102: PSI/Net Billy Dee Williams & Rob MacGregor

GDC

But no further than the tops, until they're married.

FancyShark

He's not wrong, but it's also not something that should be mentioned as a relatable impulse

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

That's.. what? Running his fingers over the top?

Brendan

Hey, if the president fucks an alien in a dream but his real human penis nocturnally emits, is he still a real man?

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned squeeze?

gellaho

You think?

gellaho

GDC

I think it means he was playing them like bongos.

gellaho

Jesus Christ, I get it! He's a bad guy!

FancyShark

Some wingmen should not be wingmen

Brendan

I think the term is accomplice.

gellaho

Luckily, cartoon crazy Ritter comes along to put a stop to that

gellaho

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

remember if your wingman helps beforehand it's aiding, if he helps afterwards it's abetting

gellaho

Maxwell and Ritter dump some loads

FancyShark

Jthe

Ritter's trick skeleton routine always gets a laugh

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

Y'know i dont like this guy pushing his way inside with his load

gellaho

I guess this is just what happens when they have a conference call

Brendan

You should all heed her words, she's a lawyer and a sex pest.

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

brendan that's hurtful

It's society's fault im a lawyer

gellaho

You know, Robert Monroe

gellaho

Everyone knows Robbie

FancyShark

Hell yeah, Big Robbie. Robino. Robster. The Monroe Monster.

GDC

His methods are famous

Brendan

Anything to get out of West Virginia.

NO DON'T LAUGH AT THAT, it's a beautiful state!

They seceded from secessionist Virginia, they deserve our respect!

gellaho

They are going to swallow them

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

They have our respect, that's the home of the A.I.M.S. team

Brendan

Do you think these Republican Sith lords "look in" on one another?

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

Which reminds me to get on those character sheets

gellaho

Riveting

FancyShark

Light admin prep work. PSI/NET!

gellaho

Well, now you've gone and reminded Trent Calloway of the tragic death of his dear friend Bobby Aimes

Fascinating technology

FancyShark

Behold the might of Alexa

gellaho

I mean, closed circuit wasn't that impressive in 1999, but whatever

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

It's the sliding panels that really impress

gellaho

We're going to catch that bastard! Quick, to the new age relaxation room!

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

(A guy off screen is pulling them open and closed with rope)

FancyShark

Perez really doesn't get what interns do

GDC

They're trapped in the softcore porn set

gellaho

See! I told you!

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

Shut up and bring me my coffee, dutchman

FancyShark

Which air force? Nevermind. Moving on

gellaho

Is it weird that both Michael Dorn's and Billy Dee's characters were in the air force?

FancyShark

It is the flashiest of the military branches

Rachel, Godhead Aspect

y'know this book reminds me, never ask for head from a psychic.

(This PSA was court-ordered)

GDC

If they were really psychic you wouldn't have to ask.

gellaho

Totally nutso crazy

gellaho

I'm going to tell the coast guard you said that

Good, good. Back to incomprehensibility

FancyShark

Their entire plan was half a second of maybe knives

That's barely a cantrip

gellaho

Alright, seriously, do we need to take the internet away from Billy Dee?

FancyShark

It's encouraging that he saw all these conspiracy theories and decided "novel" instead of "new way of life"

GDC

Electromagnetic fields do not work that way.

gellaho

My favorite thing is that the electromagnetic force is a misnomer that physicists just kept going with

Electromotive, excuse me

Camila, you're the goddamned press secretary

FancyShark

Eshe

So the fact a nuke was intercepted at a Holiday Inn gets no coverage at all?

GDC

The press secretary can't afford their own place?

gellaho

Camila braves a public forest trail

gellaho

FancyShark

The idea Sally "competed for her attention" makes Sally sound like a pet or a child

gellaho

Which is apparently the goddamned Forbidden Forest

GDC

She comes upon a mystical, overly friendly off leash golden retriever.

gellaho

Camila recalls a childhood memory of fucking bugs

FancyShark

This is what they mean by someone going bugfuck insane

GDC

Camilla wonders if those mushrooms she foraged earlier had anything to do with this.

gellaho

Frogs are basically the same as canaries in coal mines

FancyShark

When The Frogs Fade Away was the original title

gellaho

Guess what?

gellaho

Aliens.

FancyShark

"You're the president's spokewoman, right? Why didn't he call me?"

gellaho

Boy, this is something else

GDC

This just strengthens my mushroom theory.

gellaho

The alien beam causes Camila to think about time weirdly

gellaho

I've never seen someone write out time longhand

FancyShark

BDW read Slaughterhouse Five and decided now was the time to make another subplot

GDC

Any self respecting alien knows you fuck with your abductees watch. This is amateur hour.

gellaho

Camila goes back to her room and finds a note

Good news!

FancyShark

Not THE Bruce Willis. But this one is good too! He plays a banjo.

gellaho

Camila gets some psychic alien talk

GDC

Camilla isn't going out of her way for Bruce Willis. She expects Clooney or better.

gellaho

"Oh, Bruce Willis, sorry I said a joke you couldn't possibly understand"

FancyShark

$5 says Billy Dee Williams has told that joke at a party

GDC

Camilla would have gone to the party if Billy Dee Williams was there.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Maxwell is back on the conspiracy nonsense

FancyShark

This is a long walk to "people who wear tinfoil hats are right"

GDC

Either that or everyone needs to start living under high voltage power lines.

gellaho

Maxwell's troop is going to try and convince the FBI agent to kill everyone

gellaho

Oh, and Camila's alien thing was fake

I know, very surprising that they'd spend 10 pages on it when we already knew about a fake alien encounter

And Maxwell doesn't know about this one, I guess

There was a time in this book where people weren't just sitting in rooms

I miss that

Maybe so. But maybe no

FancyShark

Hate it when people crash at my mountain compound and can't take a hint on when to leave

gellaho

Ah, that fake alien encounter gave Camila psychic powers

gellaho

Fuck me, that may be the worst thing I've ever read

FancyShark

That

why

BDW, why?

At least we know where the editor gave up

gellaho

Either Billy Dee or Rob gave up too

I refuse to believe two people were OK with this

I mean

FancyShark

Mansions get you drunk. What's so hard to understand?

gellaho

She doesn't know what the fucking moon looks like!?!?

FancyShark

Seriously?!

Brendan

I give you the moon, Camila!

GDC

"Why does it say CHA on it?"

gellaho

Oh my God! What is that!?

FancyShark

AAAGGGGHHHH! KILL IT!

gellaho

FancyShark

She felt BLINK...BLINK...

Billy must've gotten Rob some Colt 45s

gellaho

This is the most clinical way you could describe someone being psychically controlled

gellaho

FancyShark

The official drink of PSI/NET

gellaho

I feel like it would be hard to psychically convince someone to do something when they have no idea what it is

gellaho

RIP Tyler

FancyShark

And that's why you don't let people stay at your home

gellaho

Oh, and Doc was who got shot off page

gellaho

Best keep that away from the reader

FancyShark

It's not like she's been a major character

gellaho

Calloway felt all those men, those sweaty, angry men inside

FancyShark

Johnstone making it weird, as usual

gellaho

Very bizarre

Those are still supposed to be, you know, actual people

But don't worry, Calloway knows what to do

Try and rip his fucking face off

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

gellaho

Then they almost succeed in getting Calloway to kill himself

FancyShark

Wait, I thought Tyler was Perez

gellaho

Eduardo Perez is the psychic who won the lottery

FancyShark

ohhhh

gellaho

Tyler was one of the secret service agents

This book has far too many characters considering most of them do very little

Trent is saved(?) when the racist militia shows up

FancyShark

That old cliche

There are Steven Seagal movies that have fewer characters and more coherency than this

gellaho

Oh, also Fielding (the possessed FBI agent) died off page in the beginning of the next chapter

gellaho

Oh, and it turns out the waitress Maxwell thought he was psychically manipulating is with Wiley

FancyShark

Wiley pulls way too much for a villain with that many flaws

gellaho

Very weird how much this book lionizes this genocidal maniac

FancyShark

Freedom Nation is truly bolstered by someone working below minimum wage

gellaho

And now the waitress is doing exposition dumps

FancyShark

Did we even hear about the VP's wife?

gellaho

Oh, also, the alien thing was Wiley's plan all along

gellaho

It was mentioned once about two hundred pages ago. I skipped it

FancyShark

This massive reveal would have more impact if the random events added up to something

gellaho

Then the middle aged, and out of shape Maxwell is so strong it requires all the psychics to stop him

FancyShark

lol

"No, you are!"

gellaho

All of the psychics are loyal to Wiley for, let me just check...

No reason

Oh, and they also have another nuke

gellaho

How? Why?

FancyShark

What was even the point of the first one?

gellaho

That's not up to the writer to say, apparently

gellaho

So they could kill a pregnant woman and a dumbass who didn't know any better?

I guess?

FancyShark

That sure will show...America?

gellaho

Spent a lot of time characterizing those two.

Kind of the only two who got any real characterization. And they died 110 pages ago

FancyShark

Either they shuffled some pages in from another story or Billy and Rob are just making shit up as it occurs to them

gellaho

Anyway, Perez had a secret exit. So no seige

FancyShark

Tpushed

BOOOOOO

These stories always promise a massive secure fortress showdown and never deliver. It's always "we got past your security"

GDC

Not quite as memorable as Tmoney.

FancyShark

Counting psychics with his tongue

gellaho

Using your psychic abilities!? What a concept!

gellaho

Only Jagged Steele. Praise be to the Hawke

FancyShark

Blessings of the Voice of Doom be upon you

I miss the psychic bullshit of Psi-Man. At least he had an asshole dog that knew how to get shit done

gellaho

I wonder where Billy Dee got the idea of this mind trick

gellaho

Can't put my finger on it

FancyShark

Poltergeist?

gellaho

It helped that he didn't instantly know everything

If he did, he probably wouldn't have double teamed that robot with his Nazi dog

At the domed Disneyland

Uh oh

I guess I should have figured this would happen at some point given the subject matter, but I figure it would have happened earlier if it was going to happen at all

FancyShark

Goddammit, Billy Dee

Racism is an instance where "show, don't tell" doesn't need to apply

gellaho

It is way too late for this, dude

gellaho

You can't spring this up in the last 5% of the book\

If you wanted that to be the tone, you gotta do make that the whole book

FancyShark

But how will you know he's a bad guy? All he did was...let me see here...every evil thing that happened in the book

gellaho

And also maybe not in the psychic book with aliens

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

hell of a time to check back in on this one, holy

FancyShark

Yeah. The racism started like a shitty fireworks finale

gellaho

The entire thing was kinda about that, but in a really cartoonish way

Anyway, Camila calls the cops on the radio

gellaho

And is convinced she has solved all the problems

FancyShark

Unfortunately, she neglected to give an address

gellaho

Oopsie, second nuke

FancyShark

Whoopsie

gellaho

Oh, and now dead Julie's dad is back

gellaho

And I guess the other bomb was fake? Even though it was disarmed?

FancyShark

What kind of range does that remote have? I can't download a firmware update for my PS4 when it's on the other side of the room from my router

gellaho

Oh, and the nuke is also a distraction

FancyShark

Why do you need a nuke to distract from something that will look like natural causes, Wiley?

If anything, that's going to raise more questions

gellaho

The militia catches up and shoots Eduardo

FancyShark

If you were giving him alien dreams to test range and intensity, why give him dreams that would result in public attention? Just so you didn't have to have someone ask him what he dreamed about?

gellaho

Apparently Perez dying is a good thing?

FancyShark

Eduardo deserves props for humoring his intrusive guests so much he got himself shot

That's not a net. That's a chain

gellaho

But, this also implies that Doc is still alive even though they left her for dead

Luckily, the authorities are here

gellaho

But that can't do anything about the airspace over DC?

FancyShark

Famously impossible to defend, the DC airspace

Brendan

This WAS right after a Piper divebombed the white hosue

gellaho

Calloway heroically takes a nap

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

one of those pre-9/11 racism novels

Brendan

The unsung heroes of right-wing terrorism.

gellaho

PSI/Net

FancyShark

Conference Calls: The Height of Power

gellaho

Wouldn't Maxwell dying also create a hole? Eh, whatever

FancyShark

He wasn't a load-bearing brain

gellaho

Anyway, apparently Calloway caused Camila's alien vision

Brendan

The bad guys' plan is to Statler & Waldorf Trent to death.

gellaho

Who would have guessed four psychics could overpower him?

FancyShark

Navajo guy, if you're there, now is a good time to drop some random wisdom

gellaho

Good news: The attack just stopped

Brendan

Use your people's natural tracking ability to find the plot!

I've missed 2/3 of this book but I already know they made the Navajo guy a great tracker.

White people cannot resist that shit.

gellaho

Distracted by the aliens

gellaho

Unfortunately he literally got one sentence on page five

Brendan

Maybe he's in space screwing aliens' big future brains out, living happily.

gellaho

But not Calloway's aliens

FancyShark

You fools brought dumb to a stupid fight. That's why you'll lose.

gellaho

Nevertheless, there goes the nuke

FancyShark

As long as it takes out the Sbarro in the Pentagon Mall, I'm fine with this

gellaho

Apparently Calloway can melt things with his brain

FancyShark

This Scanners prequel sucks

gellaho

The aliens disappear and the fighter jets get Wiley, I guess

FancyShark

Crap. They're setting up a sequel.

gellaho

Five weeks later, Calloway is back to write water rafting

FancyShark

Cwater

"Alright, folks. If you look over there, where I once saw a Native American family doing stereotypical things, that's where we're headed."

"We want a refund."

gellaho

Well, that's everything wrapped up

gellaho

FancyShark

And the world is thrown into chaos at the idea psychics can destroy your mind from anywhere at any time

gellaho

So, we're the aliens at the end real? Billy Dee says: maybe

gellaho

Maybe

FancyShark

"We're firing you at Saturn, Calloway. Pack your bags."

gellaho

Alright, so you know that Navajo old man you've been going on about even though he's been barely mentioned?

FancyShark

Yes?

gellaho

gellaho

FancyShark

VINDICATION!

gellaho

The End

Brendan

Victory for the Colts 45!

gellaho

We have defeated PSI/Net

FancyShark

Now THAT is a cover

We did it!

Thank you, @gellaho !

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Good grief, I can't even imagine what the first half of this book must have been like to end this way.

gellaho

So concludes the 102nd Edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

Mostly people driving places

gellaho

And, use your psychic net to find out when we will read the sequel

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

gellaho

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

HA

gellaho

I told you the title was bad

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

no really, what's the real title

FancyShark

It's Time For Justin didn't play as well

gellaho

I don't think it did particularly well. There were only three listings on eBay

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

oh no way

gellaho

Gracias unto @Fatamatician: The Curator once again for sending me this

FancyShark

This was a fun one. Stupid fun, but fun.

Have a good night, everybody!