gellaho
liquorish
So, like liquor?
Fucking baffling
98: ON WHEELS John Jakes
Tags:
The Year of Pain
The powerful and prophetic novel of tomorrow's warrior of the highway
Archive
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Victory tastes like Old Crow.
FancyShark
It's like boozy, but less committed
gellaho
Liquorish licorice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy.........didnt you vow to kill Lee?
Maybe this is a great time to do that.
GDC
In the garden, the mighty garden
Brendan
The Ballad of Dum-Dum Billy
FancyShark
I hope Lee wins the race and Billy congratulates him with knife
gellaho
Bumperknockers
Brendan
Ballad of Billy Spoiler is admitedly a great Link Wray song we never got.
FancyShark
Bumperknockers is the full name of that slang for tits
gellaho
Wobbly in the rear end
FancyShark
Wobbly like his dick in the rear end
Wait, that didn't sound right
gellaho
That's not how gas tanks work
FancyShark
Wisconsin, that state adjacent to Indiana
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes is a writer, not a geographer.
gellaho
I'm also pretty sure that's not how you'd get to Wisconsin from Florida
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe Indiana took over like Illinois and Michigan.
FancyShark
hahaha, Indiana wishes it could take over Illinois
That's right, Indiana. I'm calling you out
gellaho
Banana peel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Anything is possible in the dark mirror of Jakes imagination.
gellaho
Then we'd have even more fake states to get to 52
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I'd assume some of them were in Canada.
gellaho
You know races at 75
gellaho
You know, cruising speed on the interstate
FancyShark
Now Rose is going to sing a song about the Lee Ramp of the Pack
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Billy checks his speedo an awful lot for a grown man with allegedly perfect bladder control
gellaho
Health club van
FancyShark
They get passed by so many semis
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also Billy.........YOU SWORE TO KILL HIM! Did you forget that?
gellaho
If there's anything I know about Billy, he has no control of anything relating to his dick
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You swear road vengeance on a dude and you forgot it, didnt you, Billy?
Brendan
I'll say that every aspect of a car in the '70s made 75mph a lot more terrifying.
No handling, long brakes, heavier vehicle.
shocks etc.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Steel frame, no crumple zones.
gellaho
Might as well be dead, then
GDC
No airbags, seatbelts optional
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You could drive thru a brick wall and the car would be fine. You could sell it right after hosing the driver out.
FancyShark
Nice to know our hero is a gremlin of a man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Well no, he got snagged by a passing bison and we havent heard from him since."
FancyShark
"We found most of him still pinned under the car"
LyraV
What's left of him stopped yeah let's go with that.
gellaho
They can fit a basketball court with a false floor in a vehicle!?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Technically with a lot of him having burnt, he's moving really fast on a molecular level."
FancyShark
Rose Ann must be so thrilled to be property
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy are you going to fucking CRY in a crawlspace because you defeated your rival?
Brendan
He used to be Lee. Now he's List.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Car boys dont feel guilt, Billy.
gellaho
Billy has a formal meeting with the police at half court
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also exploding like that is a sweet way to die.
Lee would be grateful.
Brendan
Technically everything on earth is going about 800mph at all times so I say pull over to the shoulder and make love in a field.
LyraV
In her past life she was Anne Boleyn and now its watered down to this.
gellaho
Gauntlets
FancyShark
"Burly and black, with a young, open face, like a pumpernickel sandwich"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"wet bird eyes."
GIF
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.
gellaho
Special Officer Claymore is your Ice for this evening
FancyShark
Yep, sounds like Rose Ann
LyraV
Better than moist snake eyes I suppose.
FancyShark
"No. I'm Billy THE Spoiler. You're thinking of my Latino cousin."
gellaho
The phrase "The big black" gives me a lot of confidence in the racial sensitivity of "Black in Time"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
They're just widdle guys 🥺
Brendan
Somehow it's worse when it's singular.
LyraV
I feel like this writer just wrote out a list of names first then justified the list by writing this.
gellaho
God forgive me for disowning the license plates of a warrior
FancyShark
That makes too much sense to not be true
Brendan
Billy discovers he is not into BBC (Big, Black Cop) or ENM (Eventually Not Moving 40mph)
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"What is car? How combustion even?"
gellaho
Better than the n-word which Simon has boldly used in multiple books
Brendan
I'm so confused. They have a basketball court on their eight lines of road car>
FancyShark
"Billy, you killed a man. We'd like to recruit you for a mission."
Brendan
I bet if you do a find for me saying confused, it's about 3 hours into every Jakes book.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This book has a really odd idea of what constitutes a street legal vehicle.
gellaho
Twice in Cold Steele and once in Psychodrome where he listed every single slur he could think of
FancyShark
Which they are using to house their improvised courtroom
gellaho
And if you want to hear more, go to https://gellaho.com/audiobooks
Do I say the n-word? Find out today!
FancyShark
Weird sales pitch. Especially because it's working
gellaho
That name is too long
FancyShark
Observed by who? No one stops anywhere
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Goooooood slit this fucking cop from crotch to gizzard and dump him out the back.
gellaho
Billy fingers his panties
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
After like 30 or 40 vans run him over nobody can say it wasnt an accident.
gellaho
Yeah, billiards works well in a moving vehicle
gellaho
Balls just hate rolling
FancyShark
I'm lost. Is Billy a hormonal teenager or a grizzled ex-cop?
Because this feels like backstory for Snake Pliskin
gellaho
The shiny-black finger of judgment
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Tepper is one of those special cops they breed in tanks, they're half beetle.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
hate it when fingers go wag
gellaho
Leafed to the last leaf
FancyShark
What is an "oh-hell" smile? Is that intimidating or jovial?
LyraV
To the Last Leaf Sir!
LyraV
He meant to say 'aw shucks' I think but really biffed it.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Goooooooood just kill these nerds and tell all and sundry you never saw them.
Part out the car they came in and toss the transmitter in the ditch.
LyraV
Aw shucks smile is 'hey I'm going to search your car, grope your friend and threaten to plant drugs on you' in Texas State trooper speak.
gellaho
Having successfully covered up their crimes, the old man clucks (?) and the rest fantasize about Billy fucking
FancyShark
You know, reader. STP shave lotions. That smell.
gellaho
John Jakes just inserted an old-timey prospector into this book
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
A little like gasoline, a little like mint juleps, a little like being beaten with your grandfathers belt, but like how it smells.
gellaho
This book is so dense
Every paragraph, every sentence has a baffling word choice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Ambition" is a strange way to spell "boaner", Jakes.
FancyShark
It's incredible
gellaho
The plasto flasks of Kentucky
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Imagining Mose as Gabby Hayes.
FancyShark
Then Billy remembered he was gay and the weight of his actions fell on him
gellaho
In both halves
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay.
FancyShark
Not a bad way to indicate the hero is fucking evil
Brendan
Killed the only man he ever loved to win a woman incapable of loving.
LyraV
Wait really? That is a different way of drinking but alright.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
That sounds ominous but im sure its probably fine.
gellaho
Billy ignores the fiftieth red flag
LyraV
Did they do a sexy dance and feed him shrimp as well?
Brendan
Holy shit he got his finger all the way in her mouth!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Unfortunately it was road shrimp.
Brendan
Er--beggin' your pardon for the language, ladies. I meant top-gash.
LyraV
I'd give points for it at least being a unique compliment.
gellaho
A future dystopia, but everyone also gets paid by the government because John Jakes said, "fuck you!" to making sense
gellaho
Top of the gash to you
Brendan
I stand by my "Jakes visited a small town and despised everyone there" theory.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hurling wrenches doesnt seem like my idea of friendly horseplay.
gellaho
Gotta buy the fuck wagon
FancyShark
Smash cut back to the dessicated remains of the station wagon passengers
gellaho
It's dodge ball training
GDC
It really seems like the government is going out of the way to patronize the mad max cosplayers.
LyraV
Ok look I would legitimately be excited about that part. It does sound pretty sick.
gellaho
Foreshadowing? Who knows!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Every dystopian road warrior has his traditional box of dildos he takes on his honeymoon.
LyraV
Not enough to make up for the groping and objectification mind you but a nice aside.
FancyShark
Nobody's seen Lee because he was engulfed in a fireball
gellaho
Kissing: illegal outside of marriage
Brendan
The Spoilers call them road flares
LyraV
Sincerely hoping he comes back half-tank.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe he made his dex save.
Brendan
CLEATUS
gellaho
Hey, John, you spell hiccup like a goddamned American
Brendan
John Jakes you snooty Yankee
LyraV
You have to say the Reverends full name without laughing before they let you in.
FancyShark
All of this from one chaste dance
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rose-Ann wears her mothers tree shaped air freshener around her neck, thats why she always smells like lilac.
gellaho
Now, I'm no makeout expert (hold your surprise), but I don't think this is how you do it
gellaho
They did dance with their hands between each other's thighs
Which seems more difficult than sexy
FancyShark
The organ peals in Toccata in Fugue in D minor
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its........not NOT how you do it, but also not really a good way TO do it.
FancyShark
More of a whispering a secret in your lover's mouth than a kiss
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Segues into an organ adaptation of a Judas Priest song.
gellaho
Skullpopping punch
gellaho
I would love to know what the fuck John Jakes thinks trap means in this context
FancyShark
Yum. Soggy cake
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes..........we don't care about this part, you know we don't care about this part, skip to the fucking.
gellaho
He's used it multiple times as a musical instrument, and unless he invented trap hip-hop fifty years early I have no idea
FancyShark
Better yet, skip to the Lee Ramp Revenge Fire Zombie
gellaho
A great beverage
Christian rock should really co-opt religio-rock
it's much better
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its more of a soup but soups are technically beverages.
At over 40 alot of things are beverages.
gellaho
Complete freedom forever!
FancyShark
Gunshot
Come on, Jakes
gellaho
Who could have foreseen this
FancyShark
Hell yes
It's not Fire Zombie, but Pirate Motorhead is still solid
gellaho
He keeps showing off how crippled he is, which makes them more intimidated?
FancyShark
lol
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well Billy if you cant finish off the one legged guy you really fucked up.
FancyShark
His big move is to gross out a wedding
Brendan
We are ten years into this book and the only thing that's happened is Billy has raced/murdered two cutout--WAIT HOLD UP ENTER CYBORG NEMESIS
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Billy is literally doing worse than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
gellaho
Like, I don't want to be insensitive, but showing off that you are half blind, have no fingers, and half a hand does not scare me
Brendan
His left leg is shorter because his right leg never stops flooring the gas.
FancyShark
What about if he shows he's not touching you? Does that bug you? Does it? Oh shit, his other hand just fell off
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Does.......does Jakes just also hate the disfigured?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Disfigured is traditional hackwork shorthand for eeeevil
gellaho
He also dropped under 40mph, so he should be:
(A) Dead (like Billy's dad)
(B) Insane (like the people who rescued Billy's dad)
(C) Or exiled
gellaho
Figure out your rules, weird hillbillies
FancyShark
So Lee is the real badass
LyraV
Maybe he limped at 40mph the whole way?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
If he's alone, give him a consolation beer and tell him to fuck off.
gellaho
Don't be offensive! We call them gash
FancyShark
Careful. He might limp at you
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh and everyone has to point and yell "WITNESSSSSSED!"
FancyShark
He came for three hundred miles? Impressive virility
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy.......kick his ass, dont hear him out. You beat him, this is just sour and crispy grapes from a loser.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I feel like we're learning a lot about Jakes that we didn't really want to tonight
gellaho
How dare you say "hug" in these four vans we turned into a basketball court!
gellaho
FancyShark
This still works if you adhere to Brendan's theory that Jakes hates all of these characters
gellaho
Which he absolutely does
Aw, man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Billy..........he's barely able to walk, he's alone, and in a sea of your kin. His family thinks he's dead, and he's threatening you. You really need to fuckin learn when to actually do things.
FancyShark
Aw man. Now the soggy cake might as well be moist
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I mean you melted him once already, you might as well finish the job.
FancyShark
You are going over 40mph and he has weeping sores and half a skeleton. Just push him off
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or get one of your many relatives to do it.
Surely you have a cousin Ray Bob Spoiler who everyone knows isnt quite right.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I scrolled to the beginning to see if I could make sense of this "never going below 40" or this setting or premise and I'm still stumped.
FancyShark
It's a very inconsistent rule where they can't ever go below 40mph either because it will kill them or it's their religion or it's lame
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also they have a better social safety net than we do, this dystopia is fuckin weird.
gellaho
So, you probably didn't notice. But this book does not have chapters. It has parts
Brendan
Left leg got shorter from power skipping at 40.1
gellaho
We have just reached Part 2
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh yeah, like a car does.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
So it's like Speed mixed with Snowpiercer?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Im gonna be honest, the cover art deserved a better book.
FancyShark
Yes. Not as well thought out, but yes
gellaho
It is page 79, which is not great because it started on page 13
FancyShark
hahahahahahahaha
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jesus.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
lmao
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Still makes no fucking sense. I mean a mass transportation vehicle only needs one driver.
Anyway, probably better I don't try too hard to figure it out.
FancyShark
These books are so dense with madness. I love it
Brendan
Also they go crazy if they slow down. They get Slow Madness.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes must have been one crazy motherfucker.
gellaho
At any rate, until next week when we try to get through the last 95 pages of this book, The Book Cage is in stasis
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
that cover tho.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
We almost did it!
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com !
GDC
This was dense, thank you for this.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Turbo teen getting railed by a phoenix
gellaho
May all of your children be born at 65 mph
LyraV
Beautiful, the claws digging into the skull are a nice touch.
Brendan
Why does Paul Bettany look like the Blue Fairy turned Kermit the Frog into a human?
FancyShark
I will miss next week because of family visiting, but I look forward to reading all your riffs
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you are a Turbo Teen and get fucked by a phoenix.
Brendan
We will miss you next week too
Slaughterhouse Five...Dune...and Now...Pontiac teen assault
gellaho
Give your love to Don Punchatz
gellaho
He needs it being born with that last name
Brendan
Thanks for booking, you bookworms!
FancyShark
Thank you too, Brendan!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay I need to know if Don is a real person or someones fake name or what.
FancyShark
Great riffing, everybody!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
OH GODDAM.
Y'all google Don.
This cover for this book is very in keeping with his whole deal.
FancyShark
HOLY SHIT
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like a nude car man being scalped by a giant fiery bird is totally up his alley it seems.
FancyShark
FancyShark
THIS WAS DON
LyraV
Always, I'd hire him to paint a van for sure.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
https://americangallery.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/don-ivan-punchatz-1936-2009/
FancyShark
That means I have actual Don Punchatz art on my wall
FancyShark
Fucking sweet
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahahaha some of these are just so.........what the fuck?
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 98.5 - ON WHEELS Part 2
Had yesterday off, so completely forgot my own schedule. But, running back ON WHEELS tomorrow at 5pm eastern. you know the deal.
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I can't believe Jakes had the balls to give us a naked twunk with Turbo Teen limbs being ratatouilled by a firebird on the cover and then just did nothing with that in the text
Octo
Got to save something for the climax
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Also nobody talk about how his calves bend at a perfect 90 degree angle to fit into the wheels. Just don't even bring it up
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's ON WHEELS Part 2.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
gellaho
Wheels is America
Wheels is America
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
So Walden was a supercomputer, right?
gellaho
America are wheels
gellaho
Marriages usually disintegrate after a month anyway
gellaho
Ah, yes, the shaving tackle fell out of the johnny's medicab onto the plasto. That happens to everyone
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Hate it when half of my pink slop spills across the floor of the johnny
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Whats the world coming to when you cant even keep the spark in your relationship with your death race prize woman?
gellaho
Just what you want before sex: chili, an argument about money and dad talk
