104: Stress Pattern Neal Barret, Jr.

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 104 - Stress Pattern

This is probably a mistake. We're going to read Stress Pattern. It's a particularly insane book and has been living in my head since I read it last year. And now it will be stuck in yours. The writer, Neal Barrett, Jr. seems to actually lose his mind as the book goes on. This leads to the final ten pages, which is a single unbroken dialog that never uses quotation marks and never identifies the speakers. And, as you can tell by the cover, it's also pretty gross. Get stressed out, Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

pants elitist jakesy

I remember this cover. This is going to be nuts

Also, "novel-length package" lol

gellaho

Yeah, it's really hard to describe just how crazy this book is

Pasta suspension Djonin

Fallout_dead_money.jpg

gellaho

I'm really not sure how this is going to go, it might just be bewildering

pants elitist jakesy

Anything has to be better than Spy High

Badger, Persian NutPac

Oh.

Oh uh oh.

FancyShark

I'm sold

gellaho

We'll see how you feel on Friday

gellaho

Well, in one hour, The Book Cage shall undertake Stress Pattern. Gird thy brains.

Badger, Persian NutPac

I can tell this one's going to be rough because even in the middle of the Year of Pain, gellaho introduced this book by saying "this might be a mistake".

gellaho

Oh, I have no idea how this is gonna go

FancyShark

Either this book is better written than expected or my brain is at the right level of fried because that excerpt reads more coherently than a lot of things we've read

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

apparently the guy that wrote this is an alum of several pseudonym-based writer sweatshops that pumped out old children's novels like Tom Swift, Hardy Boys, and Nancy Drew

he wrote the movie novelizations for the original Judge Dredd and Dungeons and Dragons movies

Badger, Persian NutPac

So still kind of a coin flip quality-wise, is what I'm hearing

gellaho

"There was nothing to look at but worm" was coherent to you?

FancyShark

I may need sleep

Which I will obtain in due time

pants elitist jakesy

What I said as I was getting attacked by Dennis Rodman

gellaho

This is kind of an exorcism more than anything else, I have thought about this book at least once a week since I read it last year and would like that to stop

Aw, here it goes

gellaho

pants elitist jakesy

I'm stressed already

Badger, Persian NutPac

Man, there really was nothing to look at but worm.

gellaho

gellaho

This book kinda comes at you in waves. If you're anything like me, you're going to think this is a comedy at first

FancyShark

1974 is the zodiac year of the worm, so this should be good

gellaho

Anyway, welcome to the escarpment

pants elitist jakesy

Fuck I'm already lost

FancyShark

Nine feet of landscape

Badger, Persian NutPac

It looked a lot more impressive in the Byron painting, tbh.

gellaho

We begin with our hero taking inventory of the browns

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

"How do we hook readers into our thrilling sci-fi adventure? I know! I'll have the protagonist sit and bitch about how boring everything looks!"

Badger, Persian NutPac

That's a lot of losses and chokes to have to tally up

FancyShark

Ah, so he's in Cleveland

pants elitist jakesy

The usual list of colors you've seen

As one does

FancyShark

dangit, scooped

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Start the book by telling the readers which paints they'll need to follow along

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

I wonder if the author was into warhammer

gellaho

This is kind of what I mean about writing it like a comedy

Badger, Persian NutPac

Is this not what you're just supposed to do during an earthquake

gellaho

So his ship gets eaten pretty quick

pants elitist jakesy

Not ideal

FancyShark

Also, hi, @Badger, Persian NutPac ! Hi, @Ferroday Plays Both Sides ! Hi, @Rachel, Dalton Apologist ! Hi, @pants elitist jakesy ! Hi, @gellaho , at your own event!

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

I would not have used "engorged" for a verb here

gellaho

But at least he has his world music CD

Brendan

What's a version of a Mary Sue where the protagonist is ably challenged by the task but also isn't nearly as adora-charming as she thinks she is?

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Hi shark please dont eat my capsule ill need it to leave

FancyShark

Hi, @Brendan !

Brendan

Applaud, you monsters. Applaud with the arms you don't have, because you're all worms.

FancyShark

That music collection sounds like a Seagal CD. Or John Tesh.

pants elitist jakesy

Guys I think the worm is a metaphor for a dong

FancyShark

Pfft, no. What? No.

pants elitist jakesy

Based on the picture on the cover alone

gellaho

Off to collect more colors

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

GIF

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

I love a protagonist who is mostly passive observer

pants elitist jakesy

The author is doing a great job painting a picture too

"It's a brown field or some shit"

Badger, Persian NutPac

Literally invoking all the colors of the rainbow

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

guy's home gets eaten and he cares more about his mix tape and list of colors

gellaho

Flashback to when he carefully read the safety pamphlet

Badger, Persian NutPac

"I always read such things", like a fucking nerd

FancyShark

"We had been told how to throw books"

gellaho

If I remember correctly, this obsession over colors will not continue past chapter one

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

I'm not sure why parachutes would be on a space ship

what are the paras gonna chute on? there's no air in space

Badger, Persian NutPac

We're really just setting the tone

gellaho

However, the rest of what happens in this book could easily have overwritten those memories

It is a remarkable set of circumstances

Brendan

"it's sort of a sci-fi Jonah but the whale is a phallic symbol" --Barrett, at parties to a girl in a pencil skirt.

gellaho

Andy, nerdlinger extraordinaire

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

it's like The Martian but without any charisma

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Oh my god he teaches economics

This explains his vivacious internal life.

gellaho

Dun dun dun

gellaho

(you're going to be reading the word "dun" quite a bit)

Badger, Persian NutPac

Fran Herber's "Dun"

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

three days dork

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

"the" creature?

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

What do they teach economists these days?

gellaho

Ordinarily, I am not an emotional person.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

It had no torso

Badger, Persian NutPac

Clocked that from his prose tbh

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

to be fair he did describe it as "pot bellied"

FancyShark

Some buer shit

gellaho

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Lmao

Okay

gellaho

Andy is duly ignored

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

ew it's the yellow man from sin city

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

He has Buddha earlobe ass cheeks!"

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

it can smell the economics professor on gavin and wants no part of it

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

It doesn't seem to understand english, try speaking more loudly

FancyShark

Furganis'h to you too

gellaho

Andy is psychically able to understand the creature. Because that's just how it works

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

sure

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

heaven forbid we do anything interesting with a language barrier

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

That's just what you do on this worls

FancyShark

ESP, always the first thought

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

When in rome

gellaho

Not like it's a big deal or anything

FancyShark

Hitchcock was always having his characters remember how they didn't react

gellaho

I'll tell you in advance that basically everything in this book is explained

But, it won't happen for a while, and is insane

Brendan

Re-entry maybe? For the ship, not him.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

This dude is living my life, someone asks you a question and he's too busy marveling that he can understand it to answer for like two minutes.

gellaho

They have a riveting conversation

FancyShark

Hi, @Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage !

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Ask a stupid telepathic inquiry

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Yeah lead with this shit and not tell the fellow sentient youre lost and in need of water and aid, being cagey like this always works.

FancyShark

Waiting for G'ddoh

gellaho

Phretci passes the Steele test

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Jokes on him, thats not a penis, its a trunk.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

economists 🤝 engineers

thinking expertise in one field makes them an expert in all fields

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

It's for picking berries.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

The necessary equipment for what

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

What are you asking of him???

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh we know.

Gavin is thirsty, winky face.

gellaho

A very interesting visage

FancyShark

He found Droopy Dog

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Comes to this dudes home planet and starts criticizing the locals faces. Nice.

FancyShark

Oh wait, none of those

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

"dun" is apparently just a synonym for "dull" or "grey"

it's a description so boring he's trying to save typing by shortening it one letter

gellaho

Phretci tells Andy to dig for water

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Rare for an author to make an alien and then say "lol look at this shit alien, a child could have made better"

FancyShark

He is going to feel silly when he finds out he's been talking to the back of this guy's head

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Now Phretel is just fucking with him.

Badger, Persian NutPac

GIF

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

dude finds literally his only lifeline on a desert planet and then gets upset when he's told to dig for one of the things absolutely necessary for life

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

you need me to draw you a fucking map amdrew

gellaho

Phretci leaves

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

yeah i can hear what you're thinking about my face

Brendan

"logically speaking, the rest of the ship had to die for me to survive. That's a net gain for hoarding food. I was merely acting rationally out of self-interest."

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Cos youre an impatient prick and if you cant dig for your own water you deserve to die?

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

so far neal has done an excellent job of writing a guy I hate and wish would die of thirst

gellaho

Andy decides to dig and finds a new color

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Fuck. Off.

eat my ass with your "discovered a shade of brown" shit.

Badger, Persian NutPac

And yet there are people like Charles Boyce who can do what Andy takes pages to accomplish in less than ten words.

It could always be worse, is I guess what I'm saying.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

I'm rooting for the worm to come back and finish the job

gellaho

Andy squeezes something wet and squishy

FancyShark

Someone asked the author "you dig, man?" and he wrote an entire novel for his dad joke response

oh gross

Badger, Persian NutPac

Hahaha it's poop. He found poop water.

gellaho

Now introducing the magical desert water gourd

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I hope he gets space cholera.

gellaho

Remember to always pinch it off

Enlarging his hole, Andy follows Phretci

Badger, Persian NutPac

👉 🔴 👈

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

For a plant to do this, logically it must have some kind of major evolutionary advantage. My bet is it has microscopic seeds in the water and they sprout when ingested.

FancyShark

"Gee, thanks," said Phretci, who could hear him narrate this all out loud.

gellaho

And, as magical water gourds are want to do, they're everywhere

FancyShark

So in your quest for browns, you didn't think to dig?

gellaho

A very bad green

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Was there ever a reason he's making color catalogue?

gellaho

Not particularly

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

like all economists, he has to be treated like an uppity child the moment he's faced with a problem that exists outside of an excel spreadsheet

gellaho

Other than he was trapped on a planet and had nothing else to do

Andy writes a saying

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

To soften the blow when the local fauna starts blooming and reaches out of his ass and burrows into the desert, taken his hollowed out carcass with it. I hope.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

I feel like the discovery of a new sentient alien species on a magical planet without the curse of babylon would distract me from my paint swatches

gellaho

Time to wait at the bus stop

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

I wish andrew gavin were real, so that I could slap him

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

At least its written alot like Phretel likes Andrew about as much as we do.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

how do you know what nostrums and parables are but only use one word for gray!?

gellaho

Could you even imagine if the Earth had great canyons?

FancyShark

Boredom, I think?

gellaho

Wait, what's that?

The Earth has canyons? What a country!

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Sounds fake

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I can see why this book burrowed into Gellaho's brain like a tick.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

this book feels like it was written with a grudge

gellaho

It could have been a lot of things. But it's none of those things

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

like if you held ben stein at gunpoint and forced him to write a dune knock-off

gellaho

We haven't even gotten there yet

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

The Great Groove was Lets Get Physical, Olivia Newton John

gellaho

When I read this the first time, I was kind of on board this weird off-kilter comedy thing. But the bus stop here is where that changed

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Poor Phretel just wants to pray to his ancestors and wait for the bus in peace and this tall gangly white dipshit is bugging him.

gellaho

The magic water gourds are also food, so that's handy

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

I mean no shit right

gellaho

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"Prepared dinner from my own hole." is such a phrase.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Like if you were in an earth desert and thirsty and realized you could get water from plants, maybe it would also occur to you to eat them?

FancyShark

So this guy went mad with isolation, but not enough to go completely feral

gellaho

Not yet

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

He went interior-decorator mad

gellaho

No bed-plants though

FancyShark

"SWATCHES EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE, I SAY!"

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

This is what you get when you encourage someone who isnt funny to read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

That's not even enough to qualify him as an apprentice hatter.

gellaho

Hey look, a lady

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

She has a big pink bowtie

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Stop staring at her boobs, Andrew. Its still rude on this planet.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

And red lipstick

That's how it's obvious

FancyShark

She has a sign that says "Me Lady"

pants elitist jakesy

Lol obviously female

gellaho

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Dammmn gurl, you thicc

pants elitist jakesy

Ah it's the witches hat that gave it away

gellaho

She sees something she likes

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

I hope the planet of the gourds doesn't end up being earth all along

pants elitist jakesy

TURNS OUT IT WAS MAN

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

No, fuck you. Andrew can't be the first human to fuck an alien. We cant do that to the universe, we have to send our best.

gellaho

I can tell you it is not

I can also tell you he does not

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Do you think the author was upset about all the colours the cover artist used

gellaho

But she tries to get him to

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

glad to hear alien lady's standards aren't that low

pants elitist jakesy

Lol just ruining his vision of BrownPlanet

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

I said i wanted dun people on a dun sand ocean infront of a dun sky during a dunset, how hard is that for you to understand???

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

nevermind, wow

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Well at least she knows what she wants, but damn hon. You can do better than this guy.

gellaho

Andy's a great guy

gellaho

pants elitist jakesy

Interesting how the alien defaults to missionary position, the author is telling on himself

Badger, Persian NutPac

The headspace of our protagonist is a terrible place to be, tbph

FancyShark

This all reads like it's being read back to him at a trial

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

Yo listen up, this is a story

about a little guy

who lives on a dun world

all day and all night

and everything he sees is just dun

like him inside and outside

dun is his house

with a little dun window

and a dun corvette

And everything is dun for him

And himself and everybody around

Cause he ain't got nobody to listen to

gellaho

Andy is uninterested, but Phretci takes advantage

FancyShark

He's dun

badabeedabbabda

pants elitist jakesy

Some of the most passive writing these eyes have seen

gellaho

Time to feed the worm

FancyShark

Handing out dickings like sticks of gum. That's our Phretci

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I am simultaneously disappointed in Andrew and happy, because his dick game is probably bad and will make the aliens think we are all that bad, but cmon man, you passed on the experience of a lifetime.

gellaho

Le worm

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Not to mention how disappointed she must be, she was gonna bang an exotic stranger at the bust station but nooooooo.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

oh worm?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Worm up.

FancyShark

Everything on this planet is gray or brown. It's like he got trapped in a video game from the mid-2000s

gellaho

Economics and zoology are different

gellaho

In case you were unaware

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Or as the space rapper Methane Ice would say "Worm to your mother."

FancyShark

📝

gellaho

Time to get gross

FancyShark

Dude's writing like he's hoping people will remember this description and imagine his dick

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Bristles and all.

Rachel, Dalton Apologist

Zoology involves actual empiricism

FancyShark

"Yes, it's smelly and hideous. But my god, the SIZE of it."

"I'm changing seats, pal. You have a good day."

gellaho

If his has great slits, he needs to see a doctor

pants elitist jakesy

I dunno, Utils are just as real as phyla cordata

gellaho

Worm-mates

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Just get on the bus dude.

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

oh my god they were worm-mates

pants elitist jakesy

Could have been Wormskimo brothers

gellaho

And, because he has nothing better to do, he enters the worm

FancyShark

When in Worm

gellaho

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Congratulations, Andrew. You and the worm are now married on 31 planets.

FancyShark

That's how I start every Yelp review

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Just like the public bus.

gellaho

Wet greens

Badger, Persian NutPac

Somehow Ghibli made this concept work better.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I hope the worm fumes give him synesthesia, so he can taste the colors.

FancyShark

Bob Ross made wet greens look fun and happy

gellaho

Ride the worm

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

If your reds are moist, see a doctor.

gellaho

Yeah, your blood should be solid

FancyShark

"It's almost like I was created as an excuse to not have decent descriptions of things"

gellaho

Their in its digestive tract

FancyShark

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apixaban

gellaho

I meant to say, don't eat during this