118: Spacial Delivery Gordon R. Dickson

Velo

John rips his own arms off to escape a trap that's only holding his ankle

FancyShark

Ricky Ricardo, The Terror

Velo

Careful John, your spectacular body!

gellaho

Mildly, smugly, roarly

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It'd be really funny if Terror is like four feet tall.

FancyShark

Joe Pesci the bear

Wait no. That'd be actually terrifying

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"It.......wasnt on purpose, you fucking dumb ass bear!"

gellaho

Note: except for the yelling of WHYYYYYYYY

disculpa mi tulpa

he's a battler because he just knocks pitches foul until you screw up. Duh.

gellaho

Sexy

disculpa mi tulpa

FINALLY

the foreplay lasted 14 or 15 chapters

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Note: noted John

FancyShark

Terror is turned on by drama. Kinky.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

are you fucking kidding me

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Note: Noted John: the notetaking notetaker

gellaho

You have no idea

FancyShark

The year was 1961, and a scifi writer named Dickson already knew karate doesn't beat MMA grappling

Velo

It's exactly the fight scenes from Sherlock Holmes but John is an idiot with a head wound

FancyShark

"Boy it sure was a crazy, epic battle. Sure wish you could have seen it" said the author

FrumpyBadger

So it's most Sherlock Holmes adaptations

Velo

First, distract target, then block his blind jab. Counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. Dazed, he'll attempt a wild hay-maker, employ elbow block, and body shot. Block feral left, weaken right jaw, now fracture. Break cracked ribs, traumatize solar plexus. Dislocate jaw entirely. Heel kick to diaphragm. In summary, ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery, 6 weeks, full psychological recovery, 6 months, capacity to spit at back of head, neutralized

gellaho

Yes, that's a great way to clean wounds

Velo

Lick the wound clean, John

FrumpyBadger

Bro really went into VATS for that sequence

FancyShark

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

John uses a local type of poison ivy leaf, so the swelling will pinch the wounds closed.

GDC's Quivering Thews

John rubs a bunch of aphids into his wounds

gellaho

I don't think climbing a tree counts as woodcraft

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its called "Doing a Bilbo." after that part in The Hobbit where Bilbo climbs a tree and overlooks pretty pertinent information because hes looking at butterflies.

gellaho

David Lynch stealing from Gordon Dickson

disculpa mi tulpa

not the way I would use woodcraft after rolling on the ground

FancyShark

The Dilbians are so great. There's no neighborhood on Earth that would band together to help locate a missing parcel

gellaho

This is why they won't mail tables

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

took him 15 chapters to realize this

disculpa mi tulpa

I believe you can still litereally mail animals in the US. Not the best idea though.

gellaho

That does sound delicious

disculpa mi tulpa

ah he's stuffed and prepared to go in the oven. The feast will be fine.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Well at least the beer is good, why does anyone care about this planet?

Velo

It's full of sexy, sexy bears who are honor bound to give you piggy back rides if you say you're mail

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I dont think thats good enough to compensate for bad sandwiches.

Velo

In other words this is the only planet that matters

FancyShark

Now I want a reuben

disculpa mi tulpa

villainous sandwiches

gellaho

I often think relaxing thoughts like "everybody's patsy, that's what I am," before sleeping

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

John is in serious medical danger

FancyShark

"I really suck," thought our hero.

disculpa mi tulpa

"oh shit, everyone wants me to get beat to death, how boring, I'm sleepy"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

almost like it doesn't make sense

gellaho

And you pay them 3.5 lbs of nails

disculpa mi tulpa

narcolepsy

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is one of those allergic reactions they were talking about, John is going to wake up having shed his skin.

gellaho

HOW DARE YOU STOP THE MAIL

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

BEARS

WITH

AXES

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so much of this book is about the mail

gellaho

This planet's Cliff Clavin

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Five dudes with axes have a lot more rights than five dudes without.

disculpa mi tulpa

athwart is a good word. we should use it more.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I was promised avatar with bears and we can't go 5 fucking minutes without this dorkus malorkus pontificating about the mail

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Bears can be mail dorks too.

disculpa mi tulpa

well, we're also getting Kevin Costner with Tom Petty

FancyShark

Neither rain nor sleet nor dead of night, something something

No mention of axes

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

they shortened it from that

FancyShark

"Described", not "promised", to be fair

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

imagine if the navi were fighting the human military because they were disrupting the navis' sacred right to deliver packages

gellaho

Somebody's into this

FancyShark

Okay, I'd watch that

Velo

Are they not?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it'd be funnier

disculpa mi tulpa

neither rain nor sleet nor dead of night, stays these couriers from sticking together with their goon dock friends

Velo

Eywa is many things, including an instant messaging service

disculpa mi tulpa

Makes sense. I thik Eywa is what you get if you try to pronounce AOL in Portuguese.

gellaho

As opposed to the sensible fight over Unobtainium

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It's oil!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

don't forget in the sequel they also harvest goo from a whale's brain that can halt human aging

Velo

To be clear what I said was not a joke, that is lore, it's how all the animals show up at the end

disculpa mi tulpa

it finally all makes sense!

FancyShark

I hope someday they remaster Avatar and change Unobtanium to something else. And make no other changes. Just to show that it was a placeholder.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

honestly fucking a horse should not be how anyone connects to wifi.

disculpa mi tulpa

I only made it 30 minutes or so into the way of water until I decided it was a nature documentary about fictional nature with some disconnected vignettes attempting to bridge the nature doc

gellaho

I mean, nobody would notice. Imagine watching that movie more than once

Brendan!™

Walkie-talkies

Velo

Neither should sucking gandalfs dick why are we criticizing things that aren't canon

gellaho

John gets kinky

FancyShark

I can't imagine watching it a first time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh man he just insulted Bluffer's dedication to the mail

shit is about to POP OFF BOIS

Velo

Oh shit everyone run

disculpa mi tulpa

you have a pure soul that should be protected. no more Avatar talk.

Velo

RUN FASTER JOHN

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Now, everyone hates John

FancyShark

Berenstain Bears Go To War

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Everyone already hated John, and now he has a mouthful of space bear lice.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

maybe john dies at the end

gellaho

Time to go off to the meeting, and everyone is invited

Brendan!™

Called his Hill.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

humrog is a fun name for a town

disculpa mi tulpa

so he nibbled on his ear and then ran back into the lady and that's it? No more ear nibbling?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

credit where it's due

gellaho

Time for the council of grampies

Velo

This is a great way to test if you have dyslexia

Everyone who's heart stopped for a second: congratulations

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

was it a ruckus? I think it might have been more of an uproar.

Possibly a hoopla.

FancyShark

Maybe a to do

Or a bruhaha

disculpa mi tulpa

it was a clan ruckus that caused a clan uproar in the clan hollows

gellaho

Characters who may or may not be real

disculpa mi tulpa

center grandfather is an important position. Have to still be able to stop the lineman after sticking a ball backwards between your legs and be an octogenarian.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

EFL

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

He gets the most hard candy.

FancyShark

"If you DO all agree on this, why?"

gellaho

The top fatty

disculpa mi tulpa

"one of the other types of characters"

I think he accidentally quoted his cocaine fueled pitch too

FancyShark

Fatty Top Man could play the trombone like no one's business

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

From Humrog, no less

disculpa mi tulpa

with him on the horn and Daddy Shaking Legs on the keys, they bring the whole house down

gellaho

I it's

disculpa mi tulpa

wuh?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I wish the axman had been around more often

FancyShark

She is making some good points

gellaho

They question John's manhood

disculpa mi tulpa

nah, he's not a real man

disculpa mi tulpa

he's mail

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"See if he can impregnante one of the females, that'll prove it one way or the other"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its one of those things where Id just let them if I was in Johns shoes.

GDC's Quivering Thews

he can demonstrate his manhood by consuming fermented cheerios

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Drinking contessssst!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but he fucks it up by saying he prefers froot loops

disculpa mi tulpa

while apparently eating nothing. he'd have a chance to win

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Not Schnapps!

disculpa mi tulpa

Mad DOg 20/20

gellaho

They discuss the plot for a while

Hill Bluffer gets real mad when they start questioning the mail

disculpa mi tulpa

they discuss nothing for a while

FancyShark

Hill Bluffer is very much the Ray Jackson of this story

GDC's Quivering Thews

"I carried him on my back like he was my own cub"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Let him fight! Let him die! Free me of my burden!!!"

gellaho

John's ready to die

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is what thinking with your belt buckle does to a man, you start thinking "I bet I could take him." but "him" is an eight foot tall space bear.

FancyShark

Uh oh. The head trauma caught up with him

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Well at least John's death will be glorious.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"CONAN! WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?"

disculpa mi tulpa

really makes me understand what it would be like to be immersed in a new culture until it's adopted. Like Avatar or like Madonna with the UK or something.

FancyShark

"MAIL!"

gellaho

He's got a burst of speed through the hole, to the fifty, forty, thirty, twenty, ten, touchdown!

FancyShark

Nothing but daylight

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Suck it, much slower bears who wanted to make sure John doesnt get crushed to death.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

GO LONG

disculpa mi tulpa

The Bluffer took the Shorty from the center grandfather, faked left, then ran right, broke through, and now there's a mad scramble

gellaho

Hot

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Except in Johns case the next man is a fucking bear named Streamside Terror.

GDC's Quivering Thews

They both knew when hold 'em, and when to fold 'em

FancyShark

"You can bluff my cliffs anytime, friend"

Velo

I would bring up Archibald and Theodore again but at this point we all know they're fucking furiously

gellaho

The showdown at the pond, where all great battles take place

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

disculpa mi tulpa

so now he whispers gently into the ear he nibbled, lay me down by the pond

Velo

Is John about to drown a bear man

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Those were lyrics in Queen of the Damned, right?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

John doesnt know..........

Bears swim John.

FancyShark

"We shall meet on the fields of battle and glory, as our ancestors did. Meet me at the crick."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

THEY SWIM JOHN!

disculpa mi tulpa

absoluetly. written by Jonathan Davis but dubbed by Celine Dion.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

JOHN! THEY SWIM! BEARS SWIM!

Bears eat fish! John this might be a bad idea!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

And sung with Davis' cadence

FancyShark

No no. Let him figure it out. He's got this.

gellaho

Terror forgets leg day

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

If he does some judo shit and tosses Terror into the pond tho I will take back any mean thoughts I had about this book.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"who is this beast - this God - who can move his body without being mailed," John wondered.

FancyShark

John fights a fuzzy triangle

gellaho

This seems like a mostly belt-based strategy

Velo

You know what doesn't do well in water?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Kill me, fast and naked"

gellaho

Let me get my pants off real quick

Velo

The Terror

That's a 19th century naval tragedy joke

FancyShark

There are salmon watching this and taking furious notes

GDC's Quivering Thews

Is he going to try and dick fight a space bear?

gellaho

"I feel so comfortable without my pants on"

Velo

Yes because this is a great book

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I am reading everything like it is a Korn song, now

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Terror right now: "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING HARD FOR MEEEEEE?!"

gellaho

Kinky

FancyShark

Powerful suddenness

John "Carradine" Tardy

disculpa mi tulpa

I've heard of this kink

Velo

Wide shoulders, churning arms, erotic asphyxiation. Yeah. Yeah we're cooking something great now

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Edgar Rice Borroughs could make that work

gellaho

Oh, no, it's a bear! I forgot!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I feel like garroting the space bear is a violation of the no weapons rule in this honor duel.

Brendan!™

I strangle bears for fun and honor, not erotic pleasure.

Velo

SHIT

RUN JOHN

Velo

FIND YOUR PANTS AND RUN

disculpa mi tulpa

it really is easy to be an idiot and even easier to be a bigger idiot

gellaho

Very specific measurements

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

John you fucking idiot. You are 100% one of those guys who thinks they can fight a bear on Twitter.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

John finally realizes he is the idiot everyone else knows him to be

Velo

That's the moral of every Book Cage

Brendan!™

Our hero the water leech

FancyShark

I wish every fishing show ended like this

disculpa mi tulpa

probably the moral of most of history, really

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

a chip in a river current

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah that's a word choice

gellaho

Ah, yes, how bitter water tastes to the nose

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

John you would have had more success in subduing the space bear if you had aggressively sucked his dick.

disculpa mi tulpa

the most water leech move possible!

GDC's Quivering Thews

The bitterness is caused by all the bear musk in the water

Velo

The mak'gora does not allow for such things

gellaho

A good thing to do in the middle of a fight

Velo

John forgot he needs to breathe sometimes

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Is anyone doing a "hero passed out" count?

gellaho

Tight and white, just like my underwear

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Did............did he win?

Velo

Legally the first one to drown himself in incompetence wins

FancyShark

If a lady you've met only once starts crying over you, that's a red flag

disculpa mi tulpa

they're all very wet

gellaho

The Terror has been incapacitated

Velo

It's an old, obscure rule of the mak'gora

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuck you book.

disculpa mi tulpa

he spotted that red flag

Brendan!™

John needs to use the Terror's bulk against him and turn this contest into a weight gain competition.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

He did get a lot of passing out practice before the fight

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

whichever combatant regains consciousness first gets the big bottle of 7up

Velo

"Nah I'm good. I'm fine. I'll just crawl away now."

gellaho

Let me just briefly flashback to the part of the fight I skipped to see how he was won

That does not help

Velo

"Both your legs are broken"

"I'm good."

disculpa mi tulpa

no that helps. he had to win. so he won. or he wouldn't have won. pretty simple.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Don't fuck with the mail, bitch" credits roll

gellaho

Kleenex! Such wonders of the modern world I had forgotten!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Book just ends as he goes unconscious

Brendan!™

Drown-strangling a bear changes a man.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Nothing makes a woman you just met horny af as strangling a bear alien.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

That... might check out, actually?

disculpa mi tulpa

good thing they pulled him out

gellaho

I usually think wow when I'm hurt

Velo

John that is a RED FLAG you were not wonderful, you took your dick out and almost drowned from terrible planning

Brendan!™

Ursa Major Damage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

pretty sure it's all bluffer's fault

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Shes wetter than he is at the moment.

disculpa mi tulpa

might be about to hear how it's Joshua's fault

Velo

The Terror didn't do any of that drowning, John, that was all on you

FancyShark

Wingman for life

gellaho

She's not taking this victory well

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Primary Relations

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE THE APPALACHIAN SPACE BEARS BEST FRIEND?!

FancyShark

hahaha, women. Always breaking down when they orchestrate a diplomatic bear strangle

Velo

WHY DONT YOU?!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It's all about Ty, and she's single right now

disculpa mi tulpa

she recommended they draft someone with physical strength and no brains

for reasons

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

They stole my grandmas moonshine apples.

gellaho

John is just like a lusty bear

Velo

Was she a bear? No? Then she can fuck right off

disculpa mi tulpa

so . . . she recommended they send a bear lover

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I don't really recall him being lusty at all

disculpa mi tulpa

for reasons

FancyShark

Did you pay any attention to his time with Bluffer?

Velo

Ahahahahhahaha