104: Stress Pattern Neal Barret, Jr.

FancyShark

You think the Greyhound smells like shit, just you wait

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Finally, a bus its okay to piss on.

Brendan

Good lord, I got yoinked away. What happened post tremors-tent?

gellaho

You could also get blown out its respiratory system

gellaho

This worm does everything through the same tubes

FancyShark

Dude passed up a chance to bang an alien lady and now they're riding inside a worm like it's a subway car

pants elitist jakesy

And they share the same language?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Econ professor doesnt understand the cardinal universal rule of public transit: Shut the fuck up.

gellaho

No, they psychically communicate

Again, all will be explained, but you still won't like it

gellaho

Brendan

is this Robinson Cruesoe now?

FancyShark

Andrew really thinks he's made a friend. This is like Planes, Trains and Automobiles if John Candy was obsessed with colors

gellaho

Sleep, and ye shall find

Brendan

Collin Robinson of Mars

gellaho

It's more like the odyssey, but we'll get there

Andy gets off the worm and loses Phretci forever

FancyShark

The best characters are never forgotten

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"Y'all I met this weird dude on the bus, he never shut up. He wouldnt even fuck! Rude motherfucker."

gellaho

Brendan

Gellaho takes no pleasure in this blood work tonight.

FancyShark

How long has Andy been stuck on this planet?

gellaho

The glories of the bus depot

gellaho

Less than a week

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

And if he wasnt too much of an asshole to ask the right questions he probably could get some half decent idea of whats going on here.

FancyShark

This is like a rejected Rick & Morty episode

gellaho

Hummocks

gellaho

It really doesn't matter what questions he'd ask. But, I'll leave it there

FancyShark

"What wonders to behold! An entire alien civilization! I wonder if they have jobs?"

oh no. This isn't a simulation, is it?

gellaho

He's astounded by finding a house because everyone else lives in a hole

pants elitist jakesy

Sounds like an economist alright

gellaho

Nah

FancyShark

PHEW

"Scroooooooooge"

"J-jacob Marley?"

gellaho

Andy done found himself a freak

gellaho

I literally don't know what else to call that

FancyShark

Ask your doctor about Thraxil today

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Specialized jerkin arm, rad.

gellaho

gellaho

It'll fix your sex problem

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Thraxil talks like they've invented alcohol and decided to not share the discovery with the rest of the planet yet.

gellaho

Oddly sweet

FancyShark

Thraxil appears to be a Resident Evil monster

"The smile, unfortunately, was not on his face"

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Buttsmile!

gellaho

Thraxil's a genius

pants elitist jakesy

Ask your doctor if Thraxil is right for you

Shit, scooped!

gellaho

Andy might be making a friend

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Thraxil is just excited to have company.

FancyShark

Thraxil's got so many board games he's been itching to play

gellaho

Thraxil's wondering why he can't see Andy's sex problem

Badger, Persian NutPac

oh god we're already at Jar Jar diction.

FancyShark

I've been reading him more gutteral. Like a mumbly orc

gellaho

Thraxil gets angry, but decides to go to sleep instead

gellaho

Figure out how a half-beak, half-snout would sound

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Like a parrot imitating a pig maybe.

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

You gotta or you'll get JarJar voice going in your head and the only remedy is drinking yourself unconscious.

FancyShark

Imagine how many writers would be hampered if the Cockney accent was never invented

Hi, @Spooky Spook Mordred 👻 !

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

I solemnly swear not to do dialect ever again

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Hi! I missed everything up until now like usual 🫠

gellaho

The next day, Andy laments the lack of Gillette

pants elitist jakesy

You don't need a recap. Back there lies only madness

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

The Trident of Merrow is lousy with it but at least not as bad as anything D.H. Lawrence wrote.

gellaho

We haven't reached the point where you'd be well and truly fucked quite yet

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Well I'm still making dinner so I'm sure to miss even more

pants elitist jakesy

Oh no

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew doesnt fuck, thats really all you need to know.

pants elitist jakesy

Don't be around food for this

FancyShark

Yeah. This book is gross

gellaho

Not yet

FancyShark

OH NO

gellaho

Andy thinks about a guy who'd handle this situation way better

gellaho

I'm not sure we'll even get to it tonight

pants elitist jakesy

This feels dense enough to be a two parter

FancyShark

He's imagining the Reluctant Sorceror

Brendan

Thraxil is the disease. Phlectis is the cure.

gellaho

Them's gotten holes

Brendan

Contact your doctor if you experience side-effects including exchess Phlect.

gellaho

Aren't we all

Brendan

how do they speak the same language?

And are these Gungans?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Psychic communion.

And most of them are more like potatoes.

FancyShark

ESPotato

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Thraxil is just a weirdo tho, so hes the Gonzo to the rest of the planet.

FancyShark

Thraxil is a dude who got hit on one side by a shrink ray

gellaho

So, this is really where the book stops the comedy bit

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Its just a matter of time before Andrew and Thraxil hatch a plan to colonize the potato people.

gellaho

Thraxil wants to leave, but can't

FancyShark

The Pringle Solution

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Or Thraxil has a mood swing and tries to eat Andrew to gain his symmetry.

gellaho

And we're never going to see him again

FancyShark

hahaha, what

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Awww noooo. Not the one sympathetic character!

gellaho

And Andrew's out

FancyShark

So this is Alice in Wonderland without the coherency?

Brendan

Phretci, set a reminder to kill Thraxil while he tells me about the rabbits.

gellaho

Andy tries to leave on the worm, but they won't let him

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

I know it's difficult getting the hang of the hooks but surely riding atop the worm is preferable?

FancyShark

"Popularity" is a strange name for "sacrifice"

gellaho

A lady walks up, tells him to leave, and hands him a lemon

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

can't ride atop the worm because then the dune ripoff becomes too obvious

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew they are spindly and a good bit shorter than you, just snap one in half and hold it over your head while bellowing intimidatingly. Its like youve never fought 20 children before.

pants elitist jakesy

Ugh spoilers!

gellaho

This planet has a village idiot quota

gellaho

And, I'm here to tell you, this unverified thought turns out to be 100% true

Brendan

TAKE YOUR SON

gellaho

Ah, you guys keep talking about the worms.

There are no more worms

FancyShark

Book is shedding ideas like dead skin

pants elitist jakesy

Thraxil: gets rid of worms

Got it

gellaho

Andy walks away

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

Javo guest stars for the opening line

FancyShark

As if thinking was happening before

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

GIF

gellaho

Andy decides to follow a caravan

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew missed his chance to start a nomad clan of crazy weirdos and just ruined this run of Kenshi.

gellaho

The members of the caravan capture him while he's sleeping

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew you stupid dick, I hope they fuck you to death in this stupid boring desert with a mild climate.

gellaho

He decides he could have problem taken them out but in the present he just goes with it

FancyShark

You said this is like the Odyssey. So while the random shit happening and being discarded makes sense, it also means we're not getting anything of note until the end unless he encounters something cool.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Also no chance a hot woman turns his crew into pigs.

FancyShark

Thraxil sort of counts as the cyclops. But that didn't end with them being friends

gellaho

As it stands, one pokes him in the dick

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

You deserve it.

I hope they do it at random intervals.

gellaho

Andy, while "not scared," decides to go with this whole slavery thing

pants elitist jakesy

Lol

His dad:

GIF

gellaho

That's not foreshadowing anything at all

FancyShark

Andy, now is really not the time to be thinking about your daddy issues

gellaho

Ignore what I just said

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Love that hes taking time to bitch about his dad, really brings home the danger of the situation.

gellaho

Anyway, the economist becomes really pissy when his group decides to start trading with another group

pants elitist jakesy

Ugh these guys don't even understand the concept of M1

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Bruh FIVE POLES!? Are you kidding? You're practically giving those hats away!

gellaho

Well, time to fantasize about a former student again

pants elitist jakesy

Hahaha

It's like the author wants us to hate this guy

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

It's probably for the better that Andrew is stranded on a desert planet getting poked in the dick.

gellaho

I could be mean about this joke and compare it to something Neal wrote

So obviously I'm going to

gellaho

FancyShark

I don't understand "meters". How many tall men tall are the poles?

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

Andrew tries to introduce the concept of currency and gets turned into leather

Brendan

Ah, the author makes himself known at last.

gellaho

I mean, that would be an idea that would have something to do with Andy's backstory

So obviously Neal isn't going to do that

Brendan

2m = 1 darth vader

gellaho

You have no idea

The rest of the book really did make me forget all this color shit

gellaho

But, you'll see why

pants elitist jakesy

Looks like this guy discovered his old Crayola 72 color box

WITH crayon sharpener

gellaho

Anyway, the dun slavers ignore Andy's attempts at communication

gellaho

Ah, one of those rich fuckers

FancyShark

Neal uses "dun" so much it's like a verbal tic

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn

pants elitist jakesy

I was thinking more like the law and order noise

gellaho

Hey, I made that joke already

Now, I did know how this was gonna go. Which could be considered unfair

But also: suck it

Wang Laser Javo

Wisdom

gellaho

Andy's strangled by a beast of burden

Wang Laser Javo

Andy is not good at this

FancyShark

Hi, @Wang Laser Javo !

gellaho

HAM FISTS

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hell yeah, we are having a good old fashioned Rigellian Academic Pull!

gellaho

Some people like Thraxil have saved him!

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

my head is translating the accent as an uwu-ism

gellaho

Isn't that nice

gellaho

I'm sure this won't be ruined

Brendan

GUNGANS

gellaho

Oh, oopsie, they're cannibals

FancyShark

ORCS

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Eh.

Whomst among us, right?

gellaho

Anyway, he decides to rude with these cannibals for a while

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

I'll forgive the cannibalism if they eat andrew first

pants elitist jakesy

"All that choking reminded me of my students, most of whom I've dreamed about fuckin"

gellaho

Andy's cool with it, but needs to know why

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

What a weird kind of question to ask, its obvious why. They're delicious.

gellaho

I mean, like, have you, like, ever thought about that, maaaaaaaaaaaan

FancyShark

Kinda weird you consider abnormals to be slaves, Neal

pants elitist jakesy

We got a real Jerry Garcia alien here

gellaho

Line, what if we're the crazy ones, right? Whoa

pants elitist jakesy

You don't need to be crazy to work here, but it helps!

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

andrew gets philosophical when you take his crayons away

gellaho

I think the other crazies just have to live alone

But these are nomadic cannibals

This is kind of explained. But we have like a hundred pages

Maybe.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Stop doing Bell Curve shit to the aliens, Andrew.

gellaho

Hey look, more cannibalism!

FancyShark

Nomadic Hat Distribution. ADVENTURE!

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

Here's a full page of dialog, fuck you

pants elitist jakesy

The greenies are going to be people too, I just know it

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew being a real pussy about his captors being eaten.

FancyShark

Just run, Andrew. They have bad legs. They won't catch you.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Just a real Judgy Jessup.

gellaho

They have bad everything

They're jigsaw people

pants elitist jakesy

Remember though Andy is a fuckin dork who's dad hates him for being the anti-Chad

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew is clearly not the kind of person to decide "Might as well be king of the cannibal mutants."

gellaho

So, Andy was captured to deliver him to a town without a crazy

gellaho

Turns out Thraxil was the smart one

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I mean Andrew hasnt built a fuckin hut so whos the smart one now?

gellaho

Time for some nihilism

gellaho

Spoiler alert: he will never see a capsule-eater again

gellaho

Introduced in page two and never again

FancyShark

This is Dante's Inferno without the imagery or political commentary

gellaho

Basically the only thing that's never really explained

FancyShark

Neal probably forgot about it

gellaho

I don't know, what happened in 1973

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Famously nothing.

gellaho

That's probably it

Anyway, Andy rides off on his horse

FancyShark

Nothing I can see with this book, anyway

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Honestly, id have eaten some of the dipshit meat. Just to see what it tastes like.

At least in the spirit of scientific inquiry, you know?

gellaho

This seems like it's setting up a point

gellaho

It is not

pants elitist jakesy

What really is normal

, maaaaaan

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Of course, you could just not take the word of a person who is not that bright and maybe doesnt travel all that far from their accustomed routes, ANDREW.

gellaho

He finds bamboo

FancyShark

Immediately mauled by a panda

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Panda maulings are especially bad because the panda falls asleep halfway thru.

Andrew needs to get a better Minecraft mod, tbh.

gellaho

This bamboo is also the magical bulbs, if you're wondering

FancyShark

Nothing to read into a sac-like plant that grows a long rod and you suck the liquid out of it. Seems fine, Neal.

gellaho

If it's only a meter tall, that's not really a forest

FancyShark

Yeah. That's more a field

I don't Neal understands what a "meter" is

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

But are they as tall as a tall man?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Thats not even one tall man tall, Neal.

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Americans, amiright?

gellaho

Who knows

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Until he dies of exhaustion

FancyShark

Speaking of going somewhere, you planning on having the story do that, Neal?

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Nah

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I love that he's just going someplace random for basically no reason.

gellaho

He eventually finds a forest

gellaho

You probably don't want to know

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Not to explore, or find someplace good to live. Just literally because he cant think of anything else to do.

FancyShark

He forgot the main quest and sucks at finding side quests

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I'll forgive Neal this book if Andrew has a stick fight in this bamboo field.

gellaho

He builds a hut, but misses rocks

FancyShark

Oh, are you bored, Andrew? We can come back

gellaho

The rods are becoming more girthy

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Not so fuckin smart now, huh Andrew? Turns out "lack of rocks" might be a pretty good reason why people dont have better tools.

pants elitist jakesy

Can't get his hands around those girthy rods huh

FancyShark

"I was practically surrounded by shafts too big for me to hold. Why are you laughing?"

gellaho

He meets a new friend

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Watching grass grow is dumb, why do that when you can READ about it?!

gellaho

And he's gone

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Equip your sharpened stick!

Oh whats that? You dont have one?

FancyShark

"I saw a thing, then it left. It's not worth mentioning."

gellaho

He also passes the Steele test, but is more "fully developed"

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

"he also handed me the plant things too"

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Human dick?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Guess meat's back on the menu.

FancyShark

All these sparks and flashes of intelligence probably are just the time Andrew made eye contact

gellaho

Andy is accepted

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

there's a surprising lack of hostility towards humans on this planet

FancyShark

And another conflict is avoided before it starts

Ferroday Plays Both Sides

it would be refreshing if it weren't so....boring

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Also Andy, have you seen even ONE kind of alien you couldnt pretty easily beat to death with a stick?

gellaho

Do you remember the lemon from before?

You don't?

Well, it becomes important from here on out

FancyShark

Seriously doubting Andy's ability to enact stick-beatings when the only time he's been attacked, he decided "why bother fighting"

gellaho

The worm

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

It would be really funny if thse aliens had space travel the whole time and by not telling them he's from space he was just stuck forever.

gellaho

His new friend plants the lemon in a garden, but refuses to explain what it is or why he's done this

gellaho

Welcome to this part of the book, where Andy has to slowly wrench explanations out of this guy

FancyShark

Oh GOOD

The pacing was getting pretty wild. Better slow it down.

gellaho

Whee