111: Mention My Name in Atlantis John Jakes

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

His diction is all real and valid, it's just exhausting

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Shes in the Fuckcell.

gellaho

It's my job to profit off her misfortune!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You can tell its the Fuckcell because it has newer hay and the manacles are padded.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

get it the captain is gay for the general

FancyShark

Captain Crybaby saves another soul

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's klassic komedy

Velo Martingale

Oh now I get it

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Haha he's gay so he cries at the rape of prisoners

gellaho

Then the seven year old gets drunk and tickles a wench

Velo Martingale

Classic gay

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahah Mimmo rules.

GDC's Quivering Thews

get some, feral seven year old

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you know guys, I'm starting to think Atlantis had it coming

gellaho

More booze for the thinking!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Why is this precocious hard drinking whoremongering 1st grader not put protagonist??

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean he could just buy her

that seems to be the done thing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Goddam fascists, selling my sex slave! It's an injustice!"

FancyShark

"Better get on down to the old slave mart and rescue my girlfriend. Eh, it can wait until tomorrow"

Velo Martingale

I really hope Atlantis sinks in this book and we get a roland emmerich disaster

gellaho

A good boozy breakfast

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

THE MOON IS GOING TO HELP US

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

when I was a pimp I ate three dozen eggs

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Choice.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Oh hey he's fat so he eats a lot. Great job subverting expectations jakes.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

...and I keep all my slaves on a baaaaaaarge

what were we doing?

FancyShark

Six jars now

Or seven if it was a full jar at the tavern

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah no one declared if they were going over or under 20

Velo Martingale

I'll say over

Because he's fat, you see

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we'll say 7 so far, I'm not under-estimating him

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Okay so it only counts if he drinks them on screen right?

gellaho

He promised to describe the water works in the prologue.

Oh, also the slave mart is there

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I wonder how big these jars are, if were talking mason jars its not that big a deal, if its like.........Drunken Master jars.........

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sure

FancyShark

I'm not allowed to gamble, per my lawyer's advice

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I say at least 50.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

50's a big swing but we don't seem to be very far into the book yet, so you might be in with a chance

Velo Martingale

Don't keep the slave market next to the water works, idiots

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Go big or go home to atlantis my whoremongers

Velo Martingale

The slaves will get dirty and the water works will get clogged with dead slaves

FancyShark

The slaves will absorb any leaks

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Where else will you dispose of the slave corpses?

FancyShark

Also, hell yes on the new title, @Velo Martingale

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we sure are hearing a lot about this intricate valving system

Velo Martingale

None of you appreciate the importance of slave free plumbing

gellaho

Hoptor's a great guy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I sure hope no questing barbarian fucks it all up

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

God I hope there's a camel

FancyShark

The Lockhorns have more affection that Hoptor does for Aphrodisia

Velo Martingale

These are the water works of high adventure

gellaho

Breechclout

GDC's Quivering Thews

once he can't afford it, all of a sudden he has an issue with human trafficking

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Do you think ctom would be interested in aphrodisia?

Velo Martingale

No she's too old

FancyShark

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNTS!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh this slave market has a splash zone

that's advanced

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The first two rows may get flailed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Breechclout" is one of those old words im not surprised isnt in use anymore.

FancyShark

That joke is available to untubed subscribers only

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Flailing the audience with chains is WHY you bring your kids to the front row!

Velo Martingale

Shark is about to sink Atlantis

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Free beatings, what a bonanza!

gellaho

A stranger almost forces Haptor's girth off the bench

FancyShark

There's our possible hero

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Yeah the kids get a real kick out of it, for adults you're just like "ughh, now i need to change my clothes and have my bones reset"

Velo Martingale

I hope it's not, I hope this is just some guy

gellaho

I wonder who this could be

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yup. Thats a particularly Howardian barbarian if I ever saw one.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Are we going to hear more about his monstrous girth?

FancyShark

"I shan't lie. I would have been welcome to slicing off a piece."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the mighty thews displayed below the garment around his middle?

GDC's Quivering Thews

you know he's a conan knockoff when he's got thews

gellaho

I've always said you want to keep a shrunken head on your thong

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is that thicc thighs or what?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its the style of the time.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yup. He hath mighty thews and all that.

Brendan!™

I ADHDed out, what happened?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also probably a fat and juicy untamed hog.

gellaho

I like this guy

Velo Martingale

Nothing but Conan is here now

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

All of this muscle describing is redundant, we already knew he moved the vintnor

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

A pimp had his barrel of sex worker confiscated, and now he's here to buy her back off the slave block.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I've never read conan, but I didn't imagine him this verbose

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And Dollar Store Conan is here.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

figured him more of a grunt-and-point kinda guy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's surprisingly well educated.

gellaho

There he is

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Conax got this strong by deadliftung thesauruses

Brendan!™

Honey, if he won't buy you from crooked cops he's never going to marry you.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if you're enslaved to him, you ain't gettin over him

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The lesson every woman learns sooner or later

gellaho

I like him less now

Velo Martingale

Conax please kill Hoptor

LyraV

Idk maybe the right cask girl

gellaho

Quivering thews

Brendan!™

250 pages about what an idiot Conan is will be a long crawl.

Velo Martingale

aw poor widow phlebus

LyraV

Like I could see myself falling in love with someone climbing out of a cask but that's a me problem.

gellaho

Off by 110

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sometimes it just feels nice to be wanted, even if it is at the slave auction

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

When th elderly widow was told she'd be put on the slave block for auction, she never thought things would be this bad

Velo Martingale

I'm sure you'll find your forever home soon, Widow Phlebus

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Taking notes...

gellaho

Indescribably phantasmagoric

GDC's Quivering Thews

Conan the Infodumper

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jakes is so bad at imitating a Conan story it wraps back around to being funny.

LyraV

Does he punch his way out? Because he does now in my dreams.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

uh oh, we're reaching critical levels of stoutness

FancyShark

There's something, I dunno, sexual about the way he describes the encounter? Maybe I'm reading too much into it

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Yeah, this part actually is getting funny.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If you dont bring up the question "Did you kind of want to fuck it?" you arent barbarianing properly.

gellaho

Wizards and warlocks!?

LyraV

Plundering shipping lanes is pretty hot.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

His thews are so girthy rn

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Taking more notes...

Velo Martingale

Don't stroke your blade in public Conan

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lemuria is pretty cool. Lot of weird monkeys tho.

Full of em.

Their king is especially weird.

gellaho

Sportive, defiant, and pathetic

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Steal! That! Wench!

Brendan!™

Jakes mistakes mimicry for mockery and mockery for spoof.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh she was naked last night, this is good info. Helps round out her character

Brendan!™

Weirdest season of The Bachelor yet.

gellaho

I'm beginning to think Conax might have a condition with all this twitching

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Thats a good way to win auctions.

gellaho

I contend that this is still better than every other "comedy" I've forced upon you all

A blessed lack of puns

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Yeah it's shockingly good

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I'll take Jakes being bad at Conan over anything else weve had this year.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I mean it's not good but it hasn't caused me physical pain

FancyShark

Yeah. This doesn't carry the whiff of "mwuhuhuh, aren't I the cleverest?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

apart from the narrator

FancyShark

It's stupid, but it seems aware of it

gellaho

Conax threatens for the right to bid

Brendan!™

Crossover with the time bike and the weird alien on p 78

GDC's Quivering Thews

This is pre-discworld, so it's not just a less clever Pratchett knockoff

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I think Jakes thinks its stupid because of the material and doesn't realize the stupid is coming from inside the house.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

She's totally looking for conax to buy her

gellaho

Haptor tries to cheat this auction

FancyShark

I think he's aware it's dumb but is counting on that to be enough of a joke

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Let me propose something.

gellaho

Back to the financial duel

Velo Martingale

"You have to help me or you'll make a greater profit!"

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

This novel, adapted into a movie, with only one change: Rick Moranis plays Conax

Brendan!™

Turns out money pigging is the only thing that turns Haptor on.

GDC's Quivering Thews

not lewd, just lewd looking

Brendan!™

A reverse Rachel!

gellaho

Classic grimy office boy distraction

Velo Martingale

But like Current Rick Moranis, right? 70 year old Rick Moranis.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jakes demonstrating he never read Conan, what kind of wussy ass barbarian COUNTS coins?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

There's no bad rick moranis tbh

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

What kind of wussy ass barbarian COUNTS?

Velo Martingale

Quick! Beat your intern as a distraction!

gellaho

Conax, with the might of Frank Hardy, throws a bench at Haptor

GDC's Quivering Thews

none of the offices i've worked in had any grimy boys

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean you have to be able to count a LITTLE so you can pay for drinks and know how much your loot is worth.

gellaho

Just a reminder that Frank threw a church pew at somebody in Dead of Night

Velo Martingale

Maybe you weren't looking hard enough

Brendan!™

I didn't like this movie of his: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/man-arrested-new-york-city-attack-actor-rick-moranis-n1247852

GDC's Quivering Thews

Jakes really loves him some thews

he's thewrsty

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

threw with thews.

Velo Martingale

Don't worry everyone he got better

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

how is everyone else pronouncing thews?

gellaho

Such a deft sit

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Stop practicing and just beat up woody allen already, Brendan!

GDC's Quivering Thews

Our protagonist continues to struggle with having a gigantic ass

Velo Martingale

Like David Thewlis but without the 'lis'

or the David

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

When im having fun I prounounce it "tee-hyouse"

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

And nicki minaj as hathor

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if only I knew how to pronounce david thewlis

Velo Martingale

easy trick for that

Take the word 'thew', right? and add a -lis

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The massive thrust

GDC's Quivering Thews

oh now, now how will his acquaintance get fish?

Velo Martingale

also add a David

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I will not tolerate this buffoonery!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Thats a solid barbarian shafting.

gellaho

Smelt-nibbler

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I've seen better.

Velo Martingale

Oh no the gaffer!

FancyShark

If Conax got beaten to death by merchants and the book ended, it'd be a novel take on Conan

gellaho

Quivering-thewed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They cant all be Grace Jones bashing peasants with a stick.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Smelt is a kind of fish you see

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

In my dreams they are

Velo Martingale

Not with that attitude they can't

gellaho

Previously Noted Pug-Ugly is the name of my punk band

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

"I knew precisely what I was doing" is a competent joke, credit where it is due.

GDC's Quivering Thews

that guy is going to die of septicemia from that bite

gellaho

All the thews action you can take

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its fine, they'll cut off his hand and give him a neat hook prosthetic.

FancyShark

Expansion of the Thews was the Taming of the Shrew sequel we never got

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Guys I've never seen a wild bear finish a meal. Do they lunge for a bit afterwards?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

No the lunging is usually the first part.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

They should really wait 20-30 minutes after a meal to do any kind of calisthenics imo

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The end bit is where whatever the bear has been eating is at its least in need of being lunged at.

Dead salmon rarely move much.

GDC's Quivering Thews

exit, lunged at by a bear

gellaho

Atlantis was famous for its pickles

Velo Martingale

If the entire rest of the book is just fleeing Conan that's a solid parody

FancyShark

That'd be some Catch-22 level comedy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Delicious Atlantean pickles.

Aquaman has to do so much to keep their trademark intact.

gellaho

That plan backfires, and everyone else gets released

Brendan!™

You mean persian peppers?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Conan chasing him across the egyptian desert, the arctic tundra...

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Parody the Giants Daughter story and when Conan catches up he does deep kissing.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

At the mention of exercise, Hoptor leaps from the building

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did anyone give aphrodisia clothes at any point?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Of course not.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

It has been lightly implied that yes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

This is a Conan esque story, women dont wear clothes.

Ever.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

They can wear a face cloth or two

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hm, conflicting answers. I guess it will be lefyt up to the individual reader

gellaho

Such exercises

FancyShark

Sometimes they get a loincloth if there's a blizzard

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh there we go, near-nudity

Brendan!™

The barrel was her clothes. Hapthor was the only man to ever buy her an outfit.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Near-nudity.. I win, sausage.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I honestly cant think of more than one woman in any Conan story who wasnt mostly nude.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Face cloth. Maybe a hand towel.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'll assume collar and sandals

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Those dont count! If you describe something as "Diaphanous" its an accessory!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I hope Captain Num shows up soon

gellaho

Everything is lewd, lascivious, or lusty

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its meant to make you MORE nude, Jakes just doesnt know the rules for nudity.

FancyShark

This mathematics teacher joke is revealing more about Jakes' fantasies than anything else so far

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

THAT'S IT. We settle this like barbarians. Broadswords, at the top of the exercise building, when yon sundial reaches VI

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sounds like this Menos guy should push his blackmailer off the roof?

gellaho

Vengeful Pretty-Boy was the name of my Glam Metal band

Brendan!™

I only read the Robery Jordan ones but yeah.

Immediately followed by The Implication scene

gellaho

Good news. The aliens are here

GDC's Quivering Thews

fuck, finally

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell yeah, we gonna get some Tower of the Elephant shit.

FancyShark

Hell yes. Jakes is starting to lose his mind. Hopefully this gets nuts

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Theory: his publisher asked Jakes to make his books a little "steamier," and this whole novel is a retaliatory prank.

Velo Martingale

YES SINK IT

gellaho

Phantasmagorical lanterns

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The aliens, obviously, will soon begin probing.

Velo Martingale

DOOOOOM

I found more doom

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I don't think Doom is an explanation

unless you're asking Dr Doom how a feat of extraordinary willpower and genius could possibly be completed

gellaho

And away they go

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ah, no. Sorry, book law says you cant use the word "phantasmagorical" more than once in any 100 pages.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

No, I agree with the ranting madman, its clearly portents of doom.

Velo Martingale

oh

GDC's Quivering Thews

what's the limit on thews?

Velo Martingale

okay i'll put the doom back in the jar

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Generously high, as well as bosoms.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

NONE. Maximum thews.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Most books dont even begin to run out of thews\bosoms.

Velo Martingale

Infinite thews

Thewfinity

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

thews are completely unregulated in atlantis

gellaho

Off to see the king