101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

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Beware the full moon and sow no crops, for the full moon is the time of the weregrandma.

gellaho

Hormones: how do they work

gellaho

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Delicious heirloom beans.

infinite tempest jakesy

Heirloom bean. Is that some some of weird pussy reference

Ramb$ne

so is this lady just trying to indoctrinate everyone with cottagecore while pretending there's a murder mystery going on?

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If only.

infinite tempest jakesy

Dammit Meera

gellaho

gellaho

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There was definitely a murder, Meera is just ignoring it.

Ramb$ne

cottagecore is more important anyway

infinite tempest jakesy

I don't want to know the realization

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That dog is clearly going to start telling Abby to kill again.

gellaho

She can't leave her underwear all over the place or keep uneaten sandwiches out

Because apparently she did that a lot

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol those smells should not be similar

Brendan

She had me at the cover, can't lie.

gellaho

Time to meet the love interest

infinite tempest jakesy

The love interest:

GIF

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"willowy" nice, her bark is nice and smooth and her arms are perfect for whipping disobedient children.

gellaho

The fuck is a seedling

gellaho

And a grown ass woman saying OMG

Brendan

I grow heirloom beans, and I can tell you they actually do plant themselves.

FancyShark

And now I look forward to Kat's demise

Brendan

However, they grow faster if you do the work.

infinite tempest jakesy

Is it true that they're the magical fruit?

And the more you eat, the more you toot

Brendan

Maybe she just likes being bent over, you don't know.

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GIF

Brendan

Maybe she often weeps at the edge of ponds.

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Also she needs to be more careful and maybe not wear heels? She seems to trip a lot.

Brendan

Does this book detour into talking about VCOs and why abby will only use milk paint?

FancyShark

NO! DON'T GIVE IT IDEAS!

Brendan

I like to think Kat learned English watching American DVD of Sitcom Telelaughter and so she thinks all USA Yankee are be saying "Girlfriend" like on hit 1990 show Living Single.

gellaho

So, you want to know why she spent so much time talking about how hot the gay French pastry chef was? Because there's a Boner brother!

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Like pro tip, y'all, dont wear your high heels to do gardening work, the plants dont appreciate how nice they make your legs and butt look.

Brendan

What was Tallulah's last name?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"Yeah, too bad he died, but don't worry; they have a spare."

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol boner, nice

gellaho

Berry

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"hon hon hon, check out moi massive Bonheur!"

gellaho

Dora the bridge explorer

Ramb$ne

i'm interpreting this as a challenge

Brendan

Bonheur & Berry: Pastry Detectives. Picture a whole series of THEM solving crimes before it ends with chef's strangulation by Cake Moriarty.

Ramb$ne

i'd read the Bonheur Boys Case Files

Brendan

You need those protagonists clumsy so readers will see themselves in her.

gellaho

Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen, Chief Bob Allen,

FancyShark

"I'm sorry about your brother. He was filled with rage and died with his lungs collapsing from lack of air. You want a drink?"

gellaho

And with the suicide, things could return to normal

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I was already doing that when I imagined she was Gillian Anderson.

infinite tempest jakesy

Bonheur Boys Casefiles #1: The Case of the Crossed Swords

gellaho

We could all breathe a sigh of relief, if it was a suicide

Brendan

In Russian bachelor party, marriageable woman fall INTO cake!

Very clumsy she is

Also was push

Out cake window

by Putins

AM RUSSKI

Please clap.

gellaho

Brendan

"And I was a real creep doing so!"

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GIF

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Don't use honey. That shit gets everywhere and takes forever to get out.

Brendan

Don't use whipped cream, either.

STANK

Ramb$ne

weirdly enough?

whipped honey gets the job done

FancyShark

The bees immediately clock the brother as a threat and sting him to death

infinite tempest jakesy

The Bonheur Brothers can eat a honeycomb all day

Brendan

That man could suck a honeycomb dry and not crinkle a single hexagon.

gellaho

Squeezing balls

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Ladies. And gentlemen.

infinite tempest jakesy

Just like Nick Cage in John Travolta in Face/Off

gellaho

Boner

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

hahaha I'm totally supposed to be picturing JCVD if he aged a little more gracefully here, aren't I.

Ramb$ne

"your name's boner?"

"muhmommatukone"

Brendan

Gendarme, I inzizt you zolve zis MAIRDAIR of mon FRERE [hacking noise] immediatement!

gellaho

"I haff not had un thin cigarette in nearly three hours, mademoiselle"

Ramb$ne

oh man if this suddenly becomes "farm lesbian tries to date gay poirot'

i will not be able to divert my attention

infinite tempest jakesy

You know it's gonna

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GIF

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"I just wanted to see ze sword"

FancyShark

Phil, you're from Boston. Drop the act

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

don't give me hope

Brendan

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Bonner--AH, Bone--nip-BONER me me my, my nipple boner in? Bonheur vagina. FUCK! Bonheur. Pleased I am. My honeycomb."

gellaho

AND WHERE IS LE BERET DU MOI

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

Ramb$ne

his name is Philip Boner. i can't.

Brendan

Everyone laughed at this and Russia but gets real uncomfortable when my accents wander outside of Europe.

gellaho

You thought I was kidding

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Philip Boner and Edouard Beef IN: The Bonheur Brothers Presents: A Very Boner Christmas.

infinite tempest jakesy

"Wee wee, tabernac baguette hoh hoh"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Asking politely for permission and then doing it anyway.

Yup, this guy's French.

Ramb$ne

Philippe and Maxime "Max" Bonheur in: Bonheur Boys Case Files #75: Maximum Intensity

Brendan

This man's pain is played for laughs because he has a minitel.

In my head, at least, because it's still 1991 in this book.

gellaho

He was, how you say, "Le gay"

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I can feel the beret in his back pocket.

infinite tempest jakesy

"Meera and the Bonheur Brothers: She's a grower, they're the show-ers"

See because she's a farmer- you know what I'll see myself out

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Ironically, that argument was about Jean-Louis using a weird folding method instead of the traditional one for croissants and the biker was really offended.

Brendan

Farmer? I barely even POLICE her!

gellaho

Time for the horniness to begin!

Ramb$ne

ok so if there's a bee around and a bee stings you?

it releases attack pheromones

FancyShark

Abby begins working on turning herself into a bee so she can get closer to his face

Ramb$ne

this dude's dead if he's near the hive

infinite tempest jakesy

Oh no there's horniness

Brendan

She met the man mourning his brother's death that morning and wondered what his stinger would feel like in her flesh.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

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Again, Abby doesnt know the rules and that French people can use Speak With Bees.

gellaho

Dream big

FancyShark

I mean, I'd like free granite countertops

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Wow a whole ten thousand dollars. Dude she has a farm in Napa Valley.

infinite tempest jakesy

How much do writing lessons cost

FancyShark

$10K sounds about right for granite countertops

gellaho

For everyone interested in moving bees

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Like 10k isnt even enough for a car, I wouldnt solve the murder of a gay baker for less than 25 just on principle.

Like the hours youd have to put in on that alone.......

gellaho

Thanks, Meera

infinite tempest jakesy

I think she's getting paid in Bonheur as well

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

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Or just dont get stung by bees.

MEERA.

infinite tempest jakesy

The simplest treatment for fatigue is sleeping- Wakesy Jakesy Apartmette Almenac

Brendan

The simplest treatment for a dull ache in legs is not eating slugs. --Me!

gellaho

Meera saw a guy riding a bike with his dogs, and decided she needed to shame him in this book

gellaho

FancyShark

The simplest treatment for hunger is to eat food. You're welcome, starving people.

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Also if you move a hive, you have to use smoke to make the bees sleepy, or the move will stress them out.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

infinite tempest jakesy

I prefer to make them sleepy by reading this book to them

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Nobody likes stressed bees.

Brendan

Our hero wanders a small town snitching on everyone to Chief Bob Allen

gellaho

Never want to get stung in the boner

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Report him for.........having dogs?

infinite tempest jakesy

Why does he keep trying to speak French to her

FancyShark

Because he's a dick

I mean, a boner

gellaho

Bee gut rupture, orgasm

infinite tempest jakesy

You're not supposed to have dogs in baskets, you're only supposed to berate them for scratching your fucked up cabinets

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Ouf, le main du masterber

FancyShark

Phil would have survived if he had gotten an epipen in time. Except someone was too busy talking about orgasms to get him to the hospital

infinite tempest jakesy

"Buttering the ol' baguette"

FancyShark

"Pugelizing le clown"

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"Madame, why are you quoting le pop songs at moi?! I need medecin! I do not want to go to bed with you right now!"

infinite tempest jakesy

He requires Bonheur pills

FancyShark

The bees have already stolen his wallet and racked up so many fraudulent charges on his card

gellaho

Later, at the police station

gellaho

Abby thinks this injury is hilarious

infinite tempest jakesy

Wait Chief who?

FancyShark

That's Chief BOB Allen

Show some respect, Sherman

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I like how you just wrote "hate"

FancyShark

"I was tell you how I hurt myself. Why are you laughing, you fucking sociopath?"

gellaho

If I haven't called Abby a bitch in this book somewhere, I'd be surprised

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Nettie needs to sue her employer, that is a clear violation.

I mean gas for an MRAP is expensive, but cmon dude. You lose more money in these lawsuits than you save by using dangerous furniture, just use the expired CS gas for a few more months.

gellaho

Black and white photographs in 2015

gellaho

"The occasion would have been a funeral," wrote the professional writer

Brendan

Is this guy too French to understand bees?

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Oh god Chief Bob Allen is THAT kind of fucker, a photo filter one.

FancyShark

I mean, it might be a black sash. Monochrome pictures rob some nuance from the image

infinite tempest jakesy

Having been a funeral, the chief is was weren't the same tense again

gellaho

They just give out police evidence, right?

Brendan

So the Chief Bob Allen thing is a dig at his self-importance, right?

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"Not for fucking, for treating your horrible bee wounds, I mean."

"Maybe some fucking, after the venom is drained."

infinite tempest jakesy

With my dick

FancyShark

Or because Meera thinks a name that starts with the first three letters of the alphabet backwards is clever

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"I mean you GOT that big hand already, might as well do something with it."

Brendan

"So this is kind of a reversal: I mean, me, pulling an organ out of your engorged flesh..." tittered the wholesome homesteader, mortaring a poultice.

gellaho

FancyShark

I've been stung! Someone go get my mystery novel!

infinite tempest jakesy

Thanks, Wikipedia

Brendan

WikiHow to solve a cozy murder.

gellaho

Explain to me how it is

Brendan

Can't even tell you how often I need to get my henhouse to a new location before the police arrive.

FancyShark

Yes, if the move happened before, then it clearly is something already done, Meera

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Meera, chickens are so fucking stupid if you just leave them in one place they automatically assume they were always there.

gellaho

I really enjoyed this extremely detailed description of getting dressed

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ylang-ylang, that thing that everyone knows what it smells like and is.

Brendan

"I'm ready for our date!" giggled the independent farmer, stepping onto the porch to solve his brother's murder.

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Also Abby smells like a grandma.

infinite tempest jakesy

Yeah we all know what that is, it's the technical name for the fancy S everyone drew in high school

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Sadly Philip Boner is allergic to floral scents.

gellaho

Left myself a little post it note

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HE HAS INSULTED OUR AMERICAN CHEESE! KILL HIM!

infinite tempest jakesy

I laughed out loud at "this cheese is terrible"

gellaho

Let's see. Yes, that is quite horny

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I am now convinced he is the murderer.

Brendan

It's wisconsin port wine, you swine, i thought you people liked those two things

Brendan

Has he given her a single sign?

infinite tempest jakesy

The emphasis on the two fingers thing makes me uncomfortable

Brendan

If my brother died, I would be so unhorny, no matter how French my turtleneck.

infinite tempest jakesy

Existing While French

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Only by being French.

If my brother died I would absolutely bone down tho.

gellaho

Do you get it? He's French!

FancyShark

Way to kill the mood, asshole

infinite tempest jakesy

He's going to place himself in her hands or mouth

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M-m-m-MAXIMUM FRENCH!

gellaho

Ze threesome, mademoiselle?

Brendan

Well we all grieve in our own cheese style.

infinite tempest jakesy

Is the third going to be a swarm of bees

Brendan

For a French guy, he sure is Dutch.

gellaho

We eat like ze fuck?

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Abby doing a bad job concealing how horny she is.

gellaho

Brendan

Kat shows up with vodka.

infinite tempest jakesy

Wait I've got just the guy

FancyShark

[HOLLOW OUT TARGET]

[BEGIN CONSTRUCT MOBILE HIVE]

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

Brendan

This scene is really undoing my outlier support for this book.

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Philip orders the classic French dessert: Cannoli, just like his brother used to make.

gellaho

Knees weak, pulse is thready

FancyShark

Yayy! Brendan's joining us in the hate section!

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Immediately reams the cream out with his tongue, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Brendan

Bro's cannoli

FancyShark

Meanwhile, her crops have been consumed by aphids

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Abby is so horny shes about to go into cardiac arrest.

Brendan

She's hoping that he can cure her lonely

Brendan

Dessert time: pastry's holy

gellaho

Twist: he's fucking Canadian

FancyShark

DECEPTION!

infinite tempest jakesy

TABERNAC!

Brendan

She looks calm but underneath she's horny solely

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ZUT ALORS!

FancyShark

Abby, it's the easiest thing in the world to stop being horny. Just remind yourself he'll never touch you and the mere thought would make him vomit. Then you're golden.

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Or just rub one out in the bathroom.

Brendan

Just smile and grab his dick under the table, all of this is labor.

infinite tempest jakesy

If you want to stick to the murder mystery theme just pull a Lansbury and blast yourself in the bathtub

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I always assume thats why ladies take so much time in the bathroom anyway.

Brendan

If I could have no-trace orgasms with immediate rebound I would never write another word of comedy.

Cue Javo.

infinite tempest jakesy

Ope, there goes gravity

Brendan

There goes Abby she

gellaho

They go through the evidence the police gave them for some reason. Then fairy rings

gellaho

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Okay but dont come complaining to me when you have to start leaving milk and honey and booze out for the sidhe, Meera.

infinite tempest jakesy

Fairy ring, is that more horny shit or is it actually a thing

FancyShark

It's a real fake thing

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Yeah its a thing, its usually a ring of mushrooms.

FancyShark

Like, a real decoration

gellaho

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They just grow like that sometimes.

infinite tempest jakesy

The almanac tips might somehow be the worst thing in this book

FancyShark

GIF

gellaho

The famous bird call "worky-worky-worky"

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol

FancyShark

The mating call of the Almost Chocobo

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I prefer "dibby dibby doo, dibby doo dibby doo".

infinite tempest jakesy

I think she has a flock of robins Williams

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Meera, fun bird fact, the barred owl has a call that sounds like "who cooks for you all".

gellaho

Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster

gellaho

Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster, Dumpster

infinite tempest jakesy

Dumpster™️

Brendan

I try not to attract 5D beings if possible

A homeless person finds newspaper useful? VERY suspicious.

FancyShark

Maybe he was selling fish, Abby

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Boy Abby is really focused on the harmless old homeless woman right now.

Gonna stitch up that poor old woman like she did that Turkish rug salesman.

gellaho

Maybe free-range bees were a bad idea

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

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Abby.........I think maybe you dont know enough about beekeeping.

gellaho

Had to skin a whole bunch of children for these gloves

Brendan

Abby, if you have to do all these tricks to keep them, are they really your bees? We talked about this after Clay.

GUYS, WAS CLAY A BEE

Ramb$ne

it's honestly more gruesome to think she turned baby goats into leather

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Like.........I think all you have to do to keep bees from leaving is make the hole too small to drag the queen out of.

Or just........make them not wanna leave?

Like they dont abandon a hive casually.

gellaho

Time for the handsome widower to show up

Ramb$ne

i mean colony collapse disorder's totally a thing but you really gotta take a running start at that

FancyShark

"I can't love so quickly after Clay left so suddenly" is a million times more Misery if that's the case. God, I hope that's the case.