98: ON WHEELS John Jakes

Tags: The Year of Pain

The powerful and prophetic novel of tomorrow's warrior of the highway

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gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 98 - ON WHEELS
Our fallen king John Jakes is back and, well, just look at it. In the future, 10% of Americas population lives on the road. Always. If any member of the clan ever goes below 40 mph, they die. Featuring a cover that bafflingly mentions Slaughterhouse Five and Dune, it's a "brilliant prophetic novel of America's future lost generation." Come ON WHEELS, fellow Children of the Firebird, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
POP QUIZ HOTSHOT
bacteriamaster jakesy
John Jakes walked so Keanu Reeves could run in SPEED
waywardcross
"Just drove here from the post-Apocalypse and boy are my arms tires"
gellaho
A little under an hour until ON WHEELS by John Jakes. Spoiler alert for this preview
FancyShark
Was he born, born to be wild?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I guess he really was born in motion if he's a screaming full grown man with wheels for arms and feet
Brendan
Last of the Dragonards VI: DOWNSHIFT
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"Billy Spoiler Worships Speed"
I mean, it's a fine movie, but it's not that good
Brendan
Sounds more like Speed took its notes from Billy Spoiler
Billy Spoiler is Billy Karate's cousin. He shows up once per season like Tom Hanks on Family Ties.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
If Billy Spoiler's not a Turbo Teen what has any of this been for
gellaho
Let's ride.
FancyShark
Someone painted the answer to "why do you like cars?"
gellaho
RIP
gellaho
THE LAST AMERICAN HERO IS JUNIOR JOHNSON. YES!
FancyShark
YES!
gellaho
Little weird to quote a book about an old-time NASCAR driver for your future distopia, but you do you, Jakes
i / Low Gear
FancyShark
More lore, Jakes. More!
Give me so much tablesetting there isn't room for a guest
gellaho
Get on the radiophone
Brendan
It's weird how many sci-fi writers got bored, stuck in traffic, hated it, and thought, in the future, everyone will want to do this full-time.
GDC
Radiophones are how you know it's the future.
gellaho
I hate it when my brain coils
Brendan
Picture a phone in your car, but with the 500-mile spool of telephone wire removed from the rear axle.
FancyShark
God damn that light
gellaho
Boy, that sure is one sentence
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh my fucking god it sure is.
This is why Jakes is a book cage legend.
GDC
That's a lot of words for 'deathtrap'
FancyShark
Just Billy and his Pinto
GDC
His pinto with the check engine light on.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Billy Spoiler worships fiery combustion!!
gellaho
The far off past-future from the 1970s
Slapped, "dialled," and fiddled to get the intercar
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
God I love when sci fi is just normal shit with Jetpacks taped on.
Brendan
Billy doesn't stop for ANYTHING.
FancyShark
"He entered the car like an ape that had never seen a car before"
Brendan
He lives his life on the run. Run ON.
gellaho
Jobe Spoiler says explore the rearvision for the Ramps
Brendan
The real tragedy of Tiananmen Square was it voided this world's speculative history from ever coming true.
FancyShark
"Ramps. I only heard of these in songs and stories."
Brendan
So Billy Karate is a first cousin then?
gellaho
Billy's leakin'
gellaho
They call their internal combustion engine cars "mothers" for some reason
GDC
"nope, just the Flintstones kind"
FancyShark
Freud goes to get a fresh notebook
gellaho
The lugubrious, always cheering gravel-rasp of the many-named Tal. So venerated because he finished high school
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The characters name is being built as you read it
Innovative
Brendan
Well obviously you can't fuck your dad.
FancyShark
Col Tal has some Major Major Major Major authority going on
GDC
Those were crossed out but the publisher left them in anyway.
Brendan
They're bad fatherfuckers? No, no, ridiculous.
FancyShark
I dig that he's special because no one knows why he's there
Brendan
He was hard charger who drove a Lincoln Mercury
As all old men do.
GDC
He just showed up one day with a clipboard and a hardhat.
gellaho
The ramps drive turbines. If you were wondering what that means, keep wondering
FancyShark
ahhhh. John Jakes and his never-explained terminology. It feels good to see again
gellaho
Tighten your bowels
FancyShark
Fuck yeah on the new title, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com
gellaho
That's too many tires
gellaho
We may also have to examine what "van" means
FancyShark
It's short for "vanhicle"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This motherfucker pulling up in a clone trooper turbo tank
gellaho
The highway patrol has a bedtime, because what bad could happen in the middle of the night?
FancyShark
The lanes are multiplying with each paragraph
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
That's morning shift's problem
gellaho
Saw Tal's mother yaw
FancyShark
If this was an audiobook, this would be the point where Jakes started to sound like he was improvising
Brendan
He's gotten better on the passive speech, but still needs to slice through the crap excess detail.
GDC
Tal's nodding off at the wheel.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
That's his secret, cap
gellaho
If the van's a-rockin', just come right inside
FancyShark
I'm sure this won't play a part in the story later
That wasn't sarcasm
gellaho
I'm not sure John Jakes understands motor vehicles if he thinks you can link a ton of them together and just keep driving
GDC
These gang names are stupid.
FancyShark
Cloverleafs. I assume they're Bulgarian?
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have called Tal "a hard charger" before if you were going to use "Hardcharger" as a proper name on the next page
FancyShark
How have we gotten this far in Book Cage without a character named Big Daddy?
Brendan
Listen, you can't backspace a typewriter
GDC
We've just had medium daddies so far.
gellaho
The nasty oversized blowhole of the happily married
FancyShark
Lord, I was born a rampin' man
gellaho
The situation was quite ticklish
FancyShark
Witness him?
Brendan
It was a fuckmobile, got it.
A fuckmobile continuously edging.
GDC
You can tell how nasty a turbine gets based on their blowhole.
gellaho
But when it comes to performance - fuckgobbler
GDC
Billy, listen. Lee is doing this because he wants to fuck you.
FancyShark
Maybe don't breath so heavily while you say it, at least
Brendan
You're all exhaust, no horsepower.
gellaho
Ghostly balls
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh man, you have to be perpetually blueballed when you're a ghost?
That's so rough.
GDC
Jakes rolls dice every time he needs a number of lanes.
gellaho
Some numbskull pophead stopper in-boring on the merge-in feeder
FancyShark
This reads like Jakes was being misled by a bunch of truckers at a diner about truck lingo
gellaho
Hot punch has started many blood feuds
GDC
Ginger punch sounds like something Dickens characters would drink.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Keeps you from getting a cold at least.
gellaho
Sparkly intensity
FancyShark
Ginger Punch is my MMA drag name
gellaho
Never going below 40 on the Federal I-Jobs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sadness tugged at Billy, like a truckstop sex worker.
gellaho
Electric runabout can't do 80mph
FancyShark
Merging: The Novel
gellaho
Something you'll notice about this book is how the speeds they're going don't really seem that fast
GDC
Although I give Jakes credit for predicting Tesla drivers.
FancyShark
This is 1970's speeds. You have to adjust for inflation
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jobe Spoiler, inventor of the chromed bumper.
gellaho
There's also a lot of bumper car action
FancyShark
Unstable Max: Annoyance Road
gellaho
The fuck is a half-boot
GDC
This is just a normal commute in Toronto.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
lmao a half boot? Like what school marms wear?
gellaho
The license plates of a warrior
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Are there two Nevadas in this future highway hellscape?
gellaho
And they say chivalry is dead
GDC
Good thing these outlaw clans have valid plates with current registration.
FancyShark
They're rebels. But they're not law breakers.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It did a very specific maneuver, so common and so uniform that it's named after a letter of the alphabet, out of control
gellaho
Gasoline is illegal, so the Spoilers' mothers are illegal. But they can also run in packs without being pulled over and have them registered?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is like a very old man read Damnation Alley and the first chapter of Snow Crash, did LSD, and is trying to describe what those stories are like while he hallucinates he is being frozen in time.
gellaho
Anyway, one of the Ramps ran into the lady driver, suffering the indignity of dropping below forty. But keeping some pride by walking
GDC
After falling asleep watching mad max.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Must making pissing real awkward.
gellaho
8 Mile
FancyShark
You have to imagine they've passed the same cactus enough times to name it. The Sierra Nevada desert is big but it's not "drive forever and never see the end" big
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How do you even refuel something if you have to do it shark style and never stop moving?
GDC
And adjusted the rolled up sock
gellaho
If you're car starts falling apart at 94mph, I'm not sure you're cut out for street racing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
94 isnt even that fast.......
GDC
That's a very narrow range of speeds they can be in. Not less than 40, but 94 is dangerous.
FancyShark
The moderately paced and the furious
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Those are speed detaching parts, they make you go faster
He's sure to win when he pulls out this little trick
gellaho
He's got fatter nuts to tighten
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
:FuckApe:
GDC
He tightens fat nuts, and leaves wiping up to someone else.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Big Daddy "Fat Tight Nuts" Ramp?
FancyShark
Does "see the big fifty" mean he'll see fifty years old or is it a highway?
GDC
He wants to see all fifty states?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or see all 50 states?
gellaho
The odometer of a legend
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cos hes gonna run into trouble in some of the Appalachian ones if he cant go under 40.
gellaho
(ignore that John Jakes called it a speedometer)
GDC
A five digit odometer really dates this.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Big Daddy "Fat Tight Nuts" Hardcharger......
FancyShark
At mile 100,000, it explodes
gellaho
Billy imagines his god of death is ridden by a chick with sweet tits
GDC
Or just more evidence his car sucks.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This is a really weird adaptation of Desert Bus you guys
FancyShark
A lady with hair of corn and tits of milk
GDC
This is desert communal van.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh man no wonder they think 50,000 miles on the odometer is a big deal if a Firebird is a legendary car.
gellaho
The grammar on that first sentence really went out the window
FancyShark
Hightest meaning high-test or someone prejudiced against the tall?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Did the author have a stroke? "there was a hightest gas used it for signs"?
gellaho
You know, when that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Someones editor had to have been dying of lead poisoning to have let that slip by.
gellaho
Your car sucks, Billy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hahahahah it cant go past 101, my shitty SUV can and probably not even blow the engine.
gellaho
Suddenly: station wagon
GDC
Does he mean... neon?
gellaho
And those kids are fucking dead
FancyShark
The Griswalds try to take out the Ramps
hahahahaha, wait
Brendan
The longer you drive, the bigger the desert gets.
GDC
They were just trying to beat rush hour.
FancyShark
These idiots have a "never drive below 40mph" rule and they live in a world where other people stop?
How are they still alive?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Really, who drives a fucking station wagon in the nightmare future?
gellaho
So, high-test is a gasoline thing. I have no idea what happened with the sign. I'm pretty sure some words went missing there
FancyShark
TIL
gellaho
I'm going to be skipping the car action. I don't think even the best authors could make car chases comprehensible in text
Billy gets crashed into the wall. He uses his speedo to check if he's a man
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
A very common experience for boys of his age
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
At least in Damnation Alley, Roger Zelazny had the good sense to include being attacked by giant mutant possibly radioactive bats.
Brendan
Now do we think should of was a stylistic choice or the author's own mistake?
GDC
Billy is as bad at grammar as he is at having a good car.
gellaho
Bullet-shaped milk freighters
Brendan
Babe, what do you say tonight we slow down to 45 mph and just enjoy ourselves?
NO! SUSAN I goddamn SAID
FancyShark
DEER!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
HYPEMILK: WE SHOOT OUR MILK AT YOU
gellaho
You know how you suffer hurrahs
FancyShark
"In fact, stop talking altogether, Billy"
gellaho
If they're 10% of the population, I think there are, by definition, many clans on the roads
FancyShark
aww, they meet up for Christmas? That's sweet
GDC
Is this one of those post apocalyptic stories where the government is still perfectly intact?
gellaho
Billy bleeds black
gellaho
Spurt towards the egg
FancyShark
Billy isn't the first person who vowed to stab someone at a holidy get-together
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy........are you a beetle? Do you have ichor?
FancyShark
Someone say Spurt?
Brendan
All of our books fit within the Steele universe, where Staten Island is a mysterious deathwaste but also we truck in coffee over the Lincoln Tunnel.
gellaho
You gotta use all the punctuation, that's what they're there for
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The roving clans of moto reavers use every part of the English language.
FancyShark
Yes, Wrinkleproof was a cutting expose on the fabric softener industry
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Exclamation points are filed to become machetes.
gellaho
THE FEDERALLY-ISSUED LICENSE PLATE OF A WARRIOR-NOMAD
gellaho
GDC
The highways have 1d20 lanes
FancyShark
The DMV in post-apocalyptic America does not fuck around. You WILL register on time
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
LICENSED ROAD SAMURAI
Brendan
Stupid gang logic is the most realistic part of this book.
gellaho
Bleeding black all the way to his dick
Brendan
"I know it helps the cops catch me but I'm obliged to stunt on other outlaws."
GDC
Federally licensed outlaws.
Brendan
okay but why capitalize Tin?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Hey Colonel? Remember how I said I cut myself? Turns out I done scraped my whole forehead off."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Caplital letters make it cooler and more important.
FancyShark
He better slow down to the low 40s if he's going to pass out
gellaho
If you are wondering how these gigantic road vans get constructed when they have to be going 40 at all times: don't
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
it's like if Mortal Engines was stupid.
FancyShark
I hope it's bungee cords and putting the cars in neutral
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well you start with a set of wheels that you toss off the back of a truck while its tied to something.
And meth.
gellaho
Also, the speed limit is 80, so their cars really suck
FancyShark
Mostly meth
gellaho
Sammy Spoiler: mobile mechanic
GDC
Oh. They've got one of those trucks like in knight rider.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I wonder if Jakes played Car Wars or Autoduel or maybe Atomic Highway?
FancyShark
Sammy hasn't even looked at their cars yet but he's already overcharging them
gellaho
Here's another Billy's willy update:
gellaho
His dick is wobbly. Repeat: wobbly.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
He should take up pedestrianism
FancyShark
If your genitals are wobbly, that means they're...working? Asleep?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billys willy is wobbly when it should be wibbly. Its a bad sign.
FancyShark
Mad Max by Dr Seuss
gellaho
I'm not sure how these 28 apartment vans help get the doctor there quicker, but whatever
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You have to be really agile to jump from van to van.
They lose so many doctors in the assorted pistons and wheel wells.
gellaho
Swing and a miss on the prognostication, Jakes
FancyShark
Those safety devices? The Club
gellaho
Definitely a better system than parking
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Pollution control device is half a potato with a hole drilled thru it in the tailpipe and a box of baking soda in the glove box.
gellaho
At least, that's what an old Irishman told me
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Hey what if doing things with car was as awkward and dangerous as doing things in space?"
FancyShark
Putting car in neutral and letting the other car's engine haul twice the load. This will not backfire
gellaho
The doctor gives Billy viagra, then goes on his way
gellaho
As far as what "rendered his punchcard" means, who knows?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How would you change the oil like this? Or brake pads?
gellaho
You drive into the service vehicle, which is going at least 40 and do it in there
How do the larger vehicles get serviced?
Road Fairies
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
If Billy gets three more head injuries he can get a free six inch sub.
gellaho
The van is big enough for a hospital wing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy, if you are lying in a bunk, or standing in a way that you face a direction not in keeping with your velocity, are you still a real man?
gellaho
If you were worried, the drugged up girl was fine
gellaho
Kids are still dead, though
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The ultimate van
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like if you turn sideways in the van are you not then travelling not forward?
gellaho
They don't believe in relativity
FancyShark
So when Groucho Marx said "A hotel bed is a parked taxi with the meter running", is this what he meant?
Oh, she was jailed? By the outlaws?
gellaho
Time for another Billy's willy update:
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Whats even the point of nightmarish future road warrior shit if you cant do drugs without the Man coming at you?!
gellaho
The Federal Highway Patrol, I'd assume
GDC
This is just regular America with a bunch of mad max larpers
gellaho
I have a hard time picturing any of this
Brendan
Gen. Ford Motors is the one man Col. Tal Dumbname respects.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I assume these people can never reproduce except by kidnapping because they can only go forward during sex.
Brendan
So, Texas.
gellaho
Scrooch
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The old "In and in more."
Brendan
Well the secret is to thrust in and never pull out.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Til you climb out your partners mouth like some kind of parasitic wasp larvae.
gellaho
She had been a Tollbooth
Brendan
How do you decouple? Easy, turn around and face aft. Now you're pulling forward.
But you do have to subtract the relative momentum of the sex from the forward momentum.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Every coital session ends in a foot race.
God help you if you fuck someone slower than you.
Brendan
This is why all Spoiler vaginas are aimed fore of convoy at birth. To give the kids a headstart.
FancyShark
Don't know why he capitalized it. She was an actual tollbooth
This Cars fanfic is getting weird
Brendan
This dumb book would make an awesome video game though.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"His right leg was still jamming up and down..." its called death spasms, dont worry, the twitching stops before long.
gellaho
The school van
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh no wonder they dont believe in relativity, they only have an eighth grade education.
gellaho
Alright, so we're now implying that going below 40 is deadly
FancyShark
So the station wagon was full of dead people?
I mean, before the crash
gellaho
Plasto pint
FancyShark
That means "sippy cup"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The government could get rid of these people by just not repairing roads for a while.
FancyShark
Hell, Illinois did that for years
Brendan
What kind of MAN goes below 40 except FREQUENTLY when going fast creates avoidable crashes that NECESSITATE he stop?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And thats why nobody can leave Illinois by car.
gellaho
His fancy, highfalutin high school education
Brendan
Illinois Nazis. I don't know as you'd call 'em people.
FancyShark
Fuckin' nazi pary. I hate Illinois nazis
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Illinoizis we call em.
gellaho
I assume when John Jakes moved to Florida, he learned this wasn't true
Brendan
This is radical sci-fi.
Positing a dry Florida.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe once the atomic wars dry up the seas?
Or something?
Brendan
Sea killed my father, so I took revenge.
FancyShark
The Colonel better talk like Foghorn Leghorn or he's in violation of the Panama Hat Old Guy doctrine
GDC
Jakes is pushing back against the moist Florida narrative.
gellaho
Time for another Billy's willy update:
gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Did he just get circumcised or something?
FancyShark
Billy's dick must be his Jiminy Cricket
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes are you trying to tell us Billy is horny or be broke his dick in a car accident?
Because you can do that and its a serious medical condition, Jakes.
gellaho
Grandiloquent
GDC
Jakes deploys some grizzled prospector style racial slurs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Damn y'all have been doing this shit for only fifty years and already forgot shit?
FancyShark
Exhaust fumes are not good for long term exposure
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"It was our Road God given right to keep putting lead in our gas and bygod we continue to do it."
"Now perk up your third ear on your back and listen close, Billy."
gellaho
I don't know what you are talking about
Unrelated
FancyShark
Oh hell
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hahahahahahah
gellaho
FancyShark
lol
Jakes, you are so not equipped to handle that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh buddy. Jakes. Buddy......no.
gellaho
Spring frog fever
Brendan
I miss Rex Moran so much.
We didn't deserve that beautiful creature.
gellaho
I think he's the perfect guy for it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
We shall never see his like again.
So......Billy is horny? Like......frogs?
gellaho
My share of gash
Brendan
Really just depends what consumer products he feels are Black enough to become his characters' surnames, doesn't it?
Like if the Black People homeplanet is Maple Syruptopia, we have a problem.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Colonel, I have that dried gourd I put slices of room temperature deli meat in, like we all do."
FancyShark
There's piece of ass and there's share of gash, but never call someone either of those or you're headed for a shallow grave
Brendan
I'm kidding, of course. OBVIOUSLY he would call Black Earth "MapSyria."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
If you're going faster than 40 miles an hour you get there much quicker.
gellaho
Get that gash!
Brendan
"You know, like the kind of woman you killed back there."
FancyShark
Speaking of gash, how's that head wound treating you, Billy?
gellaho
A future without denim!? This certainly is a dystopia
GDC
Isn't denim made out of cotton?
FancyShark
You never stop driving. Who cares what people are wearing in an immobile city?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Yeah, you cant grow cotton on top of a van.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
City on wheels, boom.
gellaho
Fancied Holiday Inn
FancyShark
I'm sorry but the off-shoot of Holiday Inn is called Days Inn and it's as sad as that name implies
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It really is just Mortal Empires
gellaho
You know, the instrument "traps"
FancyShark
Excuse me, Jakes, but I believe you mean the gashes of the clans and their droplings
gellaho
You know, like how Jesus lived
FancyShark
And the Lord said "Ass, Gas or Grass. No one be Saved for free"
gellaho
John Jakes has decided that subtlety is for the weak
gellaho
All the talent for social satire as someone on Tumblr
FancyShark
So overcrowded that it took three hours for them to reach the nearest doctor
GDC
Classic 70s overpopulation sci-fi
gellaho
And they are 10% of the population, but there aren't that many of them
Figure that out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And nobody can just turn to their granddad and say "Grandaddy is all that true?" because 50 years is an unfathomable span of time........
Who even lives that long?
FancyShark
Not Billy's dad, that's for sure
gellaho
I'm not sure I understand this belief system
FancyShark
He couldn't have learned anything. He was born eight years after the world changed
gellaho
For one thing, he says there's plenty of room to live in cities. But also, everyone should live on the road. But also, somehow fight in Asia
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Jakes no! Never get involved in a land war in Asia!
Brendan
This book makes much more sense if you take Jakes as despising every one of his idiot characters. This is his Robocop.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
But never go slower than 40 miles an hour while you drive to Asia.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure he does
Brendan
It's him saying "Here's everything that sucks about America if the sucky suckers win."
gellaho
He's made them stereotypical road hillbillies
gellaho
Like I said, all the social satire of a Tumblr post
GDC
They claim they're free because they live on government funded highways. They're really just libertarians.
gellaho
Billy says no fatties
Brendan
I'm satirizing your observation.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy, you just missed out bud.
gellaho
They somehow turned four vans into a dance floor. Figure that out
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Fucking sick, actually
gellaho
Choicest gash
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Ah yes, "fried chickens" and "the trimmings"
FancyShark
I hope his head is still bleeding through this
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Mmmm, fried chicken.
gellaho
Choice gash targeted
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh no somebody spiked Billy's punch!
gellaho
Hard lubbing
FancyShark
Complex series of emotions for spotting a creep across the room
gellaho
John Jakes likes himself some high tits
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shirley Talltits
FancyShark
Taffy is gray, isn't it?
Brendan
You can tell when it's ready if the thighs smell young.
GDC
I've never heard the phrase taffy colored before.
gellaho
Taffy can be many colors
It can also be Laffy
Seductive finger wiggles
Brendan
This is an entire culture that sits 24/7, you would think a fat girl would be treasured for having an ass.
LOVE YOURSELVES, LADIES
#go39getbusydyin
gellaho
Billy stiffened at her woman-teasing
FancyShark
Damn her woman-ways
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy that sex gourd you made for the long nights on the road is looking better and better for you.
FancyShark
So it's the post apocalypse but dating is still in the 1950s
gellaho
Stay away from the Holiday Inn people, Billy
Brendan
Billy liked his women barely legal (driving age) and acting even younger than that. Also sickly and playing weird mind games.
gellaho
Can't get drive-thru if you can't go under 40
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh shit she has bedbugs and a lousy continental breakfast.
Brendan
#go40forfreedom
Billy has never smelled a lilac in his life.
He literally cannot stop to smell the roses.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Unless he has weird taste in car air fresheners.
gellaho
Languorous broken-hearted mountainpop
Brendan
although I guess he's stopping to smell Rose's young girl thighs.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Leaving room for Motor Jesus.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I'm glad naming music keeps getting stupid in the future past
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
A couple of them
gellaho
Uh oh
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
A yard, you could fit 2-3 Jesi
Brendan
Just picture them mournfully doing that '80s shoulder twist but slower and with room for the holy spirit
FancyShark
Looking like they're trying to take off an itchy coat
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
"My papa wouldn't let me come until I was 17"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Someone is playing a washboard and jug but as a funeral dirge.
Brendan
My Papa never goes below 50. I've vowed to take no man's hand what can't outrace him.
Brendan
Promise Enforcers
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
That's the charitable read
FancyShark
Tell her she's the prettiest gash you ever saw, Billy. She'll be taffy in your arms.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Gash is one my least favorite synonyms for pussy
gellaho
I can't say I understand, no
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
axe wound is worse
Brendan
"You don't smell sinful like the other girls. Your lilac axe wound makes your thighs seem like home."
Billy goes to ask her father's permission to take her gas cap.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I think my favorite is "kid-shitter" tho.
Brendan
SCOOPED!
GDC
Rose brushed him boobily.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
OMG I've never heard that one 😬
gellaho
The fuck are you two doing
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Don't scoop me, man, I just got here
Ramb$ne
it's Australian
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Slit that fuckers weasand, Billy! Ladies love it.
Brendan
No -- 'Twas Mordred, scooped the Beast!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
"just like all the rest" 🤓
FancyShark
Come on, Billy. This is your chance to impress her by murdering her boyfriend
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I thought that was in response! 😅
Brendan
Australians wheeling laboring mothers-to-be into a ward marked "Southern Headbutts, Ya C***s"
gellaho
No, no, no. That's not his name! That can't be his name!
gellaho
Ramb$ne
oh yeah that's formal talk, though, Bogans at play use kid-shitter
gellaho
John Jakes! You are too good!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
St. Patrick's Day?
Brendan
Rose can only be aroused by male on male violence.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
As Motor Jesus intended.
gellaho
Big-man style
Brendan
I took a Belcher Holiday, in Louisiana. Seemed appropriate at the time.
FancyShark
Billy hurt
Billy not like
Brendan
Can't believe this lunatic tease who starts fights and expects me to finish them didn't want to meet me to enjoy her bodily autonomy, UGH.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
His groin again?
gellaho
Hit, pound, attack
GDC
Bigman is a style of belt loop manipulation. Tallman is a measure of length in the Jakesverse.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
ITS BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE STABMAS!
gellaho
Seems healthy
FancyShark
Our story so far: Road Warriors killed some people and now one of them is being snubbed at the school dance
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Lust, Billy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy you are a real disappointment as a protagonist, get your kin and beat Lee Ramps ass later.
FancyShark
Dude, you danced with her once. That isn't love. That's hormones
Brendan
This whole book feels like Jakes drove I-95 to some redneck bar and scowled at all of it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy isnt going to go out historic on the Fury Road.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Sad Max
gellaho
Ew
FancyShark
Goddammit, Jakes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hell of a way to tell us Rose has bad breath.
Brendan
Each night Billy asks the stars up above
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I'd say husky, but...
Brendan
why must he be a teenager who was never taught what the stars are?
gellaho
Wait, are you driving while making out?
Brendan
The Diesel Dothraki over here.
I hate everything about this world.
FancyShark
You know a woman likes you when she yammers about the notches on her bedpost the whole time you're making out
Brendan
How many pages in are we that we don't have a mission or an antagonist?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Maybe she's trying to assure him she knows how to fuck?
gellaho
Did she really want to fuck the old man?
Brendan
She learned from Belcher and Maude that jealousy is the only way to keep a man's interest.
FancyShark
It's a John Jakes book, so the antagonist probably won't show up until the last few pages
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Are they making out in his car that is parked inside a van?!
Brendan
This entire culture drives on trying to maintain and increase property ownership while also piloting an automobile that can't stop long enough to pick stuff up.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy..........push her out the car and go see if that fat girl is available.
GDC
I love how impractical Jakes makes this culture seem.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Bud you cant drive good and play headgames with your girl at the same time.
gellaho
And the 51st state was? Jakes?
Brendan
Do you think the girls are huddled against the wall across the convoy square dance trailer but it's only four feet away from the boys?
FancyShark
Moving on
Brendan
I bet they're whispering to each other with nervous excitement.
"Gear shaft" one says.
"Satan's pitchfork," rebuts the other.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
My money is on Puerto Rico, but it could be a United States of Mexamericanada thing too.
GDC
West Dakota
gellaho
Another Billy's willy update:
Brendan
The contest of what the gash of male is continues.
FancyShark
"He said I was a choice piece of gash. I think he likes me!"
gellaho
He's got the hot dick
Brendan
Turgidly, he erectified.
gellaho
That's the first thing I think of when it comes to erections
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy the Tumescent.
GDC
His loins ignited as a result of his clumsy groping
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Shit, Rose-anne, you didnt have to do that with the lighter."
FancyShark
He better be careful. If his dick gets below 40mph, he'll die
Brendan
Billy's man-oil stained her dress, made of car seat insulating foam.
LyraV
This was the perfect comment to enter on thank you.
Brendan
As all my comments must forever be!
LyraV
Rose Ann better watch out once his lions overheat she'll have to replace the whole radiator.
gellaho
He tricked you good, letting you make out with his girlfriend!
Brendan
All the kids spiking the dance punch with antifreeze
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He'll smell of maple and chemicals for ever tho.
Brendan
How's he gonna drive the Keys at 40mph
gellaho
Plastowood
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
CAR JOUST CAR JOUST CAR JOUST!
FancyShark
"Taking her out in that mother of yours" does not play the way you intended, Jakes
gellaho
Better question is how they drive 90 gigantic vans down the single lane highways
Brendan
"Yeah it was me! I was the creep taking photos of teens engaging in sexual activity! Hahaha, boy, don't you look like a stupid jerk now!"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes this can end in two ways that wont leave me disappointed. Car joust, or two teens shirtlessly knife fighting on top of a van.
FancyShark
Or a Blues Brothers mass pileup
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You can even do car joust chariot style, and have seconds do the driving while the two principals fling exploding javelins at each other.
gellaho
All this attention for me!
FancyShark
Tee-hee!
"I'm so drunk with power right now!"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Oh Billy, all this attention has me gash right lubed."
gellaho
A panty arm-band for luck
FancyShark
"I'm talking about my truss"
GDC
Take my retainer, billy.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Smells of motor oil, gasoline, and the sea.
gellaho
Final boob-grab, and he's off
LyraV
Lee Ramp sounds like a winner or at least a short path leading to the winner.
Just the one, if he went for two he'd never let go.
Brendan
Rose Ann was not like other gash. She was...brilliant. Frustrating. Exciting. Dangerous. Tempting. Teasing. Cruel. Hateful, even. Sadistic in her arousal, and narcissistic in its fulfillment. He knew then this was the gash he would love forevermore at 99mph.
gellaho
Suddenly: Indiana
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Indiana, the worst best place to die in a car duel.
Brendan
Sounds like he just wiped something off on it.
gellaho
Billy checks his special clock
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Little drop of oil mixed with just a bit of semen.
Brendan
Girls can't get pregnant at anything less than 66mph, that's why the speed limit is 65.
gellaho
Panty-madness
FancyShark
It'd be so great if this entire society got pulled over for running a stop sign
Brendan
BACK! IN! TIME!
He's gonna lose because he let a woman make him soft [hard].
FancyShark
Bad time for cardiac arrest
gellaho
Liquorish
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hes found impaled on his steering column, boner fluttering weakly like a dying bird.
gellaho
liquorish
So, like liquor?
Fucking baffling
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Victory tastes like Old Crow.
FancyShark
It's like boozy, but less committed
gellaho
Liquorish licorice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy.........didnt you vow to kill Lee?
Maybe this is a great time to do that.
GDC
In the garden, the mighty garden
Brendan
The Ballad of Dum-Dum Billy
FancyShark
I hope Lee wins the race and Billy congratulates him with knife
gellaho
Bumperknockers
Brendan
Ballad of Billy Spoiler is admitedly a great Link Wray song we never got.
FancyShark
Bumperknockers is the full name of that slang for tits
gellaho
Wobbly in the rear end
FancyShark
Wobbly like his dick in the rear end
Wait, that didn't sound right
gellaho
That's not how gas tanks work
FancyShark
Wisconsin, that state adjacent to Indiana
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes is a writer, not a geographer.
gellaho
I'm also pretty sure that's not how you'd get to Wisconsin from Florida
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe Indiana took over like Illinois and Michigan.
FancyShark
hahaha, Indiana wishes it could take over Illinois
That's right, Indiana. I'm calling you out
gellaho
Banana peel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Anything is possible in the dark mirror of Jakes imagination.
gellaho
Then we'd have even more fake states to get to 52
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I'd assume some of them were in Canada.
gellaho
You know races at 75
gellaho
You know, cruising speed on the interstate
FancyShark
Now Rose is going to sing a song about the Lee Ramp of the Pack
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Billy checks his speedo an awful lot for a grown man with allegedly perfect bladder control
gellaho
Health club van
FancyShark
They get passed by so many semis
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also Billy.........YOU SWORE TO KILL HIM! Did you forget that?
gellaho
If there's anything I know about Billy, he has no control of anything relating to his dick
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You swear road vengeance on a dude and you forgot it, didnt you, Billy?
Brendan
I'll say that every aspect of a car in the '70s made 75mph a lot more terrifying.
No handling, long brakes, heavier vehicle.
shocks etc.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Steel frame, no crumple zones.
gellaho
Might as well be dead, then
GDC
No airbags, seatbelts optional
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You could drive thru a brick wall and the car would be fine. You could sell it right after hosing the driver out.
FancyShark
Nice to know our hero is a gremlin of a man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Well no, he got snagged by a passing bison and we havent heard from him since."
FancyShark
"We found most of him still pinned under the car"
LyraV
What's left of him stopped yeah let's go with that.
gellaho
They can fit a basketball court with a false floor in a vehicle!?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Technically with a lot of him having burnt, he's moving really fast on a molecular level."
FancyShark
Rose Ann must be so thrilled to be property
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy are you going to fucking CRY in a crawlspace because you defeated your rival?
Brendan
He used to be Lee. Now he's List.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Car boys dont feel guilt, Billy.
gellaho
Billy has a formal meeting with the police at half court
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also exploding like that is a sweet way to die.
Lee would be grateful.
Brendan
Technically everything on earth is going about 800mph at all times so I say pull over to the shoulder and make love in a field.
LyraV
In her past life she was Anne Boleyn and now its watered down to this.
gellaho
Gauntlets
FancyShark
"Burly and black, with a young, open face, like a pumpernickel sandwich"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"wet bird eyes."
GIF
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.
gellaho
Special Officer Claymore is your Ice for this evening
FancyShark
Yep, sounds like Rose Ann
LyraV
Better than moist snake eyes I suppose.
FancyShark
"No. I'm Billy THE Spoiler. You're thinking of my Latino cousin."
gellaho
The phrase "The big black" gives me a lot of confidence in the racial sensitivity of "Black in Time"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
They're just widdle guys 🥺
Brendan
Somehow it's worse when it's singular.
LyraV
I feel like this writer just wrote out a list of names first then justified the list by writing this.
gellaho
God forgive me for disowning the license plates of a warrior
FancyShark
That makes too much sense to not be true
Brendan
Billy discovers he is not into BBC (Big, Black Cop) or ENM (Eventually Not Moving 40mph)
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"What is car? How combustion even?"
gellaho
Better than the n-word which Simon has boldly used in multiple books
Brendan
I'm so confused. They have a basketball court on their eight lines of road car>
FancyShark
"Billy, you killed a man. We'd like to recruit you for a mission."
Brendan
I bet if you do a find for me saying confused, it's about 3 hours into every Jakes book.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This book has a really odd idea of what constitutes a street legal vehicle.
gellaho
Twice in Cold Steele and once in Psychodrome where he listed every single slur he could think of
FancyShark
Which they are using to house their improvised courtroom
gellaho
And if you want to hear more, go to https://gellaho.com/audiobooks
Do I say the n-word? Find out today!
FancyShark
Weird sales pitch. Especially because it's working
gellaho
That name is too long
FancyShark
Observed by who? No one stops anywhere
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Goooooood slit this fucking cop from crotch to gizzard and dump him out the back.
gellaho
Billy fingers his panties
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
After like 30 or 40 vans run him over nobody can say it wasnt an accident.
gellaho
Yeah, billiards works well in a moving vehicle
gellaho
Balls just hate rolling
FancyShark
I'm lost. Is Billy a hormonal teenager or a grizzled ex-cop?
Because this feels like backstory for Snake Pliskin
gellaho
The shiny-black finger of judgment
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Tepper is one of those special cops they breed in tanks, they're half beetle.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
hate it when fingers go wag
gellaho
Leafed to the last leaf
FancyShark
What is an "oh-hell" smile? Is that intimidating or jovial?
LyraV
To the Last Leaf Sir!
LyraV
He meant to say 'aw shucks' I think but really biffed it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Goooooooood just kill these nerds and tell all and sundry you never saw them.
Part out the car they came in and toss the transmitter in the ditch.
LyraV
Aw shucks smile is 'hey I'm going to search your car, grope your friend and threaten to plant drugs on you' in Texas State trooper speak.
gellaho
Having successfully covered up their crimes, the old man clucks (?) and the rest fantasize about Billy fucking
FancyShark
You know, reader. STP shave lotions. That smell.
gellaho
John Jakes just inserted an old-timey prospector into this book
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
A little like gasoline, a little like mint juleps, a little like being beaten with your grandfathers belt, but like how it smells.
gellaho
This book is so dense
Every paragraph, every sentence has a baffling word choice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Ambition" is a strange way to spell "boaner", Jakes.
FancyShark
It's incredible
gellaho
The plasto flasks of Kentucky
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Imagining Mose as Gabby Hayes.
FancyShark
Then Billy remembered he was gay and the weight of his actions fell on him
gellaho
In both halves
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay.
FancyShark
Not a bad way to indicate the hero is fucking evil
Brendan
Killed the only man he ever loved to win a woman incapable of loving.
LyraV
Wait really? That is a different way of drinking but alright.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
That sounds ominous but im sure its probably fine.
gellaho
Billy ignores the fiftieth red flag
LyraV
Did they do a sexy dance and feed him shrimp as well?
Brendan
Holy shit he got his finger all the way in her mouth!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Unfortunately it was road shrimp.
Brendan
Er--beggin' your pardon for the language, ladies. I meant top-gash.
LyraV
I'd give points for it at least being a unique compliment.
gellaho
A future dystopia, but everyone also gets paid by the government because John Jakes said, "fuck you!" to making sense
gellaho
Top of the gash to you
Brendan
I stand by my "Jakes visited a small town and despised everyone there" theory.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hurling wrenches doesnt seem like my idea of friendly horseplay.
gellaho
Gotta buy the fuck wagon
FancyShark
Smash cut back to the dessicated remains of the station wagon passengers
gellaho
It's dodge ball training
GDC
It really seems like the government is going out of the way to patronize the mad max cosplayers.
LyraV
Ok look I would legitimately be excited about that part. It does sound pretty sick.
gellaho
Foreshadowing? Who knows!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Every dystopian road warrior has his traditional box of dildos he takes on his honeymoon.
LyraV
Not enough to make up for the groping and objectification mind you but a nice aside.
FancyShark
Nobody's seen Lee because he was engulfed in a fireball
gellaho
Kissing: illegal outside of marriage
Brendan
The Spoilers call them road flares
LyraV
Sincerely hoping he comes back half-tank.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe he made his dex save.
Brendan
CLEATUS
gellaho
Hey, John, you spell hiccup like a goddamned American
Brendan
John Jakes you snooty Yankee
LyraV
You have to say the Reverends full name without laughing before they let you in.
FancyShark
All of this from one chaste dance
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rose-Ann wears her mothers tree shaped air freshener around her neck, thats why she always smells like lilac.
gellaho
Now, I'm no makeout expert (hold your surprise), but I don't think this is how you do it
gellaho
They did dance with their hands between each other's thighs
Which seems more difficult than sexy
FancyShark
The organ peals in Toccata in Fugue in D minor
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its........not NOT how you do it, but also not really a good way TO do it.
FancyShark
More of a whispering a secret in your lover's mouth than a kiss
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Segues into an organ adaptation of a Judas Priest song.
gellaho
Skullpopping punch
gellaho
I would love to know what the fuck John Jakes thinks trap means in this context
FancyShark
Yum. Soggy cake
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes..........we don't care about this part, you know we don't care about this part, skip to the fucking.
gellaho
He's used it multiple times as a musical instrument, and unless he invented trap hip-hop fifty years early I have no idea
FancyShark
Better yet, skip to the Lee Ramp Revenge Fire Zombie
gellaho
A great beverage
Christian rock should really co-opt religio-rock
it's much better
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its more of a soup but soups are technically beverages.
At over 40 alot of things are beverages.
gellaho
Complete freedom forever!
FancyShark
Gunshot
Come on, Jakes
gellaho
Who could have foreseen this
FancyShark
Hell yes
It's not Fire Zombie, but Pirate Motorhead is still solid
gellaho
He keeps showing off how crippled he is, which makes them more intimidated?
FancyShark
lol
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well Billy if you cant finish off the one legged guy you really fucked up.
FancyShark
His big move is to gross out a wedding
Brendan
We are ten years into this book and the only thing that's happened is Billy has raced/murdered two cutout--WAIT HOLD UP ENTER CYBORG NEMESIS
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Billy is literally doing worse than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
gellaho
Like, I don't want to be insensitive, but showing off that you are half blind, have no fingers, and half a hand does not scare me
Brendan
His left leg is shorter because his right leg never stops flooring the gas.
FancyShark
What about if he shows he's not touching you? Does that bug you? Does it? Oh shit, his other hand just fell off
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Does.......does Jakes just also hate the disfigured?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Disfigured is traditional hackwork shorthand for eeeevil
gellaho
He also dropped under 40mph, so he should be:
(A) Dead (like Billy's dad)
(B) Insane (like the people who rescued Billy's dad)
(C) Or exiled
gellaho
Figure out your rules, weird hillbillies
FancyShark
So Lee is the real badass
LyraV
Maybe he limped at 40mph the whole way?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
If he's alone, give him a consolation beer and tell him to fuck off.
gellaho
Don't be offensive! We call them gash
FancyShark
Careful. He might limp at you
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh and everyone has to point and yell "WITNESSSSSSED!"
FancyShark
He came for three hundred miles? Impressive virility
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy.......kick his ass, dont hear him out. You beat him, this is just sour and crispy grapes from a loser.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I feel like we're learning a lot about Jakes that we didn't really want to tonight
gellaho
How dare you say "hug" in these four vans we turned into a basketball court!
gellaho
FancyShark
This still works if you adhere to Brendan's theory that Jakes hates all of these characters
gellaho
Which he absolutely does
Aw, man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy..........he's barely able to walk, he's alone, and in a sea of your kin. His family thinks he's dead, and he's threatening you. You really need to fuckin learn when to actually do things.
FancyShark
Aw man. Now the soggy cake might as well be moist
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I mean you melted him once already, you might as well finish the job.
FancyShark
You are going over 40mph and he has weeping sores and half a skeleton. Just push him off
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or get one of your many relatives to do it.
Surely you have a cousin Ray Bob Spoiler who everyone knows isnt quite right.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I scrolled to the beginning to see if I could make sense of this "never going below 40" or this setting or premise and I'm still stumped.
FancyShark
It's a very inconsistent rule where they can't ever go below 40mph either because it will kill them or it's their religion or it's lame
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also they have a better social safety net than we do, this dystopia is fuckin weird.
gellaho
So, you probably didn't notice. But this book does not have chapters. It has parts
Brendan
Left leg got shorter from power skipping at 40.1
gellaho
We have just reached Part 2
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh yeah, like a car does.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
So it's like Speed mixed with Snowpiercer?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Im gonna be honest, the cover art deserved a better book.
FancyShark
Yes. Not as well thought out, but yes
gellaho
It is page 79, which is not great because it started on page 13
FancyShark
hahahahahahahaha
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jesus.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
lmao
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Still makes no fucking sense. I mean a mass transportation vehicle only needs one driver.
Anyway, probably better I don't try too hard to figure it out.
FancyShark
These books are so dense with madness. I love it
Brendan
Also they go crazy if they slow down. They get Slow Madness.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes must have been one crazy motherfucker.
gellaho
At any rate, until next week when we try to get through the last 95 pages of this book, The Book Cage is in stasis
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
that cover tho.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
We almost did it!
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com !
GDC
This was dense, thank you for this.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Turbo teen getting railed by a phoenix
gellaho
May all of your children be born at 65 mph
LyraV
Beautiful, the claws digging into the skull are a nice touch.
Brendan
Why does Paul Bettany look like the Blue Fairy turned Kermit the Frog into a human?
FancyShark
I will miss next week because of family visiting, but I look forward to reading all your riffs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you are a Turbo Teen and get fucked by a phoenix.
Brendan
We will miss you next week too
Slaughterhouse Five...Dune...and Now...Pontiac teen assault
gellaho
Give your love to Don Punchatz
gellaho
He needs it being born with that last name
Brendan
Thanks for booking, you bookworms!
FancyShark
Thank you too, Brendan!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay I need to know if Don is a real person or someones fake name or what.
FancyShark
Great riffing, everybody!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
OH GODDAM.
Y'all google Don.
This cover for this book is very in keeping with his whole deal.
FancyShark
HOLY SHIT
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like a nude car man being scalped by a giant fiery bird is totally up his alley it seems.
FancyShark
FancyShark
THIS WAS DON
LyraV
Always, I'd hire him to paint a van for sure.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
https://americangallery.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/don-ivan-punchatz-1936-2009/
FancyShark
That means I have actual Don Punchatz art on my wall
FancyShark
Fucking sweet
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahahaha some of these are just so.........what the fuck?
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 98.5 - ON WHEELS Part 2
Had yesterday off, so completely forgot my own schedule. But, running back ON WHEELS tomorrow at 5pm eastern. you know the deal.
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I can't believe Jakes had the balls to give us a naked twunk with Turbo Teen limbs being ratatouilled by a firebird on the cover and then just did nothing with that in the text
Octo
Got to save something for the climax
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Also nobody talk about how his calves bend at a perfect 90 degree angle to fit into the wheels. Just don't even bring it up
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's ON WHEELS Part 2.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
gellaho
Wheels is America
Wheels is America
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
So Walden was a supercomputer, right?
gellaho
America are wheels
gellaho
Marriages usually disintegrate after a month anyway
gellaho
Ah, yes, the shaving tackle fell out of the johnny's medicab onto the plasto. That happens to everyone
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Hate it when half of my pink slop spills across the floor of the johnny
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Whats the world coming to when you cant even keep the spark in your relationship with your death race prize woman?
gellaho
Just what you want before sex: chili, an argument about money and dad talk
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Gotta give that chili time to sit so the lovemaking will be extra Godeky
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cool, I love when my dystopian future novel protagonist becomes a sad caricature of a married boomer, like if Al Bundy was in Death Race 2000.
gellaho
Car bowling
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jesus dude did you not budget for entertainment or something?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
A question that could be aimed at Jakes as much as Billy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How much do TVs cost in the dystopian future, do yall think?
gellaho
Really strange he shied away from writing curse words, but then writes shit repeatedly
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Could you trade one for tires for your war rig?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The real villain of the post-apocalypse: credit
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Oh yeah the guy I beat in a death race and left to die by the side of the road, burned beyond recognition and socially emasculated?"
"That guy?"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I can't get past the fact that they're in some kind of highway-based Snowpiercer like setting while this is going on.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
But still on welfare.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
And yet for all of that Fury Road still did it better
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Just looked at the cover, is this the lost Turbo Teen origin story?
gellaho
The underground beaver network
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Who can't afford a nightie?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
ITs really a very tasteful nature documentary about burrowing aquatic mammals.
That happens to be on after nude wrestling.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Very educational
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Is Billy just watching kink porn in front of his wife?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
The beavers had to relocate to underground waterways after the nuclear war.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
We joke but after AEW went under UBN was all that stood in the way of the McMahon dynasty's complete control over the telecomm networks.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
This reminds me of when I was playing Super Mario Party with one of my friends, and he called Monty Mole a beaver
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I think Rose-Anns complaint is laid bare. Billy cant fuck.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
And like, he does kind of look like one doesn't he
gellaho
Hotter than a overheated ic mill
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This is why you can't treat charisma like your dump stat
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy and Rose-Ann will go on to star in Batpussy.
gellaho
Can't afford a dress? The perfect time to buy a new car and have a kid
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
What the hell does wool sound like
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Sheepish, mostly
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
At least I can say I never got my husband horny and then nagged him for something before I'd put out.
"You're gonna mow the lawn after this, right?"
gellaho
Big Ben Tollbooth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
When you call him by name he waggles his eyebrows and says "Laydees."
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
FUCK YOUUUU, POST-BALTIMORE
AND WECOME TO BIG BEN HELL'S, HOME OF CHALLENGE CAR PISSING
gellaho
Lotion lounging in the dickering booths
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah a pompadour having car salesman.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Who the fuck is paying for engraved calling cards in the fucking post-nuclear wasteland
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Welfare queens.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Who the fuck is accepting payment for engraved cards, even
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Henry Tollman Dickbooth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Taking that government engraving handout.
gellaho
Too duded up
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
On the sliding scale of Cute and Dude, that's a bit too Hasselhoff
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
So am I to understand that this used car seller's parking lot is also, itself, on a giant platform vehicle, or have we jettisoned the whole conceit of the premise by bow
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy wants to buy a sweet death race car with optional harpoon launcher and spiked rims, Rose-Ann wants to buy the war wagon, with included six pack missile launcher and look down-shoot down radar and space for up to six infantry children.
gellaho
It is indeed a moving car showroom
The highest tits in all the land
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
That's almost sweet
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ol' Everestitty Rose-Ann.
gellaho
The most intoxicating dip around
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Tits like the Qinghai-Tibetan plateau she has.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Jakes paints an enlightened portrait of women as he writes about Rose Ann being mesmerized by the concept of hinged car doors
gellaho
Stripper check for the dumbhead
Brendan
I'M SORRY THE CARAVAN HAS A CREDIT BUREAU
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Shouldn't of
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Huh imagine that, you shouldnt deathrace for a woman who you find somewhat distasteful even if shes hot as fuck.
Billy has some out there ideas.
If you dont like your wife just death race for a second one.
Eventually you're bound to find one thats sort of alright.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
That's why you get to know someone before you get married, dipshit.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Still he should have death raced for the chubby girl, she'd be good with money and suck his soul clean out his dick.
Brendan
The last I saw these kids, their Anakin E3 nemesis had spoken now to declare vendetta on their bloodline. Now their nemesis is becoming Jack & Diane.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Nah just roll a new waifu on your next race, it's like Genshin Impact
Brendan
...babe
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
All you gotta do is get lucky once
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Huff those VOCS
Brendan
Billy is only capable of thinking with his car's dick.
gellaho
Future payments seem annoying
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I just looked up the lyrics to that song and man does it say a whole lot of not much.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"A dusty old woman"
Brendan
That's the VH1 promise!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Did Jakes's alimony check come due at this point in the manuscript writing process or something
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I expected Mad Max to have a lot less bureaucracy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Is she dusty or sweaty, Billy, its real hard to be both.
If you are then you just end up a little muddy.
gellaho
It's a strong marriage
Brendan
I can't picture that. How high are her tits?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The People Eater from Gastown was put in charge in this continuity
Brendan
Man, we are suffering a lack of @FancyShark as threatened.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
At least ten Hot Wheels high
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I know, I already feel the crushing lack of validation
gellaho
Best time to learn about your new baby right after your wife flirts with a pompadour
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Dead Sea height.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Is he in charge of reaction emojis?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
He's extremely generous with them
Brendan
The three types of car are mother, crone, and high-tittied maiden.
gellaho
She seems excited
Brendan
Fastest emoji in the west--er, south.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Damn Billy, you didnt get an Xbox, its a baby. Calm down.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Is this the part where Jakes areas from Mad Max and has Rose Ann get run down in the street or something
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I have noticed this.
The rest of us are just fighting to get a quip out.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This is a suspiciously happy scene
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I hope Lee is the real father.
Brendan
"She's gonna be a cruel, small-minded woman who don't need no feminism, like her mother and all of her granddaughters in MAN'S MACHINE WORLD."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shes been fucking his overdone hotdog of a dick the whole time.
gellaho
"Before you ask, it doesn't have anything to do with all the cigarettes I'm breathing into her face"
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I thought of her threatening to go find his crispified corpse. (but yeah he's still alive, isn't he?)
gellaho
"Oh, sure" followed by looking at your clothes is classically how you express excited
Brendan
Is Rose-Padme alive?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Bah what good is a woman who cant produce babies to put in the hamster wheels that power the Gigavans?!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh, no, she'll die in childbirth for cheap pathos. That's how these always go.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
'cause of all the drinking, you see
Brendan
This feels like a Mad Max prequel.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
And her last words will be "it's not even yours..."
Brendan
But not the Mad Max Jakes would have known. Like the much later Fury Road.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Metabarons did this way better, I dont think Billy will be lamenting his useless balloon son anytime soon.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Fuck yeah Metabarons
gellaho
Medically approved sex
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Leave room for Wheeldoc!
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
That's a lot of words to say she's only in it to fuck, doc
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I mean he won her in a deathrace, I dont see how any relationship can really do anything but go downhill after that.
Textbook peaking early.
Deathracing for your partner is best saved for like two or three years in.
Brendan
Why is Billy poor? Isn't he this civilization's shithead Beowulf?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He's pre-Grendel Beowulf I guess, all he has to his name is his car and like 30 burly men.
And a story about how he fucked a mermaid that one time.
Brendan
Billy, your dick game is healthy, but I'm diagnosing you with a severe case of fuckboi.
gellaho
His throat tastes of brown
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I dunno if I'd like hearing my dick game is "satisfactory"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
You should get that looked at, probably
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like oatmeal is "satisfactory"
Also the highways are ten lanes wide and stopping is forbidden, but still have traffic jams?
This really is a dystopia.
Brendan
Spoken like someone who's never used stock to make savory oatmeal and then fucked it while it was still hot.
gellaho
Well, she's fucking the bartender
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Keeping it in the Spoilers.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its always the cousins.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I mean she pretty much broadcast that she likes to fuck around when they first danced.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They know you cant shoot them dead in good conscience cos you're related.
Brendan
Once in a while you work a wedding where the bride cucks the groom, and boy, you hate to see it.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
At the wedding? Yow
Brendan
More often FiBro Dave is just drunk at his own special day and it's like "Lady, five years of this isn't worth financial security."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I endeavour to be the one cucking the groom with the bride.
Brendan
Ah, more in this sort of "It's all about me," way, not so often in a "And who's this groomsman?" way.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I might be a little fat and hairy and insist on wearing a tuxedo printed T-shirt to weddings and sit in the front row with a bottle of Old Crow and grinning, but I start looking like much more of a prospect about the time the manacles snap shut.
gellaho
Things become unpleasant
gellaho
Onto the hospital
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Just now, huh
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Especially when you're marrying a guy named Darryl from Davenport and he has the counties largest bowling ball collection.
Brendan
Spoiler alert: the kid's Nick's.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Aw I wanted it to be the Hotdog Man's.
gellaho
At least things are going well elsewhere
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Road Law says you can leave her tied to the post on the front of your car now.
Brendan
I swear to God, the orbital re-entry velocities of men on dating apps lowering women's standards.
It makes "You must be 6' tall" look quaint.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Right?
Brendan
Anyway, I met my future wife.
Good job I kept all my teeth and don't work in finance.
gellaho
Beware fine weather, beware!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sometimes I think I could cut quite a swath on Tinder just on "Hey look, I can string words together, I'm polite, funny sometimes, I dont have weird opinions, and I have a cat."
Brendan
How does this work, have we abandoned first response?
Brendan
So that was me on OKC in the mid '10s
Now it's all swipes and you'd better have fun pics.
If you could read fast and write jokes, you could get a first date so out of your league.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Read fast yes, write jokes.......not as such.
gellaho
Really would like an explanation for the black blood
Brendan
three-day, non holiday weekend?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also Billy is me yelling at the weather next week.
Brendan
WE DID IT
gellaho
I'm also very confused about why Jakes was so coy about language in the beginning of the book
Brendan
Look, you can't shoot a woman on film, and you can't have her say shitknockers on paper.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
So sex with a werecar causes you to inevitably leak cerebrospinal fluid. That's my notes so far on this book.
gellaho
Overcrowding is the reason for everything, especially when it doesn't make sense
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The Book Code Authority never reads past the first hundred pages, after that it's adult swim
gellaho
We continue the fist measurement system
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
He began to say prayers
aloud
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How many tall men is two fists tho?
Its the conversion that gets you.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
How many punch stains will it take!?
Brendan
"I have terribly good news, Billy. Your dead wife miscarried her cousin's baby." --Some wheeldoc
gellaho
Don't you hate it when your doctor dies in a 33 car pileup?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"This isnt a baby at all, its like a bunch of chili with hotdogs in it."
Brendan
Typical doctor, parking his car in an emergency access zone.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This is an extremely efficient next of kin system for the auto-crazed post apocalypse
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Controlled hysteria? His uterus was moving around his body but in a controlled fashion?
gellaho
Last resort: Disney
Brendan
Every man is allowed 1 hour to get in touch with his feminine side the day his first child is born.
Of course at 45 mph, you won't get to Billings before it wears off.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Five straight sentences dedicated to telling me this man is crazy
gellaho
Dundundun
Brendan
WOAH, dangerous ramp speed, might slip down to 44 on the curve
gellaho
gasp
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
So......maybe going to Disney City to see if OB\GYN Goofy can help isnt a great idea.
Brendan
Disney must be its own emperor-god cult by now.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh my god oh my god is he gonna make his exit?!?!?!?!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Those ramp speeds are just guidelines anyway, Billy.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
He has to sacrifice individual limbs for each MPH he dips
Brendan
Sacrificed his honor for a cheatin' hoebag. Now Shithead Beowulf is Dirtball Samson.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
His own personal Trailer Park Delilah is gonna cut his brakes.
Brendan
I miss FancyShark's jokes.
gellaho
The classic police wigwag
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy had it not occured to you that you'd have to stop to like.......get her into a non moving hospital?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The Feds, that classic apocalypse rival
gellaho
You know how you think of police lights as knives?
Brendan
Billy has astigmatism.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They are like knives yes.
Astigmatism sucks, Billy, but corrective surgery isnt that expensive. Ive been looking into it.
gellaho
Brief update before a word from our sponsors
gellaho
This book is brought to you by the great taste of Kent micronite. Yes, micronite, when you want to pretend you aren't killing yourself, choose micronite!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oooh classy.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
So are they not allowed off the highway?
Aside from the "you'll die if you drop below speed" thing
(I'm making dinner so I miss a lot of Book Cage 😔)
gellaho
The speed limit thing is why
Also, be sure to buy souvenirs. If anyone has to ask how you died, they can just look around at your Kent branded home!
gellaho
"Collectables"
They put the quotes in there for me
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Do they have an ad for a Dale Earnhardt Memorial Plate?
gellaho
The Intimidator was only 19 when this came out
MOISTEN
THOSE
LIIIIIIPS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
No excuse imo.
gellaho
A traffic counselor
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Have you considered, Billy, that you can get a new wife if this one dies, but you can never recover the manhood you would lose by stopping? Not to mention you would never again be able to enjoy our fine automobiles."
Brendan
Billy, General Ford's new Stepford line is made for young guns like YOU.
gellaho
An interesting reversal, threatening the cops with stopping your vehicle
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"If you go fast enough while you roll her out, there wont even be much of a body to clean up. Less than that if you do it in front of a 27-wheeler big rig made by General Ford Motors."
gellaho
Jakes is back to being coy with the language
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man if this takes a turn like Billy stops and the world shatters around him because he broke the sim I will take back all the mean things I said about Jakes.
Brendan
Billy, be honest, what are you losing here?
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
You'll just have to deal with me being immobile and easily-incarcerated, then!
Brendan
The Mean Queen of the Tractor Trash and her cousin's baby.
gellaho
They assume control
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"HES STOPPING! FIRE THE MISSILES!"
gellaho
Jakes continues to be coy
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Glad they clarified, I was worried he somehow had his velocity shifted to negative 15 miles per hour
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Please let there be a twist
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Wait they have fully automatic cars?!
gellaho
If you can figure out what this cop car is doing, congrats
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Like there's no world outside of the highways
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Sounds like minivan doors
gellaho
Jackknifed his butt
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
When the highway patrol boards your souped up death car, the only thing you can do as a free American is make some bacon.
gellaho
Excuse me, "jacknifed"
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
So in this universe, when you resist arrest, policemen initiate a Street Fighter bonus round on your vehicle
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy you utter wuss. Do you not even have a pistol?!
gellaho
There are a couple
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Too bad Rose-Ann is busy dying in the back seat or she could slip a knife into his neck.
gellaho
Add another onto the incomprehensible gun pile for John Jakes
gellaho
At least he's not describing the barrels as "wands" this time
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
ITs fuckin.......pointy?
Like some kind of nerd ass future raygun from the 20s?
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
You caused us so much trouble by doing absolutely fucking nothing to resist our advances, Billy
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Slab-headed?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I hope they murder Billy and he comes back as a car zombie to wreak vengance.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
'At least make it fun, you douche'
gellaho
For his part, gellaho was thirsty
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Oh, that silly old funny gun with hilarious tranquilizer bullets
gellaho
I think the same thing whenever I have to figure out how to play a board game
Brendan
Your car will steer itself until such time as an officer makes an incredibly dangerous high-speed leap into the driver's seat.
gellaho
The verbs verbbed verbily
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
That doubles as Jakes reminding us that rules don't apply to him, too
Brendan
Jackboot kicked in the teeth three times while you scream "AM I BEING DETAINED???!?"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy has a lack of harpoon cannons and onboard grenade launchers for a dystopian road warrior.
Brendan
Billy is scared of cops for the Rebel-Prince of Spoiler Nation.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Not even a funny gun in the glove compartment. Smh
gellaho
It's your guy's fault for thinking this is a dystopia and not a highly regulated monstrosity
Brendan
Name two differences.
gellaho
Paperwork and boredom
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its a dystopia just not a post apocalyptic one, that would make it too exciting for Jakes and he wouldnt get his naps.
gellaho
You big-ass mothersticker!
Brendan
Let her DIE?? Officer, that's the woman I would love if either of us could feel affection!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes the problem with creating your own swears is that if you dont do it with venom in your heart and on your lips, you end up with this "yippe kih yay mister falcon" shit.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
At least motherbumper would have been a viable attempt at a play on words, here
Brendan
The mother is the engine.
gellaho
Really give it in the crotch
Brendan
Therefore the bumper is DAT PIXAR BUTT
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
That cars got an Elastigrill if you get what I'm saying. Wait, that's the front... fuck it nevermind I'm sticking to it
gellaho
I'm pretty sure this car was driving itself, but let's pretend it wasn't
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Battle strategy: kick policeman in knee so hard it hyperextends into his DICK
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This better be the start of the road clans declaring war on the federal government and like a three book epic trilogy and not a typical Jakes ending where it peters off and goes nowhere.
gellaho
On to part three where the lore is made up and the grammar doesn't matter
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
That would be better if it be, and you know it won't
Insightful quote from a Pixar's Cars porn parody there
gellaho
Thoroughly unpleasant
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well now I'm sad.
Not that sad because I dont like children, or either of these characters.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Okay, I'm not sure where the hell we pivoted to fetus flinging
Brendan
Think of it as a mercy. Poor dear was spared Billy's parenting.
And she likely only suffered for 20-30 minutes of her 45-minute life.
gellaho
This is describing some sort of action
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hey bud, did you forget you were mad at her for fucking your cousin?
gellaho
Damn crackers
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
His index finger said that? This just keeps getting weirder
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ritz or saltines?
Ooooh maybe oyster crackers with garlic salt.
gellaho
Glum
gellaho
I'm always glum when a fundamental belief of mine has been disproven
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I mean let's be real "baby Rose Ann" was probably just a clump of cells at this point.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Billy was glum that, despite his best efforts, he somehow did not end up in jail again
gellaho
Billy thought of his fiery death diety. Then he thought of a comfy sweater.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I also wish I had a warm shirt when im drinking hard distilled alcohol.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Oh christ. Don't tell me ramps is supposed to be an in-universe slur
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
No they're another road clan.
Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
Good, I was worried about Cousin Hector there, whoever that is
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy did a death race with Lee Ramp for fuckrights and accidentally set him on fire and left him for dead.
gellaho
Driving gloves and gospelrock
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Jakes wrote this when November was a chilly month.
gellaho
Off to visit the Simpsons
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
If your speedo falls off to 55 mph, brother, that's a Bobsled Team
gellaho
Mentally finger the paper bag of mystery
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes.........cmon.
gellaho
Not his belly bottom!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Billy.......did you just shit your pants?"
"Billy you look like that time cousin Melbert cut the bottom off a can of beer."
gellaho
What a pleasant woman
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Oh that guy I burned to crisp and made outcast so I could fuck you? Yeah I kinda vaguely remember him. Hows his dick doing? I heard it got burned so bad it looks like overdone bacon."
gellaho
The Ramps honor had been affronted because they lost the race? I'm confused
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
CLAN! WAR! CLAN! WAR!
Gas up the battle vans!
gellaho
Big Daddy's got his van paint job all done up
gellaho
Hugest wide boots
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Big Daddy "Vallejofan69" Hardcharger.
gellaho
Are you ready for a really weird simile?
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Engines......is like babies?
OKay...
gellaho
Like baby genitals
Meanwhile, behold the multimillion speedo
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its well known that the hog is the engine of the baby and the engine is the hog of the car.
Ohhhhhhhhh its 50 million miles.
gellaho
John Jakes confuses the semicolon for the comma
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes.......I cant really throw rocks here because I dont know how to use a semicolon properly. However, I do know you dont use it like that.
gellaho
Billy walks carefully to obfuscate his fear boner
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Colonel doing his Dark Knight voice so people dont know he's impressed and intimidated.
gellaho
Multicolored spoiled meat
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Guess Lee didnt learn his lesson from being pan seared the last time.
gellaho
Big deal, you can see thousands of guys like this at Bike Week or Biketoberfest
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Tell us about his fucking belt buckle or admit you are fake, Jakes.
Brendan
This is good.
gellaho
John Jakes decides to throw a stray at Jesus for some reason
gellaho
It's studded with pyramids
Which is how John Jakes understands studs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
yeah his whole belt, but not his buckle, it says nothing about his undoubtedly large and shiny belt buckle.
Brendan
You don't get to call someone out AND pick the field, that's shenanigans.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You cant paint this word picture and have a dude like this not have a belt buckle that would hold in his guts if he were disemboweled by a flightless bird.
Thats a word crime.
gellaho
Yeah, futz seems like the sort of language Big Daddy would use
Brendan
What exactly are they settling that wasn't settled by Lee going Vader?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Honor.
gellaho
Any tension raised is immediately dispelled by the word "snoot"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It's classic hillbilly feudin.
Or you could just like stab him to death here and now because his demands are bullshit, Billy.
Also "snoot" is a fun word.
gellaho
Really, really questioning why Jakes is sometimes coy about using dirty words
gellaho
Not great when you're trying to portray someone as so scary you'd piss yourself
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Yeah its more of a "talking to your dog" word.
I used to have a sheltie and I'd grab her stupid long nose and yell "Snoooooooooot!" and shed bark and run away and come back.
LyraV
Big Daddy does not mess around it seems.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And so now thats really undercut Big Daddy.
I will say this, the road clans have a really sweet death god\vision.
Brendan
Jakes invites the neighbors over for dinner and asks them what they thought of his book.
gellaho
Pissy-ass supers
gellaho
Speaking of pissy-ass supers: Billy's a real pussy
Brendan
I had a religious vision of sex and murder while watching Heavy Metal II.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
HAhahaha Big Daddy is a weird little meth car goblin.
Why is he not the protagonist?
gellaho
The semicolons are back! And a new interloper: thence
LyraV
It ends up like that episode of the Brak Show, everyone singing sea shanties in a word stupor.
Brendan
I hate this world and everyone in it.
That's the most verisimilitude Jakes has given me.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man imagine how every clan has a car based name and someone had to be the Johnsons still.
gellaho
MORE SEMICOLONS! MORE!
SYNTHETIC MEAT!
QUIKBAKE!
GRAAAAAAAVY!
LyraV
Thence it was that Brendan lost his love of language forever.
Brendan
This is the most misanthropic book we've ever read and it's not wrong.
This is Idiocracy minus a POV character.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rose-Ann cant even make an apple pie from scratch, the fat girl could have. You really fucked up, Billy.
gellaho
Begin the ennui of serious writing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Also now I'm going to have a death race where I shall surely perish because of you, and you fucked my cousin."
Brendan
Ah, we've entered the portion of the book where the author begins working out his issues.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Just kinda kills the atmo, hon."
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Kissin' don't last; cookin' do.
Brendan
Rose Ann can never do for him what burning another man alive does.
gellaho
He was happily married for like 70 years, so probably not
Brendan
We don't know that he didn't drag race in the 50s and romance Paula Abdul.
gellaho
He could be MC Skat Kat, you're right
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"happily married" is what you put on your obituary when you havent spoken more than six words to your wife for 20 years, it just means "We didnt SEE any fistfights and all the shootings were non fatal."
gellaho
Don't insult the recently deceased king
Stick it in the exhaust
gellaho
Billy admits he would like to fuck his car
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rose-Ann........you've always been a nasty bitch and could never even BEGIN to compete with the pure love betwixt man and machine.
Brendan
Whom we magically regicided.
The exact instant he became one with the universe, he was cosmically aware and the only people memorializing him were pigpiling his life's work.
gellaho
Jakes are you trying to make me care? I can't, these people all suck and this world makes no sense
Brendan
Rose Ann fades away into the Tom Petty song she was always destined to live.
LyraV
Like there was ever any questions about how Billy feels about his car.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I don't care about any of this! I just want to know if there's anything beyond the highway. Or if maybe they just segregated all the rednecks there.
gellaho
It's been suggested multiple times by other Spoilers. No idea why it hasn't happened
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or maybe, Billy, you just married a woman whos kind of shitty and self centered and doesnt like you having a hobby.
Or maybe you are Al Bundy reincarnated.
In a road based purgatory.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
It didn't seem like she had any interests between raising her tail and starting cockfights.
gellaho
Eat shit, Ferd
Brendan
Playing the Great Game with men's silly little minds was her interest.
How easily these mortals are turned by their pricking desires.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Someone just needs to ruck up in front of Billys place and play Dolly Partons Divorce on loop for like 20 hours at max volume.
gellaho
Goodbying and give-em-helling
LyraV
Jesus guys Ferd has weird feelings too, calm down.
Any of these people calling someone a loser feels a bit glass house.
gellaho
Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
gellaho
Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
Am I having a stroke?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Especially Billy the soon to be divorced and twice cucked. Ferds wife can cook too.
"Billy, you have to stop calling it "a jac", its a fucking jacket, its never going to happen, just admit you bought a size too small. This is why Rose-Ann fucked Cousin Boort."
gellaho
Called up God to kill the cocksucker
Brendan
The Marseilles plays in the background...
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The only prayers God really ever answers.
Just not reliably.
gellaho
Yeah, that's a van paint job for sure
gellaho
Brendan
I AM THE LORD THY GOD. YOU ARE MY FAVORED PEOPLE. I SHALL DELIVER THEE UNTO THE QUIKBRED POTS OF NEW CANAAN, CT.
Big Daddy is a ratfink, confirmed.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy needs to make a jack off and toss motion in return.
gellaho
Bastard'd
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes........you dont have to print stuff like people talk.
I know it seems like what all the cool authors would do but it just makes for a bad read.
Or commit to it and write your whole book like that.
gellaho
The Big Johnson van
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
God imagine if Jakes wrote a book that was so full of Southern\Midwestern accent and slang that it became a second Finnegans Wake.
The Big Johnson Van, selling great novelty T-Shirts.
"You'll always shift gears easily when you have a Big Johnson."
gellaho
Spurted all over his windshield
gellaho
Big Daddy is presenting
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
So if this race is to the death then what the fuck does how fast you go matter?
gellaho
Showboating I guess
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Seems like outpacing the other dude by so much just means you cant run him into a tree.
gellaho
But don't worry about that, Rose is hurt again. And the reason is wilder than you'd think
gellaho
He fucking backed over her on the way out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Big goddam deal? She went to get Lee's Fried Extra Tasty Crispy Hog last night, we're basically divorced after I admitted I wanna kiss and make love to my car."
LyraV
Holy shit.
Brendan
Billy, I know you're driving for your life, but I thought you should know your wife is run over by you.
gellaho
Still alive enough to make a phone call though
Brendan
hahahaha, she's like an unkillable comedy skit
Rose Ann: Green Knight
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Yes."
"I fucking hate you, you piece of shit, I hope you die."
"Put Ferd back on."
gellaho
She admits to fucking up his steering
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"SO YOU FUCKING MURDERED ME?!"
"Jesus we could have worked it out."
gellaho
And admits to seeing Lee
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"I mean I'm in a FUCKING DEATH RACE!"
LyraV
I mean we stuck a fox in there and it's liable to start stealing eggs something fierce, thus disabling your power steering.
gellaho
But not fucking Lee because his dick don't work
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also indicating Lee doesnt eat the pussy.
gellaho
She's low, but not that low
Anyway, she passes out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Low enough to be under the wheels of a car, ba dum tish.
I gotta say, running over your wife like she's an escaped Pomeranian and not noticing is fucked up, Billy.
gellaho
"Also, I had nothing to do with it. She ran herself over!"
LyraV
Yeah it's strange how he didn't remember running someone over until actually told he did so.
gellaho
So, I'm pretty sure they get in and out of the vans via mechanical arms ("grabbers") operated by someone else
But Jakes seems to have forgotten that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
If Jakes cant remember I dont see why we have to.
gellaho
The book mentioned earlier that he thought he heard someone's name while backing out.
I skipped it because I never could have foreseen this
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"OH ARRRRGH BILLY! NOOOOOOO!"
"Huh. Must have been the neighbors cat."
gellaho
Them Duke Boys are at it again
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Did we just drop the whole death race angle?
gellaho
Caromed
LyraV
It sounds delicious.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, that is needlessly specific
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes......do you think just doing this same "I HAVE TO GET MY WIFE TO A HOSPITAL AND MAYBE ALSO STOP AND BREAK THE LAW IN DOING SO!" scene again is really something we need.
I was really into the death race with the weird hillbilly goblin.
gellaho
Time for answers?
gellaho
There are only like five pages left
What? Indeed.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes this should have been the focus of your book, not introduced this late, bud.
You got me horny for a death race and now I have this useless death race boner.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I KNEW IT!
🥳
gellaho
Urbanization. Except, just in the same areas so there's plenty of land, people are just stubbornly staying in cities
gellaho
I guess
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Suburbs? Nah?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Wait so where the fuck is anyone growing food?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Just build out from the city edges?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rooftop agri domes?
LyraV
Sure alright Road Plates, government, phoenix cars. Got it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ooooh did Jakes invent those neat Chinese pig skyscrapers?!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
All that exhaust can't be doing the environment any good
gellaho
These plans make no sense
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
But you motorheads, forget it
gellaho
Wolves, even. Wolves!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Why not just........use eminent domain to reclaim uninhabited land and give land grants..........Jakes what the fuck?
Jakes........Wolves were borderline extinct in North America when you wrote this.
gellaho
The horrible pudding of confusion
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like by all rights this future would be impossible simply because of all the fucking deer running across the ten lane highways.
gellaho
The ten percent of the population that's also very small but also there's too many people
LyraV
They told the deer they had to go 40mph or else.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It's been a while since I saw a complete vision of the future that was this dumb.
gellaho
I usually present one at least bimonthly
DUN
DUN
DUN
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Corporate States of America!
Reading this turned someone into a Sovereign Citizen.
gellaho
You know how the government quietly takes over business. You know how that's a thing that can happen without anyone knowing?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Why does any of this matter, Jakes?
The book is ending.
gellaho
"Yadda Yadda, you get it" - John Jakes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hahahaha and we all know that the government always takes over private businesses when they become too big and important.
gellaho
Swollen all fat
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe he'd listen better if you stopped calling him "Road plate" like its some kind of slur?
gellaho
You're sounding like a real stopper
John Jakes is tired of explaining
gellaho
Yogi the Road Plate
gellaho
Escairt
Brendan
DAWN OF DRAGONARD
gellaho
Uh
gellaho
So I guess that's supposed to be "a-scared"
gellaho
John Jakes had one idea in 1969-1970
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I prefer "escurred"
gellaho
Commas
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lol so 10% of the population is like......at most a large cities worth, and they have all that random ass land.
Like yeah its a Jakarta's worth of people but thats fuckin doable.
gellaho
Wet down his cheeks
gellaho
America is the size of Luxembourg, right?
Brendan
See, @Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺? Rose Ann does have a hobby of being carted in a hot rod to the hospital for plot urgency.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How many tall men wide is Luxembourg?
gellaho
Like 70
Brendan
71, they made a friend.
gellaho
And back to Big Daddy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I still cant get over Billy wearing halfboots.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Wtf happened to her this time?! I was doing the dishes.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like I was pretty sure half boots are ladies boots, my mom has a pair.
Google and Amazon think so too.
gellaho
John Jakes decides to start writing his black metal album
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like im sure Billy slays in his kicky half boots tho.
Brendan
She sabotaged his car and fucked Lee, so he accidentally backed over her and didn't know it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well......tried to fuck Lee, his dick dont work on account of the Baconing.
And he canonically doesnt eat the pussy.
gellaho
John Jakes has a talent for writing white people racistly
gellaho
And I didn't know that was possible
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
GIF
Brendan
In his defense, his tongue is a lump of charcoal.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
That passage seemed to imply she wouldn't have regretted her move if he could fuck.
gellaho
John Jakes makes an allusion to Gatsby with his use of "orgiastic"
gellaho
The green light is a stoplight in this case
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He dont really have lips either, so its a non starter all round, but he could at least get in there and TRY
gellaho
Time for the big ending
gellaho
SEMICOLONS
gellaho
Well, something is happening. Not sure what
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
God it took so long to get to sending one of these stupid fucks to meet the naked big tittied lady cummin on a firebird I forgot there was even a death race.
Brendan
Big Daddy is the one actually annointed by Car God, maybe he's the protagonist.
gellaho
You know, I can't be sure, but I think Big Daddy's car is on fire
gellaho
It's subtle, but it's there
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I think its just the paint job.
Billy is none too bright anyway.
gellaho
It's unfortunate you said that right before his car exploded
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sometimes the Angel of Combustion calls you home.
Brendan
He's just doing a Neo.
gellaho
And now Billy ascends
gellaho
And he's dead
gellaho
The End.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well that was abrupt.
Brendan
hahahaha really?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Was there a lady fucking the firebird? With Rose Ann's face?
gellaho
Vartanig G Vartan
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I guess sometimes stories dont have a satisfying ending, like cunnilingus from a burn victim.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Vart de fook?
gellaho
Wake up screaming!
Brendan
This book was a Greek tragedy for bootleggers.
Dragonard would have landed it, that's all I'm saying.
Rex Moran? All in the plan.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I love the idea that the Nazis could have won World War II like if only things had gone just a bit different.
gellaho
We have defeated ON WHEELS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its total gibberish but its fun.
That cover still fucks.
gellaho
I'm definitely not going to take this out of context
So concludes the 98th Edition of The Book Cage
Brendan
Pluto is welcome to some of our sun energy
gellaho
May all your automobile manufacturers be government-owned
Brendan
Let's Secret History pact this one and bury it next to Fancy Shark.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Thanks, guys, I'm just glad I was right about the twist and that everyone died.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The really sad thing is we never found out why we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway.
gellaho
Just wanted to make sure everyone caught this detail
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I know, I'm incredibly salty about it
Like, they DARED
Brendan
This is the Slaughterhouse Five of roadbilly scifi. The Dune of punknose Keifer Sutherland roles.