Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen
That would be better if it be, and you know it won't
Insightful quote from a Pixar's Cars porn parody there
That would be better if it be, and you know it won't
Insightful quote from a Pixar's Cars porn parody there
Thoroughly unpleasant
Well now I'm sad.
Not that sad because I dont like children, or either of these characters.
Okay, I'm not sure where the hell we pivoted to fetus flinging
Think of it as a mercy. Poor dear was spared Billy's parenting.
And she likely only suffered for 20-30 minutes of her 45-minute life.
This is describing some sort of action
Hey bud, did you forget you were mad at her for fucking your cousin?
Damn crackers
His index finger said that? This just keeps getting weirder
Ritz or saltines?
Ooooh maybe oyster crackers with garlic salt.
Glum
I'm always glum when a fundamental belief of mine has been disproven
I mean let's be real "baby Rose Ann" was probably just a clump of cells at this point.
Billy was glum that, despite his best efforts, he somehow did not end up in jail again
Billy thought of his fiery death diety. Then he thought of a comfy sweater.
I also wish I had a warm shirt when im drinking hard distilled alcohol.
Oh christ. Don't tell me ramps is supposed to be an in-universe slur
No they're another road clan.
Good, I was worried about Cousin Hector there, whoever that is
Billy did a death race with Lee Ramp for fuckrights and accidentally set him on fire and left him for dead.
Driving gloves and gospelrock
Hahahaha Jakes wrote this when November was a chilly month.
Off to visit the Simpsons
If your speedo falls off to 55 mph, brother, that's a Bobsled Team
Mentally finger the paper bag of mystery
Jakes.........cmon.
Not his belly bottom!
"Billy.......did you just shit your pants?"
"Billy you look like that time cousin Melbert cut the bottom off a can of beer."
What a pleasant woman
"Oh that guy I burned to crisp and made outcast so I could fuck you? Yeah I kinda vaguely remember him. Hows his dick doing? I heard it got burned so bad it looks like overdone bacon."
The Ramps honor had been affronted because they lost the race? I'm confused
CLAN! WAR! CLAN! WAR!
Gas up the battle vans!
Big Daddy's got his van paint job all done up
Hugest wide boots
Big Daddy "Vallejofan69" Hardcharger.
Are you ready for a really weird simile?
Engines......is like babies?
OKay...
Like baby genitals
Meanwhile, behold the multimillion speedo
Its well known that the hog is the engine of the baby and the engine is the hog of the car.
Ohhhhhhhhh its 50 million miles.
John Jakes confuses the semicolon for the comma
Jakes.......I cant really throw rocks here because I dont know how to use a semicolon properly. However, I do know you dont use it like that.
Billy walks carefully to obfuscate his fear boner
Colonel doing his Dark Knight voice so people dont know he's impressed and intimidated.
Multicolored spoiled meat
Guess Lee didnt learn his lesson from being pan seared the last time.
Big deal, you can see thousands of guys like this at Bike Week or Biketoberfest
Tell us about his fucking belt buckle or admit you are fake, Jakes.
This is good.
John Jakes decides to throw a stray at Jesus for some reason
It's studded with pyramids
Which is how John Jakes understands studs
yeah his whole belt, but not his buckle, it says nothing about his undoubtedly large and shiny belt buckle.
You don't get to call someone out AND pick the field, that's shenanigans.
You cant paint this word picture and have a dude like this not have a belt buckle that would hold in his guts if he were disemboweled by a flightless bird.
Thats a word crime.
Yeah, futz seems like the sort of language Big Daddy would use
What exactly are they settling that wasn't settled by Lee going Vader?
Honor.
Any tension raised is immediately dispelled by the word "snoot"
It's classic hillbilly feudin.
Or you could just like stab him to death here and now because his demands are bullshit, Billy.
Also "snoot" is a fun word.
Really, really questioning why Jakes is sometimes coy about using dirty words
Not great when you're trying to portray someone as so scary you'd piss yourself
Yeah its more of a "talking to your dog" word.
I used to have a sheltie and I'd grab her stupid long nose and yell "Snoooooooooot!" and shed bark and run away and come back.
Big Daddy does not mess around it seems.
And so now thats really undercut Big Daddy.
I will say this, the road clans have a really sweet death god\vision.
Jakes invites the neighbors over for dinner and asks them what they thought of his book.
Pissy-ass supers
Speaking of pissy-ass supers: Billy's a real pussy
I had a religious vision of sex and murder while watching Heavy Metal II.
HAhahaha Big Daddy is a weird little meth car goblin.
Why is he not the protagonist?
The semicolons are back! And a new interloper: thence
It ends up like that episode of the Brak Show, everyone singing sea shanties in a word stupor.
I hate this world and everyone in it.
That's the most verisimilitude Jakes has given me.
Man imagine how every clan has a car based name and someone had to be the Johnsons still.
MORE SEMICOLONS! MORE!
SYNTHETIC MEAT!
QUIKBAKE!
GRAAAAAAAVY!
Thence it was that Brendan lost his love of language forever.
This is the most misanthropic book we've ever read and it's not wrong.
This is Idiocracy minus a POV character.
Rose-Ann cant even make an apple pie from scratch, the fat girl could have. You really fucked up, Billy.
Begin the ennui of serious writing
"Also now I'm going to have a death race where I shall surely perish because of you, and you fucked my cousin."
Ah, we've entered the portion of the book where the author begins working out his issues.
"Just kinda kills the atmo, hon."
Kissin' don't last; cookin' do.
Rose Ann can never do for him what burning another man alive does.
He was happily married for like 70 years, so probably not
We don't know that he didn't drag race in the 50s and romance Paula Abdul.
He could be MC Skat Kat, you're right
"happily married" is what you put on your obituary when you havent spoken more than six words to your wife for 20 years, it just means "We didnt SEE any fistfights and all the shootings were non fatal."
Don't insult the recently deceased king
Stick it in the exhaust
Billy admits he would like to fuck his car
Rose-Ann........you've always been a nasty bitch and could never even BEGIN to compete with the pure love betwixt man and machine.
Whom we magically regicided.
The exact instant he became one with the universe, he was cosmically aware and the only people memorializing him were pigpiling his life's work.
Jakes are you trying to make me care? I can't, these people all suck and this world makes no sense
Rose Ann fades away into the Tom Petty song she was always destined to live.
Like there was ever any questions about how Billy feels about his car.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
I don't care about any of this! I just want to know if there's anything beyond the highway. Or if maybe they just segregated all the rednecks there.
It's been suggested multiple times by other Spoilers. No idea why it hasn't happened
Or maybe, Billy, you just married a woman whos kind of shitty and self centered and doesnt like you having a hobby.
Or maybe you are Al Bundy reincarnated.
In a road based purgatory.
It didn't seem like she had any interests between raising her tail and starting cockfights.
Eat shit, Ferd
Playing the Great Game with men's silly little minds was her interest.
How easily these mortals are turned by their pricking desires.
Someone just needs to ruck up in front of Billys place and play Dolly Partons Divorce on loop for like 20 hours at max volume.
Goodbying and give-em-helling
Jesus guys Ferd has weird feelings too, calm down.
Any of these people calling someone a loser feels a bit glass house.
Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.
Am I having a stroke?
Especially Billy the soon to be divorced and twice cucked. Ferds wife can cook too.
"Billy, you have to stop calling it "a jac", its a fucking jacket, its never going to happen, just admit you bought a size too small. This is why Rose-Ann fucked Cousin Boort."
Called up God to kill the cocksucker
The Marseilles plays in the background...
The only prayers God really ever answers.
Just not reliably.
Yeah, that's a van paint job for sure
I AM THE LORD THY GOD. YOU ARE MY FAVORED PEOPLE. I SHALL DELIVER THEE UNTO THE QUIKBRED POTS OF NEW CANAAN, CT.
Big Daddy is a ratfink, confirmed.
Billy needs to make a jack off and toss motion in return.
Bastard'd
Jakes........you dont have to print stuff like people talk.
I know it seems like what all the cool authors would do but it just makes for a bad read.
Or commit to it and write your whole book like that.
The Big Johnson van
God imagine if Jakes wrote a book that was so full of Southern\Midwestern accent and slang that it became a second Finnegans Wake.
The Big Johnson Van, selling great novelty T-Shirts.
"You'll always shift gears easily when you have a Big Johnson."
Spurted all over his windshield
Big Daddy is presenting
So if this race is to the death then what the fuck does how fast you go matter?
Showboating I guess
Seems like outpacing the other dude by so much just means you cant run him into a tree.
But don't worry about that, Rose is hurt again. And the reason is wilder than you'd think
He fucking backed over her on the way out
"Big goddam deal? She went to get Lee's Fried Extra Tasty Crispy Hog last night, we're basically divorced after I admitted I wanna kiss and make love to my car."
Holy shit.
Billy, I know you're driving for your life, but I thought you should know your wife is run over by you.
Still alive enough to make a phone call though
hahahaha, she's like an unkillable comedy skit
Rose Ann: Green Knight
"Yes."
"I fucking hate you, you piece of shit, I hope you die."
"Put Ferd back on."
She admits to fucking up his steering
"SO YOU FUCKING MURDERED ME?!"
"Jesus we could have worked it out."
And admits to seeing Lee
"I mean I'm in a FUCKING DEATH RACE!"
I mean we stuck a fox in there and it's liable to start stealing eggs something fierce, thus disabling your power steering.
But not fucking Lee because his dick don't work
Also indicating Lee doesnt eat the pussy.
She's low, but not that low
Anyway, she passes out
Low enough to be under the wheels of a car, ba dum tish.
I gotta say, running over your wife like she's an escaped Pomeranian and not noticing is fucked up, Billy.
"Also, I had nothing to do with it. She ran herself over!"
Yeah it's strange how he didn't remember running someone over until actually told he did so.
So, I'm pretty sure they get in and out of the vans via mechanical arms ("grabbers") operated by someone else
But Jakes seems to have forgotten that
If Jakes cant remember I dont see why we have to.
The book mentioned earlier that he thought he heard someone's name while backing out.
I skipped it because I never could have foreseen this
"OH ARRRRGH BILLY! NOOOOOOO!"
"Huh. Must have been the neighbors cat."
Them Duke Boys are at it again
Did we just drop the whole death race angle?
Caromed
It sounds delicious.
Jesus Christ, that is needlessly specific
Jakes......do you think just doing this same "I HAVE TO GET MY WIFE TO A HOSPITAL AND MAYBE ALSO STOP AND BREAK THE LAW IN DOING SO!" scene again is really something we need.
I was really into the death race with the weird hillbilly goblin.
Time for answers?
There are only like five pages left
What? Indeed.
Jakes this should have been the focus of your book, not introduced this late, bud.
You got me horny for a death race and now I have this useless death race boner.
I KNEW IT!
🥳
Urbanization. Except, just in the same areas so there's plenty of land, people are just stubbornly staying in cities
I guess
Suburbs? Nah?
Wait so where the fuck is anyone growing food?
Just build out from the city edges?
Rooftop agri domes?
Sure alright Road Plates, government, phoenix cars. Got it.
Ooooh did Jakes invent those neat Chinese pig skyscrapers?!
All that exhaust can't be doing the environment any good
These plans make no sense
But you motorheads, forget it
Wolves, even. Wolves!
Why not just........use eminent domain to reclaim uninhabited land and give land grants..........Jakes what the fuck?
Jakes........Wolves were borderline extinct in North America when you wrote this.
The horrible pudding of confusion
Like by all rights this future would be impossible simply because of all the fucking deer running across the ten lane highways.
The ten percent of the population that's also very small but also there's too many people
They told the deer they had to go 40mph or else.
It's been a while since I saw a complete vision of the future that was this dumb.
I usually present one at least bimonthly
DUN
DUN
DUN
Corporate States of America!
Reading this turned someone into a Sovereign Citizen.
You know how the government quietly takes over business. You know how that's a thing that can happen without anyone knowing?
Why does any of this matter, Jakes?
The book is ending.
"Yadda Yadda, you get it" - John Jakes
hahahaha and we all know that the government always takes over private businesses when they become too big and important.
Swollen all fat
Maybe he'd listen better if you stopped calling him "Road plate" like its some kind of slur?
You're sounding like a real stopper
John Jakes is tired of explaining
Yogi the Road Plate
Escairt
DAWN OF DRAGONARD
Uh
So I guess that's supposed to be "a-scared"
John Jakes had one idea in 1969-1970
I prefer "escurred"
Commas
Lol so 10% of the population is like......at most a large cities worth, and they have all that random ass land.
Like yeah its a Jakarta's worth of people but thats fuckin doable.
Wet down his cheeks
America is the size of Luxembourg, right?
See, @Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺? Rose Ann does have a hobby of being carted in a hot rod to the hospital for plot urgency.
How many tall men wide is Luxembourg?
Like 70
71, they made a friend.
And back to Big Daddy
I still cant get over Billy wearing halfboots.
Wtf happened to her this time?! I was doing the dishes.
Like I was pretty sure half boots are ladies boots, my mom has a pair.
Google and Amazon think so too.
John Jakes decides to start writing his black metal album
Like im sure Billy slays in his kicky half boots tho.
She sabotaged his car and fucked Lee, so he accidentally backed over her and didn't know it.
Well......tried to fuck Lee, his dick dont work on account of the Baconing.
And he canonically doesnt eat the pussy.
John Jakes has a talent for writing white people racistly
And I didn't know that was possible
GIF
In his defense, his tongue is a lump of charcoal.
That passage seemed to imply she wouldn't have regretted her move if he could fuck.
John Jakes makes an allusion to Gatsby with his use of "orgiastic"
The green light is a stoplight in this case
He dont really have lips either, so its a non starter all round, but he could at least get in there and TRY
Time for the big ending
SEMICOLONS
Well, something is happening. Not sure what
God it took so long to get to sending one of these stupid fucks to meet the naked big tittied lady cummin on a firebird I forgot there was even a death race.
Big Daddy is the one actually annointed by Car God, maybe he's the protagonist.
You know, I can't be sure, but I think Big Daddy's car is on fire
It's subtle, but it's there
I think its just the paint job.
Billy is none too bright anyway.
It's unfortunate you said that right before his car exploded
Sometimes the Angel of Combustion calls you home.
He's just doing a Neo.
And now Billy ascends
And he's dead
The End.
Well that was abrupt.
hahahaha really?
Was there a lady fucking the firebird? With Rose Ann's face?
Vartanig G Vartan
I guess sometimes stories dont have a satisfying ending, like cunnilingus from a burn victim.
Vart de fook?
Wake up screaming!
This book was a Greek tragedy for bootleggers.
Dragonard would have landed it, that's all I'm saying.
Rex Moran? All in the plan.
I love the idea that the Nazis could have won World War II like if only things had gone just a bit different.
We have defeated ON WHEELS
Its total gibberish but its fun.
That cover still fucks.
I'm definitely not going to take this out of context
So concludes the 98th Edition of The Book Cage
Pluto is welcome to some of our sun energy
May all your automobile manufacturers be government-owned
Let's Secret History pact this one and bury it next to Fancy Shark.
Thanks, guys, I'm just glad I was right about the twist and that everyone died.
The really sad thing is we never found out why we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway.
Just wanted to make sure everyone caught this detail
I know, I'm incredibly salty about it
Like, they DARED
This is the Slaughterhouse Five of roadbilly scifi. The Dune of punknose Keifer Sutherland roles.