fit 2-3 Jesi
Brendan: Just picture them mournfully doing that '80s shoulder twist but slower and with room for the holy spirit
FancyShark: Looking like they're trying to take off an itchy coat
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "My papa wouldn't let me come until I was 17"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Someone is playing a washboard and jug but as a funeral dirge.
Brendan: My Papa never goes below 50. I've vowed to take no man's hand what can't outrace him.
Brendan: Promise Enforcers
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: That's the charitable read
FancyShark: Tell her she's the prettiest gash you ever saw, Billy. She'll be taffy in your arms.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Gash is one my least favorite synonyms for pussy
gellaho: I can't say I understand, no
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: axe wound is worse
Brendan: "You don't smell sinful like the other girls. Your lilac axe wound makes your thighs seem like home."; Billy goes to ask her father's permission to take her gas cap.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I think my favorite is "kid-shitter" tho.
Brendan: SCOOPED!
GDC: Rose brushed him boobily.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: OMG I've never heard that one 😬
gellaho: The fuck are you two doing
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Don't scoop me, man, I just got here
Ramb$ne: it's Australian
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Slit that fuckers weasand, Billy! Ladies love it.
Brendan: No -- 'Twas Mordred, scooped the Beast!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: "just like all the rest" 🤓
FancyShark: Come on, Billy. This is your chance to impress her by murdering her boyfriend
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I thought that was in response! 😅
Brendan: Australians wheeling laboring mothers-to-be into a ward marked "Southern Headbutts, Ya C***s"
gellaho: No, no, no. That's not his name! That can't be his name!
gellaho
Ramb$ne: oh yeah that's formal talk, though, Bogans at play use kid-shitter
gellaho: John Jakes! You are too good!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: St. Patrick's Day?
Brendan: Rose can only be aroused by male on male violence.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: As Motor Jesus intended.
gellaho: Big-man style
Brendan: I took a Belcher Holiday, in Louisiana. Seemed appropriate at the time.
FancyShark: Billy hurt; Billy not like
Brendan: Can't believe this lunatic tease who starts fights and expects me to finish them didn't want to meet me to enjoy her bodily autonomy, UGH.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: His groin again?
gellaho: Hit, pound, attack
GDC: Bigman is a style of belt loop manipulation. Tallman is a measure of length in the Jakesverse.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: ITS BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE STABMAS!
gellaho: Seems healthy
FancyShark: Our story so far: Road Warriors killed some people and now one of them is being snubbed at the school dance
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Lust, Billy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy you are a real disappointment as a protagonist, get your kin and beat Lee Ramps ass later.
FancyShark: Dude, you danced with her once. That isn't love. That's hormones
Brendan: This whole book feels like Jakes drove I-95 to some redneck bar and scowled at all of it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy isnt going to go out historic on the Fury Road.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Sad Max
gellaho: Ew
FancyShark: Goddammit, Jakes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Hell of a way to tell us Rose has bad breath.
Brendan: Each night Billy asks the stars up above
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I'd say husky, but...
Brendan: why must he be a teenager who was never taught what the stars are?
gellaho: Wait, are you driving while making out?
Brendan: The Diesel Dothraki over here.; I hate everything about this world.
FancyShark: You know a woman likes you when she yammers about the notches on her bedpost the whole time you're making out
Brendan: How many pages in are we that we don't have a mission or an antagonist?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Maybe she's trying to assure him she knows how to fuck?
gellaho: Did she really want to fuck the old man?
Brendan: She learned from Belcher and Maude that jealousy is the only way to keep a man's interest.
FancyShark: It's a John Jakes book, so the antagonist probably won't show up until the last few pages
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Are they making out in his car that is parked inside a van?!
Brendan: This entire culture drives on trying to maintain and increase property ownership while also piloting an automobile that can't stop long enough to pick stuff up.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy..........push her out the car and go see if that fat girl is available.
GDC: I love how impractical Jakes makes this culture seem.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Bud you cant drive good and play headgames with your girl at the same time.
gellaho: And the 51st state was? Jakes?
Brendan: Do you think the girls are huddled against the wall across the convoy square dance trailer but it's only four feet away from the boys?
FancyShark: Moving on
Brendan: I bet they're whispering to each other with nervous excitement.; "Gear shaft" one says.; "Satan's pitchfork," rebuts the other.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: My money is on Puerto Rico, but it could be a United States of Mexamericanada thing too.
GDC: West Dakota
gellaho: Another Billy's willy update:
Brendan: The contest of what the gash of male is continues.
FancyShark: "He said I was a choice piece of gash. I think he likes me!"
gellaho: He's got the hot dick
Brendan: Turgidly, he erectified.
gellaho: That's the first thing I think of when it comes to erections
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy the Tumescent.
GDC: His loins ignited as a result of his clumsy groping
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Shit, Rose-anne, you didnt have to do that with the lighter."
FancyShark: He better be careful. If his dick gets below 40mph, he'll die
Brendan: Billy's man-oil stained her dress, made of car seat insulating foam.
LyraV: This was the perfect comment to enter on thank you.
Brendan: As all my comments must forever be!
LyraV: Rose Ann better watch out once his lions overheat she'll have to replace the whole radiator.
gellaho: He tricked you good, letting you make out with his girlfriend!
Brendan: All the kids spiking the dance punch with antifreeze
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: He'll smell of maple and chemicals for ever tho.
Brendan: How's he gonna drive the Keys at 40mph
gellaho: Plastowood
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: CAR JOUST CAR JOUST CAR JOUST!
FancyShark: "Taking her out in that mother of yours" does not play the way you intended, Jakes
gellaho: Better question is how they drive 90 gigantic vans down the single lane highways
Brendan: "Yeah it was me! I was the creep taking photos of teens engaging in sexual activity! Hahaha, boy, don't you look like a stupid jerk now!"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes this can end in two ways that wont leave me disappointed. Car joust, or two teens shirtlessly knife fighting on top of a van.
FancyShark: Or a Blues Brothers mass pileup
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: You can even do car joust chariot style, and have seconds do the driving while the two principals fling exploding javelins at each other.
gellaho: All this attention for me!
FancyShark: Tee-hee!; "I'm so drunk with power right now!"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Oh Billy, all this attention has me gash right lubed."
gellaho: A panty arm-band for luck
FancyShark: "I'm talking about my truss"
GDC: Take my retainer, billy.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Smells of motor oil, gasoline, and the sea.
gellaho: Final boob-grab, and he's off
LyraV: Lee Ramp sounds like a winner or at least a short path leading to the winner.; Just the one, if he went for two he'd never let go.
Brendan: Rose Ann was not like other gash. She was...brilliant. Frustrating. Exciting. Dangerous. Tempting. Teasing. Cruel. Hateful, even. Sadistic in her arousal, and narcissistic in its fulfillment. He knew then this was the gash he would love forevermore at 99mph.
gellaho: Suddenly: Indiana
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Indiana, the worst best place to die in a car duel.
Brendan: Sounds like he just wiped something off on it.
gellaho: Billy checks his special clock
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Little drop of oil mixed with just a bit of semen.
Brendan: Girls can't get pregnant at anything less than 66mph, that's why the speed limit is 65.
gellaho: Panty-madness
FancyShark: It'd be so great if this entire society got pulled over for running a stop sign
Brendan: BACK! IN! TIME!; He's gonna lose because he let a woman make him soft [hard].
FancyShark: Bad time for cardiac arrest
gellaho: Liquorish
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Hes found impaled on his steering column, boner fluttering weakly like a dying bird.
gellaho: liquorish; So, like liquor?; Fucking baffling
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Victory tastes like Old Crow.
FancyShark: It's like boozy, but less committed
gellaho: Liquorish licorice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy.........didnt you vow to kill Lee?; Maybe this is a great time to do that.
GDC: In the garden, the mighty garden
Brendan: The Ballad of Dum-Dum Billy
FancyShark: I hope Lee wins the race and Billy congratulates him with knife
gellaho: Bumperknockers
Brendan: Ballad of Billy Spoiler is admitedly a great Link Wray song we never got.
FancyShark: Bumperknockers is the full name of that slang for tits
gellaho: Wobbly in the rear end
FancyShark: Wobbly like his dick in the rear end; Wait, that didn't sound right
gellaho: That's not how gas tanks work
FancyShark: Wisconsin, that state adjacent to Indiana
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes is a writer, not a geographer.
gellaho: I'm also pretty sure that's not how you'd get to Wisconsin from Florida
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Maybe Indiana took over like Illinois and Michigan.
FancyShark: hahaha, Indiana wishes it could take over Illinois; That's right, Indiana. I'm calling you out
gellaho: Banana peel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Anything is possible in the dark mirror of Jakes imagination.
gellaho: Then we'd have even more fake states to get to 52
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I'd assume some of them were in Canada.
gellaho: You know races at 75
gellaho: You know, cruising speed on the interstate
FancyShark: Now Rose is going to sing a song about the Lee Ramp of the Pack
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Billy checks his speedo an awful lot for a grown man with allegedly perfect bladder control
gellaho: Health club van
FancyShark: They get passed by so many semis
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Also Billy.........YOU SWORE TO KILL HIM! Did you forget that?
gellaho: If there's anything I know about Billy, he has no control of anything relating to his dick
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: You swear road vengeance on a dude and you forgot it, didnt you, Billy?
Brendan: I'll say that every aspect of a car in the '70s made 75mph a lot more terrifying.; No handling, long brakes, heavier vehicle.; shocks etc.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Steel frame, no crumple zones.
gellaho: Might as well be dead, then
GDC: No airbags, seatbelts optional
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: You could drive thru a brick wall and the car would be fine. You could sell it right after hosing the driver out.
FancyShark: Nice to know our hero is a gremlin of a man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Well no, he got snagged by a passing bison and we havent heard from him since."
FancyShark: "We found most of him still pinned under the car"
LyraV: What's left of him stopped yeah let's go with that.
gellaho: They can fit a basketball court with a false floor in a vehicle!?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Technically with a lot of him having burnt, he's moving really fast on a molecular level."
FancyShark: Rose Ann must be so thrilled to be property
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy are you going to fucking CRY in a crawlspace because you defeated your rival?
Brendan: He used to be Lee. Now he's List.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Car boys dont feel guilt, Billy.
gellaho: Billy has a formal meeting with the police at half court
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Also exploding like that is a sweet way to die.; Lee would be grateful.
Brendan: Technically everything on earth is going about 800mph at all times so I say pull over to the shoulder and make love in a field.
LyraV: In her past life she was Anne Boleyn and now its watered down to this.
gellaho: Gauntlets
FancyShark: "Burly and black, with a young, open face, like a pumpernickel sandwich"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "wet bird eyes."; GIF
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.
gellaho: Special Officer Claymore is your Ice for this evening
FancyShark: Yep, sounds like Rose Ann
LyraV: Better than moist snake eyes I suppose.
FancyShark: "No. I'm Billy THE Spoiler. You're thinking of my Latino cousin."
gellaho: The phrase "The big black" gives me a lot of confidence in the racial sensitivity of "Black in Time"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": They're just widdle guys 🥺
Brendan: Somehow it's worse when it's singular.
LyraV: I feel like this writer just wrote out a list of names first then justified the list by writing this.
gellaho: God forgive me for disowning the license plates of a warrior
FancyShark: That makes too much sense to not be true
Brendan: Billy discovers he is not into BBC (Big, Black Cop) or ENM (Eventually Not Moving 40mph)
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "What is car? How combustion even?"
gellaho: Better than the n-word which Simon has boldly used in multiple books
Brendan: I'm so confused. They have a basketball court on their eight lines of road car>
FancyShark: "Billy, you killed a man. We'd like to recruit you for a mission."
Brendan: I bet if you do a find for me saying confused, it's about 3 hours into every Jakes book.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: This book has a really odd idea of what constitutes a street legal vehicle.
gellaho: Twice in Cold Steele and once in Psychodrome where he listed every single slur he could think of
FancyShark: Which they are using to house their improvised courtroom
gellaho: And if you want to hear more, go to https://gellaho.com/audiobooks; Do I say the n-word? Find out today!
FancyShark: Weird sales pitch. Especially because it's working
gellaho: That name is too long
FancyShark: Observed by who? No one stops anywhere
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Goooooood slit this fucking cop from crotch to gizzard and dump him out the back.
gellaho: Billy fingers his panties
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: After like 30 or 40 vans run him over nobody can say it wasnt an accident.
gellaho: Yeah, billiards works well in a moving vehicle
gellaho: Balls just hate rolling
FancyShark: I'm lost. Is Billy a hormonal teenager or a grizzled ex-cop?; Because this feels like backstory for Snake Pliskin
gellaho: The shiny-black finger of judgment
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Tepper is one of those special cops they breed in tanks, they're half beetle.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": hate it when fingers go wag
gellaho: Leafed to the last leaf
FancyShark: What is an "oh-hell" smile? Is that intimidating or jovial?
LyraV: To the Last Leaf Sir!
LyraV: He meant to say 'aw shucks' I think but really biffed it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Goooooooood just kill these nerds and tell all and sundry you never saw them.; Part out the car they came in and toss the transmitter in the ditch.
LyraV: Aw shucks smile is 'hey I'm going to search your car, grope your friend and threaten to plant drugs on you' in Texas State trooper speak.
gellaho: Having successfully covered up their crimes, the old man clucks (?) and the rest fantasize about Billy fucking
FancyShark: You know, reader. STP shave lotions. That smell.
gellaho: John Jakes just inserted an old-timey prospector into this book
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: A little like gasoline, a little like mint juleps, a little like being beaten with your grandfathers belt, but like how it smells.
gellaho: This book is so dense; Every paragraph, every sentence has a baffling word choice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Ambition" is a strange way to spell "boaner", Jakes.
FancyShark: It's incredible
gellaho: The plasto flasks of Kentucky
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Imagining Mose as Gabby Hayes.
FancyShark: Then Billy remembered he was gay and the weight of his actions fell on him
gellaho: In both halves
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Okay.
FancyShark: Not a bad way to indicate the hero is fucking evil
Brendan: Killed the only man he ever loved to win a woman incapable of loving.
LyraV: Wait really? That is a different way of drinking but alright.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: That sounds ominous but im sure its probably fine.
gellaho: Billy ignores the fiftieth red flag
LyraV: Did they do a sexy dance and feed him shrimp as well?
Brendan: Holy shit he got his finger all the way in her mouth!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Unfortunately it was road shrimp.
Brendan: Er--beggin' your pardon for the language, ladies. I meant top-gash.
LyraV: I'd give points for it at least being a unique compliment.
gellaho: A future dystopia, but everyone also gets paid by the government because John Jakes said, "fuck you!" to making sense
gellaho: Top of the gash to you
Brendan: I stand by my "Jakes visited a small town and despised everyone there" theory.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Hurling wrenches doesnt seem like my idea of friendly horseplay.
gellaho: Gotta buy the fuck wagon
FancyShark: Smash cut back to the dessicated remains of the station wagon passengers
gellaho: It's dodge ball training
GDC: It really seems like the government is going out of the way to patronize the mad max cosplayers.
LyraV: Ok look I would legitimately be excited about that part. It does sound pretty sick.
gellaho: Foreshadowing? Who knows!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Every dystopian road warrior has his traditional box of dildos he takes on his honeymoon.
LyraV: Not enough to make up for the groping and objectification mind you but a nice aside.
FancyShark: Nobody's seen Lee because he was engulfed in a fireball
gellaho: Kissing: illegal outside of marriage
Brendan: The Spoilers call them road flares
LyraV: Sincerely hoping he comes back half-tank.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Maybe he made his dex save.
Brendan: CLEATUS
gellaho: Hey, John, you spell hiccup like a goddamned American
Brendan: John Jakes you snooty Yankee
LyraV: You have to say the Reverends full name without laughing before they let you in.
FancyShark: All of this from one chaste dance
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Rose-Ann wears her mothers tree shaped air freshener around her neck, thats why she always smells like lilac.
gellaho: Now, I'm no makeout expert (hold your surprise), but I don't think this is how you do it
gellaho: They did dance with their hands between each other's thighs; Which seems more difficult than sexy
FancyShark: The organ peals in Toccata in Fugue in D minor
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Its........not NOT how you do it, but also not really a good way TO do it.
FancyShark: More of a whispering a secret in your lover's mouth than a kiss
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Segues into an organ adaptation of a Judas Priest song.
gellaho: Skullpopping punch
gellaho: I would love to know what the fuck John Jakes thinks trap means in this context
FancyShark: Yum. Soggy cake
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes..........we don't care about this part, you know we don't care about this part, skip to the fucking.
gellaho: He's used it multiple times as a musical instrument, and unless he invented trap hip-hop fifty years early I have no idea
FancyShark: Better yet, skip to the Lee Ramp Revenge Fire Zombie
gellaho: A great beverage; Christian rock should really co-opt religio-rock; it's much better
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Its more of a soup but soups are technically beverages.; At over 40 alot of things are beverages.
gellaho: Complete freedom forever!
FancyShark: Gunshot; Come on, Jakes
gellaho: Who could have foreseen this
FancyShark: Hell yes; It's not Fire Zombie, but Pirate Motorhead is still solid
gellaho: He keeps showing off how crippled he is, which makes them more intimidated?
FancyShark: lol
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Well Billy if you cant finish off the one legged guy you really fucked up.
FancyShark: His big move is to gross out a wedding
Brendan: We are ten years into this book and the only thing that's happened is Billy has raced/murdered two cutout--WAIT HOLD UP ENTER CYBORG NEMESIS
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Billy is literally doing worse than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
gellaho: Like, I don't want to be insensitive, but showing off that you are half blind, have no fingers, and half a hand does not scare me
Brendan: His left leg is shorter because his right leg never stops flooring the gas.
FancyShark: What about if he shows he's not touching you? Does that bug you? Does it? Oh shit, his other hand just fell off
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Does.......does Jakes just also hate the disfigured?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Disfigured is traditional hackwork shorthand for eeeevil
gellaho: He also dropped under 40mph, so he should be:; (A) Dead (like Billy's dad); (B) Insane (like the people who rescued Billy's dad); (C) Or exiled
gellaho: Figure out your rules, weird hillbillies
FancyShark: So Lee is the real badass
LyraV: Maybe he limped at 40mph the whole way?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: If he's alone, give him a consolation beer and tell him to fuck off.
gellaho: Don't be offensive! We call them gash
FancyShark: Careful. He might limp at you
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oh and everyone has to point and yell "WITNESSSSSSED!"
FancyShark: He came for three hundred miles? Impressive virility
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy.......kick his ass, dont hear him out. You beat him, this is just sour and crispy grapes from a loser.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": I feel like we're learning a lot about Jakes that we didn't really want to tonight
gellaho: How dare you say "hug" in these four vans we turned into a basketball court!
gellaho
FancyShark: This still works if you adhere to Brendan's theory that Jakes hates all of these characters
gellaho: Which he absolutely does; Aw, man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy..........he's barely able to walk, he's alone, and in a sea of your kin. His family thinks he's dead, and he's threatening you. You really need to fuckin learn when to actually do things.
FancyShark: Aw man. Now the soggy cake might as well be moist
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I mean you melted him once already, you might as well finish the job.
FancyShark: You are going over 40mph and he has weeping sores and half a skeleton. Just push him off
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Or get one of your many relatives to do it.; Surely you have a cousin Ray Bob Spoiler who everyone knows isnt quite right.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I scrolled to the beginning to see if I could make sense of this "never going below 40" or this setting or premise and I'm still stumped.
FancyShark: It's a very inconsistent rule where they can't ever go below 40mph either because it will kill them or it's their religion or it's lame
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Also they have a better social safety net than we do, this dystopia is fuckin weird.
gellaho: So, you probably didn't notice. But this book does not have chapters. It has parts
Brendan: Left leg got shorter from power skipping at 40.1
gellaho: We have just reached Part 2
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oh yeah, like a car does.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: So it's like Speed mixed with Snowpiercer?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Im gonna be honest, the cover art deserved a better book.
FancyShark: Yes. Not as well thought out, but yes
gellaho: It is page 79, which is not great because it started on page 13
FancyShark: hahahahahahahaha
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jesus.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": lmao
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Still makes no fucking sense. I mean a mass transportation vehicle only needs one driver.; Anyway, probably better I don't try too hard to figure it out.
FancyShark: These books are so dense with madness. I love it
Brendan: Also they go crazy if they slow down. They get Slow Madness.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes must have been one crazy motherfucker.
gellaho: At any rate, until next week when we try to get through the last 95 pages of this book, The Book Cage is in stasis
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": GIF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: that cover tho.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": We almost did it!
FancyShark: Thank you, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com !
GDC: This was dense, thank you for this.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Turbo teen getting railed by a phoenix
gellaho: May all of your children be born at 65 mph
LyraV: Beautiful, the claws digging into the skull are a nice touch.
Brendan: Why does Paul Bettany look like the Blue Fairy turned Kermit the Frog into a human?
FancyShark: I will miss next week because of family visiting, but I look forward to reading all your riffs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: This is what happens when you are a Turbo Teen and get fucked by a phoenix.
Brendan: We will miss you next week too; Slaughterhouse Five...Dune...and Now...Pontiac teen assault
gellaho: Give your love to Don Punchatz
gellaho: He needs it being born with that last name
Brendan: Thanks for booking, you bookworms!
FancyShark: Thank you too, Brendan!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Okay I need to know if Don is a real person or someones fake name or what.
FancyShark: Great riffing, everybody!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: OH GODDAM.; Y'all google Don.; This cover for this book is very in keeping with his whole deal.
FancyShark: HOLY SHIT
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Like a nude car man being scalped by a giant fiery bird is totally up his alley it seems.
FancyShark
FancyShark: THIS WAS DON
LyraV: Always, I'd hire him to paint a van for sure.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: https://americangallery.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/don-ivan-punchatz-1936-2009/
FancyShark: That means I have actual Don Punchatz art on my wall
FancyShark: Fucking sweet
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Hahahahaha some of these are just so.........what the fuck?
gellaho: The Book Cage: Episode 98.5 - ON WHEELS Part 2; Had yesterday off, so completely forgot my own schedule. But, running back ON WHEELS tomorrow at 5pm eastern. you know the deal.
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": I can't believe Jakes had the balls to give us a naked twunk with Turbo Teen limbs being ratatouilled by a firebird on the cover and then just did nothing with that in the text
Octo: Got to save something for the climax
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Also nobody talk about how his calves bend at a perfect 90 degree angle to fit into the wheels. Just don't even bring it up
gellaho: Coming up on the top of the hour, it's ON WHEELS Part 2.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": GIF
gellaho: Wheels is America; Wheels is America
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": So Walden was a supercomputer, right?
gellaho: America are wheels
gellaho: Marriages usually disintegrate after a month anyway
gellaho: Ah, yes, the shaving tackle fell out of the johnny's medicab onto the plasto. That happens to everyone
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Hate it when half of my pink slop spills across the floor of the johnny
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Whats the world coming to when you cant even keep the spark in your relationship with your death race prize woman?
gellaho: Just what you want before sex: chili, an argument about money and dad talk
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Gotta give that chili time to sit so the lovemaking will be extra Godeky
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Cool, I love when my dystopian future novel protagonist becomes a sad caricature of a married boomer, like if Al Bundy was in Death Race 2000.
gellaho: Car bowling
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jesus dude did you not budget for entertainment or something?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": A question that could be aimed at Jakes as much as Billy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: How much do TVs cost in the dystopian future, do yall think?
gellaho: Really strange he shied away from writing curse words, but then writes shit repeatedly
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Could you trade one for tires for your war rig?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The real villain of the post-apocalypse: credit
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Oh yeah the guy I beat in a death race and left to die by the side of the road, burned beyond recognition and socially emasculated?"; "That guy?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I can't get past the fact that they're in some kind of highway-based Snowpiercer like setting while this is going on.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: But still on welfare.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": And yet for all of that Fury Road still did it better
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Just looked at the cover, is this the lost Turbo Teen origin story?
gellaho: The underground beaver network
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Who can't afford a nightie?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: ITs really a very tasteful nature documentary about burrowing aquatic mammals.; That happens to be on after nude wrestling.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Very educational
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Is Billy just watching kink porn in front of his wife?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: The beavers had to relocate to underground waterways after the nuclear war.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": We joke but after AEW went under UBN was all that stood in the way of the McMahon dynasty's complete control over the telecomm networks.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: This reminds me of when I was playing Super Mario Party with one of my friends, and he called Monty Mole a beaver
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I think Rose-Anns complaint is laid bare. Billy cant fuck.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: And like, he does kind of look like one doesn't he
gellaho: Hotter than a overheated ic mill
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": This is why you can't treat charisma like your dump stat
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy and Rose-Ann will go on to star in Batpussy.
gellaho: Can't afford a dress? The perfect time to buy a new car and have a kid
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: What the hell does wool sound like
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Sheepish, mostly
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: At least I can say I never got my husband horny and then nagged him for something before I'd put out.; "You're gonna mow the lawn after this, right?"
gellaho: Big Ben Tollbooth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: When you call him by name he waggles his eyebrows and says "Laydees."
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": FUCK YOUUUU, POST-BALTIMORE; AND WECOME TO BIG BEN HELL'S, HOME OF CHALLENGE CAR PISSING
gellaho: Lotion lounging in the dickering booths
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah a pompadour having car salesman.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Who the fuck is paying for engraved calling cards in the fucking post-nuclear wasteland
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Welfare queens.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Who the fuck is accepting payment for engraved cards, even
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Henry Tollman Dickbooth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Taking that government engraving handout.
gellaho: Too duded up
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: On the sliding scale of Cute and Dude, that's a bit too Hasselhoff
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": So am I to understand that this used car seller's parking lot is also, itself, on a giant platform vehicle, or have we jettisoned the whole conceit of the premise by bow
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy wants to buy a sweet death race car with optional harpoon launcher and spiked rims, Rose-Ann wants to buy the war wagon, with included six pack missile launcher and look down-shoot down radar and space for up to six infantry children.
gellaho: It is indeed a moving car showroom; The highest tits in all the land
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": That's almost sweet
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Ol' Everestitty Rose-Ann.
gellaho: The most intoxicating dip around
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Tits like the Qinghai-Tibetan plateau she has.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Jakes paints an enlightened portrait of women as he writes about Rose Ann being mesmerized by the concept of hinged car doors
gellaho: Stripper check for the dumbhead
Brendan: I'M SORRY THE CARAVAN HAS A CREDIT BUREAU
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Shouldn't of
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Huh imagine that, you shouldnt deathrace for a woman who you find somewhat distasteful even if shes hot as fuck.; Billy has some out there ideas.; If you dont like your wife just death race for a second one.; Eventually you're bound to find one thats sort of alright.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: That's why you get to know someone before you get married, dipshit.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Still he should have death raced for the chubby girl, she'd be good with money and suck his soul clean out his dick.
Brendan: The last I saw these kids, their Anakin E3 nemesis had spoken now to declare vendetta on their bloodline. Now their nemesis is becoming Jack & Diane.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Nah just roll a new waifu on your next race, it's like Genshin Impact
Brendan: ...babe
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": All you gotta do is get lucky once
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Huff those VOCS
Brendan: Billy is only capable of thinking with his car's dick.
gellaho: Future payments seem annoying
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I just looked up the lyrics to that song and man does it say a whole lot of not much.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": "A dusty old woman"
Brendan: That's the VH1 promise!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Did Jakes's alimony check come due at this point in the manuscript writing process or something
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I expected Mad Max to have a lot less bureaucracy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Is she dusty or sweaty, Billy, its real hard to be both.; If you are then you just end up a little muddy.
gellaho: It's a strong marriage
Brendan: I can't picture that. How high are her tits?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The People Eater from Gastown was put in charge in this continuity
Brendan: Man, we are suffering a lack of @FancyShark as threatened.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": At least ten Hot Wheels high
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": I know, I already feel the crushing lack of validation
gellaho: Best time to learn about your new baby right after your wife flirts with a pompadour
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Dead Sea height.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Is he in charge of reaction emojis?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": He's extremely generous with them
Brendan: The three types of car are mother, crone, and high-tittied maiden.
gellaho: She seems excited
Brendan: Fastest emoji in the west--er, south.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Damn Billy, you didnt get an Xbox, its a baby. Calm down.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Is this the part where Jakes areas from Mad Max and has Rose Ann get run down in the street or something
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I have noticed this.; The rest of us are just fighting to get a quip out.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": This is a suspiciously happy scene
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I hope Lee is the real father.
Brendan: "She's gonna be a cruel, small-minded woman who don't need no feminism, like her mother and all of her granddaughters in MAN'S MACHINE WORLD."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Shes been fucking his overdone hotdog of a dick the whole time.
gellaho: "Before you ask, it doesn't have anything to do with all the cigarettes I'm breathing into her face"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I thought of her threatening to go find his crispified corpse. (but yeah he's still alive, isn't he?)
gellaho: "Oh, sure" followed by looking at your clothes is classically how you express excited
Brendan: Is Rose-Padme alive?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Bah what good is a woman who cant produce babies to put in the hamster wheels that power the Gigavans?!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Oh, no, she'll die in childbirth for cheap pathos. That's how these always go.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: 'cause of all the drinking, you see
Brendan: This feels like a Mad Max prequel.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: And her last words will be "it's not even yours..."
Brendan: But not the Mad Max Jakes would have known. Like the much later Fury Road.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Metabarons did this way better, I dont think Billy will be lamenting his useless balloon son anytime soon.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Fuck yeah Metabarons
gellaho: Medically approved sex
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Leave room for Wheeldoc!
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: That's a lot of words to say she's only in it to fuck, doc
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I mean he won her in a deathrace, I dont see how any relationship can really do anything but go downhill after that.; Textbook peaking early.; Deathracing for your partner is best saved for like two or three years in.
Brendan: Why is Billy poor? Isn't he this civilization's shithead Beowulf?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: He's pre-Grendel Beowulf I guess, all he has to his name is his car and like 30 burly men.; And a story about how he fucked a mermaid that one time.
Brendan: Billy, your dick game is healthy, but I'm diagnosing you with a severe case of fuckboi.
gellaho: His throat tastes of brown
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I dunno if I'd like hearing my dick game is "satisfactory"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": You should get that looked at, probably
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Like oatmeal is "satisfactory"; Also the highways are ten lanes wide and stopping is forbidden, but still have traffic jams?; This really is a dystopia.
Brendan: Spoken like someone who's never used stock to make savory oatmeal and then fucked it while it was still hot.
gellaho: Well, she's fucking the bartender
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Keeping it in the Spoilers.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Its always the cousins.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I mean she pretty much broadcast that she likes to fuck around when they first danced.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: They know you cant shoot them dead in good conscience cos you're related.
Brendan: Once in a while you work a wedding where the bride cucks the groom, and boy, you hate to see it.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: At the wedding? Yow
Brendan: More often FiBro Dave is just drunk at his own special day and it's like "Lady, five years of this isn't worth financial security."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I endeavour to be the one cucking the groom with the bride.
Brendan: Ah, more in this sort of "It's all about me," way, not so often in a "And who's this groomsman?" way.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I might be a little fat and hairy and insist on wearing a tuxedo printed T-shirt to weddings and sit in the front row with a bottle of Old Crow and grinning, but I start looking like much more of a prospect about the time the manacles snap shut.
gellaho: Things become unpleasant
gellaho: Onto the hospital
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Just now, huh
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Especially when you're marrying a guy named Darryl from Davenport and he has the counties largest bowling ball collection.
Brendan: Spoiler alert: the kid's Nick's.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Aw I wanted it to be the Hotdog Man's.
gellaho: At least things are going well elsewhere
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Road Law says you can leave her tied to the post on the front of your car now.
Brendan: I swear to God, the orbital re-entry velocities of men on dating apps lowering women's standards.; It makes "You must be 6' tall" look quaint.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Right?
Brendan: Anyway, I met my future wife.; Good job I kept all my teeth and don't work in finance.
gellaho: Beware fine weather, beware!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Sometimes I think I could cut quite a swath on Tinder just on "Hey look, I can string words together, I'm polite, funny sometimes, I dont have weird opinions, and I have a cat."
Brendan: How does this work, have we abandoned first response?
Brendan: So that was me on OKC in the mid '10s; Now it's all swipes and you'd better have fun pics.; If you could read fast and write jokes, you could get a first date so out of your league.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Read fast yes, write jokes.......not as such.
gellaho: Really would like an explanation for the black blood
Brendan: three-day, non holiday weekend?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Also Billy is me yelling at the weather next week.
Brendan: WE DID IT
gellaho: I'm also very confused about why Jakes was so coy about language in the beginning of the book
Brendan: Look, you can't shoot a woman on film, and you can't have her say shitknockers on paper.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: So sex with a werecar causes you to inevitably leak cerebrospinal fluid. That's my notes so far on this book.
gellaho: Overcrowding is the reason for everything, especially when it doesn't make sense
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The Book Code Authority never reads past the first hundred pages, after that it's adult swim
gellaho: We continue the fist measurement system
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": He began to say prayers; …; aloud
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: How many tall men is two fists tho?; Its the conversion that gets you.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: How many punch stains will it take!?
Brendan: "I have terribly good news, Billy. Your dead wife miscarried her cousin's baby." --Some wheeldoc
gellaho: Don't you hate it when your doctor dies in a 33 car pileup?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "This isnt a baby at all, its like a bunch of chili with hotdogs in it."
Brendan: Typical doctor, parking his car in an emergency access zone.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": This is an extremely efficient next of kin system for the auto-crazed post apocalypse
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Controlled hysteria? His uterus was moving around his body but in a controlled fashion?
gellaho: Last resort: Disney
Brendan: Every man is allowed 1 hour to get in touch with his feminine side the day his first child is born.; Of course at 45 mph, you won't get to Billings before it wears off.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Five straight sentences dedicated to telling me this man is crazy
gellaho: Dundundun
Brendan: WOAH, dangerous ramp speed, might slip down to 44 on the curve
gellaho: gasp
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: So......maybe going to Disney City to see if OB\GYN Goofy can help isnt a great idea.
Brendan: Disney must be its own emperor-god cult by now.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": Oh my god oh my god is he gonna make his exit?!?!?!?!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Those ramp speeds are just guidelines anyway, Billy.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: He has to sacrifice individual limbs for each MPH he dips
Brendan: Sacrificed his honor for a cheatin' hoebag. Now Shithead Beowulf is Dirtball Samson.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: His own personal Trailer Park Delilah is gonna cut his brakes.
Brendan: I miss FancyShark's jokes.
gellaho: The classic police wigwag
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy had it not occured to you that you'd have to stop to like.......get her into a non moving hospital?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The Feds, that classic apocalypse rival
gellaho: You know how you think of police lights as knives?
Brendan: Billy has astigmatism.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: They are like knives yes.; Astigmatism sucks, Billy, but corrective surgery isnt that expensive. Ive been looking into it.
gellaho: Brief update before a word from our sponsors
gellaho: This book is brought to you by the great taste of Kent micronite. Yes, micronite, when you want to pretend you aren't killing yourself, choose micronite!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Oooh classy.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: So are they not allowed off the highway?; Aside from the "you'll die if you drop below speed" thing; (I'm making dinner so I miss a lot of Book Cage 😔)
gellaho: The speed limit thing is why; Also, be sure to buy souvenirs. If anyone has to ask how you died, they can just look around at your Kent branded home!
gellaho: "Collectables"; They put the quotes in there for me
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Do they have an ad for a Dale Earnhardt Memorial Plate?
gellaho: The Intimidator was only 19 when this came out; MOISTEN; THOSE; LIIIIIIPS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: No excuse imo.
gellaho: A traffic counselor
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Have you considered, Billy, that you can get a new wife if this one dies, but you can never recover the manhood you would lose by stopping? Not to mention you would never again be able to enjoy our fine automobiles."
Brendan: Billy, General Ford's new Stepford line is made for young guns like YOU.
gellaho: An interesting reversal, threatening the cops with stopping your vehicle
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "If you go fast enough while you roll her out, there wont even be much of a body to clean up. Less than that if you do it in front of a 27-wheeler big rig made by General Ford Motors."
gellaho: Jakes is back to being coy with the language
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Man if this takes a turn like Billy stops and the world shatters around him because he broke the sim I will take back all the mean things I said about Jakes.
Brendan: Billy, be honest, what are you losing here?
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: You'll just have to deal with me being immobile and easily-incarcerated, then!
Brendan: The Mean Queen of the Tractor Trash and her cousin's baby.
gellaho: They assume control
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "HES STOPPING! FIRE THE MISSILES!"
gellaho: Jakes continues to be coy
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Glad they clarified, I was worried he somehow had his velocity shifted to negative 15 miles per hour
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Please let there be a twist
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Wait they have fully automatic cars?!
gellaho: If you can figure out what this cop car is doing, congrats
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Like there's no world outside of the highways
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Sounds like minivan doors
gellaho: Jackknifed his butt
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: When the highway patrol boards your souped up death car, the only thing you can do as a free American is make some bacon.
gellaho: Excuse me, "jacknifed"
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: So in this universe, when you resist arrest, policemen initiate a Street Fighter bonus round on your vehicle
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy you utter wuss. Do you not even have a pistol?!
gellaho: There are a couple
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Too bad Rose-Ann is busy dying in the back seat or she could slip a knife into his neck.
gellaho: Add another onto the incomprehensible gun pile for John Jakes
gellaho: At least he's not describing the barrels as "wands" this time
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: ITs fuckin.......pointy?; Like some kind of nerd ass future raygun from the 20s?
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: You caused us so much trouble by doing absolutely fucking nothing to resist our advances, Billy
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Slab-headed?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I hope they murder Billy and he comes back as a car zombie to wreak vengance.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: 'At least make it fun, you douche'
gellaho: For his part, gellaho was thirsty
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Oh, that silly old funny gun with hilarious tranquilizer bullets
gellaho: I think the same thing whenever I have to figure out how to play a board game
Brendan: Your car will steer itself until such time as an officer makes an incredibly dangerous high-speed leap into the driver's seat.
gellaho: The verbs verbbed verbily
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: That doubles as Jakes reminding us that rules don't apply to him, too
Brendan: Jackboot kicked in the teeth three times while you scream "AM I BEING DETAINED???!?"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy has a lack of harpoon cannons and onboard grenade launchers for a dystopian road warrior.
Brendan: Billy is scared of cops for the Rebel-Prince of Spoiler Nation.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Not even a funny gun in the glove compartment. Smh
gellaho: It's your guy's fault for thinking this is a dystopia and not a highly regulated monstrosity
Brendan: Name two differences.
gellaho: Paperwork and boredom
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Its a dystopia just not a post apocalyptic one, that would make it too exciting for Jakes and he wouldnt get his naps.
gellaho: You big-ass mothersticker!
Brendan: Let her DIE?? Officer, that's the woman I would love if either of us could feel affection!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes the problem with creating your own swears is that if you dont do it with venom in your heart and on your lips, you end up with this "yippe kih yay mister falcon" shit.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: At least motherbumper would have been a viable attempt at a play on words, here
Brendan: The mother is the engine.
gellaho: Really give it in the crotch
Brendan: Therefore the bumper is DAT PIXAR BUTT
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: That cars got an Elastigrill if you get what I'm saying. Wait, that's the front... fuck it nevermind I'm sticking to it
gellaho: I'm pretty sure this car was driving itself, but let's pretend it wasn't
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Battle strategy: kick policeman in knee so hard it hyperextends into his DICK
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: This better be the start of the road clans declaring war on the federal government and like a three book epic trilogy and not a typical Jakes ending where it peters off and goes nowhere.
gellaho: On to part three where the lore is made up and the grammar doesn't matter
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: That would be better if it be, and you know it won't; Insightful quote from a Pixar's Cars porn parody there
gellaho: Thoroughly unpleasant
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Well now I'm sad.; Not that sad because I dont like children, or either of these characters.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Okay, I'm not sure where the hell we pivoted to fetus flinging
Brendan: Think of it as a mercy. Poor dear was spared Billy's parenting.; And she likely only suffered for 20-30 minutes of her 45-minute life.
gellaho: This is describing some sort of action
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Hey bud, did you forget you were mad at her for fucking your cousin?
gellaho: Damn crackers
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: His index finger said that? This just keeps getting weirder
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Ritz or saltines?; Ooooh maybe oyster crackers with garlic salt.
gellaho: Glum
gellaho: I'm always glum when a fundamental belief of mine has been disproven
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I mean let's be real "baby Rose Ann" was probably just a clump of cells at this point.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Billy was glum that, despite his best efforts, he somehow did not end up in jail again
gellaho: Billy thought of his fiery death diety. Then he thought of a comfy sweater.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I also wish I had a warm shirt when im drinking hard distilled alcohol.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Oh christ. Don't tell me ramps is supposed to be an in-universe slur
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: No they're another road clan.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen: Good, I was worried about Cousin Hector there, whoever that is
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy did a death race with Lee Ramp for fuckrights and accidentally set him on fire and left him for dead.
gellaho: Driving gloves and gospelrock
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha Jakes wrote this when November was a chilly month.
gellaho: Off to visit the Simpsons
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": If your speedo falls off to 55 mph, brother, that's a Bobsled Team
gellaho: Mentally finger the paper bag of mystery
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes.........cmon.
gellaho: Not his belly bottom!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Billy.......did you just shit your pants?"; "Billy you look like that time cousin Melbert cut the bottom off a can of beer."
gellaho: What a pleasant woman
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Oh that guy I burned to crisp and made outcast so I could fuck you? Yeah I kinda vaguely remember him. Hows his dick doing? I heard it got burned so bad it looks like overdone bacon."
gellaho: The Ramps honor had been affronted because they lost the race? I'm confused
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: CLAN! WAR! CLAN! WAR!; Gas up the battle vans!
gellaho: Big Daddy's got his van paint job all done up
gellaho: Hugest wide boots
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Big Daddy "Vallejofan69" Hardcharger.
gellaho: Are you ready for a really weird simile?
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Engines......is like babies?; OKay...
gellaho: Like baby genitals; Meanwhile, behold the multimillion speedo
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Its well known that the hog is the engine of the baby and the engine is the hog of the car.; Ohhhhhhhhh its 50 million miles.
gellaho: John Jakes confuses the semicolon for the comma
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes.......I cant really throw rocks here because I dont know how to use a semicolon properly. However, I do know you dont use it like that.
gellaho: Billy walks carefully to obfuscate his fear boner
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Colonel doing his Dark Knight voice so people dont know he's impressed and intimidated.
gellaho: Multicolored spoiled meat
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Guess Lee didnt learn his lesson from being pan seared the last time.
gellaho: Big deal, you can see thousands of guys like this at Bike Week or Biketoberfest
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Tell us about his fucking belt buckle or admit you are fake, Jakes.
Brendan: This is good.
gellaho: John Jakes decides to throw a stray at Jesus for some reason
gellaho: It's studded with pyramids; Which is how John Jakes understands studs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: yeah his whole belt, but not his buckle, it says nothing about his undoubtedly large and shiny belt buckle.
Brendan: You don't get to call someone out AND pick the field, that's shenanigans.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: You cant paint this word picture and have a dude like this not have a belt buckle that would hold in his guts if he were disemboweled by a flightless bird.; Thats a word crime.
gellaho: Yeah, futz seems like the sort of language Big Daddy would use
Brendan: What exactly are they settling that wasn't settled by Lee going Vader?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Honor.
gellaho: Any tension raised is immediately dispelled by the word "snoot"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: It's classic hillbilly feudin.; Or you could just like stab him to death here and now because his demands are bullshit, Billy.; Also "snoot" is a fun word.
gellaho: Really, really questioning why Jakes is sometimes coy about using dirty words
gellaho: Not great when you're trying to portray someone as so scary you'd piss yourself
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Yeah its more of a "talking to your dog" word.; I used to have a sheltie and I'd grab her stupid long nose and yell "Snoooooooooot!" and shed bark and run away and come back.
LyraV: Big Daddy does not mess around it seems.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: And so now thats really undercut Big Daddy.; I will say this, the road clans have a really sweet death god\vision.
Brendan: Jakes invites the neighbors over for dinner and asks them what they thought of his book.
gellaho: Pissy-ass supers
gellaho: Speaking of pissy-ass supers: Billy's a real pussy
Brendan: I had a religious vision of sex and murder while watching Heavy Metal II.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: HAhahaha Big Daddy is a weird little meth car goblin.; Why is he not the protagonist?
gellaho: The semicolons are back! And a new interloper: thence
LyraV: It ends up like that episode of the Brak Show, everyone singing sea shanties in a word stupor.
Brendan: I hate this world and everyone in it.; That's the most verisimilitude Jakes has given me.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Man imagine how every clan has a car based name and someone had to be the Johnsons still.
gellaho: MORE SEMICOLONS! MORE!; SYNTHETIC MEAT!; QUIKBAKE!; GRAAAAAAAVY!
LyraV: Thence it was that Brendan lost his love of language forever.
Brendan: This is the most misanthropic book we've ever read and it's not wrong.; This is Idiocracy minus a POV character.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Rose-Ann cant even make an apple pie from scratch, the fat girl could have. You really fucked up, Billy.
gellaho: Begin the ennui of serious writing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Also now I'm going to have a death race where I shall surely perish because of you, and you fucked my cousin."
Brendan: Ah, we've entered the portion of the book where the author begins working out his issues.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Just kinda kills the atmo, hon."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Kissin' don't last; cookin' do.
Brendan: Rose Ann can never do for him what burning another man alive does.
gellaho: He was happily married for like 70 years, so probably not
Brendan: We don't know that he didn't drag race in the 50s and romance Paula Abdul.
gellaho: He could be MC Skat Kat, you're right
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "happily married" is what you put on your obituary when you havent spoken more than six words to your wife for 20 years, it just means "We didnt SEE any fistfights and all the shootings were non fatal."
gellaho: Don't insult the recently deceased king; Stick it in the exhaust
gellaho: Billy admits he would like to fuck his car
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Rose-Ann........you've always been a nasty bitch and could never even BEGIN to compete with the pure love betwixt man and machine.
Brendan: Whom we magically regicided.; The exact instant he became one with the universe, he was cosmically aware and the only people memorializing him were pigpiling his life's work.
gellaho: Jakes are you trying to make me care? I can't, these people all suck and this world makes no sense
Brendan: Rose Ann fades away into the Tom Petty song she was always destined to live.
LyraV: Like there was ever any questions about how Billy feels about his car.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I don't care about any of this! I just want to know if there's anything beyond the highway. Or if maybe they just segregated all the rednecks there.
gellaho: It's been suggested multiple times by other Spoilers. No idea why it hasn't happened
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Or maybe, Billy, you just married a woman whos kind of shitty and self centered and doesnt like you having a hobby.; Or maybe you are Al Bundy reincarnated.; In a road based purgatory.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: It didn't seem like she had any interests between raising her tail and starting cockfights.
gellaho: Eat shit, Ferd
Brendan: Playing the Great Game with men's silly little minds was her interest.; How easily these mortals are turned by their pricking desires.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Someone just needs to ruck up in front of Billys place and play Dolly Partons Divorce on loop for like 20 hours at max volume.
gellaho: Goodbying and give-em-helling
LyraV: Jesus guys Ferd has weird feelings too, calm down.; Any of these people calling someone a loser feels a bit glass house.
gellaho: Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
gellaho: Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.; Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.; Am I having a stroke?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Especially Billy the soon to be divorced and twice cucked. Ferds wife can cook too.; "Billy, you have to stop calling it "a jac", its a fucking jacket, its never going to happen, just admit you bought a size too small. This is why Rose-Ann fucked Cousin Boort."
gellaho: Called up God to kill the cocksucker
Brendan: The Marseilles plays in the background...
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: The only prayers God really ever answers.; Just not reliably.
gellaho: Yeah, that's a van paint job for sure
gellaho
Brendan: I AM THE LORD THY GOD. YOU ARE MY FAVORED PEOPLE. I SHALL DELIVER THEE UNTO THE QUIKBRED POTS OF NEW CANAAN, CT.; Big Daddy is a ratfink, confirmed.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Billy needs to make a jack off and toss motion in return.
gellaho: Bastard'd
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes........you dont have to print stuff like people talk.; I know it seems like what all the cool authors would do but it just makes for a bad read.; Or commit to it and write your whole book like that.
gellaho: The Big Johnson van
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: God imagine if Jakes wrote a book that was so full of Southern\Midwestern accent and slang that it became a second Finnegans Wake.; The Big Johnson Van, selling great novelty T-Shirts.; "You'll always shift gears easily when you have a Big Johnson."
gellaho: Spurted all over his windshield
gellaho: Big Daddy is presenting
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: So if this race is to the death then what the fuck does how fast you go matter?
gellaho: Showboating I guess
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Seems like outpacing the other dude by so much just means you cant run him into a tree.
gellaho: But don't worry about that, Rose is hurt again. And the reason is wilder than you'd think
gellaho: He fucking backed over her on the way out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Big goddam deal? She went to get Lee's Fried Extra Tasty Crispy Hog last night, we're basically divorced after I admitted I wanna kiss and make love to my car."
LyraV: Holy shit.
Brendan: Billy, I know you're driving for your life, but I thought you should know your wife is run over by you.
gellaho: Still alive enough to make a phone call though
Brendan: hahahaha, she's like an unkillable comedy skit; Rose Ann: Green Knight
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "Yes."; "I fucking hate you, you piece of shit, I hope you die."; "Put Ferd back on."
gellaho: She admits to fucking up his steering
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "SO YOU FUCKING MURDERED ME?!"; "Jesus we could have worked it out."
gellaho: And admits to seeing Lee
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "I mean I'm in a FUCKING DEATH RACE!"
LyraV: I mean we stuck a fox in there and it's liable to start stealing eggs something fierce, thus disabling your power steering.
gellaho: But not fucking Lee because his dick don't work
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Also indicating Lee doesnt eat the pussy.
gellaho: She's low, but not that low; Anyway, she passes out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Low enough to be under the wheels of a car, ba dum tish.; I gotta say, running over your wife like she's an escaped Pomeranian and not noticing is fucked up, Billy.
gellaho: "Also, I had nothing to do with it. She ran herself over!"
LyraV: Yeah it's strange how he didn't remember running someone over until actually told he did so.
gellaho: So, I'm pretty sure they get in and out of the vans via mechanical arms ("grabbers") operated by someone else; But Jakes seems to have forgotten that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: If Jakes cant remember I dont see why we have to.
gellaho: The book mentioned earlier that he thought he heard someone's name while backing out.; I skipped it because I never could have foreseen this
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: "OH ARRRRGH BILLY! NOOOOOOO!"; "Huh. Must have been the neighbors cat."
gellaho: Them Duke Boys are at it again
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Did we just drop the whole death race angle?
gellaho: Caromed
LyraV: It sounds delicious.
gellaho: Jesus Christ, that is needlessly specific
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes......do you think just doing this same "I HAVE TO GET MY WIFE TO A HOSPITAL AND MAYBE ALSO STOP AND BREAK THE LAW IN DOING SO!" scene again is really something we need.; I was really into the death race with the weird hillbilly goblin.
gellaho: Time for answers?
gellaho: There are only like five pages left; What? Indeed.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Jakes this should have been the focus of your book, not introduced this late, bud.; You got me horny for a death race and now I have this useless death race boner.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I KNEW IT!; 🥳
gellaho: Urbanization. Except, just in the same areas so there's plenty of land, people are just stubbornly staying in cities
gellaho: I guess
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Suburbs? Nah?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Wait so where the fuck is anyone growing food?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Just build out from the city edges?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Rooftop agri domes?
LyraV: Sure alright Road Plates, government, phoenix cars. Got it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Ooooh did Jakes invent those neat Chinese pig skyscrapers?!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: All that exhaust can't be doing the environment any good
gellaho: These plans make no sense
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: But you motorheads, forget it
gellaho: Wolves, even. Wolves!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Why not just........use eminent domain to reclaim uninhabited land and give land grants..........Jakes what the fuck?; Jakes........Wolves were borderline extinct in North America when you wrote this.
gellaho: The horrible pudding of confusion
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Like by all rights this future would be impossible simply because of all the fucking deer running across the ten lane highways.
gellaho: The ten percent of the population that's also very small but also there's too many people
LyraV: They told the deer they had to go 40mph or else.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: It's been a while since I saw a complete vision of the future that was this dumb.
gellaho: I usually present one at least bimonthly; DUN; DUN; DUN
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Corporate States of America!; Reading this turned someone into a Sovereign Citizen.
gellaho: You know how the government quietly takes over business. You know how that's a thing that can happen without anyone knowing?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Why does any of this matter, Jakes?; The book is ending.
gellaho: "Yadda Yadda, you get it" - John Jakes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: hahahaha and we all know that the government always takes over private businesses when they become too big and important.
gellaho: Swollen all fat
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Maybe he'd listen better if you stopped calling him "Road plate" like its some kind of slur?
gellaho: You're sounding like a real stopper; John Jakes is tired of explaining
gellaho: Yogi the Road Plate
gellaho: Escairt
Brendan: DAWN OF DRAGONARD
gellaho: Uh
gellaho: So I guess that's supposed to be "a-scared"
gellaho: John Jakes had one idea in 1969-1970
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I prefer "escurred"
gellaho: Commas
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Lol so 10% of the population is like......at most a large cities worth, and they have all that random ass land.; Like yeah its a Jakarta's worth of people but thats fuckin doable.
gellaho: Wet down his cheeks
gellaho: America is the size of Luxembourg, right?
Brendan: See, @Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺? Rose Ann does have a hobby of being carted in a hot rod to the hospital for plot urgency.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: How many tall men wide is Luxembourg?
gellaho: Like 70
Brendan: 71, they made a friend.
gellaho: And back to Big Daddy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I still cant get over Billy wearing halfboots.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Wtf happened to her this time?! I was doing the dishes.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Like I was pretty sure half boots are ladies boots, my mom has a pair.; Google and Amazon think so too.
gellaho: John Jakes decides to start writing his black metal album
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Like im sure Billy slays in his kicky half boots tho.
Brendan: She sabotaged his car and fucked Lee, so he accidentally backed over her and didn't know it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Well......tried to fuck Lee, his dick dont work on account of the Baconing.; And he canonically doesnt eat the pussy.
gellaho: John Jakes has a talent for writing white people racistly
gellaho: And I didn't know that was possible
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: GIF
Brendan: In his defense, his tongue is a lump of charcoal.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: That passage seemed to imply she wouldn't have regretted her move if he could fuck.
gellaho: John Jakes makes an allusion to Gatsby with his use of "orgiastic"
gellaho: The green light is a stoplight in this case
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: He dont really have lips either, so its a non starter all round, but he could at least get in there and TRY
gellaho: Time for the big ending
gellaho: SEMICOLONS
gellaho: Well, something is happening. Not sure what
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: God it took so long to get to sending one of these stupid fucks to meet the naked big tittied lady cummin on a firebird I forgot there was even a death race.
Brendan: Big Daddy is the one actually annointed by Car God, maybe he's the protagonist.
gellaho: You know, I can't be sure, but I think Big Daddy's car is on fire
gellaho: It's subtle, but it's there
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I think its just the paint job.; Billy is none too bright anyway.
gellaho: It's unfortunate you said that right before his car exploded
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Sometimes the Angel of Combustion calls you home.
Brendan: He's just doing a Neo.
gellaho: And now Billy ascends
gellaho: And he's dead
gellaho: The End.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Well that was abrupt.
Brendan: hahahaha really?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Was there a lady fucking the firebird? With Rose Ann's face?
gellaho: Vartanig G Vartan
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I guess sometimes stories dont have a satisfying ending, like cunnilingus from a burn victim.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Vart de fook?
gellaho: Wake up screaming!
Brendan: This book was a Greek tragedy for bootleggers.; Dragonard would have landed it, that's all I'm saying.; Rex Moran? All in the plan.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: I love the idea that the Nazis could have won World War II like if only things had gone just a bit different.
gellaho: We have defeated ON WHEELS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage: Its total gibberish but its fun.; That cover still fucks.
gellaho: I'm definitely not going to take this out of context; So concludes the 98th Edition of The Book Cage
Brendan: Pluto is welcome to some of our sun energy
gellaho: May all your automobile manufacturers be government-owned
Brendan: Let's Secret History pact this one and bury it next to Fancy Shark.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: Thanks, guys, I'm just glad I was right about the twist and that everyone died.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot": The really sad thing is we never found out why we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway.
gellaho: Just wanted to make sure everyone caught this detail
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺: I know, I'm incredibly salty about it; Like, they DARED
Brendan: This is the Slaughterhouse Five of roadbilly scifi. The Dune of punknose Keifer Sutherland roles.