98: ON WHEELS John Jakes

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Gotta give that chili time to sit so the lovemaking will be extra Godeky

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cool, I love when my dystopian future novel protagonist becomes a sad caricature of a married boomer, like if Al Bundy was in Death Race 2000.

gellaho

Car bowling

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jesus dude did you not budget for entertainment or something?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

A question that could be aimed at Jakes as much as Billy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

How much do TVs cost in the dystopian future, do yall think?

gellaho

Really strange he shied away from writing curse words, but then writes shit repeatedly

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Could you trade one for tires for your war rig?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

The real villain of the post-apocalypse: credit

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Oh yeah the guy I beat in a death race and left to die by the side of the road, burned beyond recognition and socially emasculated?"

"That guy?"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I can't get past the fact that they're in some kind of highway-based Snowpiercer like setting while this is going on.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

But still on welfare.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

And yet for all of that Fury Road still did it better

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Just looked at the cover, is this the lost Turbo Teen origin story?

gellaho

The underground beaver network

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

GIF

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Who can't afford a nightie?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

ITs really a very tasteful nature documentary about burrowing aquatic mammals.

That happens to be on after nude wrestling.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Very educational

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Is Billy just watching kink porn in front of his wife?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

The beavers had to relocate to underground waterways after the nuclear war.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

We joke but after AEW went under UBN was all that stood in the way of the McMahon dynasty's complete control over the telecomm networks.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

This reminds me of when I was playing Super Mario Party with one of my friends, and he called Monty Mole a beaver

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I think Rose-Anns complaint is laid bare. Billy cant fuck.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

And like, he does kind of look like one doesn't he

gellaho

Hotter than a overheated ic mill

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

This is why you can't treat charisma like your dump stat

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy and Rose-Ann will go on to star in Batpussy.

gellaho

Can't afford a dress? The perfect time to buy a new car and have a kid

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

What the hell does wool sound like

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Sheepish, mostly

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

At least I can say I never got my husband horny and then nagged him for something before I'd put out.

"You're gonna mow the lawn after this, right?"

gellaho

Big Ben Tollbooth

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

When you call him by name he waggles his eyebrows and says "Laydees."

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

FUCK YOUUUU, POST-BALTIMORE

AND WECOME TO BIG BEN HELL'S, HOME OF CHALLENGE CAR PISSING

gellaho

Lotion lounging in the dickering booths

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah a pompadour having car salesman.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Who the fuck is paying for engraved calling cards in the fucking post-nuclear wasteland

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Welfare queens.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Who the fuck is accepting payment for engraved cards, even

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Henry Tollman Dickbooth

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Taking that government engraving handout.

gellaho

Too duded up

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

On the sliding scale of Cute and Dude, that's a bit too Hasselhoff

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

So am I to understand that this used car seller's parking lot is also, itself, on a giant platform vehicle, or have we jettisoned the whole conceit of the premise by bow

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy wants to buy a sweet death race car with optional harpoon launcher and spiked rims, Rose-Ann wants to buy the war wagon, with included six pack missile launcher and look down-shoot down radar and space for up to six infantry children.

gellaho

It is indeed a moving car showroom

The highest tits in all the land

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

That's almost sweet

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ol' Everestitty Rose-Ann.

gellaho

The most intoxicating dip around

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Tits like the Qinghai-Tibetan plateau she has.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Jakes paints an enlightened portrait of women as he writes about Rose Ann being mesmerized by the concept of hinged car doors

gellaho

Stripper check for the dumbhead

Brendan

I'M SORRY THE CARAVAN HAS A CREDIT BUREAU

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Shouldn't of

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Huh imagine that, you shouldnt deathrace for a woman who you find somewhat distasteful even if shes hot as fuck.

Billy has some out there ideas.

If you dont like your wife just death race for a second one.

Eventually you're bound to find one thats sort of alright.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That's why you get to know someone before you get married, dipshit.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Still he should have death raced for the chubby girl, she'd be good with money and suck his soul clean out his dick.

Brendan

The last I saw these kids, their Anakin E3 nemesis had spoken now to declare vendetta on their bloodline. Now their nemesis is becoming Jack & Diane.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Nah just roll a new waifu on your next race, it's like Genshin Impact

Brendan

...babe

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

All you gotta do is get lucky once

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Huff those VOCS

Brendan

Billy is only capable of thinking with his car's dick.

gellaho

Future payments seem annoying

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I just looked up the lyrics to that song and man does it say a whole lot of not much.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

"A dusty old woman"

Brendan

That's the VH1 promise!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Did Jakes's alimony check come due at this point in the manuscript writing process or something

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I expected Mad Max to have a lot less bureaucracy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Is she dusty or sweaty, Billy, its real hard to be both.

If you are then you just end up a little muddy.

gellaho

It's a strong marriage

Brendan

I can't picture that. How high are her tits?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

The People Eater from Gastown was put in charge in this continuity

Brendan

Man, we are suffering a lack of @FancyShark as threatened.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

At least ten Hot Wheels high

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I know, I already feel the crushing lack of validation

gellaho

Best time to learn about your new baby right after your wife flirts with a pompadour

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Dead Sea height.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Is he in charge of reaction emojis?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

He's extremely generous with them

Brendan

The three types of car are mother, crone, and high-tittied maiden.

gellaho

She seems excited

Brendan

Fastest emoji in the west--er, south.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Damn Billy, you didnt get an Xbox, its a baby. Calm down.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Is this the part where Jakes areas from Mad Max and has Rose Ann get run down in the street or something

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I have noticed this.

The rest of us are just fighting to get a quip out.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

This is a suspiciously happy scene

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I hope Lee is the real father.

Brendan

"She's gonna be a cruel, small-minded woman who don't need no feminism, like her mother and all of her granddaughters in MAN'S MACHINE WORLD."

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shes been fucking his overdone hotdog of a dick the whole time.

gellaho

"Before you ask, it doesn't have anything to do with all the cigarettes I'm breathing into her face"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I thought of her threatening to go find his crispified corpse. (but yeah he's still alive, isn't he?)

gellaho

"Oh, sure" followed by looking at your clothes is classically how you express excited

Brendan

Is Rose-Padme alive?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Bah what good is a woman who cant produce babies to put in the hamster wheels that power the Gigavans?!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Oh, no, she'll die in childbirth for cheap pathos. That's how these always go.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

'cause of all the drinking, you see

Brendan

This feels like a Mad Max prequel.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

And her last words will be "it's not even yours..."

Brendan

But not the Mad Max Jakes would have known. Like the much later Fury Road.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Metabarons did this way better, I dont think Billy will be lamenting his useless balloon son anytime soon.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Fuck yeah Metabarons

gellaho

Medically approved sex

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Leave room for Wheeldoc!

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

That's a lot of words to say she's only in it to fuck, doc

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I mean he won her in a deathrace, I dont see how any relationship can really do anything but go downhill after that.

Textbook peaking early.

Deathracing for your partner is best saved for like two or three years in.

Brendan

Why is Billy poor? Isn't he this civilization's shithead Beowulf?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He's pre-Grendel Beowulf I guess, all he has to his name is his car and like 30 burly men.

And a story about how he fucked a mermaid that one time.

Brendan

Billy, your dick game is healthy, but I'm diagnosing you with a severe case of fuckboi.

gellaho

His throat tastes of brown

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I dunno if I'd like hearing my dick game is "satisfactory"

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

You should get that looked at, probably

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Like oatmeal is "satisfactory"

Also the highways are ten lanes wide and stopping is forbidden, but still have traffic jams?

This really is a dystopia.

Brendan

Spoken like someone who's never used stock to make savory oatmeal and then fucked it while it was still hot.

gellaho

Well, she's fucking the bartender

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Keeping it in the Spoilers.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its always the cousins.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I mean she pretty much broadcast that she likes to fuck around when they first danced.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

They know you cant shoot them dead in good conscience cos you're related.

Brendan

Once in a while you work a wedding where the bride cucks the groom, and boy, you hate to see it.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

At the wedding? Yow

Brendan

More often FiBro Dave is just drunk at his own special day and it's like "Lady, five years of this isn't worth financial security."

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I endeavour to be the one cucking the groom with the bride.

Brendan

Ah, more in this sort of "It's all about me," way, not so often in a "And who's this groomsman?" way.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I might be a little fat and hairy and insist on wearing a tuxedo printed T-shirt to weddings and sit in the front row with a bottle of Old Crow and grinning, but I start looking like much more of a prospect about the time the manacles snap shut.

gellaho

Things become unpleasant

gellaho

Onto the hospital

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Just now, huh

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Especially when you're marrying a guy named Darryl from Davenport and he has the counties largest bowling ball collection.

Brendan

Spoiler alert: the kid's Nick's.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Aw I wanted it to be the Hotdog Man's.

gellaho

At least things are going well elsewhere

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Road Law says you can leave her tied to the post on the front of your car now.

Brendan

I swear to God, the orbital re-entry velocities of men on dating apps lowering women's standards.

It makes "You must be 6' tall" look quaint.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Right?

Brendan

Anyway, I met my future wife.

Good job I kept all my teeth and don't work in finance.

gellaho

Beware fine weather, beware!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sometimes I think I could cut quite a swath on Tinder just on "Hey look, I can string words together, I'm polite, funny sometimes, I dont have weird opinions, and I have a cat."

Brendan

How does this work, have we abandoned first response?

Brendan

So that was me on OKC in the mid '10s

Now it's all swipes and you'd better have fun pics.

If you could read fast and write jokes, you could get a first date so out of your league.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Read fast yes, write jokes.......not as such.

gellaho

Really would like an explanation for the black blood

Brendan

three-day, non holiday weekend?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also Billy is me yelling at the weather next week.

Brendan

WE DID IT

gellaho

I'm also very confused about why Jakes was so coy about language in the beginning of the book

Brendan

Look, you can't shoot a woman on film, and you can't have her say shitknockers on paper.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

So sex with a werecar causes you to inevitably leak cerebrospinal fluid. That's my notes so far on this book.

gellaho

Overcrowding is the reason for everything, especially when it doesn't make sense

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

The Book Code Authority never reads past the first hundred pages, after that it's adult swim

gellaho

We continue the fist measurement system

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

He began to say prayers

…

aloud

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

How many tall men is two fists tho?

Its the conversion that gets you.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

How many punch stains will it take!?

Brendan

"I have terribly good news, Billy. Your dead wife miscarried her cousin's baby." --Some wheeldoc

gellaho

Don't you hate it when your doctor dies in a 33 car pileup?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"This isnt a baby at all, its like a bunch of chili with hotdogs in it."

Brendan

Typical doctor, parking his car in an emergency access zone.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

This is an extremely efficient next of kin system for the auto-crazed post apocalypse

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Controlled hysteria? His uterus was moving around his body but in a controlled fashion?

gellaho

Last resort: Disney

Brendan

Every man is allowed 1 hour to get in touch with his feminine side the day his first child is born.

Of course at 45 mph, you won't get to Billings before it wears off.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Five straight sentences dedicated to telling me this man is crazy

gellaho

Dundundun

Brendan

WOAH, dangerous ramp speed, might slip down to 44 on the curve

gellaho

gasp

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

So......maybe going to Disney City to see if OB\GYN Goofy can help isnt a great idea.

Brendan

Disney must be its own emperor-god cult by now.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Oh my god oh my god is he gonna make his exit?!?!?!?!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Those ramp speeds are just guidelines anyway, Billy.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

He has to sacrifice individual limbs for each MPH he dips

Brendan

Sacrificed his honor for a cheatin' hoebag. Now Shithead Beowulf is Dirtball Samson.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

His own personal Trailer Park Delilah is gonna cut his brakes.

Brendan

I miss FancyShark's jokes.

gellaho

The classic police wigwag

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy had it not occured to you that you'd have to stop to like.......get her into a non moving hospital?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

The Feds, that classic apocalypse rival

gellaho

You know how you think of police lights as knives?

Brendan

Billy has astigmatism.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

They are like knives yes.

Astigmatism sucks, Billy, but corrective surgery isnt that expensive. Ive been looking into it.

gellaho

Brief update before a word from our sponsors

gellaho

This book is brought to you by the great taste of Kent micronite. Yes, micronite, when you want to pretend you aren't killing yourself, choose micronite!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oooh classy.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

So are they not allowed off the highway?

Aside from the "you'll die if you drop below speed" thing

(I'm making dinner so I miss a lot of Book Cage 😔)

gellaho

The speed limit thing is why

Also, be sure to buy souvenirs. If anyone has to ask how you died, they can just look around at your Kent branded home!

gellaho

"Collectables"

They put the quotes in there for me

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Do they have an ad for a Dale Earnhardt Memorial Plate?

gellaho

The Intimidator was only 19 when this came out

MOISTEN

THOSE

LIIIIIIPS

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

No excuse imo.

gellaho

A traffic counselor

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Have you considered, Billy, that you can get a new wife if this one dies, but you can never recover the manhood you would lose by stopping? Not to mention you would never again be able to enjoy our fine automobiles."

Brendan

Billy, General Ford's new Stepford line is made for young guns like YOU.

gellaho

An interesting reversal, threatening the cops with stopping your vehicle

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"If you go fast enough while you roll her out, there wont even be much of a body to clean up. Less than that if you do it in front of a 27-wheeler big rig made by General Ford Motors."

gellaho

Jakes is back to being coy with the language

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Man if this takes a turn like Billy stops and the world shatters around him because he broke the sim I will take back all the mean things I said about Jakes.

Brendan

Billy, be honest, what are you losing here?

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

You'll just have to deal with me being immobile and easily-incarcerated, then!

Brendan

The Mean Queen of the Tractor Trash and her cousin's baby.

gellaho

They assume control

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"HES STOPPING! FIRE THE MISSILES!"

gellaho

Jakes continues to be coy

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Glad they clarified, I was worried he somehow had his velocity shifted to negative 15 miles per hour

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Please let there be a twist

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Wait they have fully automatic cars?!

gellaho

If you can figure out what this cop car is doing, congrats

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Like there's no world outside of the highways

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Sounds like minivan doors

gellaho

Jackknifed his butt

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

When the highway patrol boards your souped up death car, the only thing you can do as a free American is make some bacon.

gellaho

Excuse me, "jacknifed"

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

So in this universe, when you resist arrest, policemen initiate a Street Fighter bonus round on your vehicle

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy you utter wuss. Do you not even have a pistol?!

gellaho

There are a couple

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Too bad Rose-Ann is busy dying in the back seat or she could slip a knife into his neck.

gellaho

Add another onto the incomprehensible gun pile for John Jakes

gellaho

At least he's not describing the barrels as "wands" this time

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

ITs fuckin.......pointy?

Like some kind of nerd ass future raygun from the 20s?

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

You caused us so much trouble by doing absolutely fucking nothing to resist our advances, Billy

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Slab-headed?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I hope they murder Billy and he comes back as a car zombie to wreak vengance.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

'At least make it fun, you douche'

gellaho

For his part, gellaho was thirsty

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Oh, that silly old funny gun with hilarious tranquilizer bullets

gellaho

I think the same thing whenever I have to figure out how to play a board game

Brendan

Your car will steer itself until such time as an officer makes an incredibly dangerous high-speed leap into the driver's seat.

gellaho

The verbs verbbed verbily

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

That doubles as Jakes reminding us that rules don't apply to him, too

Brendan

Jackboot kicked in the teeth three times while you scream "AM I BEING DETAINED???!?"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy has a lack of harpoon cannons and onboard grenade launchers for a dystopian road warrior.

Brendan

Billy is scared of cops for the Rebel-Prince of Spoiler Nation.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Not even a funny gun in the glove compartment. Smh

gellaho

It's your guy's fault for thinking this is a dystopia and not a highly regulated monstrosity

Brendan

Name two differences.

gellaho

Paperwork and boredom

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its a dystopia just not a post apocalyptic one, that would make it too exciting for Jakes and he wouldnt get his naps.

gellaho

You big-ass mothersticker!

Brendan

Let her DIE?? Officer, that's the woman I would love if either of us could feel affection!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes the problem with creating your own swears is that if you dont do it with venom in your heart and on your lips, you end up with this "yippe kih yay mister falcon" shit.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

At least motherbumper would have been a viable attempt at a play on words, here

Brendan

The mother is the engine.

gellaho

Really give it in the crotch

Brendan

Therefore the bumper is DAT PIXAR BUTT

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

That cars got an Elastigrill if you get what I'm saying. Wait, that's the front... fuck it nevermind I'm sticking to it

gellaho

I'm pretty sure this car was driving itself, but let's pretend it wasn't

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Battle strategy: kick policeman in knee so hard it hyperextends into his DICK

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This better be the start of the road clans declaring war on the federal government and like a three book epic trilogy and not a typical Jakes ending where it peters off and goes nowhere.

gellaho

On to part three where the lore is made up and the grammar doesn't matter