gellaho
liquorish
So, like liquor?
Fucking baffling
liquorish
So, like liquor?
Fucking baffling
Victory tastes like Old Crow.
It's like boozy, but less committed
Liquorish licorice
Billy.........didnt you vow to kill Lee?
Maybe this is a great time to do that.
In the garden, the mighty garden
The Ballad of Dum-Dum Billy
I hope Lee wins the race and Billy congratulates him with knife
Bumperknockers
Ballad of Billy Spoiler is admitedly a great Link Wray song we never got.
Bumperknockers is the full name of that slang for tits
Wobbly in the rear end
Wobbly like his dick in the rear end
Wait, that didn't sound right
That's not how gas tanks work
Wisconsin, that state adjacent to Indiana
Jakes is a writer, not a geographer.
I'm also pretty sure that's not how you'd get to Wisconsin from Florida
Maybe Indiana took over like Illinois and Michigan.
hahaha, Indiana wishes it could take over Illinois
That's right, Indiana. I'm calling you out
Banana peel
Anything is possible in the dark mirror of Jakes imagination.
Then we'd have even more fake states to get to 52
I'd assume some of them were in Canada.
You know races at 75
You know, cruising speed on the interstate
Now Rose is going to sing a song about the Lee Ramp of the Pack
Billy checks his speedo an awful lot for a grown man with allegedly perfect bladder control
Health club van
They get passed by so many semis
Also Billy.........YOU SWORE TO KILL HIM! Did you forget that?
If there's anything I know about Billy, he has no control of anything relating to his dick
You swear road vengeance on a dude and you forgot it, didnt you, Billy?
I'll say that every aspect of a car in the '70s made 75mph a lot more terrifying.
No handling, long brakes, heavier vehicle.
shocks etc.
Steel frame, no crumple zones.
Might as well be dead, then
No airbags, seatbelts optional
You could drive thru a brick wall and the car would be fine. You could sell it right after hosing the driver out.
Nice to know our hero is a gremlin of a man
"Well no, he got snagged by a passing bison and we havent heard from him since."
"We found most of him still pinned under the car"
What's left of him stopped yeah let's go with that.
They can fit a basketball court with a false floor in a vehicle!?
"Technically with a lot of him having burnt, he's moving really fast on a molecular level."
Rose Ann must be so thrilled to be property
Billy are you going to fucking CRY in a crawlspace because you defeated your rival?
He used to be Lee. Now he's List.
Car boys dont feel guilt, Billy.
Billy has a formal meeting with the police at half court
Also exploding like that is a sweet way to die.
Lee would be grateful.
Technically everything on earth is going about 800mph at all times so I say pull over to the shoulder and make love in a field.
In her past life she was Anne Boleyn and now its watered down to this.
Gauntlets
"Burly and black, with a young, open face, like a pumpernickel sandwich"
"wet bird eyes."
GIF
Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.
Special Officer Claymore is your Ice for this evening
Yep, sounds like Rose Ann
Better than moist snake eyes I suppose.
"No. I'm Billy THE Spoiler. You're thinking of my Latino cousin."
The phrase "The big black" gives me a lot of confidence in the racial sensitivity of "Black in Time"
They're just widdle guys 🥺
Somehow it's worse when it's singular.
I feel like this writer just wrote out a list of names first then justified the list by writing this.
God forgive me for disowning the license plates of a warrior
That makes too much sense to not be true
Billy discovers he is not into BBC (Big, Black Cop) or ENM (Eventually Not Moving 40mph)
"What is car? How combustion even?"
Better than the n-word which Simon has boldly used in multiple books
I'm so confused. They have a basketball court on their eight lines of road car>
"Billy, you killed a man. We'd like to recruit you for a mission."
I bet if you do a find for me saying confused, it's about 3 hours into every Jakes book.
This book has a really odd idea of what constitutes a street legal vehicle.
Twice in Cold Steele and once in Psychodrome where he listed every single slur he could think of
Which they are using to house their improvised courtroom
And if you want to hear more, go to https://gellaho.com/audiobooks
Do I say the n-word? Find out today!
Weird sales pitch. Especially because it's working
That name is too long
Observed by who? No one stops anywhere
Goooooood slit this fucking cop from crotch to gizzard and dump him out the back.
Billy fingers his panties
After like 30 or 40 vans run him over nobody can say it wasnt an accident.
Yeah, billiards works well in a moving vehicle
Balls just hate rolling
I'm lost. Is Billy a hormonal teenager or a grizzled ex-cop?
Because this feels like backstory for Snake Pliskin
The shiny-black finger of judgment
Tepper is one of those special cops they breed in tanks, they're half beetle.
hate it when fingers go wag
Leafed to the last leaf
What is an "oh-hell" smile? Is that intimidating or jovial?
To the Last Leaf Sir!
He meant to say 'aw shucks' I think but really biffed it.
Goooooooood just kill these nerds and tell all and sundry you never saw them.
Part out the car they came in and toss the transmitter in the ditch.
Aw shucks smile is 'hey I'm going to search your car, grope your friend and threaten to plant drugs on you' in Texas State trooper speak.
Having successfully covered up their crimes, the old man clucks (?) and the rest fantasize about Billy fucking
You know, reader. STP shave lotions. That smell.
John Jakes just inserted an old-timey prospector into this book
A little like gasoline, a little like mint juleps, a little like being beaten with your grandfathers belt, but like how it smells.
This book is so dense
Every paragraph, every sentence has a baffling word choice
"Ambition" is a strange way to spell "boaner", Jakes.
It's incredible
The plasto flasks of Kentucky
Imagining Mose as Gabby Hayes.
Then Billy remembered he was gay and the weight of his actions fell on him
In both halves
Okay.
Not a bad way to indicate the hero is fucking evil
Killed the only man he ever loved to win a woman incapable of loving.
Wait really? That is a different way of drinking but alright.
That sounds ominous but im sure its probably fine.
Billy ignores the fiftieth red flag
Did they do a sexy dance and feed him shrimp as well?
Holy shit he got his finger all the way in her mouth!
Unfortunately it was road shrimp.
Er--beggin' your pardon for the language, ladies. I meant top-gash.
I'd give points for it at least being a unique compliment.
A future dystopia, but everyone also gets paid by the government because John Jakes said, "fuck you!" to making sense
Top of the gash to you
I stand by my "Jakes visited a small town and despised everyone there" theory.
Hurling wrenches doesnt seem like my idea of friendly horseplay.
Gotta buy the fuck wagon
Smash cut back to the dessicated remains of the station wagon passengers
It's dodge ball training
It really seems like the government is going out of the way to patronize the mad max cosplayers.
Ok look I would legitimately be excited about that part. It does sound pretty sick.
Foreshadowing? Who knows!
Every dystopian road warrior has his traditional box of dildos he takes on his honeymoon.
Not enough to make up for the groping and objectification mind you but a nice aside.
Nobody's seen Lee because he was engulfed in a fireball
Kissing: illegal outside of marriage
The Spoilers call them road flares
Sincerely hoping he comes back half-tank.
Maybe he made his dex save.
CLEATUS
Hey, John, you spell hiccup like a goddamned American
John Jakes you snooty Yankee
You have to say the Reverends full name without laughing before they let you in.
All of this from one chaste dance
Rose-Ann wears her mothers tree shaped air freshener around her neck, thats why she always smells like lilac.
Now, I'm no makeout expert (hold your surprise), but I don't think this is how you do it
They did dance with their hands between each other's thighs
Which seems more difficult than sexy
The organ peals in Toccata in Fugue in D minor
Its........not NOT how you do it, but also not really a good way TO do it.
More of a whispering a secret in your lover's mouth than a kiss
Segues into an organ adaptation of a Judas Priest song.
Skullpopping punch
I would love to know what the fuck John Jakes thinks trap means in this context
Yum. Soggy cake
Jakes..........we don't care about this part, you know we don't care about this part, skip to the fucking.
He's used it multiple times as a musical instrument, and unless he invented trap hip-hop fifty years early I have no idea
Better yet, skip to the Lee Ramp Revenge Fire Zombie
A great beverage
Christian rock should really co-opt religio-rock
it's much better
Its more of a soup but soups are technically beverages.
At over 40 alot of things are beverages.
Complete freedom forever!
Gunshot
Come on, Jakes
Who could have foreseen this
Hell yes
It's not Fire Zombie, but Pirate Motorhead is still solid
He keeps showing off how crippled he is, which makes them more intimidated?
lol
Well Billy if you cant finish off the one legged guy you really fucked up.
His big move is to gross out a wedding
We are ten years into this book and the only thing that's happened is Billy has raced/murdered two cutout--WAIT HOLD UP ENTER CYBORG NEMESIS
Billy is literally doing worse than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Like, I don't want to be insensitive, but showing off that you are half blind, have no fingers, and half a hand does not scare me
His left leg is shorter because his right leg never stops flooring the gas.
What about if he shows he's not touching you? Does that bug you? Does it? Oh shit, his other hand just fell off
Does.......does Jakes just also hate the disfigured?
Disfigured is traditional hackwork shorthand for eeeevil
He also dropped under 40mph, so he should be:
(A) Dead (like Billy's dad)
(B) Insane (like the people who rescued Billy's dad)
(C) Or exiled
Figure out your rules, weird hillbillies
So Lee is the real badass
Maybe he limped at 40mph the whole way?
If he's alone, give him a consolation beer and tell him to fuck off.
Don't be offensive! We call them gash
Careful. He might limp at you
Oh and everyone has to point and yell "WITNESSSSSSED!"
He came for three hundred miles? Impressive virility
Billy.......kick his ass, dont hear him out. You beat him, this is just sour and crispy grapes from a loser.
I feel like we're learning a lot about Jakes that we didn't really want to tonight
How dare you say "hug" in these four vans we turned into a basketball court!
This still works if you adhere to Brendan's theory that Jakes hates all of these characters
Which he absolutely does
Aw, man
Billy..........he's barely able to walk, he's alone, and in a sea of your kin. His family thinks he's dead, and he's threatening you. You really need to fuckin learn when to actually do things.
Aw man. Now the soggy cake might as well be moist
I mean you melted him once already, you might as well finish the job.
You are going over 40mph and he has weeping sores and half a skeleton. Just push him off
Or get one of your many relatives to do it.
Surely you have a cousin Ray Bob Spoiler who everyone knows isnt quite right.
I scrolled to the beginning to see if I could make sense of this "never going below 40" or this setting or premise and I'm still stumped.
It's a very inconsistent rule where they can't ever go below 40mph either because it will kill them or it's their religion or it's lame
Also they have a better social safety net than we do, this dystopia is fuckin weird.
So, you probably didn't notice. But this book does not have chapters. It has parts
Left leg got shorter from power skipping at 40.1
We have just reached Part 2
Oh yeah, like a car does.
So it's like Speed mixed with Snowpiercer?
Im gonna be honest, the cover art deserved a better book.
Yes. Not as well thought out, but yes
It is page 79, which is not great because it started on page 13
hahahahahahahaha
Jesus.
lmao
Still makes no fucking sense. I mean a mass transportation vehicle only needs one driver.
Anyway, probably better I don't try too hard to figure it out.
These books are so dense with madness. I love it
Also they go crazy if they slow down. They get Slow Madness.
Jakes must have been one crazy motherfucker.
At any rate, until next week when we try to get through the last 95 pages of this book, The Book Cage is in stasis
GIF
that cover tho.
We almost did it!
Thank you, @gellaho, hardyboysorigins.com !
This was dense, thank you for this.
Turbo teen getting railed by a phoenix
May all of your children be born at 65 mph
Beautiful, the claws digging into the skull are a nice touch.
Why does Paul Bettany look like the Blue Fairy turned Kermit the Frog into a human?
I will miss next week because of family visiting, but I look forward to reading all your riffs
This is what happens when you are a Turbo Teen and get fucked by a phoenix.
We will miss you next week too
Slaughterhouse Five...Dune...and Now...Pontiac teen assault
Give your love to Don Punchatz
He needs it being born with that last name
Thanks for booking, you bookworms!
Thank you too, Brendan!
Okay I need to know if Don is a real person or someones fake name or what.
Great riffing, everybody!
OH GODDAM.
Y'all google Don.
This cover for this book is very in keeping with his whole deal.
HOLY SHIT
Like a nude car man being scalped by a giant fiery bird is totally up his alley it seems.
THIS WAS DON
Always, I'd hire him to paint a van for sure.
https://americangallery.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/don-ivan-punchatz-1936-2009/
That means I have actual Don Punchatz art on my wall
Fucking sweet
Hahahahaha some of these are just so.........what the fuck?
The Book Cage: Episode 98.5 - ON WHEELS Part 2
Had yesterday off, so completely forgot my own schedule. But, running back ON WHEELS tomorrow at 5pm eastern. you know the deal.
I can't believe Jakes had the balls to give us a naked twunk with Turbo Teen limbs being ratatouilled by a firebird on the cover and then just did nothing with that in the text
Got to save something for the climax
Also nobody talk about how his calves bend at a perfect 90 degree angle to fit into the wheels. Just don't even bring it up
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's ON WHEELS Part 2.
GIF
Wheels is America
Wheels is America
So Walden was a supercomputer, right?
America are wheels
Marriages usually disintegrate after a month anyway
Ah, yes, the shaving tackle fell out of the johnny's medicab onto the plasto. That happens to everyone
Hate it when half of my pink slop spills across the floor of the johnny
Whats the world coming to when you cant even keep the spark in your relationship with your death race prize woman?
Just what you want before sex: chili, an argument about money and dad talk