104: Stress Pattern Neal Barret, Jr.

gellaho

But who is Melissa Mills? And how tearfully long are her legs? And, what does that mean?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

How many tall men long are her legs, Andrew?

pants elitist jakesy

And what color and texture are her asscheeks

These are the true questions

Badger, Persian NutPac

Olive gold skin, eyes and mouth too big… this is an alien.

gellaho

This is where Neal really loses his grasp of the English language

pants elitist jakesy

Lol moist regions of the mind

Badger, Persian NutPac

Somebody put a spoon between his teeth!

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh wow the author managed to use the word "moist" in a sentence and make it much more unappealing to think about.

Genuine achievement in literature, great job.

gellaho

Turns out Melisa knows everything about Andy because the space lemon can absorb all your thoughts

pants elitist jakesy

Neil loves blocks of dialogue with no attribution of who's speaking

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh cool, someone has finally done what we all wanted and introduced someone to tell Andy to stop being an ass.

gellaho

Oh, you have no idea what we're in for in that regard

Badger, Persian NutPac

This woman has existed for only seconds of time and is already fed up with Andy's bullshit.

gellaho

Ahuh, sure, what?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Ohhhhh boy.

Badger, Persian NutPac

Is he really trying to do a genetic memory gag here?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

He is!

Look on the bright side, Andy, you are no longer responsible for your space lemon, its a grown lemon woman now and can look after itself.

gellaho

It sure is convenient that she popped out fully formed

Badger, Persian NutPac

Oh man, she's perfectly equipped with all the knowledge and empathy to be his mother-nanny-fuckhole!

Just like every mediocre man wants!

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I mean you were a watermelon not fifty pages ago, miss Lemon. Watermelons tend to not survive well in the wild on their own, they hunt in packs.

gellaho

Just as a for-instance

Badger, Persian NutPac

This is a Pibgorn script that leaked out into the real world

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh just fuck the lemon girl and stop making it weird, Andy.

gellaho

Andrew has successfully passed two weeks not fucking

Badger, Persian NutPac

No-Nut Nost-Nuclear November is off to a great start!

pants elitist jakesy

Fuck me give her a blanket or something

At this point it's a choice to keep her naked

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Yeah at least let her wrap a straw mat around herself.

Tho come to think of it I think nudity is kind of the state of things on this planet.

gellaho

And also he fled into a straw hut only carrying a watermelon during a flood

Inevitably, the species barrier is crossed

gellaho

And now Andrew has a lemon of his own

Badger, Persian NutPac

Hahaha this is the most Mormon lovemaking ever.

I'm literally pretty sure he was just soaking her in this scene.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahahahah even comes with some weird guilt about crossing species barriers.

Bud, the guilt should come from the fact you basically invented a new kind of incest AND shes like three weeks old.

And you're literally her only option.

gellaho

Yes, please don't call it that

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

lol he really needs to get caught up on the fact alien biology doesnt work like his does.

gellaho

And, based on what happens later, the patterning definitely did not happen yet

gellaho

Apparently it could have

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

lol

gellaho

But Andrew didn't dream up her entire anatomy during his sex dream

gellaho

Because apparently that's what you're supposed to do?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Okay well at least that is something I cant really blame him for, its not like he knew he had to.

Badger, Persian NutPac

So she's like the Metatron? Just total Ken doll down there?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I assume she just doesnt have human organs aside from the ones he wanted to fuck.

gellaho

Also, no breast feeding

gellaho

I wasn't going to share this, but you asked

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

So........i wonder what is gonna hatch out of this lemon?

If Andrew plays his cards right he could get a living spaceship or something.

gellaho

I'm not telling

The joy of childbirth

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Certainly is convenient.

gellaho

Melisa learns about pornography and language

Badger, Persian NutPac

Pornography naturally coming before language in Woman 101

gellaho

The three things discussed were horse racing, porn, and language. In that order

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Pornography had such a bad first edition, the second was way better. Nicer pieces, fewer rules to memorize, just all round better.

gellaho

Andrew misses his friend

pants elitist jakesy

Hahahahaha "I don't know what a pussy looks like because I didn't have time for classes about it"

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Aw Andy is about to find out that Rhamik never really liked him for obvious reasons.

gellaho

Rhamik responds by removing the walkway

gellaho

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Its probably because you suck, Andrew.

gellaho

You might think that, but it's so much weirder than that

It's also told so strangely that I'm not even sure what the reason is

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

lol rad.

gellaho

Melisa has the ability to reason and she fucking hates it

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh, us too honey, us too.

pants elitist jakesy

Is he just creating a harem of fully formed alien coeds that he gets to fuck

gellaho

Later on, ew

pants elitist jakesy

Oh no

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

One of them is going to HAVE to be like some kind of space lizard or something because Andrew's attention wanders

gellaho

Anyway, a bunch of aliens die

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Yeah why burden your fuck lemon with existential dread?

Shes already having a hard time with being able to reason, she can confront her own mortality later.

FancyShark

Not the line I expected to walk in on

Okay. I'm braced. Someone please hit me with a summary since the horrible lemon was saved from the rain

gellaho

Andrew fucked it and now they have a lemon

pants elitist jakesy

Hi @FancyShark ! He fucked the lemon baby

FancyShark

...

I should not have asked

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andy invented a new kind of incest! Its a big step forward for perverts.

gellaho

The water's receding. Andrew suggests leaving, and Melisa does not want to

gellaho

Credit where credit's due, Neal invented it

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I mean.........yeah tho why leave at this point? Where are you gonna go?

Just stay here and breed a race of fuck lemons to conquer the planet with.

gellaho

This Palsied Planet was the book's original title

FancyShark

You know what they say: when life gives you lemons, have sex with them

Badger, Persian NutPac

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0cE1fzfOogo

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andy is asking the Big Questions, huh?

gellaho

Andrew "I don't know what all these women are bitching about" Garvin

Badger, Persian NutPac

Our protagonist is named Andrew Gavin, which just goes to show you can never trust a man with two first names

FancyShark

Why do you love Andrew Gavin, Melisa? Is it because he's your faaaBLEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH

gellaho

He's the person the mother thought about while fucking somebody else, and then he thought her personality

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh god Andrew is going to make this so bad for her.

gellaho

That classic story

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Tale as old as time.

gellaho

Andrew's got daddy issues. That probably won't come up again

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahah you backed yourself into the classic corner, Andy, with the one being who absolutely can care but cant understand it.

gellaho

The water's gone, and Andrew immediately leaves

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"Was it the attempted infanticide? Was it the near drowning? Who can say, our cultures are just so different."

gellaho

And immediately walks into a blistering desert

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

This was an amazing idea, Andrew.

Desert trek with an adult fuck lemon and a regular lemon. Brilliant stuff, Mr. Economist.

FancyShark

My Wife, The Dessicated Husk was the biggest sitcom of the 1990's

gellaho

Andrew digs them a hole to live in

Badger, Persian NutPac

There's no such thing as a lemonfucker in a foxhole.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Five days later and she makes a sound like dried corn husks when they fuck.

FancyShark

Understandable, since she's banging Andrew

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Way to give a technically accurate but immensely incomplete explanation Andrew.

FancyShark

Typical economist

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

That economics training really paying off.

gellaho

Uh oh, something's wrong with the lemon

Badger, Persian NutPac

Wife Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Dried lemonitis, common childhood disease on this planet.

FancyShark

Sure, switch to present tense for one sentence. Why not

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

SIDS for lemons.

gellaho

Seems pretty bad, I wonder what happened

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Surprise lemon goblin!

gellaho

You wish

FancyShark

Staring at the raisin that used to be his grandlemon

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

mmmm dried lemon.

gellaho

We're about to have a flashback, and this is where the writing really goes crazy

Badger, Persian NutPac

Eraserhead baby!

FancyShark

Hell yes. I didn't miss the crazy

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"Well honey I guess we can zest him and add him to our tea?"

FancyShark

"Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I have a sudden craving for a gin and tonic"

gellaho

Starts off with Andrew losing his mind

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

hahahahaha rad.

This is how you break a man, make him walk into the desert and watch his lemons shrivel and perish.

gellaho

Then Neal loses his mind

Badger, Persian NutPac

hahaha what the fuck?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahahah oh shit is his lemon baby going to be his fuckin dad?!

gellaho

Just floating through flashbacks

pants elitist jakesy

Lol it totally is

FancyShark

"Why won't you kill a man with your bare hands, son?"

Badger, Persian NutPac

GIF

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andys Dad needs to just understand some kids just arent cut out for 20 Child Fighting League.

Give it up, dude.

pants elitist jakesy

Ugh, he's going to fuck his dad next isn't he

Badger, Persian NutPac

there's no way he's not

he's already fucked his mom, what's one more

gellaho

Again, you wish

This next part, I'm legitimately not entirely sure what's happening. But I'll attempt to explain

Badger, Persian NutPac

Oh boy, here we go

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Fuck yeah, get us some concentrated unreality!

gellaho

I'll just let you look at it first

Adrienne, Queen of the Bugs

This is fully me

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

GIF

FancyShark

His son is his daughter

His father is his wife

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahhaha

gellaho

So, during Andrew's freak out, Rhamik shows up. Neal refuses to tell us who's talking. But, I think Rhamik is talking with Melisa while Andrew's screaming in the background

And Rhamik has had some kind of transformation

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Rad.

Badger, Persian NutPac

you know how in Fifth Element that one Earth general starts bleeding from the scalp as he beholds the unfathomable horror?

that's where I'm at, don't know about the rest of you lot

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

GIF

Adrienne, Queen of the Bugs

GIF

gellaho

So that goes on for a while

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahahah rad.

Badger, Persian NutPac

christ, use an identifier already

gellaho

I think the child is Andrew. And Andrew is the child.

FancyShark

Good thing he made these characters have such distinct voices

gellaho

By the way, the baby looking like Andrew is a total lie

FancyShark

I want to track Neal down and beat him bloody with a copy of The Odyssey

Because this is way off track

gellaho

Neal also forgets to mention this, but Rhamik leaves

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

The ho stuck him with another man's baby, eh?

FancyShark

It's a smizmar situation

Badger, Persian NutPac

ain't that always the way with those lemon stealing hoes

gellaho

And they find the sea

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Gotta get that DNA test before accepting custody.

FancyShark

If this journey ends with a nativity scene, I'm gonna be so angry

gellaho

Well, he's about to explain what the baby looks like

gellaho

This is your first warning

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Rad, my dinner just finished cooking, im fully ready

Badger, Persian NutPac

Is he a literal dickhead??

gellaho

He's got a football helmet head, and a jersey body

gellaho

This is your second warning

FancyShark

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Badger, Persian NutPac

FUCK YES

pants elitist jakesy

Hahahaha

Badger, Persian NutPac

SPORTSBABY

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Ewwww

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HE MADE A FOOTBALL GOBLIN!

pants elitist jakesy

HELL YEAH SPORTSBABY

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Expose it on the mountainside

gellaho

This is your final warning. I had to see this, you don't have to

Badger, Persian NutPac

Oh my god is there a picture

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Do it, fuck us up.

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

I've finished eating

gellaho

Do not click on this

Badger, Persian NutPac

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

pants elitist jakesy

Jesus Christ lol

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

hahahaha he's if Fred Williamson was a character on Ninja Turtles.

pants elitist jakesy

HERES THE BIG DICK SON YOU ALWAYS WANTED DAD!

FancyShark

Freud looked at this and declared his work finished

Badger, Persian NutPac

"balling coeds after the big game" may well be the best punchline in literary history

gellaho

So, anyway, straight to stealing a boat

pants elitist jakesy

Tell me you've never been laid without telling me, Neil

FancyShark

"Here's what you always wanted, Dad. Patrick Starfish with a massive hog."

pants elitist jakesy

This is what I demand from Book Cage. Just pure madness and real human penis

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Six-pointed star

Badger, Persian NutPac

:SteeleYourself:

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Gonna be a while before his lemondaughterwife will wanna play pornography again lol

pants elitist jakesy

Nobody take that quote out of context

gellaho

Where do you go after thinking about strangling a baby? A touching reconciliation

FancyShark

This would be moving if literally anything else had led to it

gellaho

Melisa is so wise

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Shes going to address us directly at some point and scream "IS THIS WHAT YOU LIKE?!"

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Throw the freak baby at them and row

Badger, Persian NutPac

The book can end whenever it wants, I'm just gonna be thinking about that baby for the rest of the night

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

I'm gonna be having nightmares about that baby.

FancyShark

Is the final twist that the worm on the cover is actually the baby?

pants elitist jakesy

I can't wait to see the next baby

gellaho

That crisis is quickly avoided

FancyShark

Phew. Almost had something happen there

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Neal gonna let us marinate in the baby for a little while longer.

gellaho

I said this was an exorcism to get this book out of my head

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I mean i might order a copy so I can give it to people, dark knowledge like this needs sharing.

gellaho

Andrew now has a mysterious compulsion of his own

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Best. Midlife. Crisis. Ever.

FancyShark

And thus he went out for smokes

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Fucking probably

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Most guys just get an expensive car, Andy makes himself a lemon wife with an alien and fathers a second aportsbaby to exorcise his father based demons.

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

I missed a LOT, the sports mutant isn't the lemon baby?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

its lemon baby number two

gellaho

It's the lemon baby's lemon baby

FancyShark

Every time Andy procreates, he drops another psychological problem out of his head

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

The first one turned into his hot coed fantasy.

gellaho

Melissa feels everything and nothing

FancyShark

You been eating the giggle shrooms again, Melisa?

pants elitist jakesy

The first lemon baby was a recreation of a student he wanted to fuck back when he was a teacher. And yes, he fucked that lemon baby

FancyShark

How old is she at this point? A month?

gellaho

Turns out the beach aliens kill each other for bulbs

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

gellaho

You think Neal's giving an account of time? You fool

pants elitist jakesy

Yes

It's that fucked

FancyShark

You are correct

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Neal stopped mentioning time after like three weeks.

Which is about when she decided they should be fucking.

FancyShark

In that case, I'm picturing this all taking place over a weekend

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Giving Andrew credit, it was not his idea to fuck his lemonesque space baby coed.

He's just fine doing it tho.

FancyShark

Yes it was. Not consciously, but it was

gellaho

Water bulb murder

FancyShark

He imagined a version of her that wanted to fuck him

THERE'S Neal's favorite adjective

gellaho

FancyShark

I was worried he'd given up on "dun"

"It was brighter than noon! It wasn't."

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I mean you could have just completed the daddy issue circle and left by yourself Andrew.

I mean my dad did and right now im grateful he didnt drag the rest of us into a fuckin desert.

And onto the ocean in a canoe.

gellaho

Later, they are beset by the dun

FancyShark

Fishing trips are an acquired taste

pants elitist jakesy

Is…is he going to fuck them all to death

FancyShark

"Stay back, or I'll audit you!"

gellaho

Luckily, a rival tribe shows up and they get distracted

FancyShark

Midnight Hassle was my Bon Jovi cover band name

gellaho

Melisa freaks out about being somewhere she's not "supposed" to be

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

We've seen what happens when you become suitably aroused and it's an ABOMINATION

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

It's called a panic attack, sweetie

gellaho

Or a sexy coed with anomalously long legs

FancyShark

Andy getting a lot of mileage out of "it's just a place"

gellaho

Andrew ignores that and is instead excited by an archipelago

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

More of a lagoon or cove man myself but whatever floats your boat, Andrew.

FancyShark

Melisa is dying of exposure and agoraphobia while Andy is playing Breath of the Wild

gellaho

Melisa hates the archipelago

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

yeah this will work out, Andrew. Its not like there could be a tide or a deep spot or anything.

gellaho

Obstinate hu-man fe-male

FancyShark

Andrew comforts himself by remembering how he sucks

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Two nerd schools playing football, great memory Andy/

gellaho

Oh, if only Andrew had taken karate

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

He was absent when they taught him the Economist style of kung fu, or he could use moves like Invisible Hand of the Free Market on them.