Velo
"Who are you?"
"Hi I came onto your property fleeing assailants. Do you know who they are?"
"What? Why would I know who they are? I don't even know you."
116: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #85: Winner Take All Franklin W. Dixon
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When crime is on the rise, danger is sure to come down.
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Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Well onetime I heard a fierce roar in my ear and went to swat at it, but I turned my head first and saw a hummingbird who was checking me out
Glad I didn't swat that
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
how many tiny flying creatures swoop at your head on a daily basis?
Velo
"That makes sense. I guess I'm just used to people knowing stuff when I ask about it."
"Are you bleeding?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It must be the floral shampoo/hair cream
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I was gonna say do you have an orchard on your head or something
gellaho
I wonder what that could be for
FancyShark
Vooster drinks out of hummingbird feeders a lot
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
The water is very sweet!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
If you go outside in the country in the summer, you are gonna meet a bee
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
whoa a dozen pizzas
FancyShark
Pizzas are currency?
My god, they've been eating money!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The have increased in value a lot
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that sounds like something a stupid child would say
Velo
This book was sponsored by Big Pizza
Brendan!™
Oh lord, so the chopper carried 50 lbs of cable length.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I could go for a pizza-based currency
Velo
uh
LyraV
I'd probably knife fight someone to get pizza for life but it all comes down your valuation.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
It's a TOW missle, but for the whole helicopter
Velo
I don't want to be a fiber optic cable nerd but: no
No to all this
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
they did say that the chopper was actually about 5 feet long, so it wasn't a tiny toy thing
although that would be funnier
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Would be cheaper and less suspiscious to just shoot them
gellaho
MUST FEED
GDC's Quivering Thews
This was written when the ghost writer could get away with claiming fiber optic cable was sci fi magic
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
They compromised, and ate at George Pizza's house
Brendan!™
They followed the cable to Anthony
Velo
I'm doing the maths in my head of what it would take just to get that cable to do anything
These kidnappers are going to have to raise their randsome demands
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The signal in 1994 would have been shit, too
Brendan!™
T1
gellaho
They already checked every room the last time they were here, but might as well break in just for fun
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
One MILLION dollars
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Joe saying he wants to go to Mr. Pizza makes me think the flashbang did more damage than he is acknowledging
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I was doing work on laser comms in 2000's, it was just starting to be "ok"
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Nonsense, a laser comm around then could slice a satellite in half with the right diamond
GDC's Quivering Thews
Funnily enough, I am actually eating a pizza. The subliminal messages worked
gellaho
Well, rock solid evidence. Case closed
Velo
Emily did it
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
OOC
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"What? Who is Sir Cumstanchal? I don't have time for British history lessons, I have to solve this kidnapping!"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
A cabin in the woods?
With...lasers?
gellaho
Weird that he chooses to live in squalor when he has this cabin
Velo
Yeah he could be living in squalor inside the cabin
FancyShark
He remembered how to get there but not how to get there. Got it.
GDC's Quivering Thews
I'm broke, all I have is the clothes on my back and this lakefront property.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the land is enchanted to keep away outsiders
Brendan!™
Left at the pine tree.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Just breakl in, it's your property
gellaho
When they get to the cabin Joe jumps to conclusions
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Bigfoot did it
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Why has Ben squandered all his money, again?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
or, you know, anything
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
no ben's uncle george
he's a loser who lives on insurance scams
Velo
That bulky shape is- oh the book did my joke
gellaho
JOE SMASH
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Ooooh, a real Brockway's dad type
FancyShark
Stops his brother before the first strike. "Don't kill him"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Don't kill him"
"Let Chet do this"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Joe wins by 'frenzied ape leap attack'
Velo
To be fair it only takes one hit to kill George
More of a light shove than a hit really
gellaho
Swell immediately cedes authority to these two teens
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
It's super effective
"No body's inside - just the head"
FancyShark
It's a good thing they're not criminals, because this mugging would be really easy
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
anyway it was just a bag full of clothes and bowling balls or whatever, let's hurry this up
GDC's Quivering Thews
The body of another, unrelated kidnapping victim
gellaho
It's going swell
Velo
God I hope he doesn't have her
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Oh hell, they beat up a broke loser
Velo
They're just robbing him
FancyShark
"All I have in the cabin is a book bound in human skin and inked in blood and a tape recorder"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
no he's false lead number 3
Velo
Destroying his happy memories of this cabin
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
because the Hardys don't know what they're doing
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
number infinity at this point
Velo
Oh shit lake cabin! More Big Sleep!
gellaho
It's not like they're famous globetrotting teen detectives
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"We'd have to kill you, otherwise"
FancyShark
Since they can't form long term memories, they don't know other people can
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
really nailed him with that one, Frank
gellaho
MUST CONSUME MORE
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I mean this must be 48 hours used up now right?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
they have a fancy answering machine, too????
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
they were close to the deadline before they drove out to bumfuck cabin
Velo
Ahahahahah they just left
they
they just left
gellaho
Great detectives
Velo
they just fucking left
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah why would ben be nervous
suspicious
Velo
They just assault George and fucked off into the woods
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"The body count is getting too high"
LyraV
Yeah they make em awesome now, that's how they trim trees in the hills.
Velo
George absolutely thinks they're still out there
Brendan!™
Sounds like a good day if you ignore the terrified teenager.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
@Velo How well do you know Ben...?
Velo
in the woods
FancyShark
"We just beat a man senseless where he felt safest. Something's off here."
Velo
watching him
LyraV
As opposed to all those times Ben sounded confident and calm.
Velo
George can't sleep at night
FancyShark
Every twig snap makes him think Joe is going to strike
gellaho
That sounds real, sure
Velo
"You don't know who we are!" His assailant shouted before disappearing into the forest
GDC's Quivering Thews
George thinks the hardys are cryptids now
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"in my dreams I see him... that boy... that man... that thing..."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Now they have a mom? What's with all the sudden new characters
FancyShark
oh right, she's there sometimes
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wtf
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
These teens still live at home?
Velo
they told him the cops couldn't do shit to protect him and then left
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I thought they were 18/19?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I thought they had aunt gertrude as like a replacement mother figure
their mum is alive?
gellaho
They're in high school
Joe's 17
Velo
There are murderous teens lurking in every shadow
George's only happy memories are gone
Soiled forever for no reason
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
They're not the Hardy Men y'know
Velo
All he has is his suffering
FancyShark
Adventure!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
serious question does their mother get a name in this book
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Why are you asking? what do you know?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I feel like all fictional characters should be my age
Makes everything less awkward
Brendan!™
Sleuthing is a spectrum anyway.
Joe, for example, identifies as a colossus.
gellaho
It's book 85 of a spin off series, she'll have had a name for 75 years at this point in time
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
but do you know it though
gellaho
Laura
FancyShark
Just don't ask him to write it down. He thinks "colossus" is spelled ":"
Velo
I had to leave to recover from them assaulting George, telling him he would never find them, and then disappearing into the woods
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
well it's not as funny if you have the answer
moving on
Velo
That's the funniest thing i've seen in a book cage
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
....who is George?
gellaho
So they follow Ben to the psychics office and Joe really wished he murdered Anthony
Velo
oh god please let them also not have her
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The Hardy boy did the kidnapping
And forget they did
Velo
The rest of the book is just the Hardys assaulting people and then vanishing into the night
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Batman villians from then on
gellaho
Then they follow Ben to Emily's apartment
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Everyone is laughing at me, I seriously don't know who George is, and if you told me, I forgot
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I am still passibly drun
k
Velo
George quietly taking down the old rope swing his folks put up, because he'll just never feel safe using it anymore
FancyShark
George is Ben's skeevy friend
Velo
Cousin
FancyShark
Cousin
Velo
He is Ben's cousin
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Drunk enough to attack George?
FancyShark
my bad
Velo
Who lives in squalor and kept this cabin for all the treasured memories he had of it
Treasured memories, now destroyed
Anyways hi Ben
gellaho
Then they do the whole trip in reverse. Joe is not having it
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Bitch, I attack people when sober
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I definitely told you. He's ben's shithead uncle who lives on insurance scams and wanted ben to give him the lottery money
Velo
Your cousin is forgetting his parents voices right now because of your shithead friends
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wait uncle or cousin
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
So he's his uncle cousin
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
whatever
Velo
Cousin
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
😆
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I'm not even drunk, it's only midday here
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Look, if these people can stop having the blandest, most generic white boy names in existance, it would help
gellaho
Ben thinks the guy who tried to strangle him might be his best hope
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
there's definitely a few too many white boy names
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Like Soluri is a name I can latch onto
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah but I keep forgetting his first name is anthony
FancyShark
"Soluri tried to strangle me. And I want to talk to him again. F-for protection. Yeah."
Velo
Anthony's pretty unusual
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Or do the fantasy thing where you take a common name and change one letter
Velo
Anyways the Hardys slash Ben's tires
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Anthony is an "ethnic" name in this crowd
FancyShark
"You'll never find us, Ben!"
gellaho
Ben might be an idiot
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
CALL THE FBI
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"$1k is toilet paper for me, now, guys"
Velo
"I gave up on you two fucking idiots!"
FancyShark
Nonsense! They're terrible psychics!
Velo
"You know George called me, right?"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
call the CIA
Velo
"He was crying."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"I've upgraded to a psychic!"
gellaho
That's worth $1000
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
call the men who stare at goats
GDC's Quivering Thews
Ben is the kind of guy who deserves to get grifted
Velo
"He said two random maniacs assaulted him, and now he doesn't feel safe in this state. He said he was going to get in his car and drive until he couldn't feel their eyes on him anymore."
gellaho
Gotta meet Elmo early, he's got books to bruise
Velo
Ben is the best
GDC's Quivering Thews
Separating Ben from his money is a moral imperative at this point
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"also my premonitions are the pre-deterministic kind so it will definitely happen ok bye"
ah yes, Belmo Bernbocker, aka false lead number 4
Velo
"Well I guess it's time to go burn down his bookstore."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Book Molester
Velo
"Those books are about to get mighty bruised."
The Hardy Boys have become Pinkertons
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"he should have kept this crime... off the books" YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH
FancyShark
"Elmo not playing, Ben. Deposit the money or Elmo sends you a finger."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
gellaho
Ah, walky-talkies in the nineties
gellaho
Practically useless
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I clicked on the wrong gif
I will not fix it
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
EELS is playing with them
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh shit there are orks!
GDC's Quivering Thews
If you paint it red it will ork faster
gellaho
This covert operation is going well
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"what are those squirrels saying? ARE YOU WORKING WITH THEM?!"
Velo
HAH
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Good old Elmo "Squirrel Jitters" Bernbocker
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Squirrel vs. Elmo
Velo
Joes wasn't going to be caught fucking hiding like some dipshit
gellaho
Joe is simultaneously maced and attacked by a squirrel
Velo
GOOD
FEEL THE WRATH OF GEORGE
FancyShark
SAVE YOUR MEMORIES, ELMO!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh my god what an amazing combo attack
gellaho
Only buy official Mace brand products, kids
Velo
Oh no, Mace brand Mace!
GDC's Quivering Thews
I mean macing a guy leaping out at you from the bushes seems like a pretty reasonable move to me
Velo
"It stings 25% more than store brand" Joe cried as he fell down a hill
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"is Elmo crazy? Or is Elmo actually the only one who's sane?"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Did he spray him with mace or did he smash his face in with a spiked club?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
What if the squirrel maced them?
gellaho
Elmo about to get taken for a ride
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that would make more sense if he was a Beastmaster Ranger
Velo
Velo
The real mastermind behind all this
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Elmo! You bruised those books for nothing!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Is that George?
Velo
That's Soluri
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh no, with those occult books Anthony Scaramucci will be even more powerful
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Soluri, from this book, wrote this book?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
And now has the Necronomicon
FrumpyBadger
It's a Slaughterhouse Five kinda deal, don't worry about it
Velo
This is George
gellaho
A criminal mastermind is Anthony
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh hey, a reference to a book that I actually get for once
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I don;t like it when books go back and forth between first and last names of characters, it's like I'M NOT PAYING THAT MUCH ATTENTION
FancyShark
hahahahahahaha
Velo
THEY DID
FancyShark
Soluri hypnotized Ben into thinking he had a sister!
Velo
THEY RANDOMLY ASSAULTED ANOTHER MAN
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Emily isn't real?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah, Soluri got 2000 bucks out of this scam, that's enough for him to disappear forever, you're right Frank
FancyShark
I don't think she is!
gellaho
I think the trick was he told Ben that he was looking for a skinny guy and sent Elmo to meet him
FancyShark
oh
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh yeah, the Hardys didn't know she existed
GDC's Quivering Thews
Soluri is still in disbelief that his scam worked
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and ben was such a close friend of theirs
gellaho
Given that there's an old lady who knows who she is
GDC's Quivering Thews
He's never had marks this easy
gellaho
And we met her boyfriend
FancyShark
oh right
Velo
Emily exists
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
all actors
Velo
But
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hired by soluri
with his incredible 2000 dollar windfall
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
😵💫
Velo
The Hardy Boys just assaulted a book store owner in a park
AND THEN LEFT
FancyShark
I need to pay better attention
Velo
OFFERING NO EXPLANATION