111: Mention My Name in Atlantis John Jakes

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Hey I'm not complaining, people who ask me out are always into bumptious women. For some reason.

Hampire

Yeah, I like some confidence

I do feel like this man should've been disallowed from ever looking at a dictionary while writing

gellaho

Thewwwwwwws

gellaho

Absolutely not

It's one of his many strengths

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jakes is an artist with the written word.

Velo Martingale

THEWS

gellaho

I'd have no idea what a promontory was if he didn't say it 800 times

Hampire

Maybe, but what if he was forced to come up with words on his own? What wonders would we see then?

gellaho

Switching her hips?

Hampire

It's probably a sign of how tired I am that I thought that said "jeweled diaper"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I just remembered thre were flying saucers in this. I kinda thought that would be the end of the prison sequence, you know?

gellaho

Oh, he's got plenty of that. Don't even worry about it

Hampire

Dear god

He has the powers of both

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we're really getting lost in the weeds with this sexual transaction

Hampire

Well, had

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck! That! Queen!

Hampire

New game show idea

Although I don't know how well it would work currently

gellaho

They're still around

Hampire

How fuckable are royal bones?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

are hoptor and conax doing a "repeat exactly what I say" bit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Theres plenty of non English queens going unfucked, the queen of Jordan is even fairly attractive in a gmilf kind of way.

gellaho

Space egg

Velo Martingale

Spegg

Hampire

I forget how widespread monarchy is

Have we reached flying saucers

Is that where this has gone

Velo Martingale

Oh we're going full war of the worlds

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok well at least something else is happening

gellaho

The soldiers decide to kill themselves when the egg opens, for reasons

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I was thinking about switching my hips, but I went for the face surgery instead.

FancyShark

Attempt, but fail

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they're failing to jump off the wall? or the fall isn't killing them

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

They thought it was a bio-energy egg

FancyShark

I'm not sure how you miss when trying to fall on your own sword

gellaho

The Blue Man Group!

Hampire

This feels like when I was little and pretended to smother myself for attention

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Might as well kill yourself and start the game over

FancyShark

Dabadeedabadah

Brendan!™

Thews are the new lips.

Hampire

Quickly, bring in the ancestor spirits from the Hawaiian Sweet Roll movie

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Queenie V gonna get herself an alien gangbang going?

Hampire

Wouldn't you?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Blue? Maybe it is Thrawn.

gellaho

And just like the Blue Man Group, they have telekinesis

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Absolutely would.

Hampire

Not one person on Earth is more fuckable than Thrawn

Not one

Brendan!™

But Thrawn isn't on earth.

gellaho

Ululating

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

OG Book Thrawn doesn't appreciate street art. Total turn-off.

Brendan!™

So technically everyone on earth is a more fuckable person on earth

Velo Martingale

Ululating thews?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

love me an ululating howl

Brendan!™

Grewnd Ewdmiral Thewn.

He's Canadian.

gellaho

Sleeenderrrr

FancyShark

You haven't heard of him

Brendan!™

I have the hottest military strategist, he's um...he's in another galaxy

Velo Martingale

They're the slendermen?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

(Actually with him analyzing Sabine in Rebels, I was disappointed by the waste of potential in just changing that aspect of his character. Why not do a villain arc where he learns how to see the art in graffiti as he begins to outmaneuver her?)

Brendan!™

Guys, my unbeatable admiral really is real and he's coming back

gellaho

The Ululating is going great

Brendan!™

Conax the Cuck

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

It must be said of Conax that he was impulsively violent and rock stupid

Brendan!™

wait wrong reply

Velo Martingale

Oh Conax is dead

That's it he died

Bye Kermit

Brendan!™

Conax the disappointing ED fightbitch

Hampire

I feel like the book should've started with him dying by getting into a drunken bar brawl and getting stabbed in the kidney

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

What, no phasers? Just Judo? These aliens suck.

Velo Martingale

What can we say of our dearly departed friend and lover, Conax, aside from 'thews'

Brendan!™

Though terrible in a fight and impotent in the bedroom, Conax was at least aviolent spendthrift

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

We don't know he didn't! They can only squeeze so much into half an hour for children

Brendan!™

Well he saw none of her graffiti

gellaho

And then they decide to leave

Brendan!™

She's a Mandalorian Jedi tech genius AND a kickass artist AND a rebellious biker

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Her armor customization is an extension of her street art tho, check the style

Brendan!™

I think we can all predict her next move.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"ok, bye"

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"Rendered fats as hair dressing" is a singularly revolting sentence

Hampire

So wait Conax is alive? Boo

gellaho

Yes, clearly the pillows helped

Hampire

I want actual-dead barbarians, not just brain-dead

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if you're holding up your cloak, you ain't dashing buddy, you're mincing

Velo Martingale

Look, he's trying his best

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Conax isn't dying, at least not until he brings about the doom of atlantis

gellaho

Hampire

Then will he die?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

perhaps, if fate allows it

Brendan!™

Why, oh why, did we make pillows out of corn starch and napalm

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

VIRTUALLY

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Being jerked off virtually is the wave of the future, only old people jerk each other off analog.

Hampire

I mean you could probably do it with some VR goggles and the right equipment

gellaho

Did they leave Aphrodisia behind in their escape? Absolutely

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Hey when a generation grows up on video games, you need some safety gear when doing hand stuff

Velo Martingale

Fuck it!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did she ever get any clothes? doubtful

Velo Martingale

Aphrodisia's got legs she can handle her own escape

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Shes fine, shes hot.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

It's true, she's guaranteed to show up later, safely in peril

gellaho

Not Mimmo!

FancyShark

And Swinnia is too much of a trope to die yet

Brendan!™

THEWS

Velo Martingale

THEWS

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Those soldiers better watch out, little Mimmo will stab a motherfucker.

gellaho

What's that about thews?

Hampire

You don't fuck with someone unironically called Mimmo

Velo Martingale

THEWS

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I missed a little bit, is Num still alive? I'm hoping for more evil gay rep

gellaho

And they steal a fishing boat

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's probably in a chamber doing gay things like lounging, eating grapes, and oiling his thews.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I have done two of those things today.

Velo Martingale

And oiling others' thews, Num has a lot going on

FancyShark

Grapes should be in season soon

Velo Martingale

Num gets his own spinoff, The Secret of Num

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ive been getting just absolutely massive grapes lately, they are deffo in season.

gellaho

The aliens return

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

These aliens are being a real fuckin nuisance.

FancyShark

Feels like the aliens are Jakes getting bored with the premise

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They need to get their fuckin dicks out or go away.

Velo Martingale

Damn it aliens

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

probe. probe. Probe! Probe!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The people love a good probing.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Probe! Those! Thews!

gellaho

The magic bell, capable of manipulating people many tall men lengths

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

thews and phantasmgaorical in one paragraph

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

PHANTASMAGORICAL!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Enough phantasmagoricality!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

jakes has outdone himself

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

This is excessive.

Velo Martingale

No Rachel, this is opulent

gellaho

Captured them a Conax

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

give a nickname to the captured Conax?

Velo Martingale

I suddenly love our main character whos name I have forgot

gellaho

And a Vintner!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Word overuse us dangerous. Why soon, phantasmagorical might begin to sound silly.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Codix" was sent to Box 1!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Barbarians are so hard to fit into the Pokeballs but they make a great addtion to most team comps.

Velo Martingale

Probe! That! Vinter!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Pimps are rarely worth it tho, you need to get just the right stats.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Next Chapter: Probing, Part 1/9

gellaho

Befuddled by bean bag chairs

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

excellent type coverage

Brendan!™

Hey guys, isn't it funny how often Howard uses the word thews? Watch me do it even more, ha ha ha

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair, Jakes, Conan would have talked to the aliens, and probably fucked one of their women by now.

gellaho

Eleventy-six frambs

FancyShark

Beanfuddled

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Threepmores.

Velo Martingale

Nine plenty threepmores!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Im Gorbrudge Threepmore and I want to be a barbarian."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

call me crazy but I reckon the space traveling aliens would have heard of water

Velo Martingale

Yes but they wouldn't have our earthword for it, you fool!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

My old Equinox can only get up to 2.5 plenty threepmores before she start to rattle

FancyShark

This only gets problematic when Jakes reveals these spacemen are just Italians

gellaho

Reterrified

Brendan!™

It's amazing how little actually occurs in this book.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"It'sa mee! Your buddy Guido Threepmore!"

Velo Martingale

So much has happened!

gellaho

Those blueskinned Sicilian freaks

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Yeah there's uh.. a pimp who has a ho stolen and than conan and then aliens. That's pretty much it so far.

Brendan!™

Like if you asked me, I'd say it's mostly proper nouns and basically a long walk from the dock to this fight scene now.

Suddenly aliens

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

very optimistic of you to assume this will be a fight scene

FancyShark

It's mostly been setup for something to happen, then the aliens show up and stop the thing from happening

gellaho

The aliens have been around quite a bit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Man i hope when we finally get to talk to aliens the first person to do it isnt a fat pimp.

Velo Martingale

We've had prophecies of doom, a prostitution bust, a slave auction, an arrest, a court scene, the sighting of UFOs, attemtpting to bribe the queen with some barbarian boning, the appearance of the aliens, a slapstick escape from the royal palace

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

When the moon hits your eye like 9 plenty pie, that's threepmor-ay

gellaho

I can definitely tell you guys weren't paying attention to the prologue

FancyShark

Oh right, the court scene

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I defnitely forgot about the hundred million miles

Velo Martingale

The red light district has been raided, the return of the aliens

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Unless they're there to engage the services of a sex worker, then thats fine tho they should seek to patronize those that are independant or unionized.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think I was too busy making virgin jokes

gellaho

A trillion-plenty fronks

Velo Martingale

Am I the only one retaining the complex plot here?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I always try but end up missing something incredibly important

like when I play chess

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Calling your bluff, tell me one thing that's happening right now

Velo Martingale

Well you're all going to be shocked when you find out about Vitner's long lost sister, which has been forshadowed through this whole thing

Brendan!™

All true and yet every snapshot I look at, all I see is Volthoom the Destroyer tosses his curls at Queen Bustia.

gellaho

Chiefly bosoms

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Swinnia the whole time.

Brendan!™

The way God intended!

Velo Martingale

Friendly aliens are discussing units of measurement

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ahh, fronk off

Cis people would totally meet aliens and immediatelg start trying to tell which ones are boys

Velo Martingale

It's not Jake's fault your mind has been spoiled by coherent storylines

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Theres no reason to worry about sexual dimorphism in aliens, Hopter. Whatever you're not into, it doesnt count as that when its not from your planet.

gellaho

Mrf Qqt

Velo Martingale

my alien name would be erafhuivnjCD :SKMl

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Probing seems more imminent than ever.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Mrf Qqt is the name of a bar with $24 cocktails

gellaho

FancyShark

Mrf Qqt is the sound you make when you have something caught in your throat

Brendan!™

Oh no, they're Fuck Aliens.

Velo Martingale

hey Conax shut the fuck up

Brendan!™

An alien ovopositor

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

seems inevitable

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ironically, the least sexy kind

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Actually, nevermind

Brendan!™

The ovopositor was meant to be a reply.

Velo Martingale

Kelly is a better barbarian than Conax

Brendan!™

I hate that I know how to spell ovopositor but have to triple check consensus.

Velo Martingale

If it's any comfort, it's ovipositor

Brendan!™

GODDAMIT

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I had a feeling he was wrong but couldn't be bothered looking it up

Brendan!™

Before we send these blue-skinned freaks packing, what do their thews look like?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

slender, blue, undefined

gellaho

Ah, yes, the crystalline envelope

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

If it's any consolation I'm certifiably brilliant and I can never remember how to spell recommend

gellaho

All this talk of balls

Velo Martingale

The Zorophim are incredibly patient

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

this is starting to get unrealistic, you can't educate a flat earther

gellaho

If Mac and Me is anything to go on, the Sacred Fuel is Coca-Cola

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh no its cum

it's cum isn't it

FancyShark

The sacred fuel is blood

Or semen

Velo Martingale

the sacred fuel is thews

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Oh it's cum.

FancyShark

Yeah, blood or semen. Either one is likely.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ohhhh here we go, one minute you are talking to aliens, the next they're telling you they discovered Epiphyte, the next your dick is atomize and you're lamenting you have a stupid balloon son.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

best case scenario, it's wine

Velo Martingale

Why not both?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but I'm not hopeful

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The aliens need gallons and gallons of human cum. Obviously. I mean, have you never read a manga?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Or just straight up diesel.

gellaho

My ubflabs need some whamps

FancyShark

Whamb bamb thank you Zorop

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Yoooo gurl, i saw your ubflabs from a threepmore away!"

Brendan!™

These people are explaining interstellar travel to a pimp from the dawn of time so deep his occupation isn't even reprehensible.

gellaho

At this point, probably

What with it being purple

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol

FancyShark

Still could be semen

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ugh im so sick of this bullshit "climate change" story these liberal aliens keep pushing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They need to keep harvesting cum or the cummunists win!

gellaho

Behoove the savants

FancyShark

Smash cut to a Matrix-style hive of humans being drained of wine by thousands of nightmare needles

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Maybe if you explained what the stuff is? I mean just as a basic kind of thing, if you show someone a vat of something it doesnt really explain where it comes from.

gellaho

Apparently all Atlanteans are weak enough to be strangled by children

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Ughhhhh it's going to be wine but they're going to wait the whole book to reveal it

FancyShark

It's why Keebler allows factory tours

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Mimmo is a fucking beast.

gellaho

Velo Martingale

They have no choice but to torture Mimmo for fuel

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean if you get enough children and they have ropes, yeah i could see that being a problem.

gellaho

Rheumus

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

He needs a sequel starring him, a movie adaptation, a comic book of the movie, a toned down cartoon series, a breakfast cereal..

Brendan!™

mimmo is going to join our pantheon

We'll make a superteam out of him, Rex, and whoever waits to be discovered.

FancyShark

Mimmo is Atlantean for Moran

Velo Martingale

Mimmo of course played by the muppet Robin the Frog

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

found mimmo

gellaho

In what will be called The Intercourse Memorandum

Velo Martingale

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

No, mimmo rules. Mimmo will be played by Tim Curry. The character will still be seven.

gellaho

Conax the page

Brendan!™

I learned this week that Tim Curry is alive.

gellaho

Thews