The Book Cage: Episode 118
Spacial Delivery
A giant, sentient, bear deliveryman carries a man like a backpack to save a space envoy and prevent galaxy-wide dominance by a species of short, mean, fat strongmen. Need I say more?
See me say more Friday, 5pm Eastern.
Little under an hour until Spacial Delivery. Here is your preview
Oh crap. It's a comedy
i'm still waiting for the one book cage that drives Shark to drink
There have been a few that have tempted
It's much more fun, though, to rip the offending material apart with friends
I don't believe it is
I was thrown by the name Boy Is She Built
It has comedic elements, but it's definitely not the zany, desperate parodies we have read
oh thank god
It's age would prevent that anyway
I still haven't forgiven the bicycle book
It's from 1961
Shark stays awake at night, just incredibly aware that there are several more bicycle books
Every day we are not looking at those is a gift
Hi @FancyShark !
Until I figure out how to properly destroy them. Then I'll crave a target
Are you prepared for Book Cage?
lol, dammit, lemme try again
Hi, @Velo !
No put it back, greet yourself
Show yourself the same courtesy, warmth, and kindness you show others
I hope so! The unknown books are always a surprise!
Dawww!
I have a plush shark @Fatamatician: The Curator got me from the World Wildlife Fund. I'll say hi to that as a proxy.
There we go
Also a picture @Hamb$ne painted for me
Lucky for him, I had enough of that myself.
And I am the only one who matters
Time to begin the process
IT BEGINS!
Hi, @gellaho !
I enjoy that they list his award winning book
wikipedia?
It's BOOKIN' TIME
But they don't have the printing rights to it, so leave it out of the advertisement
Zebra-Zzzz
HI SHARK
HI EVERYONE WHO HATES CAPS LOCK BUT I FIND IT VERY FUNNY
HI, @Brendan!™ ! HI, @disculpa mi tulpa !
The honorable guy
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT
A conservative judge, villainous? Wow, this speculative fiction is something else.
a future so distant that only liberals smoke
Let me just hypnotize you on the way over
We need to bring villainous back as a synonym for bad instead of evil
It's fun to say
okay actually I consider myself a radical and until 10 years ago smoked two packs a day. Maybe not crazy. Never mind.
"This milk has gone villainous"
You got a villainous grade on the final kid. Sorry.
She sounds attractive
Basic for what part, Dickson?
personally, wouldn't talk about my Dilbian Greasy Face with a lady
Daddy Shaking Knees
those are some names
Papa Jimmy Legs was better
"I have given him a nickname based on his physical appearance."
"Okay."
"His name is Daddy-"
"Wait."
wait, why would two answers be a liar?
Better than being in competition with the Hemorrhoids
Thank you for explaining the name Two Answers, Dickson. I'm getting a very clear idea of what regard you have for your audience
I'd guess he'd be an idiot not a liar. Like either he says Elvis if it's a person or he says Texas if it's a place.
She is certainly a women
They stop everyone up
✅ Redhead
This feels early for redheads
It's never too early for redheads
Dickson is moving at a breakneck pace and I appreciate that
I've almost certainly just jinxed us
If you take villainous back to its actual roots, almost all milk is villainous even fresh.
it's like the word Dilbian has lost all meaning these days
Although back then a lot of people in the city had a goat for milk and trash disposal.
Some of my best memories are redheads before dawn.
I assume they called him Red because he's Morgan Freeman
Heinie, The Squeaking Squirt
Heinie the Shart
"I should have used his full name of Heiner Schlaff." No, no you shouldn't have
Daddy Shaking Legs isn't also The Squeaking Squirt? Damn.
Daddy Shaking Legs sounds like a guy who plays jazz piano
Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !
Just ripped with fat
Squeaking Squirt got me bad.
Hi, @Just Kyle !
Heya
Squeaking Squirt got you villainous
I tried to describe myself as enormously boned but she still demanded pics
enormously boned is an ambiguous term here
This entire book is just a series of introductions with ridiculous names because that's what science fiction was back then
Assuming "one fourth again" is old timey for 125%
just to put it all together, we're talking about an enormously boned and fantastically padded Hemnoid.
"Imagine a man named Gregg with two Gs!" A man would shout, and another would exclaim "That's at least one more G than usual!" And then they would laugh around the fireplace as the wolves howled in the night
Great now we gotta do gravity fraction math
"Shut the fuck up, John, I'm talking"
Oh I didn't realize we were reading the expanse series let me get my gravity abacus
space colonialism!
They don't want to deal with us and we're not getting the message
Oh shit is this Avatar
Are we doing an Avatar
gasp, I'm late
I think it'd be hard not to point at a three dimensional
"They told us to 'piss off', which we believe is a mistranslation of 'we like pie'"
Hi Tom we're doing an avatar
Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Maybe Sentinel Island? this will lead to kidnapping a bunch of their people and taking nude photos.
avatar with bears?
Yeah
Bearvatar
dilbian space phrenology
That's not how I would describe tobacco
They're smarter the the average space bear
You could have just said "the tall one". It's rude to point.
But it's fun
Depends how wacky the tobaccy is.
Mild odors like tobacco, vinegar, and ammonia
They're going to sew him into a bear costume because this is olden times
There were no mild odors in olden times
This is going to be one of those sci-fi books that's more interested in building a world than exploring it.
No mild odors. Only levels of decay.
It's more like the early episodes of Star Trek where the Federation competed with the Klingons in the space Cold War
The tongue-in-cheek names have me very tense
Except, you know, several years before
this book sponsored by Philip Morris?
Speaking of Klingons
I have never seen that but I am even more excited now
ok I've caught up
what is a hemnoid
Fat Klingon
I bet they put the elderly on subsistence funds and failed to increase them with inflation or some shit
"Remember that Dilbians pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose at chess. We think it's a sign of affection."
and the dilbertians are the navi?
Are the Dilbians the giants?
Diblians are giant bear people
the Hemnoids are enormously boned and fantastically padded though
Industrial manufactured soap was less than 100 years old when this book was written
Okay, I got lost so quickly there.
The annuciator is very specific about pronunciation
An excellent question, star-traveler! To begin, let us picture a Buddha-caricature of a human being, but nine feet tall and excellently padded with muscle to survive low gravity. Now, regarding their digestive peculiarities...
the annunciator beeped. And then he checked the time on his chronometer.
and they've got an enormous bone
and this incredibly handsome and athletic biochemist has been drafted and hypnotized to like negotiate a peace or something?
A book where every character is a Pokedex entry
Save pretty, greasy lady
John is getting very upset about getting space drafted into diplomacy
This might make it easier to keep track.
Doesn't get much more space than Vega Seven
damn. I mean. What is it all about?
"Why would you come here without asking questions?"
"You sent a squad of goons into the bathroom stall and tazed me until I passed out!"
And you just came along all on your own?
I still can't move my left side!
"what part of 'drafted' don't you understand?"
no draft dodgers in this book damn it
I mean, who wouldn't want Boy is She Built?
Good, they'll take pity on you!
Boy Is She Built -- oh shit best name yet
I can't help but picture Karlach
Don't be late, MR. Tardy
Oh no now he has a mean nickname too
you see sir, you are the complete package. yum.
oh they're sending a rough tough laddie for the bears
I get it
You can't just call people that anymore
"You'll get used to not thinking very fast, Mr. Tardy. I'm sure there will be no unfortunate connotations with that name."
Ohhhhh
@Emergency Stount Cerril That Shaking Knees Beef you ordered is up.
No time to fantasize about thicc she-bears, thought Tardy
I mean there's probably time
Tardy attempting to shut out the siren song of the furries
These Odd Dilbian names . . . made of basic english words
Mr. Tardy, you must venture into Dilbertian terrain and rescue Brick Shithouse
These names make me think that some real problematic native american imagery is coming up
This is what 1961 horny looked like
Or a "hilarious" series of events
And it's a good argument against time traveling
It's more like when guys call their fat friend slim
They're mostly embarrassing nicknames
Do we know for certain this isn't a repurposed Star Trek spec?
Probably not great for diplomacy
I see what you did there
1961, so not sure
The way time works would make that difficult
Dickson might have been copying Roddenbury's notes in school
Did you highlight that? If so, hilarious and thank you. If not, also hilarious and thank you.
John is christened Damn What That Stank
I think they bearly smell.
Bears to be sure
Kinky
oh shit. these aren't bears. They're bigfeets.
this is the big foot origin story
They weigh about 700 pounds and stand at least 8ft tall
That is an... interesting laugh
"And then they meet the bear people!"
"Bear people, Archibald? Of the ursine persuasion?"
"Most assuredly ursine, Theodore, indeed."
And then they chuckled on their chais by the fireplace.
Shaking Knees is played by Brian Blessed
"Hor, Firetop! Does the thatched roof match the hrtktaiji?"
Massive elbow drop from the top of the beer vat
"Bully good hostage situation, eh wot?"
Souse Nose drowned in that beer vat, so the beer was free that day
These guys sound fun, I think this lady just went native
Name's a bit on the nose. Apologies for the pun.
Hill Bluffer
Hills are notoriously terrible at texas hold'em.
Hi @FrumpyBadger !
Hi, @FrumpyBadger !
I don't think that counts as a job
This guy talks like tom bombadil
And his older brother, Mountain Deceiver
Especially when his actual job is mailman
Hill Bluffadillo
This guy is a professional walker
can't be a postman, Costner acts more wooden than that
God tv needed to be invented
this was the inspiration for the role I think
hang on if this postman is so athletic why do they need a human biochemist at all
they just need his body
his sweet, athletic body
Well you see…
Reasons
They need a human to do it to impress the Dilbians
Within days, all of these characters would be shoveled into a mass grave
See?
Because they are in galaxy wide conflict with the Homnoids
Okay Homnoids bad
Sound dampening coils
so the dilbertians are agreeing to sit around and do nothing and let the humans impress them?
That clears up a lot of my confusion
Each coil weighs a mere feathery twenty pounds
behind the ear? earplug technology was too primitive.
Sound dampening coils were a big sci-fi trope back in the day and I am still unclear on why
and now we have noise cancelling ear buds. blame the nerds.
how many tall mans is that?
Kinky
I think cars had just acquired mufflers
"Some light pony play? Hor hor!"
Bluffer is just barely not a porno job title
Piggy back ride!
Saddle! That! Dude!
Piggy back ride in space!
Hi, @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning !
Seems very dignified
"I won't wear the fuck saddle! I'm a dominant ONLY!"
Sausage, Badger, and Shark were right!
John is now a backpack. Diplomacy SUCCESSFUL
He's a little space bear papoose
Bomb Tombadil, that's my name and trade! No gravesite or memorial too small for detonation! When a simple cross of sticks sees me coming, it falls apart in fear!
So is it pronounced Bomb Tombadil or Bomb Tombadil
Mother's uncle's first cousin
Did mel brooks steal that joke for Spaceballs?
And away we go
So far, this is a terrible first draft of The Things They Carried
But a very good Dilbert spec script.
I think I'd watch this if it had giant Dogbert
Everything in the future seems very dignified
Later the Dilberians file into the temple to worship their god, Skaht A'dahms
hahaha john is a literal bellend.
Does mail complain often enough for them to have such a custom?
forgot to capitalize Hypno Training, the Dilberian who taught him about honor
These are the ways of our people
Passive-aggressive piggyback action.
Space bears have some really deep post office lore
If the mail complains we turn the bear around
Lot of people mailing their children on Dilbia.
Siblings.
That kind of thing.
This is pre-pet carrier
We shall call you, Dances With Worfs
Impressive that jai alai survives into the future, considering I don't think it survived to now
Hill Bluffer has had to carry Nermal to Abu Dhabi so many fucking times.
What the hell is Jai Alai
Turn the page before he starts talking about how hes a champion at Turkish camel wrestling.
We all know what that sounds like, right?
Catch with scoops
And occassionaly a dude gets blasted full in the face with the ball.
I thought that was lacrosse
And the ball is thrown at 150 mph
Sounds more exciting than it actually is
Lacrosse has longer scoops