111: Mention My Name in Atlantis John Jakes

Brendan!™

And now I'm wondering who in the name of Mandela I thought was dead.

Velo Martingale

Thews.

Brendan!™

Anyway, Nelson Mandela = dead. Tim Curry = alive. That's the [checks notes] consensus.

gellaho

Flex

Brendan!™

David Thewlis = alive

And the only man who can play a live-action Wallace & Grommit

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Does he play both?!

Velo Martingale

A yoked Wallace

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did the plot just get resolved off-screen

Brendan!™

Blowing my mind to learn ancient Atlanteans had cheese.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Dont answer that, of course he does. I've started on a rough draft of the screenplay.

gellaho

Then Haptor beats up an old man

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

What else would they have with their wine and crackers?

Female figs?!

Brendan!™

Blowing my mind to learn ancient Atlanteans had crackers

We know from historical documents they had no wine. Only redheads

The headiest draught.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Oh you're simping for lyra too? Solidarity.

gellaho

Mimmo, no!

FancyShark

How could you!

Velo Martingale

Mimmo you son of a bitch I hope you drown!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Mimmo gets paid, bitches. Mimmo doesnthave time for friends.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nothing personal, its just Mimmo business.

gellaho

Hoptor runs away again

Velo Martingale

anyways this is Mimmo

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mimmo doesnt care.

gellaho

Ululating theewwwwssss

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Man this negotiation has really broken down.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

'unprecedented rate' is kinda funny

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Thrashing amidst the grapes with Captain Num, huh?

gellaho

Conax murders everyone

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

As I understand it this is where the giant robot comes in, for negotiation.

Brendan!™

A gentleman never simps. He begs.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Another bigot turns out to be a closet case.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's it for captain Num

Brendan!™

This thews thing is past irksome.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Well then explain @Flippant Sausage, rebunned

FancyShark

He died as he lived: off-screen

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nobody ever accused me of being a gentleman.

BlindMonkey

Strategy seven

Brendan!™

Or a simp.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I am, on both counts.

Brendan!™

Promotional consideration for Mr. Dayle's cameo has been paid for by the Gleam Cubing Foundation.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

My favourite character.

I wish that was a joke.

gellaho

Geriasticus done died of the flux

Velo Martingale

Mimmo's still here

I heard if everyone dies we unlock Detective Mimmo

gellaho

"Character" seems a little strong

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Good point. I hope Mimmo defeats Conax in the climax.

Brendan!™

I'm king. Sorry nobody else was around to hear the king say I should be king.

Velo Martingale

Mimmo's gonna rip that pig's f*cking head off

Brendan!™

And now the people love Maximus more than me.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You could do worse than a general i suppose.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

funny how it always works out that way, huh. Anyway is the executioner on shift?

haha listen to me, still thinking like a general instead of a king. Summon the executioner at once

FancyShark

Does this vex you?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Sure, having the military lead the state has never been a problem.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Not even one time!

FancyShark

Look, Atlantis turned out- oh, right

gellaho

They meet with Pythos, who betrays them!? Who couldst have foreseen!

Velo Martingale

Whomst indeed!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

"Pythos! That scheming snak-oh. I feel like this one is on me."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

God nobody likes a pimp who is all "oooh at least I tried!"

gellaho

Eternal Bonko

Brendan!™

A cake of ice in hell

You know, the famously ineffectual ice cake

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Zorophim having not invented orbital bombardment yet.

gellaho

The aliens have forgotten their telekenetic powers

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ice cakes are beloved in cold climates. Why i wore my teeth down on one earlier today. Coworker retired.

Brendan!™

Retired or murthered by Pytho?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Well, y'know, office gossip is so unreliable.

gellaho

You don't want to be executed by Cloddus

FancyShark

Cloddus try! Cloddus try best!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Im not one to tell a woman she cant do things, but Aphrodisia is unusually fixated on becoming the wife of a fat pimp.

I mean she cant be president or anything but she still has options.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

more a "shouldn't" than a "can't" really

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Cloddus, son of Foolius, who was son of Nincompo

gellaho

RIP Cloddus

FancyShark

It's honestly a miracle they have generations

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I'd be gunning for alien concubine at this point

Velo Martingale

Oh no Cloddus! He was present!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

head injuries can cause lifelong mental impairment, but with Cloddus who could tell

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Alien concubine has social mobility! its not a bad career choice and theres always a chance you get a Flash Gordon thing going on.

gellaho

Second part of the plan: tabloids

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Well, their family home is under atlantean power lines

Velo Martingale

Thew!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

HEEEEEYAAAW its time to overthrow the Atlantean military junta!

Also "The Holex" is what I call my old girlfriend.

gellaho

It's a really complicated plan, walking through the doors

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I mean not to judge but when i foment a revolution I won't start by trying to radicalize TMZ

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Walking thru the doors and TALKING thankyouverymuch.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I mean IF. IF in theory i was doing that.

gellaho

Yes, I wonder what it could be

FancyShark

It's better to recruit people the enemy will hesitate to kill

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean you could do worse, TMZ already does propaganda.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

You're right, I apologize for accusing you of being a gentleman.

FancyShark

Semen!

Velo Martingale

How many jars does this vat count as?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

delicious jizz!

gellaho

I guess only the queen has the telekinesis

gellaho

You might need to see a doctor

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Remember the time I revolted you with talking about the KFC double down making one moist and wanting?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

More than fifty baby!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ew no seriously i have a food thing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The vat is at least one tall man tall, we know that now.

gellaho

Yeah, I wonder what could be causing that

FancyShark

Okay, maybe Dimetapp

gellaho

Things are going great in Atlantis

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Id be disappointed that the sacred fuel was purple stuff and not sunny d

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"OH GOD STOP THEM! We add chemicals to the fuel to make it undrinkable!"

gellaho

Noddle and smarf

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm happy I called that the sacred fuel would be wine

but I wish my first guess wa correct

BlindMonkey

There's always the world of fanfiction

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It would have been more fun if it was cum, but oh well.

gellaho

What a revelation...

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I guess Jakes never read a manga.

FancyShark

The aliens' ships are severely diabetic

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he's not the very model of a modern major general

Velo Martingale

Yeah lick that pestle

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

So they need Aphrodisia I guess

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

What would be hilarious would be if we found out Jakes was a gigantic manga fan and has like a whole room in his house for his One Piece collection.

gellaho

Pytho comes by to execute them, but luckily Conax's men have arrived

FancyShark

Reinforcements here to...oh dear

Velo Martingale

That's a lot to accuse random strangers of

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Dude...........we invented Greek Fire, all these guys are bacon."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"haha our home is about to be destroyed, get rekt idiot"

gellaho

That time machine would be pretty funny

Velo Martingale

But also, you know, maybe still cut Vitner's head off?

There's no reason not to

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Depends on what colour they are.

gellaho

What a king

Velo Martingale

Chimeria does sound awfully greek...

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

yeah i said it, blue people are all criminals

Velo Martingale

They're probably here to pythagoras young ladies

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I saw Avatar once and you cannot convince me that its not about horse fucking.

gellaho

Thewwwwwwws

Velo Martingale

thews!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Dont get me started on those fucking smurfs #gargameldidnothingwrong

Velo Martingale

#gargameldidsomethingswrongbuthadagoodpoint

gellaho

Famously blond, the Greeks

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he's been referring to Aphrodisia as "the baggage" this whole time hasn't he

FancyShark

She thinks it's his cute nickname for her

gellaho

I really expect better from a pimp

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

This guy talks about Thews more than ctom with his mouth full

Velo Martingale

I rest my case

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I cant acknowledge any Achilles that doesnt kiss the homies.

If you dont do deep kissing with Patroclus you aint a real Achilles, thats just the rules.

gellaho

Conax suffocates the functionaries with grain

FancyShark

That's...jesus, that's brutal

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Now that's a guy who knows where to get proper souvlaki

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's weird

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They're...........destroying their OWN grain stores?

Cool idea, islanders.

gellaho

Or you don't have a weak spot like a video game boss

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

They're just adding protein to the mix

gellaho

Wicked wazir

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell yeah, War Yaks.

Not Black Sabbaths best song but a crowd pleaser.

Brendan!™

This is the softest sci fi imaginable.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Flaccid, you could call it.

gellaho

Can't stop the angry mob, them's the rules

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

what in the fronk are you saying, brendan?

gellaho

It's fantasy, so yeah

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Brendan likes his fantasy hard, turgid even. And throbbing.

Theeeeewwwwws

FancyShark

Conax, you should probably work on your crew. Maybe narrow their focus to just looting, sacking, burning and murder.

gellaho

Conax doing some head puppetry

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

nope

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

At least reorder the priorities, like...........looting and burning come first.

Velo Martingale

No.

gellaho

Great success

Velo Martingale

Oh no, the incidental sinking of Atlantis!

FancyShark

All this could have been avoided, Hoptor, if you'd negotiated a better price on your not-wife

gellaho

Haptor objects to taxes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Or like...........just did some work and rebuilt your houses and maybe thought a little harder about your economic system, like......yall have rocks and trees and stuff.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

How interesting. Post revolution, the pimp is beginning to show signs of liberta-WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE ALIENS

Velo Martingale

Oh no Hoptor's the first libertarian

gellaho

Well, that seems like a lot of wok. Better leave Earth.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Getting blasted on Atlantean red.

Velo Martingale

Quick! Sink the city!

Insurance fraud your civilization!

gellaho

Seems democratic

FancyShark

Planet Zorop's atmosphere is made of knives

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Only Cloddus remains behind so he can chop down the island and have it sink into the sea.

FancyShark

IT WOULD ALWAYS BE THE INSURANCE MONEY!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why couldn't the chimerians just leave

oh who cares

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The army.........what army do they even need?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they have to defend the grape harvest against their mightiest foe

weevils

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean I wouldnt say no to a free barbarian army but I'm not a member of a utopian society.

gellaho

Velo Martingale

"Fuck you, Aliens, you're not getting my semen again!" Shouted Conax

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Damn I always lose "Are you Smarter Than a Barbarian."

FancyShark

Seems like a good way to piss him off

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I mean if he has the only military and he's conax, we know what he's going to do

FancyShark

Oh good. The unlikable wine pimp gets a happy ending

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

scooped yourself

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

of course.

Brendan!™

A shame he has no actual wine to sell the aliens and must instead pay in whoresblood

Velo Martingale

What about Hoptor's sister?

gellaho

This one

gellaho

Time to sink this bitch

Velo Martingale

Mimmo's in f*cking space, pig.

FancyShark

The island sinks two feet below the waterline and everyone stands around awkwardly

gellaho

Wheeee

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh so the murdering barbarians get to go but the rest of us are shit out of luck even tho practically everyone makes wine.

Fuckin aliens.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

If he recruits Mimmo these aliens are fuuuuucked

Velo Martingale

The sinking of Zorophim is next!

gellaho

And Hoptor is forced into two loveless marriages

FancyShark

Aww. It WAS a happy ending!

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The aliens are pretty creepy, and acephobic, making everybody fuck.

Velo Martingale

THEWS!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nagging doesnt outweigh tremendously horny, Hoptor. You dick.

gellaho

The aliens are really down on humans, despite taking a whole bunch of them

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"We tolerate you guys because you benefitted us, isnt that great of us?"

gellaho

The End

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I don't even believe the aliens needed the wine anymore, I bet this is all about the human fuck zoo for them.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"The Zorophim are just watching you........and judging. BEcause you didnt happen to give them grapes."

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I have a hard time imagining an interstellar species that DOESNT want to add to its interstellar fuck zoo.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Wow! What a twist!

That the lights were downgraded to merely phantasmal rather than phantasmagorical!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ole mother hubbard made the list

Brendan!™

The aliens did a The Implication.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

CENTURY OF THE MANIKIN

gellaho

We have defeated Mention My Name in Atlantis

FancyShark

We did it!

Brendan!™

Well, we did it, accurate cover and all

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

That's not a scoop, Brendan! I say that after every read!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did that turkey headed monster show up?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gellaho and Jakes never let us down.

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

Brendan!™

Yeah, it sank Conax's boat and is also a penis.

gellaho

So conludes the 111th Edition of The Book Cage

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I actually mamaged to make it all the way through despite hiw bad my adhd gets on friday nights.

Velo Martingale

Velo Martingale

I've had this ready since the aliens

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

And it's all thanks to the excellent company.

gellaho

May your thews be ever-quivering, and you ululating be ever-powerful

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

When the wind whispers, it says "theeeeewwwws"

FancyShark

Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

byeee

Velo Martingale

Thank you @gellaho ! And thank you everyone else!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

9-Plenty Threepmore of blessings to you, Vintner

GDC's Quivering Thews

Thanks everyone!