Velo
AHAHAHAHAHA
116: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #85: Winner Take All Franklin W. Dixon
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When crime is on the rise, danger is sure to come down.
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P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"At worst you will hasten Emily's demise"
FancyShark
Thick With Anguish was a pretty good Prince album
Velo
"Yeah you should probably call the cops about this." - Sam Spade
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Emily was worth 50,000, but 150,000?"
GDC's Quivering Thews
I thought that Fenton did wetwork for the CIA
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Sorry Martin we prefer to stumble into mysteries. This is more just a crime."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"No little sister is worth more than 100k"
gellaho
Time for some classic Hardy Boys random vehicular homicide
FancyShark
"WRONG LANE, ASSHOLE"
Brendan!™
I don't need the FBI! They're a mallet and I need a scalpel! Dammit, I need the HARDY BOYS to retrieve my kidnapped teen sis!
Velo
OH NO! AND IT'S DRIVING TOWARDS BEN!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh I love this scene, the Hardys use their laser to cut through the street and escape into the sewers
Velo
if ben gets run over off screen i will buy and frame this book
Brendan!™
Ben failed to deliver the ransom in 30 minutes or less and emily paid the price.
gellaho
A classic mistake
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"30 minutes or you keep my sister" is peak dystopia, love it
Velo
This is the most realistic thing that has ever happened in one of these books
FancyShark
Multi-car pileup on the 405 today as the Hardys are working on something stupid again
gellaho
"Clearly we had nothing to do with this, we'll just observe"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
laugh track
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
an idiot kid panicked behind the wheel and forgot about the oncoming lane, but now they're gonna pretend it was an assassination attempt to make themselves feel better
Velo
Oh I didn't see the word parka. I read "a short woman in a ski mask"
Brendan!™
This is the AI the Libertarians want!
Velo
I had a friend who rolled their car and insisted it was Toyota's fault
Brendan!™
Same. I love the idea of these two idiots being so criminal-prone even their traffic accidents are just some other caper t-boning them.
gellaho
What a bizarre way to phrase that, Joe
Brendan!™
Joe's gonna UM ACTUALLY this entire book.
Velo
God damn it
Someone assassinate Joe
He has the most shootable head
FancyShark
Bullets can't pierce it
gellaho
That's what happens when they break down, they all go green. It's the safest option
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Or break up, I guess
FancyShark
:RenegadeSteele:
GDC's Quivering Thews
They even have battery backups so they can turn all the lights green to prevent traffic jams
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
This looks like the work of... OOPS
gellaho
Truly 1994 was a golden age of innovation
Velo
This is believable for the 80s
Oh
Brendan!™
Does Con also have an evil twin?
Velo
hem
HACK THE PLANET
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"I wonder if that traffic light switching device has anything to do with the traffic lights switching", mused officer riley. "Eh, probably nothing."
gellaho
Jesus Christ, these acronyms
Brendan!™
Cop Brockweigh, approachable criminal
GDC's Quivering Thews
The acronym thing is getting a little tired, ghostwriter
Velo
The author's finding fun wherever they can at this point
FrumpyBadger
One sympathizes
Velo
This typewriter is rusted from all the tears
Brendan!™
Lord, please give us the Mr. Robot/Hardy Boys crossover the people need.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
EEL! Thos dastardly slippery villains are at it again!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Silly kids, villains use 5-letter acronyms*
GDC's Quivering Thews
Those emergency light controls are a real thing, but they don't make both directions green, obviously
FancyShark
Ohhh, I get it. Because electric eel. Because eels are good with electronics.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and no one knows how evil multiplies!
GDC's Quivering Thews
All their devices are eel-powered
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
there's some sort of mystery about the reproductive habits of electric eels
I can't remember the details now but trust me that joke worked
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
With slide rules!
gellaho
What a great conversation
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ok the guy named Montgomery is suspect number one
FrumpyBadger
Heroes keep meticulous notes on the ages of the women around them.
FancyShark
I am on the edge of my seat
gellaho
What are these hu-man em-o-tions?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Ed Montgomery probably owns a lot of sassy scarves
Velo
I will not have family names dispairaged like this
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wait a second, Joe had to count on his fingers to do 20 plus 5?
GDC's Quivering Thews
The Secretly Incredibly Fascinating epsode about eels talks about that.
Velo
Frank
No.
Do not, Frank.
gellaho
Hold on there, buckaroo
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah take that "We can't do nothing" energy and direct it into your FBI-dialing-finger Frank
FrumpyBadger
Wonder what breed Harsh Chuckles is.
FancyShark
Pomeranian
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so which friend is this
Velo
Probably Ben again, emerging from the shadows
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Hank Muckley, beloved bus driver who just won America's Got Talent for his yodeling
gellaho
Hoodlums love stealing newspapers
Velo
Classic Hank
FancyShark
We're going to find out he has ten different personalities. And they'll call him...Ben With Ten Personalities
FrumpyBadger
Hahah is this lady a Yoda?
Velo
God damn it Joe
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Ben has many Tulpas, all named Ben
Velo
Don't we all
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
And 1 named Emily
Velo
Well that's weird
"Give me back my newspaper!" she cried, cocking her gun
FancyShark
This is going to be the longest and hottest relationship Joe will ever have
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Come on old lady, hand Joe his ass
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah her head at joe's belt makes her 3 feet tall, right?
gellaho
"I watch Emily all the time, I feed on her youth"
FancyShark
"I keep detailed notes on her schedule. I have a bag of her hair."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hey yeah Hardys, remember how I pointed out that the kidnappers delivered the ransom note by hand to Ben's house? Maybe a competent investigator would have thought to ask the neighbours if they saw anything
maybe the f-b-fuckin-i should handle this one
Velo
"Did you hear her brother won the lottery? Oh, if only I had her trussed up in a trunk in my basement, imagine all the money I could get to buy newspapers!"
FancyShark
"...pizza?"
gellaho
"And I mean anything"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
WE HAVE A CLUE- but maybe not
Velo
The first step of being a detective is to find a clue and loudly declare "NOPE THIS IS PROBABLY NOTHING"
Keeps the perps guessing
gellaho
Great, now Joe thinks second base is calling 4-1-1
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"yeah she parked her car here at 6pm, 4 guys in ski masks got out of the car and she didn't. Anyway"
Velo
... Is it not?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Trunk reeks like that time old man Bob died in his aparrtment"
Velo
Also, and this may be a clue, but flash paper doesn't burn itself
GDC's Quivering Thews
Anthony Soluri should have been your first suspect if stage magicians were involved
Velo
that would be insane
You have to set it on fire yourself
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it was actually a special type of paper that hates being observed
it killed itself because Ben looked at it
gellaho
OOPS rents only in the fanciest office buildings
Brendan!™
Why doesn't Ben just ask the psychics to find his sister instead of teen interlopers?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Ben's scamming the IRS? And using the Hardy Boys to cover it up?
Velo
I have a picture of Anthony somewhere
gellaho
Is it?
Velo
Here he is. Anthony Soluri
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
FancyShark
"And everything in between"
"Like what?"
"Everything"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Wi-Fi = telekinesis
Velo
That checks out
gellaho
I like Anthony's big owies degree
Velo
That Zak Bagans joke is just going to keep paying off
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
It's like the Hardy Boys for made up nonsense
GDC's Quivering Thews
You can just put random strings of letters after your name and people won't question it
gellaho
Flawless plan
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
SHE'S RIGHT
FancyShark
Hi, @Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island !
LyraV
It worked I summoned you!!! Best birthday present ever.
gellaho
Dude's got all the hair colors
LyraV
Also hot receptionist action!
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Girl, summon me any time
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh my God, bread came out of the toaster. Joe reversed the toasting process
FancyShark
Joe is immediately strapped into a chair and shocked repeatedly to bring out his full potential
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
suddenly the rest of the book is Akira
Velo
I wonder what Ben's doing
I miss him
gellaho
GIVE ME YOUR POWER OVER DEATH, JOE HARDY
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wearily screening 4000 phone calls
"you're a fan and you want my autograph!"
calling it now
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"You're one of those Lardy Boys!"
FancyShark
Soluri gazes into Joe's aura and sees the unkillable demon that protects him. Soluri ignites, screaming a word not meant for a human tongue.
"Gee whiz!" says Joe.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"You're called the Hardly Men! My psychic powers never fail!"
gellaho
Who would have guessed Joe would immediately fall prey to hypnosis? Other than everyone
Velo
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
lol it's actually working
Velo
Joe that's-
That's not how-
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Joe is the most susceptible dweeb
GDC's Quivering Thews
He didn't even have to swing a pocketwatch in front of Joe
Velo
You know what Joe, you just go for it
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"DON'T GIVE JOE MIND POWERS"
gellaho
Wait, no, Anthony cannot overcome Joe's dozens of brain cells
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so psychic powers are real in this story?
Velo
Only against Joe
gellaho
Yeah, you really got him, Columbo
FancyShark
One does not gaze into the Joe without the Joe gazing back
Honestly, a Hardy Boys/Columbo story would rule
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
Velo
It would
gellaho
I was worried, the Boys hadn't had any snacks yet
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
🐔
gellaho
It could've gotten dangerous
Velo
Can't believe Ben didn't give them any pizza
He must have a lot on his mind
GDC's Quivering Thews
Thanks to all the explosions Joe has a memory like the guy from Momento
gellaho
Yes, that's how you write addresses
FancyShark
It's a natural defense mechanism now. Any psychic that looks in his brain just has countless explosions reflected at them
GDC's Quivering Thews
All his dead girlfriends taunt you
Brendan!™
Swell has entered the plot!
Velo
George! Ben's cousin! Maybe Ben will be there, or we'll get some stories about Ben
gellaho
Is this the opening song for George's sitcom?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Should have never moved in next to Rosanne
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
unlike George, they toiled with a quiet dignity, accepting their fate as being one of the poors
Velo
Amy Taler worked to put him back on the streets this time in a suit and tie as a private detective
GDC's Quivering Thews
Insurance scams are hard
Brendan!™
Except George who defrauded everyone.
Velo
This is a good point
gellaho
You can't just say "a cross between a bowling pin and a potato" and expect me to know what that means
Velo
Round but lumpy
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what is he a fucking Muppet
FancyShark
Fred "Call Me Hammer" Hammett
Velo
Dash
Dash Hammett
Get it?
Do you get it
It will not stop until you get it
I thought it was a cowincidence we had a Marlowe in the last chapter but Nope
gellaho
Yes, Frank, I'm sure he'd let you in while he had someone tied up in his house
Velo
Frank your fake name is the name of one of the most famous detective writers in history
Brendan!™
Reporters asking gotcha questions like "Are you still holding Emily hostage?"
Velo
You cannot do that
gellaho
"Likely story!"
Brendan!™
Be reporters or brothers but not brother reporters.
GDC's Quivering Thews
This ghostwriter is so fucking catty with these descriptions
FancyShark
Got it. So don't be brothers, but hold hands.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Yes, but not the Emily you're looking for"
gellaho
I bet this is the guy with all the lasers
FancyShark
And that's why he's named Swell
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Shoulda never stocked them Cesium ovens"
Velo
"We're writing an expose on how much you suck. Hi, I'm Dashiell Hammet."
Brendan!™
I should switch to these excuses for why I've been unemployable since 2019.
Radiation did it.
Bitten by a radioactive hobo.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
HOBOMAN
gellaho
Aunt Gertrude, who always lives here except for the many times she hasn't
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
WATCH ME PEE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTANTION
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so I tried to get bing to generate an image of george swell based on that description
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
low effort, bing
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
No it's perfect
GDC's Quivering Thews
Oh no, its emily's ear, isn' it?
Ozzie
This is why they outlawed microwaves
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Okay catch me up. What's the story? Where's the smoking redhead?
gellaho
It's from Ben, or is it?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Nothing's happened yet
Velo
I got this
gellaho
And so Joe explodes for the 85th time
Brendan!™
YOU GOT FLASHED
Wait sorry, the reply was supposed to be "What I'm asking."
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
At this point he's developed an acquired immunity to explosion
Velo
The Hardy Boys' best friend Ben, you remember Ben, won the lottery! And everything is hunky dory- EXCEPT NO! NOTHING IS HUNKY DORY AT ALL! Ben's hot sister has been kidnapped!
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe doesn't even blink at flashbangs anymore.
Velo
Also Ben's been using his lottery money to fund ghost hunters
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The retina burn makes him feel alive
gellaho
Because Joe is an immortal who cannot be killed by the tools of man, he survives the concussive blast of fire that hurls him into the wall
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Oh no! I hope Ben the friend we've known all along isn't the villain secretly
Velo
Ben would never
Ozzie
He specifically asked if they should handle it carefully and then did the exact opposite.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Auntie cushioned his landing
FancyShark
Joe doesn't even notice explosions anymore. He just thinks gravity is weird sometimes
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah so Joe definitely heard his brother asking the question "does this package need to be handled carefully" and then opened it without waiting for the answer
GDC's Quivering Thews
It was a ream of flash paper, that all went off at once
gellaho
The ghostwriter immediately forgets about Joe getting flung into the wall
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Have to account for his 1 hour reaction time
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I mean it had SOME punch, Frank. Look at the Joe-shaped dent in the wall
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"But there are so many"
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
This ghostwritet studied cliffhangers under the writer commando cody
GDC's Quivering Thews
"eeeEEEEeeeEEEEEEeee", replied Frank
Velo
Oh also Frank used a fake name and the fake name he chose was famous author Dashiell Hammett
gellaho
You guys are great detectives. Not forgetting information you were just given today
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
TIME TO BRAIN
Velo
It's the electric light orchestra!
GDC's Quivering Thews
Wait, they both have Memento Brain?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
somehow it seems familiar
I think this pen is telling you something, Frank. It's telling you to call the FBI and let them handle this
gellaho
Just five books ago, Phil helped them by doing chemical tests on poisoned, hallucinogenic candles
FancyShark
Different reasons. For Joe, it's the explosions. For Frank, it's the need for a patch.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
y'know none of you told me where the smoking redhead is yet
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I don't think we've had one
FancyShark
Hasn't been one yet
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the Hardys are weirdly asexual so far
GDC's Quivering Thews
"It reminds me of that time we <OUT OF MEMORY ERROR>"
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
How dare you all forget @LyraV
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
both their girlfriends are out of town
gellaho
See http://hardyboysthemovie.com/
FancyShark
Never!
Velo
That was only five books ago?!
These boys need therapy
Brendan!™
Probably emily. Her description didn't specify hair color.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
No need for therapy when you lack the ability to make long-term memories
Brendan!™
Lyra's very rad, we try not to sexualize her.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
It was the 80's, right? The AIDS epidemic really put a damper on things
gellaho
1994
Velo
Yeah we leave that for Rachel
FancyShark
The 90s part of the 80s
gellaho
Pro-tip: Avoid the word "bruised" in your store name
FancyShark
Every book has horrid discolorations
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"I changed my first name to Belmo!" he replied, eyes blinking at different rates
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Bookstore AND Gym
FancyShark
DON'T FUCKING PLAY GAMES WITH ME, PUPPET!
Brendan!™
Pictured:
gellaho
I don't like this bit the ghostwriter gave Frank
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Welcome to Belmo Bernbocker's Bruised Books Bemporium!" he cried, spit flying from his mouth
Velo
You just keep the 90s around in case you need it?
Brendan!™
I snapped a pic at the paint store this week.