98: ON WHEELS John Jakes

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I assume these people can never reproduce except by kidnapping because they can only go forward during sex.

Brendan

So, Texas.

gellaho

Scrooch

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The old "In and in more."

Brendan

Well the secret is to thrust in and never pull out.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Til you climb out your partners mouth like some kind of parasitic wasp larvae.

gellaho

She had been a Tollbooth

Brendan

How do you decouple? Easy, turn around and face aft. Now you're pulling forward.

But you do have to subtract the relative momentum of the sex from the forward momentum.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Every coital session ends in a foot race.

God help you if you fuck someone slower than you.

Brendan

This is why all Spoiler vaginas are aimed fore of convoy at birth. To give the kids a headstart.

FancyShark

Don't know why he capitalized it. She was an actual tollbooth

This Cars fanfic is getting weird

Brendan

This dumb book would make an awesome video game though.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"His right leg was still jamming up and down..." its called death spasms, dont worry, the twitching stops before long.

gellaho

The school van

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh no wonder they dont believe in relativity, they only have an eighth grade education.

gellaho

Alright, so we're now implying that going below 40 is deadly

FancyShark

So the station wagon was full of dead people?

I mean, before the crash

gellaho

Plasto pint

FancyShark

That means "sippy cup"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The government could get rid of these people by just not repairing roads for a while.

FancyShark

Hell, Illinois did that for years

Brendan

What kind of MAN goes below 40 except FREQUENTLY when going fast creates avoidable crashes that NECESSITATE he stop?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And thats why nobody can leave Illinois by car.

gellaho

His fancy, highfalutin high school education

Brendan

Illinois Nazis. I don't know as you'd call 'em people.

FancyShark

Fuckin' nazi pary. I hate Illinois nazis

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Illinoizis we call em.

gellaho

I assume when John Jakes moved to Florida, he learned this wasn't true

Brendan

This is radical sci-fi.

Positing a dry Florida.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Maybe once the atomic wars dry up the seas?

Or something?

Brendan

Sea killed my father, so I took revenge.

FancyShark

The Colonel better talk like Foghorn Leghorn or he's in violation of the Panama Hat Old Guy doctrine

GDC

Jakes is pushing back against the moist Florida narrative.

gellaho

Time for another Billy's willy update:

gellaho

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Did he just get circumcised or something?

FancyShark

Billy's dick must be his Jiminy Cricket

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes are you trying to tell us Billy is horny or be broke his dick in a car accident?

Because you can do that and its a serious medical condition, Jakes.

gellaho

Grandiloquent

GDC

Jakes deploys some grizzled prospector style racial slurs

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Damn y'all have been doing this shit for only fifty years and already forgot shit?

FancyShark

Exhaust fumes are not good for long term exposure

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"It was our Road God given right to keep putting lead in our gas and bygod we continue to do it."

"Now perk up your third ear on your back and listen close, Billy."

gellaho

I don't know what you are talking about

Unrelated

FancyShark

Oh hell

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

hahahahahahah

gellaho

FancyShark

lol

Jakes, you are so not equipped to handle that

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh buddy. Jakes. Buddy......no.

gellaho

Spring frog fever

Brendan

I miss Rex Moran so much.

We didn't deserve that beautiful creature.

gellaho

I think he's the perfect guy for it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

We shall never see his like again.

So......Billy is horny? Like......frogs?

gellaho

My share of gash

Brendan

Really just depends what consumer products he feels are Black enough to become his characters' surnames, doesn't it?

Like if the Black People homeplanet is Maple Syruptopia, we have a problem.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Colonel, I have that dried gourd I put slices of room temperature deli meat in, like we all do."

FancyShark

There's piece of ass and there's share of gash, but never call someone either of those or you're headed for a shallow grave

Brendan

I'm kidding, of course. OBVIOUSLY he would call Black Earth "MapSyria."

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

If you're going faster than 40 miles an hour you get there much quicker.

gellaho

Get that gash!

Brendan

"You know, like the kind of woman you killed back there."

FancyShark

Speaking of gash, how's that head wound treating you, Billy?

gellaho

A future without denim!? This certainly is a dystopia

GDC

Isn't denim made out of cotton?

FancyShark

You never stop driving. Who cares what people are wearing in an immobile city?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Yeah, you cant grow cotton on top of a van.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

City on wheels, boom.

gellaho

Fancied Holiday Inn

FancyShark

I'm sorry but the off-shoot of Holiday Inn is called Days Inn and it's as sad as that name implies

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

It really is just Mortal Empires

gellaho

You know, the instrument "traps"

FancyShark

Excuse me, Jakes, but I believe you mean the gashes of the clans and their droplings

gellaho

You know, like how Jesus lived

FancyShark

And the Lord said "Ass, Gas or Grass. No one be Saved for free"

gellaho

John Jakes has decided that subtlety is for the weak

gellaho

All the talent for social satire as someone on Tumblr

FancyShark

So overcrowded that it took three hours for them to reach the nearest doctor

GDC

Classic 70s overpopulation sci-fi

gellaho

And they are 10% of the population, but there aren't that many of them

Figure that out

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And nobody can just turn to their granddad and say "Grandaddy is all that true?" because 50 years is an unfathomable span of time........

Who even lives that long?

FancyShark

Not Billy's dad, that's for sure

gellaho

I'm not sure I understand this belief system

FancyShark

He couldn't have learned anything. He was born eight years after the world changed

gellaho

For one thing, he says there's plenty of room to live in cities. But also, everyone should live on the road. But also, somehow fight in Asia

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Jakes no! Never get involved in a land war in Asia!

Brendan

This book makes much more sense if you take Jakes as despising every one of his idiot characters. This is his Robocop.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

But never go slower than 40 miles an hour while you drive to Asia.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure he does

Brendan

It's him saying "Here's everything that sucks about America if the sucky suckers win."

gellaho

He's made them stereotypical road hillbillies

gellaho

Like I said, all the social satire of a Tumblr post

GDC

They claim they're free because they live on government funded highways. They're really just libertarians.

gellaho

Billy says no fatties

Brendan

I'm satirizing your observation.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy, you just missed out bud.

gellaho

They somehow turned four vans into a dance floor. Figure that out

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Fucking sick, actually

gellaho

Choicest gash

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Ah yes, "fried chickens" and "the trimmings"

FancyShark

I hope his head is still bleeding through this

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Mmmm, fried chicken.

gellaho

Choice gash targeted

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Oh no somebody spiked Billy's punch!

gellaho

Hard lubbing

FancyShark

Complex series of emotions for spotting a creep across the room

gellaho

John Jakes likes himself some high tits

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shirley Talltits

FancyShark

Taffy is gray, isn't it?

Brendan

You can tell when it's ready if the thighs smell young.

GDC

I've never heard the phrase taffy colored before.

gellaho

Taffy can be many colors

It can also be Laffy

Seductive finger wiggles

Brendan

This is an entire culture that sits 24/7, you would think a fat girl would be treasured for having an ass.

LOVE YOURSELVES, LADIES

#go39getbusydyin

gellaho

Billy stiffened at her woman-teasing

FancyShark

Damn her woman-ways

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy that sex gourd you made for the long nights on the road is looking better and better for you.

FancyShark

So it's the post apocalypse but dating is still in the 1950s

gellaho

Stay away from the Holiday Inn people, Billy

Brendan

Billy liked his women barely legal (driving age) and acting even younger than that. Also sickly and playing weird mind games.

gellaho

Can't get drive-thru if you can't go under 40

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh shit she has bedbugs and a lousy continental breakfast.

Brendan

#go40forfreedom

Billy has never smelled a lilac in his life.

He literally cannot stop to smell the roses.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Unless he has weird taste in car air fresheners.

gellaho

Languorous broken-hearted mountainpop

Brendan

although I guess he's stopping to smell Rose's young girl thighs.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Leaving room for Motor Jesus.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I'm glad naming music keeps getting stupid in the future past

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

A couple of them

gellaho

Uh oh

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

A yard, you could fit 2-3 Jesi

Brendan

Just picture them mournfully doing that '80s shoulder twist but slower and with room for the holy spirit

FancyShark

Looking like they're trying to take off an itchy coat

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"My papa wouldn't let me come until I was 17"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Someone is playing a washboard and jug but as a funeral dirge.

Brendan

My Papa never goes below 50. I've vowed to take no man's hand what can't outrace him.

Brendan

Promise Enforcers

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That's the charitable read

FancyShark

Tell her she's the prettiest gash you ever saw, Billy. She'll be taffy in your arms.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Gash is one my least favorite synonyms for pussy

gellaho

I can't say I understand, no

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

axe wound is worse

Brendan

"You don't smell sinful like the other girls. Your lilac axe wound makes your thighs seem like home."

Billy goes to ask her father's permission to take her gas cap.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I think my favorite is "kid-shitter" tho.

Brendan

SCOOPED!

GDC

Rose brushed him boobily.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

OMG I've never heard that one 😬

gellaho

The fuck are you two doing

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Don't scoop me, man, I just got here

Ramb$ne

it's Australian

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Slit that fuckers weasand, Billy! Ladies love it.

Brendan

No -- 'Twas Mordred, scooped the Beast!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"just like all the rest" 🤓

FancyShark

Come on, Billy. This is your chance to impress her by murdering her boyfriend

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I thought that was in response! 😅

Brendan

Australians wheeling laboring mothers-to-be into a ward marked "Southern Headbutts, Ya C***s"

gellaho

No, no, no. That's not his name! That can't be his name!

gellaho

Ramb$ne

oh yeah that's formal talk, though, Bogans at play use kid-shitter

gellaho

John Jakes! You are too good!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

St. Patrick's Day?

Brendan

Rose can only be aroused by male on male violence.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

As Motor Jesus intended.

gellaho

Big-man style

Brendan

I took a Belcher Holiday, in Louisiana. Seemed appropriate at the time.

FancyShark

Billy hurt

Billy not like

Brendan

Can't believe this lunatic tease who starts fights and expects me to finish them didn't want to meet me to enjoy her bodily autonomy, UGH.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

His groin again?

gellaho

Hit, pound, attack

GDC

Bigman is a style of belt loop manipulation. Tallman is a measure of length in the Jakesverse.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

ITS BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE STABMAS!

gellaho

Seems healthy

FancyShark

Our story so far: Road Warriors killed some people and now one of them is being snubbed at the school dance

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Lust, Billy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy you are a real disappointment as a protagonist, get your kin and beat Lee Ramps ass later.

FancyShark

Dude, you danced with her once. That isn't love. That's hormones

Brendan

This whole book feels like Jakes drove I-95 to some redneck bar and scowled at all of it.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy isnt going to go out historic on the Fury Road.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Sad Max

gellaho

Ew

FancyShark

Goddammit, Jakes

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hell of a way to tell us Rose has bad breath.

Brendan

Each night Billy asks the stars up above

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I'd say husky, but...

Brendan

why must he be a teenager who was never taught what the stars are?

gellaho

Wait, are you driving while making out?

Brendan

The Diesel Dothraki over here.

I hate everything about this world.

FancyShark

You know a woman likes you when she yammers about the notches on her bedpost the whole time you're making out

Brendan

How many pages in are we that we don't have a mission or an antagonist?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Maybe she's trying to assure him she knows how to fuck?

gellaho

Did she really want to fuck the old man?

Brendan

She learned from Belcher and Maude that jealousy is the only way to keep a man's interest.

FancyShark

It's a John Jakes book, so the antagonist probably won't show up until the last few pages

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Are they making out in his car that is parked inside a van?!

Brendan

This entire culture drives on trying to maintain and increase property ownership while also piloting an automobile that can't stop long enough to pick stuff up.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy..........push her out the car and go see if that fat girl is available.

GDC

I love how impractical Jakes makes this culture seem.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Bud you cant drive good and play headgames with your girl at the same time.

gellaho

And the 51st state was? Jakes?

Brendan

Do you think the girls are huddled against the wall across the convoy square dance trailer but it's only four feet away from the boys?

FancyShark

Moving on

Brendan

I bet they're whispering to each other with nervous excitement.

"Gear shaft" one says.

"Satan's pitchfork," rebuts the other.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

My money is on Puerto Rico, but it could be a United States of Mexamericanada thing too.

GDC

West Dakota

gellaho

Another Billy's willy update:

Brendan

The contest of what the gash of male is continues.

FancyShark

"He said I was a choice piece of gash. I think he likes me!"

gellaho

He's got the hot dick

Brendan

Turgidly, he erectified.

gellaho

That's the first thing I think of when it comes to erections

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Billy the Tumescent.

GDC

His loins ignited as a result of his clumsy groping

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Shit, Rose-anne, you didnt have to do that with the lighter."

FancyShark

He better be careful. If his dick gets below 40mph, he'll die

Brendan

Billy's man-oil stained her dress, made of car seat insulating foam.

LyraV

This was the perfect comment to enter on thank you.

Brendan

As all my comments must forever be!

LyraV

Rose Ann better watch out once his lions overheat she'll have to replace the whole radiator.

gellaho

He tricked you good, letting you make out with his girlfriend!

Brendan

All the kids spiking the dance punch with antifreeze

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He'll smell of maple and chemicals for ever tho.

Brendan

How's he gonna drive the Keys at 40mph

gellaho

Plastowood

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

CAR JOUST CAR JOUST CAR JOUST!

FancyShark

"Taking her out in that mother of yours" does not play the way you intended, Jakes

gellaho

Better question is how they drive 90 gigantic vans down the single lane highways

Brendan

"Yeah it was me! I was the creep taking photos of teens engaging in sexual activity! Hahaha, boy, don't you look like a stupid jerk now!"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes this can end in two ways that wont leave me disappointed. Car joust, or two teens shirtlessly knife fighting on top of a van.

FancyShark

Or a Blues Brothers mass pileup

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You can even do car joust chariot style, and have seconds do the driving while the two principals fling exploding javelins at each other.

gellaho

All this attention for me!

FancyShark

Tee-hee!

"I'm so drunk with power right now!"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Oh Billy, all this attention has me gash right lubed."

gellaho

A panty arm-band for luck

FancyShark

"I'm talking about my truss"

GDC

Take my retainer, billy.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Smells of motor oil, gasoline, and the sea.

gellaho

Final boob-grab, and he's off

LyraV

Lee Ramp sounds like a winner or at least a short path leading to the winner.

Just the one, if he went for two he'd never let go.

Brendan

Rose Ann was not like other gash. She was...brilliant. Frustrating. Exciting. Dangerous. Tempting. Teasing. Cruel. Hateful, even. Sadistic in her arousal, and narcissistic in its fulfillment. He knew then this was the gash he would love forevermore at 99mph.

gellaho

Suddenly: Indiana

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Indiana, the worst best place to die in a car duel.

Brendan

Sounds like he just wiped something off on it.

gellaho

Billy checks his special clock

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Little drop of oil mixed with just a bit of semen.

Brendan

Girls can't get pregnant at anything less than 66mph, that's why the speed limit is 65.

gellaho

Panty-madness

FancyShark

It'd be so great if this entire society got pulled over for running a stop sign

Brendan

BACK! IN! TIME!

He's gonna lose because he let a woman make him soft [hard].

FancyShark

Bad time for cardiac arrest

gellaho

Liquorish

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hes found impaled on his steering column, boner fluttering weakly like a dying bird.