The Book Cage: Episode 111: Mention My Name in Atlantis
The Year of Pain has brought us a lot of thing. It's brought Nicole Davidson. It's brought bad genre comedy. And it's brought John Jakes (may he rest in peace). As far as this book is concerned, well, two out of three ain't bad. It's a Conan parody! It's John Jakes! It's a fat man named Hoptor the Vintner! It's this Friday at 5pm eastern!
YUSSSS
*John Jakes, WHOM WE KILLED
you killed, maybe. I didn't do shit
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID
OKAY FINE I MAY HAVE DONE SOME THINGS
when the front cover has a yeti, a jabberwocky, a tied up naked lady and an axe-wielding psychopath, you know you're in for either a very very good time or a very very bad time
It looks like Conan the Barbarian as written by a madman with too much time and a dictionary
I suspect it's another writer who thinks they cna do Discworld
Unless they are a flesh prison housing the soul of Terry Pratchett I don't think they can do it
from the blurb, it's unlikely. But that's a good idea for a modern capitalist horror story
We must kill those we love
If we're unlucky, it'll be that. But given that it's John Jakes, we're more likely going to get something that aims for silly like the blurb promises and ends up being delightfully insane
Counterpoint: this is still the year of pain
I think it was the 93 years what did it
Don't worry, there will be pain. But, rest assured, somehow John Jakes does genre comedy better than the people who made it their way of living
I found a John Jakes book where he doesn't forget the English language. It looks pretty good.
You won't be seeing it this year.
Coming up on the top of the next hour, it's John Jakes' Mention My Name in Atlantis. Here is your preview
"Uh" is definitely a word I would expect an Atlantean to be using
Top of the hour my ass
Top of the next hour, to be fair
It's Atlantean for "Honor upon you and your fish ancestors"
20 bucks
Oh wow, that's way more convenient than the way we say it
This is far more readable than I was expecting
"Doubtless it feared to face the sword of Conax the Chimerical" is exactly what I'd write if I was trying to parody terrible fantasy novels
Uh to you, @FancyShark!
Uh to you, too, @Rachel E. O. Speedwagon !
Fuck yes. Hail satan
BOOK!
Time to begin the process
woo
Suicide King right on the inside front cover, very nice
Oh boy here we go
God the cover
well now we know Hoptor the Vintner survives, fuckin spoilers
And there's another redheaded babe OF COURSE
I dont gellaho has a single book without a redheaded babe for the protagonist to lust over
Not the worst dedication we've seen
Champ
did this guy steal a character from another writer who died?
Conan. He's stealing Conan
oh that's the author of conan, ok
This takes fucking balls, I'll give him that much
Weird move to change the name and then admit in the dedication that you're doing a ripoff
Parody
now I remember, the protagonist of this book is named Conax
not exactly subtle
I, Hoptor
Oh fuck
Gentlemen, we are in big trouble. This is attempted humor.
every month for me was the month of the eager virgin
until sometime in 2009
I, hoptor, write this, none other.
Especially not that hack fraud Jakes.
I
Everybody's just jealous of Hoptor
, perforce,
So am I given to understand that jake's previous works weren't parody?
Action/comedy at best
Got it, Jakes. Thank you. Move on.
"lovable" rogue established
No continue, I don't get it
Thrilling accounts of the valve systems
Tingo Spellhands was deadly serious
The Island Kingdom: A Series of Tubes
Oh, Tingo Spellhands. Those were halcyon days we spent together.
That damn Richard Grieco!
Tingi Spellhands was real?!
Tingo Spellhands was
Tingo Spellhands appeared in multiple novels.
The Greeks: Well known for building crap ships
please, let us speak staightforwardly
He did not, but sure
Although imo, not nearly enough
No didn't he show up in that sequel?
I guess I'm misremembering.
The one that took place hundreds of years later in a different galaxy? Nah
We definitely talked about him during multiple reads
He also got lasered into oblivion in that first book
Well of course
Why wouldn't we?
Anyway, he broke his stylus
haha, that's not a bad joke
I think we found the eager virgin
ease up on that grip, you'll hurt yourself
Off to the book
BOOK
hey gellaho, is this guy really going to narrate the whole thing?
Someday, I hope someone explains to all writers everywhere that simply talking fanciful is not enough to make a full joke
Ahuh
Those lechers, so pious
At this point it would be weird if he didn't
...ok, that's cool
A man orders some "wine"
I told you we were in trouble
Okay but how about this: He's fat.
MORE
Strong advice in COVID times.
(It's not actually wine)
✅ Redhead
I sort of thought either he would only do the prologue, or the writer would get bored of the schtick and make him more normal after a minute
Lusty bargainers
I have no idea what 'lust bargainers' could possibly mean
Hitch up my ass to the hallooes of Sluts
Ephatic Journal of the Whills writing.
I'll tell you for thirty - no, thirty-five dollars.
Look I don't know if you know this but...
I'm catching up.
That makes as much sense as 'we Floridians are frugal and cantankerous breakdancers.'
Disconsolate ball juggler
Stop describing gellaho and pay attention
Velo
He gives Lemmix some hot leads on some viagra and says the title
If everyone in Atlantis talks like this guy, I can't wait for it to sink
I hath no idea what you mean
IT'S SPREADING!
maybe it got so heavy because of all the words
As long as Shiva doesn't show up
Oh is that why Australians talk like they do?
And he's got a lady in the casket
Redheads only emerged a few thousand years ago, this Atlantean tale is historically inaccurate.
no that's to keep flies out of our mouths
@LyraV have your people ever visited atlantis?
Beset by seers
Do you even have to ask, there are foxes fucking everywhere
DOOM
I prefered self-serious Jakes to playful jocularist Jakes.
DOOOOOOM
Did I just walk into an old twisted toyfare theatre joke?
DOOOOOOOM
someone said 'good satire takes itself seriously but never suggests that you should'
In fairness, having the hog veterinarian set up shop in the temple was a bad idea
Atlantis is going to burn through its complete storehouse of exclamation points and have to start trading with the Graeks.
I see someone is afraid of innovation
I dunno, one dead hog is a prank, two is DOOOOOOOOOOOM!
DOOOM 64 running on a TI calculator! DOOOOOOOOOOM!
Look I've been obsessively trying to get my coworkers to watch Bloodsport but this seems better. I'll get caught up.
Three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver
doooooooooooom
Further on, he encounters a crazy old guy who sees flying saucers
okay I'm out of doom
It's extremely not better than that but your company is welcome
"Those are called frisbees, dude"
Oh shit it's the High Sparrow
Hoptor the Vinter. Yes.
King Geriasticus and Queen Voluptua
I mean im all for agitating in the public square about overthrowing our social betters but wont someone think of the hogs?!
Ah I know where this is going. We're going to end up fucking King Geriasticus
Scandalous AND depraved? We could handle one but not both faints
Jakes looked up the word "subtlety" in the dictionary, then threw the wretched book into the fire
Also im pro scandalous and depraved queens.
his queen, voluptua
Captain Num
what was the sex cat in cycling through time called? Ovulaton or something
"And his Holiness, the Bishop of Kiddiefiddler is a right bad sort."
It's a family name
Queen Voluptua is scandalous and depraved, Prince Fatula is gluttonous and gregarious, princess consort Beautina is vain and shallow..
I laughed
Grand Admiral Larry is...actually, he's nothing special
Look Captain Num is definitely a cats name he stole for this book.
The axle on Hoptor's cart breaks, releasing:
Their third cousin Gorgothan the Bloodhungerer is alright, he should be king instead.
Hoptor let's mix some weird metaphors.
Nice guy, spoke at my wedding.
Discworld was sharp humor on a flat planet, whereas this is flat humor on an obtuse one.
Filoni's Thrawn, then.
Aphrodisia
I dont think putting girls in wine does much for the flavor, thats not how you make traditional Chinese Daughter Red my friend.
Tequila went through a few variants before they settled on worms
this really begs the question 'why put her in the barrel'
Child smuggling.
How else is she going to get downriver?
You mean Hormona of the planet Vulvan?
sure
I miss Jack, the Space and Time Cyclist
Metal bosom-cups
She's saying "sob" out loud. It's very transparent
if only she could have put on normal clothes and walked to the party like a human
Pffffft nobody likes a cry slut, not even in a diaphanous girdle. Ge poked an air hole. stop being a baby.
alas, impossible
Hoptor the Sex Criminal
I hope she's pronouncing the parentheses properly
That's what torurers do, sure
I'm annoyed that this man is younger than me
If you do it right you can just stuff the bits back in and sew them up and do it again sometime, thats the real trick of a master torturer
I want to be a respectable slut
Come on, you have your own thriving wine trade and beautiful young women begging you to marry them, right?
Yeah, 35-year-old guys are always trying to wriggle out of marriage to my one who got away, sure.
[glances at single bottle of unlabeled whiskey]
...yes?
It's a world full of unpleasant people
Who could have guessed that a man named Pytho in this world was untrustworthy?
The employment of twinks is a sign of corruption, sure
Swart?
"Swart" is the worst shortening of a word that is already unfortunate, I really dont like "swarthy" in the first place.
Did I read that right? A swart thick armed man?
Yeah ok. Just wanted to be clear.
good grief I looked away for two minutes and it's already completely unsalvageable
Pomaded lips?
Yes... wine
oh good the homophobia's arrived
I feel like if I said that to someone they'd be offended. Yeah you're quite swart Sir.
This is not how i wanted to find I read the wrong kind of novels that use "swart" often enough I know what it means.
Get ready for some real haggard jokes about Pytho and his mansevants.
It's okay, we're judging you harshly now but by this time next week we'll have mostly forgotten about it.
You know Rome fell because it permitted wine merchants to become authors.
So is he a pimp or a human trafficker? Trying to figure out exactly how likable our protagonist is
Atlantis is apparently full of sex workers ripe for unionization.
I'm putting a lot on emphasis on the T when I say it though maybe that's it. I'll stop fixating on swart I've just ...never read that word used descriptively and it's really getting to me.
Pimp
unless his cart crossed state lines
Hoptor, in his outrage, stomps his foot, causing Atlantis to sink because he is fat
Who abandons Aphrodisia immediately
By the way, where the fuck is conax?
Ha. Fuck you Aphrodisia
She would obviously be easier to catch because Hoptor is fat
patiently waiting for this hilarious sequence to be over
wait
Look, I don't want to be on Hoptor's side here, but anyone who willingly climbs into a cask deserves whatever happens next
I like to think he gave a thumbs up while shouting fend for yourself.
Time to devise a rescue plan by getting blitzed
Also how I studied for exams
I'm assuming you use it to roll special joints or something.
The best wines come in jars
These are days of high adventure
He really doesn't like being called a panderer
I'm not cool with him referring to his employees as his vintages
"I'm not a pimp! I put women into BARRELS!"
I don't think that's what panderer means
"I am, if anything, an incompetent serial killer!"
P***erer is so offensive to pimps
"I would like a wine with big tits please. Golly this is fun isn't it"
You're just jealous he has pimp code words
I mean...kind of
It's pimptalk
On to the fifth jug
just pimptalk baby
he should switch to boxed after the fourth jar
Jakes was going through some shit
Stepping outside makes him feel intoxicated, couldn't imagine why
What was the ancient atlantean equivalent of a box of wine? An amphora? Do you just squeeze the wine out of a blowfish?
Every baby shower had at least one fish squeezin table
Sucking it off the grape stomper's foot
I assume it was some kind of bronze urn with playfully erotic art on the side.
Whatever it was, it probably had a shitload of lead in it
We call it RR for short because rotton row is fucking ridiculous.
It's where Ronnie lived
RIP
"Our tourism board kept pressing us to rename it, but it was familiar"
Head-wallopers
Dont you kind of WANT to be molested by harlots? Isnt that kind of their job?
Sharps? Like, syringes?
As a pimp Hoptor should be more concerned with the state of his industry.
ok who wants to bet on total jars of wine consumed by our hero?
I think we're at 5 now
Oh so our Vintner isn't going to marry aphrodisia because he's looking for an available lad
I'll go 20 total, over/under?
It's like you still don't understand P-talk
He didnt go thru the full list either! How is he supposed to let us know the place is a dump if he doesnt use words like "waghalter"?!
And if you were worried about the lad, it's far more bizarre than you'd imagine
It is actually real old timey talk for swindler
oh yeah, like a cardsharp