98: ON WHEELS John Jakes

Tags: The Year of Pain
The powerful and prophetic novel of tomorrow's warrior of the highway

Archive

gellaho

liquorish

So, like liquor?

Fucking baffling

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Victory tastes like Old Crow.

FancyShark

It's like boozy, but less committed

gellaho

Liquorish licorice

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy.........didnt you vow to kill Lee?

Maybe this is a great time to do that.

GDC

In the garden, the mighty garden

Brendan

The Ballad of Dum-Dum Billy

FancyShark

I hope Lee wins the race and Billy congratulates him with knife

gellaho

Bumperknockers

Brendan

Ballad of Billy Spoiler is admitedly a great Link Wray song we never got.

FancyShark

Bumperknockers is the full name of that slang for tits

gellaho

Wobbly in the rear end

FancyShark

Wobbly like his dick in the rear end

Wait, that didn't sound right

gellaho

That's not how gas tanks work

FancyShark

Wisconsin, that state adjacent to Indiana

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes is a writer, not a geographer.

gellaho

I'm also pretty sure that's not how you'd get to Wisconsin from Florida

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Maybe Indiana took over like Illinois and Michigan.

FancyShark

hahaha, Indiana wishes it could take over Illinois

That's right, Indiana. I'm calling you out

gellaho

Banana peel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Anything is possible in the dark mirror of Jakes imagination.

gellaho

Then we'd have even more fake states to get to 52

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I'd assume some of them were in Canada.

gellaho

You know races at 75

gellaho

You know, cruising speed on the interstate

FancyShark

Now Rose is going to sing a song about the Lee Ramp of the Pack

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Billy checks his speedo an awful lot for a grown man with allegedly perfect bladder control

gellaho

Health club van

FancyShark

They get passed by so many semis

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also Billy.........YOU SWORE TO KILL HIM! Did you forget that?

gellaho

If there's anything I know about Billy, he has no control of anything relating to his dick

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You swear road vengeance on a dude and you forgot it, didnt you, Billy?

Brendan

I'll say that every aspect of a car in the '70s made 75mph a lot more terrifying.

No handling, long brakes, heavier vehicle.

shocks etc.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Steel frame, no crumple zones.

gellaho

Might as well be dead, then

GDC

No airbags, seatbelts optional

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You could drive thru a brick wall and the car would be fine. You could sell it right after hosing the driver out.

FancyShark

Nice to know our hero is a gremlin of a man

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Well no, he got snagged by a passing bison and we havent heard from him since."

FancyShark

"We found most of him still pinned under the car"

LyraV

What's left of him stopped yeah let's go with that.

gellaho

They can fit a basketball court with a false floor in a vehicle!?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Technically with a lot of him having burnt, he's moving really fast on a molecular level."

FancyShark

Rose Ann must be so thrilled to be property

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy are you going to fucking CRY in a crawlspace because you defeated your rival?

Brendan

He used to be Lee. Now he's List.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Car boys dont feel guilt, Billy.

gellaho

Billy has a formal meeting with the police at half court

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also exploding like that is a sweet way to die.

Lee would be grateful.

Brendan

Technically everything on earth is going about 800mph at all times so I say pull over to the shoulder and make love in a field.

LyraV

In her past life she was Anne Boleyn and now its watered down to this.

gellaho

Gauntlets

FancyShark

"Burly and black, with a young, open face, like a pumpernickel sandwich"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"wet bird eyes."

GIF

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.

gellaho

Special Officer Claymore is your Ice for this evening

FancyShark

Yep, sounds like Rose Ann

LyraV

Better than moist snake eyes I suppose.

FancyShark

"No. I'm Billy THE Spoiler. You're thinking of my Latino cousin."

gellaho

The phrase "The big black" gives me a lot of confidence in the racial sensitivity of "Black in Time"

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

They're just widdle guys 🥺

Brendan

Somehow it's worse when it's singular.

LyraV

I feel like this writer just wrote out a list of names first then justified the list by writing this.

gellaho

God forgive me for disowning the license plates of a warrior

FancyShark

That makes too much sense to not be true

Brendan

Billy discovers he is not into BBC (Big, Black Cop) or ENM (Eventually Not Moving 40mph)

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"What is car? How combustion even?"

gellaho

Better than the n-word which Simon has boldly used in multiple books

Brendan

I'm so confused. They have a basketball court on their eight lines of road car>

FancyShark

"Billy, you killed a man. We'd like to recruit you for a mission."

Brendan

I bet if you do a find for me saying confused, it's about 3 hours into every Jakes book.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This book has a really odd idea of what constitutes a street legal vehicle.

gellaho

Twice in Cold Steele and once in Psychodrome where he listed every single slur he could think of

FancyShark

Which they are using to house their improvised courtroom

gellaho

And if you want to hear more, go to https://gellaho.com/audiobooks

Do I say the n-word? Find out today!

FancyShark

Weird sales pitch. Especially because it's working

gellaho

That name is too long

FancyShark

Observed by who? No one stops anywhere

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Goooooood slit this fucking cop from crotch to gizzard and dump him out the back.

gellaho

Billy fingers his panties

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

After like 30 or 40 vans run him over nobody can say it wasnt an accident.

gellaho

Yeah, billiards works well in a moving vehicle

gellaho

Balls just hate rolling

FancyShark

I'm lost. Is Billy a hormonal teenager or a grizzled ex-cop?

Because this feels like backstory for Snake Pliskin

gellaho

The shiny-black finger of judgment

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Tepper is one of those special cops they breed in tanks, they're half beetle.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

hate it when fingers go wag

gellaho

Leafed to the last leaf

FancyShark

What is an "oh-hell" smile? Is that intimidating or jovial?

LyraV

To the Last Leaf Sir!

LyraV

He meant to say 'aw shucks' I think but really biffed it.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Goooooooood just kill these nerds and tell all and sundry you never saw them.

Part out the car they came in and toss the transmitter in the ditch.

LyraV

Aw shucks smile is 'hey I'm going to search your car, grope your friend and threaten to plant drugs on you' in Texas State trooper speak.

gellaho

Having successfully covered up their crimes, the old man clucks (?) and the rest fantasize about Billy fucking

FancyShark

You know, reader. STP shave lotions. That smell.

gellaho

John Jakes just inserted an old-timey prospector into this book

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

A little like gasoline, a little like mint juleps, a little like being beaten with your grandfathers belt, but like how it smells.

gellaho

This book is so dense

Every paragraph, every sentence has a baffling word choice

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Ambition" is a strange way to spell "boaner", Jakes.

FancyShark

It's incredible

gellaho

The plasto flasks of Kentucky

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Imagining Mose as Gabby Hayes.

FancyShark

Then Billy remembered he was gay and the weight of his actions fell on him

gellaho

In both halves

gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Okay.

FancyShark

Not a bad way to indicate the hero is fucking evil

Brendan

Killed the only man he ever loved to win a woman incapable of loving.

LyraV

Wait really? That is a different way of drinking but alright.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

That sounds ominous but im sure its probably fine.

gellaho

Billy ignores the fiftieth red flag

LyraV

Did they do a sexy dance and feed him shrimp as well?

Brendan

Holy shit he got his finger all the way in her mouth!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Unfortunately it was road shrimp.

Brendan

Er--beggin' your pardon for the language, ladies. I meant top-gash.

LyraV

I'd give points for it at least being a unique compliment.

gellaho

A future dystopia, but everyone also gets paid by the government because John Jakes said, "fuck you!" to making sense

gellaho

Top of the gash to you

Brendan

I stand by my "Jakes visited a small town and despised everyone there" theory.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hurling wrenches doesnt seem like my idea of friendly horseplay.

gellaho

Gotta buy the fuck wagon

FancyShark

Smash cut back to the dessicated remains of the station wagon passengers

gellaho

It's dodge ball training

GDC

It really seems like the government is going out of the way to patronize the mad max cosplayers.

LyraV

Ok look I would legitimately be excited about that part. It does sound pretty sick.

gellaho

Foreshadowing? Who knows!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Every dystopian road warrior has his traditional box of dildos he takes on his honeymoon.

LyraV

Not enough to make up for the groping and objectification mind you but a nice aside.

FancyShark

Nobody's seen Lee because he was engulfed in a fireball

gellaho

Kissing: illegal outside of marriage

Brendan

The Spoilers call them road flares

LyraV

Sincerely hoping he comes back half-tank.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Maybe he made his dex save.

Brendan

CLEATUS

gellaho

Hey, John, you spell hiccup like a goddamned American

Brendan

John Jakes you snooty Yankee

LyraV

You have to say the Reverends full name without laughing before they let you in.

FancyShark

All of this from one chaste dance

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Rose-Ann wears her mothers tree shaped air freshener around her neck, thats why she always smells like lilac.

gellaho

Now, I'm no makeout expert (hold your surprise), but I don't think this is how you do it

gellaho

They did dance with their hands between each other's thighs

Which seems more difficult than sexy

FancyShark

The organ peals in Toccata in Fugue in D minor

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its........not NOT how you do it, but also not really a good way TO do it.

FancyShark

More of a whispering a secret in your lover's mouth than a kiss

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Segues into an organ adaptation of a Judas Priest song.

gellaho

Skullpopping punch

gellaho

I would love to know what the fuck John Jakes thinks trap means in this context

FancyShark

Yum. Soggy cake

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes..........we don't care about this part, you know we don't care about this part, skip to the fucking.

gellaho

He's used it multiple times as a musical instrument, and unless he invented trap hip-hop fifty years early I have no idea

FancyShark

Better yet, skip to the Lee Ramp Revenge Fire Zombie

gellaho

A great beverage

Christian rock should really co-opt religio-rock

it's much better

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its more of a soup but soups are technically beverages.

At over 40 alot of things are beverages.

gellaho

Complete freedom forever!

FancyShark

Gunshot

Come on, Jakes

gellaho

Who could have foreseen this

FancyShark

Hell yes

It's not Fire Zombie, but Pirate Motorhead is still solid

gellaho

He keeps showing off how crippled he is, which makes them more intimidated?

FancyShark

lol

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Well Billy if you cant finish off the one legged guy you really fucked up.

FancyShark

His big move is to gross out a wedding

Brendan

We are ten years into this book and the only thing that's happened is Billy has raced/murdered two cutout--WAIT HOLD UP ENTER CYBORG NEMESIS

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Billy is literally doing worse than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

gellaho

Like, I don't want to be insensitive, but showing off that you are half blind, have no fingers, and half a hand does not scare me

Brendan

His left leg is shorter because his right leg never stops flooring the gas.

FancyShark

What about if he shows he's not touching you? Does that bug you? Does it? Oh shit, his other hand just fell off

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Does.......does Jakes just also hate the disfigured?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Disfigured is traditional hackwork shorthand for eeeevil

gellaho

He also dropped under 40mph, so he should be:

(A) Dead (like Billy's dad)

(B) Insane (like the people who rescued Billy's dad)

(C) Or exiled

gellaho

Figure out your rules, weird hillbillies

FancyShark

So Lee is the real badass

LyraV

Maybe he limped at 40mph the whole way?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

If he's alone, give him a consolation beer and tell him to fuck off.

gellaho

Don't be offensive! We call them gash

FancyShark

Careful. He might limp at you

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh and everyone has to point and yell "WITNESSSSSSED!"

FancyShark

He came for three hundred miles? Impressive virility

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy.......kick his ass, dont hear him out. You beat him, this is just sour and crispy grapes from a loser.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I feel like we're learning a lot about Jakes that we didn't really want to tonight

gellaho

How dare you say "hug" in these four vans we turned into a basketball court!

gellaho
FancyShark

This still works if you adhere to Brendan's theory that Jakes hates all of these characters

gellaho

Which he absolutely does

Aw, man

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy..........he's barely able to walk, he's alone, and in a sea of your kin. His family thinks he's dead, and he's threatening you. You really need to fuckin learn when to actually do things.

FancyShark

Aw man. Now the soggy cake might as well be moist

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I mean you melted him once already, you might as well finish the job.

FancyShark

You are going over 40mph and he has weeping sores and half a skeleton. Just push him off

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or get one of your many relatives to do it.

Surely you have a cousin Ray Bob Spoiler who everyone knows isnt quite right.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I scrolled to the beginning to see if I could make sense of this "never going below 40" or this setting or premise and I'm still stumped.

FancyShark

It's a very inconsistent rule where they can't ever go below 40mph either because it will kill them or it's their religion or it's lame

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also they have a better social safety net than we do, this dystopia is fuckin weird.

gellaho

So, you probably didn't notice. But this book does not have chapters. It has parts

Brendan

Left leg got shorter from power skipping at 40.1

gellaho

We have just reached Part 2

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah, like a car does.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

So it's like Speed mixed with Snowpiercer?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Im gonna be honest, the cover art deserved a better book.

FancyShark

Yes. Not as well thought out, but yes

gellaho

It is page 79, which is not great because it started on page 13

FancyShark

hahahahahahahaha

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jesus.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

lmao

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Still makes no fucking sense. I mean a mass transportation vehicle only needs one driver.

Anyway, probably better I don't try too hard to figure it out.

FancyShark

These books are so dense with madness. I love it

Brendan

Also they go crazy if they slow down. They get Slow Madness.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes must have been one crazy motherfucker.

gellaho

At any rate, until next week when we try to get through the last 95 pages of this book, The Book Cage is in stasis

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

GIF

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

that cover tho.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

We almost did it!

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com !

GDC

This was dense, thank you for this.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Turbo teen getting railed by a phoenix

gellaho

May all of your children be born at 65 mph

LyraV

Beautiful, the claws digging into the skull are a nice touch.

Brendan

Why does Paul Bettany look like the Blue Fairy turned Kermit the Frog into a human?

FancyShark

I will miss next week because of family visiting, but I look forward to reading all your riffs

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This is what happens when you are a Turbo Teen and get fucked by a phoenix.

Brendan

We will miss you next week too

Slaughterhouse Five...Dune...and Now...Pontiac teen assault

gellaho

Give your love to Don Punchatz

gellaho

He needs it being born with that last name

Brendan

Thanks for booking, you bookworms!

FancyShark

Thank you too, Brendan!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Okay I need to know if Don is a real person or someones fake name or what.

FancyShark

Great riffing, everybody!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

OH GODDAM.

Y'all google Don.

This cover for this book is very in keeping with his whole deal.

FancyShark

HOLY SHIT

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Like a nude car man being scalped by a giant fiery bird is totally up his alley it seems.

FancyShark
FancyShark

THIS WAS DON

LyraV

Always, I'd hire him to paint a van for sure.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

https://americangallery.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/don-ivan-punchatz-1936-2009/

FancyShark

That means I have actual Don Punchatz art on my wall

FancyShark

Fucking sweet

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahahaha some of these are just so.........what the fuck?

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 98.5 - ON WHEELS Part 2

Had yesterday off, so completely forgot my own schedule. But, running back ON WHEELS tomorrow at 5pm eastern. you know the deal.

gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I can't believe Jakes had the balls to give us a naked twunk with Turbo Teen limbs being ratatouilled by a firebird on the cover and then just did nothing with that in the text

Octo

Got to save something for the climax

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Also nobody talk about how his calves bend at a perfect 90 degree angle to fit into the wheels. Just don't even bring it up

gellaho

Coming up on the top of the hour, it's ON WHEELS Part 2.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

GIF

gellaho

Wheels is America

Wheels is America

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

So Walden was a supercomputer, right?

gellaho

America are wheels

gellaho

Marriages usually disintegrate after a month anyway

gellaho

Ah, yes, the shaving tackle fell out of the johnny's medicab onto the plasto. That happens to everyone

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Hate it when half of my pink slop spills across the floor of the johnny

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Whats the world coming to when you cant even keep the spark in your relationship with your death race prize woman?

gellaho

Just what you want before sex: chili, an argument about money and dad talk