Ex-cop Abigail Mackenzie has started a second career-as a farmer. Raising chickens, keeping bees, and growing hierloom vegetables on her farmette in the Bay Area, Abby has a peaceful life. Yet trouble just seems to make a beeline for her...
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gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 101 - A Beeline to Murder
Back before the Book Cage was The Book Cage, I purchased a book by hotdog weirdo Meera Lester which I read between Killer and Jagged Steele. We're going to be doing a nostalgic celebration of The Book Cage here. At 300 pages, we'll be skipping a lot of it, which is fine because almost nothing happens in it. Except for planning for a Frenchman's funeral and the bee worship. Find out how to "Plant a Fairy Ring," this Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
infinite tempest jakesy
Oh hell yeah
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Oh good, a cozy mystery. I was wondering if we'd covered any of these
gellaho
Just in case you need a reminder on the author https://1900hotdog.com/2020/12/learning-day-365-ways-to-live-happy/
infinite tempest jakesy
Bee lady
gellaho
I also wrote all over this book when I read it two years ago, so that'll be a fun bonus for everyone
infinite tempest jakesy
INCLUDES FARMING TIPS AND DELICIOUS RECIPES
gellaho
It certainly does
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"like a small child or a Jedi might do" is another hotdog line that runs through my head at odd hours
gellaho
I should mention, this woman wrote fan fiction about her house
That's what this is
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Fanfiction about the what
gellaho
The main location in this book, the "Henny Penny Farmette," is Meera Lester's house
The main character is not Meera Lester, but she lives in Meera Lester's house
It's very bizarre
Octo
Oooh; just learned why there was a sharp decline in the quality of Donny Cates' books and why he wound up getting pulled from them all; he was in a car accident and got some pretty severe head trauma.
I'd assumed he was just having some creative burnout
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's A Beeline to Murder, ugh. No preview, instead you get effusive praise
FancyShark
Joanne Fluke's blurb sounds very sarcastic
Brendan
Credit for bone-conductive audio this early in the sci-fi game.
Brendan
"Oh, did she turn LAAAAADYYY Farmer? She didn't? Well I guess us GALS are just gatherers instead of born hunters like Officer Aayla" [making slow clit-rubbing motions the entire time she dictates this quote]
--Joanne Fluke, Lady Author
FancyShark
I'm refusing to explain to my coworkers why I just laughed in the middle of this meeting
Brendan
let's goooooooo
FancyShark
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
"Top of the hour" he says
pft it's clearly 630
FancyShark
To be fair, he's still recovering from a six month project
Brendan
Top of any hour is when book party starts
but what whiskey to have?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
5 time appreciation day winner suddenly too good to get his own book cage rolling on time, we see how it is
FancyShark
Sour?
I know nothing of whiskey
gellaho
Time to begin the process
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Ooooh Meera Lester
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
I bet meera's husband Moe really liked this book.
gellaho
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I hope said murder is via actual bees.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
"Just give us a name."
"No way. Hive bros for life."
Brendan
You have to admit, it's an idyllic scene to set
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Bees with tiny switchblades.
gellaho
It's important to note that each chapter begins with a fake quote from a fake book the main character hasn't written named after the house she lives in
FancyShark
Drones don't-
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
I don't think that's true but I don't know enough about honeybees to dispute it
Brendan
And that's how i met your mother
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Interestingly this is true for drones but only if they're xenomorphs.
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"I was doubtful, I mean, who wants to date a single mother with fifty thousand daughters?"
Brendan
woody allen
gellaho
It is also important to note that when I read this book 2.5 years ago I wrote notes. I apparently thought this tree crotch line would be good to make fun of
gellaho
✅ Redhead
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"AAAAAAAAAARGH THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAAAAKE!" - Woody Allen after having stuck his dick in a beehive.
FancyShark
Crotch bees are second only to ground bees for worst bees
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Is it just me or are these some porny fucking lines for a gardening scene
Brendan
i want this fecund life
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
All authors have a redhead fetish
Brendan
not chuck austen
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Obviously I'm in no position to judge
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Also, thousands of honeybees? Motherfuker that is an infestation. Call animal control.
gellaho
Not my precious bees!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Hahaha it's a fucking bee jailbreak.
I'm rooting for the bees so hard.
gellaho
FancyShark
Put the bees on leashes, Abby
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t h i c k e n i n g
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
Corpus: one of the grosser ways to say "body"
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
It's just pretentious
That's why lawyers use it
gellaho
Chef Boner
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
She habeus on my corpus til I in flagrante delicto
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
It takes a special kind of person to see a wild beehive and think "Hey, cool. Free bees."
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Right?
Like, she's a fucking serial beenapper.
FancyShark
And equate capturing bees with saving them
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Also I dont think you build a hive by just cramming the old hive into a box.
In fact I'm sure thats how you dont do it.
Especially not by fucking DROPPING it.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
Brendan
ME
gellaho
An angry, gay French chef? Now I've heard everything!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
It's really good that the author is trying to get us all horny for this corpse.
Did I say good? I meant weird.
Brendan
Every line of this book is infused with sensuality.
FancyShark
Just your standard sassy gay buff police chief
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
:SteeleYourself:
gellaho
I assume he also had a baguette shoved up his ass at the same time
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
French exclamations, my favourite kind
Ooh la la!
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Oh hes got French Chef Syndrome, its.......terminal.
FancyShark
He was furiously pointing out the inaccuracies in Ratatouille
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Sacré bleu!
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"HOW CAN ZE RAT MAKE ZE FOOD!? 'AIR EEZ NOT EVEN CONNECTED TO LE BRAIN!"
gellaho
Honestly surprised this is the first time this word showed up. Surprised it was the book from 2015 though
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Bilingual people regularly go on hilarious tirades in their native language for the benefit of passersby
FancyShark
That's French for "problematic"
Brendan
this is 2015??
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Man. Fucking speedrunning the benefit of the doubt, aren't we Meera
gellaho
You can't have the French chef makin' cannolis
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Somebody call Tony Prito!
FancyShark
Eyyyy, fuggeddabowdit, mon ami
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I bet hes just pretending to be French and tells people things like ":Baked ziti is French!"
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
I can't tell if this is all a bit, you all actually know that it means "he's late", right?
gellaho
"Something's wrong with this scene: it's not nearly French enough"
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I do but its funner this way.
FancyShark
In fact, she was first on the scene so often they began to suspect her
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Her bee senses tingle whenever crime is near
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She doesnt realize its just the chefs mix CD of French pop and the Wakfu intro and not opera.
gellaho
I don't know, I assume that's what he looked like when he was alive
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Good work, 47. Now head for an exit.
FancyShark
Just get your fingerprints all over the crime scene, Abby
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
That's seven years ofpolice training for sure
Brendan
Chef Boyardee
gellaho
She will always refer to this character as "Chief Bob Allen."
gellaho
Always the full name and title
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"ChiefBobAllen, charmedI'msure"
FancyShark
Chief Bob Allen likes people to address Chief Bob Allen by Chief Bob Allen's proper title. It's not weird.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Chief Bob Allen will be devastated, Chief and Chef used to have an odd couple type sitcom.
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Okay strangling a French chef is barely illegal, he probably had it coming.
Brendan
I don't speak the french part of quebecois, just the angry.
gellaho
I've been honing my comedic voice for many years. It's very complex
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All you have to do to get in a lethal duel with a French chef is yell "Bechamel sauce is just country gravy, I eat it on buttermilk biscuits!"
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Just a twinge of sadness. Nothing major.
FancyShark
Now hang on, Abby. Just because he's dead now doesn't mean he'll be that way later
Brendan
Il est en retard.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
It's great that we never actually got to interact with this person before he died, really brings all this sadness home
FancyShark
It's like souffle. You just have to let it settle
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
He's just sleeping
gellaho
Called in Russki Russkovitz
gellaho
Brendan
requiem for a guy who threw things at walls and wasted fine chocolate
FancyShark
"Hi, new best friend. I'm here to lecture you!"
gellaho
In walks a hobo
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Im imagining these two as Gillian Anderson in a beekeepers suit, and the blonde lady with knives from The Night Comes for Us
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Abby's memory works hard on the exposition.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
im not not into it
gellaho
I'll get right on that, girlfriend
FancyShark
She remembered all of that just from a sweater!
"Let's let the known lunatic wander around the crime scene"
Brendan
He gave cat ladies coffee, he didn't deserve what the french call..un garrote
gellaho
Apparently there's a joke here
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I like how they apparently only sent one cop to a murder scene.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
They figured he just slipped on butter and cracked his skull. It's the leading cause of death in french chefs.
FancyShark
"Haha, we do have fun."
[corpse lets out various gasses]
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Got his neckerchief caught in the knife rack and strangled himself.
gellaho
"You're such a good detective. Don't you agree, reader?"
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GIF
FancyShark
"In fact, he appears to have never baked in his life. Maybe we're looking at an imposter!"
gellaho
Chief Bob Allen thought it was a good idea to send most of his workforce elsewhere
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Hahahaha if its after like dawn and he doesnt have flour and stuff on his clothes he cant be much of a chef, you have to start early to be baking things to have them ready for the day.
FancyShark
Weird that Chief Bob Allen sent them that far when the town's in Iowa
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Wait........their whole fucking police force is EIGHT people?!
FancyShark
Small town!
gellaho
"Fuck you, everyone"
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My town has at least ten.
And a sheriff.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Could've been worse, could have had Chief Charlie Swan and his force
FancyShark
No crime, but fair share of gangbangers
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Gang members LOVE small towns, you can sell so much drugs to towns of less than 500 people who are mostly retirees.
gellaho
"Then there's the federal prison to the west, the minimum security prison to the east, and the high security asylum for supervillians to the south"
FancyShark
Plus there's that kooky doomsday cult that culls the impure and the innocent alike every Saturday after curfew
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
They got that prison thanks to a fantastic rap video
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Is there a Chilis out in front of the prison?
gellaho
Bikers just love getting a cold brew after sampling the finest vintages from Napa valley vineyards
Chief Bob Allen demands his officers smell like piss
gellaho
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Chief Bob Allen seems like he's bringing a lot of stuff from home into the office with him and making it everyone else's problem.
gellaho
Like the Hardy Boys, Meera Lester respects the Dumpster brand
FancyShark
"Why are you telling me all of this? I'm not a cop anymore."
gellaho
A drunken Frenchman? Now I've heard everything!
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Wait he wont ask for help from another office because he's cheap? Do you have to hire sheriffs to get them to help?
FancyShark
"I want the panorama shot because at sunset the light catches the paint just right and it looks like neon and starlight."
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Thanks, capitalism
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Yeah the French, notorious for cooking with things that are not alcohol.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Nah, just town tamers
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I guarantee this police chief has a fuckin MRAP and is just saving his budget for gas for it.
FancyShark
Chief Bob Allen's Chief Bob Allenmobile
gellaho
Abby muses on her first big case. Which was apparently committed to steal a rug?
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Classic detective work, pin it on an immigrant.
FancyShark
Under arrest for having fine taste
Not sure why sexual assault was necessary to obtain a rug
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
It's more incidental.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Why the fuck is the cozy mystery genre rife with drug crimes and sexual assault
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Like sometimes i guess you're committing a horrific rape and think "gee, that lamp would really complement my end table"
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Like, why can't it just be somebody stealing pies off windowsils
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In for a strangling in for a sexual assault, you can only go to prison so hard, I guess.
And once youve strangled someone to death, you might as well take their shit.
FancyShark
To establish she's hardcore and a badass or something
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Skyrim rules.
👽 Mustache Piano Eyefucker Mo
GIF
FancyShark
Okay, yeah, this tracks
gellaho
Nothing weird here
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Virgil ... Smith
FancyShark
Afros were still a thing in 2015?
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Afros will always be a cool hairstyle and nobody can convince me otherwise.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
They never died, just like disco
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
... doughnuts?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
two minutes
that's nothing in word time but it's a long ass fucking time to be hiking up your belt
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Cops have so much crap on their belts it makes sense. Poor Otto is in danger of a hernia.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
with his diet, he's in danger of a lot of other shit too
gellaho
Abby interrupts thinking about her disfigured hand to call Otto fat again
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Also I love that his wife is in one sentence revaled as a crazy person, insisting on a paleo diet.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
She's a big joe rogan fan
FancyShark
We found our Chet?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Fatphobia was more of a reflex than a learned behavior back then
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Abby..........did you never think to like.......just use some kind of glove to keep your thumb locked? Or like........use your other hand to shoot? You can train for that you know?
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Her other hand is a hook, it just hasn't come up yet
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All the better, she can take the hook off and replace it with a chainsaw.
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Groovy.
gellaho
Meera Lester describing the many colors of Virgil
gellaho
FancyShark
Virgil sounds very sick
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Or Meera has black people confused with beetles again.
gellaho
Straight from vomit to the other strange choice for this book, every chapter ends with weird tips
Brendan
Otto spent longer adjusting his belt than resisting a doughnut
Which, to be clear, I don't blame him for one bit.
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Beehives are made of bee vomit, it makes sense.
FancyShark
Disco Elysium assured me even veteran cops get nauseous around dead bodies
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Imagine if Abby was a girl Harry Dubois.
Brendan
Impossible, Smith isn't a beetle name.
gellaho
Very valuable tips. Like: feed your bees or they'll starve
gellaho
FancyShark
We are writing this
More murder stories should get interrupted by HGTV
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Wait, this mystery novel also assumes the reader has an interest in beekeping? what?!
Was this written by or for someone with ADHD and a bee obsession?
gellaho
Eat some "meadowsweet" Virgil
Rachel, Godhead Aspect
Gotta pad that wordcount somehow
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Deeelicious.
Brendan
ME
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What is it with healthy people and insisting you drink tea made with non tea plants?
FancyShark
Peppermint is already good. You shouldn't have to wait to vomit to enjoy it.
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Just toss some random ass leaves in boiling water and you are gonna do great!
gellaho
Abby uses a clue to neg her grandmother's jewelry
FancyShark
Anyway, bees
gellaho
Meera loves the word proffered
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I think Grandma might have been bullshitting.
Brendan
What do we know about Abby other than BEES
FancyShark
OOOOO! Would'st milady kindly GRACE this man with a donation of dead flesh?
Brendan
And the all-important red-gold hair
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We know her grandma is a liar.
FancyShark
And she was a cop
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And her thumb is fucked up.
Brendan
But I mean as a person
gellaho
In walks a hippie
FancyShark
A cop whose best friend is also a cop in the same small town she moved to when she stopped being a cop
Brendan
Poor bastard died of Homicide before his Suicide Girl arrived.
FancyShark
I don't understand the question. We just told you she used to be a cop and you know she has bees. What more is there to a person?
Brendan
Like who does she assault if not the bees.
gellaho
Naming is hard
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Shes basically Anita Blake if you replaced "latina vampire hunter and sex haver" with "Napa Valley cop and beekeeper."
Brendan
Why do you assume all these cops and an ambulance in no rush and a coroner's van means a bad thing occurred unless you're GUILTY?
gellaho
Now, you might think this is an important character based on how much time she spent describing her
FancyShark
Tallulah Berry is a Jimmy Buffett song, right?
gellaho
But from what I remember, this is the extent of her appearance
FancyShark
It's sounding like Chef Jean-Louis had a heart attack from stress
gellaho
Bite that lip
gellaho
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Heart attacks usually dont involve garrotes but they COULD.
FancyShark
Landlords always murder their tenants when they don't pay. It's the best way to get...paid?
gellaho
I was already tired of Abby's shit
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Why not just make her a cop, Meera?
FancyShark
I'm sure all of this won't prevent the evidence from holding up in court
gellaho
These seem like things a white girl with dreadlocks would say, sure
gellaho
Because otherwise the middle 200 pages of this book couldn't be about farming
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Farmer Cop tho.
FancyShark
That last part sounds hippie-ish
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Fuckin Gandhi.
gellaho
You don't say
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If Gandhi is such a pacifist why does he keep nuking my cities TALLULAH!?
FancyShark
GASP! Tallulah is a Bigfoot!
gellaho
I got a lotta candles to light
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GIF
FancyShark
"Souls of the dead go bad really fast, so there's a ticking clock element"
Brendan
These seem like things white girls with purple dreadlocks are the likeliest to say.
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"It's like croissants, if you leave them too long they get hard and yucky."
gellaho
All this murder makes me hungry
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Fuck yeah, recipes.
FancyShark
See if you can bake something without getting murdered!
gellaho
I clearly enjoyed this book
Brendan
PROUST cares, gellaho
FancyShark
Did you pull it off? Congratulations! You're better at this than the dead chef!
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I mean its important to know how many a recipe serves so you know if you need to make multiple batches.
gellaho
That's what you buy a mystery book for
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I appreciate Meera gave us a complete recipe and didnt half ass it even as I wonder who this is for again.
gellaho
Why do I want stronger eggshells
FancyShark
If you think about it, a recipe is just a mystery about how to make something delicious
Brendan
Set the madelines on the counter and wait for a tig bitty goth girl to follow the aroma to your register.
FancyShark
So when you egg something, it's like a brick
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Big titty goth girls loooooove cookies, thats how them titties got so big.
gellaho
Clay comes in, Clay goes out
FancyShark
The really unfinished kitchen. Like, bare wires and roughed-in floorboards
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Really what that tip is trying to tell you is to grind up the bones of your murder victims and feed the meal to your chickens.
gellaho
The old architectural salvage yard
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Mix it with molasses and roll it into little balls, chickens love that shit.
So do fish.
gellaho
28 year olds love doilies
FancyShark
Kat sounds like a good 1900Hotdog scholar
Brendan
On this homestead we make our OWN homicide investigations with no artificial chemicals.
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Abby and Kat are secret grandmas.
Were grandmas.
FancyShark
A lady who loves antiques? How fascinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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On nights of the full moon they transform and go antiquing and get an early bird special.
gellaho
I've got a thing for onions and lettuce
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The only way to defeat a were grandma is to push her down a set of silver stairs.
Abby "Horny for Onions" Mackenzie, Farmer Cop.
FancyShark
Better Homes and Gardens Presents BAKER'S DIE
gellaho
Las Vegas Bake-off
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So Abby and Kat are basically lesbians, right? This is what I imagine a certain kind of old lesbian acts like at home.
gellaho
Can you tell I was getting tired of this book
FancyShark
Uh, ladies? The murder?
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Tallulah would have enjoyed the crystal bowl.
gellaho
Just full of frenchmen
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Well, yeah, of course hes a master manipulator. Hes a chef.
gellaho
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Like you did?
FancyShark
This has to be breaking some kind of law about not involving civilians
gellaho
FancyShark
She proceeded to saw open her head
Brendan
Sure, lesbians are mad for onions, and they're always trying to eat more calcium for stronger eggs.
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Women are like moray eels, when they think they open and close their primary jaws to circulate oxygen.
Brendan
Hey
HEY
gellaho
I make an excellent point
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GIF
Brendan
Why did the baker quarrel with his landlord?
He didn't want to give more DOUGH.
FancyShark
BOOM
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GIF
Brendan
Thank you, to make stronger eggs, feed your lesbians bone meal powder. I'll be here all week, try the veal bones.
gellaho
This is where I started editing the book
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My lesbians are all free range, they get their calcium from devouring lizards and small mammals.
Brendan
Impossible! All lesbians are vegetarians by nature, you have to trick them with molasses.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Gellaho heckling his own books feels like if the hosts of MST3K started heckling the movies while they showed them.
… Wait
gellaho
A great thing to write after five pages of baseless speculation
FancyShark
Abby, you're not getting paid for this
It's a good thing farms just run themselves
gellaho
I can't believe she picked this number
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Bees arent that complicated once you get the hives set up.
"I;m pretty sure its some kind of gang tattoo, or a sex thing."
FancyShark
Meera, if this turns out to be the zodiac symbol for cancer, I'm going to be annoyed
gellaho
I prefer inkmeister, myself
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The really insufferable ones call themselves inkmaesters, and you should hit them with a stick.
gellaho
I have bad news
FancyShark
DAMMIT
Also, nice
But DAMMIT
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
♋
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hahahahah imagine being the kind of dork who gets your astrological sign tattooed on your arm.
gellaho
She's also psychic, but like a shitty psychic
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And i say that as the kind of dork who once seriously considered getting a badass flaming snake tattoo.
FancyShark
The temptation is real
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"Avoiding the grumpy" is one of the many supernatural powers of the weregrandma.
gellaho
In case you didn't know how grandparents worked
FancyShark
Psychics being killed by horses!
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The only thing standing between me and a sleeve tat composed of celtic knotwork is I dont have the cash for it.
infinite tempest jakesy
Meera knows a thing or two about women prattling
gellaho
Gottem
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Never ignore the warnings of the were grandma, its bad luck to cross them.
gellaho
Abby is positively perky about a truckload of shit
Brendan
How are these two homestead granola but they don't recognize Aquarius?
FancyShark
So far, this book reads like My First Murder Mystery
Brendan
Excuse me, cancer, I haven't been eating enough calcium-onions.
gellaho
Girlfriend, said the 28 year old cop to the retiree
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It's like a bad episode of Murder She Wrote but less erotically charged.
gellaho
That's literally what it is, so that makes sense
It's now time for my favorite sentence
infinite tempest jakesy
How many sighs can you make while biting your lip
Brendan
"The redhead licked her lips"
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Many sexy ones.
gellaho
At least, my favorite sentence not involving measuring length in tall men
infinite tempest jakesy
Meera wishes she had the talent to moisten lips
gellaho
It's so beautiful
FancyShark
Oh thank god, Meera's just insane
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lmaooooooo
Brendan
fffffuuu
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From this we can tell, Abby has no friends who are not Kat.
Brendan
Once in a while you meet someone with a ghost story
FancyShark
Kat is the nurse who changes Abby's bedpan
Brendan
And way more often than that you meet someone like Abby, who has a dozen of them.
gellaho
No, I'm not crazy! He communed with the bees! I SAW IT!
Brendan
"I've been intuiting bees all my life. It just runs in my family. My friends know to trust my 'kooky' bee feelings."
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Now in her defense, bees are really good listeners.
Brendan
FUCK SHE SAID KOOKY
FancyShark
SCOOOOOOOOPED
Brendan
BUZZED
infinite tempest jakesy
The word farmette makes me so angry
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Abby doesnt know that all French people come with Speak To Bees when you roll them.
gellaho
This is how people talk
FancyShark
Chief Bob Allen loves him a fuchsia scarf
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Imagine that, a mayoral candidate being politically driven.
infinite tempest jakesy
Someone call Shakes, because that sentence is two (in) tense(s) (using multiple tenses)
gellaho
Time for Meera Lester's tit update:
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahahahaha
Wrinkled goose eggs!
FancyShark
lol
It's so gross
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GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
Brendan
Abby, breaking character
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
gellaho
The LGBT coalition
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Does goose egg imply they are small or round or what?!
Brendan
Toots whispered conspiratorally to abby, "fui quod es, eris quod sum ."
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Do they literally look like goose eggs in a wrinkly sock?!
FancyShark
I think it means they're zeroes?
infinite tempest jakesy
Yeah I am also still confused by the unit of tit measure
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
we need an expert
gellaho
Everyone in town goes to the tough biker bar apparently
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Stop the story Meera, we need you to explain what the tits look like better.
Brendan
"I am a very heterosexual, TRADITIONAL, strong AMERICAN and I DO NOT LIKE all these hoomansensuals obscuring my goose-egg staring!"
infinite tempest jakesy
Jesus I forgot how bad she is at dialogue. Literally nobody talks like this
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
It's more of a soviet, anyway
FancyShark
And the action is thwarted
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HIT HER ANYWAY! SHE SPILLED BEER!\
gellaho
Meera really wants you to know how much she likes gay people
gellaho
She'll have this biker use out of date slurs for as long as she has to
Brendan
Okay, this is a thing but
I have an abiding love for women writing tough guys.
Guys writing tough guys badly is bad in a different way. I have trouble explaining it. It's not worse or better, it's just a thing I have noticed since Fifty Shades.
I might be making ALL of this distinction up, fuck it, cancel me.
gellaho
She really shut him up by using her own out of date slang
infinite tempest jakesy
I feel like Meera's version of a tough guy is John Travolta in Grease
Brendan
But the biker who's like, "But they do not have HUMANITY, lady!"
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I love when authors want to write a frothing bigot but feel like they cant use the real bad words so the tough biker talks like your racist grandad being on his best behavior.
infinite tempest jakesy
When a real tough guy is John Travolta in Face/Off
gellaho
And now for lavender tips
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
The investigation proceeds apace!
Brendan
And to be super duper clear, I'm not talking about authors who sell it. Strictly bad writers. I am fascinated by the different perceptions in wannabe tough dudes.
gellaho
Meera Lester's shit tips
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So I'm genuinely beginning to think Meera has ADHD or sent the wrong pages to her editors.
infinite tempest jakesy
Yeah Meera is producing plenty of manure right now
gellaho
Proffer #2
Brendan
Drunk bikers defending their masculine identity safe space are famous for heeding reason.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Yeah this is definitely commentary on her writing process.
gellaho
And some #2 proffered to the lovingly restored pickup
FancyShark
I hope she told the bees about the bigot
infinite tempest jakesy
She writes dialogue like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth
gellaho
And now, the passing of another redhead
Brendan
Bees, the name of your next target is Harlan Swagger.
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Naw, thats how you get anti-LGBT honey, the bees turn words and thoughts into honey, if you give them bad things the honey sucks.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
It's like plants, you have to give them good thoughts like heavy metal to get them to grow right
Brendan
Her name was Robert Paulsen. Presumably.
In Project Bee she had no name.
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Hahahahah she got double fungus flu and died, like a wuuuuuuuuusssss.
gellaho
Meera-I mean - Abby is soooo interesting
FancyShark
Lucas eats nothing but portabellas and shiitake in vengeance
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Okay but I would totally go listen to some Irish fiddle. That shit is poppin
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Kat........at thirty seven you just wanna go home and go to bed, fuck going out to eat.
Home by sundown and some iced tea on the porch.
gellaho
YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU MOCKED MY FARM WHEN IT HAS BECOME AN EMPIRE
FancyShark
At thirty seven, you're working, Kat
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
Empire of the Bees would have been a radder title
infinite tempest jakesy
She has the social life of John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble
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Abby is right, at this point you have to pet the cows every day so the milk is S rank, and then you have to water your crops, it doesnt leave alot of time to go looking for geodes.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
at least John got to live in a sick zorb
gellaho
Murder dog
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Aww poor doggie.
FancyShark
"She goes apeshit around bees. Is that a problem?"
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
aw man, I don't have any japes for a dog that lost its owner. that shit just makes me sad
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You can tell Meera is not all that rural despite all the tips, someones pet dog is going to be a shitty watchdog.
Hope you like guessing whether the dog is barking at a weird shaped tree or a coyote.
gellaho
Meera inserts her own dog into the story, because this isn't self-indulgent enough yet
Still a good girl though. It's not the dog's fault her writer owner's a hack
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Its like 90% shivering.
What a weird mix of dog breeds.
Probably makes a noise like a dying turkey.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
And yet probably healthier on average
gellaho
Abby asks the dog to not scratch up her furniture and then they both have a mental breakdown about it
gellaho
FancyShark
Abby is gonna let the bees handle this one
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
don't take it personally Abby, "its body quivered" is just its natural state
Brendan
There is a 10% chance that dog has eaten human flesh.
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Its got whippet in there so you really have to be nicer, Abby, they are really emotionally fragile.
If you dont then you get submissive peeing, and that is just a whole cycle of badness.
Brendan
I saw a corgi/dachshund mix today.
gellaho
I agree with myself, fuck off
Brendan
I'm going to call it a dorky
infinite tempest jakesy
We already have bees, the last thing we need is pees
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
that must have been an interesting hookup
Brendan
My lab puppy in high school chewed up the legs of the china hutch--
and my adorable parents were like "This is a valuable antique! It belonged to Eugene O'Neil's mistress!"
gellaho
Brendan
anyway, she's dead now.
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"big girl" meaning granny.
Brendan
BLOOMERS
infinite tempest jakesy
Wait so she established in the previous paragraph that this thing was already beat to shit, why would she care about more scratches
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Ew she let the dog WATCH.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"restorative bath" like she's climbing out of the shrine of resurrection
FancyShark
Ra's Abby Ghul
infinite tempest jakesy
Something doesn't add up here
gellaho
This version of California is apparently West Virginia a century ago
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Pickaxes?
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol is he a 49er?
Brendan
When that man told her he loved drilling big tunnels, she thought she'd found a partner for life.
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What the fuck, Meera, this isnt fucking Minecraft.
Brendan
The wandering call of the bore press
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
She packed him a big sack lunch that day, he had to beat the hell out of some Pinkertons during the West Califorginia Coal Wars
Ramb$ne
That's a 500 mile tunnel she just described
gellaho
To the wine cave!
Brendan
*lunch pail
Olive wine for all!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
too poor for lunch pails
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
the famous California Chunnel!
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol is this guy a mole or something
Brendan
lunch bindle. Burlap, not gingham. We ain't fancy folk.
infinite tempest jakesy
Just loves digging holes and shit
FancyShark
A thousand windows? Abby, do you have any idea what that costs?
Ramb$ne
It would actually have to go through the San Francisco Bay at some point so you're more right than you'd know!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
man, sign me up for civil engineering!
infinite tempest jakesy
But also it would be almonds, not olives
gellaho
That's Stone Cold's music!
infinite tempest jakesy
Do your research Meera
Brendan
Hi, I'm Louis May Alcott, author of the Newbery Award Winning STRAWBERRY GIRL. We all think about a life drilling tunnels for Elon Musk, but have you ever considered the human cost? join me, won't you, in listening to the tale the BEES have to tell...
infinite tempest jakesy
Fuckin finally, he's come to give her a much deserved stunner
Ramb$ne
They grow a lot of olives north of sac
Basically in the famous wine band
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
I did not know this
Brendan
FOCK FEAR
gellaho
Abby lives next to an old haunted house
Brendan
maybe the jaw is a U but it has an umlaut made of eye sockets
Ramb$ne
Italian families moved out here to do wine and some started olive orchards on the side
Brendan
I worked so many branded article campaigns for wineries run by this couple
Dear, now that we're 43, I think it would be fun to buy $20m worth of land and never put any work into it.
Brendan
This tracks.
FancyShark
Abby is the town narc
Brendan
How many lemon trees though
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Olives just kind of start happening once you get X number of Italians.
gellaho
This is where I had an existential crisis
infinite tempest jakesy
They reached Peak Gabagool
Brendan
Abby crossstiches a sampler that says JEFFERSON STATE SECESSION OR BLOOD
Great, now I want baclava
FancyShark
Dammit, now I want baclava too
gellaho
It's a C- third grade book report on honey
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The only thing you should do with that much honey is make homemade mead.
gellaho
Fucking garbage
Ramb$ne
i read balaclava so i thought you'd be wrapping your heads in phyllo and dreching yourselves in honey
gellaho
"Cuck," said the squirrel
FancyShark
That does sound good
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
the tuber moon rises once again....
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Beware the full moon and sow no crops, for the full moon is the time of the weregrandma.
gellaho
Hormones: how do they work
gellaho
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Delicious heirloom beans.
infinite tempest jakesy
Heirloom bean. Is that some some of weird pussy reference
Ramb$ne
so is this lady just trying to indoctrinate everyone with cottagecore while pretending there's a murder mystery going on?
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If only.
infinite tempest jakesy
Dammit Meera
gellaho
gellaho
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There was definitely a murder, Meera is just ignoring it.
Ramb$ne
cottagecore is more important anyway
infinite tempest jakesy
I don't want to know the realization
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That dog is clearly going to start telling Abby to kill again.
gellaho
She can't leave her underwear all over the place or keep uneaten sandwiches out
Because apparently she did that a lot
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol those smells should not be similar
Brendan
She had me at the cover, can't lie.
gellaho
Time to meet the love interest
infinite tempest jakesy
The love interest:
GIF
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"willowy" nice, her bark is nice and smooth and her arms are perfect for whipping disobedient children.
gellaho
The fuck is a seedling
gellaho
And a grown ass woman saying OMG
Brendan
I grow heirloom beans, and I can tell you they actually do plant themselves.
FancyShark
And now I look forward to Kat's demise
Brendan
However, they grow faster if you do the work.
infinite tempest jakesy
Is it true that they're the magical fruit?
And the more you eat, the more you toot
Brendan
Maybe she just likes being bent over, you don't know.
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GIF
Brendan
Maybe she often weeps at the edge of ponds.
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Also she needs to be more careful and maybe not wear heels? She seems to trip a lot.
Brendan
Does this book detour into talking about VCOs and why abby will only use milk paint?
FancyShark
NO! DON'T GIVE IT IDEAS!
Brendan
I like to think Kat learned English watching American DVD of Sitcom Telelaughter and so she thinks all USA Yankee are be saying "Girlfriend" like on hit 1990 show Living Single.
gellaho
So, you want to know why she spent so much time talking about how hot the gay French pastry chef was? Because there's a Boner brother!
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Like pro tip, y'all, dont wear your high heels to do gardening work, the plants dont appreciate how nice they make your legs and butt look.
Brendan
What was Tallulah's last name?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"Yeah, too bad he died, but don't worry; they have a spare."
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol boner, nice
gellaho
Berry
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"hon hon hon, check out moi massive Bonheur!"
gellaho
Dora the bridge explorer
Ramb$ne
i'm interpreting this as a challenge
Brendan
Bonheur & Berry: Pastry Detectives. Picture a whole series of THEM solving crimes before it ends with chef's strangulation by Cake Moriarty.
Ramb$ne
i'd read the Bonheur Boys Case Files
Brendan
You need those protagonists clumsy so readers will see themselves in her.
gellaho
Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen,
FancyShark
"I'm sorry about your brother. He was filled with rage and died with his lungs collapsing from lack of air. You want a drink?"
gellaho
And with the suicide, things could return to normal
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I was already doing that when I imagined she was Gillian Anderson.
infinite tempest jakesy
Bonheur Boys Casefiles #1: The Case of the Crossed Swords
gellaho
We could all breathe a sigh of relief, if it was a suicide
Brendan
In Russian bachelor party, marriageable woman fall INTO cake!
Very clumsy she is
Also was push
Out cake window
by Putins
AM RUSSKI
Please clap.
gellaho
Brendan
"And I was a real creep doing so!"
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GIF
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Don't use honey. That shit gets everywhere and takes forever to get out.
Brendan
Don't use whipped cream, either.
STANK
Ramb$ne
weirdly enough?
whipped honey gets the job done
FancyShark
The bees immediately clock the brother as a threat and sting him to death
infinite tempest jakesy
The Bonheur Brothers can eat a honeycomb all day
Brendan
That man could suck a honeycomb dry and not crinkle a single hexagon.
gellaho
Squeezing balls
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Ladies. And gentlemen.
infinite tempest jakesy
Just like Nick Cage in John Travolta in Face/Off
gellaho
Boner
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
hahaha I'm totally supposed to be picturing JCVD if he aged a little more gracefully here, aren't I.
Ramb$ne
"your name's boner?"
"muhmommatukone"
Brendan
Gendarme, I inzizt you zolve zis MAIRDAIR of mon FRERE [hacking noise] immediatement!
gellaho
"I haff not had un thin cigarette in nearly three hours, mademoiselle"
Ramb$ne
oh man if this suddenly becomes "farm lesbian tries to date gay poirot'
i will not be able to divert my attention
infinite tempest jakesy
You know it's gonna
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GIF
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"I just wanted to see ze sword"
FancyShark
Phil, you're from Boston. Drop the act
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
don't give me hope
Brendan
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Bonner--AH, Bone--nip-BONER me me my, my nipple boner in? Bonheur vagina. FUCK! Bonheur. Pleased I am. My honeycomb."
gellaho
AND WHERE IS LE BERET DU MOI
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
Ramb$ne
his name is Philip Boner. i can't.
Brendan
Everyone laughed at this and Russia but gets real uncomfortable when my accents wander outside of Europe.
gellaho
You thought I was kidding
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Philip Boner and Edouard Beef IN: The Bonheur Brothers Presents: A Very Boner Christmas.
infinite tempest jakesy
"Wee wee, tabernac baguette hoh hoh"
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Asking politely for permission and then doing it anyway.
Yup, this guy's French.
Ramb$ne
Philippe and Maxime "Max" Bonheur in: Bonheur Boys Case Files #75: Maximum Intensity
Brendan
This man's pain is played for laughs because he has a minitel.
In my head, at least, because it's still 1991 in this book.
gellaho
He was, how you say, "Le gay"
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I can feel the beret in his back pocket.
infinite tempest jakesy
"Meera and the Bonheur Brothers: She's a grower, they're the show-ers"
See because she's a farmer- you know what I'll see myself out
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Ironically, that argument was about Jean-Louis using a weird folding method instead of the traditional one for croissants and the biker was really offended.
Brendan
Farmer? I barely even POLICE her!
gellaho
Time for the horniness to begin!
Ramb$ne
ok so if there's a bee around and a bee stings you?
it releases attack pheromones
FancyShark
Abby begins working on turning herself into a bee so she can get closer to his face
Ramb$ne
this dude's dead if he's near the hive
infinite tempest jakesy
Oh no there's horniness
Brendan
She met the man mourning his brother's death that morning and wondered what his stinger would feel like in her flesh.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Again, Abby doesnt know the rules and that French people can use Speak With Bees.
gellaho
Dream big
FancyShark
I mean, I'd like free granite countertops
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Wow a whole ten thousand dollars. Dude she has a farm in Napa Valley.
infinite tempest jakesy
How much do writing lessons cost
FancyShark
$10K sounds about right for granite countertops
gellaho
For everyone interested in moving bees
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Like 10k isnt even enough for a car, I wouldnt solve the murder of a gay baker for less than 25 just on principle.
Like the hours youd have to put in on that alone.......
gellaho
Thanks, Meera
infinite tempest jakesy
I think she's getting paid in Bonheur as well
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Or just dont get stung by bees.
MEERA.
infinite tempest jakesy
The simplest treatment for fatigue is sleeping- Wakesy Jakesy Apartmette Almenac
Brendan
The simplest treatment for a dull ache in legs is not eating slugs. --Me!
gellaho
Meera saw a guy riding a bike with his dogs, and decided she needed to shame him in this book
gellaho
FancyShark
The simplest treatment for hunger is to eat food. You're welcome, starving people.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Also if you move a hive, you have to use smoke to make the bees sleepy, or the move will stress them out.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
I prefer to make them sleepy by reading this book to them
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Nobody likes stressed bees.
Brendan
Our hero wanders a small town snitching on everyone to Chief Bob Allen
gellaho
Never want to get stung in the boner
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Report him for.........having dogs?
infinite tempest jakesy
Why does he keep trying to speak French to her
FancyShark
Because he's a dick
I mean, a boner
gellaho
Bee gut rupture, orgasm
infinite tempest jakesy
You're not supposed to have dogs in baskets, you're only supposed to berate them for scratching your fucked up cabinets
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Ouf, le main du masterber
FancyShark
Phil would have survived if he had gotten an epipen in time. Except someone was too busy talking about orgasms to get him to the hospital
infinite tempest jakesy
"Buttering the ol' baguette"
FancyShark
"Pugelizing le clown"
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"Madame, why are you quoting le pop songs at moi?! I need medecin! I do not want to go to bed with you right now!"
infinite tempest jakesy
He requires Bonheur pills
FancyShark
The bees have already stolen his wallet and racked up so many fraudulent charges on his card
gellaho
Later, at the police station
gellaho
Abby thinks this injury is hilarious
infinite tempest jakesy
Wait Chief who?
FancyShark
That's Chief BOB Allen
Show some respect, Sherman
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I like how you just wrote "hate"
FancyShark
"I was tell you how I hurt myself. Why are you laughing, you fucking sociopath?"
gellaho
If I haven't called Abby a bitch in this book somewhere, I'd be surprised
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Nettie needs to sue her employer, that is a clear violation.
I mean gas for an MRAP is expensive, but cmon dude. You lose more money in these lawsuits than you save by using dangerous furniture, just use the expired CS gas for a few more months.
gellaho
Black and white photographs in 2015
gellaho
"The occasion would have been a funeral," wrote the professional writer
Brendan
Is this guy too French to understand bees?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Oh god Chief Bob Allen is THAT kind of fucker, a photo filter one.
FancyShark
I mean, it might be a black sash. Monochrome pictures rob some nuance from the image
infinite tempest jakesy
Having been a funeral, the chief is was weren't the same tense again
gellaho
They just give out police evidence, right?
Brendan
So the Chief Bob Allen thing is a dig at his self-importance, right?
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"Not for fucking, for treating your horrible bee wounds, I mean."
"Maybe some fucking, after the venom is drained."
infinite tempest jakesy
With my dick
FancyShark
Or because Meera thinks a name that starts with the first three letters of the alphabet backwards is clever
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"I mean you GOT that big hand already, might as well do something with it."
Brendan
"So this is kind of a reversal: I mean, me, pulling an organ out of your engorged flesh..." tittered the wholesome homesteader, mortaring a poultice.
gellaho
FancyShark
I've been stung! Someone go get my mystery novel!
infinite tempest jakesy
Thanks, Wikipedia
Brendan
WikiHow to solve a cozy murder.
gellaho
Explain to me how it is
Brendan
Can't even tell you how often I need to get my henhouse to a new location before the police arrive.
FancyShark
Yes, if the move happened before, then it clearly is something already done, Meera
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Meera, chickens are so fucking stupid if you just leave them in one place they automatically assume they were always there.
gellaho
I really enjoyed this extremely detailed description of getting dressed
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ylang-ylang, that thing that everyone knows what it smells like and is.
Brendan
"I'm ready for our date!" giggled the independent farmer, stepping onto the porch to solve his brother's murder.
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Also Abby smells like a grandma.
infinite tempest jakesy
Yeah we all know what that is, it's the technical name for the fancy S everyone drew in high school
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Sadly Philip Boner is allergic to floral scents.
gellaho
Left myself a little post it note
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HE HAS INSULTED OUR AMERICAN CHEESE! KILL HIM!
infinite tempest jakesy
I laughed out loud at "this cheese is terrible"
gellaho
Let's see. Yes, that is quite horny
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I am now convinced he is the murderer.
Brendan
It's wisconsin port wine, you swine, i thought you people liked those two things
Brendan
Has he given her a single sign?
infinite tempest jakesy
The emphasis on the two fingers thing makes me uncomfortable
Brendan
If my brother died, I would be so unhorny, no matter how French my turtleneck.
infinite tempest jakesy
Existing While French
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Only by being French.
If my brother died I would absolutely bone down tho.
gellaho
Do you get it? He's French!
FancyShark
Way to kill the mood, asshole
infinite tempest jakesy
He's going to place himself in her hands or mouth
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M-m-m-MAXIMUM FRENCH!
gellaho
Ze threesome, mademoiselle?
Brendan
Well we all grieve in our own cheese style.
infinite tempest jakesy
Is the third going to be a swarm of bees
Brendan
For a French guy, he sure is Dutch.
gellaho
We eat like ze fuck?
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Abby doing a bad job concealing how horny she is.
gellaho
Brendan
Kat shows up with vodka.
infinite tempest jakesy
Wait I've got just the guy
FancyShark
[HOLLOW OUT TARGET]
[BEGIN CONSTRUCT MOBILE HIVE]
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
Brendan
This scene is really undoing my outlier support for this book.
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Philip orders the classic French dessert: Cannoli, just like his brother used to make.
gellaho
Knees weak, pulse is thready
FancyShark
Yayy! Brendan's joining us in the hate section!
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Immediately reams the cream out with his tongue, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Brendan
Bro's cannoli
FancyShark
Meanwhile, her crops have been consumed by aphids
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Abby is so horny shes about to go into cardiac arrest.
Brendan
She's hoping that he can cure her lonely
Brendan
Dessert time: pastry's holy
gellaho
Twist: he's fucking Canadian
FancyShark
DECEPTION!
infinite tempest jakesy
TABERNAC!
Brendan
She looks calm but underneath she's horny solely
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ZUT ALORS!
FancyShark
Abby, it's the easiest thing in the world to stop being horny. Just remind yourself he'll never touch you and the mere thought would make him vomit. Then you're golden.
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Or just rub one out in the bathroom.
Brendan
Just smile and grab his dick under the table, all of this is labor.
infinite tempest jakesy
If you want to stick to the murder mystery theme just pull a Lansbury and blast yourself in the bathtub
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I always assume thats why ladies take so much time in the bathroom anyway.
Brendan
If I could have no-trace orgasms with immediate rebound I would never write another word of comedy.
Cue Javo.
infinite tempest jakesy
Ope, there goes gravity
Brendan
There goes Abby she
gellaho
They go through the evidence the police gave them for some reason. Then fairy rings
gellaho
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Okay but dont come complaining to me when you have to start leaving milk and honey and booze out for the sidhe, Meera.
infinite tempest jakesy
Fairy ring, is that more horny shit or is it actually a thing
FancyShark
It's a real fake thing
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Yeah its a thing, its usually a ring of mushrooms.
FancyShark
Like, a real decoration
gellaho
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They just grow like that sometimes.
infinite tempest jakesy
The almanac tips might somehow be the worst thing in this book
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
The famous bird call "worky-worky-worky"
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol
FancyShark
The mating call of the Almost Chocobo
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I prefer "dibby dibby doo, dibby doo dibby doo".
infinite tempest jakesy
I think she has a flock of robins Williams
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Meera, fun bird fact, the barred owl has a call that sounds like "who cooks for you all".
A homeless person finds newspaper useful? VERY suspicious.
FancyShark
Maybe he was selling fish, Abby
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Boy Abby is really focused on the harmless old homeless woman right now.
Gonna stitch up that poor old woman like she did that Turkish rug salesman.
gellaho
Maybe free-range bees were a bad idea
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
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Abby.........I think maybe you dont know enough about beekeeping.
gellaho
Had to skin a whole bunch of children for these gloves
Brendan
Abby, if you have to do all these tricks to keep them, are they really your bees? We talked about this after Clay.
GUYS, WAS CLAY A BEE
Ramb$ne
it's honestly more gruesome to think she turned baby goats into leather
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Like.........I think all you have to do to keep bees from leaving is make the hole too small to drag the queen out of.
Or just........make them not wanna leave?
Like they dont abandon a hive casually.
gellaho
Time for the handsome widower to show up
Ramb$ne
i mean colony collapse disorder's totally a thing but you really gotta take a running start at that
FancyShark
"I can't love so quickly after Clay left so suddenly" is a million times more Misery if that's the case. God, I hope that's the case.
Ramb$ne
"Hambone what brings you to today's Book Cage"
"they were talking about bees."
gellaho
Sexy bee suit disrobing
Brendan
I saw a video of a goat hunger strike its llama friend's absence, and then jump off the walls when reunited, and that ruined chivo for me at the butcher.
Goats am nice.
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Jesus Abby, you just got done flooding a restaurant about the French guy.
gellaho
Horny, but also, incomprehensible
FancyShark
On the Wings of a Beekeeper
Ramb$ne
i think she just described Steelhead
Brendan
James Bond averages 2.1 babes per movie, she's within bounds.
FancyShark
FancyShark
How many bees does he have?
gellaho
Abby is a brilliant detective
Brendan
Does a PPK count?
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FancyShark
Still the hottest thing ever said on a date
Brendan
Abby doesn't do a lot of cop thinking.
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Too horny for cop thinking.
FancyShark
"Why would a sexy man stop by to help me? That's weird."
Brendan
Has she even planted evidence on a personal enemy yet?
FancyShark
Kat meanwhile be like "HIT THAT SHIT"
gellaho
Yes, I'm sure the guy who leases businesses is also into tiny illegal marijuana farms
Ramb$ne
that' is actually a commen phenomenon where i live
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I mean yeah its a good source of tax free income.
FancyShark
"No, wait. Lou Dobbs. Won't shut up about finances."
Ramb$ne
they'll just trespass onto a quiet corner of 20-40 acres and just plant and hope nobody notices
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Alot of fields around here also have a bit of marijuana or something.
Whos even gonna notice in all that corn?
gellaho
But I'm sure the guy subletting to Subway isn't involved
FancyShark
So did Meera do her homework or get lucky guessing?
gellaho
Almost
FancyShark
Lock your doors. There are bees out here.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Sometimes when you are high as shit, nothing will do like a footlong and a cookie. Its all revenue, bay bee.
Demand for one drives demand for the other/
Ramb$ne
i think Meera may have lived in SF for a bit or just reads newspapers from around here
gellaho
Abby never needs to water her crops. A handsome man just needs to show up
Brendan
These books usually have one bad boy and one good man. We just have Phil.
infinite tempest jakesy
She can fix the hole
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Abby needs to get laid so bad, she can barely think straight.
gellaho
Ooh, all over little ol' me?
Ramb$ne
the whole let's go have a farm out in the woods/hills thing was huge with the back to the land movement
gellaho
Also, Canadian
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Devils threesome with the cowboy and the Frenchman.
Brendan
I mean, I visited Redding for half a day and learned about the pot farm politics.
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Right there on the grassy sward.
Go for it Meera, give the bees a show.
gellaho
Make your own soap! But, only for four baths
infinite tempest jakesy
I…huh?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Pooh Bear, probably
infinite tempest jakesy
One of the ingredients in the soap is soap
FancyShark
Are you eating the soap? How can you only have enough for four baths?
gellaho
And half a cup of honey
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lol unless you make your own essential oils this is really stupid.
gellaho
You know, that thing that isn't sticky at all
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If you do its really time consuming.
FancyShark
There's waffle in the waffles!
gellaho
infinite tempest jakesy
I decide which oils are essential. I am the megabiome
gellaho
Fuck your heirloom popcorn, Meera
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I agree, fuck you, Meera.
Heirloom popcorn my fuckin balls.
FancyShark
Heirloom popcorn is potpourri
Brendan
ME but what a waste of ingredients. Get a foam pump, honey,
infinite tempest jakesy
She needs some kind of pump that's for sure
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I mean glass gem corn can make a neat looking popcorn but still.
gellaho
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okay he rocketed by being French and is now just an asshole.
Wait, is he negging her?
gellaho
Cake boy
Brendan
My hometown theater had this, ruled, and just closed. I am sad. Will no earthy redhead cheer ME?
FancyShark
"What's wrong, Phil? Why don't you consume baked goods to take your mind off your murdered baker brother?"
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"Yeah I called him cake boy, because he is white and I want to fill him with cream. What's that? Twink? Never heard of it."
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"What, you mean twinkie? like the snack cake? Fuck outta heeyah"
infinite tempest jakesy
Well I'm still going to be the cake boy on account of never missing leg day
gellaho
Meera wants you to know that Dobbs is a bad person, so she's just throwing everything at the wall. Even if it doesn't really make sense
gellaho
infinite tempest jakesy
But the other thing is good too I guess
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"You foreigners, always wanting to turn a hetero man on man dumpster bukkake into something sexual."
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Lou Dobbs? Always thought he was a shitheel.
gellaho
Like going from saying he wouldn't renew the lease because he was gay, then calling him a "Castro clone"
infinite tempest jakesy
Which Castro tho
Brendan
Gay dollars just don't spend the same, moans NorCal landlord.
Ramb$ne
Castro as in the autocrat or Castro as in Castro District?
CD is famously very gay
FancyShark
Hell yes on the title
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Fidel Castro, a notorious gay communist baker.
I mean he did hate landlords, so...........
LyraV
I thought today was Saturday and have missed all the action!
Ramb$ne
yeah dude Meera spent like one summer in SF and decided she was a NorCal native
LyraV
I'll scroll up 😅
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There's still more left!
infinite tempest jakesy
Summary: Meera horny
Ramb$ne
also bees
gellaho
OK
gellaho
FancyShark
You have missed very little action. A baker was murdered. The MC is a horny lady who keeps bees and used to be a cop. And she's thirsty for the dead guy's brother
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Been there. Hambone had to patiently explain to me that no, it isnt Saturday night not that long ago too.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
who is in all likelihood JCVD
Ramb$ne
patience was never part of the deal.
FancyShark
There's also a love triangle going on with the MC, the baker bro and a beekeeper widow
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I GOT IT FOR FREE AND YOU DIDNT EVEN REALIZE! HAHAHA!
LyraV
They spent hours cleaning up the toilet paper afterwards tho so was the Rocky Horror Picture Show really worth it?
Brendan
Try THAT in a small town!
FancyShark
We also got recipes for soap and moving bees
Brendan
...when did we get a Clem emoji?
gellaho
Ramb$ne
i drew it for when he's not around
FancyShark
Get Nitro and I can get you in to the vaults
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I love how a young man being enthusiastic for a very specific movie causes Abby to think "Huh. He must really like movies."
gellaho
Proffer #3
LyraV
In my very small high school speech class I gave a speech on the dances of Rocky Horror and promised my teacher I'd show the time warp. I instead showed Tim Curry doing 'Sweet Transvestite' and watching their reactions is one of my happier memories.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
oh but when it's Star Wars suddenly it's a red flag all of a sudden, I see how it is
Ramb$ne
we don't make the rules we just enforce them
gellaho
Abby makes a very confusing comment about a bolo tie
gellaho
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Wait..........what?!
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahaha why
FancyShark
Sick burn...?
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Is she thinking maybe its the murder weapon?
Brendan
I save my money for heirloom beans, thank you.
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But.........im pretty sure they established that the homeless lady cut him down........
gellaho
Get it? He's fat!
FancyShark
Wise. The offer stands, tho
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Meera were you so busy with fucking bee facts you forgot your own plot?!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
That classic pitfall
LyraV
Are bolo ties meant to hold things and I've just never been made aware of that?
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I can throw in a Jason Pargin soundboard if that's what it takes for the dog to bite.
Ramb$ne
i think she's saying he has a big neck?
FancyShark
The bees garroted the baker. Come on, Meera. It's like you think we haven't read one of these before.
Ramb$ne
like there's just not enough string to get around his neck?
infinite tempest jakesy
Everyone knows you don't measure bolos by their length, you do it by their age
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This Sherlock Holmes shit is tired, Meera, go back to the horny.
gellaho
Meera would love for you to give her a round of applause for her bravery
FancyShark
Because bigots famously clam up when you point out they're bigots
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"Actually no, I just think he made shitty pastries. You know what kind of techniques he used?! He's supposed to be a French chef but he kept yelling about Solar Gauntlets and shit."
FancyShark
GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
Kept talking about his Bonheur
LyraV
This cleared up absolutely nothing.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
That's a very fucking specific measurement that takes one out of the story.
FancyShark
Hell yes, new title, @Ramb$ne
gellaho
"You shouldn't judge people. Also, you obviously snore too loud actually sleep in the same room with your wife, you fat piece of shit"
infinite tempest jakesy
Americans will do anything to avoid using the metric system
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I think what I really need to do is read an awful book I own and give it annotations like this.
Then again that's what ebooks are good for.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
My husband snores horribly and after all these years I 100% can sleep through it.
gellaho
Eating pie to cheer yourself up
infinite tempest jakesy
The boner guy is eating some pie you say
FancyShark
You know what kind of-
DAMMIT, SCOOPED
gellaho
And you know what that means
infinite tempest jakesy
Abby wants him to eat her pie, interesting tell me more Meera
gellaho
Pie recipe!
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahahaha god dammit
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"Oh mais non, it was terrible like everything else in America. I just wanted to bring her back to your home for group sex. Is that not what you meant by that wine choice?"
FancyShark
It's the low country because it's populated by-
nope
Ramb$ne
not even using a homemade crust
get out
the bees are disappointed, Meera
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
My friend keeps telling me I need to write a novel with recipes in. 😐
LyraV
Oh so it's one of THOSE books.
FancyShark
You get a store-bought crust, it better be oreo or what's the damn point?
infinite tempest jakesy
Is your friend Meera Lester
Ramb$ne
i'm still not unconvinced girl's writing a travellogue about her San Francisco vacation
LyraV
I have read books about a murder solving caterer and a murder solving alchemist (with a gargoyle) that both have recipes throughout.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Not to my knowledge 🤔
gellaho
PUT BOURBON IN IT
FancyShark
You'd know
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Bourbon is delicious.
gellaho
AT LEAST A FULL HANDLE
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Fuck yeah, get fucked up on pie.
Ramb$ne
the only good pecan is a drunk pecan
we call it Bonheur Pie
LyraV
How else are you going to know you've eaten unless you're wasted? Side dish, Jello Shots.
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Id eat the shit out of a pie that could get me a nice buzz going.
LyraV
Perfect 🤣
Ramb$ne
you'll get hoisted up by your own pecan
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If im drunk enough on pie to have a "See where the night goes" attitude, yeah maybe.
Ramb$ne
i've definitely baked 20% alcohol into bread before
gellaho
Actually got halfway through the 300 page book, sweet
FancyShark
Hell yeah!
infinite tempest jakesy
Oh god there's more
gellaho
Will be finished next week
FancyShark
We halfway did it!
Ramb$ne
year. of. pain!
FancyShark
Stellar riffing, everyone
infinite tempest jakesy
Ms. M'Lester lives to fight another day
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Im kind of enjoying this one.
LyraV
Glad I caught the end thanks everyone!!
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
See you next week
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Bees and a horny lady go a long way.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
I'll BEE looking forward to it!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Especially if the bees are chasing her.
Ramb$ne
that's what i've been telling folks for years
FancyShark
Have a great night!
infinite tempest jakesy
I haven't been to a Book Cage in a while but for ESPN Classic Book Cage I feel compelled
FancyShark
Hopefully, @infinite tempest jakesy , we'll learn the brother did it
infinite tempest jakesy
We old heads who defeated Meera ages ago need to ensure that she never rises again
FancyShark
FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Abby is definitely the kind of ex cop cottagecore farmer who fucks a murderer.
infinite tempest jakesy
FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!!! WHICH IT ALWAYS IS!!!
gellaho
I mean, she still hasn't told the bees the gay French chef died
FancyShark
God, that line was amazing
infinite tempest jakesy
Fuck you're right
There's so much more to go
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I'll have to scroll up and catch up
I definitely need to watch gellaho's movies too
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 101.5 - A Beeline to Murder Part 2
"You know, I haven't yet told the bees that Jean-Louis is gone. No, listen. The chef actually came out to the farmette to inspect the bees. He wasn't afraid. He just walked to the hives and stood there, watching and listening, as if he was tuning in to the bees and allowing the bees to sense him."
Tune in to the bees, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
FancyShark
Notice Rhys Bowen makes no mention of a murder mystery
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Tune your ear to the frequency of bees, and cross reference by the latitude and longitude of a heart in agony.
Listen.
Listen.
infinite tempest jakesy
I hope to god they didn't make a Second in the Series
OH NO ITS A TRILOGY
Aaahhhhhhh she even used the same pull quote on the front
FancyShark
Book Nine: The Bees Find Out
infinite tempest jakesy
They're also all over 350 pages
Like how
FancyShark
oh, we've seen how. She pads out the mystery by ignoring it and throwing in mundane conversations she's fantasized about
infinite tempest jakesy
This is true, we have seen this
Still she must be stopped
Retroactively
What's the opposite of a Minority Report
We need that
Ak, Brockwegian Trapmaster
the phrase "farmette in the Bay area" made me gag involuntarily
FancyShark
Time Assassin: "Let's go kill Hitler!"
Jakesy: [points gun at assassin] "I'm commandeering this time machine."
infinite tempest jakesy
Oh yeah that's by far the most infuriating part. Every time she says farmette I instinctively spray CFCs into the air to kill more bees
gellaho
There's something very wrong with those grapes
Ak, Brockwegian Trapmaster
just the bougiest possible phrase
infinite tempest jakesy
Also why are her desserts always so flat and wide
gellaho
Her farm appears to have become wasteland
FancyShark
Fallout: Napa Valley doesn't have the same ring to it
infinite tempest jakesy
Henny Penny Farmette is the single douchiest thing ever written and it's not even close
You can feel the trust fund oozing out of that title
gellaho
It's what the bees commanded her to call it
FancyShark
The banner and font used for "A Henny Penny Farmette Mystery" smacks of "Scholastic Book Fair turned me down?"
infinite tempest jakesy
They were afraid that the students would never want to read again
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
"Farmette" is that when you grow a few container plants on the front stoop of your townhouse?
infinite tempest jakesy
I think it's when your parents own 3 acres of land in Liverpool and you want to cosplay as a idyllic homesteader
gellaho
Or when you've written 15 self help books and your bees tell you to write about murder
infinite tempest jakesy
Is it really self help though if the bees are the ones writing it
Really makes you think
gellaho
A little over an hour until A Beeline to Murder concludes. Here is a preview of the next chapter
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"Flawed wine"-ing is all this book has been doing for 9 chapters
FancyShark
Pretty sure jug wine is spoiled juice
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Box wine will get you just as fucked up as anything, and nobody can tell the difference once youve poured.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Box wine has a lot of advantages over bottled TBH
We used it in cooking school
Emergency Stount Cerril
Anything with a tap that lets you get a glass or less and save the rest.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
There's no good reason to use real cork and a lot of good reasons not to.
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
FancyShark
Just think, Jakesy: you could destroy this woman's entire life by eating something she prepared and then saying "it was good, but the wine you used was flawed"
LyraV
That is some classy destruction.
FancyShark
It would be rude to ignore the flashing red weakness if it's being broadcast
gellaho
Buzz buzz
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Let's BEE-gin the process!!!!
LyraV
Oh the dog on the cover yes please 🤣
What happened to its ears?!
infinite tempest jakesy
Oh I'm beelining to murder alright
FancyShark
She better inform the bees this time or so help me
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
No— no! What are you doing?! Let go of me you fools! I have all of you on fucking lists! You can't do this to me—!!
muffled gunshot
LyraV
It looks super happy to eat that chicken that is I guess in the background?
Tell Robert we said "Hi!" and pet his baby goats if you can.
FancyShark
Hell yes and hello, @Emergency Stount Cerril !
gellaho
The soothing vibrations of a close relative
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Mostly the baby goats, you can say whatever you want to Robert.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
They purr. Like cats.
infinite tempest jakesy
Her great aunt was a purring cat
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
The relatives, not the goats.
FancyShark
I assume there's going to be a test on these characters
infinite tempest jakesy
Scooping myself
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
No description of knobbly knuckles too?
gellaho
I'm going to tell my bees how ridiculous that is
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Wait does this lady talk to her bees? (I missed last time)
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Jokes on Abby, bees are way into new age shit.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Yes.
infinite tempest jakesy
Not yet. But she will
FancyShark
Not yet! She takes them for granted!
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
If anyone has a vibration it's the bees
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
I really can't point any fingers because I talk to my cats all the time. But at least cats can talk back.
FancyShark
Bees aren't going to drop everything just because YOUR schedule is open, Meera
gellaho
If only there were something that could be cut from this book to reduce it's length
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Honestly, if anything could understand humans it would be bees.
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol power breakfast at the pancake house
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It's why they sting us to death when they can.
infinite tempest jakesy
These emo bands are out of control
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
💥 POWER PANCAKE BREAKFAST 💥
gellaho
The girdle is frosty
FancyShark
SMASH THAT WILDBERRY SYRUP IN YOUR FACE
infinite tempest jakesy
IHOP MORE LIKE ISTOMP, MOTHERFUCKERS
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
They do bench presses between stacks of flapjacks.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Pushups into a stack of flapjacks
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF HYPECAKES
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
GETTIN FLAP-JACKED
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Tear phone books in half with the power of Christ and maple syrup.
infinite tempest jakesy
Not one real life person has ever spoken like this
FancyShark
Not unless they were a reploid
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"The girdle is frosty" is how Bill Shatner handwaves the extra pounds he put on between shoots
gellaho
Just becoming more and more skeletal
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
"The girdle is frosty" sounds like code for a dowager is due for a hump
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Old Italian ladies who run jewelry shops with their husbands are the number one demographic for reploid replacement.
FancyShark
Lidia/Meera must be insufferable at parties
gellaho
OK, but how about this?
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heheheheh. Prong.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
"And the tiny flecks of blood from the child miners..."
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
If your mounting prong is loose it might be time to back off on the KY jelly.
infinite tempest jakesy
Filigree deez nuts
FancyShark
I'm gonna need to sit down before the relentless pace knocks me out
gellaho
Lidia with the footlong fingers
FancyShark
IS SHE STEADY?! IS SHE-
oh she is
I need to read faster
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol how do you splay your fingers
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
GIF
FancyShark
Just stretch them as far from each other as possible
gellaho
Just some vital information
FancyShark
The hair twisting is going to pay off in spades in act three
infinite tempest jakesy
The classic Edwardian style we all know
FancyShark
I think it's legit funny when a book talks down to the reader about pointless shit
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Arthur Conan Doyle wished he could write scenes as gripping as "Old lady remembers small detail, muses about air conditioning."
gellaho
DAMN TEENS AND THEIR SUPER SODAS
FancyShark
Stupid teens and their love of antique jewelry
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol did she put Big Gulp in a thesaurus?
That's what that is right
FancyShark
Easily
Imagine her up at 3am yelling at the publisher that it needs to be a Big Gulp or the scene falls apart
gellaho
A small town just full of white women with dreadlocks
infinite tempest jakesy
I think I also figured out why half the characters speak like aliens: she's find/replacing a bunch of words with "synonyms" to mix it up
FancyShark
How dare this unruly young mother not observe proper chotchky etiquette!
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This scene needs to reveal that the woman is a Predator and Predators just live in Napa Valley and its normal.
GIF
Brendan
Try having dreadlocks in a jewelry store in a small town.
FancyShark
Picking up designer skulls and tossing them over their shoulders
gellaho
Goddammit, you're from fucking Canada and live in New York
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"What do you MEAN they dont suit my eyes?!"
gellaho
Stop pretending like you're fresh of the boat from France
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Nobody is more deliberately French than someone from Canada.
FancyShark
Meera took one Saturday French class, kept the English-French dictionary she bought, and hasn't shut up about it in years
gellaho
I like how you detect.
FancyShark
"You ask stupid and obvious questions. How intriguing."
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Yeah every good husband knows you give wife earrings when you have a mistress, or murder someone.
gellaho
So damn horny indeed, me
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Someone's been leaning against the beehive
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I mean I'd be more interested in fucking the lady cop who doesnt live like shes 85 too.
infinite tempest jakesy
Girlfriend
gellaho
Kat's in a nineties teen movie
FancyShark
Cha, girl
gellaho
You mean the one that collects doilies?
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Nope, just stopped wanting to fuck either one of them.
FancyShark
Meera writes like she wishes she had a friend
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
She sleeps with her chickens and bees?
Oh wait no, she told her friend she brings a buzzing cock to bed and friend got confused.
gellaho
I know what you mean, girlfriend
FancyShark
You know it, girl
gellaho
Stupid sexy Flanders
FancyShark
Stephen sounds just as insufferable as everyone else
He'll fit right in
gellaho
Spill it, sister
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
You go, girlfriend headbob
FancyShark
"Sorry, was it too soon to bring up your dead brother? I guess he obviously got rave reviews since this town is so small he probably had no competition."
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"Hey its really weird how this small town has two world class chefs, huh?"
FancyShark
"I'm sure the second chef will miss having someone to prevent him from being the best"
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I'm calling it, Flanders is the too-obvious red herring perp
gellaho
"I spit on ze English pig, Shakespeare! You Amereekans no nothing of ze theatre!"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
He's really angling for that three way he thinks she promised him.
FancyShark
"Specifically, I have an urge for a cream pie," she said, unblinking and breathing heavily at Philippe.
"I do not care for American baking," Philippe replied.
gellaho
No, but what's his real name
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In a different kind of book I'd say Abby and Kat were going to cook and eat him.
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
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Fuck you, Meera. Wayne Wu?
gellaho
"I'm telling you, that fart was so loud"
infinite tempest jakesy
Wu Wu Wu Kenny Wu!
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
"I'm craving a quickie," she breathed.
"It's pronounced quiche," he sneered.
FancyShark
That's an Elmer Fudd alias
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I hear hes gonna use it for an upcoming reboot of Fu Manchu.
gellaho
Abby thinking soy beans
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
WEED BROWNIES?!
FancyShark
This is going to kill off the meth-enchilada market
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"Wait are you implying........oh no, I mean like chicken nuggets."
gellaho
I'm not sure you've gotten it yet, but luckily Meera is going to continue
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"I said we should try making Impossible Burgers."
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol she's going to narc on him for making edibles?
FancyShark
What a hero
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Well, some people call it "herb"
gellaho
$700 for a shack!? Oh, right, California
infinite tempest jakesy
Hold up so now she's getting involved in a Henny Penny Farmette Drug Ring?
Brendan
Still trying to make this menage a bee-lady happen.
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Its hilarious that anyone who lived thru the 90s or later thinks anyone is going to kill someone over a weed deal and not like heroin or something.
Brendan
Quality. Tres bien sur.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
what the fuck is wrong with cozy mysteries that they always have to include a drug ring sideplot?!
FancyShark
Apparently Abby learned how to be a cop from nagging and immediately trusting what people say
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
the most realistic thing about this book so far
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I'm starting to see why she stopped
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The Grandma method of policing.
FancyShark
If she employs guilt, she's going to be unstoppable
gellaho
I can't imagine anyone would give a shit
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"Have you thought about what this will do to your poor aged mother when she hears about it? She will drop dead rather than live with the shame I tell you what."
Brendan
And I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for you prematurely elder middle-aged ladies and your meddling BEES!
gellaho
I mean, there are only so many ways to bake a cake
FancyShark
"This town fears what it doesn't understand. Like police procedure or non-caucasians or dialogue."
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I was just reading someone's opinion in a Julia Child bio "there's no such thing as an original recipe"
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"Or box wine."
gellaho
Not to mention, the Quebecois chef was making cannolis. I don't know if people are worried about authenticity
FancyShark
Mama mia sacre blur
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I think in a small town they're grateful for any fresh patisserie.
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Reminds me I ordered cannoli and the store was out.
FancyShark
or water
gellaho
Getting wasted on cream liqueur
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In a small town youd be grateful if literally anyone moved in just so you didnt have to look at Dave and his stupid face and his stupid wife for a while.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Oooh big man
FancyShark
You could drink something else?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Fellas is it gay to get hammered on cream liqueur and trashtalk local pastry chefs?
FancyShark
I get angry when I drink, but that's because I don't like the taste of alcohol
gellaho
No, not the man who's best friend is a male flight attendant! Certainly not
LFCHEF
FancyShark
That's short for "Let's Fucking CHEEEEEEEEF!"
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Bud..........you know you dont actually have to answer her questions, rihgt?
Shes just some nosey beekeeper and a dead guys shitty brother.
gellaho
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Oh hey I have that one.
FancyShark
Now it's trying to be Sideways
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I want Philippe to die. Not because I care he's shitting on American wines, but because he's annoying about it.
gellaho
Which media?
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"I'm a true crime podcaster."
FancyShark
YOU DON'T MOLD SYRUP, MEERA
LyraV
Call them linkages again please that's totally a thing.
gellaho
Later on
FancyShark
Is it, Abby? It sounds like motive
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Abby may not be the right person to have that conversation with tho, because she definitely wants to fuck.
gellaho
Let me tell you what it aroused in me
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But damn Meera, even I know that French people dont think eye contact is a sign you are DTF, what the fuck hon?
gellaho
I wanna fuck some oysters
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Henny Penny OysterQuest 3000: This Time It's Clammy
gellaho
FancyShark
This is all a build up to the greatest PSA about food poisoning you've ever seen
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Mmmm. Oysters. The first and last time I ate oysters I ate so many I threw up on the way home.
Worth it.
gellaho
What if you put cheese on it?
You know, how people do
FancyShark
Meera, simmering is so far from a roiling boil they're pratically opposites
gellaho
Ooh, boy
This is one hell of a chapter start
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Ouf Meera, that is a bad recipe.
Brendan
Don't eat oysters in months that start with Bee.
FancyShark
hahahahahahaha
Brendan
The Colony Wars of 2016 were vicious.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
This has the added benefit of making your chickens taste delicious, which the local foxes will surely appreciate.
Brendan
Are we sure the gangs aren't beehives and the stabbings are stingers?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
these epigraphs were meant to be in a completely different book
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Hahahahah also gang violence in Napa Valley.
FancyShark
So the west side is Napa Valley and the east side is Stalingrad 1931
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I love the idea that Napa Valley has just hordes of middle aged WASPS in color coded polo shirts knifing each other.
FancyShark
"Let's cut a bitch, Muffie"
gellaho
Seems like a comfortable way to sit
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"Egads, Barbara, I think those ragamuffins have stabbed Chester!"
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
hahaha Napa Valley has droogs.
Brendan
Better steal that corpse just to be safe.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Wh.....what? Meera what?
No?
FancyShark
So there's constant stabbings on the other side of town and they have no reason to think the baker's murder isn't related?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
This........no?
This is what reading a coroners report is for, Meera!
Meera, hol up. Do you think they dig murder victims back up on the regular?!
gellaho
A chicken named mystery
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
tag yourself I'm Houdini
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Mystery has a big ass hat and real bad attitudes about women.
FancyShark
I'm trilling purrs
gellaho
Might be time to switch to digital, it is 2015, Meera
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
GIF
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
man, we're really only just now getting around to planning the fucking funeral
Brendan
Yes, Abby, take shelter in the unfailing wisdom of the patriarchy.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Why the fuck is Abby planning his funeral and not like......his brother?
gellaho
Espaliered
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Or literally anyone else?!
Brendan
Because his brother has to be the killer eventually.
he's gonna slip up and mention something he shouldn't have been in town for.
gellaho
He's too French, as is his whole family
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Pack his ass in ice and send him back to France Canadia or wherever, like a normal person, Abby.
gellaho
The actual reason for the parents is that their old and if the dad leaves the mom might die from Parkinson's
FancyShark
The brother has to be the killer or else Abby has to be in a relationship with him the rest of the series
gellaho
But Phillipe just sucks
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
there's always gotta be one failson to make the heir look better
gellaho
FancyShark
Will this have an effect on the narrative?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Abby, if your doggo stinks, its because you fucked up. Wash that dog and contemplate your errors.
FancyShark
I could have asked that at any point. I just chose now.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Its good the books title is at the top of pages or I would have forgotten this was a murder mystery more often.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
god I hope Phillipe gets outed as the murderer because of dog stank.
gellaho
Randomly changing font on the D
Brendan
Your American coroners zey are zo difficile to understand, non? Always zey are sucking out the blood and replacing with zis embalming fluid, as if to say, I wish to suck you and be filled with liquid me own self.
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She change the font on my D til I print.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
she font change on my wingdings til I papyrus all over the place
Brendan
And ze undertaker! Oh la la! All understaker is wishing to make menage a trois avec un corpse! Quelle zut! So much the sex they want!
FancyShark
Stop infantilizing the cop lady, Meera
FancyShark
Sir, I'm not going to ask again. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
gellaho
Abby is a master manipulator
FancyShark
"Nice try, lady. I didn't fall for it when that bald guy asked me to look away, either."
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
fucking critfailed that persuasion roll but points for making me think of that gag on Babylon 5 where Garibaldi tries to bond with a fash thug over space fox news and he says he doesn't watch TV
gellaho
"I surrender!"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
hahahahaha yeah sure, Kat is a small town cop who can afford to restore a classic car. Im sure she doesnt take bribes.
gellaho
I mean, it's a Datsun
Brendan
We're not so different, you and I, Abby. We both sell honey, in a certain sense.
gellaho
Two years ago, I was having a great time with this one
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
oh my god she italicized it where it didn't need to be italicized?!
what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck??
how do you fuck that up?
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Goddammit.
FancyShark
Gotta pad the word count somehow
gellaho
This is written in 2015
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Italicizing a word means you knew it was a thing, MEERA!
gellaho
gellaho
And about people in American prisons who could conceivably be visited
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"Hello beloved family. Here is a copy of today's newspaper to prove it is today's date. I am doing well in prison. The beatings are humane and educational."
gellaho
Not like political prisoners abroad
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
hahahah this means Meera is still on that VHS tip.
FancyShark
Ohhhh, okay. She makes hostage videos.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Her and Osama Bin Laden.
Except Osama eventually made the switch, I assume when someone told him "A hard drive can hold your entire library of anime and porn."
gellaho
You know, money stuff
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Everybody gets a rich asshole under In Case Of Murder Mystery Deadlock Break Glass protection when they become a writer
gellaho
So horny
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Oh so he's probably mobbed up or at least a scumbag.
gellaho
Boobs high
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Also Kat has some luck, how many random security guards like garage sales and lace doilies and arent grandmas?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
I'm having difficulty imagining a sadder hobby than liking garage sales
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"It's high boobs."
infinite tempest jakesy
Garage sales and weightlifting, the timeless combo
gellaho
High boob in the old west
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I like things you can GET at garage sales.
gellaho
Mint
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
Massage the mint. Tell it you appreciate it.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
These are less tips and more "how to do it."
gellaho
Just loving this book
infinite tempest jakesy
This absolutely sent me
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Actually drug sniffing dogs have a high rate of false positives, MEERA!
And, what, do you think, does cancer smell like?
infinite tempest jakesy
I love that Meera thinks we need loading screen tips with every new chapter
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
TBF the Farmers Almanac has weird shit in there you wouldn't expect
gellaho
"What iz zis 'mile,' you American beetch?"
gellaho
Seriously with the monogrammed handkerchief
Jesus Christ
FancyShark
Why would you make a tie out of raspberries?
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Oh my god he's going to leave the monogrammed handkerchief at the scene of a crime.
That's how they get him.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Color and a handy snack.
So does Philippe get carsick, or does Meera believe that French people dont drive cars?
infinite tempest jakesy
Control-H "red" replace with "raspberry"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Or does a woman driving just make Philippe so angry he gets nauseous?
gellaho
Watch Meera lose her own plot in real time
gellaho
I assume he rides a penny farthing, so any driving makes him nauseated
FancyShark
Signs of a thriving community: ducks
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Misfortune like avalanches, blizzards, and non white families moving in.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
Damn foreigners are gonna come in and take all our stabbings away!
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Did you know those ducks are free?
You can just take them home, its okay.
FancyShark
Free ducks!
infinite tempest jakesy
She just completely forgets what she's writing about to pad the chapter with meaningless world building
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
They dont belong to anyone, its not even a "take a duck, leave a duck." thing.
infinite tempest jakesy
You don't have to world build! We live in this world! Everyone knows what a mountain looks like
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
the most important thing about working a cold case is that you stop and smell the roses.
gellaho
Take your brother's dog, you piece of shit. Don't make this random lady you want to fuck take care of it
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I dont see why she wants to not have a free dog so badly tho.
Free dog!
ABBY! FREE DOG!
FancyShark
Is discussing dog ownership too much for your delicate constitution, Phillipe?
FancyShark
She loves her scratched up cabinet more
gellaho
Is a doorbell too pedestrian?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Dogs also naseate him, which is weird because French people love dogs.
FancyShark
She's definitely keeping the dog
We saw the dog on another of the book covers
infinite tempest jakesy
Along with the same pull quote
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I would keep the dog, even if Philippe wanted it.
Finders keepers.
FancyShark
There are no bell servants out here. Far too expensive and their kibble must be shipped in from the mainland.
FancyShark
That fucking quote
infinite tempest jakesy
Philippe makes mediocre watches anyway, they should do something like Rolex did and make an entry level brand to attract more customers
gellaho
Time for an unrelated Bible story
infinite tempest jakesy
Jesus, our Inclusive King
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Sometimes you just need to illustrate that its Christian to love pussy.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
what the fuck is going on
gellaho
Uh, Phillipe, you still haven't buried him
gellaho
Also: clerestory
infinite tempest jakesy
FancyShark
I'm surprised Phillipe is even allowed in a church
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
he's going to be a loose pile of mold by the time the funeral gets going
gellaho
Jesus Christ, lady, you are in a church
gellaho
Keep it in your pants
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Church fuckin' is good fuckin. God can see you better when its in church.
gellaho
No statuary in niches
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
look niches
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What a bullshit church, doesnt even have stained glass.
FancyShark
Mountains: notorious for being hot
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
The Baptist church in my town looks like a dentists office but they still have stained glass.
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol the heat of the mountains
gellaho
✅ Redhead
✅ Elf
infinite tempest jakesy
The thick mountain air just stifling them
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
gellaho
Famously humid, the mountains
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Its the non denomenational one that is secretly evangelical that operates out of a former Aldi that doesnt have at least one stained glass window.
gellaho
I had some notes for Meera
FancyShark
That does sound Baptist, to be fair
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Puritans, fucking up everything.
infinite tempest jakesy
200 pages in, it's clear that Meera doesn't really have anything to say
FancyShark
Abby is the kind of detective that solves cases by vibes instead of logic. And also by idiot luck, not vibes
gellaho
The redbreasted always be yank-yanking the nuthatch
infinite tempest jakesy
This book could have been an email
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Tho im pretty sure hawthorne is native to Scotland so........
FancyShark
Looking around the room going "let's see...what else? What else?"
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Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Abby just bury this dead asshole.
FancyShark
"He would have loved a bird. And not being murdered."
infinite tempest jakesy
The uhhhh doorframe! Yes, she thought about the history of doorframes, founded by John Doorframe in 1789
gellaho
Loving this funeral planning
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
The little known, seldom used Tell, Tell, Tell, Tell, Tell, Don't Show technique
FancyShark
Yessir. Whackin' those weeds. Hint hint.
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Parishoner: "Wait you want me to what? For how much? Oh. Father you realize this is America right? Fuck you, pay me."
gellaho
I hate this lady
FancyShark
There are glaciers that think this book needs to pick up the pace
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
FOR FUCKING WHAT!?
Report him for what?!
Having dogs?
Being happy in public?
gellaho
He was the guy from 150 pages ago that was riding his bike with his dogs
That she thought was irresponsible for some reason
infinite tempest jakesy
She could have easily trimmed 100 pages so far and we still are only 2/3 of the way through
gellaho
Because she's a fucking busybody
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Being irresponsible isnt illegal ABBY!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
if this ends with Abby getting hit by a truck it will all have been worth it
gellaho
Anyway, here's the worst recipe so far
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I can get into a horrible crash with my dogs, children, grandmother, and lover if I want and YOU CANT STOP ME!
FancyShark
Meera was blacklisted by HGTV, but she will have the last laugh!
gellaho
Fucking putting labeling as a step
FancyShark
Oh, should I put stoppers on the bottles, Meera?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Waste of good brandy.
FancyShark
Or should I toss the open bottles into the air like confetti?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Or bad brandy.
gellaho
Just drink the wine, Meera
FancyShark
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
She's falling back on her tidbit list trick of just repeating the same hot tip over and over.
infinite tempest jakesy
Someone in her writing class absolutely told her a real novel had to be over 300 pages and by god she's going to get there
gellaho
A classic
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Fuck you, Meera.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
BOTTLE AND STOP YOUR LIQUIDS! BOTTLE AND STOP YOUR LIQUIDS! AWWWK!
infinite tempest jakesy
Maybe someone named Philippe
gellaho
Suck my dick, Phillipe. You fake French fuck
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Fuck off Philippe, you shithead. Also fuck you Meera, French people eat in their cars.
gellaho
Cars are more advanced than tables, Philippe
FancyShark
Philippe once ordered a filet mignon from a drive-thru and when they laughed at him he cursed the invention of the automobile
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
In trying to make Philippe classy and French, Meera just made him a fussy asshole.
infinite tempest jakesy
Philippe is from Rimouski, as a reminder
Or (name any other small Quebec town)
gellaho
How did the Canadian hockey dudes not beat this guy's ass
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Oh look at me, I'm Philippe, I pretend to be from Franch, dont like dogs, and am shitty about food. I dont eat except with a full spread of silverware."
FancyShark
That's why he's in America. No extradition laws
gellaho
Franch
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
Here's Philippe getting dangled
gellaho
No words
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Sorry to bring up the Julia Child book again but while she was putting on her PBS show, home cooks in France were starting to adopt the American habits of using convenience foods.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I wish I could say it wasnt a typo but I like it better so I'm leaving it.
infinite tempest jakesy
Rap
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
ALSO FUCK YOU MEERA THE FRENCH LOVE HIP HOP!
FancyShark
Philippe could be Hannibal Lecter and these scenes wouldn't be compelling
gellaho
How did that end up as "two"
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I think Meera has never met a real French person
infinite tempest jakesy
Absolutely wild autocorrect
gellaho
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
My high school French teacher made me listen to a French rapping baby and it has replaced remembering my mothers birthday.
FancyShark
The dead French baker of cannolis loved his Mandarin table
infinite tempest jakesy
She can suck Albrecht Durer's wood nutz
gellaho
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I love this wine fact, ready?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Abby, you put a shrine to dead relatives on that kind of table, not eat off it, you fucking monster.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
We had/have this pholoxera (sp?) vine parasite that got introduced to Europe way back
gellaho
The only thing I care about French wine is the Orson Welles commercial
FancyShark
Desicrating the dead is more an English thing
infinite tempest jakesy
Also French wine is pretty mid tbh
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The only way they still have any European grape vines is they had to graft them to our resistant rootstock.
infinite tempest jakesy
Italian wine is better anyway
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
So 🖕🖕
infinite tempest jakesy
We did indeed save their wine culture
FancyShark
Jager shots are more romantic
gellaho
A romantic frame
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
after first ruining it by accident
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Suck it France!
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
it's a very American narrative arc
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
We will call our cheese whatever we want!
FancyShark
It's romantic because it's made out of lip skin
gellaho
French wines are only romantic because their language is based on Latin
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The little Lisa Frank stickers are a dead giveaway that this person was dead guys crush.
gellaho
J-lo did it
infinite tempest jakesy
Also I was in actual Paris a month ago and everyone is drinking rose right now like some wasted sorority girls at brunch so get this "we're so fancy" bs out of here
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Rosé was trendy here, like, when my son was born.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Or maybe your brother didnt tell you the first name of every single dude he fucked, PHILIPPE.
gellaho
I hate this book, I hate these fake people
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Eat my ass, Philippe, it is so art.
FancyShark
"The eyes are scratched out."
"That's not important."
gellaho
I was so mad, I forgot the letter "R"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Come knife fight me if you disagree, Philippe. You can wear your little Savate shoes.
FancyShark
Ladies love hearing about other women you've banged
gellaho
Apparently
gellaho
Hope there are plastic sheets on that bed
FancyShark
Women's Lib is putting out a hit on Meera
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Ze one time, I put my, 'ow you say.......fingers? In a womans mouth and ate le creme brulee from her breasts!"
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Malleable putty. Like Playdoh, or Semtex
gellaho
FancyShark
Or taffy. Taffy's erotic, right?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Especially if its salt water taffy
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
gellaho
Ah, back when I had only read "Bad Rap"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Just fuck already.
gellaho
Back when I only knew of him as a misogynist and not a lovable unkillable highlander
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Hurry up and contract syphillis, Abby!
FancyShark
I think she has
infinite tempest jakesy
Abby has already slid off the bed and onto the floor
gellaho
Such a great time
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Okay now she should do it the fun way and not from a rest stop toilet seat.
FancyShark
And that's why French businessmen have sex after every deal
gellaho
This is some bullshit
gellaho
I assume @infinite tempest jakesy will take some offense to this French fop claiming hockey
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Also Meera, I hope Andrea Dworkin punches you in the mouth in hell.
gellaho
And football
Although it's Canadian football, so
infinite tempest jakesy
I'm more offended that he claims football
FancyShark
Phillipe, you stayed home from prom to make a macrame portrait of Linus Torvald
infinite tempest jakesy
Goalposts in the middle of the end zones and shit, get this gray cup trash out of here
gellaho
Not real football though
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Zis is, how you say, le bullsheet
sucks on a cigarette
infinite tempest jakesy
Also if he's a real Canadian his second sport is box lacrosse
gellaho
FancyShark
That sounds like a good way to hate kissing forever
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Man no wonder Philippe is weird about women.
gellaho
Or apologizing
infinite tempest jakesy
Why didn't you know this, MEERA
gellaho
I don't even really need to say much, my 28 year old self is good enough
infinite tempest jakesy
What can you say, she likes bad boys
gellaho
Until 1994!?
FancyShark
It was a fun movie, but it wasn't that good
gellaho
Hockey can't catch a break
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
When was this book published?
gellaho
Not even curling?
gellaho
2015
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
WTF she has no excuse, Google that shit
infinite tempest jakesy
That was the year NHL 94 came out on sega genesis, I assume those two things are related
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
NHL 94 was so good.
infinite tempest jakesy
Mark or Mario?
Gotta go with Mark imo, he's got esa tikannen on the wing and iron Mike richter in net
Brian Leetch defense
Rangers we're a powerhouse
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I only ever played it, I dont know hockey, and I didnt know how to play it so I mostly just started fights.
gellaho
You know boys, always burning off their eyebrows to get muffins
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahaha fair enough
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
And lost them.
Because the rental place didnt have a manual.
infinite tempest jakesy
To this day I still have a Super Nintendo cartridge of that game
gellaho
FancyShark
The blaze also killed their third brother, but we don't talk about that
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol
FancyShark
Chief Bob Allen!
gellaho
Pumped by the pumper
FancyShark
"Everyone knew that. Nobody cared." is Meera's entire process
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Poor Chief Bob Allen, the fuckers are making fun of his warty hide and they dont know that warts can sometimes be cancer.
gellaho
infinite tempest jakesy
Chief Bob Allen is out with a broken ass and this is how they treat him
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Chief Bob Allen has put more work into tracking down the killer than Abby has in 200 pages.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Then Chief Bob Allens car burst into flames, and Chief Bob Allen was badly burned, and then Chief Bob Allen was attacked by a swarm of bees attracted by the stink of burning cop."
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
This overuse of the girlfriend thing makes me suspect a man writing under a feminine pseudonym.
gellaho
The old man broke his tailbone, hilarious
FancyShark
I still think Meera's a woman who never had friends
gellaho
Bad news https://1900hotdog.com/2020/12/learning-day-365-ways-to-live-happy/
infinite tempest jakesy
Or a super white person who's too sheltered to have ethnic friends
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Wait wait what ethnicity is Kat?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
The driver of that fire engine is getting fired and Chief Bob Allen will probably extrajudically murder him. Laugh about that, Abby.
gellaho
Russian
FancyShark
Sounds like Chief Bob Allen pissed off the wrong guy in Kamurocho
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Oh wait, I forgot that's who we're reading!
😝
gellaho
"Bonjour. It is I, Philippe"
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Are there readable fields out there?
infinite tempest jakesy
Hu-man men do anger?
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I've read fallow fields more readable than this book.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
It has been theorized that men respond to being upset in ways that are different than women
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I mean if you plant the soy beans in the right way, yeah they can be readable.
Mostly its just pictures of dicks to baffle NASA.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
no one tries to sell being french this hard except people who are not french and hack writers who want people to think they know how french people act
gellaho
There are read-only fields
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I've seen some corn mazes incorporate a message I guess
gellaho
Just a little coding joke for nobody
Anyway, they try to invite some people to the funeral
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
GIF
gellaho
The 69 is back, baby
FancyShark
Nice
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Cancer
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
♋
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol
gellaho
Just loving this book
infinite tempest jakesy
Using a magnifying glass to check out those sweet bis and tris
FancyShark
He's a cancer, but not the way you mean it, Meera
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Stop.........stop calling it "getting inked", it doesnt make you sound cool.
infinite tempest jakesy
Maybe they just like the sex position, ever think of that
gellaho
Enhance
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Pledged them to each other" like Meera isnt writing this from a time when gay men can just get married and its fine.
gellaho
Nah, I don't think gay guys like the Caribbean
FancyShark
Or, hear me out, Abby: You could tell the cops
Because you are a civilian
And you are ruining any chance of conviction
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Im just saying, matching betrothal tattoos is for hetero white couples who drink a very specific kind of beer and live in trailers.
infinite tempest jakesy
I don't think in 2015 you need to explain the mechanics of taking a picture with an iPhone
I think we all got that down by now
FancyShark
She's going to explain website navigation. Mark my words
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Missing piece of the puzzle" Abby you are rifling thru a dead persons posessions looking to figure out if he fucked any guys you dont know about.
gellaho
FancyShark
Jumpin' Jake Lennahan!
is what Jean-Louis was doing
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Bisexual" Jake Lennahan.
gellaho
This is an affront to food
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
The rootinest, tootinest, bisexualest car salesman on the east coast.
gellaho
You don't have to put honey in everything, lady
FancyShark
That doesn't sound half bad. Although she should just admit it serves one
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I mean honey IS pretty good.
gellaho
I also can't imagine buying a rotisserie chicken and then using it for something else
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I'm not sure about the honey mustard
infinite tempest jakesy
Because of Meera I hate honey now
gellaho
Just eat the rotisserie chicken lady
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Yeah if you buy a rotisserie chicken you are morally obligated to eat it with your bare hands.
gellaho
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I've definitely used one for a recipe but then I got an instant pot and just put chicken thighs in that and then I don't have to strip a carcass.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Just rip it apart like you are in an Uwe Boll movie and your name is Matthew Lillard.
FancyShark
CALM DOWN, YOU DYING FUCK! JUST CALM DOWN AND STOP DYING!
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
If you get one of those dogs that literally devours furniture it won't help your stress or BP
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I dont see how a dog is going to help your cholesterol, Meera.
gellaho
You literally just said it was stifling hot
infinite tempest jakesy
Maybe it's all the honey
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
My sister has two dogs and I think she's more stressed than before.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Stress level and blood pressure, sure.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Maybe dog meat is low in cholesterol?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Maybe she means you should get a dog trained to prevent you from eating fatty food too much?
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Or that eats it all for you
gellaho
Sure, this needs to be in the book
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Yeah thanks for the chicken rape, really sets the scene
This is the only sex we're gonna get in this book, you realize.
infinite tempest jakesy
Now it's time to dispense some Kentucky Fried Justice
Next up: Houdini Sandwiches with a honey drizzle
FancyShark
Chicken rape. It's what readers want.
gellaho
How about some chicken incest?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
What a dipshit thing to tell an animal in the first place.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
FancyShark
Full offense intended when I say, Meera, that Seanbaby explained how horrible chickens are much better than you
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Like you might as well just start explaining quantum physics because a chicken has about as much chance to understand that.
gellaho
Anyway, that farm shit goes on for a while
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
God chickens are stupid, awful animals. Tasty and not the worst pet but dumb as a bag of hammers.
gellaho
The first thing Abby needs to tell the deceased is that she was on time
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol why was he on Hispaniola
FancyShark
"You can't dispute it, you dead fuck"
infinite tempest jakesy
That's so oddly specific
gellaho
Although, I bet you can guess what the second thing
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
And yet still too late
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Its nice he decided to bury his brother in a fuckin Hawaiian shirt.
gellaho
It's related to the second greatest sentence ever written
FancyShark
Is it "I haven't told the bees yet"?
gellaho
FancyShark
YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Holy fuck.
infinite tempest jakesy
I assume the best sentence ever written is "Steele moistened his lips"
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
A muted colors Hawaiian shirt
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Still havent told the bees, Abby is so arrogant. She thinks the bees dont already know?
FancyShark
I'm in your musty, unlit head, Meera
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
This is the saddest fucking funeral ever, but not in a way that would inspire pathos.
FancyShark
What's even the damn point?
infinite tempest jakesy
Yeah that's just a button down
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I feel bad for the dead guy, his shitty brother and his dumb honey woman are the only people who seem like they are coming.
infinite tempest jakesy
Business Hawaiian
FancyShark
The best sentence is "It was as long as ten tall men were tall"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Man I hope when I die the only people who come to my funeral arent "My asshole fake French brother" and "The dippy moo I buy honey from."
gellaho
The crazy don't stop
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
FancyShark
If it helps, Sausage, the chef was notoriously a dick
infinite tempest jakesy
Metal Gear Solid: Bee Talker
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Man she really took the wrong message from that sentiment.
FancyShark
Muted color Hawaiian shirts are just tablecloths
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
His brother buried him in a shirt that looks like it was left out on the wash line for a year.
gellaho
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol yes
FancyShark
ah, shoot. I was in the right ballpark
gellaho
"I will open the hives and whisper my secrets to them"
infinite tempest jakesy
250 pages in and now you're pledging to find the killer?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Note, at no point do they imply Abby and Jean-Louis were friends.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
He's already full of bees
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Just that he is friends with her bees.
infinite tempest jakesy
Full of bees nutz
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The coffin vibrates, his chest parts like rotting paper
The bees burst forth
FancyShark
"They will fly and the swarm shall carry my vengeance across the land. Now we need to bury you before the streetlights come on or the east-siders will steal your corpse for their play."
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Going full Deep Apiarist.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
the beenomorph!!!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Do you think her bees are thrice warded against the Heart?
gellaho
At the burial, we learn that dog guy collided with the homeless woman
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahahaha
gellaho
Which they call a hit-and-run, which I don't know if that's a thing on a bike
FancyShark
On a bicycle?
infinite tempest jakesy
That'll teach that guy to bike with his dogs
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
but are the dogs okay???
FancyShark
That is 100% on the homeless lady unless it was at a corner
gellaho
I don't know if you need a search warrant for a shopping cart, they are famously easy to see through
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I feel like if these affluent dipshits really cared about that homeless lady theyd maybe give her a place to live?
infinite tempest jakesy
This is like a whole thing where Meera is inserting her neighbor who called her a weird bitch for talking to bees in real life is getting his imagined comeuppance, isn't it
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
does this town not have some kind of community center for the unfortunate?
gellaho
Unless it's one of those target shopping carts
Luxury
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
She's their pet homeless
Sometimes towns have one
FancyShark
This town has four things: A jewelry store, a bakery, stabbings and bees
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
There was an alcoholic guy they called the Mayor of Milford a few towns away from me.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Just saying, y'all are down a chef, so a home is empty.
infinite tempest jakesy
I think JB Fletcher already moved in there
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
I assume this was an Emperor Norton situation
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Usually they're mentally ill or in one way or another refuse or resist help.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Oh yeah
gellaho
Randomly, a sheet of paper gets ejected from the casket
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Like he could walk in to most of the downtown restaurants and get a free meal.
infinite tempest jakesy
Magic paper
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
paper sharts. happens to the best of us
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Ah yes, the casket fan turned on
LyraV
You're not going to believe this but I've fallen asleep three times trying to read pages from this book. It might be truly cursed or a cure for insomnia.
gellaho
Excuse me, photograph. Because apparently she couldn't tell the difference
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahahahahaha
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
I genuinely have Gordon Ramsay on in another tab just to keep myself stimulated, I shudder to think what would become of me if I tried going in unprotected
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Damn, I could have used that the last few nights.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Chefs........toque? Is that what its called?
infinite tempest jakesy
So wait the murder was solved by a confession written on a photo that magically flew out of the casket
Are you shitting me
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Yeah
gellaho
Soup time!
FancyShark
NGL, I thought the recipe was Asshole White Bean Soup
gellaho
Oh, is ham not vegetarian? Thanks for telling me
infinite tempest jakesy
White Asshole Bean Soup
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Oh fuck you as though cassoulet isn't a thing
LyraV
I'm assuming this is Jean Louis
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Might
gellaho
Why
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Hahahah I love those books. Even after they got porny.
gellaho
Bitch, you don't farm oysters m why would this be in your almanac
LyraV
A guy at a bar came onto me with this fact and it was equally as off putting.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
In writing circles the technical term for this is "a fucking lazy cop-out"
LyraV
Segued that into snail facts and then wondered why we left to play pool.
infinite tempest jakesy
The last page of the almanac is going to be like "Philippe is the murderer" and then it will end
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Im trying to imagine useing that fact as a pick up line and its just not something I can wrap my brain around.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
deus ex cadavere
gellaho
Comb action
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Oh no, my unrestrained locks!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
GIF
LyraV
That is too many hair descriptions, I'm calling it
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
COMBS ARE HEAVIER THAN WIND YOU TWIT.
FancyShark
"Alexa Wilding to you too, asshole"
gellaho
Buh
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
GIF
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
She's just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
FancyShark
She took the midnight train
Going a-ny-where
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Meera........you..........would you be horny for a dude who spouts art trivia like this?
infinite tempest jakesy
Also, when your digital assistant goes nuts that's called an Alexa Wilding
gellaho
Not in front of Zazi's Bistro!
infinite tempest jakesy
I'll see myself out
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Not in front of the baked ziti!"
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
GIF
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Not in front of Zazzi's Bistro! 😱
infinite tempest jakesy
How could you do this to me, on the day of my Zazi's wedding
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
This guy is way too horny to be in mourning
infinite tempest jakesy
Hourning
gellaho
It was like the bees plucked it right out of that corpse
FancyShark
Run, Abby. He hasn't had food in days. He's going to eat your face
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Meera.......is this you telling us about your fantasy? Because I have to tell you, almost anyone could fuck you.
All you have to do is dress decent, pretend to be French, and be kind of an asshole.
FancyShark
Sure, Meera. Guy outings spontaneously turn gay
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The brother did it
gellaho
Uh-huh
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
He's trying to distract dumbbitch
FancyShark
Don't say bling, Meera
gellaho
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Also Meera, youd be surprised what the poors can buy, it doesnt mean we cant have nice things.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Your instincts are in your panties right now
You'd be amazed what the poors inherit from their elders
FancyShark
Not sure how "formerly poor" is even a hurdle to getting nice things
gellaho
Gangbangers be epithelialing
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Twine, the famously easy to get prints from substance.
gellaho
Famously robust
FancyShark
You have known murderers hanging out at the bar? Why the fuck haven't you spent more time there?
gellaho
They were there long enough to hear a biker say fairy eighty times
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Also what kind of pastry shop is next to a crime bar named The Black Witch
gellaho
Because Meera understands how bikers talk
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Isn't this supposed to be a small town? With gangbangers?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
In Napa Valley no less.
gellaho
It's surrounded by prisons
That's not even a joke
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Napa valley, that notoriously poor and crime ridden hellhole.
FancyShark
It's a small town in the Napa Valley with two world famous chefs and a constant massacre on the east side
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
All those bikers are like grandfathers who hang out at the VFW
gellaho
And has a biker bar for the tough bikers who sample wine
(meera's not good at this)
Case closed
gellaho
Uh oh
LyraV
Epithelials my ass
I just wanted an excuse to say that.
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahaha is that a Bing bong threat
FancyShark
Guessing Abby was forced into retirement
gellaho
Fuck off
infinite tempest jakesy
Ahhhhhhhh I get it now
The chicken rape fantasy was the Meera fantasy all along
LyraV
Abby if you don't slap this person and walk out I've lost all faith.
gellaho
Smooth
infinite tempest jakesy
Not in front of Zazi's! Again!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Philippe, in America we can recognize an attempted assassination by car.'
FancyShark
Get outta here with this Hardy Boys imitation
gellaho
This is a lot of fancy words to say "looked at her tits"
infinite tempest jakesy
Her dress suggested ample curves?
Buddy you're just looking at the curves
There's no suggestion
FancyShark
Abby then stabs him in the neck
LyraV
I cannot even...they did not.... decolletage you fuck you Phillipe. Get right the fuck out with your ample curves.
gellaho
The fuck is an Optimists Club
FancyShark
That is the saddest club name of all
LyraV
They discuss the likelihood that any of them will make friends outside the club.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Wait is that because she has a gun or because her dick is big?
infinite tempest jakesy
gellaho
Time for Philippe to meet the bees
gellaho
But, more importantly
LyraV
Fuck yes.
gellaho
The moment has come
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
COMMUNE WITH THE BEES
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
For Philippe to be stung to death because the bees dont like his cologne.
gellaho
Time to tell the bees
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahahahaha fuck you Meera
gellaho
Oh, and also me wishing for death
Twas not granted
infinite tempest jakesy
The real bees were the friends we made along the way
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Meera, you're the fucking author, you could have made something happen here, like the bees DO actually respond or something.
FancyShark
The bees respond by rolling in flowers
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Sweet bees, I come with sad news. This book I wrote fucking sucks ass.
LyraV
Bees are in no way sweet, I know it's a small point, fuck come on.
gellaho
And, what is the most appropriate thing to come after that?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Aubergine?
LyraV
Yeah they have a guide for how to do this in Stardew valley as well and it's better written
FancyShark
Corpse meat - the honey is rich gold
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How the fuck is buckweat honey aubergine, Meera?
LyraV
Honey made from the sweetness of Abby's heart tastes of ashes.
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Write a book about purple honey, at least that would be interesting!
gellaho
And how do I reduce the chicken's stress? Give them a back rub? They're fucking chickens!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Its pretty easy, chickens arent that bright.
FancyShark
Eggs have lots of protein
infinite tempest jakesy
Chickens have a lot of protein too
Wait a minute
FancyShark
Problem solved!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Fortunately chickens eat both those things.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
This is the book that never ends
It just goes on and on my friends
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Especially when you want them not to.
LyraV
https://youtu.be/Ppm5_AGtbTo
FancyShark
Some people started reading it
infinite tempest jakesy
We're all in hell and this is our punishment
FancyShark
Not knowing what it was
infinite tempest jakesy
Hellaho
FancyShark
And they'll continue reading it forever just because
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
GIF
infinite tempest jakesy
Imagine making it through three of these?
gellaho
The next morning, a thing actually happens
FancyShark
I'm having trouble imagining us making it through this one
gellaho
I can make that a reality
infinite tempest jakesy
Wait was the cop inside of her and then attacked her?
Like as in fucking
FancyShark
You're totally being attacked, girlfriend
infinite tempest jakesy
At this point I welcome death so bring it on
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Now this is stuck in my head
https://youtu.be/hzFpiW5vHrc
gellaho
Then she gets punched in the face
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Time to clench your sphincter and dart your eyes around, its Self Defense Class With Abby!
LyraV
Doooo it tie her up and leave her for the bees.
infinite tempest jakesy
Oh no is the rooster like a were-rooster
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Abby, its not a sucker punch if its in the face and mid fight.
infinite tempest jakesy
I didn't know the chicken scene was foreshadowing
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Invoking Snyder's Sucker Punch is a class IV book infraction.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Call your attack bees, farmletter!
infinite tempest jakesy
Dammit Meera
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Like you have to not be expecting to be punched for it to be a sucker punch, by mid fight you kind of know what to expect.
LyraV
Thank you I had the same thought
gellaho
And then the dog that started shaking uncontrollably after she gently raised her voice at it is now a vicious attack dog
LyraV
Like did he run away then run back and surprise you?
FancyShark
Meera, when we said you should make things happen, you may have overcorrected
infinite tempest jakesy
Bad use of ellipses too
LyraV
Adding a lot to the recipe at the last minute is almost certainly a good idea
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Hahahahah what a terrible thug, he's being attacked by a fucking whippet cross breed.
gellaho
Abby tells Philippe to grab her gun. Instead, he says something French and throws a small rock
FancyShark
She better pull out all the stops on the one this chapter
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Like if you are stymied by an animal that has whippet anywhere near its genetics you need to hit the gym.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Whippet good, into the wall
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"I threw a rock at him!"
GIF
LyraV
Quick throw in some sprinkles and brandy before everyone realizes you can't cook OR write
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I dont mean to be on the wrong side here but cmon. Whippet.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
"... it was a big rock."
gellaho
Abby gets her gun and Meera has a 1950s understanding of bikers
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
hahaha if she tries to play this off as a hate crime I'm going to be so mad.
FancyShark
I mean, he just tried to rape you, Abby. I think you're allowed to shoot at least one testicle
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
He slicked back his greasy pompadour with one hand and said, "Eyyyy dollface"
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Gun him down on your lawn, he threatened your dog Abby.
gellaho
The widower cowboy randomly shows up
LyraV
Sure Lucas you do that, ha!
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Like steal my stuff, fine. Do whatever you want to me, I have mercy. Threaten my dog and you will die.
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
LyraV
Lucas couldn't beat the daylights out of the night.
gellaho
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
Hey hey, throttle down Abby, he only asked a question
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Look, Meera read a Reader's Digest article on the Text Lingo Parents Should Know
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
So Philippe is also not hip to the lingo, my droogies.
gellaho
Gasp
LyraV
Shit Writing Yields Problems
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Huh.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
FUCKIN SURPRISE
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Looks like your bullshit theory was totally bullshit, Abby.
gellaho
What a puss
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
he didn't even do any splits. fuck this guy
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Non, not le blood
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
He's not gonna check on the bees, hes going to smoke.
FancyShark
Hence why he strangled his brother
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Smoke out the bees, steal the queen, start a rival farmette
gellaho
Sorry, Lucas, she's dating the fake Frenchman who is afraid of blood, planning funerals, American wine, his brother's dog, and eating in cars
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Bees probably make him nauseous, like riding in a car, blood, American wines, and women having opinions.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Of course there's a love triangle
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Yeah actually Abby, you should maybe consider that Philippe is kind of a spare dick at a wedding when it comes down to it.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
With a French guy and a cowboy, how subtle
gellaho
So cool
gellaho
Or a funeral, more accurately
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
BITCH ITS 2015 WHY DO YOU HAVE A SINGLE ACTION REVOLVER!?
FancyShark
A 251-pound attacker will of course shrug off the bullets like gnats
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
"Here, let me steady your aim," he drawled, putting his strong arms around her and his hands over hers on the gun.
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Abby if you were a fucking cop you would know this but revolver bad.
gellaho
I know what she needs
Badger, alias "Señor Thief"
in which Meera discovers she fucked up and the cowboy angle was much more erotic but the manuscript is due two days from now and it's too late to do a page one reqwrite
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Meera played way too much Metal Gear Solid.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Country singer voice, I'm thinking of just the most pussy-drying twang
gellaho
My favorite hotdog Artifact
LyraV
I think when you start counting the years it somewhat negates the niceness?
Well I'll only have this dog for 6.5 years, one week over and they're out
LyraV
I'd love to watch my boss read this.
gellaho
Do you want to be a crazy pet owner?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
"Well hey y'all, my name is Travis Tweedle and I love America and non-woke beers! Yeeeehaw!"
gellaho
Then slavishly bake for your dog!
gellaho
You know, the thing that licks itself!
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Bake them super dry or they go moldy like that
(voice of experience)
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Ive owned dogs for many years. You can just fucking give them part of your food, its fine.
FancyShark
NO PEOPLE FOOD!
gellaho
Fuck off
FancyShark
At least, not from the table
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Well no, not unless you like an audience when you eat.
infinite tempest jakesy
I missed the spiritual wisdom section of the almanac
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
It IS real convenient tho when you drop something.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The thing I like about gardening in my zone is that just as you're sick of dealing with it, everything dies for the winter anyway.
gellaho
Uh, oh, she's talking about herbalists
infinite tempest jakesy
Uh oh time for essential oils baby
LyraV
Abby asked for a quarter of Manatuka Thunderfuck
(real strain name)
infinite tempest jakesy
Also my drag name
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Ive always thought it was funny certain people think herbs are fine but wont take drugs, like......how do you think an herbal something would do anything?
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The same herbalist as dudeman she was hassling earlier?
gellaho
I don't think rubbing lemons on your head is going to do a whole lot
infinite tempest jakesy
Ok BIG PHARMA
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
They only like herbs if they don't do anything
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Make you smell good and ward off mosquitos.
FancyShark
I think if you do that and then go out in the sun, the sun restores the coloring to your hair?
Or I'm thinking of the coloring on an SNES
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Like half the supplements for calmness have lemon balm and I'm like bitch I drink home grown lemon balm tea do I look calm to you??
FancyShark
It's one of those two
gellaho
Jesus Christ, you needy fuck
infinite tempest jakesy
Ligma balms
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
If lemons gave you psychic powers I feel like I'd know.
gellaho
OK, upload the file please
gellaho
Making me look crazy
Anyway, he's a needy fuck
LyraV
noted.
gellaho
Who didn't even do what she told him to
infinite tempest jakesy
Hahaha it's official now, nobody else can claim it
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Now you gotta make good on it though
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Its good Philippe was too Franch to get the gun, he'd have probably passed out.
FancyShark
Phillipe is the kind of guy who tells you to hold your own hair when you vomit into a toilet
infinite tempest jakesy
The last time I dressed in drag was for a college talent show and I feel like there has to be some real deep footage out there somewhere
gellaho
The honey flow was starting
FancyShark
"And I can't kennel the bees after last time"
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The honey flow for the widowed cowboy 😏
infinite tempest jakesy
Also she can't fuck the Cowboy with captain baguette around
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I think we hit send simultaneously
gellaho
If he was threatened by smart women, then what was his problem with Abby?
gellaho
Gottem!
FancyShark
BOOM
infinite tempest jakesy
The ideal scenario
Through I scooped myself just in case
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
High five
FancyShark
Chief Bob Allen: known misogynist
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Unless that wasn't a double entendre
infinite tempest jakesy
GIF
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Chief Bob Allen grows a new wart for every time he does a misogyny. He's basically one third toad.
gellaho
So, they're cousins by marriage? Aren't they usually?
infinite tempest jakesy
Also wait when did this chief Bob Allen lore come out?
gellaho
Because if they are cousins because somebody remarried, they wouldn't have the same last name
infinite tempest jakesy
Is this just some excuse for why she's glad he's dead
FancyShark
Chief Bob Allen isn't dead!
gellaho
He just broke his ass
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol oh yeah right
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
God that feels like it happend ages ago.
LyraV
I was waiting for the end to light this joint but cheers ya'll I can't anymore maybe this will start to make sense
gellaho
I mean, if he doesn't have a lawyer you have to give him one
gellaho
Meera? Have you not even watched television about the law?
LyraV
She watched Matlock
bet
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
This cooze better not introduce a new character at the very end to be the murderer
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Meera has watched Cop Rock and maybe Law and Order SVU but not really understood it.
infinite tempest jakesy
Which is unfortunate because this book has Murder She Wrote all over it
infinite tempest jakesy
I mean you know in your heart this is like 90% to happen
LyraV
I keep comparing her writing to what she must bring to parties as food and this would be icing on a jello mold level of writing
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Meera writes like someone who watches alot of Law and Order and gets frustrated.
gellaho
Jessica Fletcher would never
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
"Oh the killer was guy we never mentioned before!"
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I might forgive Meera if there is no murderer and it was a suicide after all.
gellaho
Anyway, not suspicious at all
infinite tempest jakesy
"The Caribbean" is a popular location huh
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I do my best widower grieving in the Caribbean.
gellaho
This just in: mostly the same information
infinite tempest jakesy
Yeah but in the ca-rib-e-an or the care-a-be-an?
LyraV
Beach mourning is what rich widows call it.
FancyShark
So he literally knows she's been within several hundred miles of a single phone tower. Great work, guys
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Nothing fixes missing your dead wife like being balls deep in affluent milfs and island sex workers.
infinite tempest jakesy
Also did she mean rifled through
FancyShark
THANK you
infinite tempest jakesy
I smell another motivational poster @Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
gellaho
She meant ruffled through
Just full of Ruffles
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
On it
gellaho
LyraV
There's a 'mourning section' that's really a fancy cigar bar.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
I hate it when malefactors stuff my purse with ruffled potato chips.
FancyShark
Meera, they have GPS in 2015. You don't have to triangulate signals
LyraV
At 6:14pm Abby realized she was being pedantic and checking her phone far too often.
gellaho
And the criminals are apprehended and confess off-page
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
hahahahah so Abby was entirely superfluous the entire time.
FancyShark
mother of god, so phillipe is going to be a recurring character?
LyraV
wish I just felt something, anything but this book has taken feeling and made it into terrible honey.
gellaho
Finding more clues after the case is over, bold
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Double lol, so Eva wasnt even fucking someone interesting, she just roped a rando in.
FancyShark
I refuse to accept this outcome unless the book ends
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Oh no, theres 30 more pages of recipes and bee gibberish to get thru.
FancyShark
AAAAGGGHHH! I'll accept the outcome!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Not even being underwater can save you from Meera and the bees.
FancyShark
NOOOOOO!
gellaho
Then Kat gives the rundown, making Abby more useless
gellaho
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Man five thousand? Thats a bargain hit.
infinite tempest jakesy
So the murder was solved off screen and they're now speculating how it could have gone down? After it's been solved?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Lady you could have gotten a divorce, its California, you'd probably get half.
LyraV
the recipes don't strike me as weird which says a lot about the books I've read.
FancyShark
Yeah, that's Walmart parking lot money
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
gellaho
Abby just asks a lot of questions, clearly not understanding the crime
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Most of the recipes have at least sounded okay, to be fair. Teh food ones anyway, Im kind of neutral on making your own essential oils.
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
Exactly what you want in a mystery
infinite tempest jakesy
She does it again
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Saving this for comforting the bereaved.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
If the overlords (ahem @Seanbaby and @Brockway ) ever start merch back up, they should make these posters for sale. Or T-shirts
LyraV
I've read a couple murder mysteries about a woman name Goldi Locks that runs a catering company and solves murders with gourmet recipes.
the titles are all a play on words about murder and catering if I remember correctly.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Oh cool like Food Wars but also Death Note.
gellaho
Hooligans
LyraV
Only a thousand times more terrible lol
infinite tempest jakesy
If you guys are into real detective stories have I got a series and an author for you
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
And I just spoke something cursed into existence again.
FancyShark
How did we manage to find another lady author who fills the entire book with pointless bullshit and then explains the real story in a police dispatch at the end of the book?
gellaho
Buh
FancyShark
He spontaneously combusted
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Chief Bob Allen would say its because the female brain is inherently bad at logic and less structured and writing is therefore a male pursuit, as he sprouts another wart.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
I just say "cleavage"
LyraV
buh sums it up perfectly.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Everyone knows WTF cleavage is
gellaho
Zis Parkinson's disease!
LyraV
can you imagine if someone called it that to your face? idk i think i'd just laugh
FancyShark
That's Alzheimer's, you French fuck
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Only if it's from the Alzheimer's region of France oh forget it I can't
infinite tempest jakesy
Lol yeah trying to talk sexy like "oooh yeah let me see that décolletage baby"
gellaho
I've said it before, and I will say it again, bad writing is immune to gender
LyraV
you want to caress my deco what? get the fuck out of here Phillipe and come back when you can say boobs.
gellaho
Ze dizease, mon ami!
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
If theres one lesson you should take from Book Cage its the opposite lesson of the one from Ratatouille, not everyone can write. Especially not rats.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Yes, I can: sparkling dementia
Going for that Ruff Chuckle
LyraV
I also learned Michael Dorn couldn't write even with help.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Rats are real smart and have a lot of cool skills but writing isnt one of them.
LyraV
plus a bunch of stuff about bees and apes.
gellaho
Moi maman, her Parkinson's has made me, how you say, horny
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Tho I would watch a movie that was about a dude helping a rat write a bestselling novel.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Gimme that baguette, Phil
FancyShark
The bees hollow him out and use his plane ticket to New York to reach the UN
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
GIF
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
He wants to hide his baguette in her couche
LyraV
Look this lady couldn't bring herself to say boobs I dont trust her to write anything close to a sex scene without 18 layers of abstraction.
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Is what I should have said
gellaho
Ze cock-blocking bees
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Whip out that aubergine
FancyShark
She describes someone doing the finger in the okay sign gesture while going "huh? Get it?"
infinite tempest jakesy
She wants the bees to watch
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
The bees represent Abbys orgasm.
gellaho
She has said boobs, they just have to be high boobs
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
The bees have to approve
Get that honey drip going
infinite tempest jakesy
Boobs are classified by height, décolletage is classified by width
Americans will do anything to avoid the metric system
gellaho
Boy do I hate this book
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
LyraV
I knew you were a person of distinction and high taste.
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Oh.......Abby. You'll still use the bee suits.
gellaho
Preferably dark and thick
FancyShark
By the time they finish, they don't know where they end and the bee stings begin
UNsalted butter? What are you? A commie?
gellaho
And that goes on for a while
gellaho
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
This recipe represents the sex scene
FancyShark
@LyraV , I think this is the abstraction you mentioned
LyraV
hot? I guess?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Wait, was every recipe a sex scene?!
LyraV
I'm not Not into it
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
300 is pretty low for an oven baking temperature
infinite tempest jakesy
In the first paragraph of the recipe there's stir, beat, and cream
FancyShark
OH GOD. What does that mean about the dog biscuits?!
infinite tempest jakesy
So this theory holds water
gellaho
Then there's the Acknowledgements, where Meera claims to have done some research
Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃
Wait was that the end?
Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage
Imagine if movies did that, like during the sex scenes just spliced in five minutes of Great British Bake Off.
