98: ON WHEELS John Jakes

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

That would be better if it be, and you know it won't

Insightful quote from a Pixar's Cars porn parody there

gellaho

Thoroughly unpleasant

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Well now I'm sad.

Not that sad because I dont like children, or either of these characters.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Okay, I'm not sure where the hell we pivoted to fetus flinging

Brendan

Think of it as a mercy. Poor dear was spared Billy's parenting.

And she likely only suffered for 20-30 minutes of her 45-minute life.

gellaho

This is describing some sort of action

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hey bud, did you forget you were mad at her for fucking your cousin?

gellaho

Damn crackers

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

His index finger said that? This just keeps getting weirder

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ritz or saltines?

Ooooh maybe oyster crackers with garlic salt.

gellaho

Glum

gellaho

I'm always glum when a fundamental belief of mine has been disproven

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I mean let's be real "baby Rose Ann" was probably just a clump of cells at this point.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Billy was glum that, despite his best efforts, he somehow did not end up in jail again

gellaho

Billy thought of his fiery death diety. Then he thought of a comfy sweater.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I also wish I had a warm shirt when im drinking hard distilled alcohol.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Oh christ. Don't tell me ramps is supposed to be an in-universe slur

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

No they're another road clan.

Yakuza Chessmaster Floygen

Good, I was worried about Cousin Hector there, whoever that is

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy did a death race with Lee Ramp for fuckrights and accidentally set him on fire and left him for dead.

gellaho

Driving gloves and gospelrock

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Jakes wrote this when November was a chilly month.

gellaho

Off to visit the Simpsons

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

If your speedo falls off to 55 mph, brother, that's a Bobsled Team

gellaho

Mentally finger the paper bag of mystery

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes.........cmon.

gellaho

Not his belly bottom!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Billy.......did you just shit your pants?"

"Billy you look like that time cousin Melbert cut the bottom off a can of beer."

gellaho

What a pleasant woman

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Oh that guy I burned to crisp and made outcast so I could fuck you? Yeah I kinda vaguely remember him. Hows his dick doing? I heard it got burned so bad it looks like overdone bacon."

gellaho

The Ramps honor had been affronted because they lost the race? I'm confused

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

CLAN! WAR! CLAN! WAR!

Gas up the battle vans!

gellaho

Big Daddy's got his van paint job all done up

gellaho

Hugest wide boots

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Big Daddy "Vallejofan69" Hardcharger.

gellaho

Are you ready for a really weird simile?

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Engines......is like babies?

OKay...

gellaho

Like baby genitals

Meanwhile, behold the multimillion speedo

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its well known that the hog is the engine of the baby and the engine is the hog of the car.

Ohhhhhhhhh its 50 million miles.

gellaho

John Jakes confuses the semicolon for the comma

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes.......I cant really throw rocks here because I dont know how to use a semicolon properly. However, I do know you dont use it like that.

gellaho

Billy walks carefully to obfuscate his fear boner

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Colonel doing his Dark Knight voice so people dont know he's impressed and intimidated.

gellaho

Multicolored spoiled meat

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Guess Lee didnt learn his lesson from being pan seared the last time.

gellaho

Big deal, you can see thousands of guys like this at Bike Week or Biketoberfest

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Tell us about his fucking belt buckle or admit you are fake, Jakes.

Brendan

This is good.

gellaho

John Jakes decides to throw a stray at Jesus for some reason

gellaho

It's studded with pyramids

Which is how John Jakes understands studs

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

yeah his whole belt, but not his buckle, it says nothing about his undoubtedly large and shiny belt buckle.

Brendan

You don't get to call someone out AND pick the field, that's shenanigans.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You cant paint this word picture and have a dude like this not have a belt buckle that would hold in his guts if he were disemboweled by a flightless bird.

Thats a word crime.

gellaho

Yeah, futz seems like the sort of language Big Daddy would use

Brendan

What exactly are they settling that wasn't settled by Lee going Vader?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Honor.

gellaho

Any tension raised is immediately dispelled by the word "snoot"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It's classic hillbilly feudin.

Or you could just like stab him to death here and now because his demands are bullshit, Billy.

Also "snoot" is a fun word.

gellaho

Really, really questioning why Jakes is sometimes coy about using dirty words

gellaho

Not great when you're trying to portray someone as so scary you'd piss yourself

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Yeah its more of a "talking to your dog" word.

I used to have a sheltie and I'd grab her stupid long nose and yell "Snoooooooooot!" and shed bark and run away and come back.

LyraV

Big Daddy does not mess around it seems.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And so now thats really undercut Big Daddy.

I will say this, the road clans have a really sweet death god\vision.

Brendan

Jakes invites the neighbors over for dinner and asks them what they thought of his book.

gellaho

Pissy-ass supers

gellaho

Speaking of pissy-ass supers: Billy's a real pussy

Brendan

I had a religious vision of sex and murder while watching Heavy Metal II.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

HAhahaha Big Daddy is a weird little meth car goblin.

Why is he not the protagonist?

gellaho

The semicolons are back! And a new interloper: thence

LyraV

It ends up like that episode of the Brak Show, everyone singing sea shanties in a word stupor.

Brendan

I hate this world and everyone in it.

That's the most verisimilitude Jakes has given me.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Man imagine how every clan has a car based name and someone had to be the Johnsons still.

gellaho

MORE SEMICOLONS! MORE!

SYNTHETIC MEAT!

QUIKBAKE!

GRAAAAAAAVY!

LyraV

Thence it was that Brendan lost his love of language forever.

Brendan

This is the most misanthropic book we've ever read and it's not wrong.

This is Idiocracy minus a POV character.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Rose-Ann cant even make an apple pie from scratch, the fat girl could have. You really fucked up, Billy.

gellaho

Begin the ennui of serious writing

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Also now I'm going to have a death race where I shall surely perish because of you, and you fucked my cousin."

Brendan

Ah, we've entered the portion of the book where the author begins working out his issues.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Just kinda kills the atmo, hon."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Kissin' don't last; cookin' do.

Brendan

Rose Ann can never do for him what burning another man alive does.

gellaho

He was happily married for like 70 years, so probably not

Brendan

We don't know that he didn't drag race in the 50s and romance Paula Abdul.

gellaho

He could be MC Skat Kat, you're right

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"happily married" is what you put on your obituary when you havent spoken more than six words to your wife for 20 years, it just means "We didnt SEE any fistfights and all the shootings were non fatal."

gellaho

Don't insult the recently deceased king

Stick it in the exhaust

gellaho

Billy admits he would like to fuck his car

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Rose-Ann........you've always been a nasty bitch and could never even BEGIN to compete with the pure love betwixt man and machine.

Brendan

Whom we magically regicided.

The exact instant he became one with the universe, he was cosmically aware and the only people memorializing him were pigpiling his life's work.

gellaho

Jakes are you trying to make me care? I can't, these people all suck and this world makes no sense

Brendan

Rose Ann fades away into the Tom Petty song she was always destined to live.

LyraV

Like there was ever any questions about how Billy feels about his car.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I don't care about any of this! I just want to know if there's anything beyond the highway. Or if maybe they just segregated all the rednecks there.

gellaho

It's been suggested multiple times by other Spoilers. No idea why it hasn't happened

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or maybe, Billy, you just married a woman whos kind of shitty and self centered and doesnt like you having a hobby.

Or maybe you are Al Bundy reincarnated.

In a road based purgatory.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

It didn't seem like she had any interests between raising her tail and starting cockfights.

gellaho

Eat shit, Ferd

Brendan

Playing the Great Game with men's silly little minds was her interest.

How easily these mortals are turned by their pricking desires.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Someone just needs to ruck up in front of Billys place and play Dolly Partons Divorce on loop for like 20 hours at max volume.

gellaho

Goodbying and give-em-helling

LyraV

Jesus guys Ferd has weird feelings too, calm down.

Any of these people calling someone a loser feels a bit glass house.

gellaho

Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.

gellaho

Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.

Plucked the jac where it bound his sweating armpits.

Am I having a stroke?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Especially Billy the soon to be divorced and twice cucked. Ferds wife can cook too.

"Billy, you have to stop calling it "a jac", its a fucking jacket, its never going to happen, just admit you bought a size too small. This is why Rose-Ann fucked Cousin Boort."

gellaho

Called up God to kill the cocksucker

Brendan

The Marseilles plays in the background...

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The only prayers God really ever answers.

Just not reliably.

gellaho

Yeah, that's a van paint job for sure

gellaho

Brendan

I AM THE LORD THY GOD. YOU ARE MY FAVORED PEOPLE. I SHALL DELIVER THEE UNTO THE QUIKBRED POTS OF NEW CANAAN, CT.

Big Daddy is a ratfink, confirmed.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy needs to make a jack off and toss motion in return.

gellaho

Bastard'd

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes........you dont have to print stuff like people talk.

I know it seems like what all the cool authors would do but it just makes for a bad read.

Or commit to it and write your whole book like that.

gellaho

The Big Johnson van

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

God imagine if Jakes wrote a book that was so full of Southern\Midwestern accent and slang that it became a second Finnegans Wake.

The Big Johnson Van, selling great novelty T-Shirts.

"You'll always shift gears easily when you have a Big Johnson."

gellaho

Spurted all over his windshield

gellaho

Big Daddy is presenting

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

So if this race is to the death then what the fuck does how fast you go matter?

gellaho

Showboating I guess

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Seems like outpacing the other dude by so much just means you cant run him into a tree.

gellaho

But don't worry about that, Rose is hurt again. And the reason is wilder than you'd think

gellaho

He fucking backed over her on the way out

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Big goddam deal? She went to get Lee's Fried Extra Tasty Crispy Hog last night, we're basically divorced after I admitted I wanna kiss and make love to my car."

LyraV

Holy shit.

Brendan

Billy, I know you're driving for your life, but I thought you should know your wife is run over by you.

gellaho

Still alive enough to make a phone call though

Brendan

hahahaha, she's like an unkillable comedy skit

Rose Ann: Green Knight

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Yes."

"I fucking hate you, you piece of shit, I hope you die."

"Put Ferd back on."

gellaho

She admits to fucking up his steering

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"SO YOU FUCKING MURDERED ME?!"

"Jesus we could have worked it out."

gellaho

And admits to seeing Lee

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"I mean I'm in a FUCKING DEATH RACE!"

LyraV

I mean we stuck a fox in there and it's liable to start stealing eggs something fierce, thus disabling your power steering.

gellaho

But not fucking Lee because his dick don't work

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also indicating Lee doesnt eat the pussy.

gellaho

She's low, but not that low

Anyway, she passes out

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Low enough to be under the wheels of a car, ba dum tish.

I gotta say, running over your wife like she's an escaped Pomeranian and not noticing is fucked up, Billy.

gellaho

"Also, I had nothing to do with it. She ran herself over!"

LyraV

Yeah it's strange how he didn't remember running someone over until actually told he did so.

gellaho

So, I'm pretty sure they get in and out of the vans via mechanical arms ("grabbers") operated by someone else

But Jakes seems to have forgotten that

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

If Jakes cant remember I dont see why we have to.

gellaho

The book mentioned earlier that he thought he heard someone's name while backing out.

I skipped it because I never could have foreseen this

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"OH ARRRRGH BILLY! NOOOOOOO!"

"Huh. Must have been the neighbors cat."

gellaho

Them Duke Boys are at it again

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Did we just drop the whole death race angle?

gellaho

Caromed

LyraV

It sounds delicious.

gellaho

Jesus Christ, that is needlessly specific

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes......do you think just doing this same "I HAVE TO GET MY WIFE TO A HOSPITAL AND MAYBE ALSO STOP AND BREAK THE LAW IN DOING SO!" scene again is really something we need.

I was really into the death race with the weird hillbilly goblin.

gellaho

Time for answers?

gellaho

There are only like five pages left

What? Indeed.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes this should have been the focus of your book, not introduced this late, bud.

You got me horny for a death race and now I have this useless death race boner.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I KNEW IT!

🥳

gellaho

Urbanization. Except, just in the same areas so there's plenty of land, people are just stubbornly staying in cities

gellaho

I guess

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Suburbs? Nah?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Wait so where the fuck is anyone growing food?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Just build out from the city edges?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Rooftop agri domes?

LyraV

Sure alright Road Plates, government, phoenix cars. Got it.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ooooh did Jakes invent those neat Chinese pig skyscrapers?!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

All that exhaust can't be doing the environment any good

gellaho

These plans make no sense

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

But you motorheads, forget it

gellaho

Wolves, even. Wolves!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Why not just........use eminent domain to reclaim uninhabited land and give land grants..........Jakes what the fuck?

Jakes........Wolves were borderline extinct in North America when you wrote this.

gellaho

The horrible pudding of confusion

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Like by all rights this future would be impossible simply because of all the fucking deer running across the ten lane highways.

gellaho

The ten percent of the population that's also very small but also there's too many people

LyraV

They told the deer they had to go 40mph or else.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It's been a while since I saw a complete vision of the future that was this dumb.

gellaho

I usually present one at least bimonthly

DUN

DUN

DUN

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Corporate States of America!

Reading this turned someone into a Sovereign Citizen.

gellaho

You know how the government quietly takes over business. You know how that's a thing that can happen without anyone knowing?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Why does any of this matter, Jakes?

The book is ending.

gellaho

"Yadda Yadda, you get it" - John Jakes

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

hahahaha and we all know that the government always takes over private businesses when they become too big and important.

gellaho

Swollen all fat

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Maybe he'd listen better if you stopped calling him "Road plate" like its some kind of slur?

gellaho

You're sounding like a real stopper

John Jakes is tired of explaining

gellaho

Yogi the Road Plate

gellaho

Escairt

Brendan

DAWN OF DRAGONARD

gellaho

Uh

gellaho

So I guess that's supposed to be "a-scared"

gellaho

John Jakes had one idea in 1969-1970

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I prefer "escurred"

gellaho

Commas

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lol so 10% of the population is like......at most a large cities worth, and they have all that random ass land.

Like yeah its a Jakarta's worth of people but thats fuckin doable.

gellaho

Wet down his cheeks

gellaho

America is the size of Luxembourg, right?

Brendan

See, @Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺? Rose Ann does have a hobby of being carted in a hot rod to the hospital for plot urgency.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

How many tall men wide is Luxembourg?

gellaho

Like 70

Brendan

71, they made a friend.

gellaho

And back to Big Daddy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I still cant get over Billy wearing halfboots.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Wtf happened to her this time?! I was doing the dishes.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Like I was pretty sure half boots are ladies boots, my mom has a pair.

Google and Amazon think so too.

gellaho

John Jakes decides to start writing his black metal album

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Like im sure Billy slays in his kicky half boots tho.

Brendan

She sabotaged his car and fucked Lee, so he accidentally backed over her and didn't know it.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Well......tried to fuck Lee, his dick dont work on account of the Baconing.

And he canonically doesnt eat the pussy.

gellaho

John Jakes has a talent for writing white people racistly

gellaho

And I didn't know that was possible

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

GIF

Brendan

In his defense, his tongue is a lump of charcoal.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That passage seemed to imply she wouldn't have regretted her move if he could fuck.

gellaho

John Jakes makes an allusion to Gatsby with his use of "orgiastic"

gellaho

The green light is a stoplight in this case

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He dont really have lips either, so its a non starter all round, but he could at least get in there and TRY

gellaho

Time for the big ending

gellaho

SEMICOLONS

gellaho

Well, something is happening. Not sure what

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

God it took so long to get to sending one of these stupid fucks to meet the naked big tittied lady cummin on a firebird I forgot there was even a death race.

Brendan

Big Daddy is the one actually annointed by Car God, maybe he's the protagonist.

gellaho

You know, I can't be sure, but I think Big Daddy's car is on fire

gellaho

It's subtle, but it's there

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I think its just the paint job.

Billy is none too bright anyway.

gellaho

It's unfortunate you said that right before his car exploded

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sometimes the Angel of Combustion calls you home.

Brendan

He's just doing a Neo.

gellaho

And now Billy ascends

gellaho

And he's dead

gellaho

The End.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Well that was abrupt.

Brendan

hahahaha really?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Was there a lady fucking the firebird? With Rose Ann's face?

gellaho

Vartanig G Vartan

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I guess sometimes stories dont have a satisfying ending, like cunnilingus from a burn victim.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Vart de fook?

gellaho

Wake up screaming!

Brendan

This book was a Greek tragedy for bootleggers.

Dragonard would have landed it, that's all I'm saying.

Rex Moran? All in the plan.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I love the idea that the Nazis could have won World War II like if only things had gone just a bit different.

gellaho

We have defeated ON WHEELS

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its total gibberish but its fun.

That cover still fucks.

gellaho

I'm definitely not going to take this out of context

So concludes the 98th Edition of The Book Cage

Brendan

Pluto is welcome to some of our sun energy

gellaho

May all your automobile manufacturers be government-owned

Brendan

Let's Secret History pact this one and bury it next to Fancy Shark.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Thanks, guys, I'm just glad I was right about the twist and that everyone died.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

The really sad thing is we never found out why we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway.

gellaho

Just wanted to make sure everyone caught this detail

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I know, I'm incredibly salty about it

Like, they DARED

Brendan

This is the Slaughterhouse Five of roadbilly scifi. The Dune of punknose Keifer Sutherland roles.