101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

Ramb$ne

"Hambone what brings you to today's Book Cage"

"they were talking about bees."

gellaho

Sexy bee suit disrobing

Brendan

I saw a video of a goat hunger strike its llama friend's absence, and then jump off the walls when reunited, and that ruined chivo for me at the butcher.

Goats am nice.

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Jesus Abby, you just got done flooding a restaurant about the French guy.

gellaho

Horny, but also, incomprehensible

FancyShark

On the Wings of a Beekeeper

Ramb$ne

i think she just described Steelhead

Brendan

James Bond averages 2.1 babes per movie, she's within bounds.

FancyShark

FancyShark

How many bees does he have?

gellaho

Abby is a brilliant detective

Brendan

Does a PPK count?

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FancyShark

Still the hottest thing ever said on a date

Brendan

Abby doesn't do a lot of cop thinking.

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Too horny for cop thinking.

FancyShark

"Why would a sexy man stop by to help me? That's weird."

Brendan

Has she even planted evidence on a personal enemy yet?

FancyShark

Kat meanwhile be like "HIT THAT SHIT"

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure the guy who leases businesses is also into tiny illegal marijuana farms

Ramb$ne

that' is actually a commen phenomenon where i live

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I mean yeah its a good source of tax free income.

FancyShark

"No, wait. Lou Dobbs. Won't shut up about finances."

Ramb$ne

they'll just trespass onto a quiet corner of 20-40 acres and just plant and hope nobody notices

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Alot of fields around here also have a bit of marijuana or something.

Whos even gonna notice in all that corn?

gellaho

But I'm sure the guy subletting to Subway isn't involved

FancyShark

So did Meera do her homework or get lucky guessing?

gellaho

Almost

FancyShark

Lock your doors. There are bees out here.

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Sometimes when you are high as shit, nothing will do like a footlong and a cookie. Its all revenue, bay bee.

Demand for one drives demand for the other/

Ramb$ne

i think Meera may have lived in SF for a bit or just reads newspapers from around here

gellaho

Abby never needs to water her crops. A handsome man just needs to show up

Brendan

These books usually have one bad boy and one good man. We just have Phil.

infinite tempest jakesy

She can fix the hole

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Abby needs to get laid so bad, she can barely think straight.

gellaho

Ooh, all over little ol' me?

Ramb$ne

the whole let's go have a farm out in the woods/hills thing was huge with the back to the land movement

gellaho

Also, Canadian

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Devils threesome with the cowboy and the Frenchman.

Brendan

I mean, I visited Redding for half a day and learned about the pot farm politics.

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Right there on the grassy sward.

Go for it Meera, give the bees a show.

gellaho

Make your own soap! But, only for four baths

infinite tempest jakesy

I…huh?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Pooh Bear, probably

infinite tempest jakesy

One of the ingredients in the soap is soap

FancyShark

Are you eating the soap? How can you only have enough for four baths?

gellaho

And half a cup of honey

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lol unless you make your own essential oils this is really stupid.

gellaho

You know, that thing that isn't sticky at all

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If you do its really time consuming.

FancyShark

There's waffle in the waffles!

gellaho

infinite tempest jakesy

I decide which oils are essential. I am the megabiome

gellaho

Fuck your heirloom popcorn, Meera

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I agree, fuck you, Meera.

Heirloom popcorn my fuckin balls.

FancyShark

Heirloom popcorn is potpourri

Brendan

ME but what a waste of ingredients. Get a foam pump, honey,

infinite tempest jakesy

She needs some kind of pump that's for sure

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I mean glass gem corn can make a neat looking popcorn but still.

gellaho

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okay he rocketed by being French and is now just an asshole.

Wait, is he negging her?

gellaho

Cake boy

Brendan

My hometown theater had this, ruled, and just closed. I am sad. Will no earthy redhead cheer ME?

FancyShark

"What's wrong, Phil? Why don't you consume baked goods to take your mind off your murdered baker brother?"

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"Yeah I called him cake boy, because he is white and I want to fill him with cream. What's that? Twink? Never heard of it."

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"What, you mean twinkie? like the snack cake? Fuck outta heeyah"

infinite tempest jakesy

Well I'm still going to be the cake boy on account of never missing leg day

gellaho

Meera wants you to know that Dobbs is a bad person, so she's just throwing everything at the wall. Even if it doesn't really make sense

gellaho

infinite tempest jakesy

But the other thing is good too I guess

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"You foreigners, always wanting to turn a hetero man on man dumpster bukkake into something sexual."

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Lou Dobbs? Always thought he was a shitheel.

gellaho

Like going from saying he wouldn't renew the lease because he was gay, then calling him a "Castro clone"

infinite tempest jakesy

Which Castro tho

Brendan

Gay dollars just don't spend the same, moans NorCal landlord.

Ramb$ne

Castro as in the autocrat or Castro as in Castro District?

CD is famously very gay

FancyShark

Hell yes on the title

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Fidel Castro, a notorious gay communist baker.

I mean he did hate landlords, so...........

LyraV

I thought today was Saturday and have missed all the action!

Ramb$ne

yeah dude Meera spent like one summer in SF and decided she was a NorCal native

LyraV

I'll scroll up 😅

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There's still more left!

infinite tempest jakesy

Summary: Meera horny

Ramb$ne

also bees

gellaho

OK

gellaho

FancyShark

You have missed very little action. A baker was murdered. The MC is a horny lady who keeps bees and used to be a cop. And she's thirsty for the dead guy's brother

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Been there. Hambone had to patiently explain to me that no, it isnt Saturday night not that long ago too.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

who is in all likelihood JCVD

Ramb$ne

patience was never part of the deal.

FancyShark

There's also a love triangle going on with the MC, the baker bro and a beekeeper widow

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I GOT IT FOR FREE AND YOU DIDNT EVEN REALIZE! HAHAHA!

LyraV

They spent hours cleaning up the toilet paper afterwards tho so was the Rocky Horror Picture Show really worth it?

Brendan

Try THAT in a small town!

FancyShark

We also got recipes for soap and moving bees

Brendan

...when did we get a Clem emoji?

gellaho

Ramb$ne

i drew it for when he's not around

FancyShark

Get Nitro and I can get you in to the vaults

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I love how a young man being enthusiastic for a very specific movie causes Abby to think "Huh. He must really like movies."

gellaho

Proffer #3

LyraV

In my very small high school speech class I gave a speech on the dances of Rocky Horror and promised my teacher I'd show the time warp. I instead showed Tim Curry doing 'Sweet Transvestite' and watching their reactions is one of my happier memories.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

oh but when it's Star Wars suddenly it's a red flag all of a sudden, I see how it is

Ramb$ne

we don't make the rules we just enforce them

gellaho

Abby makes a very confusing comment about a bolo tie

gellaho

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Wait..........what?!

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahaha why

FancyShark

Sick burn...?

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Is she thinking maybe its the murder weapon?

Brendan

I save my money for heirloom beans, thank you.

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But.........im pretty sure they established that the homeless lady cut him down........

gellaho

Get it? He's fat!

FancyShark

Wise. The offer stands, tho

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Meera were you so busy with fucking bee facts you forgot your own plot?!

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

That classic pitfall

LyraV

Are bolo ties meant to hold things and I've just never been made aware of that?

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I can throw in a Jason Pargin soundboard if that's what it takes for the dog to bite.

Ramb$ne

i think she's saying he has a big neck?

FancyShark

The bees garroted the baker. Come on, Meera. It's like you think we haven't read one of these before.

Ramb$ne

like there's just not enough string to get around his neck?

infinite tempest jakesy

Everyone knows you don't measure bolos by their length, you do it by their age

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This Sherlock Holmes shit is tired, Meera, go back to the horny.

gellaho

Meera would love for you to give her a round of applause for her bravery

FancyShark

Because bigots famously clam up when you point out they're bigots

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"Actually no, I just think he made shitty pastries. You know what kind of techniques he used?! He's supposed to be a French chef but he kept yelling about Solar Gauntlets and shit."

FancyShark

GIF

infinite tempest jakesy

Kept talking about his Bonheur

LyraV

This cleared up absolutely nothing.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

That's a very fucking specific measurement that takes one out of the story.

FancyShark

Hell yes, new title, @Ramb$ne

gellaho

"You shouldn't judge people. Also, you obviously snore too loud actually sleep in the same room with your wife, you fat piece of shit"

infinite tempest jakesy

Americans will do anything to avoid using the metric system

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I think what I really need to do is read an awful book I own and give it annotations like this.

Then again that's what ebooks are good for.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

My husband snores horribly and after all these years I 100% can sleep through it.

gellaho

Eating pie to cheer yourself up

infinite tempest jakesy

The boner guy is eating some pie you say

FancyShark

You know what kind of-

DAMMIT, SCOOPED

gellaho

And you know what that means

infinite tempest jakesy

Abby wants him to eat her pie, interesting tell me more Meera

gellaho

Pie recipe!

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahahaha god dammit

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"Oh mais non, it was terrible like everything else in America. I just wanted to bring her back to your home for group sex. Is that not what you meant by that wine choice?"

FancyShark

It's the low country because it's populated by-

nope

Ramb$ne

not even using a homemade crust

get out

the bees are disappointed, Meera

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

My friend keeps telling me I need to write a novel with recipes in. 😐

LyraV

Oh so it's one of THOSE books.

FancyShark

You get a store-bought crust, it better be oreo or what's the damn point?

infinite tempest jakesy

Is your friend Meera Lester

Ramb$ne

i'm still not unconvinced girl's writing a travellogue about her San Francisco vacation

LyraV

I have read books about a murder solving caterer and a murder solving alchemist (with a gargoyle) that both have recipes throughout.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Not to my knowledge 🤔

gellaho

PUT BOURBON IN IT

FancyShark

You'd know

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Bourbon is delicious.

gellaho

AT LEAST A FULL HANDLE

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Fuck yeah, get fucked up on pie.

Ramb$ne

the only good pecan is a drunk pecan

we call it Bonheur Pie

LyraV

How else are you going to know you've eaten unless you're wasted? Side dish, Jello Shots.

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Id eat the shit out of a pie that could get me a nice buzz going.

LyraV

Perfect 🤣

Ramb$ne

you'll get hoisted up by your own pecan

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If im drunk enough on pie to have a "See where the night goes" attitude, yeah maybe.

Ramb$ne

i've definitely baked 20% alcohol into bread before

gellaho

Actually got halfway through the 300 page book, sweet

FancyShark

Hell yeah!

infinite tempest jakesy

Oh god there's more

gellaho

Will be finished next week

FancyShark

We halfway did it!

Ramb$ne

year. of. pain!

FancyShark

Stellar riffing, everyone

infinite tempest jakesy

Ms. M'Lester lives to fight another day

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Im kind of enjoying this one.

LyraV

Glad I caught the end thanks everyone!!

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

gellaho

See you next week

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Bees and a horny lady go a long way.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I'll BEE looking forward to it!

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Especially if the bees are chasing her.

Ramb$ne

that's what i've been telling folks for years

FancyShark

Have a great night!

infinite tempest jakesy

I haven't been to a Book Cage in a while but for ESPN Classic Book Cage I feel compelled

FancyShark

Hopefully, @infinite tempest jakesy , we'll learn the brother did it

infinite tempest jakesy

We old heads who defeated Meera ages ago need to ensure that she never rises again

FancyShark

FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY

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Abby is definitely the kind of ex cop cottagecore farmer who fucks a murderer.

infinite tempest jakesy

FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!!! WHICH IT ALWAYS IS!!!

gellaho

I mean, she still hasn't told the bees the gay French chef died

FancyShark

God, that line was amazing

infinite tempest jakesy

Fuck you're right

There's so much more to go

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I'll have to scroll up and catch up

I definitely need to watch gellaho's movies too

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 101.5 - A Beeline to Murder Part 2

"You know, I haven't yet told the bees that Jean-Louis is gone. No, listen. The chef actually came out to the farmette to inspect the bees. He wasn't afraid. He just walked to the hives and stood there, watching and listening, as if he was tuning in to the bees and allowing the bees to sense him."

Tune in to the bees, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

FancyShark

Notice Rhys Bowen makes no mention of a murder mystery

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Tune your ear to the frequency of bees, and cross reference by the latitude and longitude of a heart in agony.

Listen.

Listen.

infinite tempest jakesy

I hope to god they didn't make a Second in the Series

OH NO ITS A TRILOGY

Aaahhhhhhh she even used the same pull quote on the front

FancyShark

Book Nine: The Bees Find Out

infinite tempest jakesy

They're also all over 350 pages

Like how

FancyShark

oh, we've seen how. She pads out the mystery by ignoring it and throwing in mundane conversations she's fantasized about

infinite tempest jakesy

This is true, we have seen this

Still she must be stopped

Retroactively

What's the opposite of a Minority Report

We need that

Ak, Brockwegian Trapmaster

the phrase "farmette in the Bay area" made me gag involuntarily

FancyShark

Time Assassin: "Let's go kill Hitler!"

Jakesy: [points gun at assassin] "I'm commandeering this time machine."

infinite tempest jakesy

Oh yeah that's by far the most infuriating part. Every time she says farmette I instinctively spray CFCs into the air to kill more bees

gellaho

There's something very wrong with those grapes

Ak, Brockwegian Trapmaster

just the bougiest possible phrase

infinite tempest jakesy

Also why are her desserts always so flat and wide

gellaho

Her farm appears to have become wasteland

FancyShark

Fallout: Napa Valley doesn't have the same ring to it

infinite tempest jakesy

Henny Penny Farmette is the single douchiest thing ever written and it's not even close

You can feel the trust fund oozing out of that title

gellaho

It's what the bees commanded her to call it

FancyShark

The banner and font used for "A Henny Penny Farmette Mystery" smacks of "Scholastic Book Fair turned me down?"

infinite tempest jakesy

They were afraid that the students would never want to read again

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"Farmette" is that when you grow a few container plants on the front stoop of your townhouse?

infinite tempest jakesy

I think it's when your parents own 3 acres of land in Liverpool and you want to cosplay as a idyllic homesteader

gellaho

Or when you've written 15 self help books and your bees tell you to write about murder

infinite tempest jakesy

Is it really self help though if the bees are the ones writing it

Really makes you think

gellaho

A little over an hour until A Beeline to Murder concludes. Here is a preview of the next chapter

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"Flawed wine"-ing is all this book has been doing for 9 chapters

FancyShark

Pretty sure jug wine is spoiled juice

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Box wine will get you just as fucked up as anything, and nobody can tell the difference once youve poured.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Box wine has a lot of advantages over bottled TBH

We used it in cooking school

Emergency Stount Cerril

Anything with a tap that lets you get a glass or less and save the rest.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

There's no good reason to use real cork and a lot of good reasons not to.

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

FancyShark

Just think, Jakesy: you could destroy this woman's entire life by eating something she prepared and then saying "it was good, but the wine you used was flawed"

LyraV

That is some classy destruction.

FancyShark

It would be rude to ignore the flashing red weakness if it's being broadcast

gellaho

Buzz buzz

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Let's BEE-gin the process!!!!

LyraV

Oh the dog on the cover yes please 🤣

What happened to its ears?!

infinite tempest jakesy

Oh I'm beelining to murder alright

FancyShark

She better inform the bees this time or so help me

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

No— no! What are you doing?! Let go of me you fools! I have all of you on fucking lists! You can't do this to me—!!

muffled gunshot

LyraV

It looks super happy to eat that chicken that is I guess in the background?

FancyShark

Also, hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @infinite tempest jakesy ! Hi, @LyraV ! Hi, @Badger, alias "Señor Thief" !

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I can't say hi back the book cage police executed me

FancyShark

Get this bee neglecting piece of shit out of my sight

LyraV

Bee lining is what I call the honeycomb pattern inside my jacket. Thank you very much goodnight.

gellaho

Her favorite area, the marcasite display case

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I thought she had a pepperoni pizza cooling on the windowsill

Had to mention the style and color of the pants

FancyShark

Hi, @Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃 !

Marcasite, that substance everyone knows about

infinite tempest jakesy

Lidia Vittorio, that gets 2 Hawkes out of 5 on the Fake Italian Name Scale

gellaho

Just let me stroke the beaded curtain in my jewelry store

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"Her stomach still flat under the control waistband of her cropped pants, despite the pie she devoured like a PIG"

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Lidia Vittorio is the married cousin of Mario and Luigi.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

A beaded curtain hides a room like fishnet stockings hide legs

FancyShark

"Village Rings and Things" was their third choice for store name after "Rings 'N Shit" and "Ring A Ding Ding Elopement Enablers"

Hi, @Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage !

Brendan

hi! I'm on the west coast and here by accident.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5nqSQ1u5JhA

FancyShark

Hi, @Brendan !