104: Stress Pattern Neal Barret, Jr.

pants elitist jakesy

at greatly reduced rates!

FancyShark

"Damn, we're outnumbered. If only I'd saved money on a class."

pants elitist jakesy

Discount Karate would have made you a killing machine on alien planets Andrew

gellaho

Luckily, the cannibal freaks show up to save the day

FancyShark

Fat Mhar doesn't appreciate that name

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Yeah Melissa is going to be so stoked about her husbandads cannibal mutant chums from way back.

gellaho

The scarcity makes it great for cannibaling

FancyShark

Friends with cannibals. Sires a weird sportsbaby with his daughterwife. Whines incessantly about locations and being a failure. It's all the ingredients of a timeless and lovable hero

gellaho

gellaho

Everyone hates islands

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

To be fair some of the worst things ever come from islands.

FancyShark

Like durians

gellaho

Or anime

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oliver Cromwell.

Badger, Persian NutPac

Rupert Murdoch

gellaho

Have you heard, Melisa doesn't like the islands?

gellaho

Imagine that for a couple of pages

FancyShark

I like that his dream woman is completely unsupportive of his whims

gellaho

Melisa would rather stay with the misshapen cannibals

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

And all this to avoid telling her his dad was an asshole.

FancyShark

Over yon dune

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

God his innner monologue is such a prime example of asshole inner monologue. Yon dune.

Well that part is just him saying things but still.

gellaho

Off to the islands

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Its fun how he never considers there might be a good reason for locals to not want to go there even if they dont know why.

FancyShark

If we're lucky, you won't even make it to the islands, Andrew

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Tho its probably nothing because if it was something it might be interesting a bit.

gellaho

On the seventh island, Melisa leaves

Badger, Persian NutPac

Dude had a page count he had to hit and is desperately filling time

FancyShark

What's creepy is that it wasn't her thigh

He just found it

gellaho

On island 38, his horse kills itself

FancyShark

"Huh. I guess I should have been feeding it."

Badger, Persian NutPac

Artax! No!!!

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Well at least it didnt live long enough for Andrew to accidentally mind bond with it and have a space horse baby.

gellaho

You know how Andrew lost his mind before? Here we go again

FancyShark

You know what readers love? Hearing how you passed by so many locations not worth describing

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Lol his mind is being unmade because he lost count.

Badger, Persian NutPac

Author did all the drugs to save us from them right before he started writing this manuscript

gellaho

He hears smells, tastes, fucking and death

gellaho

And now forever

HeyitsTom

I've showed up late and I don't know what the hell this book is about, but I really liked:

"I'm scared."

I ignored her.

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Before long he just gets a transmission of a loop of Scarborough Fair

gellaho

gellaho

Eleventy-nine

gellaho

I haven't been able to tell the bees about my freak baby

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Bees are good listeners.

gellaho

Alright, so this is the last sentence before an unbroken, 10 page dialogue where the speakers are never identified

gellaho

Buckle up

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Heeeeeeeeeeeellllllllll yeah

Also aw no bees.

Every planet needs bees.

FancyShark

GIF

Badger, Persian NutPac

They really do! They're huge pollinators.

gellaho

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Badger, Persian NutPac

amazing how the page instantly looks ungodly long

FancyShark

One of the core lessons of Book Cage is if you're going to make a character have a massive existential crisis, you need to make them likable for the reader to give a shit

Likable or interesting

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Psychic communion! neat.

I mean the Lensman books did it better but do your best, Neal.

gellaho

Under the sea, and under that

FancyShark

The ocean is just a place, Andy

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Andrew and the Adventure of the Psychic Space Mermaids!

gellaho

This voice is the reason for everything

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Tho lets face it hes talking to a giant lemon. Or the author, maybe both.

gellaho

Don't talk to me about responsibility, said the alien who created this mess

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

This feels like an author self insert so he can talk about Craft or something.

Badger, Persian NutPac

But what does God need with a sportsbaby?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Sportsbaby fills a deep need I think we all can admit we share.

FancyShark

Lawn ornament?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Sportsbaby is the best part of this book, hands down.

gellaho

Hypothetical question: if you're breath was poisonous

pants elitist jakesy

Sportsbaby is absolutely the mvp

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

So far.

I mean technically I exhale carbon dioxide and that IS technically a thing most things on this planet cant breathe.

So.........

FancyShark

Yeah. So plant a tree

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

I guess I dont know what you think this proves, Alien God Voice.

gellaho

Hey man, look, I had no idea what was going on, man

FancyShark

Alien God Voice has more natural dialogue than Andrew

gellaho

Maybe speaking too soon there

FancyShark

Okay, maybe not natural

But more interesting

gellaho

Like music, but also not

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Oh cool, might have a living planet thing going on.

Badger, Persian NutPac

if YIIK has taught me anything it's that every painfully mediocre writer secretly believes they're the Godhead and I suspect something similar is afoot here.

HeyitsTom

Is stress pattern part 2 the name of this book? Because google doesn't seem to know what I'm looking for

FancyShark

The book is Stress Pattern. This is the second week we're reading it

HeyitsTom

Oh right

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

If Google cant find it AND your monitor starts to weep and bleed from the speakers, then dont worry, thats normal.

pants elitist jakesy

We're on part eleventy-nine now

HeyitsTom

Well I've found the cover art with the giant hairy penis and the seussian spacemen

pants elitist jakesy

That's the one

Badger, Persian NutPac

yup, that's the one

gellaho

So, basically this energy god-being was supposed to burrow into this planet and create life, but it's partner got lost... somehow

pants elitist jakesy

The earth?

gellaho

Lowercase, meaning dirt

pants elitist jakesy

Wouldn't they call it something else since they, you know, don't know of Earth

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Its probably taking the syntax from Andrew, or thats the intended reading

FancyShark

This would have been a much more interesting story if we'd seen a civilization that wasn't alien so we could suspect something was deeply wrong and wonder as to the cause

gellaho

And apparently, it's presence made everything stupid

FancyShark

Making the revelation "alien messed up a different alien world" is hat on a hat

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

This really is a fascinating book, its like if HP Lovecraft was a differently bad writer and was horny.

Badger, Persian NutPac

I will forgive everything else for begatting Sportsbaby.

FancyShark

This is a novelization of someone fucking up Spore

pants elitist jakesy

Also if you meet god you gotta fight god, this is bullshit

gellaho

Man, I like can't kill myself. Don't ask me to explain

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahah Neal doesnt understand evolution and why things become intelligent.

FancyShark

Psychic interference, Neal. Two words and you could have solved this knot you wrote yourself into

gellaho

Remember the bees?

HeyitsTom

Haha I love the unlogic of evolution running on opposite day rules

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"You see, Andrew, when you are the size of a continent and have no limbs, suicide is rather difficult."

gellaho

A big old network

Badger, Persian NutPac

A series of tubes, one might call it

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

So its telepathy.

FancyShark

"Have you ever wrapped a cellphone in tin foil, Andrew?"

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

God, Neal, you are a fuckin dork.

gellaho

This makes everything born here psychic

Badger, Persian NutPac

Psychic powers are like being President, as long as you're born here you're in the running

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahahah they exiled him for his inability to chill.

gellaho

Or because he was thinking at all

FancyShark

That rugged individualist: the economist

gellaho

The only hope are the cannibals

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

As is so often the case.

gellaho

And you get cannibal freaks because somebody emotes wrong

gellaho

FancyShark

"All of this is secondary to the weird shit you've been doing with the lemons, Andrew"

HeyitsTom

Ok so a giant psychic alien parasite accidentally infected this planet to make all the dumb ineffectual losers kill all the smart capable leaders, and said losers turned on our protagonist who then went insane from counting an uncountable number of islands?

gellaho

Oh, and the dun colored aliens also completely and physically wore the planet flat

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"What im getting is its fine to eat the dun colored ones?"

"What........no!"

"Well..........maybe?"

"Look, I'm a space brain, ethics arent really my area."

FancyShark

I think so?

gellaho

Unconsciously, through a psychic link, they terroformed a planet over half a billion years

In order to make it as boring as possible

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

This is what you get when your starseeds are pumpkin flavored.

FancyShark

Psychic sandpaper

gellaho

And three hundred thousand to make the dick worm

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Says no star-conquerors like its a bad thing.

FancyShark

Neal is blaming the masses for not appreciating his work and you're going to read it

Badger, Persian NutPac

GIF

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

im a little sad this is turning into a screed about conformity all of a sudden. You hit a high note like sportsbaby and then its all "the communists want you to all think alike, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan."

gellaho

And the hunters kill each other because they've been out of pray for... three million years

HeyitsTom

There was a bit in the Hitchiker's Guide books where it's revealed that humans came to earth because an advanced society rounded up all its most useless citizens, told them the world was ending and shoved them on a spaceship

Weirdly reminiscent of this

Except the humour was intentional

gellaho

Rhamik time, baby

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Neal is the kind of person who would get a huge boner if he knew people were comparing him to Douglas Adams even unflatteringly.

Oh shit did he turn Rhamik into a dadcat?!

Hahahahahah im imagining one of my cats suddenly turning up but it has my dads face and voice.

gellaho

What happened to Rhamik isn't really made clear

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

You're the chosen one, maaaan

gellaho

But, I think what happened is that Rhamik cared about Andrew so much that he started to look like Andrew

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

He definitely grew a math teacher mustache.

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Now jump down Shai-Hulud's throat, Muad'Dib

pants elitist jakesy

Everyone's scared of the Econ teacher because he doesn't conform to your rules, his only laws are Facts and Logic maaaaaan

FancyShark

If you think about it, this whole book is one savage burn on economists.

"Here's what it would take for you to be awesome, Andrew. An entire planet of dullards who instinctively avoid anything exciting."

HeyitsTom

"You're the coolest guy that's ever been, Neal-I-mean-Andrew"

gellaho

Earlier, Melisa said Rhamik looked like "him," and I don't know who other than Andrew that would be

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

hahahahah

Oh man, this would be a solid cosmic horror premise if Neal was a half competent writer.

gellaho

Andrew may still be able to fix his baby through the power of imagination

pants elitist jakesy

First task: make pp smaller than mine

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"WAIT NOOOOOOOOOOO! I SWORE I WOULDNT DO THAT!"

"CRUEL FATE!"

FancyShark

[sounds of a balloon deflating]

gellaho

Can't make a spaceship out of bamboo

FancyShark

Yes you can! I learned that in Okami!

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

You just need the right kind of varnish.

If anything its easier than building a submarine.

gellaho

Luckily, the alien god-being has kept an oasis where Andrew and his lemon babies can live in peace

FancyShark

"Also, because she'll have killed you."

gellaho

Hey, guess what? We're on the last page!

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

"Look, you have a long road ahead of you, you cant die having fucked your lemon daughter and brought sportsbaby into the world. That karma is just unbearable, you'll be in the Hell of Knives for sure."

HeyitsTom

This is quite an impressive streak of tell don't show. How many more pages before an event happens?

FancyShark

hahaha

hahahahahahahah

pants elitist jakesy

There hasn't been a single event yet, why change up a winning formula

gellaho

When I said last page, I meant literal last page

FancyShark

HAHAHA

HeyitsTom

Oh I missed that while I was typing

Amazing

What an ending

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Hahahahahahah

And Sportsbaby comes down from the north to tread the jewelled thrones of the earth beneath his cleated feet.

Badger, Persian NutPac

Art.

HeyitsTom

"You are now entering theworld of my imagination. You are entering my Darkplace

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Someone hand me a crysknife.

I'm gonna slash up his stillsuit.

gellaho

The End

pants elitist jakesy

Half the dialogue in this book was like "and then half the village suddenly died. Oh well, I continued walking"

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

Gonna fuck him some lemon babies.

gellaho

Thus concludes the most insane book I've ever read

FancyShark

Can't stop what you never start, Andy

HeyitsTom

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Thank you, @gellaho !

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Nice.

gellaho

We have defeated Stress Pattern

FancyShark

That was a trip

We did it!

pants elitist jakesy

Wait is this whole book an allegory about how Neil hates being trapped in his marriage and wishes he would have fucked his students and played football?

gellaho

It's a story about the power of imagination

FancyShark

And how Neal lacks any

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

Which you can use to fuck your students and make a race of sports mutants.

gellaho

I might say he has too much imagination

FancyShark

I guess the title meant nothing

pants elitist jakesy

Lol that last paragraph was him literally turning to the camera and being like "HERE IS THE LESSON OF THE STORY"

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

GIF

Spooky Spook Mordred 👻

The stress pattern was our experience of reading it

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

hahahahahah books are neat.

gellaho

So concludes the 104th Episode of The Book Cage

HeyitsTom

I'm very happy I caught the tail end of this

Thanks everyone

FancyShark

Thanks for joining in!

gellaho

May none of you end up in a psychosexual nightmare of your own design

Areze

dont tell me what to do

FancyShark

May you all be blessed with planet brains. Have a good night!

gellaho

I would tell you to never think of this book again, but I know that's impossible

pants elitist jakesy

SPORTSBABY will be with us forever

Hairy Undulating FlippantSausage

If a drawing of Sportsbaby turned up at some point I wouldnt be mad about that.