Velo
"Who are you?"
"Hi I came onto your property fleeing assailants. Do you know who they are?"
"What? Why would I know who they are? I don't even know you."
"Who are you?"
"Hi I came onto your property fleeing assailants. Do you know who they are?"
"What? Why would I know who they are? I don't even know you."
Well onetime I heard a fierce roar in my ear and went to swat at it, but I turned my head first and saw a hummingbird who was checking me out
Glad I didn't swat that
how many tiny flying creatures swoop at your head on a daily basis?
"That makes sense. I guess I'm just used to people knowing stuff when I ask about it."
"Are you bleeding?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
It must be the floral shampoo/hair cream
I was gonna say do you have an orchard on your head or something
I wonder what that could be for
Vooster drinks out of hummingbird feeders a lot
The water is very sweet!
If you go outside in the country in the summer, you are gonna meet a bee
whoa a dozen pizzas
Pizzas are currency?
My god, they've been eating money!
The have increased in value a lot
that sounds like something a stupid child would say
This book was sponsored by Big Pizza
Oh lord, so the chopper carried 50 lbs of cable length.
I could go for a pizza-based currency
uh
I'd probably knife fight someone to get pizza for life but it all comes down your valuation.
It's a TOW missle, but for the whole helicopter
I don't want to be a fiber optic cable nerd but: no
No to all this
they did say that the chopper was actually about 5 feet long, so it wasn't a tiny toy thing
although that would be funnier
Would be cheaper and less suspiscious to just shoot them
MUST FEED
This was written when the ghost writer could get away with claiming fiber optic cable was sci fi magic
They compromised, and ate at George Pizza's house
They followed the cable to Anthony
I'm doing the maths in my head of what it would take just to get that cable to do anything
These kidnappers are going to have to raise their randsome demands
The signal in 1994 would have been shit, too
T1
They already checked every room the last time they were here, but might as well break in just for fun
One MILLION dollars
Joe saying he wants to go to Mr. Pizza makes me think the flashbang did more damage than he is acknowledging
I was doing work on laser comms in 2000's, it was just starting to be "ok"
Nonsense, a laser comm around then could slice a satellite in half with the right diamond
Funnily enough, I am actually eating a pizza. The subliminal messages worked
Well, rock solid evidence. Case closed
Emily did it
OOC
"What? Who is Sir Cumstanchal? I don't have time for British history lessons, I have to solve this kidnapping!"
A cabin in the woods?
With...lasers?
Weird that he chooses to live in squalor when he has this cabin
Yeah he could be living in squalor inside the cabin
He remembered how to get there but not how to get there. Got it.
I'm broke, all I have is the clothes on my back and this lakefront property.
the land is enchanted to keep away outsiders
Left at the pine tree.
Just breakl in, it's your property
When they get to the cabin Joe jumps to conclusions
Bigfoot did it
Why has Ben squandered all his money, again?
or, you know, anything
no ben's uncle george
he's a loser who lives on insurance scams
That bulky shape is- oh the book did my joke
JOE SMASH
Ooooh, a real Brockway's dad type
Stops his brother before the first strike. "Don't kill him"
"Don't kill him"
"Let Chet do this"
Joe wins by 'frenzied ape leap attack'
To be fair it only takes one hit to kill George
More of a light shove than a hit really
Swell immediately cedes authority to these two teens
It's super effective
"No body's inside - just the head"
It's a good thing they're not criminals, because this mugging would be really easy
anyway it was just a bag full of clothes and bowling balls or whatever, let's hurry this up
The body of another, unrelated kidnapping victim
It's going swell
God I hope he doesn't have her
Oh hell, they beat up a broke loser
They're just robbing him
"All I have in the cabin is a book bound in human skin and inked in blood and a tape recorder"
no he's false lead number 3
Destroying his happy memories of this cabin
because the Hardys don't know what they're doing
number infinity at this point
Oh shit lake cabin! More Big Sleep!
It's not like they're famous globetrotting teen detectives
"We'd have to kill you, otherwise"
Since they can't form long term memories, they don't know other people can
really nailed him with that one, Frank
MUST CONSUME MORE
I mean this must be 48 hours used up now right?
they have a fancy answering machine, too????
they were close to the deadline before they drove out to bumfuck cabin
Ahahahahah they just left
they
they just left
Great detectives
they just fucking left
yeah why would ben be nervous
suspicious
They just assault George and fucked off into the woods
"The body count is getting too high"
Yeah they make em awesome now, that's how they trim trees in the hills.
George absolutely thinks they're still out there
Sounds like a good day if you ignore the terrified teenager.
@Velo How well do you know Ben...?
in the woods
"We just beat a man senseless where he felt safest. Something's off here."
watching him
As opposed to all those times Ben sounded confident and calm.
George can't sleep at night
Every twig snap makes him think Joe is going to strike
That sounds real, sure
"You don't know who we are!" His assailant shouted before disappearing into the forest
George thinks the hardys are cryptids now
"in my dreams I see him... that boy... that man... that thing..."
Now they have a mom? What's with all the sudden new characters
oh right, she's there sometimes
wtf
These teens still live at home?
they told him the cops couldn't do shit to protect him and then left
I thought they were 18/19?
I thought they had aunt gertrude as like a replacement mother figure
their mum is alive?
They're in high school
Joe's 17
There are murderous teens lurking in every shadow
George's only happy memories are gone
Soiled forever for no reason
They're not the Hardy Men y'know
All he has is his suffering
Adventure!
serious question does their mother get a name in this book
Why are you asking? what do you know?
I feel like all fictional characters should be my age
Makes everything less awkward
Sleuthing is a spectrum anyway.
Joe, for example, identifies as a colossus.
It's book 85 of a spin off series, she'll have had a name for 75 years at this point in time
but do you know it though
Laura
Just don't ask him to write it down. He thinks "colossus" is spelled ":"
I had to leave to recover from them assaulting George, telling him he would never find them, and then disappearing into the woods
well it's not as funny if you have the answer
moving on
That's the funniest thing i've seen in a book cage
....who is George?
So they follow Ben to the psychics office and Joe really wished he murdered Anthony
oh god please let them also not have her
The Hardy boy did the kidnapping
And forget they did
The rest of the book is just the Hardys assaulting people and then vanishing into the night
Batman villians from then on
Then they follow Ben to Emily's apartment
Everyone is laughing at me, I seriously don't know who George is, and if you told me, I forgot
I am still passibly drun
k
George quietly taking down the old rope swing his folks put up, because he'll just never feel safe using it anymore
George is Ben's skeevy friend
Cousin
Cousin
He is Ben's cousin
Drunk enough to attack George?
my bad
Who lives in squalor and kept this cabin for all the treasured memories he had of it
Treasured memories, now destroyed
Anyways hi Ben
Then they do the whole trip in reverse. Joe is not having it
Bitch, I attack people when sober
I definitely told you. He's ben's shithead uncle who lives on insurance scams and wanted ben to give him the lottery money
Your cousin is forgetting his parents voices right now because of your shithead friends
wait uncle or cousin
So he's his uncle cousin
whatever
Cousin
😆
I'm not even drunk, it's only midday here
Look, if these people can stop having the blandest, most generic white boy names in existance, it would help
Ben thinks the guy who tried to strangle him might be his best hope
there's definitely a few too many white boy names
Like Soluri is a name I can latch onto
yeah but I keep forgetting his first name is anthony
"Soluri tried to strangle me. And I want to talk to him again. F-for protection. Yeah."
Anthony's pretty unusual
Or do the fantasy thing where you take a common name and change one letter
Anyways the Hardys slash Ben's tires
Anthony is an "ethnic" name in this crowd
"You'll never find us, Ben!"
Ben might be an idiot
CALL THE FBI
"$1k is toilet paper for me, now, guys"
"I gave up on you two fucking idiots!"
Nonsense! They're terrible psychics!
"You know George called me, right?"
call the CIA
"He was crying."
"I've upgraded to a psychic!"
That's worth $1000
call the men who stare at goats
Ben is the kind of guy who deserves to get grifted
"He said two random maniacs assaulted him, and now he doesn't feel safe in this state. He said he was going to get in his car and drive until he couldn't feel their eyes on him anymore."
Gotta meet Elmo early, he's got books to bruise
Ben is the best
Separating Ben from his money is a moral imperative at this point
"also my premonitions are the pre-deterministic kind so it will definitely happen ok bye"
ah yes, Belmo Bernbocker, aka false lead number 4
"Well I guess it's time to go burn down his bookstore."
Book Molester
"Those books are about to get mighty bruised."
The Hardy Boys have become Pinkertons
"he should have kept this crime... off the books" YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH
"Elmo not playing, Ben. Deposit the money or Elmo sends you a finger."
Ah, walky-talkies in the nineties
Practically useless
I clicked on the wrong gif
I will not fix it
EELS is playing with them
oh shit there are orks!
If you paint it red it will ork faster
This covert operation is going well
"what are those squirrels saying? ARE YOU WORKING WITH THEM?!"
HAH
Good old Elmo "Squirrel Jitters" Bernbocker
Squirrel vs. Elmo
Joes wasn't going to be caught fucking hiding like some dipshit
Joe is simultaneously maced and attacked by a squirrel
GOOD
FEEL THE WRATH OF GEORGE
SAVE YOUR MEMORIES, ELMO!
oh my god what an amazing combo attack
Only buy official Mace brand products, kids
Oh no, Mace brand Mace!
I mean macing a guy leaping out at you from the bushes seems like a pretty reasonable move to me
"It stings 25% more than store brand" Joe cried as he fell down a hill
"is Elmo crazy? Or is Elmo actually the only one who's sane?"
Did he spray him with mace or did he smash his face in with a spiked club?
What if the squirrel maced them?
Elmo about to get taken for a ride
that would make more sense if he was a Beastmaster Ranger
The real mastermind behind all this
Jesus Christ, Elmo! You bruised those books for nothing!
Is that George?
That's Soluri
oh no, with those occult books Anthony Scaramucci will be even more powerful
Soluri, from this book, wrote this book?
And now has the Necronomicon
It's a Slaughterhouse Five kinda deal, don't worry about it
This is George
A criminal mastermind is Anthony
Oh hey, a reference to a book that I actually get for once
I don;t like it when books go back and forth between first and last names of characters, it's like I'M NOT PAYING THAT MUCH ATTENTION
hahahahahahaha
THEY DID
Soluri hypnotized Ben into thinking he had a sister!
THEY RANDOMLY ASSAULTED ANOTHER MAN
Emily isn't real?
yeah, Soluri got 2000 bucks out of this scam, that's enough for him to disappear forever, you're right Frank
I don't think she is!
I think the trick was he told Ben that he was looking for a skinny guy and sent Elmo to meet him
oh
oh yeah, the Hardys didn't know she existed
Soluri is still in disbelief that his scam worked
and ben was such a close friend of theirs
Given that there's an old lady who knows who she is
He's never had marks this easy
And we met her boyfriend
oh right
Emily exists
all actors
But
hired by soluri
with his incredible 2000 dollar windfall
😵💫
The Hardy Boys just assaulted a book store owner in a park
AND THEN LEFT
I need to pay better attention
OFFERING NO EXPLANATION