Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
In this genre, bosoms only lists a minimum
111: Mention My Name in Atlantis John Jakes
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The Year of Pain
How Conax the Chimerical helped sink the lost continent!
Archive
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
AS long as the thews are mighty, they are alrighty.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
just one of the many failures which will surely lead to their downfall
Velo Martingale
Now do we think the king is going to be humorously old or ironically young
FancyShark
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I love a good abasement.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"tootled" not a very dramatic word
gellaho
Lotta feet stuff happening in the court
FancyShark
Old. There will be no irony
Velo Martingale
You've clearly not been tootled correctly
gellaho
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Yeah, Jakes has heard of "subverting expectations" and he is strongly against
GDC's Quivering Thews
Geriasticus isn't actually the tenth of his name, he's just a real edgelord
was really into wolverine comics in the 90s
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hey hoptor, how come its only depravity when the boys do it
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Rome doesnt even exist yet.
gellaho
Writtus
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Ngl, I relate to captain Num.
gellaho
I mean, he's called nearly everything and everyone lewd and lascivious
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Sometimes you just want to zone out while somebody plays with your hair.
GDC's Quivering Thews
i'm pretty sure he could tell the difference between this guy and and incense burner
Brendan!™
Geriasticus X was the best member of Gwar
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
In fairness, the Queen is also "depraved"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
We stan a depraved Queen.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah but he only talks about the depravity and corruption of the kingdom in reference to pythos and num getting it on
meanwhile the king is having his toes sucked by 3 topless wenches
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
He does seemed to have confused "corruption" and "gay sex"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
To be fair, unrelated to their mutual love of assplay, Pythos and Num ARE corrupt officials.
gellaho
He seems to not like that either
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I dunno, I'm suspicious
gellaho
He's also a fat cowardly pimp, so not the best judge of character
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Hold on, @LyraV, want to get corrupt?
gellaho
Ivory mouth-wear
FancyShark
Geriasticus then offers them each a Wyrthrs
Velo Martingale
Oh I get it, it's because he's old!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh I didn't even notice the king's name
gellaho
Not inflammatory circulars!
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Huh. Its funny, Geriasticus is such a hip name for a young and cool monarch, you would never have thought hes old as shit.
Hampire
That's the fucking king's name
Really
FancyShark
Inflammatory Circulars was my failed massage parlor's name
Velo Martingale
Noooo not Babylos! He was present!
gellaho
Loathsome sea-imp
Hampire
"That's what comes of too much reading" is the exact thinking that lead to this book
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also the name of my signature move in ribbon dancing. Unfortunately I was forced to retire after several deaths
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
They probably got it confused with my anarchist post punk grimecore collective.
Hoptor the Bootlicker more like it.
GDC's Quivering Thews
inflammatory circulars is just what they called zines in atlantis
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh also this 'too much reading' bit was kinda funny
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Its going to be real fun if the Conan guy does some things with his thews and bumps off the old fart king and becomes double king in his place.
gellaho
This is a weird law
Brendan!™
I am so mad at this fat pimp for screwball fleeing the redhead 20-year-old I can't get invested in his not dying.
FancyShark
Remember: Conax is going to cause Atlantis to sink
Hampire
Onan the Barbarian is the true villain of the piece
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
they can't arrest a husband and wife for the same crime!
Hampire
Why the fuck would that be a law
FancyShark
Some people take any opportunity to drop hints to their SOs
gellaho
Pox on your map-makers!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hoptor has the worst fuckin attourneys
Hampire
What jurisdiction would have the sheer mind numbing stupidity
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Laws dont make sense guys.
gellaho
I believe that is the joke, yes
That is the joke she gets, repeatedly
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I can't take Conax seriously when he says "privates"
FancyShark
Sorry, brain searching for more to chew
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
surely he'd be a "loins" guy or something
Hampire
I want to shout "Pox on your map-makers!" whenever I am told to take a laptop to the IT office
gellaho
Num is into it
Brendan!™
It's like BOGO -- you're automatically assessed the highest charge.
Hampire
Who the fuck is Num-Num and why should I care about them
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
whoa, writers get paid in atlantis?
Hampire
I refuse to call them just Num
GDC's Quivering Thews
they're not muscles, num. they're thews
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh fuck it sunk
gellaho
Puling Pavaler
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Oh Num is so sassy
Hampire
I need to find the dictionary this author used and ritually purify it with fire
FancyShark
Unflattering gay caricature
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
RUE! RUE SAY I! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!
Hampire
Oh, lovely
GDC's Quivering Thews
can't wait to rue some resucing reavers
gellaho
John Jakes loves these long court scenes. Very similar to the court case where Magus Blacklaw had to prove he was a wizard using Kodak instant cameras
Which remember, is real
Hampire
Every word you said was incomprehensible and I love it
Velo Martingale
Did you just make that up- oh no I guess you didn't
Brendan!™
On planet NikoLens, yes, we all remember.
Hampire
Oh, so Magus Blacklaw can do it but when I try to prove I'm a wizard in traffic court they get the bailiff
Brendan!™
Ah yes, you missed Jakes's earlier works, when each planet in a star system was colonized by a long-dead TwenCen corporation, and then also magic turned out to be real in space.
We made fun of the first book so hard he died while we were doing it.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh shit
Velo Martingale
Oh shit
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
It had a dude named Tingo Spellhands.
gellaho
He died a couple of days before. I will not be responsible for the death of such a wonderful man
Brendan!™
The rest of the group asserts it wasn't a magical spell, but that's the kind of ridiculously pragmatic denial of basic spiritual reality you get from the denizens of Amazoterra (formerly Earth)
Hampire
Amazoterra
gellaho
Look at him
Hampire
I have never felt more hatred for a name
FancyShark
He does look like a sweet guy
gellaho
Anyway, Conax starts throwing everyone
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Brief aside:
Many years ago NP worked at a used bookstore. One day she was on a ladder sorting books on a high shelf. She was getting frustrated with some lousy fantasy novel author who had a lot of books there and reached for the next one when she slipped, fell over backwards, and cracked her head off a door.
I only just learned, minutes ago, that it was Jakes.
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I was genuinely hoping we'd get to some of Jake's classic barbarian nonsense instead of space barbarian nonsense. So far, its great.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
amazoterra!
Brendan!™
He looks like a happy man who did what he loved, which is providing assholes like us with a good time.
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
So thanks for killing him, i guess?
Brendan!™
It's pronounced just like Thews.
Hampire
He does seem like a nice guy. However I will forever curse him for Amazoterra
Brendan!™
This happened to me in August with The Bastard! Which was on my parents' bookshelf for DECADES.
gellaho
What are the calamities of next week?
Hampire
For a second I read that as "catamites of next week" and was extremely concerned
gellaho
Conax goes a stranglin'
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
He gave us Tingo Spellhands and Magus Blacklaw, better dnd names than any of us could come up with, even if we spent our whole lives trying. We can forgive amazoterra.
Hampire
Fine, I will give him one Amazoterra in exchange for Magus Blacklaw
FancyShark
He also gave us the greatest sentence ever written
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Plus it was pretty amazo.
Brendan!™
Um, it's pronounced AM-uh-zo (Thews)
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I don't care what any of you say, I love Amazoterra
gellaho
Swinnia the warthog
GDC's Quivering Thews
he invented the Tall Man unit of measurement
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I dunno, some people do their best thinking under pressure, and by pressure I mean being strangled. Keep choking the slave owning pimp, Conax.
Hampire
I mean there is a certain stupid charm to it
Brendan!™
Hapthor is into it
Hampire
Oh god I'm getting on board the "Amazoterra is good" train
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Swinnia?
gellaho
And Maximilian Dragonard, Jeremy Lynx. The list is endless
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Damn.
Hampire
I'm sorry her name is Swinnia
Velo Martingale
Praise Jakes
Hampire
Is she a pig woman
Brendan!™
Tingo was a bit player in his own life
FancyShark
She's probably overweight
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
I FORGOT ABOUT DRAGONARD
I must face penance
Velo Martingale
How do you forget Dragonard?!
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Berserker space cop, Dragonard!
Hampire
I'm both disappointed and offended. I wanted a literal pig woman
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it grows on you
gellaho
I think Hoptor's about to pimp out Conax
Hampire
If she has neither tusks nor snout you can't name a character Swinnia
Velo Martingale
Solid plan
As solid as his thews
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I mean, being railed by a barbarian seems like a fair trade.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"she was a plain woman, possessing neither tusk nor snout."
gellaho
Disporting
FancyShark
Haunch
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
bosoooooooooooooom
Velo Martingale
Jakes is a haunch guy
Hampire
Why does he describe them like they're walking hams
gellaho
FancyShark
PEOPLE ARE MEAT
It's fun!
Velo Martingale
Because he's fat, catch up
Hampire
So wait when did the eunuchs come into play?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
people are meat unless they're rich
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Or gay. Then they're just evil.
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Ham is the most fuckable cut of meat.
Velo Martingale
This is brisket erasure
gellaho
Hot
Hampire
I would personally make an argument for a whole turkey, but fucktato, fucktahto
FancyShark
I'm sorry, but I can't picture an obese horror as anything except Steven Seagal
Hampire
Yeah I'm just seeing Steven Seagal in a Disney princess costume
Velo Martingale
Okay I think we can all agree Swinnia is Steven Seagal
Hampire
It's not a pleasant image
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
seconded
motion passed
Brendan!™
How much to make love to the queen's ear? Come now, everyone has a price.
gellaho
I skip stuff, but if you insist on hearing about the giant eunuchs
Velo Martingale
We're all agreed. Someone revive Jakes so he can fix this
FancyShark
"Just the ear, though. I'm not a freak."
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
WHY DO THE EUNUCHS MAKE YOU UNEASY, MENOS?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
how do you know they're eunuchs if they have loincloths?
Hampire
He dislikes men who don't have raging hogs and bowling balls between their legs
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
He's seen too many wuxia movies and is convinced eunuchs have sorcerous powers and use mind control bugs.
FancyShark
Nametags
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
They're really small loincloths
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
both excellent answers
gellaho
Hoptor would rather have the eunuchs
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Also they never stop cracking eunuch jokes, like Varys in GoT
Velo Martingale
The eunuchs are also Steven Seagal
Hampire
I love that saying you're gay is treated as the most heinous thing you can do
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
nah the eunuchs are both jason momoa
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
It's a sign of absolute evil.
gellaho
I'm not sure what female fig means, but sure
Velo Martingale
I will meet you half way and say Michael Cera
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Or it could just be coincidence in my case
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
When it said they had mustaches i immediately imagined both eunuchs were the Iron Sheik.
Hampire
Oh no I know. I murder five children and burn down a hospital before noon each and every weekday.
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Haaaaaaaaaail Moloch!
Velo Martingale
hi moloch
gellaho
Definitely pimping out Conax then
Brendan!™
Moloch, what timing! We were just talking about burning children!
Velo Martingale
Anyone who isn't reading Voluptua in a Miss Piggy voice go ahead and adjust your head canon
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Haptor is a wuss, he should have done the thing himself and fucked his way to freedom.
Tread the path of the hero, Haptor. Fuck like your life depends on it.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
her nightdress somehow revealed more than everything
Hampire
How horny was the author when he wrote this? Cause I'm picturing him poking through his desk
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you can see other naked women in its diaphanous frame
Velo Martingale
xray nightdress
gellaho
Executions are so quirky
gellaho
Manic pixie dream executioner
Brendan!™
I admit that this added nothing to Rachel's joke.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that's the first wine in awhile
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Fun fact about figs: they're one of the rare kinds of plants that has the two sexes female and hermaphroditic. So female figs are a thing for now but they might be evolving away.
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Your participation is a pleasure.
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Hornt up queens have different enough lives, i cant judge her for thinking execution is quirky.
Brendan!™
Listen there are only TWO genders
Hampire
Non-binary fig representation
Brendan!™
Female fig and Hermaphrodite fig
gellaho
Immense thews
Velo Martingale
Executions can be pretty fun if you do it right
Brendan!™
that's in the bible. That's why Jesus cursed the fig tree.
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Yup, fucking done
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Figs are the ones with wasps, right?
Hampire
Please stop using the word thews
Brendan!™
It wasn't fruiting enough for Him, praise be.
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
TELL HER ABOUT HIS HOG!
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Thank you, we do have unique difficulties.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think I've hit the point of diminishing returns on the thews
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
His magical golden hog.
Brendan!™
This book gets my types.
Hampire
Look, if you describe a woman like that you have to describe a man's fully erect hog poking through his loincloth like a nail through drywall
gellaho
Such fat hopes
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
You can eat his magical hog and it will be just fine in the morning.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I liked your image earlier of the author poking through his desk
I think that's accurate
Hampire
Thank you
I was very proud of it
gellaho
You seem to be ignoring all the thews talk
Hampire
But are we seeing hog talk? I thought not
FancyShark
Thews are to Jakes what lats are to Hawke
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
None fatter.
Hampire
I do concede your point, however
Just please for the love of god stop using thews
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
never
gellaho
And what a sport it is
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
NEVER! ONE MILLION YEARS OF THEWS!
gellaho
Bumptious
Velo Martingale
Theeeeeews
Hampire
My hell is just people screaming thews into my ear for all eternity
FancyShark
This might just be a joke for me
Velo Martingale
Welcome to hell, bitch
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Was that...........Conax saying he likes country girls? or......
Velo Martingale
Thews!
Hampire
What is bumptious
Is that a character at this point
Velo Martingale
Pretty sure it's the or.
Hampire
I don't understand anything anymore
FancyShark
Based on context, I'm assuming "bangable"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Nice job Jakes, I dont think ive heard "bumptious" before.
Hampire
Thank you
gellaho
At least he's not trying caterpie you
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I got nothing for bumptious
Velo Martingale
anyways i've just recast Conax as Kermit. This is a muppet barbarians now
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Yeahhhhhhhhh eat the pussy Haptor.
Hampire
Goddamnit now I want to see Kermit the Barbarian
gellaho
Hampire
And I know I never will
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
huh.
Hampire
So wait, he's saying he likes dickhead women?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Conax likes em annoying
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Oh my god, to Jakes' credit, I just learned that figs - not the species, but the fruit - come in two forms: inedible and female.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
makes it easier to leave I guess?
FancyShark
Conax like an ego
Brendan!™
They're bumptious because they're buxom, like as not.
Conax wants 'em hot and knowing it.
gellaho
Scandalous arm dimples
Hampire
I guess that makes sense
FancyShark
Can respect that