P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Both unblinking, but somehow still at different rates
116: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #85: Winner Take All Franklin W. Dixon
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When crime is on the rise, danger is sure to come down.
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Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
I will never relent, you'll have to cancel me
Velo
Please say that's an availalbe wallpaper
Brendan!™
Tis!
Four actually
Velo
Well I know what I'm doing this weekend
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
TIME HAS LOOPED BACK TOO SOON
gellaho
I'll have to find a new lucky number, all that one did is win $5 million
Velo
...
No
FrumpyBadger
try your SSN next time
Velo
No
FancyShark
Bernbocker is a perfect sadsack name
Velo
THIS IS THE BIG SLEEP
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Bernbocker, it wasn't your lucky number
FancyShark
How do you figure?
Velo
Missing sister
Wealthy client
gellaho
"I have to work long hours to bruise all these books"
GDC's Quivering Thews
who has a 10 digit lucky number?
Velo
Sketchy Bookstore owner
GDC's Quivering Thews
"my lucky number is the first 100 digits of pi"
FancyShark
lol, you might be onto something, Velo
Velo
They already used the name Marlowe
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
it's 1,000,000,000
GDC's Quivering Thews
He must get a lot of wrong numbers
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Mine is 1900HOTDOG
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"420-XXX-555-XXXX"
Velo
They made Sternwood a kid, Ben, because Hardy Boys are for kids
god damn it
gellaho
Clearly bad guys, nobody ever just sits in a car
Velo
The only solution is to ram them head on
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Look, there go the kidnappers now," Frank said. "Good point, bro," Joe replied.
Velo
Charge!
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe lowers his head and charges
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
shouldn't you guys be doing somehting
gellaho
If only we were in a motor vehicle!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Bad guy: "Just keep an eye on them, make sure they don't hurt themselves, ok?"
Brendan!™
Two attempted vehicular manslaughters per book, minimum
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"too bad we didn't bring in any federal agents who would have been able to observe and pursue these suspects."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"A sledgehammer, my only weakness!" -Joe
Velo
"He's going to ram us!" "Not if I put my vehichle in front of him he isn't!"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Then we ram HIM"
gellaho
It's quite a coincidence they had tools prepared for this
FancyShark
lol
Velo
Do you not carry those with you at all times?
Am I the weird one here?
FancyShark
When all you got is a sledgehammer, everything looks like a Hardy
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"The good ol' Hardy Boy castrators"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Bolt cutter guy is going to sever Frank's power supply
gellaho
This massive man couldn't possibly be able to move the weight of this high school computer nerd
Velo
What if you come across bolts that need to be cut?
Or a sledge what needs to be hammered?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I have finished my evening of debauchery at a reasonable time
Where are the laser floors, I will not read up
FancyShark
Hi, @Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster !
Laser floors haven't appeared yet
LyraV
YET!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
we are currently laserless
FancyShark
So far it's lottery numbers and sledgehammers
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
There's been a lot of false leads, an explosion, and a fight just happened
LyraV
There's still time
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I do like a sledgehammer
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
V!
GDC's Quivering Thews
It turns out Joe is very suceptible to hypnosis.
Brendan!™
Joe would have known to step on his neck.
gellaho
The coincidences continue
FancyShark
Their friend Ben won the lottery. He gave money to a psychic group. Also, someone kidnapped his younger sister Emily. Velo says this is The Big Sleep.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Who the fuck is Ben and Emily?
FancyShark
That's a good question!
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Our old friends
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
good job Hardys, you caught the Wet Bandits. That seems more your speed than this whole kidnapping deal
gellaho
So just unrelated burglars then
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
They also break into heads with them, apparently
Brendan!™
STRAP IN
gellaho
Managed to solve a separate crime on accident, way to go Boys
Brendan!™
Ben is the Hardy's neverbeforementioned friend, a pizza waiter who won the lottery and gave his winnings to charities and psychics but not his large uncle George Swell the fraudster.
HOWEVER
His sister Emily was then KIDNAPPED and the ransom note was flash paper, so the kidnapper is some failed magician.
AND
I am getting Thai for dinner!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Anyone could get flash paper
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Wait wait wait wait wait
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Joe has mind bullets now
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
You're implying there are non-failed magicians?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and an electronics company called EEL (get it) is involved somehow, so that's probably where the lasers will happen
FrumpyBadger
Zatanna's doing pretty well for herself, last I heard
GDC's Quivering Thews
Oh yeah, this ghostwriter thinks acronyms are hilarious
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Teller!
I love that guy
gellaho
Then they go to Ben's house and listen to the answering machine for a while
Velo
And you call yourself a Canadian
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I sent Lyra this earlier this week. It's less magic and more stripping with fire, but you know https://youtu.be/cXLq4UwEM2Q?si=eIQ8gCiYMI-6ARkm
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
I know about all these people I just don't respect them.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
RESPECT
Brendan!™
Magicians never really fail, you're right. They just...vanish.
gellaho
Before they get a call from Anthony
gellaho
Brendan!™
Where was Geoffrey Wright at the time of the kidnapping???
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Aleister Crowley was writing HotDog worthy books before hotdogs were invented
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wait so the kidnapper knows he will regret this too?
gellaho
They make a psychic date at the park
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Emily is really hard to be around
Velo
How dare you say that about Ben's sister, Emily
FancyShark
Frank's plan: Hamburgers
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Who is Soluri, who is Frank?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh hang on so this is gonna be another false lead right
FrumpyBadger
Works every time
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Depends on how much of the book is left
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
soluri is the leader of OOPS, a highly prestigious organization which engages in scientific research into the paranormal
FancyShark
Soluri is the head of OOPS, the psychic organization. Frank is Frank Hardy
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
OOPS?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
he wants ben to give him all the money
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I also want all the money
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Come to the park, I'll show you my.... psychic powers
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
An understandable motive
gellaho
Phil comes by to tell them the importance of size
Brendan!™
The psychic should have either known the future appointment or read his mind after he picked it.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Ok, who is Phil?
LyraV
Emily is a future bomb victim and Ben is sad he won the lottery.
As I understand it.
FancyShark
A nerd and friend of the Hardys
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Um Actually that's clairvoyance not telepathy
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
just some guy who knows stuff about electronics and shit
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
How many Hardys are there? So far we have Frank
LyraV
Yeah but Optimus Prime mint in box, that's a rare transformer
gellaho
In comes Chet, who might be fat, it's hard to say
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Frank and Joe. They have a dad but he seems pretty absent so far
LyraV
Well actually probably not anymore I haven't had a subscription to toyfare in a long time
FancyShark
Joe Hardy and Frank Hardy are the main characters and brothers. Fenton Hardy is their father. Gertrude is their aunt
Velo
Chet!
LyraV
CHET
FancyShark
CHEEEEET!
gellaho
This ghostwriter also seems to think Chet can fight (citation needed)
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Wait. You used to subscribe to a toy magazine?!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
BIFF
Velo
Citation: His name is Chet
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you probably should go on a diet anyway Chet
Velo
All Chets can fight
You have to, growing up with a name like Chet
You're either a scrapper or a ski-bully
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
just because the world's smartest scientists managed to build a car that can contain your fat ass doesn't mean you're healthy
FancyShark
Chet is the hero. Always.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Chet is bringing up the US BMI average, but in 10 years he will be the average
gellaho
Really getting the whole gang together for this one
Brendan!™
I used to work for that toy magazine.
Velo
Of course we are! We have to help Ben!
FancyShark
I will not have you besmirch Chet's good, fat name, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
biff and chet know the details of every pizza waiter in town
Brendan!™
Chet is Wholesome Kingpin.
GDC's Quivering Thews
We need Callie to motivate Joe by exploding.
gellaho
Truly a master of his own body
Velo
Ben came to us in his hour of need, and I'll be damned if we let him down
gellaho
Psychics are weak to softball, as we all know
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
can't believe I instantly found a perfect gif for that
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I hope "pitcher" isn't a coded term, here
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Or "gentlemen"
or "softball"
gellaho
They play softball for a while until Anthony magically appears
GDC's Quivering Thews
the softmen are playing gentleball
FancyShark
Mission accomplished
Brendan!™
Anthony force-manifested
gellaho
The conversation does not go great for Ben
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe scratched at the fake beard wrapped around his ears
FancyShark
Ben discovers a new fetish
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
lol jesus Soluri, take a fucking chill pill
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Ben had just said "choke me, daddy"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Wait a second, I know I'm drunk BUT, weren't we supposed to read the second half of some book about time traveling 9/11 teens?
gellaho
Joe Hardy attacks using softball on Anthony
FancyShark
Not this week! Hardy Boys!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
sacre bleu
gellaho
It's super effective
FrumpyBadger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r91dPJSngjA
FancyShark
Had a friend do that to another friend with a swedish fish
Velo
Velo
Does this man look weak to softball to you?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that and Hot Fuzz with the spray paint can
Velo
Yes this will destroy him
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
extremely
Velo
Maybe the weakest to softball anyone has ever been
Brendan!™
Yes but they traveled forward in time.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"I was aiming for Ben!"
gellaho
"The bad luck is me breaking your neck"
FancyShark
hahahaha
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Your 10 grand will pay my office rent for a month!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I fucking knew it. "Beware my psychic attack! Also my choking you in public because I'm a fucking idiot!"
FancyShark
Soluri is so bad at psychic extortion
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
10 grand or you have baaaaaaad luuuuuuuuuuck 👻
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Darth vader proved you can do both
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Forward to 5 of your frieeeeeeeeeends
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Or as I call it, Averill's law
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
true but Soluri is no Darth Vader. He couldn't even dominate the mind of Joe Hardy
gellaho
Really should have thought of this before the elaborate softball plan
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
broken, shattered wasteland that it is
LyraV
Or the law of Dana White's slapology
GDC's Quivering Thews
How do you dominate a mind that's 90% scar tissue?
gellaho
JOE SMASH
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Would it be bad if he killed Ben?
LyraV
Practice and treats
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what? call the police
CALL THE POLICE
GUYS
FUCKING
Velo
Oh
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Soluri's in a shallow grave now, only Chet knows the location
Velo
Ben is the best of us
Brendan!™
Joe stared with barely controlled rage in general, though.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"Hello, police? Guys are fucking, according to Tom"
gellaho
Fenton probably shouldn't have access to that
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
You don't call Chet unless a bitch is going underground
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
You and I treat boyfriends similarly it seems
gellaho
This is definitely information these high school boys should have access to
LyraV
Dating me does tend to end in some brain scarring I'm told
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Detective shows/books are always like "[Blank] is acting strange" and I've thought "that's eeveryone I know"
Brendan!™
The Patriot Act merely encoded what was common practice of letting operatives too young to drink look up anyone's private info.
GDC's Quivering Thews
The Hardys are going to make so much evidence inadmissable.
gellaho
The next day, Joe is disappointed that Ben is not being threatened
FancyShark
With how terrible they are at preserving evidence, the Assassins' plan to nullify their testimony is even dumber
Velo
Ben
Bennerino
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Ernst Toht!"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
You can't spell assassin without "sass"
gellaho
Hi Ed, bye Ed
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Heil the Fuhrer, and all that"
Velo
Hi Ed Montgomery!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
100% Indiana Jones villian
Brendan!™
Or Niles
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Lol they call him Montgomery
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
can't wait for you to be relevant later, ok bye!
Velo
I will not have the montgomery name slandered like this
gellaho
Something, like maybe an asthma attack
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Remember, they don't want Emily
Everyone might be on the same page
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
remember, Emily means nothing to them
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Inhalers generally have about 150 doses, and you take maybe 2-4 a day. Why are asthmatics in media always 2 puffs from running out?
gellaho
On the way back to the van, they are attacked by the deadliest weapon of all: a toy helicopter
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the same way women always go into labour when the roads are shut down from a storm
Brendan!™
This actually tracks with two asthmatic women I dated though.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe lacks depth perception
Brendan!™
maybe the lack of oxygen makes them forgetful.
FancyShark
HIT THE DECK! TOY COPTER!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Granted, the inhaler should be a last resort. My asthma is mainly controlled by a pill I take every night and the inhaler is for when I exert myself
FancyShark
Another thing the explosions took from him!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"I was wondering why the frisbee kept growing larger and larger. Then it hit me"
Velo
I'm sure Emily is fine, she's more of a burden and a liability to her kidnappers than a bargaining chip
gellaho
Frank thinks there's nobody inside the toy helicopter, but he can't be sure
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Destro! of course!'
FrumpyBadger
Honey, I Shrunk The Assassins
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Pixar's "Very Tiny Ninjas"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
The copter could have cameras on it
Velo
Is this when we find out Frank has no depth perception
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wow I can't believe this author predicted drone warfare
Brendan!™
Does this count as the third vehicular attack?
gellaho
What'd, they make the helicopter blades out of lawnmower blades?
FancyShark
Going full Dead Rising
gellaho
Then the toy crashes into him and he's fine
gellaho
Who would have guessed
FancyShark
I'm hoping this is an overly-aggressive sales pitch for a cool new toy helicopter
Velo
"Joe felt something digging into his back, and he tasted something. Something warm, and sweet, like pennies."
Brendan!™
What a good landing pad.
gellaho
Seems legit
Velo
Hmmm
Yeah, yeah that checks out
Brendan!™
Why is this entire book them fighting the worst Superman villains?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's like the guilt you feel when you swat at something and realize you killed a bee 😔
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
God loves Joe
Velo
Joe is his own god
gellaho
They don't make tree trimming helicopters like they used to
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that bee engaged in hostile action, it knew the risks
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It was simply flying near my head
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
violating your airspace
gellaho
Frank's not ruling that out yet
