101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

infinite tempest jakesy

Patrol our premises

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"It'sa us! Your neiborhood Italian jewelersa!"

gellaho

The dowager's hump

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I would love to patrol the premise of a better book, personally

infinite tempest jakesy

Oh shit @Brendan if you're in Orange County tomorrow you can get some accidental Hotdog Meatup

FancyShark

mmmmm, crepe dress

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I thought a dowager's hump was a hot young pool boy

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

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My (dowagers) humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps.

Brendan

Alas, I am PDXing you from the Robert Evans Future Memorial Compound & National Tragedy Site of Historic record

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Black crepe, must be charcoal. Fucking food trends

infinite tempest jakesy

Ah yes that's right, carry on then. Figured I'd ask either way!

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Oh snap are you gonna be on BtB?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Somewhere Peter Dinklage is still wishing he'd had it though

Emergency Stount Cerril

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxHpllJkztLD3ZyY60-RDDAQGu4ibBoxWY

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Tell Robert we said "Hi!" and pet his baby goats if you can.

FancyShark

Hell yes and hello, @Emergency Stount Cerril !

gellaho

The soothing vibrations of a close relative

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Mostly the baby goats, you can say whatever you want to Robert.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

They purr. Like cats.

infinite tempest jakesy

Her great aunt was a purring cat

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

The relatives, not the goats.

FancyShark

I assume there's going to be a test on these characters

infinite tempest jakesy

Scooping myself

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

No description of knobbly knuckles too?

gellaho

I'm going to tell my bees how ridiculous that is

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Wait does this lady talk to her bees? (I missed last time)

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Jokes on Abby, bees are way into new age shit.

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Yes.

infinite tempest jakesy

Not yet. But she will

FancyShark

Not yet! She takes them for granted!

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

If anyone has a vibration it's the bees

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I really can't point any fingers because I talk to my cats all the time. But at least cats can talk back.

FancyShark

Bees aren't going to drop everything just because YOUR schedule is open, Meera

gellaho

If only there were something that could be cut from this book to reduce it's length

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Honestly, if anything could understand humans it would be bees.

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol power breakfast at the pancake house

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It's why they sting us to death when they can.

infinite tempest jakesy

These emo bands are out of control

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

💥 POWER PANCAKE BREAKFAST 💥

gellaho

The girdle is frosty

FancyShark

SMASH THAT WILDBERRY SYRUP IN YOUR FACE

infinite tempest jakesy

IHOP MORE LIKE ISTOMP, MOTHERFUCKERS

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They do bench presses between stacks of flapjacks.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Pushups into a stack of flapjacks

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF HYPECAKES

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

GETTIN FLAP-JACKED

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Tear phone books in half with the power of Christ and maple syrup.

infinite tempest jakesy

Not one real life person has ever spoken like this

FancyShark

Not unless they were a reploid

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"The girdle is frosty" is how Bill Shatner handwaves the extra pounds he put on between shoots

gellaho

Just becoming more and more skeletal

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"The girdle is frosty" sounds like code for a dowager is due for a hump

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Old Italian ladies who run jewelry shops with their husbands are the number one demographic for reploid replacement.

FancyShark

Lidia/Meera must be insufferable at parties

gellaho

OK, but how about this?

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heheheheh. Prong.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"And the tiny flecks of blood from the child miners..."

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

If your mounting prong is loose it might be time to back off on the KY jelly.

infinite tempest jakesy

Filigree deez nuts

FancyShark

I'm gonna need to sit down before the relentless pace knocks me out

gellaho

Lidia with the footlong fingers

FancyShark

IS SHE STEADY?! IS SHE-

oh she is

I need to read faster

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol how do you splay your fingers

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

GIF

FancyShark

Just stretch them as far from each other as possible

gellaho

Just some vital information

FancyShark

The hair twisting is going to pay off in spades in act three

infinite tempest jakesy

The classic Edwardian style we all know

FancyShark

I think it's legit funny when a book talks down to the reader about pointless shit

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Arthur Conan Doyle wished he could write scenes as gripping as "Old lady remembers small detail, muses about air conditioning."

gellaho

DAMN TEENS AND THEIR SUPER SODAS

FancyShark

Stupid teens and their love of antique jewelry

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol did she put Big Gulp in a thesaurus?

That's what that is right

FancyShark

Easily

Imagine her up at 3am yelling at the publisher that it needs to be a Big Gulp or the scene falls apart

gellaho

A small town just full of white women with dreadlocks

infinite tempest jakesy

I think I also figured out why half the characters speak like aliens: she's find/replacing a bunch of words with "synonyms" to mix it up

FancyShark

How dare this unruly young mother not observe proper chotchky etiquette!

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This scene needs to reveal that the woman is a Predator and Predators just live in Napa Valley and its normal.

GIF

Brendan

Try having dreadlocks in a jewelry store in a small town.

FancyShark

Picking up designer skulls and tossing them over their shoulders

gellaho

Goddammit, you're from fucking Canada and live in New York

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"What do you MEAN they dont suit my eyes?!"

gellaho

Stop pretending like you're fresh of the boat from France

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Nobody is more deliberately French than someone from Canada.

FancyShark

Meera took one Saturday French class, kept the English-French dictionary she bought, and hasn't shut up about it in years

gellaho

I like how you detect.

FancyShark

"You ask stupid and obvious questions. How intriguing."

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Yeah every good husband knows you give wife earrings when you have a mistress, or murder someone.

gellaho

So damn horny indeed, me

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Someone's been leaning against the beehive

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I mean I'd be more interested in fucking the lady cop who doesnt live like shes 85 too.

infinite tempest jakesy

Girlfriend

gellaho

Kat's in a nineties teen movie

FancyShark

Cha, girl

gellaho

You mean the one that collects doilies?

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Nope, just stopped wanting to fuck either one of them.

FancyShark

Meera writes like she wishes she had a friend

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

She sleeps with her chickens and bees?

Oh wait no, she told her friend she brings a buzzing cock to bed and friend got confused.

gellaho

I know what you mean, girlfriend

FancyShark

You know it, girl

gellaho

Stupid sexy Flanders

FancyShark

Stephen sounds just as insufferable as everyone else

He'll fit right in

gellaho

Spill it, sister

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

You go, girlfriend headbob

FancyShark

"Sorry, was it too soon to bring up your dead brother? I guess he obviously got rave reviews since this town is so small he probably had no competition."

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"Hey its really weird how this small town has two world class chefs, huh?"

FancyShark

"I'm sure the second chef will miss having someone to prevent him from being the best"

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I'm calling it, Flanders is the too-obvious red herring perp

gellaho

"I spit on ze English pig, Shakespeare! You Amereekans no nothing of ze theatre!"

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He's really angling for that three way he thinks she promised him.

FancyShark

"Specifically, I have an urge for a cream pie," she said, unblinking and breathing heavily at Philippe.

"I do not care for American baking," Philippe replied.

gellaho

No, but what's his real name

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In a different kind of book I'd say Abby and Kat were going to cook and eat him.

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

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Fuck you, Meera. Wayne Wu?

gellaho

"I'm telling you, that fart was so loud"

infinite tempest jakesy

Wu Wu Wu Kenny Wu!

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"I'm craving a quickie," she breathed.

"It's pronounced quiche," he sneered.

FancyShark

That's an Elmer Fudd alias

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I hear hes gonna use it for an upcoming reboot of Fu Manchu.

gellaho

Abby thinking soy beans

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

WEED BROWNIES?!

FancyShark

This is going to kill off the meth-enchilada market

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"Wait are you implying........oh no, I mean like chicken nuggets."

gellaho

I'm not sure you've gotten it yet, but luckily Meera is going to continue

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"I said we should try making Impossible Burgers."

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol she's going to narc on him for making edibles?

FancyShark

What a hero

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Well, some people call it "herb"

gellaho

$700 for a shack!? Oh, right, California

infinite tempest jakesy

Hold up so now she's getting involved in a Henny Penny Farmette Drug Ring?

Brendan

Still trying to make this menage a bee-lady happen.

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Its hilarious that anyone who lived thru the 90s or later thinks anyone is going to kill someone over a weed deal and not like heroin or something.

Brendan

Quality. Tres bien sur.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

what the fuck is wrong with cozy mysteries that they always have to include a drug ring sideplot?!

FancyShark

Apparently Abby learned how to be a cop from nagging and immediately trusting what people say

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

the most realistic thing about this book so far

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I'm starting to see why she stopped

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The Grandma method of policing.

FancyShark

If she employs guilt, she's going to be unstoppable

gellaho

I can't imagine anyone would give a shit

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"Have you thought about what this will do to your poor aged mother when she hears about it? She will drop dead rather than live with the shame I tell you what."

Brendan

And I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for you prematurely elder middle-aged ladies and your meddling BEES!

gellaho

I mean, there are only so many ways to bake a cake

FancyShark

"This town fears what it doesn't understand. Like police procedure or non-caucasians or dialogue."

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I was just reading someone's opinion in a Julia Child bio "there's no such thing as an original recipe"

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"Or box wine."

gellaho

Not to mention, the Quebecois chef was making cannolis. I don't know if people are worried about authenticity

FancyShark

Mama mia sacre blur

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I think in a small town they're grateful for any fresh patisserie.

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Reminds me I ordered cannoli and the store was out.

FancyShark

or water

gellaho

Getting wasted on cream liqueur

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In a small town youd be grateful if literally anyone moved in just so you didnt have to look at Dave and his stupid face and his stupid wife for a while.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Oooh big man

FancyShark

You could drink something else?

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Fellas is it gay to get hammered on cream liqueur and trashtalk local pastry chefs?

FancyShark

I get angry when I drink, but that's because I don't like the taste of alcohol

gellaho

No, not the man who's best friend is a male flight attendant! Certainly not

LFCHEF

FancyShark

That's short for "Let's Fucking CHEEEEEEEEF!"

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Bud..........you know you dont actually have to answer her questions, rihgt?

Shes just some nosey beekeeper and a dead guys shitty brother.

gellaho

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Oh hey I have that one.

FancyShark

Now it's trying to be Sideways

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I want Philippe to die. Not because I care he's shitting on American wines, but because he's annoying about it.

gellaho

Which media?

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"I'm a true crime podcaster."

FancyShark

YOU DON'T MOLD SYRUP, MEERA

LyraV

Call them linkages again please that's totally a thing.

gellaho

Later on

FancyShark

Is it, Abby? It sounds like motive

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Abby may not be the right person to have that conversation with tho, because she definitely wants to fuck.

gellaho

Let me tell you what it aroused in me

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But damn Meera, even I know that French people dont think eye contact is a sign you are DTF, what the fuck hon?

gellaho

I wanna fuck some oysters

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Henny Penny OysterQuest 3000: This Time It's Clammy

gellaho

FancyShark

This is all a build up to the greatest PSA about food poisoning you've ever seen

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Mmmm. Oysters. The first and last time I ate oysters I ate so many I threw up on the way home.

Worth it.

gellaho

What if you put cheese on it?

You know, how people do

FancyShark

Meera, simmering is so far from a roiling boil they're pratically opposites

gellaho

Ooh, boy

This is one hell of a chapter start

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Ouf Meera, that is a bad recipe.

Brendan

Don't eat oysters in months that start with Bee.

FancyShark

hahahahahahaha

Brendan

The Colony Wars of 2016 were vicious.

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This has the added benefit of making your chickens taste delicious, which the local foxes will surely appreciate.

Brendan

Are we sure the gangs aren't beehives and the stabbings are stingers?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

these epigraphs were meant to be in a completely different book

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Hahahahah also gang violence in Napa Valley.

FancyShark

So the west side is Napa Valley and the east side is Stalingrad 1931

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I love the idea that Napa Valley has just hordes of middle aged WASPS in color coded polo shirts knifing each other.

FancyShark

"Let's cut a bitch, Muffie"

gellaho

Seems like a comfortable way to sit

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"Egads, Barbara, I think those ragamuffins have stabbed Chester!"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

hahaha Napa Valley has droogs.

Brendan

Better steal that corpse just to be safe.

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Wh.....what? Meera what?

No?

FancyShark

So there's constant stabbings on the other side of town and they have no reason to think the baker's murder isn't related?

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This........no?

This is what reading a coroners report is for, Meera!

Meera, hol up. Do you think they dig murder victims back up on the regular?!

gellaho

A chicken named mystery

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

tag yourself I'm Houdini

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Mystery has a big ass hat and real bad attitudes about women.

FancyShark

I'm trilling purrs

gellaho

Might be time to switch to digital, it is 2015, Meera

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GIF

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

man, we're really only just now getting around to planning the fucking funeral

Brendan

Yes, Abby, take shelter in the unfailing wisdom of the patriarchy.

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Why the fuck is Abby planning his funeral and not like......his brother?

gellaho

Espaliered

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Or literally anyone else?!

Brendan

Because his brother has to be the killer eventually.

he's gonna slip up and mention something he shouldn't have been in town for.

gellaho

He's too French, as is his whole family

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Pack his ass in ice and send him back to France Canadia or wherever, like a normal person, Abby.

gellaho

The actual reason for the parents is that their old and if the dad leaves the mom might die from Parkinson's

FancyShark

The brother has to be the killer or else Abby has to be in a relationship with him the rest of the series

gellaho

But Phillipe just sucks

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

there's always gotta be one failson to make the heir look better

gellaho

FancyShark

Will this have an effect on the narrative?

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Abby, if your doggo stinks, its because you fucked up. Wash that dog and contemplate your errors.

FancyShark

I could have asked that at any point. I just chose now.

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Its good the books title is at the top of pages or I would have forgotten this was a murder mystery more often.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

god I hope Phillipe gets outed as the murderer because of dog stank.

gellaho

Randomly changing font on the D

Brendan

Your American coroners zey are zo difficile to understand, non? Always zey are sucking out the blood and replacing with zis embalming fluid, as if to say, I wish to suck you and be filled with liquid me own self.

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She change the font on my D til I print.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

she font change on my wingdings til I papyrus all over the place

Brendan

And ze undertaker! Oh la la! All understaker is wishing to make menage a trois avec un corpse! Quelle zut! So much the sex they want!

FancyShark

Stop infantilizing the cop lady, Meera

FancyShark

Sir, I'm not going to ask again. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

gellaho

Abby is a master manipulator

FancyShark

"Nice try, lady. I didn't fall for it when that bald guy asked me to look away, either."

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

fucking critfailed that persuasion roll but points for making me think of that gag on Babylon 5 where Garibaldi tries to bond with a fash thug over space fox news and he says he doesn't watch TV

gellaho

"I surrender!"

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hahahahaha yeah sure, Kat is a small town cop who can afford to restore a classic car. Im sure she doesnt take bribes.

gellaho

I mean, it's a Datsun

Brendan

We're not so different, you and I, Abby. We both sell honey, in a certain sense.

gellaho

Two years ago, I was having a great time with this one

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

oh my god she italicized it where it didn't need to be italicized?!

what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck??

how do you fuck that up?

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Goddammit.

FancyShark

Gotta pad the word count somehow

gellaho

This is written in 2015

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Italicizing a word means you knew it was a thing, MEERA!

gellaho

gellaho

And about people in American prisons who could conceivably be visited

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"Hello beloved family. Here is a copy of today's newspaper to prove it is today's date. I am doing well in prison. The beatings are humane and educational."

gellaho

Not like political prisoners abroad

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hahahah this means Meera is still on that VHS tip.