118: Spacial Delivery Gordon R. Dickson

Brendan!™

Yer a 'arf-pint, Beary

gellaho

"Why you figure anyone ought to like you" is quite a thing to say to somebody

GDC's Quivering Thews

Someone asked me that at a job interview once

disculpa mi tulpa

"listen you little shit, tell me why anyone should give a damn about you"

teaching 101. first class in college.

Brendan!™

The puzzling question had an immediate and simple answer.

Humans: famously friendly to those unlike themselves.

gellaho

As opposed to most other living things

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"I mean we didnt bomb you yet. Doesnt that count for something?!"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

to those bigger than themselves

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah, I figure we'd either shoot the aliens or pray to them. Probably both.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Wed definitely fuck them.

gellaho

I'm always dressed in the morning by a flock of birds like Cinderella, so do wildlife flock to me

disculpa mi tulpa

oh right, option C. You are definitely right.

Brendan!™

Or do like the Christians and pray to those you kill.

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

disculpa mi tulpa

fuck, pray, kill: DIlbian, Hemnoids, John?

FrumpyBadger

kill kill kill

gellaho

Fuck and marry are supposed to be two separate options

FrumpyBadger

no followup questions

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Immediately on first contact, once we can figure out how to communicate properly, the first thing on our agenda is fucking the aliens, I have no doubt.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

myself, all three, next question

disculpa mi tulpa

I have none.

gellaho

One Man decides to break a big stick for some reason

disculpa mi tulpa

it's been a long time since anyone has seen me break my stick, will one of you hand it to me

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

pretty cool party trick.

Velo

"And then the large bear asks why someone might care for the humans." Archibald stared at the flickering embers of their fire.

"Well, why wouldn't they? If the humans care for that someone in return." Theodore spoke softly. The wolves outside had ceased the howling, but from time to time there came the crunching of hard snow breaking under a paw.

Archibald was silent, but his silence was loud in that small room on the chaise.

disculpa mi tulpa

shit, this goes in the bog

gellaho

I feel like this would be hard to sleep on

GDC's Quivering Thews

Most guys just shogun a beer and crush it on their forehead

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Dude he BROKE THE STICK. HE BROKE THE STICK"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You take what entertainment you can get in the boonies.

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah not sure a mound of sticks makes any kind of bed

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Shogun a beer" is an amazing typo

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Sometimes its watching a dude break a stick with just the power of his wrists.

disculpa mi tulpa

not willing to try, too much snow in the woods here. anyone up for it tonight? report back?

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'm just glad he didn't use another word for a bundle of sticks

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its when you do things with beer but theres commentary from the voicover from Shogun 2!

Velo

Depends on the sticks

gellaho

John notices the trick of the stick

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

sounds sick

Velo

This is an elaborate trick to break a single stick

disculpa mi tulpa

he cheated at doing the thing that I don't know why he did, that villain

gellaho

And then John turns into a robot

GDC's Quivering Thews

No, John stop using your brains, we've been over this

disculpa mi tulpa

Query: SHould I kill the meatbags?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah because something people who are neutral love is picking a side.

Velo

John has been hit in the head a bunch today

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

SHUT UP JOHN

god

Brendan!™

We have been in a bar with all-talk bears for FORTY MINUTES

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

a stick was broken dude

disculpa mi tulpa

under FALSE PRETENSES

that's drama

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

we have drama

Velo

You're mixing up bars

gellaho

I have read so many books where so much less had happened

Velo

We've done an entire bridge murder between bars

Brendan!™

I HATE OUR STUPID BEAR FUTURE

disculpa mi tulpa

I have actually read good books where nothing happens. But this is not one.

Velo

This story is genuinely moving at a great pace and I appreciate it

FrumpyBadger

some would call this a home run of an evening

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this book feels like we're following the wrong character

gellaho

Snooping for One Man, he finds another human

GDC's Quivering Thews

A human that spoke Basic Bitch

FancyShark

"Maybe?"

disculpa mi tulpa

it

FrumpyBadger

It spoke Basic, a word which here means it wouldn't shut up about pumpkin spice and Beyonce.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

old sci-fi? It's a lady. A hot one

Velo

No! John needs to fuck a bear

disculpa mi tulpa

look, lady, I'm drunk and there's bears to fuck. Death is not a concern.

gellaho

Oh, no! I'm too used to the largess of bears for your tiny womanness!

Velo

Preferably One Man because we don't want to risk the friendship with Bluffer

Brendan!™

It's I, Brick Shithouse

Are you He Who Penetrates the Cervix?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Called it

disculpa mi tulpa

I am surprised at the restraint it took to not describe her "bosom"

Brendan!™

I'm sorry, John Tardy. I await my painfully large lover. The one you seek is elsewhere.

disculpa mi tulpa

I should wait for the next post though

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Bears are big enough that two may ride

gellaho

Hey, it's the lady they were looking for. That's convenient

disculpa mi tulpa

women be hiding their faces amirite

Brendan!™

But we're not on Earth.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"ONE TIME I rub my face in a hamburger and they never let me forget it"

gellaho

John's brain ain't working too good. Probably from sleeping on branches

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Wow she didn't just swoon into his arms, this is downright feminist

Velo

Women, always worried about you getting murdered by bears in the woods

Velo

Again John has taken a lot of head blows today

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'd just like to quickly point out "her nose was a thin"

Velo

Honestly we shouldn't let John sleep until his eyes stop wobbling when he walks

Velo

It was

gellaho

And who made who?

FancyShark

John, are you really going to argue with the optics right now?

disculpa mi tulpa

sing to the tune of: "I'm 'n Luv (wit a Stripper)"

GDC's Quivering Thews

I think that was a character's motivation in The Tick as well

gellaho

"Hey, lady, I'm not willing to fight a 9 foot tall bear for your research. Sorry if that's unreasonable"

Velo

"And John said 'Whomst is rescuing Whomst?'" Archibald roared with laughter.

"Right… well it's getting late." Theodore said.

"My dear Theodore you must stay, I am barely at the half way point of this story."

disculpa mi tulpa

was this the basis for Arena?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Oh hell, she's a grad student

gellaho

Counterpoint: we could just leave

disculpa mi tulpa

very reasonable laws about justifications for kidnappings, seems legit

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"I'm an expert in bear law"

honestly, I'm turned on now

Velo

Counterpoint: That would be rude and possibly make Bluffer cry about the mail again

gellaho

Maybe let the Hemnoids deal with these bears. Doesn't seem worth it

"Oh, goddammit"

gellaho

disculpa mi tulpa

villainous

gellaho

"SON OF A BITCH!"

Brendan!™

I often take a nap in my kidnapping sack

disculpa mi tulpa

enfolded in soft and pillowy leather

because he chased after a lady to say let's bang

just totally possible he got what he wanted and just doesn't know what it is

GDC's Quivering Thews

You start out chasing a lady and find a leather daddy. Life's funny that way

FancyShark

Boy Is She Built then smashes him against a tree like that sleeping bag kill in Friday the 13th

disculpa mi tulpa

I could use a vacation I suppose.

gellaho

What was I doing again?

Brendan!™

Name one decision our hero has made.

He's literally freight.

Velo

He has befriended his mailman!

FrumpyBadger

he's just like me fr

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah lik I said earlier, it feels like we're following the wrong character

Velo

John is doing his best damn it

gellaho

He's made several sneaks in the night

FancyShark

He did not kiss the bear

disculpa mi tulpa

this is not his beautiful house. this is not his beautiful Ty.

gellaho

This will go well

FancyShark

John is immediately beaten unconscious again

This now plays on a loop for the next four chapters as his thoughts get wetter

gellaho

How dare he be conscious!

disculpa mi tulpa

Had to google to make sure Tark-ay wasn't the margarine brand

GDC's Quivering Thews

Her personality doesn't seem to match the expectations I had, based on the name.

FancyShark

Yeah. She's a lot less Karlach and a lot more Karen

gellaho

Tark-ay tries to impress She with karate

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah. DIlbian terror is like this. Hemnoid terror is like that.

FancyShark

lol

disculpa mi tulpa

is this a euphemism?

gellaho

She considers hitting him with a rock

FancyShark

Tark-ay, only two men can seduce with karate. One of them is JCVD and the other has a pink mohawk

disculpa mi tulpa

I thought we were about to learn that the broken staff was a THING. Like he broke the log by drilling a hole in the middle first. Chekov's cheater or something

Velo

Three. Wesley Snipes is a black belt

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I like to think Tark-ay pronounces the second syllable like hes the Fonz.

Tark- ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

disculpa mi tulpa

shit. be a waste if not !

gellaho

Tark-ay begins flamboyant jumping jacks

disculpa mi tulpa

FancyShark

Tark-ay next casually pops his shirt off

FrumpyBadger

my "ask me about my slavic dancing routine" routine is not raising as many questions as I had hoped

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hes going to start cutting firewood with his dick soon.

disculpa mi tulpa

are those just jumping jacks though?

FancyShark

"C-can yo-"

"I will not help you remove the splinters"

gellaho

Usually don't include a sassy wink

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Maybe they should?

disculpa mi tulpa

this is seductive karate jumping jacks. I'm not as familiar. WIll have to take your word for it!

gellaho

Tark-ay starts gossiping with John

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Cool.

disculpa mi tulpa

like no one else

FancyShark

"Women be crazy, speak I correct, Earth Man?"

disculpa mi tulpa

and I can't help my (jukebox brain) self

gellaho

Tark-ay seems like a great guy

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

"Wondering if this is leading up to something" feels like the character looking at the narrator

FancyShark

Hi, @noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans !

disculpa mi tulpa

I too consider some of my exes to be Blunder Bush now

FrumpyBadger

Blunder Bush? no no, the swamp is that way.

gellaho

Boy is She Full of Shit

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

No wonder shes considering killing Tark-ay with a rock.

GDC's Quivering Thews

They had to use Blunder Bush because Ligma wasn't invented yet

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

This book has failed the Bechtel test sooooo hard

FancyShark

"This utter savage balked at me telling her she is stupid and her college is a diploma mill. I think she is insane."

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah, like a woman could come from college grads or teach. HA!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

She went to the University of Phoenix.

gellaho

The more I hear about this assault, the crazier it is he survived

disculpa mi tulpa

throwing troubles over a cliff does fix a lot of them. but the ones it doesn't fix come back pretty hard, karate seduction style

gellaho

"Thank you, I think your father is very attractive"

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

"you can't just kill a Shorty", one of the lesser known Cypress Hill songs

gellaho

"I really should know better"

disculpa mi tulpa

"You can't just kill a Shorty [. . .] without paying for [it]"

capitalism

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

disculpa mi tulpa

Faith in the 8 foot tall fuck bears!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh cool, all three of them can mansplain college to the space bear.

Velo

"I have been places" Said John, still delirious from the head wounds

disculpa mi tulpa

not his first bear rodeo

gellaho

I'm sure that wasn't hard

Velo

John had lost feeling in his face

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It helps when your body and mind are bland as unsugared custard.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Wait, he has a face?

disculpa mi tulpa

using action is super effective. suprised it's failing here.

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

Wow, I can't believe this book predicted Hayden Christensen

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The three of them are trying to outthink each other

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just a real bowl of plain cream of wheat of a man.

GDC's Quivering Thews

john's face thinks mayonnaise is too spicy

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

it's like watching 0's divide themselves

gellaho

Mores is a word that really should have an accent

disculpa mi tulpa

I'm back on fermented cheerios now.

"But according to my mores, it is not only moral, but eminently respectable. I post on 4 Chan"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Now youre just being racist, John. We dont have racism on my planet, we had to learn what that was from you and the space bears."

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

They're mores without an accent because they're being discussed by morons

FancyShark

"It's been very convenient!"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You cant spell s'mores without mores, and that is why s'mores are the most ethical food.

gellaho

Gasp

gellaho

FancyShark

Retired but still able to orchestrate this entire thing

disculpa mi tulpa

they drafted him in the fifth round, really no one thought he'd be a star diplomat, truly a wonderful payoff

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I am very lost, but am enjoying the Kafka-esque ride

gellaho

Gordon keeps using the word "goof" and I love it every time

disculpa mi tulpa

you're probably following it better than the writer. Definitely better than the publisher.

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

Dilbia?! It's good to hear that we finally shot Scott Adams into space in the future, but I didn't expect him to survive long enough to name his own planet

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Nice.

Joshua has the right idea, its never good to let the Man know youre too good at your job.

FancyShark

I often confuse roses and turnips. It's why Valentine's Day is so embarrassing.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

but delicious

gellaho

Kidnapped, sir. The second "p" is important

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Not when you try dating medieval peasants.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Gulark-ay is Hemrian for Exposition

disculpa mi tulpa

centuries ago, in high school, a friend would call about roses when she wanted pot. I don't think anyone listening in was ever confused except me.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"He Who Speaks Plot"

gellaho

John gets so caught up in the laughter, he doesn't seem to realize they're laughing at him

GDC's Quivering Thews

Freeze frame, roll credits

FrumpyBadger

Is John on the discord right now?

Am -

Am I John?

FancyShark

hahaha, it's a fun kidnapping

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

the best

disculpa mi tulpa

we are all John's quivering mass of idiocy and insecurity. Yay!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

guys I get kidnapped a lot, and this is my favorite so far

gellaho

Kidnaping, please

Now, time for some wacky torture

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This book is like The Ref, the movie where Dennis Leary is a burglar held captive by an arguing suburban couple.

disculpa mi tulpa

I also don't believe in hogs.

disculpa mi tulpa

slightly less Kevin Spacey vibes though

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

John: "Good thing they didn;t tell you about how sensitve our testicles are!"

disculpa mi tulpa

please just hit him on the head, I don't want to know about the inside of the mouth trick

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

"A speciality with the inside of the mouth" Damn, Tark-ay got that Nancy Reagan-level head game??

gellaho

John decides a discussion about his own torture is the perfect time for a nap

FancyShark

Power move

Velo

Honestly yeah great time for that

Try to nap though it John

GDC's Quivering Thews

Especially considering all the recent head trauma

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah i mean a quick nap keeps you fresh for the torture.

Brendan!™

Love a book where the torture scene is replaced with two chapters of torture negotiations.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Guys he might have cranial bleeding"

disculpa mi tulpa

so much sex in this book. The actual perfomance gave him two rough nights and days in a row. Dayum.

gellaho

She is not having it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

ITs no fun dangling a person over a pit of spikes while beetles chew into their flesh if they are tired as fuck.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Calling Boy Is She Built a little lady seems unwise

noiretoon's Antique Soup Cans

The main character has realized he can sleep through the plot then wake up to have it explained to him, Snow White level speed run strat

FancyShark

All John has to do is keep them arguing until the sun comes up and they all turn to stone

disculpa mi tulpa

sigh. don't finish him off too quick.

Damn I'm sorry that one was low hanging.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Superhuman kung fu goblin might beat short stack bear tho?

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah, more superb editing:

gellaho

"Boy, I wish we could talk about torturing you, but women, amirite?"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

All three of them tell her to shut up.

disculpa mi tulpa

that "accent" feels like I should be able to place it

FancyShark

I like that she's browbeating the sadists

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

John is so bland, he can't get himself off

disculpa mi tulpa

like Mumsy on holiday or something

gellaho

Luckily, She and the ambassador leave while Tark-ay falls asleep

FancyShark

Not even trying to whittle

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I wonder if that was meant to be funny

gellaho

However, John is not great at the escape thing and gouges his arms more

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It's so boring, the villains fell asleep

GDC's Quivering Thews

Why were you looking at pictures of this, John?

FancyShark

John bleeds to death without ever breaking free

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Comic books, of course.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

maybe they meant movies

FancyShark

Dentist office

gellaho

Just in time, as Streamside Terror has arrived

disculpa mi tulpa

the writer was proud of his skepticism here, about knives and ropes. Then someone hit him on the head again.