118: Spacial Delivery Gordon R. Dickson

Velo

Oh I can explain that! It's quieter than a large laboratory explosion, but significantly louder than no laboratory explosion

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its also in a confined space.

gellaho

It's racquet ball, but faster

Velo

Oh

That does sound exciting

gellaho

With a Spanish twist

Velo

The scoops sound less exciting

Brendan!™

Hill Bluffer attempted to provoke the issue by making it awkward. With every step, he hooted, "Ride me, zaddy! Ride me like a little Buddha-caricatured bitch!"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Id mostly watch it for the off chance someone would lose teeth.

Brendan!™

But Tardy would not dismount.

gellaho

It was mildly popular 50 years ago in gambling circles

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You cant even look tough with the scoop.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Like imagine menacing someone with a jai alai scoop.

Jai Alai Furies?

Velo

That is the most aggressive mouth guard I've ever seen

FancyShark

Like being threatened by Raisin Bran

Velo

If you need a mouth guard like that you should probably have a face guard too

GDC's Quivering Thews

I only know jai alai as a common answer in crossword puzzles

gellaho

"Hey, somebody I know got mail once!

gellaho

FrumpyBadger

love when relations are called "blood relatives" in the clunkiest way possible

FancyShark

Okay, this is very much attempting to be a comedy, but it's not trying to be zany

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Blood aunt" sounds cooler, like an aunt but metal.

gellaho

This mail argument is spied on

Velo

My family has a long tradition of receding mail

FancyShark

If you meet a Hemnoid in your travels, kill them

Brendan!™

Jesus Christ, this book is exhausting.

gellaho

They seem pleasant

gellaho

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Buddha like? Sidartha or Damo?

Oh so neither.

Brendan!™

We have a mailman bound by local custom and we're tricking him with human colonial ingenuity but also nobody gets mail around here, and let me tell you about the complex social structures with no bearing on the plot.

We're going to need a Hardy Boys after this.

Velo

I'm loving this

FancyShark

You haven't spent hours on end giggling at 23andMe?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Shut the fuck up about your athletic achievements you fuckin goober.

gellaho

The Hemnoid showed up everyone at the Olympics

Velo

John is an Olympic athlete

Brendan!™

Okay, I reposition. Not ST spec but LotR fanfic

Disguised as scifi

Laughing sadist Buddhas

gellaho

It doesn't really have much in common with that, but sure

Velo

This is good world building because that helps explain John Tardy's excellent body

gellaho

The Italians really wanted to kill the ambassador

FancyShark

Dickson wanted to bang Winnie the Pooh, saw the copyright, and decided to get clever

We could have had Aliens vs Italians?

gellaho

The Cobbly Queen

FancyShark

The Cobblies are lending weight to Brendan's theory

Velo

John takes a long time to realize someone is fucking with him

Brendan!™

Whoever wins, we a-lose.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hes an athlete.

FancyShark

They explicitly said they didn't want him for his brains

gellaho

Hill Bluffer is very sad that someone is faster than him

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Recognizing being fucked with is basically an evolutionary disadvantage to him.

Velo

It's time for violence

Kneecap them

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This could have been a really good buddy cop movie, with like an athletic idiot and a bear.

gellaho

At the Inn, John calls Josh on his wrist phone, and astutely realizes Josh also has a wrist phone

Velo

We made that and it's called The Other Guys

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Cast Whoopie Goldberg and its the next Theodore Rex.

disculpa mi tulpa

BJ and the Bear?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"you answered me very quickly, sir. Are you also wearing a wrist phone?"

"yes."

"thank you. Ok bye."

disculpa mi tulpa

oh wow, a wrist phone, just like Dick Tracy from the funny pages

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahhahaha how futuristic!

Just imagine, telecommunications equipment that isnt the size of a lamp!

FancyShark

Camera pulls back and we see a phone cable trailing off over the horizon

disculpa mi tulpa

tinnily from the tiny speaker

Velo

"And then, Theodore, he makes a call."

"But Archibald, if he were to make a call successfully that would necessitate the other party to also have a phone!"

"Indeed, Theodore! And so they shall!"

And then they laughed and laughed, somewhat aware they had moved closer to each other on the chaise during the story

gellaho

I'm not sure that's how food allergies work, but sure

disculpa mi tulpa

I would like to be employed as a beer drinker

FancyShark

I mean, some act that way. But those aren't the ones to worry about first

disculpa mi tulpa

well, I have celiac now, but I would have liked to have been. Whatever.

I'm going to grab a hard cider and cry in it

FancyShark

Best endorsement I've ever heard for hard cider

Brendan!™

I am and it fucking rules.

gellaho

Boy, that is a lot of words

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wtf Velo did you write this bit?

Brendan!™

Well if the Dilberians like beer I guess those ursine bastards are okay by me grunt grunt grunt

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is this book an elaborate prank?

FancyShark

I'm starting to think Dickson has a different definition for "mild"

GDC's Quivering Thews

He took that definition right from the dictionary

disculpa mi tulpa

beer is just fermented cheerios

Hamb$ne

You should see what hard cider does to me. It causes violent weight loss!

Brendan!™

When he wrote this your options were Schlitz, Pabst, Bud & Coors. He's speaking to us from the era of 2% beer.

Remember that the next time cowboys brag about drinking 20.

I'm having a Bud right now and it's pretty good? Light beer is the devil but these classic lagers are actually nice.

Hamb$ne

Hey that's two bruery joints

Velo

"And then, Theodore…" Archibald began, and trailed off. They locked eyes, their monocles glinting in the firelight,

"And then, Archibald…?" Theodore asked softly.

"And then he drank beer. And he found it was… different, from other beers he had drank. A new experience, but not an unpleasant one." Archibald said, his voice a whisper.

FancyShark

Also, Hi, @Hamb$ne !

disculpa mi tulpa

reminded me of the song I Drink Beer by Dan Reeder, so this book is good for something

gellaho

John runs off into the night after three Dilbians try to get him drunk

Then he's hit over the head by a mysterious figure

GDC's Quivering Thews

Probably an enormous bone

FancyShark

Try describing it

disculpa mi tulpa

he is permanently brain damaged and never wakes. the end.

Brendan!™

NOW it's a Hardy adventure!

gellaho

Luckily he wakes up on a ledge

Brendan!™

Bret Easton Ellis's BRIDGES OF ZDEBRIA

Hamb$ne

heaps out a ladle of bacon I'm ready for adventure now!

disculpa mi tulpa

he looked up, and there were hungry tigers waiting for him. He looked beside him on the ledge, and saw a single strawberry growing from a crack. He ate the strawberry.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Before anyone gets excited its mostly about Clint Eastwood banging a woman from Iowa.

gellaho

He comes to find Hill Bluffer about to execute the three Dilbians for messing with the mail

FancyShark

The mail always goes through...your skull

Brendan!™

No that was Any Which Way but Loose

disculpa mi tulpa

HILL BLUFFER AM THE LAW

gellaho

Have your morning beer

disculpa mi tulpa

also typed Hill Fluffer and regret fixing it

Hamb$ne

Hill Bluffer is the son of Ravina Valley

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I wish my local USPS office took their jobs this seriously, maybe my packeges would arrive on time.

GDC's Quivering Thews

love a good breakfast beer

gellaho

Sure, that's how beer works

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Beer is just liquid bread.

disculpa mi tulpa

fermented. cheerios.

Velo

Beer makes you strong

FancyShark

Beer: It's Basically Medicine

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its delicious and makes you strong.

Velo

John is a boozy Popeye

FancyShark

Beer together strong

disculpa mi tulpa

that dan reeder song: "I drink beer to boost retail sales / save those dolphins save those whales / I drink beer for the revolution"

Hamb$ne

Wait till they discover kombucha

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'm sad I don't have any beer in my place, now.

gellaho

Hill Bluffer gets very suspicious that John doesn't know how Joshua Guy got his nickname

disculpa mi tulpa

Hypno Training leaves out the obvious again

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

FIST FIGHT! THE BEAR!

Its the only way he'll respect you.

gellaho

Old Hammertoes

disculpa mi tulpa

still pretty sure they're just bigfeets pretending to be bears

and that coot IS getting hot

Brendan!™

Guys, on my home planet I'm called Little Bite because I tore God's jugular with my teeth and everyone there worships me, trust me.

GDC's Quivering Thews

oh, he's a racist space bear

He's the space bear you try not to make eye contact with at the bar

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Old Hammertoes is a boomer.

gellaho

It's so funny how a giant drunk bear tried to murder him

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

He remembers when there was only one kind of beer for breakfast and you had to get it out of a tree!

disculpa mi tulpa

also . . . Shorties and Fatties all over the place. No joke, just that.

oh so a little bite is just straight up stabbing someone

well cutting

FancyShark

Little Bite? Not "Ow, Fuck, My Hand"?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Stabbing a drunk is a great way to earn a Name of respect.

gellaho

John finds this near murder hilarious

disculpa mi tulpa

this takes place in my classroom

Velo

And that's how he got his name, Stabby Stabson

FancyShark

I guess we had to be there?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hes right, that is a pretty funny story.

gellaho

Well, now it's getting weird

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hill Bluffer has great comedic delivery too.

gellaho

Really weird

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just hard to convey in print.

Emooooooooshuuuuuuuuuuuuuns

Welling up!

disculpa mi tulpa

KISS

KISS DAMN IT

FancyShark

This was written in 1961. There is no way

gellaho

Not sure why he was so embarrassed about this

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

John, if you smell musk and hear kind of a damp snicking noise, you need to climb a tree because the baculum has come out.

gellaho

This is all about a catty comment from Josh

Brendan!™

Can't believe Tardy doesn't know the story of this bar fight for a guy he just met.

Velo

"And John and his ursine hominid companion shared a tender moment." Said Archibald, staring at the crackling fire.

"But he fled the beer," Theodore pointed out.

"He did. For he did not dare succumb to such a desire. Not there, amongst all those people. But out in the woods, in private, he could almost let himself go, to know this new man who has carried him so far." Their fingers touched, and their mustaches bristled.

disculpa mi tulpa

Brendan!™

You don't know the story of a guy slashing this dude's hand? AMAZING.

gellaho

John not feeling the hand-to-hand combat with a nine foot bear

FancyShark

Hence why they didn't want someone who was a thinker

Brendan!™

WHY ARE WE HERE

Velo

No, what they wanted was spectacular body to go with the bear man into the woods

FancyShark

Save greasy lady and get bears to fight Buddhas

disculpa mi tulpa

just another day on Vega 7

gellaho

Turns out Boy is She Built tried taking John out at the Inn

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is why you never want to intern for the Space Diplomatic Corps, they always get you into death duels with bears.

FancyShark

When you say "take out"

gellaho

Throwing him over a cliff

disculpa mi tulpa

the author chooses some inexplicable and unecessary places for "said the Bluffer" here ffs

FancyShark

Gotcha. Just had to check

Brendan!™

Oh, the British imperialist method.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Holy crap, twice in the same quote?

Brendan!™

These book parties are characterized by no copyeditor.

FancyShark

Hi, @P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs !

gellaho

Editing is for the weak

Velo

That's what Theodore is for

disculpa mi tulpa

also . . .

"PhysicsBoart, said the disculpa grimly, "vs %#$@!!"

gellaho

Josh had his wrist phone gouged away, so now he had nothing for his lips

Velo

Did he not notice the gouge until now

FancyShark

Again, not chosen for his brains

GDC's Quivering Thews

How could you miss your radio watch, it was 10 pounds and was powered with radium

Velo

That's John, this is Josh

FancyShark

oh

disculpa mi tulpa

Oh Little Bite

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"hang on a moment, I think I feel my sperm count rising... egad! My phone is gone!"

Velo

Josh is the smart one!

gellaho

I swear on my winch cable!

Brendan!™

John noticed he was no longer being slowly, horrifically poisoned.

FancyShark

There's only one explanation: John's dumb is spreading

Velo

Wait no you were right Shark, this is John

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Is a Dilbian the race Dilbert belongs to?

Brendan!™

No, that's the Scotts. They're terrible.

gellaho

Toll!

FancyShark

TOLL!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The Dilbians are just part of the Dilbian religion.

Velo

TOLL!!

disculpa mi tulpa

"pushing down the pain, John noticed for the first time the cut must have removed his wrist phone" or some shit, there one sentence

FancyShark

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The fluffer didn't wait for the bridgekeeper to finish

gellaho

When they get to the halfway house, it turns out Boy is She Built got 'em again

FancyShark

Funny? Eventful? Erotic?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

This is some Troika! RPG stuff

FancyShark

Why did it not show the full image

disculpa mi tulpa

so she got them by telling them to close their eyes and back up?

gellaho

By the time they get back to the bridge, it has been lifted out of reach

Velo

Probably should have paid the toll

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"WHY IS IT NOT VOICE ACTIVATED OR MAGIC????"

Velo

The moral of this story is to pay people for their labor even if you don't technically have to

gellaho

Valiant attempt

Brendan!™

John took advantage of the Dilberian's culture, and in that way was very clever for abusing him.

FancyShark

The End

Velo

Bluffer knows when to fold 'em, and that is right away, immediately, no hesitation

disculpa mi tulpa

44 words is probably some Dilberian racism code

Velo

Always quit is the second moral of this book

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

More books should have this as the moral

Esp. children's books

gellaho

John climbs the cables and lets down the bridge

Brendan!™

UPDATE

Plus Level Midnight.

FrumpyBadger

without knocking like a total badass

gellaho

Then he murders the bridge man

disculpa mi tulpa

Dilberian John Wick. They fucked with his Shorty. Now fists need to fly.

FancyShark

Fucking rad

Brendan!™

The Dilfians were real bears

GDC's Quivering Thews

I wish real mail carriers were allowed to do this

FancyShark

John's just trespassing in a zoo

gellaho

Makes you think

GDC's Quivering Thews

why would you compare the space bear to a horse?

FancyShark

Dickson: "Shut up, nerds"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just do this.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The bear was like a bear just doesn't feel right

disculpa mi tulpa

karate bear!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

FIGHT

THE

BEAR

gellaho

Big boy

Velo

"And then John thinks, what is an ordinary person, when you get right down to it?" Said Archibald.

"Perhaps in the woods with his new friend he might realize that no one is ordinary." Whispered Theodore.

"Yes. Yes, perhaps he might."

Brendan!™

I am disappointed with the focus on not-bear culture and the lack of bear action.

disculpa mi tulpa

Hill Bluffer gradually stopped being a name and became a title. The Hill Bluffer.

gellaho

Busy. Eating.

disculpa mi tulpa

beer only for John mfer

FancyShark

John, in his ignorance, mentioned hunny. He was never found.

disculpa mi tulpa

he's a real man, not a damn bear

gellaho

This is a bold strategy

disculpa mi tulpa

those Dilbian females like fantastic padding and enormous bones.

This is racism.

Velo

John do not test this bear

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

You don't?

disculpa mi tulpa

no comment

gellaho

As was foretold

disculpa mi tulpa

why

Velo

Because the author somehow knew about my bit and decided to help me

FrumpyBadger

well sometimes your mouth is just too full

gellaho

I wonder if One Man is tall

FrumpyBadger

not as tall as Ten Man

FancyShark

One Man, One Shaq

Velo

So One Man is Godzilla sized

gellaho

It is?

Velo

Ah yes… gulliver… from the travels. We have all read that

FrumpyBadger

well, it's really only the one travel anyone ever cares about

first installment wins and all that

disculpa mi tulpa

this feels like

FancyShark

Except they're making smores

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

time to eat the mail

disculpa mi tulpa

smores . . . TO THE DEATH

Velo

Okay maybe he is Andre the Giant sized

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its just funny that the space bears use imperial measurements like pints.

Velo

Oh wait no, he is Bear sized, from the big blue house

Velo

The space bears are all from soho

gellaho

Ancient Hulk will be the name of my autobiography

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Pint is a good size

GDC's Quivering Thews

The Venerable Hulk

Velo

Before that his name was Cry Face Orphan Boy Of The Dead Parents

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Harry Potter" for short

disculpa mi tulpa

one clan enters, one man leaves?